Desperado
by ricochet24
Summary: Her hair was dull and didn’t have the same bounce. Dark bags under her eyes and wrinkles across her face didn’t give character to her like they do some people. Instead, they made her look ancient and worn down. Ruined. “What brings you back?”
1. Default Chapter

**This is one of the two continuations of Fall to Pieces. **

**Chapter 1: Hanging on for Hope**

**Sean's POV**

"I'm pregnant."

It's funny how two little words can knock the wind out of you. They can make you want to throw-up. They make you want to scream and cry and... "You're what?" I whispered. I had heard her, but it's one of those situations where you have to hear it twice to really get it through your head. To really understand the impact this moment will have on the rest of your life.

"I think I'm pregnant," Ellie whispered back to me. We were both too nervous to talk above a whisper.

"You think?" God, I was hanging on to hope here.

"I'm pretty sure."

"Pretty sure? But not completely sure?"

Ellie didn't say anything. She just sat down on my front step and put her head in her hands. I paced across my tiny front porch trying to think of what to say next. What do you say to your ex-girlfriend after she tells you that she's pregnant? Nothing came to mind so I just sighed.

"I don't know, okay? I mean, I know my body pretty well and it feels like I'm pregnant."

"But you haven't taken a test or anything yet?"

"No."

"Then we need to!"

"No!" Ellie jumped up and started to walk down the sidewalk away from my house.

I chased her and made her stop. "Where are you going?"

"Home. It's so stupid. I shouldn't have come here. Just... forget I said anything, okay?"

"Ellie. Shut up and let me talk for once. Listen, we're going to go down to the pharmacy, get you a pregnancy test and make sure, okay?"

She shook her head, "No."

"Why not?"

"Because then it's real!" she sobbed. She put a hand over her mouth and turned away from me, tears sliding down her cheeks. She looked back at me. "I've been feeling this way for awhile now, okay? And if I take a test, then it all becomes a reality. Right now, I can just tell myself that I don't know for sure. But if I take that test, then I will know. And I'm not ready to know. I don't want to know."

"You _have_ to know. _I_ have to know."

"You act like it's that simple. It's _not_, okay? I'm the one who has to deal with this."

"I do too. If you're pregnant, it's my kid, too. Come on, let's go."

"No!"

"Ellie!"

"I'm _scared_!" She collapsed onto the sidewalk crying. I had never seen her look more pathetic in my life.

I went over to her and sat next to her, putting my arm around her shoulders and pulling her closer, resting my chin on my head. "Shhhh... I know you're scared. I'm scared, too. But we don't know yet what we have to be scared of."

I sat there and stroked her soft hair for an hour before she finally agreed to go get a test. I noticed the hesitation in her steps, though, as we walked to the 24-hour pharmacy a couple blocks down the street. I'd be nervous if I were her, too. This little trip to the pharmacy would tell us our fate.

**Ellie's POV**

I thanked God that I had Sean at that moment. Knowing that he was there for me, that his hand was holding mine, comforted me in a way he couldn't even imagine. I wanted to just crawl into bed and sleep the rest of my life. How could I possibly get pregnant? Didn't I learn before? Am I that stupid? And now Sean has to go through this. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I hadn't wanted to tell him in the first place, but I had broke down tonight at home and I knew that I couldn't get through this if it weren't for him.

The door to the pharmacy jingled as we walked in. The sound hit me like a ton of bricks. I was too lost in my own world to be scared out of it by a bell. Sean noticed the sudden change in my grip and he looked over at me worried. He was worried for me. Thank God I had him. I don't know what I'd do without him. _You don't have him yet, Ellie. Remember? You broke up with him!_ Oh yeah, I keep forgetting that.

We quickly picked out three pregnancy tests, although one would have sufficed, but Sean wanted options and he wanted to make absolute sure. We paid for our purchases and got the hell out of there. We took our time getting back to Sean's house, not wanting to face the consequences. I thought we had been careful, but I guess some things just happen...

When it got time to take the test, I told Sean I wanted to do it in private. I had to be able to control my emotions before I showed him that it was positive. I had already broken down in front of him once; I didn't need to do it again. 90 seconds until the rest of my life is ruined. I sat on the toilet and waited and waited. 90 seconds seemed to last an hour. Finally, Sean knocked on the door, asking if I was okay. My eyes welled up and I threw the door open and crashed into his arms.

"Elle... it'll be okay, I promise. We'll get through this. I'll make sure-"

"I'm not pregnant."

"What?"

"I'm not pregnant. It was negative."

Sean held me out at arm's length and then pulled me into a tight hug. We stood there for probably an hour just holding each other. Things wouldn't be so bad. We could go on with our lives. We could make something of ourselves. I wouldn't have to give Sean up.

**Yeah, it's short, but it was basically just an introduction. Okay, so Ellie's not pregnant, but as well all know, she has a lot more problems that need to be addressed further. Will Sean be able to help her?**


	2. Telling Everyone

**Chapter 2: Telling Everyone**

**Ellie's POV**

Okay, so I am so relieved that I'm not pregnant. That would have been like the end of the world. I can't even imagine myself being pregnant in school and actually delivering a baby. That would have been absolutely horrid. And Sean actually stepping up, taking responsibility, and being a father? Yeah, right...

Thank God that I am fine. That I can still be normal. I can just go on with my life and not have to worry about getting a job and whether or not I should buy Pampers or Luvs or actually having to _name_ a little kid.

Trevor Jefferson Nash...

Isabella Maureen Nash...

Christian...

SHIT! Why was I even thinking about this stuff? I need to just focus on right now. On my homework. It's not like I spend all day thinking about baby names anyway. Or my future. Or other pathetic stuff like that. I'm totally okay with not being pregnant.

Although it would have been kind of cute to have a little baby to play with, to dress up, to carry around with me. Someone I can show affection for, someone I can love unconditionally, and who will love me back. A little baby to keep me company when my parents are gone or someone that I can take care of. I like taking care of people.

But I'm totally okay with staying normal. Totally okay.

**Sean's POV**

I am so relieved that Ellie is not pregnant. That would have ruined my life. I would have to get another job to help pay for the kid and that's not going to fit into my schedule. A teenager needs time to party and just hang out when they're not in school, doing homework, or working on cars. I don't need a kid cramping my style.

And I love Ellie, but who knows what can happen, you know? I could meet another girl, she could meet another guy... I don't even know how she feels at all about us. A kid would bond us together forever. And plus all the fighting we'd probably do. It'd be hell.

Oh God... If we had a kid, we'd probably end up living together. I could _never_ live with her. She can drive me nuts just by staying overnight at my house for one night. All her little habits and compulsive actions... I'd rather die first.

So a kid is never an option for us. Are we even an option for us anymore?

**Ashley's POV**

"Hey Ellie, what's up?" I noticed that Ellie looked a little down while grabbing her books from her locker.

She shut the locker gently and turned towards me, "Just... stuff..."

"Could you elaborate?"

"I don't really feel like it."

She started to walk away from me, but I grabbed a hold of her arm. "Oh come on... You can't hide everything forever."

"Fine, but let's go talk somewhere else."

"Okay."

I followed her into the girls' bathroom and watched as she checked underneath all the stalls and then took a seat on the counter. Okay, she was acting paranoid. Oh God, I hope it wasn't anything serious. Like maybe her and Sean broke up or her parents were divorcing or...

"I thought I was pregnant."

"WHAT?" I screeched. I actually screeched. Ellie flinched and wrung her hands nervously in her lap.

"But I'm not. So it's okay."

"But you thought you were. That's huge, Ellie. When did you start to think?"

"A couple of months ago..." she mumbled, almost incoherently, but I caught it.

"Oh. My. God."

"Look, it's not big deal. Because I'm not. And that's good."

"Woah, don't sound so sure there..." Why did she sound almost regretful? What the hell was she thinking? A baby at her age?

"You're going to think I'm crazy, but... the idea of a baby... sometimes appeals to me. I mean..."

"You're right. I do think you're crazy. Unbelievably crazy." Ellie? With a baby? She seemed like the most unlikely person to ever want a baby... Although, she did do really well on that project... She was the only one to get a 100 on it. Maybe there are some things I don't know about Ellie. That's a horrible thought. I like to know everything about my friends.

Ellie laughed and jumped off of the counter. "Just call it a momentary lapse from reality. Don't worry, I'm not about to go poking holes in condoms or whatever to get pregnant."

I hugged my backpack to my chest, "Well, maybe you and Sean should slow down for awhile, you know/"

"We're not going to let this ruin our lives. We're completely fine. Ash, seriously, don't worry. Let's just forget this ever happened, okay?"

I nodded my head slowly, "Sure, this conversation never happened."

"Yeah, okay let's go to class. Hey, cute outfit by the way."

I looked down at my new jeans and this vintage tee I had bought the other day. "Yeah, I totally got a steal on these jeans... You'd be so proud."

"Where's Ellie?" I looked up from my sandwich and smiled at Marco.

"Hey Marco. Um, she had to go talk to Ms. Kwan about something. I don't know. Why?"

Marco shrugged and sat down, "She's my friend. I'd like to see her once in awhile."

"Oh, well, she's kind of down today."

"Really? Why?"

I smiled at the tone of Marco's voice. He was always so worried and concerned about Ellie. He probably already knew about her problem. I'm completely sure of it. "Well, _you know_... The pregnancy..."

"WHAT?"

Okay. Maybe he didn't. "Um, well Ellie sort of thought she was pregnant. But she's not. So don't worry."

"Still... to think that she might have been. Do you know what that could of done to her?"

"Yeah. But she seems fine with it now. She'll probably tell you about it soon."

"When did she tell you?" Uh oh. I could tell by the tone of his voice that he seemed a little hurt that she hadn't told him.

"Just this morning. I practically had to drag it out of her."

"Oh, okay. Well, I think I'll wait for her outside of Ms. Kwan's. Maybe she'll tell me then."

"Yep... maybe..."

**Marco's POV**

I leaned against the row of lockers outside of Ms. Kwan's room. I can't believe Ellie could have been pregnant. How stupid could she be? You always use a condom... Well, maybe there had just been some sort of mistake. I mean, Ellie's a smart girl. She's the smartest girl I know. I don't know. Sometimes people are really book smart but have no common sense.

Let's see. She cuts. She starves herself. Yeah, she has no common sense.

"Marco?" Ellie appeared in front of me. Yeah, she did look pretty down.

I wrapped my arms around her sweatshirt-clad body. "How are you doing?"

"Fine..."

"Well, I want to talk to you. Can we get together tonight?"

"Sure. Your place or mine?"

"How about I just meet you at your house after your co-op."

"Okay, sure."

"So what's up?" Ellie sat cross-legged on her bed. I laid down next to her and put my hands behind my head.

"This whole break-up with Dylan has left me feeling like shit."

"Yeah, I can see that. You haven't really seemed happy lately."

"Well, not to sound rude, but neither have you."

"I know. Okay, so I'm going to tell you something and promise not to freak out."

Okay, Marco. You have to act surprised here. She can't know that you already know. "Okay."

"For awhile, well, I thought that I might be pregnant."

My jaw dropped and I didn't say anything. When in doubt, always take the surprised silent approach. That usually worked. Ellie brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes and scooted to an Indian-style pose. "Yeah, I was shocked too. But I'm not pregnant. So no worries."

I sat up too and faced her, taking both of her hands in mine. "I'm glad you told me though. And, seriously, if you ever think that you might be in trouble again, tell me. I'll be here for you."

She smiled, "Aw, Marco. I hate when you get all emotional on me and shit."

"Makes you want to cry, doesn't it?" I teased, squeezing her hands in mine.

She glared at me jokingly and then gave me a hug. "Thanks for not like freaking out on me. I told Ashley and she made a huge deal out of it. I know now that Sean and I have to be more careful."

"What made you think you were pregnant?"

"Well, I haven't been feeling the greatest lately. I just had this feeling that maybe something had gone wrong."

"Yeah. You and your feelings."

"Shut up."

Ellie closed her math book and gave me a pointed stare. "So, are you going to tell me anymore about what happened between you and Dylan? I still haven't heard the entire story."

I sighed and shut my book as well. "I don't know what happened. Seriously. He just came to me one day and said it wasn't working out and we needed to break up. I don't know if he's found someone new or if he's nervous or maybe since he's in college now..."

"You know, I'm sure he's just worried about holding you back since he's in college. And maybe he's worried about being held back, too. You should talk to him and just say, hey, we can take a break from each other. Explore our options, stuff like that, and if we still feel the same way about each other, then we can make it work. You can _always _make it work. It just takes commitment from both parties."

"That was very insightful."

"I know. I'm _so _wise beyond my years. Too bad I can't be wiser in math. This crap is killing me."

"You'll get the hang of it. It'll come easier after you practice it for awhile."

"I know. I have no trouble getting the right answer, it just takes too long. Till then, I'll count on your tricks to get me through."

"Butterfly, I have taught you well."

"Is it butterfly? Or grasshopper?"

"I don't know."

"Me neither."

For some reason we started giggling like it was the funniest thing we'd ever thought about. This is what I like about our relationship- we have serious conversations and deeply care about each other, but we still know how to just goof off and be silly. It was good to see Ellie smiling. It seems like she hasn't been smiling too much lately. But who can blame her, right? She was scared about being pregnant and, well, I have a feeling things aren't going so well for her. Why else would someone hurt themselves intentionally?

"Oh Marco! You've got to try this- _peach _tangy taffy! _Peach _Marco!" Ellie ran over to her backpack and grabbed a little bag full of candy out of it. She held up a tangy taffy bar and, indeed, it was peach-flavored.

"This is the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life." I unwrapped it greedily and took a small bite, holding the rest out to Ellie. "It's like... heaven."

She took a bite also, "Orgasmic even."

I lifted an eyebrow and she smirked, "You'll find out someday what that feels like."

"Well, at least I can't get pregnant."

"Cheap shot, Marco. Cheap shot."

**Ellie's POV**

It's Wednesday. And my parents are, once again, out of town. They decided they wanted to take a little trip over to France for a long weekend. Visit some relatives, see the sites... Whatever. Like I really care. I'm glad they're gone. I like having the house all to myself.

And I love coming home to an empty house every day. And checking the answering machine and hearing the stupid message saying that, once again, they'll be home late. Or there was a last minute dinner arrangement. Or they were going to go wine and dine at some party or the country club. It really gets old.

So it's up to me to entertain myself. Trust me, the television can only go so far. And Sean's busy as it is with his new job. And I don't really feel like hanging around and watching him fix some car. That's not really my idea of fun. I could put in some extra hours at the co-op, but I have a feeling that Caitlin kind of feels like I have no life or no friends. I'm _always _there pestering her. Every time she turns around it's "What can I do for you now, Caitlin?" or "Is there any more work for me to do?" or "Wow, your piece last night was really good." _I'm _even starting to annoy myself.

And I don't want to put any of my friends through the torture of having to spend every spare moment with me. Besides, Marco's busy with other things like running for class president (by the way, I am his campaign manager as of yesterday) or trying to put on another dance. God, after the Homecoming festivities, I'm all danced out. And Ashley has Craig. Speaking of Craig, I still have not seen that supposed catalogue he was talking about. Which makes me wonder if it was all just a ploy for him to take pictures of me in bikinis. Huh... Okay, Ellie, get over yourself.

So I've decided I need a hobby. I have plenty of hobbies as it is, but I need something new. I already know how to make jewelry and paint and play the guitar and play the piano. Actually, I'm like a genius at all of that stuff. But I need something that I've never done before.

Nothing like extreme because I'm not one for bungee jumping or skydiving.

Nothing lame like making oven mitts or something ridiculous like that.

I need something else...

Eh. Maybe I need awhile to think of something.

When did I become so boring?

**Sean's POV**

I pulled Ellie in for a deep kiss after I let her inside. This is what I had waited all afternoon for. She kissed me for like a minute before pulling away abruptly. "Am I boring?"

"What?" I asked incredulously.

"Am I boring," she repeated. She crossed her arms and tapped her right foot against the floor.

"No. Of course not."

"Well, I think I am."

"Well, you're not. Now come on," I leaned in again, but she put her hand to my mouth.

And let out a huge sigh, "I'm not in the mood. I think I'll just pop in a movie and be boring the rest of the night."

Oookay. Someone had issues.

"What's with this whole boring issue? When did this happen?" I sat down next to her on the couch and tried to take her hand. She pulled it away and brought her knees to her chin.

"I'm just... I was just thinking today... I don't know it's just..." I watched as her mouth quivered a little and then she burst into sobs, "I want a baby!"

I just stared.

What else am I supposed to do in that situation? My girlfriend just told me she wants a baby just after we had a pregnancy scare. Was she crazy? Ellie pushed her face into her hands and her back heaved up and down with each cry. Was I supposed to comfort her? Tell her, "okay, we'll have a baby"? There was no way.

I put a hand on her back and rubbed it in circles lightly. "Shhh..."

She looked up and I almost laughed at the mascara smudges underneath her eye. "Is that crazy? For me to want a baby?"

"The truth? Yes."

"I knew it. I can't help it, Sean. I mean, I don't want one, but I do want one, and I'm so bored with my life and with everything."

"Then take up golf or crocheting. Don't have a baby. Believe me, Ellie. You don't want a baby."

"Yes I do!"

"Really? You want to wake up during the night for hours at a time to a crying baby? You want to get a job and spend all that money on diapers and baby food and maybe, even possibly, quit school so you can earn more money at a minimum-wage paying job? Do you want to grow huge and have to push that thing out of you?"

She bit her lip, "I don't know. Maybe. Some things are worth it, you know?"

"Do you want to breast feed?"

Ellie's eyes widened and she stuck her tongue out, "_Noooo..._"

"Exactly. Imagine that."

"Ugh!" She flung herself across the couch, kicking me in the ribs during the process, and smothered her face into a pillow. "I'm so confused."

I rubbed her calf and leaned back, my eyes closed. "You sure are..."

"Sean?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you want a baby?"

"No."

"Oh."

I opened my eyes and looked at her. She looked at me. We looked at each other. Then she started to laugh. "You are so afraid of me right now, aren't you?"

"Yes, I sure am."

"I swear, it's just crazy talk. You know... what could have been. I'm just in a weird mood lately. I don't know what I'm talking about."

"I hope that's what's happening. Or else I might have to get you committed... Come here."

I opened my arms and she crawled over towards me into my lap. I burrowed my face into her shiny hair and sighed. Okay. So she didn't love me, but she wanted to have a baby with me? Ellie was too strange for even me to understand. But that's what I love about her.

**Thanks for the reviews. Hope Ellie doesn't sound like a complete weirdo to all of you. But I had fun writing this chapter and I liked my little Marco/Ellie moment. Hope you all did, too.**


	3. Who I Am

**Chapter Three: Who I Am**

**Sean's POV**

"Hey," I whispered into Ellie's ear. I repeated myself and squeezed her shoulder, watching as she slowly squirmed awake. Her heavy eyelids opened a crack and she smiled sleepily at me.

"What's up?" She whispered back.

"Don't you think you should be getting back home?"

"I thought I would just stay here with you."

"Oh."

"Is that okay?" One of her eyebrows furrowed and I didn't blame her. I was usually begging her to stay the night with me, but... after our conversation tonight with the whole baby situation, maybe it would be better if we cooled it off for a while, if things didn't get so heavy between us.

"I just thought that it would be better if we... cooled down for a bit." I can't believe I just said that to her.

Wait a second, the old Sean said whatever the hell he wanted, when he wanted. Why was I acting like such a total pussy just because I had a girlfriend? Was this what happened to guys with girlfriends? I didn't act like this with Emma. I still did whatever I wanted, even if she asked me to stop or yelled at me or pulled some crusade against me. Why should I be any different with Ellie?

Jay's words to me came to mind. He had called me a wimp, said that I was whipped, that I was going soft. Sean Cameron didn't go soft. I was anything _but _soft. Why couldn't people understand that? But here I was, _whispering_ things to Ellie, stroking her hair, letting her push me around, almost sympathizing with her when she said she wanted a baby... _almost_. What kind of man does that?

God, Jay was right. I was whipped. I let Ellie walk all over me, wrap me around her finger... I wasn't doing a damn thing about anything anymore. And that needed to stop. I needed to show her that I was going to continue to be the same old guy I always was before I met her. I wasn't going to quit hanging out with Jay or put my other friends on hold just because she batted her eyes or she had some sort of problem or her mom was drinking again. Things like that happened everyday. She had to learn to deal with it by herself. I did.

Ellie stood up all the way and gave me a surprised look. "Cool it off?"

"Yeah, cool it off," I repeated. I braced myself for what was going to come next. I was ready to hear her yell at me, scream, threaten to kill herself, anything! I sure as hell didn't expect to hear her say-

"Okay."

"What?" She had to be kidding. She was going to give in that easy. I didn't even have to explain why.

"I said, okay. I mean, maybe you're right. We had broken up right before I thought I was pregnant. Maybe we should have just stayed broken up. So we can clear our heads."

"Yeah."

"I mean, we've been pretty intense ever since that detention. We didn't even become friends first. We just kind of... started going out."

"You're right. People usually become friends first."

"Exactly."

"So, you're fine with this? I mean, it's not forever. Because I still care about you."

"I know. And I care about you."

"Well..."

Ellie stood up abruptly. "I better get going..." I stood up after her and walked her to the door.

"So, ummm... bye?" she grabbed my hand and shook it before walking out the door.

Well. That went well.

**Ellie's POV**

What the hell is going on? Why is Sean all of a sudden wanting to take breaks again and all this shit? I'm so sick of his constant mood changes and all this crap he's putting me through.

But he's right. Seriously. I'm having way too many problems with myself without having to take care of him too. We just need a few weeks to get our shit together and get back on the track to normality. So, I'm okay with this.

Okay, it sucks just a bit.

But I will not listen to cheesy love songs.

I will not stuff my face with chocolate.

I will not mope.

I will not be Ashley.

Oh God. That's horrible.

"Morning, sweetie."

My dad kissed me lightly on the top of my head and sat down at the kitchen table with his coffee. I poured myself a mug and added crème to it before sitting across from him. Of course, he was reading the paper.

"Dad?"

"Hmm?" I heard him murmur from behind the rustling of the newspaper.

"I thought you were going to Europe."

"Oh Ellie, I almost forgot. Tonight the company is holding a dinner for a charity function. Make sure you're home by seven so you can go with us."

"Dad? Europe?" I tried again. Maybe this time he'd actually listen.

"Europe didn't work out. We just stayed at this little bed and breakfast a few towns over." My mom sailed into the kitchen, pearls and all. She grabbed herself a cup of coffee and sat down too. Her immaculate nails tapped against the mug. When dad was gone, she didn't even bother with her nails. Now that he was here, she kept up her weekly appointment at the local nail salon. My eyes scanned over her tweed business suit and high heels. God, who were we trying to kid?

No one would ever guess that we had problems. Except for the fact that my parents have a "freak" for a daughter. Everyone always asks them if I'm depressed. Do I look depressed? I'm perfectly fine. I'm just sick of everyone acting like I'm so different. No one knew that my mom was once an alcoholic, my dad was a workaholic, and that I spent every night alone.

"Yeah, that place was really quaint, wasn't it, Christian?" My mom smiled at my dad over her cup. He met her eyes and winked back at her.

Oh God... I knew what that meant. At least someone would be getting some action. "I was going to stay later at my co-op today."

"Well, you're just going to have to come home earlier. I really need you there, Elle-belle."

"Fine."

No, it wasn't fine. I needed to do extra work for a new piece Caitlin was doing. But I couldn't say no to my father. Just like he could never say no to me. So I'd come home early, put on a nice dress, and parade myself around in front of all my dad's colleagues and pretend that I was fine. My mom would introduce me to some son of a rich friend of hers, and I would have to be polite and dance with him and let him do whatever he wanted.

"Ellie, shouldn't you be going to school now?" My mom asked me.

I shook my head and returned to the present. "Huh? Oh... yeah." I got up and started towards the door.

"Well, I'm going to head off, too. Ellie, I'll just take you to school." My dad grabbed his briefcase off of the kitchen counter and kissed my mom goodbye. They clung to each other for a few moments like they were the only two people in the world. Or like the world was going to end or something. I smiled. I couldn't help it. Sometimes my parents were just so romantic.

Too bad I'm 0-2 in the romance department.

"Hey Ellie."

I turned around to look Sean in the face and smiled. He looked great. He certainly didn't look like he had spent most of the night tossing and turning over his decision. "Hey Sean. What's going on?"

'Eh, nothing... But I have to go. I just wanted to say hi."

I watched as he jogged down the hallway towards Jay and Alex. That was it? Hi? I guess since I'm just his _friend_ now, he doesn't feel the need to stick around and ask me how I am or ask me if I wanted to grab a Chai latte later on. Of course he doesn't need me anymore. So why should I need him?

I spotted Ashley talking to Paige at the other end of the hallway and immediately I started towards them. Maybe some girl talk with Ashley would make me feel better.

"Hey Ash!" I called out once I got closer.

Ash said goodbye to Paige and came towards me, except Paige followed her. And then she stood there right next to Ashley expecting to get into our conversation. Can you say rude? Not that Ashley seemed to mind or anything. Is it me, or am I constantly being dumped for Paige?

"So, Ellie. I heard Sean broke up with you."

Paige crossed her arms and gave me a pity smirk. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms too. "Jeeze, word sure travels fast. Anyway, he didn't break up with me. We mutually decided to take a break."

"That's not what I heard..."

And then she left. Why does she do that? Did she know something I didn't? "Ash?"

Ashley looped her arm through mine and dragged me down the hall towards our first period class. "Don't listen to Paige. She's just trying to start stuff. But how are you doing?"

"I'm fine. Like I said, it's just a break. For like two weeks. Sean just thinks I need a little time to sort things out."

"Ahh. The infamous 'break' from the relationship. That sucks."

Why was everyone saying it like that? Like Sean had seriously just dumped me. He hadn't. He had specifically said that we'd be getting back together, right? Suddenly this break didn't seem like such a good idea.

**Ashley's POV**

"You're awfully quiet."

Ellie stared at the ground as we walked to class. Had I said something? I didn't think I had, but sometimes my mouth ran before my head.

I couldn't help but be angry at Sean. I mean, this whole break thing could seriously send Ellie over the edge. And I had a feeling she was just teetering at the very end. She looked so pathetic. Like she was painstakingly trying to make it look like she was happy and okay with the whole situation. She was even still wearing the ring Sean had given her.

"I'm fine," She replied shortly. Obviously, she wasn't. But she'd never let on that she was miserable.

"If you say so... So what are you doing tonight?"

"I have my co-op and then I have to go to this dinner thing with my parents."

"Rubbing elbows with the rich and famous?"

"Something like that." She stuck her tongue out and made a face, causing me to laugh.

"You act like it's a death sentence. You get to get all dressed up, eat fine cuisine..."

"Have older people pinch my cheeks, do the waltz with perverted boys, listen to Kaity Fester bitch about how her earrings are only one carat instead of two..."

"Okay, I get it. You can stop there. Well, call me later on, though, okay?"

Ellie looked up at me and gave me the first real smile of the day. "Okay."

**Marco's POV**

"Hey guys, Ellie's going to sit with us today," I set my tray down on the table and pulled out the seat next to me for Ellie. She graciously took it and set her Cherry Coke down in front of her.

"Aww, is she slumming it today?" Paige mad a sad face and clasped her hands together.

I watched Ellie's face. Stone cold. Her usual look today. She wasn't even going to say anything to Paige? That was strange. Usually she had some biting remark to shoot back. Her and Paige had little tolerance for each other.

"Paige, quit it," Ashley said quietly. Everyone went back to eating their lunches silently.

Usually you couldn't shut our table up, but today was different. No one talked. We just sat there and ate. Once in awhile someone would clear their throat and for a moment everyone would look up, expecting something to be said, but we were always met with silence. The last few days we had goofed off, of course, but also we'd been, once again, talking about Ellie. And whether she was getting better or not.

Everyone knew about Ellie's pregnancy scare. I think Ashley might have let it slip to Paige, who had immediately told everyone possible. I don't think Ellie knows though. No one's said anything to her. Everyone's immediate reaction when they heard the news was usually "that's what happens when you're easy". It hurts to hear people say that about her. Especially since I know her better than anyone.

I shoved a spoonful of pineapple into my mouth and watched as Ellie meticulously peeled a grape with her neon purple fingernails. She hadn't even mentioned anything to me about Sean since our conversation on the phone last night. She had been clearly upset last night, but I hadn't been too worried. She had assured me that she was fine and it was only for a while.

Sean has barely even looked at her today from what I've seen. That's got to hurt. And here she was, peeling her grapes, and then lining them up in a long row across plate. Not even eating them. Not even eating a stupid, damn grape. I wanted to pick those grapes up and force them down her throat. Anything to give me hope that she would be okay.

"Uh, hon, didn't anyone ever tell you that you're not supposed to play with your food?"

Of course Paige had to say something.

Ellie looked up slowly and opened her mouth as if she was going to say something. But she just closed it instead. And shot up from the table. And then she ran.

**Ellie's POV**

I hate her.

I finished applying my evening makeup and threw the eyeliner down onto my vanity.

I hate that bitch.

She _always_ has something to say. Just once I wish she would keep her mouth shut. It's like she gets pleasure from other people's pain or something.

I've never liked Paige.

I hate her even more since she caught me in the bathroom. Since she decided to play hero and rat me out to Ms. Suave. Since when did she become Mother Theresa?

"Ellie, you almost ready?"

I turned around and looked at my mom. I couldn't help but smile. She looked amazing. Her hair was all sleek and straight, showing off her amazing cheekbones. I even approved of the fact that she had put on a healthy amount of eyeliner. It looked great on her.

My mom sailed over to me and started to run her fingers through my hair. "How about we pull this into a chignon?"

"Yeah, that's fine," I murmured. I watched in the mirror as she started to twist my hair back into a simple low bun and then fanned the ends out. She could always fix my hair so fast.

She pressed her cheek against mine. "You look beautiful."

My throat caught. This was what it was like to have a normal mom. This is what it used to be like around here. Before my dad's business went sky-high and my mom was promoted. Before we had money rolling in left and right.

My mom approved of my simple black dress that night. She didn't even yell at me for wearing black... again. I slipped on a pair of kitten-heeled shoes and grabbed my matching purse. Maybe tonight wouldn't be so bad.

Two hours later I rushed into the bathroom. The night was going horribly. The food was overwhelming, the music was way too loud, and, left and right, my mom was introducing me to whichever teenage boy she could get her hands on. She even tried to convince me that I should check out the Taylor boy. He was twenty-three.

I slipped to the upper part of the country club and into what I thought was an empty bathroom. I just had to get away for a second. Catch my breath. Clear my head. Be alone.

I opened the door and found about a dozen other kids in there. I recognized the Hansons' boy and the Kippers' twin girls and Matty Vargas. And Jared Deveraux. I've known Jared for a long time now. He used to live in Montreal also, but had moved to Degrassi about a year before me. He was my supplier.

"Ellie," Jared coughed. "You in?" He motioned towards the little mirror they were all passing around. There were about six lines left on it.

Wordlessly, I kneeled down next to Jared and waited my turn. He slowly took a hit off of his joint and offered it to me. I took it to pass the time away before the real solution came to me. Nothing takes my mind off of things like coke does. It's a dangerous habit. But so are most of my other habits.

Finally the mirror came to me and there were three lines left on it. I stole a peek at Jared and he nodded. "Go ahead. There's more where that came from." He patted his coat pocket and smiled at me. He was so fucking high.

I finished the last three lines and greedily wiped my finger across the mirror, looking for any remnants. One by one all the others started to leave until only Jared and I were left in the bathroom. He scooted over towards the wall and sat with his back against it. I followed his lead.

"I'm so fucking bored," He choked out as he took a hit off of another joint he had lit up.

I nodded silently. I totally agreed.

"Not just with this whole party thing, but with life in general."

Again, I nodded.

"You don't talk much."

"There's not a lot to say."

"You're ripped."

"No, I'm not."

"Yeah, you are. I can tell by looking in your eyes. You're floating on cloud nine right now. Sorry if I'm killing your buzz by talking to much."

"Don't worry about it. I'm just glad I'm having a mellow buzz tonight. Good thing I didn't drink anything before."

"Yeah... otherwise I'd have to take care of your ass as you bounced against the walls."

"Shut up. That was a long time ago."

"I know, but it's still funny."

I laughed and put my head in my hands. Jared was referring to the first time I had done coke with him. It had been at some party and we had both been drinking and we had snorted some lines in a dark closet. He had to sit on me to keep me under control later that night.

"You know, just because we're rich doesn't mean we're happy."

I stared at Jared. How did he know exactly what I was thinking? "I know."

He loosed his tie a little bit and unbuttoned the first few buttons of his dress shirt. "I'm so sick of smiling all the time at these little functions."

"Or staying home by ourselves while our parents go out to dinner with friends or stay at work late."

Jared laughed, "Yeah... Or always being the best."

"I like being the best."

"I know you do." Jared hit his head back against the wall. "God! If they only knew what their perfect children were doing in the bathroom while they sipped their champagne and donated thousands of dollars to the cancer society or some education bullshit... Always taking care of other people before their children. That's what I always said."

"And then buying their children's love."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

We passed the joint back and forth between us, counting down the hours until we could go home and go back to pretending. Jared cleared his throat and I turned to look at him. And he kissed me. And I kissed him back.

I don't really know why. Maybe it was because I was bored out of my mind. Or maybe it was just a natural reflex. Or maybe I was just too high to know what the hell was going on. But most likely it was because my boyfriend had just broken up with me and Jared knew how it felt to be me. He knew what it was like to have so many expectations put on yourself and what it felt like to be alone. For that moment, as we kissed, we weren't alone anymore.

**_So, who hates me now? Haha. Eh, thought I'd put a little twist into the plot. Hope you enjoy the chapter. _**


	4. Carve Your Heart Out

**Chapter 4: Carve Your Heart Out**

**Ellie's POV**

The kiss lasted a long time. Then it turned into a full-blown make-out session. I was hungry for any kind of affection at the moment so I didn't even care that this was _Jared_, not Sean. I just wanted to feel someone's hands on me and lips on mine. His hand snaked up the side of my leg towards the hem of my skirt. I really didn't even care how far we went. I wasn't even in the right state of mind anyway.

We pulled away about fifteen minutes later, out of breath and shaking. His smile danced in front of my face. I saw his smile about five times. My mind raced and I tried to stand up. "You okay?" I could hear his voice echoing deeply. Why did his voice sound so weird?

"I'm fine!" Even my voice sounded far away and tinny.

He laughed and I pushed the heel of my hand into the side of my head. His laugh _hurt_. I took a few steps towards the door and kept my balance by hanging onto the edge of a sink. This was so hard. I just wanted to get out there and go home to my room where I could shut the door behind me and then cut up my arms. I wanted that so bad.

I stumbled out of the bathroom door and the music rushed to my ears. Did it have to be so loud? A goofy smile tugged at my lips, but I suppressed it. I didn't want to look _insane_.

"Ellie! Quit it!" My mom appeared at my side and tugged on my elbow, leading me towards the table she was apparently eating at. "You haven't touched any of your food!"

"I'm not hungry."

"Don't be rude! The Welsch's are sitting right over there! Do you want them to hear you?"

I grabbed my arm and fell into my seat. I did not want to be here anymore. If I had to listen to Mrs. Welsch say one more time how her son Tommy would just be _perfect_ for me, I'd throw up...

"Oh, Ellie! I wish Tommy could have been here! He would have liked to see you so much."

I plastered a fake grin onto my face and nodded in agreement. I couldn't bring myself to say "me too" or anything remotely polite. I just wanted to scream. There is only so much a person can take.

My parents and I found our way home around two in the morning. I immediately ran upstairs to get out of my dress and to start on my homework. I was so wired that I probably wouldn't sleep at all that night. Like normal.

"I was really disappointed in you tonight, Ellie."

My mom had followed me into the room. It figures. The one time I _don't_ want her around, she's everywhere.

"What did I do?" Seriously, what had I done? I didn't do anything.

"I barely even saw you! You know, the Dorrs were hoping to have a word with you, and do you know how embarrassing it was for me to not be able to find you? Where did you even go-"

I totally just tuned her out. I really needed to concentrate on my math homework and her rambling on about how I was rude when I wasn't was just breaking my concentration. Logarithms, Natural Logs, none of this stuff made sense...

"Ellie!"

I sighed with frustration and turned around in my chair to face her. Would she _ever _quit? Most likely no.

"Is something going on?"

Wait... was my mother sounding concerned for me? Was she actually looking at me like that- as if she actually cares how I feel? My throat caught and I had to keep the small smile from tugging at my lips. All I wanted was to just burst into tears and tell my mom what had happened with Sean. How he had dumped me and had called it just a "break". How he had ripped my heart out. How Marco was too busy with Dylan to even care and Ashley just wanted to hang out with Craig every chance she got. But was I really supposed to say "Mom, my life's a mess"?

I knew she really wouldn't even care. She wasn't really concerned about me. She just wanted to appear that she was. I wanted desperately to tell her everything, but she really wouldn't listen. She would just ask me what I had done to chase Sean away. As if I had done anything. He was just being a jerk.

"Nothing's wrong mom," I turned back to my math. Maybe she'd get the point now. That I didn't want to talk anymore...

I heard her slowly walk out of the room. Good. Now I could just wallow in self-pity.

**Four Days Later:**

**Sean's POV**

I grabbed my trademark grey hoodie and ran out of the door to my apartment. If I didn't haul ass to school, I'd definitely be late. Late to school meant one more bad mark on my record. Meaning my school welfare could be taken away from me. That would suck royally.

I made it to school with three minutes to spare. Just enough to throw my backpack in my locker before heading to shop. My mission was forgotten though when I spotted Ellie leaning against her locker looking bored. Wow. I hadn't even talked to her since we broke up.

A flash of guilt passed over me. Maybe I should eat lunch with her today. See what was up with her. Be friendly. That sort of thing. "Hey El."

She glanced up and gave me a smile. "Hey Sean. What's up?"

"Not much. You want to eat lunch together today? You know, catch up?"

She shrugged one shoulder. "Sure. In the courtyard?"

"See you there."

"Bye."

"Bye."

That wasn't so awkward.

Ah. English class. My favorite class of the day. Yeah, right... At least lunch was next and I could relax for a few moments of my life. Jay and I could talk about cars and how sick the race was last night and... Oh, that's right. I was eating lunch with Ellie today.

"Hey, Sean."

I looked up at Emma's voice. Huh? Since when did she talk to me? "Hey, Emma."

"So, how are things going?"

"Fine..." My voice trailed off confused and she laughed a little.

"I know what you're thinking. Why am I talking to you, huh?"

"Yeah, actually, I was."

"I know, and I was just thinking that maybe we should put the past behind us, you know?"

Where was this going? "Sure, friends."

"Yeah... friends..."

Okay, normally, from that tone of voice, I would gather that she wanted to be more than friends. But this was Emma. The girl who I broke up with so coldly. Who tried to get me expelled. Who claimed that I tore out her heart and stomped on it.

This was also my first serious girlfriend. The first girl I had ever had any real feelings for. Who made me look past her goody-goody image. Who helped me stop drinking all the time. Just the thought of our relationship made me smile. Maybe... maybe I should reconsider Emma. I mean, I had treated her pretty badly when she had always been good to me. So maybe I should give her another chance. Show her that I could be a better person. That I wasn't such a bad guy.

"So, Emma... What are you doing tonight?"

I picked my tray up from the counter and headed towards the doors to the courtyard. Ellie said she would meet me out there. I figured she meant "our" table. Our table was this little picnic table in between these two trees. It was close to the playing fields, away from everyone else.

"Yo, Cameron. Where you heading?"

Jay sauntered over towards me with Alex in tow. "I'm sitting with Ellie today."

Jay opened his mouth but I saw Alex jab him in the ribs and give him a look that clearly meant "be nice". I smiled at Alex and turned back towards the doors. I saw Ellie already sitting at the table, slowly tracing a finger in the grooves of the splitting wood.

"Hey," I took a seat and set my tray in front of me, ready to dig into my fries and grilled cheese. I had seriously waited all day for this lunch. It was the only edible food here. Seriously.

She looked up and leaned her cheek on her hand, "hey."

Her voice was soft and the slight wind rustled her hair behind her. I still felt a tug at my heart when I looked at her. I can't lie about that. I pushed my fries at her and offered her a few. She hesitated before grabbing the smallest one.

"Ugh, these have so many calories in them."

"Why do you care so much?"

She just gave me a look and popped the fry in her mouth, chewing it slowly.

I cleared my throat. "So how are Dol and Gab?" I asked. Dol and Gab are my nicknames for the kittens I gave her.

She laughed, "Totally wild. Seriously, you should have seen them this morning. They just tore throughout my room. I have half the mind to put them on ritalin."

"Just don't take Spinner's. I really don't care to see his ass anymore."

She smirked, but couldn't really feel the same pain I did. She hadn't been there at that game. She only knew it from people talking about it.

My napkins blew off of my tray towards the end of the table and I reached my hand over to grab them. That's when I saw it. The carving. "Sean Ellie". Wow. I had totally forgotten about that day when I had carved our names into our table...

**Flashback**

"Sean! This is totally defacing school property!" Ellie giggled and reached

over to grab the knife from my hand.

I was too quick for her. "Since when do you care about the rules Nash? Ms. Ace Reporter?" She arched an eyebrow and made a face at me. That look drove me crazy, but I still wasn't going to give the pocketknife to her. I wanted everyone to know how crazy I was for this girl.

She sighed and sat back expectantly. I lowered the point of the knife to the table and started carving out the S. I sneaked a look at her from lowered eyes and caught her smiling crazily. She was definitely enjoying this.

"Just don't put something cheesy like "4ever"."

I stopped my carving and looked at her dryly. "Do I look like someone who would write "4ever"? Please, Nash."

She threw her hands up, "Sorry! Sorry!"

I laughed and finished carving out the rest in total silence. I wanted it to look perfect. It's crazy, but just doing this meant a lot to me. It was permanent. No one would ever be able to forget that me and Ellie had been together. We had been girlfriend and boyfriend. I had been crazy about her. We had sat at this table. No one could ever take that away from us.

I finished and leaned back to check out my handiwork. Suddenly I felt Ellie's arms from behind me wrap themselves around my neck and squeeze me back towards her chest. "It's perfect!" she whispered into my ear and pressed her lips on the skin below my ear, just where my cheek and neck meet. I love when she kisses me there. Tingles ran up my spine and before she could turn away, I turned my head and caught her lips with my own. We smiled against each other's lips. We did this every time we kissed. I couldn't help but smile around her. I loved it.

I turned around in the bench so I was facing her. "Come here," I whispered and I grabbed the back of her thighs and pulled so her knees were on the bench I was sitting on and she was straddling me. She pushed the hair back off of my forehead and kissed it. I couldn't get over how serious she looked, looking at me like that. Like she wanted me right then and there.

And that's when I knew I never wanted anyone but her.

**End of Flashback**

"Sean?" I shook my head and looked at Ellie. She looked back at me

worried. "Are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was just thinking about something."

"Oh, okay... So, did I tell you what Heather Sinclaire said the other day?"

I shook my head and leaned forward, "No, but tell me now."

"Okay, so, we were in chemistry and..."

I watched her as she told her story. The way she looked down at the table while shaking her head, looking up at me every couple of words to make sure I was still listening. The way a few strands of her hair fell in front of her face. Her dimples. And then she started laughing. The way her whole body shook when she laughed. I loved that.

I didn't even really hear anything she had just said, but I laughed too. Whatever Ellie found funny, I usually found funny also. I looked over to the side of me and saw Emma walking with Toby and JT. Had I seriously just asked her to come over tonight? There was no way I could do that now. Not after eating lunch with Ellie and seeing her laughing and seeing the stupid carving. I had to let Emma down. And quick.

**I apologize profusely for my lack of updating. I had a real writer's block there for a little bit. Plus I've been super busy. I hope you liked this chapter. **

**Is there anyone you guys would like to hear from? Seriously, I need suggestions of POVs I can do! So I hope you guys like this chapter and review and send some suggestions my way!**


	5. One Night Stand

**Chapter Five: One Night Stand**

**Emma's POV**

I couldn't believe my eyes. Was Sean seriously sitting with Ellie? I thought they broke up! That's what I had heard anyway... What was with Sean asking me over this morning if him and Ellie weren't through? Maybe... maybe he was just being nice to her. Maybe they are just friends. People can break up and be friends, right? I wouldn't know. Both of my relationships had gone bust before I could even figure out how they had begun. I'm not even sure if you could consider Chris my friend. We don't even really talk at all...

I really want to talk to Sean. To tell him how I felt when he hurt me before. I want him to know that he had really hurt me. He had devastated me. But I want to get over it and start new. Fresh. I was sort of scared to talk to him with Ellie around. She's so... intimidating. Her and I had always had this sort of mutual respect for each other, but we didn't see eye to eye on a lot of issues. Memories of the whole GM Foods debate racked my brain. That had been a mess. And if Ellie was still interested in Sean like I was, I knew I'd be in for a whole lot bigger mess.

"Sean... Hey..." I leaned back against my locker expectantly. Was he going to tell me to come over earlier? If I wanted him to order a pizza?

"Hey... Emma..." He sounded a bit uneasy and I noticed that his hands were in his pockets, something he always did when he was nervous. I knew his mannerisms so well. I'm sure that was something Ellie didn't know. "Listen, Em..."

"I'm really happy we're going to talk tonight. There's something important I really need to discuss with you. I thought you were going to get all weird on me since I started talking to you, but it hasn't been like that. It's been comfortable. That's the only word I can really find to describe the feeling. You know?"

He clenched his jaw and looked away briefly. I followed his gaze and saw Ellie strolling along reading a paper. Was he going to freeze up now that she had appeared? Was he going to deny that he had ever asked me to come over? That he was considering us getting back together? I clenched a fist on reflex and nervously awaited his response.

He licked his lips and smiled at me, "We do have stuff to talk about. So, see you at seven?"

"Seven."

"Great. Bye."

"Bye, Sean."

I had to keep myself from letting out a tiny shriek. This was great. By tomorrow it would be Sean and Emma again. I was really liking the sound of that.

**Ellie's POV**

I'm not blind. I saw Sean and Emma talking. At first, my whole throat constricted and I couldn't even breathe. If he was even thinking about running back to her...

But then I breathed easy. I mean, Sean wouldn't do that to me. He cared about me. He didn't want to hurt me. I had to learn to just get on and wait for things to set back in place. Pretty soon, it would be Sean and Ellie again. I couldn't wait for that.

**Sean's POV**

Am I a bad person? Seriously, am I? It's not like I'm stringing two girls on at the same time, right? Ellie and I are over for now. That means we experiment before getting back together. This is the chance for me to decide whether or not I want her or Emma. This is closure for me. Really, Ellie will benefit from this in the end. Maybe now she could clear her head and get over all her problems.

That just sounded completely insensitive.

I dashed to the door as soon as I heard the knock. That had to be Emma. I glanced at the clock on the wall as I reached the door and saw that it was 6:45. She was early.

"Hey Em... Ellie?" You have got to be kidding me. Ellie was not standing in front of me. Ellie was not standing in front of me. Ellie was not standing in front of me.

She was definitely standing in front of me. And she was very real.

"Hey, Sean. Sorry... I just got done with my co-op and I realized I left something here."

"What did you leave?" Was this some sick ploy to invite herself over?

"A book." She breezed past me into the living room and I saw her glance at the open box of pizza I had left on the coffee table. The pizza that was meant for me and Emma. Great. Now I would have to offer her a piece and she'd take it and sit down and take forever removing most of the cheese. Then Emma would show up and it'd be a huge cat fight.

She grabbed a paperback off of the stand next to the couch and held it up in front of me as proof that she hadn't been lying. I glanced at the book. _Franny and Zooey_. I could remember her laughing while reading it and I always wondered what was so funny. She'd tell me that I'd have to read it to find out. And then I would remind her that I don't read. Then she'd deliver some sort of sappy speech like it's never too late or some other bullshit like that. And that would piss me off. And then I'd remember that she was the only person who ever cared enough about me to push me like this.

"You found it."

"Yeah, I did."

I couldn't tell what was more awkward. My belated response, or the tone of her voice. She was totally accusatory. Her eyes bore into mine and the top of my lip began to sweat. She knew. She so knew.

"Okay, well, I better get home. Have fun with... your pizza."

And then she was gone. That was a dig towards me. I know it.

**Emma's POV**

I glanced at the mailboxes to make sure which apartment was Sean's. I had never been to his apartment. When I was with him he still lived in the small house with Tracker. I guess I had been so busy with Snake and Jack that I hadn't even seen his new apartment. But how could anyone blame me? Snake had cancer.

I was walking up the steps when I saw her walking down them. We both stopped in our tracks and her mouth fell open in surprise. I closed my own mouth. "Ellie... hi..." I stammered slightly. This was slightly uncomfortable. Ex-girlfriend and ex-ex-possibly- new-girlfriend.

"Hi." She lifted up a book. "I just was getting my book," she offered somewhat lamely.

"Oh." What was I supposed to say? She had every right to be there as I did. Not that I wanted her to be there. Why did she have to leave her book there? Had her and Sean shared some sort of connection up there just now? Had he asked her to stay and hang out with them tonight?

"Well, I better get going. Nice to see you, Emma."

I could tell she was trying to be as civil as possible, but I saw her lower lip quivering slightly. She was scared. She was scared that she was losing Sean and I was the one taking him from her. She brushed past me and I couldn't help but look at her as she walked out of the door and down the street. I ran down the steps and pressed against the glass door following her figure as it retreated.

I saw her quicken her pace and then slow it down. And then she just stopped and threw her book down on the sidewalk angrily. I turned around and leaned against the door, breathing hard and slightly shaky. Why was I feeling sorry for her? I cared about Sean, too. She wasn't the only one. I just wanted him back. So why did I have to feel like the evil one?

My night at Sean's had been interesting. I pulled my hair out of it's ponytail and started to run a brush through it before I headed off to bed. We ate pizza, watched a movie, and talked about what had happened between us. I smiled at the thought of how much we laughed over reminiscing the past. It had been a lot of fun. And we had held hands. And when I left, Sean had kissed my cheek. It had been perfect.

"Did you have a good time, Emma?" My mom appeared in my doorway, holding Jack.

I got up and took Jack from her, bouncing him slightly on my hip. "Yeah, it was like old times."

"That's good. I noticed that Sean has definitely changed."

"Oh really, when?"

"When he helped with Snake's car. That was really nice of him."

Snake had never told my mom why Sean had helped him with the car. We knew she'd be way too upset over it. It was our little secret.

"Well, I have some ice-cream upstairs for a late dessert if you want some."

"Can I ever turn down ice-cream, mom?"

I followed her upstairs and we sat around the table with Jack in his highchair. I looked around the table and smiled. We really were a family. Snake took a bite of his ice-cream and swallowed it before looking at me thoughtfully. "Aren't Sean and Ellie going out, Emma?"

I froze, my spoon halfway to my mouth. "I guess not. I'm not sure."

"Huh. Were you guys just working on a project or something?"

"Yeah, we have this project in Ms. Kwan's class. Plus, we were just hanging out." I can't believe I just lied to my dad, but I didn't want him to suspect that I was coming in between them. Because I wasn't, right? "Now that I think about it, Sean did mention that him and Ellie were taking a break or something." There, that had some truth to it.

"That's a shame. I thought they went well together."

"Yeah..."

"Sean did a real turn-around when he started dating her."

"Yeah."

"Oh well, like you said, it's just a break. That doesn't really mean anything."

I can't believe that me and my dad were discussing Sean's love life. It seemed so wrong. And why was he defending Sean and Ellie so much? I guess I had made it perfectly clear before that I couldn't stand Sean Cameron. Especially after he stole my dad's laptop. But he knew that we were talking more lately. So why was he doing this to me? I set my spoon back in my bowl. All of a sudden I was feeling really guilty.

**Ellie's POV**

I've decided I'm just going to get over it. Seriously. I don't need some guy running my life for me. First it was Marco, not it's becoming Sean. I really need to stop being so pathetic. After seeing how Sean was moving right along with Emma, I knew it was time that I gained control of my life once again. This time I wouldn't be doing things for other people, I wouldn't be helping Marco with his Dylan problems, or listening to Ashley gush about Craig. I wouldn't look at Sean ever again. I would do everything for me. For once, I was going to put me first.

I picked out one of my favorite skirts the next morning and paired it with a sheer black shirt and a purple satin top. Totally couture. As I twisted my hair into two messy buns at the nape of my neck, my dad knocked on my door and strolled in. "Hey sweetie," he mumbled, giving me a kiss on top of my head. "Looks like your old man has to travel."

I snapped the ponytail around the bun and looked at him in the mirror. "What?"

"China."

"Oh."

"I just wanted to come and say goodbye to you. Watch out for you mother."

"Whatever. Bye."

My eyes followed him as he left my room before I smashed a photo of me and my dad that sat on my vanity face down. I never wanted to look at that picture again.

"Hey, Ellie! Wait up!"

I stopped in my tracks and felt the familiar feeling of Marco's arm around my shoulders. "I was thinking... a little Indian food, maybe a moonlit swim..."

"Huh?"

"I think it's time for Miss Nash to throw a party. I mean, just for a few close friends."

"The only friends I have are you and Ashley, Marco."

"You know that's not true."

I didn't say anything to that. "Okay, when is this party?"

"This weekend?"

I racked my brain for any plans I had this weekend. Nope. Nothing on Friday. Nothing on Saturday. Nothing on Sunday. My weekend was totally event-free. But what about my mom? She _had_ mentioned something about visiting my aunt in Fergus for the weekend. Maybe this could work. But did I really want to have a party? I'm not exactly high on the social list. Would anyone even come?

"So that's a yes? Great! I'll go tell everyone! Ciao!"

Marco dashed off with a huge grin before I could even object. Figures. Great. Just something else to add to my level of stress. I had stayed up all night studying for my history test and I was totally not wanting to take it.

"Ellie."

Please let me be hearing things. I turned around and, sure enough, there stood Sean. He held out a book towards me and I glanced at it. Oh yeah. The book I had thrown.

"I found this on the sidewalk?"

"I... I must have dropped it."

"I think it's still readable. Not like it got ran over or anything."

"Yeah... thanks."

"No problem. So... I'll see you..."

I closed my eyes as he started to turn away and grabbed his arm quickly. "Wait!"

Sean looked at me.

"I'm having a party this weekend. You should come."

"_You're_ having a party? What about your mom?"

"She's fine. Plus, she'll be gone. You should definitely come. Bring Emma."

He shifted his weight and scratched the side of his head. "Listen, Ellie... This whole thing with Emma... It's really not what you think. We're just-."

"Friends?" I offered. Not that I believed him. "I know. But I really don't care. Bring her. It'll be fun."

"Well... maybe I'll put in an appearance."

"I would be so lucky. Invite anyone you want. I want it to be big."

"Okay. So I'll see you around."

"Bye."

"Bye."

You will walk away. You will walk away. And you will not look back at him. You will not look back at him. I smiled. I didn't look back at him.

**Saturday Morning**

**Ashley's POV**

"You can still call it off if you want."

"Ashley! I don't want to call off the party. It's going to be fun. I've been miserable enough as it is lately, okay? I want to have _fun_."

"Okay, okay! I hear you!" I laughed and threw a plastic cup at her from the tower I was making on the table. She caught the cup and threw it back at me, winding it up like a baseball player. "Great throw. Almost professional."

"They don't call me fast-pitch Nash for nothing."

We giggled and went back to setting the place up for the party. "Do you want me to call Marco now and tell him to come over?"

Ellie looked over from picking out cds and nodded. "Yeah, please. I almost forgot."

I grabbed my cell phone from the kitchen counter and threw myself onto the living room couch. Marco answered pretty quickly and we chatted for a few minutes before I told him to come on over. I put my cell phone down and walked over to the entertainment system where Ellie was. "He and Jimmy will be here in like a half hour."

"Oh yeah. I told Jimmy to bring some cds. Okay, everything looks clean. We're set."

"A quick dip in the hot tub?"

"Why not?"

I took a sip of my beer and placed it back down next to the jacuzzi. I knew that tonight was going to be awesome. Just thinking of being with Craig in the hot tub made me feel all jittery inside. Ellie must have noticed the huge smile on my face because she nudged me with her elbow.

"What are you smiling about?"

"Craig."

"Oooh. Is someone going to get lucky tonight?"

"I don't think so. But we can fool around, right?"

She laughed and tilted her head back to look through the skylight at the sky. "Yeah, you can."

She adjusted the straps of her black bikini and leaned back, making sure not to get her hair wet. "That's a killer bikini, Nash."

"Please, this old thing?" She joked.

"It's going to make Sean so pissed that he broke things off. Seriously."

"Sean can go to hell. Who says I even want him back?"

I made a big show of coughing and wheezing. "Woah! Are you serious?"

"Dead serious. He's not worth my time. Maybe I'll find someone new tonight."

"Yeah, because there are so many guys from Degrassi to pick from."

"Well, you know how word gets around about parties. Hazel told me that Paige was telling Dylan to bring some of his college friends. Now _there _are some possibilities."

"You slut!" I cracked and she giggled.

"Who's a slut?" I turned around to see Marco and Jimmy coming through the sliding door.

"Ellie. Her and Sean just got finished and already she's thinking of hooking up with a new guy!"

Ellie smacked me on the side of my arm and gave me a shocked look. "Ashley!"

"Sorry..."

Marco rolled his eyes and took his sandals off to put his feet in the jacuzzi. "Well, after the horrific way he broke things off with her, she's allowed to do whatever she wants. Right, Jimmy?"

"Yeah, that's right."

Marco rubbed Ellie's shoulders. "Just be careful, Nash. Those college guys can be... quite the handful."

"Oh, I can handle anyone."

**Ellie's POV**

I drained the contents of my plastic cup and went to go get a refill. The party was huge. People were everywhere dancing, playing pool, swimming, eating, hooking up. If I do say so myself, this was probably the best party anyone has ever thrown at Degrassi. And I was the social butterfly of it all.

Not that the amount of alcohol in my body wasn't helping...

"Fill me up," I whispered to this cute guy working the keg. He took my cup, stealing a glance down my top. I readjusted the strap of my bikini and graciously took the cup from him, teetering a little bit on the stiletto's Ashley had forced me to wear. Alcohol plus high heels don't mix though.

I lifted my cup over my head as I pushed through the crowd of people grinding to the tunes of Usher or somebody like that. Someone grabbed my waist and started pulling me towards them and I turned around to give them a huge piece of my mind. My mouth hung open, though, as I looked the person in the face. Wow. So hot. I licked my lips and parted my mouth in a smile.

"What's your name?" His green eyes swam in front of me.

"Ellie."

"Oh, this house is yours?"

"Yep."

"Awesome. Want to give me a tour?"

I giggled and realized how stupid I sounded. Maybe I should stop drinking before I made a complete fool out of myself. But as I thought that I had already brought my cup up to my lips for another drink. "Sure."

"Ellie!" I looked over to where I heard my name being called from and saw Ashley waving me over rapidly.

"Wait one second... uh..."

"Jacob."

"Right. Jacob. I'll be right back."

I started away and felt his hand as it trailed down my back. "Can't wait," he whispered into my ear as his hand brushed over the back of my thigh. I shivered and sent him a smoldering look before stumbling over to Ashley.

"Sean's here!" She yelled to me over the music.

I froze. He was? He actually came. I followed her finger and saw Sean walking by the pool with Jay, Alex, a few of his other friends, and Emma. Wait. Why was she here? Oh yeah, I invited her. Dammit! I bit my lip violently and shook my head back and forth. "I don't care!" I cried noticing the pathetic whine in my voice and started away, but Ashley grabbed my hand.

"I really think you should stay with me. That guy seems a little too old for you."

"What guy?" I asked innocently, batting my eyelashes a bit.

"Ellie..."

"Fine. But I need a refill. I'll come back, I promise." I wrenched my hand out of hers and walked back into the dancers, looking for Jack or Josh or whatever his name was.

"Hey, Red."

"There you are!" I turned around beaming and threw my arms around his neck. "I've been looking all over for you!"

"Mmm... That's good. So, how about that tour?"

I relished in the feel of his warm hands sliding up and down my back, playing with the strings of my bikini. He slid his hands underneath the back string and slid his hands to my hands and then to the front of my biki-

"Ellie!"

I sighed and looked to the side of me where Marco was standing with Sean and Jay. "What?" I snapped. Couldn't people see that I was trying to fool around with some guy? Take my mind off the hellish week I had just had?

"You have guests." That was all Marco could say? I looked at Jay who's eyebrows were raised and looked like he was about ready to burst out laughing. Marco just stared at me with that _look_ on his face, like I was doing something wrong or something like that. And Sean... well, Sean just looked like he wanted to kill Jacob.

I glanced back up at Jacob who looked like he was ready to just leave. I backed away from him and he let out a frustrated groan. "I'll be right there." Marco nodded and left, Jay and Sean following him, but not before Sean shot one more look at me.

Jacob crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. "Don't tease me, Red."

"Don't worry. Let me just socialize a bit and I'll find you later. Don't leave. I'll make it worth it."

Jacob arched an eyebrow and gave me a once-over before nodding his head in agreement. "I'll be waiting." He brushed his hand across the lower part of my stomach and disappeared into the crowd.

I smirked. Yeah, I'd be waiting, too.

**thanks for the suggestions. It gave me a good idea for Emma. Hope everyone enjoys the chapter. **


	6. You Blew Me Off

1**Chapter Six: You Blew Me Off...**

**Sean's POV**

I gulped down the rest of my cup of beer and slammed it down on the counter top in the kitchen. Of Ellie's house. Where she was having a party. And I had to watch her as she flirted shamelessly with every guy. In _front _of me.

Slut.

I winced at the thought that had just come to my head. She _wasn't_ a slut. I was just mad. Because here we had just decided to take our break a little while ago and she was already forgetting about me.

"Sean?" I turned to Emma. Oh yeah. I guess she wasn't the only one who had moved on. I took in Emma's skirt and her tank top. She really was cute. Maybe it's her and me who are supposed to be together in the end. "Are you okay?"

I nodded and put an arm around her shoulders. "I'm good. Just out of my drink. You want anything?"

"No thanks."

I nodded again and started towards the keg. Or better yet, maybe I should just head to the bar and hurry and get drunk with a few shots. I froze in my tracks, though, on the way to the bar. There she was. She was _always_ right in front of me. Laughing with other guys, touching their arms, letting them rub their hands all over her. I don't even think she was that drunk. Probably just high on all the attention these guys were giving her.

"You really hurt her, Sean."

"Ashlee, I'd rather not talk to you right now."

"The feeling's mutual. But I just think you should know that you really hurt her. And this is what you get for it. You get to watch her move on. Have fun."

I had to restrain myself from hitting her across her self-righteous mouth. Calm down, Sean. Calm down. Let Ellie do what she wants to. I'm not her keeper.

Then I heard her laugh. Red flashed in front of her eyes as I watched a group of guys taking snakebites off of her. Why was she laughing like that? She only laughed like that when I kissed her. Angrily I stalked towards her and grabbed her hand. "Let's talk."

I pulled her away despite the protests of the few guys and entered into a dark empty room. "Sean!" she squealed and ripped her wrist out of my grip. "Stop it!"

"What are you doing?"

"What?"

"What are you _doing_?"

"Having fun. You?"

"Well, I'm not. I don't like seeing you act like this with all those guys. It's not fair, Ellie."

"I can't believe you. You're such a hypocrite, you know? You're off with Emma doing God knows what and I'm just entertaining a few guests and you have the nerve to take me from my own party and yell at me for socializing. Sorry to disappoint you, Sean, but us breaking up didn't really break my heart like you thought it would."

"I _never_ wanted to break your heart and we haven't broken up."

She laughed dryly, "Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. It's just a _break_. How convenient for you."

"Why are you being like this?"

"Being like what?"

I took her appearance in as good as I could in the dark. She stepped closer to me and I could finally see the features on her face. The hard eyeliner traced around her soft eyes, the way her right eyebrow was raised slightly higher than the left, how her lips were parted... It was all too much for me. "You're being... you're being... being... different."

She lowered her eyes and sighed quietly before looking back up at me. "You're different, too."

"No! No, I'm not! I'm not the one acting like some cheap slut and-"

"I am _not_ a cheap slut, Sean!"

"Well, you look like one right now!" I yelled back at her.

She got in my face, "Oh really? Well, your little _girlfriend_ looks-"

I grabbed her and pushed my lips against hers... Hard. We kissed each other like there was nothing left in the world for us. I swear I tasted blood at some point as she bit my lip in the passion and pain has never felt so good to me. I crushed her body to me and she ripped at my hair with her hands. I slid my hands down and lifted her so she straddled me before pushing her against the door we had come in through.

"Sean," she murmured in between kisses and I silenced her with another kiss before untying her bikini top and slipping it off of her. She pulled on my shirt and I helped her take it off of me.

I pushed her chin up so I could kiss every inch of her neck and she moaned as she scratched her fingernails down my back. I gritted my teeth when her nails took off some of my skin and I could feel a trickle of blood- or was it sweat- go down my back. But it felt _good_. I slid my hands down her arms and pinned her wrists above her head as we rocked back and forth. She ripped her wrists free and wrapped them around my neck, kissing my chest and leaving wet trails everywhere and her hair was everywhere and I could smell the rose shampoo she used and I wanted to scream because I had given this up. We stood still except for when we shook from the force of what had just happened. I gripped her waist and unwrapped her legs from around me and held her until her feet touched the floor and then I trailed kisses down the length of my body, my fingers sliding down her back the entire time.

This is why I had come here tonight. I knew we would see each other, and she would try her hardest to make me jealous, and I would give in, and we would find an empty room and fight and pretend to be angry with each other but then I would grab her and we would give into each other and it would be exactly like how it just was. I knew this would happen. That's why I had come tonight.

**Ellie's POV**

"Sean," I muttered as he kissed the inside of my thigh. I was shaking so bad I could barely stand up. I slid down the wall and leaned against it, tears in the corner of my eyes.

I knew it. I knew this would happen.

"Bye, Ellie."

I looked at the floor as she got up and opened the door and walked out.

I knew he was going to use me again.

I tied the strings of my bikini top and checked my appearance in the mirror. I wonder if he'll even still be here when I go out. He probably left. He probably wanted to screw around with Emma while the night was still young. I clenched my jaw as I smoothed my hair down and thought of what had just happened.

I should have told him no. I should have pushed him off of me and left the room immediately. But I can't help it. He's so fucking addictive.

**Marco's POV**

"What's wrong with you?" I handed Ellie the bottle of vodka and she poured herself a shot.

"Nothing," she muttered and immediately I knew something had happened.

"Ellie," I replied with a warning tone. She knew that tone. She knew that meant that she better tell me the truth.

"Marco, I'm fine. Let's just have some fun."

I pulled her into a quick hug and kissed the top of her head affectionately. I knew she was lying, but I'd let it go now. Obviously she didn't want to talk about it. She'd tell me when she was ready. She always did.

"Maybe you should slow down there, Elle," I laughed as she took her third shot in a row.

She smirked and poured another shot, sliding it down to me. I took it like a pro and grabbed her hands. "Let's dance like drunks."

"Okay!" She laughed and we headed off to where everyone was dancing.

**Emma's POV**

"Are you sure you're okay?" I put a hand on Sean's shoulder as we sat by the pool with Jay and Alex and a few others. He drank what was left of his beer and threw the cup down.

"I'm fine," he snapped.

"Sorry!" I snapped back. God, ever since he returned from wherever he was at he's been in a bad mood.

He looked at the fire in front of him and shook his head silently, as if he were thinking about something. I bit my lip and sat back in my seat. This was not fun for me. I didn't want to drink, I didn't want to be around all these people, I wasn't comfortable with seeing Ellie looking so freaking hot and all these guys from college all over her. Sean kept giving the guys dirty looks and... urgh! Why was he being so protective of her?

And why was I being such a jealous freak?

"Let's go."

"What?" I turned my head towards Sean in surprise. Had he really just said he wanted to go.

"Yeah. Let's go. Now."

He grabbed my head and pulled me towards the cars. Jay and Alex followed behind, stopping every three steps to make out. Why couldn't Sean be like that with me?

We leaned against the car as we waited for Jay and the others to come. I stole another look at Sean and saw how upset he looked. "Sean?"

"Emma- have you ever done something really wrong because it felt good at the time and now it... just feels empty?"

I tossed my hair behind my shoulder and thought. "No... I don't think I have." Where was this going?

"Oh."

"Why, Sean?"

"Never mind."

"Sean, you can tell me. I won't get angry with you, I won't judge you. I'll just listen."

"I did something bad. I used someone. I shouldn't have. I mean, I really care for them and I think I just permanently fucked it up. I wish I could take it back."

Who was he talking about? Was he talking about us getting back together or someone else? I cleared my throat and tried to think of something to say but before I could I felt Sean's lips on mine.

"It doesn't matter anyway. I have you now."

Wow. What a complete turnaround. I kissed Sean back lightly and was relieved when Jay arrived with the others in tow. Weird. I didn't even want to kiss Sean anymore.

**Ellie's POV**

"Great party, Nash."

"When's the next one, Ellie?"

"Slut!"

I winced at the last remark. Who the hell had said that? I shook my head. Who cared anyway. I met Marco at his locker and laughed when I saw his face. He looked horrible.

"I had the hangover from hell this weekend," He whispered and placed his head softly against his locker door.

"Do you need some meds or anything?" I started to dig in my bag for the bottle of tylenol I keep in there, but Marco stopped me.

"Nah, I'll be fine. My mom was thoroughly disgusted with me, though."

"Ha! That must have been fun."

"I told her you made me do it. She liked that."

"Thanks a lot, Marco!" I laughed and joined him as he sat down on the ground.

"So... what happened with that guy?" He opened an eye and stared at me.

I shrugged and played with the cap on my Cherry Coke. "Not too much."

"You so banged him."

"I so did not!"

"Yeah, you did."

I bit my lip and shook my head in amazement. All of a sudden my soda pop had become very interesting to me.

"You can't even look me in the eye and say you didn't. What is Sean going to think?"

My hands froze and I laughed sarcastically. "It doesn't matter what Sean thinks anymore. He's a jerk."

"What is going on between you two?"

"Who knows anymore. He thinks he can use people and then just leave them hanging. But I'm never going to let anyone treat me that way anymore."

"You shouldn't. You're too good for that."

"Thanks."

"No problem. I mean it."

I turned my head and gave Marco a genuine smile. He was the sweetest best friend I could ever ask for. If only he knew _everything_ that had happened that night. From Sean to... whatever his name had been. Jacob. Yeah, Jacob.

**Flashback**

"So... it's later now."

I stopped pouring wine into my glass and turned to whoever had said that. The party had started to die down and I could barely see straight. I smiled when I noticed the guy from earlier. His eyes were still green. And still devastatingly beautiful.

"Oh, really? And what is supposed to happen later?" I flirted.

"You and me. That's what."

I almost had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. Almost. I looked back up at him and gave him a smile. "You wait right here. I'm just going to tell my friend something and I'll be back."

"You better be."

I quickly walked over to the door. I wanted to find Ashlee and fast. She was the one person I knew could stop me from making some stupid mistake. Great. Of course. She was permanently attached to Craig's face. I glanced around for Marco. I thought I had seen him leave earlier, but no, there he was. Chatting with some cute guy. Hmmm... I didn't want to bug him either. My vision veered to the left and I saw Jimmy starting to get into a car. I had to stop him.

"Jimmy!" I called out, running as fast as my heels could let me. He froze in the middle of shutting the car door and got back out.

"What's going on?"

"Can you stay a little bit longer. I need help."

"Help with what?"

"There's this guy and..."

"I know, I know. Sean's being an asshole and all, especially with you standing right here, but you'll get over it."

"Sean?" I followed his gaze and landed on Sean and Emma. Making out. He was kissing her like he had just kissed me earlier. I could feel my heart pounding faster and my fists clenched involuntarily. How could he _do _that to me?

"Ellie? You still want me to stay?" Jimmy touched my shoulder and I looked up at his big brown eyes.

"Jimmy," I whispered. He had been in love with me before. Hadn't he? He had told me that I was everything he wanted. He'd gotten down on his knees and begged for a chance with me. And like an idiot I had turned him down. I had turned down one of the only good guys left in this stupid world. I reached my hand up and pulled his face down closer to mine. I needed to feel some sort of affection right now. From someone who was genuine and would never fucking hurt me and use me.

Our lips touched briefly and Jimmy jumped back. He stumbled back drunkenly and landed on his ass by his car.

"Yo, Jim! We leaving?"

Jimmy looked up at me and I looked down at him. I never thought I'd say this but thank God for Spinner. Spinner threw an arm around my neck and squeezed hard, not letting go. "Great party, vampire. I didn't know you had it in you."

I tried to unhook his arms from around my neck, but he was too strong. Eventually he let go and Jimmy brushed the leaves off of his pants. I could hear Paige and Hazel coming closer and I quickly closed the distance between Jimmy and me. "I'm sorry. It never happened," I whispered softly before brushing past him to go back inside.

Why was I doing this?

I could feel hot tears threatening to spill down my cheeks but there was no way I'd ever let that happen. I have way too much pride.

"Red!" I felt an arm grab mine and I stumbled backwards towards the person. "You ready?"

I looked at the hand and then at the person who it belonged to. Great. Jacob. "For what?"

"You told me you'd make my wait worth it." He inched closer to me and gave me a menacing look.

"Oh, right! Yeah, well, I..." The image of Sean and Emma kissing flashed through my head and I gritted my teeth. What the hell. It's not like anyone would care. Most of all me. I tossed my hair behind my shoulder and tilted my head. "Let me give you that tour now."

**End of Flashback**

It hadn't been anything like I expected. I had expected to feel some kind of fulfillment afterwards, but I felt nothing. I felt so empty and numb. And stupid. I was such a stupid girl.

I remember that I made him tell me he loved me before I would go any further than just make out with him. How pathetic am I? I heard him say it and I almost believed it. And that had made it okay.

**Emma's POV**

I shuffled towards the bathroom and hurriedly pushed open the door. I was so sick of the looks Manny and Liberty were giving me. As if I was the worst person in the world. I swear I'm not.

I looked up and noticed Ellie washing her hands. She glanced over and quickly glanced away, but I could see the look of disgust on her face. Could I blame her? I stole her boyfriend.

Remind me never to yell at Manny again for what she did last year.

"You okay?" I noticed that Ellie's eyes look a little red.

"I'm fine," She said softly, never looking me in the eye.

"You know, I'm not that bad, okay? I didn't mean for any of this to happen."

She laughed bitterly, "I'm sure. Don't talk to me, okay?"

"It's not my fault that Sean broke up with you!"

"He didn't _break_ up with me! We were on a break! And then you had to come along and ruin _everything_!" she screamed.

I backed against the wall scared. She looked like she wanted to attack me with everything she had. I glanced at her clenched fists and saw that she didn't have her arm warmers on for once. And I saw every scar on her arms. Some were faint, others looked a few days old, and then I saw the few that looked completely fresh. I felt light-headed and I grabbed onto the edge of the sink for support. The rumors were true. She really did cut.

She went back to fixing her eye makeup and I couldn't take my eyes off of those cuts. How could someone do that? How could it make someone feel good? I noticed the rapid way she was breathing. She was trying not to cry. Her eyeliner kept smearing as she put it on and she had to keep reapplying it.

Were the other rumors about her true? Did she really have those other bad habits? I had heard that she may have an eating disorder. I don't really pay attention to rumors at Degrassi anymore, but seeing that the first one about her was true, was this one too?

No. It couldn't. No one could have that many problems.

"Are you sad?"

I couldn't believe those words had come out of my mouth. Ellie's mouth fell open and she stared at herself in the mirror for a little bit, her eyeliner pencil poised just an inch from her eye. And then she set it down. "Yes," she whispered.

I swallowed hard and felt pricks behind my eyes. "Because of Sean?"

It took her awhile to answer. She kept glancing in the mirror and I noticed she looked down at the cuts on her arms a few times. "Because of everything."

I moved closer to her. "It's okay. I get sad too."

"But I don't show it."

"You could if you wanted to."

"I don't want to."

"Oh."

I stared at her for awhile longer before opening my mouth again. "You know, I don't even really want Sean."

"What?" Ellie whispered.

"I don't even want him. I don't know why I started talking to him again. I'm not interested in him that way anymore. I just... I don't know. I wanted to know if I could have him. Now I know. But I don't want him. I don't love him."

"You don't want him?"

"Nope."

"You don't love him?"

I shook my head.

Ellie bent her head and then looked back up at me, tears spilling down her face. "Then why are you taking him away from me?"

My mouth fell open at the pathetic whimper in her voice. She hit her hand against the counter. "Why did you _steal _him? _I_ want him! More than _anything_. Don't you understand that? Why did you take him?"

"I- I don't know! I'm sorry."

"I've never asked for anything, Emma. I just want him. And you just _take_ him away from me! What kind of person does that? How could you do that?"

"I didn't realize you cared that much for him."

"I _love_ him."

She grabbed her bag and pushed past me before I could say anything. I just stood there, frozen. She loved him. I didn't. Yet, I had him. I looked at myself in the mirror. It was disappointing what kind of person I had become this year. I had hurt my friends, hurt Sean, now I was hurting this girl who had never done anything to me. I had to make it right. If it was the last thing I did, I would make it right.


	7. Doing the Impossible

1**Chapter Seven: Doing the Impossible**

**Ellie's POV**

Why? Why? Why?

Why is she doing this to me? How could she steal him away when she has no feelings for him? How could she stand there and watch me break down and not feel any sympathy for me? How could Sean act is if I didn't even matter to him. _He_ mattered more than anything to me.

I brushed a stray tear from my eye before anyone could see and quickly pulled my arm warmers back up. I can already tell this is going to be the day from hell. As I rounded the corner I felt myself run into something hard and I fell backwards.

"Woah, sorry Ellie."

I stared up and saw Jimmy. This would be awkward. "It's okay. I wasn't watching where I was going."

He stooped down and started to help me gather my books. "Are you okay? You look upset."

"Umm... Yeah, I'm fine. Just... recovering from the other day still."

Jimmy laughed huskily and handed me my books as I stood up. "I think everyone is. That was killer. But listen, maybe we should talk about what happened."

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry I responded so weird. I mean, if it were any other time, if I wasn't dating Hazel, I'd be game for it. But I am dating Hazel and I think I'm in love with her."

"Oh." For some odd reason I felt my heart drop. Why was every other girl loveable? Hazel was so lucky. Jimmy would do _anything_ for her.

"You're a great girl, Ellie. It's just... the _timing_."

"I know. I'm so sorry. I'm completely embarrassed."

"No! Don't be. It was... sweet. You're good."

"Thanks." What else was I supposed to say to that?

Jimmy checked his watch and patted me on the shoulder. "Well, I gotta head to gym, but I'll talk to you later, okay?"

I nodded and watched him retreat down the hall.

I really don't want to be at school right now.

**Sean's POV**

I shut my locker door quickly and picked my backpack up off of the floor before I took off down the hallway. If I wanted to make it to class on time I'd have to run. I realized how dumb I probably looked and slowed down to a speedy walk. Who cares about class anyway? I decided to just saunter down the hallway. Only nerds rushed to class.

I passed a classroom and gave Emma a wave before passing by. She slowly waved back. What was that about? I shook my head and turned my attention back to what was in front of me. A few other kids scurrying to class, Ms. Suave suckering another poor kid into her office, and... Ellie Nash standing at her locker. Should I or shouldn't I? I didn't know whether or not I should say hi or what to her. I'm not sure if we're on the best of speaking terms since what happened at her party.

"Good party."

Did I really just say that to her?

Her shoulders froze and she turned to face me. "Yeah. I thought so, too."

"When's the next one?"

"I don't know. People are still recovering from _this _one."

"I bet."

I shifted my weight to my other leg and took her in. She looked... beautiful. But I _always _thought she looked beautiful. So put together. It was funny how just awhile ago we had been scared about her being pregnant. And we had cuddled on my couch. And then I had to go and open my stupid mouth and suggest a break. Who does that? What kind of idiot gives her up?

Not that I wanted her back or anything...

"So is this just meaningless small talk or do you have something to say to me?" her tone was biting and I noticed for the first time that she looked almost hostile towards me.

"Just wanted to know how you are."

"Oh," she laughed shortly. "I'm good. I mean, I got used for sex this weekend, but what's new?"

"Who used you?" I had to fight to keep my cheeks from turning red. Didn't she realize that I really didn't use her? It meant everything to me.

"Don't play stupid. You did. And Jacob."

She shut her locker door and started down the hallway. Jacob? Who was Jacob? I reached out and grabbed her forearm, dragging her back towards me. "Who's Jacob?"

"Just some guy I met at my party. No one that matters to you."

"If he screwed you he matters to me!" I yelled. God, why did my voice have to sound so desperate?

Ellie wrenched her arm free from my grasp and tossed her hair behind her shoulders, "Don't pull this fake shit. You couldn't care less what happens to me."

"That's not true!" I walked fast to keep up with her as she barreled down the hall, trying to escape me and my questioning.

"Then why did you leave me?"

"What?"

"Why did you leave me after we had sex at my party?"

"Oh."

"Huh?!"

I didn't know what to say. I shrugged my shoulders and waited her response. She stared at me for a few more seconds before throwing her hands in the air in frustration and walking away. I followed her figure as she disappeared down the hallway.

**Marco's POV**

"Hold still!" I chuckled as Ellie's toes squirmed in my grasp. I waved the hot pink nail polish above her toes trying to find the perfect moment to smooth it on. Preferably a moment when she wasn't squirming.

"You're tickling me!" she squealed and laid back on the bed, her hands covering her face. I could hear her moan behind her hands and I rolled my eyes.

"Drama queen."

"Jerk."

"Wench."

"Trend-follower!"

My head snapped up and I narrowed my eyes as I pounced on her, grabbing her head in a choke hold. "Take it back or you get major nookie."

"Oooh, well I wouldn't really mind that. The correct term is a noogie, Marco. _Not_ nookie."

"Oh. Shut up! You're so annoying!" I gave her a huge noogie before letting go. "Never say I'm a trend-follower. I set the trends around here."

Ellie rolled her eyes and inspected the one foot I had painted before my sudden outburst. "_Sure_. This one looks pretty good. But I'll do the other foot."

I watched as she expertly painted her other toe-nails in a minute. She flopped back down on her back and I noticed the edge of her jeans threatening to mess up her handiwork. I grabbed the edge of her jeans and rolled them up to keep them out of the paint. "What are you doing, Marco?"

My hands released her jeans and I sat back staring at the bony leg that glared at me. "Dammit, Elle..." I whispered to myself. I grabbed the plate of brownies I had set on my end table and shoved the plate towards her. "Take a brownie."

"That's okay. I'm not hungry."

"Just take one."

"I don't want one."

"Why not?"

"Why am I not allowed to not want one?"

"Because!"

"Um, because why?"

"Because you're too skinny!"

"Do we really have to go through this again? I'm _not_ skinny." She pulled her leg from my grasp and rolled her pants leg back down with a trademark eye roll. I can tell it really bothers her when I make my little remarks about her being too skinny or not getting enough sleep or whatever else I complain about.

"Listen, I'm not saying this stuff to hurt you. I'm just worried, Ellie."

Ellie sat indian-style and grabbed both of my hands. "Marco, there's nothing for you to worry about. I'm _fine_. Completely fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Okay..."

I didn't believe her. This was the girl who valued truth over everything and here she was _lying_ to me. But what could I do? I couldn't force her to do anything. Ellie would always do whatever the hell she wanted. A small part of me wanted to believe her, but I knew I couldn't. There was no denying it. Ellie was seriously sick with something.

But I wasn't going to tell on her. I owed it to her to keep this quiet. Sure, I might discuss it with Paige or Ashley, but I would never tell a grown-up. Did she tell anyone about my problems when I realized I was gay? No. She just stood by me and stood up for me. She listened to me when I'd call her upset because my dad had, once again, bashed gays that night at the dinner table or I had seen Dylan talking with Tom. She offered me advice, expected me to take said advice, but she never forced me to do anything. I want to be the kind of friend Ellie is to me. But it's hard. I mean, she doesn't have to push me to do anything because I'm so... I don't want to call myself a wimp or anything, but... I give in pretty easy to stuff. Ellie, on the other hand, she's _strong_. She knows what she thinks and what she wants and doesn't have to change for anyone. So what if she never realizes that she's hurting her self by not eating right? What if she continues to think that everything is fine and she's healthy when she's not? Would I be able to forgive myself if I let her go through the rest of her life living like this?

"We have to start planning your campaign strategy, Marco."

I snapped back to attention and met Ellie's eyes. What was she talking about? "Huh?"

"Your campaign strategy for class president?" Her eyes widened at the thought that I had forgotten about it already.

"Oh, right. That. You just think of something."

"Marco! Why are you running if you don't even care?"

"I do care. I'm just preoccupied right now."

"With what exactly? You're just sitting there."

I scratched the top of my head and shrugged. "I don't know... things..."

"You are such a loser."

She rolled her eyes and grabbed a notebook from her backpack along with a pen. "Okay, so first you have to make a list of what issues you'd like to address. What's important to you, you know? Class President has to think about the class trip- fundraising, where we'll be going, what we'll do there... Stuff like that. Also, you can address some issues that have more to do with the entire school. For instance, oh, I don't know, the idea for the video yearbook. The yearbook staff mentioned it awhile ago and nothing has been done about it yet. It's crazy! We come up with this great idea to have a little video yearbook which will capture moments like the talent show and the drama skits or, perchance, someone's awesome performance in the play... Stuff that can't necessarily be put into a yearbook and Raditch still hasn't given us an answer about it. It's borderline ridiculous..."

"Ellie?" I held my fingers to my temples and squeezed slightly. "You're talking way too fast and you're giving me a major headache right now. Let's go back to the beginning..."

"What? Okay, issues- class trip, fundraising, video yearbook, get answers from Raditch... does that catch you up to speed?" She smirked and raised an eyebrow.

I sighed and fell face first into her bed spread. "Nash, you're nuts."

**Emma's POV**

"Sean, can you quit it?" I tried to push Sean off of me. The feel of his tongue against my neck was making me sick.

Wow. I never thought I'd say that.

Sean groaned and sat back on his bed. The bed he had probably had sex with Ellie in who knows how many times. I wrinkled my nose and wondered if he had ever washed the sheets.

"Why'd you stop?" Sean tried to hold my hand but I quickly removed it from his reach.

And shrugged. "I don't know..." my voice trailed off and I stood up from the bed, tugging at my top. I wondered over to his dresser and noticed a picture frame face down. I picked it up and studied it. It was of Ellie and him. He looked so handsome without his hat on, which he had recently taken to wearing again, and he was dressed up. Looking closer I realized it had been taken in a restaurant before the Homecoming dance. The restaurant was fancy. We had never gone to a fancy restaurant. But for some reason that didn't anger me. I didn't feel jealous at all.

My eyes shifted over to Ellie next. Talk about radiant. One hand was over Sean's on the table and the other was resting on his shoulder closest to her. And her head was tilted towards his. They were almost cheek to cheek. And they looked good. _They look good together_. I noticed the shiny ring on Ellie's finger and realized that Sean must have paid a pretty penny for it.

The thing that struck me most about the picture, though, was the expression in their faces. Sean was _smiling_. And it wasn't a fake one. It was real. His eyes had slight wrinkles at the edges of them. And his dimples were showing. I smiled fondly, remembering how he got those dimples when he laughed. Ellie didn't look so... serious. Or if she did look serious it was the kind of serious that said she was serious about Sean. She looked like she was almost laughing. Her eyes still had that intensity she always has in them when she's fired up about something. I noticed that intensity from the time she handed out yellow ribbons for donations for the soldiers. Or the time she collected toys for this orphanage downtown.

I don't feel that way anymore about Sean. I used to feel that way, last year, but this year has been different. I've changed. And I don't know if it's necessarily for the better. There's nothing wrong with paying more attention to how you look, but when that takes over your life and you spend all your time trying to look good to the popular crowd... well, that isn't what Emma Nelson is about. I missed trying to get everyone involved in the serious issues going on. I missed being known as "cause-girl". I don't want to be known as Sean's girlfriend anymore. I don't want that title. I want to be my own person. And I can't be my own person when I'm involved with a guy right now.

"Are you okay?" Sean placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. It was the comfort of a friend, not a boyfriend.

"I think I'm going to be. Sean, we need to talk..."

**Sean's POV**

Emma broke up with me. I don't know what I did wrong. She says I didn't do anything wrong, but I don't know... Maybe it was the fact that I wasn't always thinking about her. I have a lot of other things on my mind. But I'm comfortable with this decision. And she is too. And maybe this time we can be friends. It might be nice to be friends with her. Maybe I should try and make friends with someone else too.

**Ellie's POV**

"So Craig was definitely hiding something from me last night on the phone. I don't know what, but I'm going to find out. If he is even cheating on me again, I swear I'll-"

"Hey, Ash?" I warily shut my locker and turned around to face her. "Maybe you're just being paranoid?"

Ashley gave me a look of indignation and I expected her to storm off in a huff, but she just shrugged and crossed her arms, "Maybe I am."

Huh? Ashley actually admitting that she might be paranoid? That was a change! I smirked and nodded my head, "I think you are."

"Hey!" she swatted at my arm and giggled before waving to someone down the hall. "Well, Craig's here. Maybe I should ask him about it."

She started to walk away, but I stopped her. "Ash! Maybe we should do something this weekend. See a movie or go shopping or find a party or something!"

Ashley nodded and broke out into a big smile, "I'd like that, Elle. I'll see you in class!"

I watched her as she walked over to Craig and he greeted her with a kiss. She immediately forgot about her worries and started joking around with him. It was nice to see her happy for a change.

"Can we talk?"

Ohmigod. Someone was trying to torture me. Someone has got to be kidding me. Was Sean really standing right next to me asking me if we could talk? Didn't he realize I didn't want to talk to him anymore?

"Sure."

Aah! Why did I say that? I should have said no.

I followed him to an empty classroom and he sat in one of the desks. I sat in one of the desks too, but I made sure to keep my distance. Who knew what he'd try and pull. We were alone after all.

"I wanted to apologize for what I did at the party. It was stupid and wrong."

I just stared at him. Was that it? I had almost completely forgotten about the wild sex we had had at my party. Okay, I'm lying. I totally didn't forget about it. I mulled it over in my head every night lying in bed.

"And I really want to start over. As friends. We need to be friends. I don't want to lose your friendship."

And now he was asking to be friends with me?

"Okay."

God! What was wrong with me today? Was my mouth and brain not connected at all?

"Really?"

I nodded. I seriously wanted to shoot myself. Why was I just giving in so easily?

"That's great. I'm happy. So, maybe we can hang out this weekend? Final Elimination 4 is coming to the theatre on Friday."

"Sean?"

"Oh, wait, never mind. You ruined the entire movie by laughing throughout the entire thing. You were laughing while the girl died!"

"Sean, a bullet hit her, from what I saw, straight through the heart, and it took her twenty minutes to die. I timed it. Well, actually Marco timed it. But anyway, after twenty minutes of constant whining about how she'd never have sex with him again, how they'd never have children, how they'd never _run through the fields_ together again, she finally died."

"I found it to be pretty effective."

"Yeah, so did Jay. I could see a few tears sliding down his cheek by the end of the painful monologue."

Sean doubled over his desk in laughter and I couldn't help but laugh too. Were Sean and I actually attempting the impossible? Who knows, maybe this whole friendship thing with my ex will work out? Here's to hoping to does.

**Hope everyone enjoys this chapter. I tried to include another mention of Ellie's possible ED in this chapter to stay consistent. I think I'm going to keep Emma around a bit longer. She might pop up in a few other chapters and share her wisdom on a few things. Any other POV you wouldn't mind seeing? Craig, Paige, Jimmy, Spinner, Hazel, Jay, Alex, pick anyone you want. :)**


	8. Fine Again

**Chapter Eight: Fine Again**

**Alex's POV**

"Where's Sean?" I casually swiped a french fry through my ketchup and munched on it, bored out of my mind.

Jay shrugged and took a huge bite out of his grilled cheese sandwich, then proceeding to talk with his mouth full. Sick. Ah, but I love the man. "Last time I saw him he was talking with Miss Nash."

"Really?" I pushed my tray away and leaned forward. "Do you know about what?"

"I think him and that freak are going to try and be friends or something."

I glared at Jay for calling Ellie a freak and glanced around the lunchroom for any sight of the two. Oh, there they were. I took my sweater off of the chair next to me so either Ellie or Sean could sit in the seat. Ellie took the spot and gave me a small smile which I returned. She sent a glare to Jay and I squelched a smile at his expression.

"What's vampire doing sitting here?"

Ellie visibly stiffened and looked towards Sean expectantly. Sean leaned back in his chair and took his hat off. "She's sitting with us. What does it look like?"

"So are you guys, like, back together?" Jay lifted a corner of his mouth in disgust and I smacked him on the leg underneath the table. He gave me a confused look and thrust a handful of fries in his mouth.

"No," Ellie carefully opened her bottle of Dr. Pepper and took a little sip. "We're just friends."

"_Sure..._"

I rolled my eyes and focused on the tray in front of me. Why couldn't Jay just, for once, be civilized? He always had to act like a neanderthal. I felt his lips press against my cheek quickly and he gave me an affectionate squeeze on the knee. Well... he did decent things like that once in awhile. I threw him a smile before I turned my gaze to Sean, who was being unusually quiet today. Usually he was talking about the new CD coming out or some concert or something. "So, Sean... where's cause-girl today?"

I knew it was a sore subject to bring up with Ellie sitting at the table and everything, but I couldn't help myself. Lately him and Emma had been attached at the hips.

Sean coughed and shrugged, "We're over."

Ellie perked up in her seat and her grip on the bottle tightened. She hadn't known either.

"Why?" Jay laughed. "She was starting to look a _little_ hot."

"Shut up, man. I don't know. We're just not into each other like that anymore. Old news. You guys going to see Final Elimination Round Four this weekend?"

I smirked at his pathetic change in topic and stole a peek at Ellie's face. She looked completely surprised. And something else that I couldn't quite put a finger on.

**Jay's POV**

"So, what's going on with you and Ellie. Truthfully, man."

I adjusted my backpack on my shoulder and turned my head towards Sean. He shrugged and started walking faster. "Nothing. Friends. That's all."

"Oh, sure... You and Emma break up and all of a sudden Ellie is sitting with us again at lunch. Do you still like her?"

"I don't know. Just leave it alone, okay?"

"She's really not _that_ bad. I mean, she's pretty cute. I can give you that. And she has that whole image thing going for her. You know, a lot of people are afraid of her."

Sean laughed, "Why?"

"I don't know. I think it has something to do with the fact that she never smiles."

Sean laughed again and shook his head, "You really amaze me, Jay. You're so stupid sometimes I can't help but think-"

"Watch it, man," I warned. My attention turned towards a brunette throwing books into her locker. "Speaking of cute..." I pointed my finger towards Darcy, the new girl. She really wasn't that bad to look at.

Sean nodded in approval, "Yeah... She's damn fine. Isn't she interested in... ummm... Toby or something?"

"You've got to be kidding me. No way. Toby and that weird girl Kendra are going out again. I think she's single. And I think you're single. And you need a rebound girl."

"A rebound girl?"

I lifted my eyebrows and put a mischievous grin on my face. "You _definitely_ need a rebound girl."

"Darcy, right?" I leaned against the locker next to the new girl. She turned to face me in surprise and I didn't blame her. I usually didn't offer conversation to people I didn't know well.

Darcy gave me a toothy smile and nodded casually, "Darcy," she confirmed.

I played with the lock on the locker and sighed, "Listen. I'm going to get straight to the point. Do you know Sean Cameron?"

"I think I have a class or two with him."

"Yeah, I'm sure you do. Anyway, he just got over a messy break up. Broke his heart. He needs something to cheer him up."

"And you want _me_ to cheer him up?" She pointed towards herself and lifted her eyebrows.

"Actually, that's exactly what I want." Maybe this girl would be good for Sean. She obviously knew the way things worked around here. I always get what I want.

"That's hilarious." And she left.

What?! Did she actually walk away from me? She didn't even hear me out all the way. I pushed myself away from the locker and headed towards my next class. The bell rang. The class I was going to be late for. For the third day in a row. Well, my day wouldn't be complete without detention. I sauntered into Ms. Kwan's classroom and gave her a big, sarcastic smile. She was already filling out a detention slip. Some things never change.

**Sean's POV**

If I had to listen to Mr. Armstrong go on about equations for one more minute, I was going to shoot myself. Math has never been my strong subject. I hate it. I glanced at the clock, urging the minute hand to hurry up and just skip the next five minutes so the bell could ring and I could go home. Today was my only day off of work this week and I wanted to make use of it. A few hours of video games, an hour or two of television, some pizza, and a cold beer.

The bell rang and I shot out of my seat and shoved my way towards the door.

"Watch it!" a girl cried out as I pummeled into her.

"Sorry," I muttered and reached down to pick up her book. She did the same.

"Sean, right?"

"Yeah. And you're Darcy?" I already knew the answer, but it was the only thing I could think of to say.

"Yeah... Your friend Jay is pretty charming."

"Oh, him. What did he do?" Now she had me curious.

"Oh, just trying to hook us up."

I laughed and handed her the book from the floor. "That's Jay for you. Sorry about him."

She grinned and I couldn't help but notice how big her smile was. And how pretty. "No problem. I didn't really mind too much. I was just glad someone was talking to me!"

"What do you mean?"

We started walking down the hall together towards the front doors to the school. "Well, being the new girl, I don't know too many people around here."

"I'm surprised the guys haven't lined up..." Did I really just say that? I could feel a slight blush coming to my cheeks and I tried to calm down before I embarrassed myself even more.

Darcy didn't mind, though. She just laughed and jabbed me with her elbow. "Is that the best you can do?"

I chuckled and shrugged, "That's my one-liner. Take it or leave it."

"I think I'll take it."

Was she flirting with me? I looked at how she was smiling at me and felt my smile get bigger. Damn, this girl was pretty cute. Maybe Jay was right. Maybe I needed to get to know her, have fun with someone, forget about the drama with Emma and Ellie. Ellie was moving on, right? So was Emma. So why shouldn't I?

**Paige's POV**

"Is it me or has Degrassi been dullsville lately?" I settled myself into the seat next to Ashley and gave a pointed look at Ellie who was flipping through a magazine across from me. "What are you reading, hon? Vampire Monthly?"

Ellie sneered and showed me the cover of the magazine. _Rolling Stone_. Figures. I turned my attention back to Ashley and leaned my elbows on the table. "But I do know a little piece of juicy gossip..."

Ashley looked at me expectantly, "Well?"

"Word is, Sean is dating that new girl Darcy."

I glanced at Ellie from the corner of my eyes and saw that her eyes had widened after hearing the news. I didn't feel real satisfaction however. I almost felt bad for the girl. First her and Sean had been some sort of super couple, then he broke up with her and immediately went out with Emma, now him and Emma _just _broke up a week ago and him and Ellie _just_ became friends again and he was already out on the rebound! Thank God I have Spinner. He would never think of doing anything to hurt me.

Ashley's mouth fell open and she brought a hand to her lips, "Are you kidding me? Since when?"

"I just found out yesterday. I saw them at the Dot together. _All _over each other. It was almost disgusting," I flipped my blond hair behind my shoulder and pursed my lips.

"Sean and Darcy?" Hazel sat down next to Ellie and leaned back in the chair. I nodded and she nodded her head in agreement. "Pretty gross. Feeding each other fries. Dis-gus-ting!"

I laughed and started to doodle on my notebook with a pen. "I thought that was your and Sean's move, Ellie. Feeding each other, that is."

Ellie looked away and then back at me quickly, "I don't know what you're talking about." She was _so_ lying.

"Well, you and Sean talk on the phone, right? Did he mention anything?" Ashley asked.

Ellie shook her head, "No. It's not like we talk every night. We just... had small talk a few times over the phone. That was all. Nothing personal. Anyway, I'm not Sean's keeper. He can do whatever he wants."

"We never said he couldn't," I laughed. I sighed and filled in the heart I drew in my notebook. "Whatever, I'm sure those two will be over before the weekend comes. Sean's been going through girls like socks lately."

All four of us laughed, although I could tell Ellie's was a little forced. I took one last look at her before I adverted my attention to the front of the class. She didn't _look_ too upset over it. But she was good at hiding her feelings. I looked down at her arm warmers. Are her feelings the only thing she's hiding?

**Ellie's POV**

Sean definitely left out a few things during out last phone conversation. It's true- we've been talking every night on the phone. But not serious "boyfriend/girlfriend" talk, just friendly talk. Like how school is going, the cute things Dolce and Gabbana have been doing, and whether or not I need to help him study for his history test coming up. Why didn't he mention the fact that he's going out with Darcy?

Okay, I'm not going to go all psycho bitch. I don't even really know the girl. I do know she came to a Grapevine meeting when she first moved here and she turned in a story about a girls' basketball game, but that's about it. I must say, her basketball article had quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes in it... But anyway, _why_ didn't he mention her? Am I the last person to know?

The telephone rang and I grabbed it before my mom could. "I got it!" I called out in case she was still heading for the phone. I listened for her to say something back, but she didn't. Whatever.

"Hello?" I called into the phone. My clock read 7:30. It was Sean.

"Hey."

I was right. "What's up?" I settled back into the pillows on my bed and got ready for the upcoming conversation.

He sighed and I could hear him open his refrigerator. "Not much. I'm hungry."

"As always."

"Yeah... You?"

"I was just reading a book."

"What book?"

"_The Poisonwood Bible_."

"There's a Poisonwood religion? I didn't know you were Poisonwood."

Was he kidding me? "Are you kidding?" I asked incredulously.

He didn't say anything back and I laughed. "There's no Poisonwood religion. It's just... never mind. You'd have to read it. Which wouldn't be a bad idea. I could let you borrow it after I'm finished..."

"Nah. I'm busy reading... uh..."

"_Riiiight..._" I smirked and inspected my nails. "So... I heard something interesting from Paige today."

"You talked to Paige?"

"Well, more like overheard. When were you going to tell me that you and Darcy were going out?" I can't believe I spit it out like that. My words had come out in one jumbling heap and I cringed at how jealous I sounded. I'm not even jealous. I mean, I need to move on.

Sean paused and then let out a long sigh. "I didn't want you to hear from someone else. It just sort of... happened one day. It's just a nice change, you know? Something new."

I nodded, "I know what you mean. We both need something new. I'm totally bored with my life I could just cry."

Sean laughed, "I hope you're not serious. There's nothing boring about you, Nash."

"Liar."

"Ugh, I have to do this damn paper tonight for English-"

"English?" I sat up in my bed. "Do you need help?"

"Well... if you wanted to lend me your genius, I wouldn't mind the extra advice."

"I'll be there in a few minutes."

Sean laughed, "Okay, see you."

I hung up and grabbed my purse and coat. I could stick around in my house while my mom worked all night, bitched about my dad being gone, and tried to keep from going to the liquor store, or I could spend time with a friend and help him with homework. Wow, the two didn't even compare.

"Mom, I'm going to Sean's for a little bit." She didn't even look up from the kitchen table. She was too busy looking through papers. "Mom?" I tried again.

She waved her hand at me, gesturing that I shouldn't bother her. Then she grabbed her cell phone and started dialing a number. So much for a mushy mother-daughter goodbye scene. I walked out the door and started running.

I knocked on Sean's door, wondering if I should have just walked right on in. No, I couldn't do that. That was a girlfriend privilege. I wasn't his girlfriend anymore. I had to knock. Sean threw open the door and gave a huge sigh of relief. "My savior!"

I laughed and stepped on into the apartment. "Is it that bad?"

"I could be up all night working on this paper."

"Well, then I guess we'll both be up all night."

Sean smiled at me and dragged me into the living room, thrusting his notebook in front of my face. "This is all you have?" I asked disappointingly. There was nothing of substance here. Just a bunch of random notes. Nothing went together, nothing made sense.

"I know... horrible, huh? I warned you a long time ago that English wasn't my strongest subject."

"So what is it even over?"

"We had to pick a book and read it and now we have to write a thesis paper about it."

"And you read..."

"_Of Mice and Men_." He held up the book as proof that he had at least looked at the cover.

I nodded my approval and took the book from him, flipping through the pages absently. "Good book. Should be easy. Now, let's just start with a simple character analysis..."

Five hours later, Sean and I had come up with an amazing paper to hand into Ms. Kwan. I watched as Sean printed the sheets of paper out and I gathered them from the printer and stapled them together. "Ms. Kwan is going to be thrilled when she reads this. The best thing is you didn't really need a lot of help from me."

Sean scratched the back of his head and shrugged one shoulder, "Well... I needed help on getting started. You helped me figure out the big picture and I just worked in a few details. Thanks, Ellie. Really, I appreciate it."

I lifted the corner of my mouth in a smile. "Anytime. I was just glad to get away from my house."

"What's going on? Is your mom drinking again?" Sean took one of my hands and held it for a few moments before letting it go.

I stared at my hand. "No. I don't think so. It's just that my dad is still in China, my mom's working really hard, trying to stay sober, she misses my dad... we've just been arguing a lot lately." I didn't go into the nasty details of our arguments. Her yelling at me because I got a 99 on my latest paper and not a 100. Or because I had come home an hour late from Marco's. Or because the cats had gotten into some of her plants. It seems like lately she yells at me for everything. Everything is _my _fault. Nothing I do is ever right. But this is how it's always been. I'll always be striving to be perfect and I'll never live up to my parents' standards.

"She's not... is she?" Sean couldn't even muster out the words.

I thought back to the day when she had thrown a coffee mug in my direction. She didn't intentionally try to hit me with it, but she wanted to scare me. It worked. I had quickly cleaned the entire house from top to bottom without another argument. Could he sense that something had happened? "No, she'd never lay a hand on me."

Was that true?

Sean glanced at the floor and then back at me, "But if she ever does, you come to me, okay? I don't want you staying there. You can stay with me. Things didn't work out for us, but we can still be friends. We've been doing fine as friends."

"I know. We're fine again."

"Exactly."

I looked at the clock and noticed it had just turned two in the morning. No way did I want to walk all the way home this late. Maybe I could just... "Sean? Is it okay if I crash here tonight?"

Sean checked the clock and nodded. "Yeah. No way do I want you walking this late. You can have my bed if you want."

"No, I can take the couch."

"Seriously, you can have my bed. I don't mind. I want you to be comfortable."

I mulled over whether I should take his bed or not. He didn't seem like he was going to give in anytime soon and I was starting to become really tired. "Well... okay. Thanks."

Sean gave me an old pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt to wear to bed and I quickly changed into them before getting under the covers. Before I felt like I'd barely be able to keep my eyes open. Now, laying in the dark in Sean's bed, I felt wide awake. I tossed and turned for probably an hour before I gave up and walked into the living room.

"Sean?" I whispered, shaking his arm a little.

His eyes immediately shot open and looked at me. I sat back on my heels and bit my lip. Should I even ask him? "Will you... you know...?"

Sean nodded slightly and got up off of the couch and followed me into the bedroom. The entire night was completely innocent. Sean and I just slept. In the same bed. But we did nothing. We just slept. I was right. We were fine again.

**I'm not sure if I kept Sean completely in character this chapter, but oh wells! I can do whatever I want. Sorry to disappoint you guys, but Sean and Ellie sleeping in the bed this chapter probably will mean nothing. Sean is still going to go back to Darcy. Ellie will be dealing with her own problems. I'm trying ot think of a way to incorporate Jimmy and Craig's POV since you guys mentioned hearing about them. If you guys have anymore suggestions, I'm always open! :)**


	9. Hey Jealousy

**Chapter 9: Hey Jealousy**

**Ellie's POV**

I woke up the next morning to Sean's alarm clock. Ugh. It was 6am and I was about to walk home, about to _function_, on three hours of sleep. I should have never fallen asleep last night. I should have just stayed up. At least it would be easier than to have to get out of Sean's incredibly warm bed. All I wanted to do was snuggle deeper into the covers and have Sean wrap his arms around me and...

No. That isn't what I wanted. Because Sean and I are just friends now. I don't have any feelings for him beyond friendship.

But why is he dating so soon? Two relationships in about three weeks is not healthy. But if Sean could just get over me and our relationship that easy, than maybe I could too. I could find my own rebound guy. Ashley and I were going to find a party this weekend, right? We might as well go up to the college and look around at the frats. This time, I won't be wasting my life away with some immature, high school boy. This time, I'm going to find myself a _real_ man and have a little fun.

"Marco!" I jogged to catch up with Marco and slowed down to a speedy walk.

"Hey Ellie. I tried calling you last night. You didn't answer."

"Oh, well, I was at Sean's all night."

"WHAT?" Marco stopped in his tracks and stared at me, his mouth wide open.

I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear and rolled my eyes, "Relax. It was completely innocent. I helped him with an English paper."

"Maybe you should be helping _me_ with my English paper. I have no idea what to write about this time. No idea at all. Anyways, besides the point... So, it was innocent?" Marco wiggled his eyebrows and I laughed at his stupidity.

"Completely. I'm moving on to bigger and better things now. Men. Not boys." I tossed Marco a smirk and opened the door to the school for him. He accepted the gesture and I followed him to his locker.

"Men. Wow. Ellie, I don't know if that's such a good idea."

"And why not? College guys are hot."

"That's exactly why. It's just not you. I could see someone like _Paige _going after a college guy, but you?"

I could feel my cheeks getting slightly red and I leaned my shoulder against a locker. "So, how come girls like Paige can go after older guys and I'm expected to be alone?"

"I never said you had to be alone. You can find someone here."

"There is no one here that I would even consider dating. Except for you, of course."

Marco laughed, "Thanks. Maybe we should. I'm not having any luck with guys."

"We'll find a guy for you. You should come partying with me and Ashley. We'll find you a hottie and we can both get some action."

"I don't know..."

"Marco! Come on. It'll be fun."

Marco sighed, "But I just got over Dylan and maybe going out with someone right away isn't the best thing." He gave me a pointed look which I chose to ignore.

"You're coming and that's final. We're going to have a great time and you know I'm always right."

Marco chuckled, "And that is why I love you, Miss Nash."

"Love you, too." I checked my watch. "I have to go work on the Grapevine before class, though. I'll catch you later."

I started off towards the Grapevine office, making a mental note to tell Ashley that Marco would be coming with us this weekend. Turning the corner, I caught the sight of Darcy entering the Grapevine office too. What was she doing there?

I opened and closed the door behind me quietly. Students were working diligently to get their final drafts into me and Liberty for the edition coming out the next day. "Hey Liberty." I took a seat at my little desk and started to pull out my article.

"Good morning, Ellie. I trust that you finished your article?"

"Yes, Liberty," I droned. Did she honestly think that I would forget about it? I had spent an incredible amount of time on this editorial piece all week. "I wrote my opinion on..."

"Oh, right. You wrote an editorial this time. Well, our editorial page is full as of now, Ellie. You should have turned it in earlier."

"Full? Since when? We always have three editorials each edition. Ben and Jessica turned theirs in last week."

"Well, if you had just come in two minutes earlier, your piece would still be in the paper. Darcy wrote an editorial this week and she just turned it in a few minutes ago."

I clenched my fists and shoved them under my legs before I decked Liberty across her face. "I _always_ have an editorial in the paper. It's my _job_. You're going to give the spot to a novice just because she turned it in one minute before mine? Have you even read it?"

"It'll be nice to see a new opinion around here. I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing the same things over and over again."

Who did Liberty think she was? I always came up with new and refreshing topics. I never recycled stories. I was co-editor of the paper so my opinion should matter just as much, if not more, as Darcy's.

"Liberty, I really think you should reconsider what you're doing. It's not fair to me or..."

"Would it be fair to Darcy to trash her piece just because someone whose opinion is _always_ viewed threw a temper tantrum? I don't think so. Sorry, Ellie, but this is how it's going to happen this time."

I sat back in my seat and watched in amazement as Liberty got up from her seat and walked over to Darcy. Darcy showed Liberty a picture someone had submitted to the paper and they both laughed. Now I get it. They're friends. How cute. I grabbed my backpack and stormed out of the room. Who needed the newspaper anyway?

**Sean's POV**

"Woah. Where's the fire?" I wanted to smack myself in the forehead for making such a cheesy remark to Ellie, but it just happened.

She crossed her arms and stared at me for a minute before relaxing. "Nothing... just newspaper problems..."

"Really? Did you see Darcy in there? She was writing something for the Grapevine the other night."

"Yeah, we got it. I wouldn't be surprised if it got front page."

I could sense a hint of sarcasm in her voice, but I chose to ignore it. "Really? I never thought an article about whether or not the cafeteria should offer strawberry milk was front page-worthy."

Ellie's mouth fell open, but she quickly closed it. "Well, we were hard up for news."

I laughed and followed her as she started to walk down the hallway. "Thanks again for helping me last night. I don't think I would have slept at all if it weren't for you. Not to mention, my paper would be complete shit without you." I nudged her arm affectionately with mine and she gave me a one-sided smile.

"Well, you know me. Always doing things for other people."

"Are you sure you're okay? You look sort of pissed off."

"I'm just tired. Stressed out. The usual."

"Yeah, I know how you feel. I have to come up with an idea for my final project in shop. It has to be something pretty big, but I have no idea what to do. Any ideas?"

"You're asking me? I know nothing about cars, except for the fact that no one thinks I should ever be allowed to drive one. An opinion I completely disagree with."

"Yeah, but who else gets in a wreck during their driving test?"

"It wasn't even a wreck! It was a tiny scratch."

"If you call a six-car pileup a tiny scratch..." I teased. She knew I was exaggerating the scrape she had gotten into.

Ellie stopped outside of a classroom, "This is my stop. I'll try and think of a project you can do. Bye."

I lifted my hand in a wave and started off towards my shop class.

"Sean!" I turned around to Darcy's voice and waited for her to catch up.

She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and wrapped her hand in mine. "Are you doing anything tonight? I thought you could come over for dinner."

"Dinner? Really?" I swallowed hard and thought about the time I had dinner with Emma's parents. That had been a disaster. And then having dinner with Ellie's dad. That had been terrible. I don't know if I can handle dinners with parents. Especially considering Darcy and I haven't been dating that long. "I don't know. I'm not good with parents."

"Oh, come on. It'll be harmless. At least come and meet them next time we go out. They really want to meet you."

"Well... okay. We're still going to the movies tonight, right?"

"Of course. Oh, wear pants that actually fit you, too." She gestured towards my baggy jeans and gave me a little smile.

I looked down at my jeans and shook my head as I entered shop. What was wrong with my wardrobe?

"Cameron, how's the chick?"

"She's fine, Jay. How's Alex?"

"Pissed. I forgot our anniversary. Who celebrates anniversaries anyway?"

I shook my head in amazement at his blase attitude and sat at my workstation. Great, so tonight I'd have to worry about impressing Darcy's parents. I didn't even have any idea what they were like. At least with Emma I knew Mr. Simpson ahead of time. And Ellie talked about her dad all the time. I felt like I knew him like the back of my hand. What was I supposed to wear? Should I bring flowers? Should I... Screw thinking about it. I'll just ask Ellie.

**Jay's POV**

"Too bad your girlfriend has lunch 5th period. I was hoping I could watch you guys play kissy face while I eat." I shoved a chicken nugget in my mouth and smiled at Alex. She'd appreciate my sarcasm.

She didn't. She was still mad. Great, now I'd have to try and make it up to her somehow. Sean just acted like he didn't hear me. Why did he always have to get so touchy-feely about his latest flavor of the month? Or should I say week?

Alex took her tray and stood up, "I'm not really hungry. I think I'll go study." And then she left.

Sean whistled and scratched his head, "I think she's a little more than just pissed. Since when does Alex study during lunch?"

"I think Ellie rubbed off on her."

"Good news for her then." I looked over as Ellie sat down at the table between Sean and me. "Jay, number one rule of dating- don't _ever _forget anniversaries. And now you have some serious making up to do."

"Don't remind me, vampire."

"You're such a delinquent."

Sean laughed at her remark and shrugged when I threw him a nasty look. "What? It was funny."

"Yeah, a read side-splitter."

Sean took a swig of his Mountain Dew and nudged Ellie with his elbow. "I need advice. Darcy wants me to meet her parents before we go out tonight."

I watched as Ellie's hand under the table clenched and unclenched. Someone was jealous. Not that she'd ever show it to Sean, but I could tell. For being so hopelessly lost when it comes to Alex, I can sure understand other girls.

"Well, what do you need advice for?" How could she do this? Actually give him advice on his relationship with another girl when they just broke up? I don't know any other girl who could be as calm and collected as Ellie is right now. Then again, I'm pretty sure it's just a mask. Girls like Ellie hide their feelings from everyone else. Kind of like me. So I knew what she was really feeling. Hurt, rejected, hopeless. Ugh, all of a sudden I'm starting to sound like an episode of Dr. Phil.

"What should I wear? Should I take flowers for her mom? How should I act? We just started going out and she already wants me to meet her parents. It's stupid, but I really want to impress him. I think I could really see myself with Darcy for a long time." Sean ran a hand through his hair, oblivious to the fact that Ellie was staring at him as if he had just ripped out her heart. Was he an idiot? You don't ask your ex-girlfriend advice on your newest chick. It just doesn't work that way. Even Jay Hogart knows that.

Ellie twisted her water bottle in between her hands and stared at it biting her lip. "Um, I guess wear something sort of nice. But nothing too extreme. You don't want to look like you're trying too hard. Maybe your khakis and a polo?"

"I don't own a polo."

"Yeah, that's right. Well, your khakis and, ooh, your navy blue shirt. That will look fine. And you don't have to take flowers. Save that for when they invite you over for dinner or something."

"Thanks, Ellie. You're really good at his stuff."

"Yeah, I guess I am."

I chewed on a handful of Cheetos and thought about the advice Ellie had just given Sean. It was good advice. I guess. I don't know. I'm not the pro on that sort of stuff. If she could help Sean with his problem, though, then maybe she could help me out with mine.

"Okay, freak, since you're so good at this stuff. How do I make up with Alex?"

"First of all, don't smile at her with Cheeto teeth. Then, _you_ need to get her flowers. Next, I suggest something personal or intimate... maybe something homeade? Something with sentimental value to it."

"Yeah... and that would be?" Did she think I was the sort of guy that went for sentimental value? Was Alex that kind of girl."You know Alex, right? Tough girl who doesn't take shit from anybody?"

Ellie smirked and leaned forward, "Yeah, I know her. But every girl has a soft spot for romance." She leaned back in her chair and thought hard for a moment. "Now that I think about it... the yearbook photographers took a great picture of you and Alex a few weeks ago. It's a candid. Totally cute moment caught on film. So, if you want, I _guess_ I could get a copy of it in black and white. Then I suggest you buy a blank wood picture frame and decorate it. Yeah, paint it and decorate it and then you can give that to her."

"You're getting way to into this. But, I must admit, the idea sounds... nice... although a tad cheesy."

"Well, you have to be a 'tad cheesy' when you forget an important event such as this one. Meet me after school and we'll go and pick out a frame. And you can give me a ride home!"

"I love how you just weezled a ride home out of me. Meet me on the steps. Do you enjoy meddling into other peoples' love lives?"

Ellie shrugged and stood up, "When you have no love life of your own, you find ways to compensate."

"Aw, poor Ellie has no boyfriend. What will she do?" I teased.

"Oh believe me, I'm going to have fun playing the field. The guys at University better watch out." She sauntered away with a casual wave.

I shook my head and turned my attention back to Sean to discuss the advice she had given me. Sean stared after Ellie for awhile before turning back to me. "What did she mean by that?"

"By what?"

"By the University guys watching out? What is that supposed to mean?"

"I think it means she's moving on to older guys. Sorry, Sean." I could tell he was getting worried. I think he secretly enjoys having her around even though they aren't officially a couple.

Sean scrunched his forehead, "Why would I care? I have Darcy. I don't like Ellie like that anymore."

_ Sure_.

**Sean's POV**

"Hey man. What's up?" I sauntered up to Jay outside of school.

"Waiting."

"Want to give me a ride home? I have today off of work."

"I would but I'm going to the craft store with vampire, remember? I can't believe she's dragging me there. I feel so queer."

I shrugged casually, "I can tag along. It won't take long, right?"

"Yeah, I guess not. There she is. Could she be any slower?"

I turned my attention to the doors of the school and saw Ellie walking out with Marco and Ashley. She lifted a hand up to her forehead and squinted her eyes as she looked down the stairs. She nodded when she saw me and Sean and squeezed Marco's hand goodbye. "Hey, I got the picture."

She handed the picture over to Jay and I looked at it over his shoulder. I have to admit- the picture _was_ a good idea. Ellie must have had it blown up to a larger size. Jay smiled at the picture and murmured a "thanks". I shook my head smiling. He was completely taken by Alex.

"Craig blew it up to a bigger size. I think it's a great picture. I like pictures where the subjects don't know they're being studied. Even you, Jay, look semi-sincere in this picture. What an accomplishment."

"Shut up."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

I smiled at Ellie and she made a face towards Jay to me. I laughed to myself as we walked towards Jay's car. I didn't want to admit it, but I was mostly going with them to make sure Jay didn't try anything with her. I know Jay is completely devoted to Alex, but even he has his moments. I just didn't want to take any chances.

"I like this frame. And I think you should paint it this silver color. And, look, you can add these pearls to it! And these sequins. Oh, and I think you should glue this ribbon around the edges. It'll look killer." Ellie threw a stack of items into Jay's basket without even letting him see.

"Wow, and I thought this was supposed to be something personal. I'll make sure I tell her it's from you."

"Yeah, she'll _really_ forgive you if you do that."

Jay shoved his basket into Ellie's side playfully and she stumbled into the nearby shelves. "Hey!"

"You deserved it."

I rolled my eyes for the tenth time that day. We'd only been there for fifteen minutes, but so far I've had to endure Ellie and Jay playfully making fun of each other, blatantly flirting with each other, him constantly shoving her, _touching_ her. I gave him a glare every time he looked towards my way, but he still wasn't getting the point. Or if he was, he didn't care.

"You could always take up crocheting and make her a scarf of something," Ellie pointed towards a group of shelves filled with yarn.

"Yeah, and while I'm at it I'll take up candle making. You've got to be kidding me, Nash."

"I was being sarcastic, _Hogart_."

Now she was calling him by his last name? What was next- pet names? I cringed at the thought of Jay called her "Ells" and Ellie calling him "Hogey" or something as stupid as that. Weren't they here for Alex? So why were they flirting with each other? Or maybe I was just being overly sensitive to the fact that my best friend and my ex-girlfriend were starting to get along... in a demented sort of way.

"Not to cut it short or anything, but I need to get home and get ready for my date," I interjected as soon as I saw Jay going to squeeze Ellie's sides again in hopes to make her jump as she had the three other times he had done it.

Ellie stared at the basket she was now carrying and nodded, "We have everything. Jay do you need help doing this?"

"Yeah, you can come over, I guess."

I shoved myself in between them. "Or you guys can do it at my house while I get ready and that way you can give me a ride to Darcy's. It's on the way to Ellie's house. Who you will be taking home when you leave my house."

"Yes. I _will _be taking her home. Okay, we'll do it at your place. My house sucks anyway." Jay started towards the cash register, but Ellie stayed behind with me.

"Sean, are you okay? You seem... weirded out."

I wrapped an arm around her narrow shoulders and squeezed, "No, I'm fine. Really. Just nervous about my date."

The date was the last thing on my mind.

**So I finally updated! Sorry for the wait. I had soooo much stuff to do and then I had break and yeah... Well, updates should be regular from now on. Look for April Child to be updated tomorrow. As always, reviews and ideas are always welcome. For the next chapter look forward to Sean's date with Darcy... Ellie's quest for a real man at University... and who knows what else. **


	10. No Regrets

**Chapter 10: No Regrets**

**Ellie's POV**

"Not to be nosy or whatever, but shouldn't you be getting ready for your _date_?" I let out the word "date" in a biting tone. Would I ever learn to hold my tongue?

Sean was leaning over my shoulder between Jay and I as we glued our materials onto the photo frame. It's not that I minded him being there, but it was just making the whole situation uncomfortable. Me. Him. Just friends. That's how I want it, I swear, but it still will take a little bit to get used to. I'm not used to me and him being in close proximity to each other without making out. A light blush spread over my cheeks as I thought of the serious make-out sessions Sean and I had shared over the course of our relationship.

Sean shifted and his arm brushed against my shoulder. Dear. God. Why did that have to happen? "I guess. Are you finished Jay?"

"Does it look like I'm finished, _dad_?" Jay muttered as he put a dot of super glue on the back of a sequin.

Sean just kind of stayed in between us before giving a sigh and retreating to his bedroom. I glanced and Jay and we both laughed huskily at how annoyed he had sounded. Jay reached for the scissors across the table and his hand brushed against mine.

I felt nothing.

For all the little "flirting" Jay and I had done all day, there was absolutely no chemistry between us. At least not romantic chemistry. I could feel the start of a friendship chemistry. I could see Jay and I sharing sarcastic comments or making fun of Heather Sinclaire or Paige together, but never becoming romantically involved. The thought hadn't crossed my mind. He is with Alex, after all. But the way Sean had been acting today, it seems the thought had surely crossed his mind. That must be why he was staying so close to us.

"Are you sure this looks fine?"

Sean re-entered the living room area and I turned around in my chair to get a good look at him. Yes, he looked fine. He looked great. Handsome. Sophisticated. Not so... gangsterish? His hair was shaggy and messy, as usual, and he still slouched, even in his khakis and shirt, but he looked like he would make a good first impression with Darcy's parents. That thought made my heart sink.

"You look great," I offered. "I hope you and Darcy have a good time." I hope I sounded convincing. I don't think I did. Please God, let me have sounded convincing. I don't want to play the role of the jealous ex-girlfriend. Because I'm _not_. I don't need Sean. I don't need anyone. Except maybe a hot college guy to pass the time with. To make Sean jealous with... Woah, woah, woah! Did I seriously just think that? That is not what I meant.

"Hey, I didn't think you were a space cadet. _Come on_."

I came out of my reverie when I felt Jay elbow me in shoulder. I shook my head and noticed that he had put the picture into the frame and was ready to go. Sean had put on a zip-up hoodie and was slipping his wallet into his pocket. I slipped my own hoodie on over my shoulders and followed the two boys out of the apartment.

**Jay's POV**

I looked over at Ellie with her head leaning against the car window and tapped my fingers against the steering wheel. We had just dropped Sean off at Darcy's and I couldn't help but notice the event had put a damper on Ellie's mood. A serious damper.

"Hey, vampire. You okay?" I wasn't really concerned, but the tension was thick in the air and I'm not one for weird situations.

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine?" Someone sounded a bit defensive. She pushed her hair back behind her ears and leaned back in her seat.

"I don't know. You just seemed a bit _abrasive_ when we dropped Sean off. Hardly convincing, if you ask me."

She crossed her arms, "Well, no one was asking you. And since when do you use words like _abrasive_?"

I shrugged and drummed to the beat of the AC/DC song playing in the background. "Since you started throwing big, three-syllable words around in my presence. You know, it's okay if you still have feelings for Sean. It's not like anyone expects you to get over him so easy."

She laughed drily as I pulled into her driveway. "Listen, no one expects me to be over Sean, but it's okay for Sean to be going on his second relationship since me. It's okay for him to get over me so easily. It's _expected_. Well, I'm not going to wait around for him. I'm not going to sit around while he has all the fun. I've stayed in the background for far too long and, personally, I'm sick of everyone pitying me. Everyone telling me I'm not good enough. _Sean_ should be the one obsessing over _me_. I was way too goddamn good for him anyway."

Woah. I didn't realize I'd be getting a monologue from her. It's like she revealed her deepest emotions to me. Me, Jay Hogart, not used to this. No way. Alex likes to express her feelings through a fist or other activities. I'm not used to girls opening up to me and actually saying stuff. So, how do I deal with this? Am I supposed to be sensitive and nod and agree or am I supposed to tell her to get over it and drive away?

She gathered her backpack and purse from the car and threw a quick "thanks" to me before slamming the door shut. I watched as her figure entered through the door and then disappeared behind it. Yeah, she was _so_ over Sean. I laughed too myself and turned the music up. Sometimes girls could be so transparent.

**Sean's POV**

I licked my lips again and then rubbed my sweaty palms on the knees of my pants. What was taking Darcy so long? Wasn't she supposed to be waiting for me? I glanced up at the stairs for the tenth time in five minutes and then back at her parents. They smiled widely at me, but I could tell they weren't pleased. I looked around the house at the framed pictures, the vase of fresh flowers, the candy dish on the coffee table. Before I knew what I was doing, I saw my hand reach out and grab a huge handful of M&Ms before promptly shoving them in my mouth. Damn. Now I was going to have a chocolate mouth.

I wiped a hand across my sweaty forehead and let out a quiet sigh. _Come on, Darcy. Come on, Darcy. Hurry up!_ I cursed her for taking so long. She better look worth the wait. There was no way I was waiting this long for a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I thought back to my first date with Ellie. That had been a disaster. Mainly because she had dragged her gay best friend along. Like I wanted to get things on with Ellie while Marco was sitting there. That would have been too weird. But she did look beautiful. She smelled wonderful, too. Like roses. I remembered the smell of her perfume as she sat so close to me in the theatre. I just wanted to reach out and grab her hand but she was too busy yucking it up with the fag next to her.

"Sean?" My head shot up and I widened my eyes towards Darcy's parents.

"You were falling asleep," Darcy's mom explained. Did she just roll her eyes slightly?

From now on, every time I see someone roll their eyes, I will automatically think of Ellie. I smiled at the image in my head. Her rolling her eyes and then making some scathing remark towards something she thought was wrong or unfair.

"Okay, I'm ready!" Darcy chirped as she bounded down the stairs. I smiled. She really was cute. She was different from every other girl I had dated. Emma had been too serious. Amy had just been a slut. Ellie had been... well, I can't even compare her to Ellie.

"So you met my parents?"

"Yeah, I met them." _And they're a pair of snobs. _I took her hand and gave a quick smile at her parents before heading out the door with her.

As soon as we left the house, Darcy turned to me and gave me a weird look. "You could have been more polite to my parents, you know."

"What?" Was she serious? How did she know how I had acted? She was upstairs putting on her jeans and sweater. What the hell had taken her so long?

"I can tell they were a bit... put off."

"Well, maybe that wasn't my fault."

Darcy shrugged and grabbed my hand. "You're right. Who cares. I'm starving!"

We walked towards The Dot and grabbed a booth close to the back. I saw Spinner working behind the counter and I gave a small wave to him. He watched Darcy and I with interest before coming over to take our orders.

"I'll have a gardenburger. And fries. And a coke. You?"

Darcy studied the menu and then shut it. "A fish sandwhich and fries. Oh, and a... coke, also."

Spinner nodded and went into the kitchen to place the orders. I turned my attention back to Darcy. "So..."

"So..."

"Did I tell you what happened between Jay and Alex?"

"No, what happened?"

"Jay forgot their anniversary. Alex got pissed. So Jay, Ellie, and I went after school to get her a present. Jay actually made her a picture frame and put a picture of-..."

"Lame. Who gets upset over a missed anniversary? How long have they been dating? A couple of months? I think people place way too much importance on an anniversary. And, if he really wants her to forgive him, he should have bought her something. Not make her some lame frame for some lame picture."

I wrinkled my brow and played with the salt and pepper shakers to my left. "Well... the idea didn't seem lame before."

"Well, it was."

Wow. At least she was honest. She spoke her mind. Kind of like Ellie.

Spinner appeared with our orders and I gave a silent thank-you. At least now I wouldn't have to keep up a conversation the entire time. I couldn't wait to get to the movies so we could just make out in the dark. On second thought, what was the point of wasting money on a movie we weren't going to watch?

"Hey, do you just want to go back to my place and watch a movie? Cuddle on the couch?" Ugh. I just used the word cuddle. But if it meant I'd be getting past first base with her then it was worth it.

Darcy chewed on a fry. "Sure. Not like we'll be watching much of the movie anyway." She gave me a smile and I smiled back. Now this is what I'm talking about.

I ran my hands along the back of Darcy's sweater until I reached the hem. How far would she let me go? I reached under her sweater and rubbed my hands up and down her smooth back. Okay, so far, so good. Now if I could just get her bra undone. There. She didn't make a single protest. I moaned as she pushed me down on the couch. Clearly, she wanted things to go further. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and concentrated on being with her at that moment.

_I trailed a series of kisses from Ellie's mouth to her neck, lightly biting on her skin. She laughed and murmured that it tickled. Her words into my ear was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard. She wrapped her arms tightly around my neck and pulled herself closer to me. We had gone out on three dates now. The disastrous movie fiasco, out to dinner one night, and just tonight we had gone to the video arcade and then a café for coffee. Now we were back at my place, Tracker was out with friends, and the lights were dim. In short, the perfect romantic setup. My grip on Ellie's waist tightened and I slightly raised her off of the couch and repositioned her so she was sitting in my lap. My hands slid down and I rested them on her thighs. Why did she have to decide to wear jeans on this date? Why couldn't she be wearing one of her normal skirts right now? I just wanted to feel every inch of her skin against mine. But, as if she had foreseen the night's events, she had dressed to mock my intentions. Jeans and layers and layers of tops. I moaned as she slipped her tongue into my mouth and closed my fingers tighter around her legs. She was seriously killing me._

_Her hands slid from around my neck to my shoulders, her fingers lightly massaging me. Have I ever felt this way about a girl before? The closest thing would have to be Emma, but even she and I didn't have this much chemistry. And I had known her for a quite awhile before we had started dating. I had just encountered the force that is Ellie Nash. And already she was wreaking havoc on me. _

_Ellie whimpered against my mouth and pulled me closer to her by my neck. I think a piece of me died right there. That's the effect that one little whimper had on me. Imagine what would happen if we..._

"I'm ready."

I opened my eyes and looked at Darcy on top of me. Ready? Ready for what? "Huh?"

Darcy smiled and reached to pull her sweater over her head. And I stopped her. "No!" I shouted and shot out from underneath her. "Keep it on!" What was I doing? Here, this girl was _offering_ herself to me. _Wanting_ me. And I was telling her no. What kind of guy am I? Who tells a girl he doesn't want to have sex with her. But every time I tried to imagine having sex with her, a certain redhead's face kept popping up in my mind. This really isn't good.

**Ellie's POV**

"So, how do I look?" I turned around so Ashley could have a better view of my outfit for the frat party: a sheer long-sleeved shirt, an Andy Warhol "Banana" shirt, a light blue corduroy mini, sheer tights, and stiletto ankle boots.

Ashley's mouth dropped open and she smiled, "If I weren't straight, I'd jump you right now. Could that skirt get any shorter?"

"It's not too short, is it?" I asked worried. I tugged on the micro-mini a bit, but it stayed where it was.

"No, no, no! I think it looks awesome. The guys will be drooling. That skirt is so cute."

"Thanks," I grabbed my usual necklaces from my vanity and put them around my neck. "I'll take you to where I got it sometime and we can go shopping. I really like your blazer, by the way."

Ashley tugged on her light grey blazer and grinned, "What? This old thing?" She laughed and grabbed a tube of lipstick from my vanity. "Ugh, I need a little color in these lips. I look like a dead fish."

I giggled and applied a coat of clear lip gloss, "I myself am going for the juicy lips tonight."

"We sound like Paige."

"Oh, but sometimes it's so nice to see how the other half lives."

We both burst out laughing and I grabbed my cell phone. "I'll give Marco a call and tell him we're on our way."

Marco gripped his door handle and leaned far back in his seat. "Are you kidding me? Slow down!"

I laughed and pressed harder on the gas. "Perks of having the last name Nash."

Ashley leaned forward and turned the cd player up. "Ooh! I love this song!"

We all sang along to "Should I Stay or Should I Go". Even Marco was rocking out, which was good because his constant bickering was starting to get on my nerves.

"Wow, El. You should sing for the Sasquatch sometime. You sound great!"

I gave Marco a look and rolled my eyes. Oh great. I just had to go and open my mouth and sing in front of them. Ashley punched me lightly on the shoulder, "You're voice is _awesome_! Why didn't I know this before?"

"Because it's not. So I can sing one song fairly well. That doesn't mean a thing."

Marco and Ashley gave each other a look and laughed, "Whatever!" Ashley turned the song up even louder, but I made sure not to sing along this time. Instead I just hummed.

"And who are you?" I looked up and met a pair of beautiful green eyes.

I put the CD I had been looking at down and smiled flirtatiously, "Ellie."

"Well, Ellie. I don't remember ever seeing you here before. The name's Dan."

"Well, Dan. That's because I've never been here before."

"Social outcast?"

"No, just different social circles."

He gave an understanding nod and smiled with two rows of perfect, white teeth. He really was cute. I really liked how his shaggy black hair kind of curled at the end of his collar. "You're running low on your drink!"

"Huh?"

He leaned closer and whispered into my ear, "You're running low on your drink!"

I had heard him perfectly the first time, but I just wanted to feel his breath against my ear. It felt wonderful. I held out my cup and he took it for me. I followed him to the keg and he filled it up for me. I took a sip and leaned seductively against the wall. If I positioned myself just right, he'd be able to see more of my right thigh than he could now.

"It's kind of loud in here. Do you want to go somewhere more quiet?" I found myself nodding to his question without even thinking about it first. But seriously, what's a girl to do?

We escaped to an upstairs bedroom and sat down on the bed together, our legs touching. Okay, this was his chance. All he had to do was lean forward and I'd gladly meet him halfway. The alcohol in my system was making me less inhibited. But Dan didn't make a move. Instead, he just sighed and scratched his forehead. "The noise was starting to get to me. I like to actually have an intelligent conversation with a girl. Even ones I meet at parties."

"Even ones who are well on their way to being completely wasted?" I blurted out. Ouch. Did I really just say that? How desperate did I sound?

Dan chuckled and took a hold of my hand, rubbing it in between both of his. "Yes, even girls like you. So, where are you from?"

I may have been acting a bit more flirty than usual tonight, but I wasn't about to lie. I don't lie. "Degrassi Community School."

"Oh, okay. I have a friend that used to go there. What are you doing up here?"

"Trying to forget an ex-boyfriend." Why was my mouth running before I could even analyze what I was about to say? I feel so stupid. He must think I'm an idiot.

"Yeah, I know how that is. I just broke up with a girl a few weeks ago. We dated for about six months. It was getting pretty serious. But she just changed and... I wasn't feeling it anymore."

I focused in on his mouth while he talked. His mouth was so cute. His lips were full and wow... they would feel really great on mine. I wish he would just shut up and kiss me. Maybe I should take the lead and just kiss him. But then I'd look like a huge tramp. I didn't want that. I took another sip of my beer. What beer was this? The eleventh? Yeah, that's right. "My ex-  
boyfriend decided we were getting too serious. Frankly, he changed also. He started getting all worried about his macho-image. Like I could give a shit about how tough he was. I don't care. He's old news. He's already moved on."

"And you're looking to moving on, too?" Dan leaned in closer to me and I positioned my head just right. He was definitely going to kiss me. All I had to do was say the magic words.

"Yes."

And he kissed me.

So, serious, hard-working, ambitious Ellie hooked up with some random guy. Okay, he isn't random.I know his name (Dan!), we talked for ten minutes, and... well, I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing him again real soon. He invited me up for another party Sunday night. I know, I know, I have school the next day, but, honestly, I've handled it this way before. Back when I was bad. Back when I had fun and did whatever the hell I wanted. Back when I didn't have to worry about guys like Sean or girls like Darcy stealing my freaking position on the newspaper.

I didn't tell Marco or Ashley about me hooking up with Dan. They both would have probably freaked knowing them. They would think that I'm rebelling or some bullshit like that. If they only knew how it used to be... I still have Dan's cell phone number on a slip of paper burning a hole in my purse. That number is the key to resolving all my problems. It's my pass to every party, it's my link to Dan, it's my ticket to a better life. A life with a guy who actually wants to be with me. Who knows nothing about me. Who has no expectations of me.

So, it looks like I'll be taking the Corvette out again soon. This time, though, I'll be alone. And this time, I'll stay the night with Dan. And then we'll become a couple. And I won't ever have to deal with trivial, high-school guys ever again. I like the thought of that.

It's Monday and my weekend was eventful:

_Saturday-_ recovered from major hangover.

_Sunday-_ partied at the frat again.

So it looks like I'll be heading up to University again tomorrow night. Dan can't stand being without me, it seems. It's nice to have someone actually want you around. I really think he cares about me. I don't know how deep my feelings go for him. But it sure beats being lonely all the time.


	11. I'm Getting Over You

**Chapter 11: I'm Getting Over You**

**Paige's POV**

So, it looks like Miss Ellie Nash has _finally_ gotten herself a new boyfriend. Thank you, Lord! If I had to look at her act all mopey one more second, I might have killed myself. Now things can get back to normal. Ashley and Marco can both stop worrying about Ellie, we can go back to having _fun_...

So anyway... Ellie's been talking non-stop about how great this guy is. Supposedly he's a junior at University. Which I find a bit weird... What would a junior want with Ellie? And supposedly he looks like some Greek god or something like that. And supposedly he's mature, witty, intelligent, _deep_, and, yeah, gag me. Okay, so I'm sure he's a total hottie. I mean, I must admit, Ellie has great taste in men. Marco. Sean. Need I say more? But how come she gets the goodies and I don't? I'm stuck with Spinner. Who is a sweetheart, but sometimes a girl needs a guy who is more stimulating. Who has talents other than just eating a whole can of spray cheese in under one minute. Why does Ellie get all the luck?

Speak of the devil...

"Hey guys," Ellie yawned as she slid into a seat next to Marco and across from me. She rested her cheek on her fist and looked around the table.

Marco tapped a pen against the table, "Wow... someone looks a bit tired today."

"Yeah, well, I was over at Dan's and..."

Ashley's mouth dropped open in shock. "You went over to Dan's _again_? Is this like the third time you've been there this week alone?"

Ellie shrugged nonchalantly and resorted to inspecting her nails. "It's the fourth time. And it's no big deal. He can't stand being away from me. Isn't that sweet?"

I almost chocked on the jolly rancher I was sucking on. How could he stand to be _around_ her was my question. I put on a saccharine smile and folded my hands on the table. "Wow, Ellie... You're quite the catch lately. So how does it feel to be used?"

"Excuse me?" Ellie arched an eyebrow.

I put a hand to my mouth, "Aww... do you really think he's interested in you? You don't think he's just using you for..." I lowered my voice to a whisper. "Sex?"

"You're way out of line. Why don't you just mind your own damn business and leave me to mine?" Ellie replied cooly.

I flashed her a grin and went back to copying Ashley's notes from the day before. Still, I kept an ear open to hear the rest of their conversation.

"There's another party going on this weekend. You guys should come!"

Marco and Ashley gave each other a look and I rolled my eyes at their worried looks. Why did they always have to worry about her? I tried worrying about her before- once, when she was cutting and the second time when we thought she had an eating disorder. I had almost completely forgotten about that. I think everyone kind of forgot about it. Eh. Oh well. Let Ellie deal with her own problems.

Marco cleared his throat, "Well... That would be fun. But, Ellie, how serious are you guys? I mean, you just met him."

"Actually, I've known him for two weeks now, okay?"

Wow. Big difference. I had to squelch my laugh, but, honestly, how could anyone not laugh at her? But I guess that's why girls like her get titles like "Biggest Slut". She's out banging a guy after knowing him for, what, fifteen seconds? I'm glad a few of us still have a little _class_ left in us.

**Craig's POV**

I mixed my mashed potatoes and gravy together on my lunch tray and shoveled a huge spoonful in my mouth. "So she's met a new guy. She's _happy_. She's forgetting about Sean. She needed to move on and she's doing it. I think you guys are thinking about this way too much."

Ashley sighed and threw her hands in the air. "But Sean and her just broke up, like what, a month ago? They dated for a long time."

"Yeah, and Sean was dating Emma a few days later," I snapped. I'm sorry, but why did they have to give her such grief about being a teenaged girl? "Let her live. As if she hasn't had a tough enough time as it is."

"And what is _that_ supposed to mean?" Marco threw down his spoon and crossed his arms over his chest.

I groaned. "Listen, her dad was at war and, now that he's back, her parents are hardly around; she's in that huge house all by herself; she's recovering from cutting; she just broke up with her boyfriend; everyone keeps going back and forth from ignoring her to not giving her room to breathe; one of us, I don't know who, but one of us actually went and told Ms. Suave that she had an _eating disorder_ when there was basically no proof, and... and... Listen, I'm sorry, but her life has been hell lately and you guys can't just decide every other week that you're going to be her friend for a few days. Why can't she have fun for once."

Ashley and Marco stared at me in utter surprise before going back to their lunches.

"I don't _ignore_ her..." Marco muttered into his green beans.

"Yeah, and I didn't tell Ms. Suave _anything_," Ashley piped in.

I dropped my head into my hands. These two were ridiculous. "Well, let me put it plainly... I think we've _all_ been shitty friends to Ellie lately. So how about we let her do what she wants. She's _fine_."

Marco and Ashley gave each other another look before shrugging and going back to eating their lunches in silence. Wow, this lunch period has been a barrel of laughs...

"Hey," I gasped as I slid into a seat next to Ellie in the photography lab.

She gave me a weird look and put on a pair of gloves, "Why are you out of breath?"

"I just ran a mile in gym. Some sort of fitness test. Believe me, I wasn't about to come to class without a shower," I smiled and rubbed my wet hair.

Ellie scrunched her nose, "Thanks. I've dealt with Spinner B.O. before, but after running a mile? That'd be too gross."

I laughed huskily and grabbed my camera. "What are you developing today?"

She snapped her gloves and set her camera on the table before answering me. "A few pictures I took for the yearbook. There's some from the basketball game last week, the pep rally, and just some candids around the hallways..."

"Cool," I whispered as Mr. Belvont, the Photography Club advisor, started talking about an upcoming project for the school's anniversary. Or something like that. I wasn't paying too much attention.

After his speech, Mr. Belvont left us to develop our pictures and he just walked around to see everyone's work. I turned my attention back to Ellie as I took the film out of my camera. "The Honey catalogue should be coming out soon."

She froze in the midst of her work and gave me a look. "Are you serious?"

"Yep. I have a feeling that it's going to look great."

Ellie gave me a nervous smile and hunched over her photos, "Let's just try and keep it on the down low, Craig."

"Sure... I'll just make sure I give some guys a few copies. You'll be the pin-up in their lockers," I laughed and jabbed her in the ribs lightly.

She pursed her lips and shook her head in disbelief.

"So, I hear things are getting pretty hot and heavy with a certain boy?" I casually asked.

Ellie broke into a smile and nodded, "Yes. But he's not a boy. He's a man. You should come to the party this weekend up at the frat. It should be good."

I cocked my head, "Okay, why not. Ashley's going, right?"

"I believe so."

"Okay, I'll go."

**Sean's POV**

I leaned Darcy against a locker and kissed her hard. I needed to start making up for the way I had been acting lately. I'm surprised she's still talking to me.

"Wow. What was that for?" She smiled and twirled my hair with her fingers.

"For being hot."

"Oh!" She kissed me again before pushing herself away from the locker and adjusting her purse higher on her shoulder. "Well, I'd love to stick around and make out, but I have to head home. Give me a call later, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," I gave her hand a quick squeeze before heading off to go find Ellie. I hadn't talked to her in a few days. She's been so busy hanging out with that _guy_ I hear she's dating.

I found her in the computer lab working on the yearbook and I stole the seat next to her. She looked up in surprise and greeted me with a smile. She looked tired. But beautiful, all the same. "Haven't talked to you in awhile," Ellie said as she worked on the layout of a page.

I leaned back in my chair, "Well, you've been too busy hanging out with _Stan_ or whatever his name is."

"It's Dan. But that doesn't mean you can't call me. You hardly call me anymore."

"Sorry. I've been busy working at the garage. I have extra hours this month. Plus, well, Darcy..."

"Yeah, Darcy..."

"Do you not like her or something?" Whenever I mention Darcy it seems like she gets all tense and bitchy.

Ellie flashed me a big grin, "No, I think she's great!" Okay, even I could tell she was being completely sarcastic.

"Spill, Nash."

"Well, couldn't you have found someone who actually has a brain? Or an opinion on something other than strawberry milk?"

"Are you still mad about that whole newspaper thing?" Darcy had told me about the situation that had happened the other week. Supposedly Ellie writes an opinion piece for the Grapevine, anonymously (until now), and Darcy's article took her spot an issue ago.

Ellie waved her hand and looked towards the ceiling. "_No_. Just because people would rather read about milk than an important issue..."

"Well, no one even knows you write that opinion section, so why does it matter? You always have other stories in the paper." Really, what was the big deal?

"Listen, Sean, maybe it doesn't seem important to you, but it's a big deal to me. That is my opinion that got shoved aside for some trivial matter."

"And if your article had appeared, no one would have known you wrote it. Because you write your opinion pieces anonymously! You're such a chicken that you can't even own up to your opinion!" I decided that I really needed to start sticking up for Darcy. I was sick of Ellie getting her little digs in about her.

Ellie turned towards me furiously, "The whole point of me not putting my name at the end of my opinion piece is that it shouldn't matter that I wrote it. I want people to read it and agree with it or disagree with it because of the content, not the writer. I don't need my name at the end of my article so everyone can think I'm some great writer. I just want my opinion out there."

I leaned forward. "Well, you _should_ put your name at the bottom of your article because everyone thinks what you write is brilliant. Everyone admires your articles and you should take credit where credit is due!"

Ellie shook her head in disbelief and turned back towards the computer. "I don't really want to talk about this. I'm really busy with yearbook right now, so if you could just leave me alone?"

"Fine!" I snapped and grabbed my backpack.

Who needed to talk with her anyway?

**Ellie's POV**

I threw my backpack on my bedroom floor and threw myself onto my bed. Today had been one long and hectic day. I had forgotten to do a few math problems for homework and had to hurry and finish them in all of my other classes, resorting in me missing a few notes and getting a few worried looks from teachers. What is everyone's deal? I'm _fine_! So I've stayed out way too late a few times a week. I'm still on top of everything.

And the whole deal with Sean? I just wanted to punch him for being so... protective of Darcy. I'm sorry, but I think she's a huge bitch. What does he see in her?

My cell phone rang and I grabbed it, checking the caller I.D. before I answered. Yep. It was Dan. I quickly answered it and greeted him in my most mature sounding voice.

"Hey, Ellie," he responded huskily. God, he was sexy. "How was school?"

"Slow. Dull. I would have rather been with you."

"I know what you mean. I only had three classes today, but they seemed to drag on forever. So... I was thinking you could come up here tonight. We could grab something to eat. Maybe watch a movie back at my place..."

Code for: make out.

I looked at my planner and grimaced at the long list of homework I had. Well... maybe I could just go for dinner. And then a short make-out session and be back early enough to finish my homework at a decent hour. "I think I can do that," I twirled a strand of hair around my finger and said a quick good-bye to Dan.

Two hours later I was on his doorstop ringing his doorbell. He answered after a few seconds and sighed happily, "What took you so long?"

"I had to finish something." Or I had to take another shower to make sure I looked extra good for you.

"Well, I'm glad you're here now. Come on in."

I stepped into his studio apartment and waited for him to greet me properly with a kiss. It didn't take long for a kiss to turn into a full on make-out session, ending with us on his bed. He slid his hands up underneath my skirt and moaned against my neck. "Stay the night," he pleaded.

I gasped as I felt his fingers on me. Could I really stay the night? It was a school night. And I had that test to study for. The test that was tomorrow. I bit my lip as he continued to suck on my neck, trailing down to my collarbone, and then pulling my shirt up over my head. Could I really leave this tonight? He gave me a puppy-dog look. How could I resist?

"Okay."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Hi. You have reached Nash residence. We are not home right now, but please leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as we can. Thank you. _

**Beep!**

_Hi. This is Mr. Radditch from Degrassi Community School. Ellie was not present in school yesterday or today, Wednesday. As far as I'm concerned, we have not received a notice from a parent of an excused absence. Please call us back as soon as you receive this. Thank you. _

I pressed the "end" button on my cell phone and closed it.

Dan muzzled my neck, "What's wrong?"

I shook my head, "Nothing. So, how do you feel about me staying the night again?"

**Dun.dun.dun... Thanks for the reviews! They're great! Next chapter look for Ellie's parents coming home. Getting the message from the school. The party at the frat. Perhaps a fight between Darcy and Ellie- or maybe I'll save that for later. :) Keep on reviewing! I really appreciate it. April Child should be updated tomorrow. I'm halfway through the next chapter.**


	12. Things We Don't Mean

**Chapter 12: Things We Don't Mean**

**Jimmy's POV**

Ah. Lunch time. My favorite class. I slid into a seat next to Hazel and quickly kissed her on the cheek before greeting my friends. "Hey guys. What's up?"

Marco looked away. Ashley stared sullenly at her food. Paige rolled her eyes. Spinner sprayed some cheese into his mouth. Craig lifted his eyebrows. Oookay... Was anyone going to say anything? Hazel shrugged and stirred the straw in her tea, "Nothing much, honey."

"Well, if that's true, then why does everyone look A. Pissed or B. Depressed?" I laughed, trying to lighten the mood, but it didn't work.

Finally Paige slammed her hands on the table and tossed her hair behind her back. "Well, Marco and Ashley are depressed because they haven't talked to Ellie in three days. Craig, Spinner, and I are pissed because they are depressed. And they won't talk to anyone. So there. You're caught up!" She let out an annoyed sigh and crossed her arms over her chest.

_Oookay..._ I could tell lunch was going to be really fun today. There's nothing I like more than eating in silence while everyone sulks. "Okay, so where _is_ Ellie?" I addressed the question to Ashley and Marco but Paige answered me instead.

"Shacking with her new boyfriend or something like that."

"Oh. So they're pretty serious?"

Ashley pursed her lips, "Serious enough for Ellie to skip school for three days? Yeah."

"Wow. I never thought I'd see the day where Ellie skipped school," I chuckled. When you think about it, it is kind of funny. This is _Ellie_. Straight-A girl. Okay, I admit, it's a bit unsettling at the same time. Because normally she would never do anything like this. "So she hasn't called you or anything?"

"Oh, she called me," Marco responded. He looked extremely annoyed. "She wanted me to go into her house and erase a message off of her answering machine. I refused. If she wants it so badly, she can come home and do it herself."

"Yeah, well, I don't see why our world has to stop turning just because Miss Priss Nash decides she's going to rebel," Paige put her two cents in rather snottily and I shot her a look. Obviously Marco and Ashley were seriously upset about Ellie's actions.

"Mr. Del Rossi, could I have a word with you please?" Mr. Raditch appeared at our table and I jumped in my seat. Jesus. Did the guy have to sneak up on us like that?

Everyone looked at each other as Marco got up out of his seat and nervously followed Mr. Raditch outside the cafeteria. We stayed silent until Marco went out of view and then the table erupted into speculation.

"Hey, man."

I turned around in surprise to hear Marco's voice behind me. I hadn't seen him ever since lunch. No one knew what Mr. Raditch wanted with him. I figured something had happened. "Hey, what did Raditch want?" That's right. Let's get straight to the point.

Marco's face scrunched up and I thought he was going to cry. Instead he just looked at the floor and shook his head, "He wanted to know where Ellie was. I said I wasn't sure but maybe with this new guy she's seeing. He said her parents returned from a trip and had no clue where she was. They're worried."

I let out a deep breath and picked my backpack up off the floor. "Wow, looks like Ellie is in major shit."

"Yeah, well she's going to be once I'm through with her. I can't believe she's doing this. I don't understand why she is. I mean, this isn't like her at all."

"Well, I don't know either. But, hey, don't be so hard on her. Something has to be going on with her to make her do this. To worry everyone like this. But, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later."

Marco and I slapped each other's hand before parting. I'm not going to lie. I'm kind of worried now too. Marco is one of my best friends and if he's this worried, then there's probably reason to be. I don't know Ellie _that_ well, but I know her well enough to know that she tends to go off the deep-end sometimes. Hopefully Marco reaches her before something bad really happens.

**Ellie's POV**

I stared at my reflection in the mirror and shook my head slowly. My grip on the sink tightened and I let out a heavy sigh. I don't know, but I just felt so beaten down today. I could barely stand to look myself in the eye. I pushed myself away from the sink and looked over at the toilet I had just been hunched over before.

All I wanted to do now was take Dan's stupid razor and tear away at my skin.

_No. No. You can do this. You can handle this. _I don't even know what I was so worried about. I don't know why I'm stressing out like this. Nothing has happened. The past few days have been fine. _Except you haven't gone to school_. Ugh. I wish my conscience would just shut up.

I heard a knock on the door and the doorknob jiggled. "Ellie, you okay in there?" Dan's voice sounded a little worried and I realized I had been in the bathroom for probably ten minutes now.

"Yeah," I called out weakly. I cleared my throat. "Yeah," I repeated, a little more calmly now. I opened the door and stepped outside into his arms. "So, what do you want to do now?"

Dan smiled, showing off his perfect teeth, and motioned towards the TV. "The basketball game is starting soon. I can't miss it."

"Oh, okay. I'll watch it with you."

"I didn't think you liked basketball."

"It's not my _favorite_."

Dan looked as if he was going to say something else but we were interrupted by a knock on the door. He gave me a confused look and jogged to the door, looking through the peephole. "Oh, it looks like you have some visitors, Ellie." He opened the door and my mouth fell open when I saw Marco and Ashley standing outside the doorway.

"What are you doing here?" I cried. How did they know where he lived?

Ashley was the first to say anything. "We went to the frat and asked where Dan lived. Ellie, your parents are home. They're worried."

I burst out laughing. _Sure_. When were my parents ever worried about me? "Well, that's too bad. I'm staying the night here."

Marco burst through the door and waved a finger in my face. "You're coming home!" He yelled.

I jumped back. Marco has never talked to me that way before. He's never _yelled_ at me before.

Dan put himself in between Marco and I and put an arm around my shoulder. "Leave her alone. She'll go home when she wants."

"I'm not talking to you!" Marco shouted. He clenched his fists to his sides and glared at Dan.

Who does he think he is? "Marco, don't take this out on Dan," I pleaded. "I'll come home. It's okay, Dan."

I flashed him a little smile and went into the bedroom to grab my backpack. How embarrassing. How dare Marco comes to my boyfriend's house and demand I leave? Seriously, who does he think he is? My mom? My dad? I was seething. I have to get it through to Marco that he doesn't control my life. I do.

I drove home with Ashley in silence. Marco followed in his dad's van. It's not like I was ignoring her or anything. She's the one who didn't want to talk. I tried to bitch about Marco, but she just stayed completely quiet. I dropped her off at her house and she got out and shut the door without even a goodbye. What was with her?

I groaned in frustration when I noticed that Marco was going to follow me the entire way home. Like I would have made the entire trip all the way back to University if he didn't or something. As I pulled into my driveway, I scanned my mind for something to say to him. What could I say? I know he'll just yell at me even more.

I can't believe he yelled at me. Tears pricked the back of my eyes but I blinked them away as I got out of the car. I didn't see my parents car anywhere. Figures. If they were so worried about me, they would have stayed home until I got back. They were probably at the country club or something having dinner.

"You want to explain yourself?"

I turned around and faced Marco. "Don't you mean _you_ explain _your_self?"

Marco laughed cruelly and threw his hands up in the air. "Yeah, because you never make mistakes. You never do anything wrong. You're perfect!"

"You got that right! What's going on here, Marco? Why won't you let me have _fun_?"

"Because you having fun isn't like you at all. You're skipping school. You're not letting anyone know where you are or what you're doing. You're worrying everyone!"

"I'm sure everybody is just so worried about me. Listen, I don't have time for this. I don't want to listen to you anymore." I turned away and started back in the house but Marco grabbed my arm and yanked me back towards him.

"You're not walking away until you tell me what's going on. Why are you acting like this? It's not like you."

"Oh, really? And what's like me? What am I like? You tell me. Since you know everything!" I cringed at how weak my voice sounded. Why did it have to shake like that? I was just so angry. I was so angry at the fact that Marco always thinks he knows what's best for me. He always expects me to be the girl who can't have fun, who has to be serious all the time, who has to take care of everybody. Not anymore.

"Well, you're not a girl who goes off with some random guy and has _sex_ with him. Especially someone as old as Dan. Ellie, he's in _college_."

I yanked my arm back and rubbed it where had held it. "Oh, I forgot. Only Paige would do something like that. Paige is the only mature one out of all of us."

"She's a lot more mature than you."

"Argh!" I stomped my foot and started towards my front door. Marco blocked my way.

He held me at arm's length. "Why are you doing this to yourself? You're lying to yourself. You're not over Sean, you're still hurt by the breakup, so you're using some guy to get back at Cameron. I don't get it."

I laughed hollowly, "You're right. You don't get anything."

"You're really pissing me off. Acting as if you're so much better than everyone. Do you know how hellish this week has been for me? I've had to constantly stand up for you when everyone puts you down. I've had to lie to teachers, claim you're sick, be called to Mr. Raditch's office and interrogated... I've had to betray you and actually tell them where you were."

"You didn't have to."

"Yes, yes, I did."

I couldn't stand the way he was looking at me. As if I was something so pitiful he could barely take it. I could see tears starting to fill in his eyes and I immediately hated myself for what I was doing to him. But couldn't he see I was in pain, too? He wasn't the only one who was hurt or felt used or whatever he was feeling. "Just leave me the hell alone. I don't want you around."

I tried to push past him, but he grabbed a hold of me even harder than before. I cried out in pain and tried to push away from him but he wouldn't let me. He just pulled me towards him and tried to enclose me in a hug, but it felt forced and it hurt. "GET OFF OF ME!" I screamed.

Marco just kept a hold of me and I tried to escape by kicking him. Hitting him. Anything I could do so he would let go and just leave me alone. I pulled my leg back and kicked him and Marco did the one thing I never thought he could ever do to me. He pushed me. Hard. I stumbled backwards before falling against the car. "You pushed me," I managed to whisper out.

Marco turned his face away and I saw a few tears slide down his cheek. "I didn't know what else to do. You're acting crazy."

I pushed my hair away from my face and shook my hard, my face starting to scrunch up. I would not let him see me cry, though. "You don't ever touch me!" I stammered.

Marco shook his head slowly. "You're scaring me," he whispered so softly I could barely hear him.

I looked away, but didn't say anything.

He took a step towards me. "You're my best friend, Ellie..."

I laughed, "What are you talking about? I'm _not_ your best friend."

"What?"

"We _stopped_ being best friends when you decided you wanted to be gay. You embarrassed me. So don't say I'm your best friend. I would never be friends with some fag like you!" I immediately regretted what I had just said, but I couldn't take it back now.

Marco nodded and smiled sadly. "It's nice to know that Jay rubbed off on you. I'm done here."

I ran up to my room and fell onto my bed. My side still hurt where I fell against the car. But what hurt most was what I had just said to my best friend. How cruel am I? I turned over onto my back and stared at my ceiling. Tears pricked my eyes once again, but, this time, I let them fall. My chin quivered and I burst into loud, heaving sobs. Marco was never going to forgive me for saying that to him. And I don't even know why I said it. I guess I just wanted to hurt him. Make him feel as bad as I was feeling. I just wanted someone else to suffer. I'm so damn selfish. Now, I really had nothing.

**Marco's POV**

Tears slid down my cheeks as I drove home. What an idiot. I should have known Ellie would be pissed that I took her away from her precious college boy. I ran my hand across my face and tried to suck it up. I've had worse things said to me. I've been beaten up before. But maybe it would have been better if Ellie had just hit me. At least the pain would have seized after awhile. But her words- her actually calling me a fag- especially in that tone- acting as if I _chose_ to be gay, that wouldn't just go away.

I know I can forgive Ellie at anytime. I mean, I love her. She's my best friend. My soul mate. But I don't know if I could ever forget.

**Ellie's POV**

"Eleanor Brynn Nash! What the hell did you think you were doing?"

I cringed at my mom's voice and sat up in bed. I should have known I couldn't just escape without some lecture. I've heard it all before, though. I didn't need to be reminded.

I looked at my mom and my face crumpled instantly. All I wanted right now was my mom to hold me and tell me that everything would be okay. My mom's mouth fell open in surprise when she saw the state I was in and she rushed over to the bed, pulling me towards her in a hug. "Shhh... It's okay, sweetie. What happened?"

"I-I-I said some really horrible things to Marco. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me," I choked out. Sobs shook my back and my mom pulled me even closer.

"Shhh... it'll be okay. Don't worry. Just get it all out."

She stroked my hair and I pulled away, covering my face with my hands. I can't believe I just broke down in front of my mother. I can't believe she didn't snap at me that I was weak, like she's done so many times before. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm sorry I snuck around. I'm sorry I skipped school. I'm sorry I'm doing all of this."

My mom nodded and gave me a sad smile. "I know you're sorry, but _why_ are you doing this?"

I lifted my shoulder into a little shrug. "I don't know. I just... got excited that I had a new boyfriend. That's all. I mean... You know... attention. I wanted you and daddy's attention."

I bit my lip, going for my most pitiful look. My mom bought it. She kissed my forehead and sighed. "Well, you got it. Your dad's going to be up in a little bit to talk to you. We'll call the school tomorrow and explain, okay?"

I nodded and fake yawned. "I think I'm going to go to sleep now. I'm really tired."

"I bet you are. Get some sleep. Your dad will just talk to you in the morning."

I watched her as she smoothed down my hair and walked out the door, closing it behind her. I sat down on my bed for a few moments and stared at the wall. I've always praised myself on how honest I am. How I can tell the truth anytime. Now I'm just like the rest of them. I've lied the past few days more than I've ever lied in my life. I've hurt the people I love. I totally ruined my friendship with my best friend. When word got out what I did to Marco, who would even want to be around me? I took off my hoodie and looked down at my arm. Just scars. There were no fresh ones. I had stopped myself from cutting for two weeks now. I had, instead, put all my strength into trying to make it work with Dan. Trying to forget about Sean. Trying to forget about everything.

I got up and walked into the bathroom. Who cares? Really, who cares anymore? I don't need Ashley. I don't need Marco. I don't need Sean. I don't need my parents. I don't need the perfect GPA. I don't need anything from anybody. I just need a razor.

**So... not the most cheerful of chapters. I'm starting to really get into this story lately so I may be updating this one more than April Child. If I don't get April Child updated by tonight, I definitely should by tomorrow or Sunday. One of those two. Reviews are always welcome. Suggestiosn are always welcome. Don't worry about Sean and Ellie... things will work out for the best in the end. **


	13. The Games We Play

**Chapter 13: The Games We Play**

**Paige's POV**

"She _said _that?!" I gasped as Marco recounted the events of last night. Everyone else just looked shocked. No one even knew what to say. No one ever thought they'd hear Ellie make fun of Marco for being gay. "That's it. I'm going to kick her ass!"

Marco shook his head. "Don't," he muttered bitterly. "Let's just forget about it. I didn't mean to bring it up."

Ashley tossed her hair out of her eyes and leaned back against the wall, "I don't even think I know her anymore. She's not the same person that she used to be. Whatever happened to her loyalty for her friends?"

I sneered as I noticed Ellie walking up the sidewalk. "Speaking of that witch... Here she comes now..."

We all kept our eyes on her as we watched her walk up the sidewalk to the school. She wasn't alone, though. I saw a tall man walking with her. It had to have been her dad. He had a hand firmly on her shoulder and had the air of man that demanded respect. I certainly appreciated the expensive looking suit he had on.

"Who's that?" Hazel whispered to me.

"Her dad..." Marco murmured. He couldn't tear his eyes off of her. Who could blame him? This was... used to be... his best friend in the entire world. The girl I fought with daily for his affections.

"She looks terrible."

Nice observation, Craig. But I did have to agree with him. She looked... horrible. Her skin was so pale it was almost clear. Enormous bags were under her eyes. I don't think any amount of makeup could have hidden them. Her hair was unkempt and pulled back into a messy ponytail. She looked like a mess. But she still had that haughty look on her face. That _bored_ look. As if it killed her to be around other people.

"Well, I am not going to sit around and let her treat my friend like that. I'm going to go over and tell her exactly what I think of her."

"Paige..." I ignored Marco. The little witch deserved what she had coming.

**Ellie's POV**

"Bye, dad," I hugged my dad and he walked out of the front doors of the school. Mr. Raditch had wanted him to come in so we could talk about a suitable punishment for me. My dad managed to talk him down to three Saturday detentions to make up for three days I missed. It seemed fair. I was surprised that Mr. Armstrong was going to let me make-up the math test I had missed the other day. I never thought that man liked me.

I turned around to head to my locker. This day was going to be hell. I can already feel it. As I turned around I ran smack into Paige. As if my day couldn't get any worse... "Excuse me, Paige."

"No, actually I have a few things to say to you!" Paige cornered me into a row of lockers and started to point her finger in my face. "First of all, stay away from my friends, okay? Second of all, why bother showing your face around here? Once everyone hears what you said to Marco, no one will ever want to talk to you again. How could you be so cruel to him?"

I bit the inside of my cheek. Why did she have to start with me so early in the morning? I was tired, cranky, drained. I had woken up on the bathroom floor, my precious razor in my hand, and a tiny puddle of blood on the floor tiles. I know what I did was horrible. I'll never forgive myself. But did Marco have to go and tell Paige? She'd never let me live this down.

I decided to not give Paige the satisfaction of fighting with her. I was too tired to anyway. I pushed past her and entered the bathroom. I just wanted to rest for a second. Catch my thoughts. Try and get rid of the bags again. Brush my hair. I looked like shit.

Did I really think that Paige would just let me leave like that? No such luck...

"Ellie, what's going on?"

I couldn't believe my ears. Did Paige actually sound... concerned? I didn't think she had it in her.

"Ellie!"

"What?!" I turned and looked at her and she gestured towards my arm.

I looked down and fumbled to pull my sleeve back down. I really need to stop scratching at my scars. I hadn't even noticed that I had pulled up my sleeve and had been dragging my nails down my arm.

"Ellie! Are you still cutting?"

"No!"

"Ellie!"

"Stop it, Paige!"

I slammed my palms down on the bathroom counter and glanced in the mirror. I just wanted everyone to leave me the hell alone. I never wanted to talk to anyone ever again.

"Fine... I'll leave you alone, for now. But don't think you're getting off easy. You hurt Marco and you're going to pay."

"I'm so scared..." I whispered to myself sarcastically as she left the bathroom in a huff.

The door opened again and I expected to see Paige, but instead it was Emma. Great... Just the girl I wanted to see.

"Hey Ellie," she greeted and stood next to me in front of the mirror. I looked at her reflection as she pulled her hair up into a ponytail and applied a little chapstick to her lips. She put the lid back on the tube and turned towards me. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," my voice came out in a hoarse whisper. I cleared my throat and smiled weakly at her.

"Oh. Okay. So... Sean and Darcy. Disgusting, huh?"

Why does everyone think I care that Sean is with Darcy? I couldn't care less. I never even think about it. "I guess so."

"You guess so? It's true. If I have to see them hold hands one more time, I might throw up. I didn't break up with him to have him go out with _her_."

I inspected my nails and looked up at her confused at her last comment. What did she mean by that? I shrugged it off and nodded. "Okay, yeah, it's gross. I don't know what he sees in her."

"Yeah, did you read her opinion piece in the Grapevine the other week. How childish."

"It looked like something a five-year-old would write."

"And over such a childish subject. Who cares about milk?"

"Really. There are more important things going on in the world and she picks milk?"

Emma giggled and put a hand to her face, "Oh no!" she cried in a baby voice. "There isn't any strawberry milk at this school. I didn't transfer here to not get strawberry milk! I must protest against this!"

I laughed and twirled a strand of hair from my ponytail. "So... like... can I write about how this school doesn't offer recess as a class?"

"Because an hour long lunch just isn't enough for me!"

"I think we need to have a sit-in about this one, guys. I need to have my recess."

"Right after I drink my strawberry milk at lunch."

Emma and I doubled over in laughter right as... who else?... Darcy walked through the door. Could she hear us outside? Did I really care if she could?

"Hello Emma... Ellie..." Darcy said cooly. She smoothed her hair down in the mirror and turned to face us. "Having a good girl talk?"

Emma smirked and folded her arms across her chest, "As a matter of fact- yes."

I put my hands on my hips and put on my most intimidating look.

Darcy squinted her eyes and glared at me. "Oh please, Ellie. You don't scare me one bit. Everyone knows you're just a crazy freak who slices her arms because you're in just _so much pain_. Spare me..."

I didn't even flinch. Nothing that girl said could get to me. Everyone knew about my nasty habit. What pride do I have left?

But she continued... "Could you tell me what stall you just puked in, Ellie? Because I don't want to go in that one."

I sucked a deep breath in and pushed her as hard as I could across the room. Her mouth fell open in shock and she pushed me back."I am so sick of you!" I hissed through clinched teeth.

"You guys! Quit it!" Emma cried. She pulled me back as I tried to make a lunge for Darcy. Normally, she wouldn't have been able to retain me, but today I was just so tired. Darcy gave me a cross look and grabbed my arm. It reminded me of how Marco had grabbed me last night.

"Now I know why Sean broke up with you. You're such a loser!" Darcy spat out.I took all my energy and pushed her off of me. She fell onto the floor on her knees and stared at me. We both breathed heavily, our chests heaving in and out. We were both worn out. Emma took my hand. "Come on, let's get out of here."

**Emma's POV**

I took my seat in history and tapped my pen against the desk. All I wanted to do was get out of school so I could see how Ellie was doing. How ironic. I used to consider her my worst enemy. Now I think she might know me better than anyone.

"Hey!" Sean took the seat next to me and tapped my desk with his fist.

I jumped in my seat in surprise and look at him. He looked pretty happy. I wonder if he knows about the fight that occurred this morning. I wonder if anyone knows. I know Darcy went home "sick" right after the incident.

"Hi, Sean."

"What's up?"

"Not much... You?"

"Not ready for the test tomorrow. That's for sure."

"Why don't you have Ellie help you study?"

Sean shrugged and took out his notebook. "Ellie and I haven't talked in a few days. I don't know what's going on with her."

_She's going through hell_. I gave Sean a shrug and started to doodle around in my notebook. I have to do something about this. Sean does not belong with Darcy. He belongs with Ellie. Even I can see that.

It's funny how you can change your opinion of someone so quickly. In the beginning, I thought Ellie was a cool girl. She spoke her mind, she had helped me out with a few protests, and she had the guts to disagree with me. Now that everyone knows she writes that opinion editorial in the Grapevine, I can't believe I didn't catch on to it before. It sounded so much like her. Then, when the rumors about her cutting came out (and ended up being true), I couldn't help but be disappointed. I had always sort of looked up to Ellie in a way. Now she was really letting me down. I can't even imagine ever taking a needle or something and dragging it across my skin. Just the thought of it makes me want to throw up. But I guess that's the point. Ellie is in a different sort of pain. I have no trouble getting my feelings out. But she does, I suppose.

I started disliking her when she started going out with Sean. I tried to tell myself over and over that I was over Sean. And I am. I just didn't know it at the time. So, of course I hated her for being with him. He looked so happy, he acted so different. I wonder if he ever pushed her down, if he ever punched the wall right next to her, tried to scare her like he had with me so many times. I think everyone knows what might happen if Sean ever did that to her. I think she'd lose it. She'd go cut herself again. Maybe this time for keeps. With Sean, I didn't get scared. I just got angry. I was always angry with him. But Ellie. Something tells me that she hasn't had the best experiences with men.

Even I have to admit, though, that Sean and Ellie are made for each other. I can't believe it took them this long. While they were going out, I secretly prayed that they would break up. And when they did break up, I felt almost sad. And as Sean and I went out, I became amazed at just how upset I was that him and Ellie weren't together anymore. I didn't want him. I didn't need him. So I let him go. To go back to her. To own up to his own feelings and be with the girl he loves. And what does he do? He goes and makes it with the biggest witch of the freshman class.

And now, I think Ellie and I could actually become friends. I can't believe we weren't better friends before. We have some of the same interests, we both dated Sean, we both think Paige should be knocked down a few pegs...

"Emma?"

I jumped in my seat and looked at Sean next to me. He had a huge smile on his face and was waving his hand in front of my face. Did I really just space out? "Yeah?"

"You were off in some other world. I asked you a question."

"What did you ask?"

"Have you seen Ellie at all today?"

"Yeah. She's here. You should go find her after class and ask her to help you study."

Sean nodded and we turned our attention to the front as Mr. Keesal started the day's lecture. I couldn't help but smile deviously. Maybe I just needed to give the few extra pushes towards Ellie. It's the least I could do.

**Sean's POV**

I headed towards Marco's lunch table. Ellie would probably show up any second and then I could ask her to help me study. We really needed to talk. We haven't talked in... uhhh... probably five days. If we were going to keep being friends, we needed to start actually hanging out. "Hey, Marco. Where's Ellie?"

Paige gave me an incredulous look and stood up, "You didn't hear? Ellie doesn't like Marco anymore. She bashed him last night."

"What?" What did Paige mean exactly?

"She made fun of him for being gay. I think the term she used was '_fag_'... So she won't be sitting here for awhile."

I shot Marco a look and the expression on his face confirmed what Paige just said. But I didn't believe it. Ellie would never have said anything like that to Marco. How many times has she yelled at me for saying that about him? Or for making fun of him because he liked to shop and sip cappuccinos with her? There was no way Ellie could change that much in a matter of five days.

I walked outside into the courtyard. Maybe she'd be out here. At our "special place". I walked towards the grove of trees and, sure enough, she was sitting at the picnic table reading a book. I slid in next to her on the bench and tapped her on the shoulder. She looked up with a start and closed her book immediately. I glanced at the title- Les MiserablesHmm... sounded... interesting. It must be in a different language.

"Hey," I said softly.

She gave me a little smile and played with the edges of her book. Why did she look so nervous? Oh yeah. She probably thought that _I_ was going to yell at her next. I wanted to laugh at the idea of it. "What's going on, Ellie?"

She shrugged and bit her lip before squinting up at me. The sun must have been getting in her eyes. I took my hand and place it against her forehead, creating a visor for her. Her eyes dropped and then she looked back up at me. "Not much... Being a social outcast."

"Yeah, I heard about that. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really. Maybe some other time, but just not now. But thanks for actually wanting to hear my side."

"I'll always want to hear your side. Do you think I'm going to believe anything Paige Michaelchuk says before you?"

Ellie laughed quietly and picked at her nails. "This time what she says is most likely true. I really messed up."

I almost flinched at how painfully her words came out. She was really upset about this. About something. I took my other hand and took one of hers and held it in my lap. "It'll be fine. I promise. Marco really cares about you. He'll always forgive you."

She looked away sadly and shook her head. "That's the point. Marco really cares about me. And I did that. But I didn't- Can we just talk about this some other time?"

"Yeah. Do you want to come over tonight? Get some Chinese food... watch TV... help me study for my history test... Maybe drown all our problems away in cheap beer."

"I really like how you slipped that history test in there..."

"I knew you would. Come on, you can't pass up the chance to make me feel completely inferior to you."

"Fine. I'll be there after my co-op."

I opened the door and let Ellie in. She slid past me and put her backpack down on the floor next to the couch. I enclosed her in a hug, taking in the way her hair smelled, her soft perfume, how she left in my arms, before letting her go. She stepped back a bit and clasped her hands behind her back.

"I ordered the food. It should be here in about a half-hour. Are you thirsty?"

"Yeah, I'll just take a Mountain Dew or Coke, though."

I grabbed her a Mountain Dew from the fridge and tossed it to her. It fell through her hands and exploded on the floor. I laughed and threw another one. "Try to catch it this time."

She didn't. We tried again. By the time we were finished, we had three exploded cans of Mountain Dew on the linoleum floor. Ellie took a step forward to grab a dishtowel to help clean it up and wiped out instead. I hunched over in laughter and could even feel tears starting to come out.

"You think that's funny?" She asked as I reached out a hand to help her up.

I nodded, my face red with laughter and instead of letting me pick her up, she pulled me down along with her. I fell on top of her in a heap and laughed against her neck. "You're going to pay..."

She reached under my arms, the one place where I'm ticklish, and started to tickle me. I yelped and did the same to her, only on her stomach. We rolled around a bit, becoming sticky and worn out, before laying on our backs on the floor. "This is so unsanitary..." Ellie joked and I looked over at her with a huge smile on my face.

She did the same. My smile grew even wider when I saw that she was actually smiling a real smile. I hadn't seen that in awhile. I reached my hand over and touched her cheek. "You have an eyelash," I explained softly.

She averted her eyes and looked at the finger I held up in front of her. I put it next to her lips so she could blow on it and make a wish. She closed her eyes for a second and then blew. I'm not sure, but I think the eyelash ended up just landing on me. But I don't care.

"What did you wish for?"

"If I tell you, it won't come true."

"I didn't think you were superstitious?" I teased.

She gave me a playful push and it started another wrestling match on the floor. This time we stopped with her on top of me. I held on to her waist firmly and massaged my fingers into her skin. Her eyes fluttered a bit and then she rested her head against my chest. We lay still for a few minutes. I watched as she rose and fell with ever breath I took. She looked up at me, I looked back at her. All of a sudden our lips were an inch apart. We were both breathing heavily. We both _really_ wanted this. I leaned forward to close the little space in between us.

The doorbell rang.

**Don't you just hate when people cut-off their stories like that? sorry! Hope you enjoy the chapter. Is there any POV you'd like to see next? Sometimes I feel like I do the same ones over and over again. **


	14. Don't Let It Happen

**Chapter 14: Don't Let It Happen**

**Ellie's POV**

I sighed and fell back onto my bed. Sean had just walked me home- to an empty house, of course. Supposedly my parents were at some charity function. Thank God I didn't have to go. I don't usually mind _too_ much, it's nice to see some of my friends and to catch up on a little gossip in our circle, but standing around and smiling and pretending you're so happy all the time is... tiring. I hate how my mom constantly throws me to the richest sons and my dad is always telling everyone how I'm going to be a lawyer. Or how I may follow in his footsteps.

But why should I think about that right now? I'm not there, I'm home. Yeah, home... after an interesting night at Sean's. I can't believe we almost kissed. That would have been horrible. We can't let that happen. So we got caught up in the moment, who doesn't? But we know our boundaries. We both must have been lightheaded and not thinking straight. Thank God the Chinese food had arrived at just the right time.

The rest of the night had been innocent. Sean pigged out on his Chinese food. I picked at my fried rice. We studied for Sean's test, did the rest of our homework, and, after a lot of convincing on my part, watched the evening news. I'm so happy I don't have to dread watching the news. I don't have to hold my breath as they talk about the war anymore. I can breathe at last knowing my dad is home.

I wish I could breathe easy in the rest of my life. Yeah, right... Not with my friends hating me. Not after the terrible things I said to Marco. Just thinking about it made my eyes burn with tears. I sat in front of my vanity and took my hair out of their pigtails. "Toughen up, Ellie... You can do this," I whispered to my reflection.

My cell phone rang and I lunged for it. It had to be Dan. "Hello?"

"Hey, babe."

I smiled and lay on my bed, ready for a long chat with my _older_ boyfriend. I don't really know why it's so important for me that Dan is older. I've dated older men before. At one point I was dating a man _way_ older than some college boy. "What's up?"

"Nothing. Sitting here, drinking, wondering where you are. I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

"When do you think you'll get to come up and see me?"

"Well, the party most likely."

"I guess I can wait that long."

I laughed at his whiney attitude and twirled a strand of hair around my finger, checking for split ends. "Well, you'll have to." I switched positions so I was on my stomach and reached under my bed for my little box. Setting the box on the bed, I opened the lid and took out a little plastic baggy, mirror, razor, and a piece of paper.

"So, what are you doing right now?"

"Forgetting about all my problems." I poured a little mound onto the mirror and used the razor to make a single line.

"That bad?"

"It's always 'that bad'. Hold on a second." I stuffed the phone down on the bed and snorted the line quickly. "Okay, I'm back." I sniffed and rubbed my nose.

"What did you do?"

"Oh, I had to let the kittens into my bedroom." Wow. I'm becoming an avid liar.

"Okay, so let me tell you what happened in my class today..."

I listened with half an ear as he went through his story of how he was mortified in class today by the professor. I focused more on making a few more lines out of my stash. After I was finished I placed the supplies in the box and slid it back under the box.

"So, how was your day?" I started when I realized Dan was talking to me.

I rolled back over onto my back. "Not much happened... Got into a fight with this B at my school."

"B?"

"Bitch."

"Oh. About what?"

"Stupid shit she was saying to me. She just can't stand the fact that I'm better than her."

"You make me laugh so much. You're just so... blunt... matter-of-fact."

"Only about the truth."

"Okay, well, I gotta go. But you're coming to the party?"

"Yeah, I'll see you."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone and tossed it on my pillow. I wanted more than anything to be with Dan at that moment. To be away from this empty house and away from people glaring at me and from Darcy... The sooner I get out of Degrassi, the better.

**Darcy's POV**

"Hey babe!" I waved to Sean across the street and ran to catch up with him before he went into the school building. "You didn't call me last night."

"Oh yeah. Sorry. Ellie came over to help me study for my test and I forgot."

_What?_ Why is he still talking to that girl? _When_ did he start talking to her again? He never mentioned that he was talking to her again. He didn't tell me that they were going to be studying. "Oh..."

Sean sighed and hooked his arm behind his neck, "What's wrong?"

Did he sound annoyed? He better not sound annoyed. "Listen, I just don't understand why you talk to that girl."

"She's one of my best friends. I can have friends who are girls."

"But can you have friends who are ex-girlfriends? I'm sorry, but I can't help but be a little concerned." I pouted and wrapped my hands around one of his muscular arms.

Sean rolled his eyes playfully and tickled me in the side. "I really think you guys could get along. If you both tried, that is."

"I did try. You should have seen how she acted in the bathroom yesterday. She went totally crazy on me and bitched me out."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Huh. Well, maybe I'll talk to her about it."

I froze, "No! Don't talk to her about it. It'll just embarrass me." And she would just tell you her side of the story and you'd believe her over me. Just that thought alone made me want to scream. What was with guys and Ellie Nash? What was so special about her? Every guy wanted to get on her. Maybe it was time for me to grab the spotlight away from her.

**Emma's POV**

I grabbed my lunch tray and walked with Ellie towards a table in the back, currently occupied by Manny. I set my lunch tray on the table and greeted my best friend. "Hey Manny. Ellie's going to sit with us today."

Manny wiped her mouth and took her backpack off of the other chair. "Hey Ellie."

"Hey," Ellie replied softly.

I couldn't help but notice that Ellie had been unusually quiet today. She'd barely spoken a single word to me. I've heard the stories around school that she totally dissed Marco, but I don't usually believe what everyone says.

"Oh, hey Darcy!" Manny waved and put a big smile on her face.

Ellie grew tense and a scowl appeared on her pretty face. I remembered the fight the day before in the bathroom and couldn't help but glare at Darcy myself. Who does she think she is? Obviously God's gift to mankind.

She adjusted her purse on her shoulder and pursed her lips. "Well, I can see there's not room here for me. I'll just go sit with my _boyfriend_. You know, _Sean_."

"Do you think I care?" Ellie shot back, standing up and slamming her hands on the table.

Darcy leaned forward into Ellie's face and made an ugly face. "Obviously you do! Why don't you leave Sean alone? That means, no study dates. No Chinese takeout. Nothing. You got that?"

"No, I don't speak jealous hag. If you're so concerned about what your boyfriend does behind your back, why don't you just buy a fucking leash?"

"Can I borrow the one around your neck, you ugly-ass _bitch_!" Darcy spat.

By then, the tables around us had gotten quiet and were starting to listen to the fight. I noticed that Paige, Marco, and company were seated just a table away. In perfect view and perfect listening point. This was getting to be a bit embarrassing.

"You guys..." Manny started nervously.

"Stay out of this!" Darcy cried whipping her head around to glare at Manny.

Manny leaned back at the force of Darcy's words and shrugged. Did I honestly think that I could have a normal lunch at Degrassi? There wasn't really anything anyone could do. These girls would always be fighting. They both wanted Sean.

"Just get out of my life!" Ellie reached for her drink and started to leave the table when Darcy grabbed her arm hard. "Ow!" Ellie reached back and swiped at Darcy's face with her fingernails.

"Are you trying to cut me now? Did you run out of _canvas_? Is your arm covered entirely? You're sick!" Darcy hissed.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Marco start to rise out of his seat with an angry look on his face, but Spinner held him back. Ashley's mouth was open in shock. Craig and Jimmy both looked sick. Paige couldn't even look at the scene in front of her and Hazel was just shaking her head sadly. How was Ellie going to get out of this one?

Ellie looked away and shook her head slowly. Her gaze returned to Darcy and her shoulders dropped. "You win, okay? Just _leave me alone_."

She pushed past Darcy and stormed out of the lunch room. I started to go after her but Manny appeared at my side and held onto my arm. "I think you should give her a few minutes alone."

I knew Manny was just trying to help, but what if she hurt herself? I gave Manny a pleading look, but she shook her head. "Let's wait. Then I'll go with you."

I flashed Manny a thankful smile and sat back down at the table with her. Darcy stood around for a second before walking off in a huff. Is it wrong for me to say I hate her? I smiled to myself at my realization.

"So... that was... gruesome." Manny was the first to speak. Her eyes were wide and she was playing with the ring on her finger.

I coughed, "Yeah, Darcy isn't a big fan of Ellie. And vice-versa."

"I can see that. I wonder what Sean will do?"

"Well, if Sean were smart he'd dump Darcy and go for Ellie. But, for some reason he's into Darcy. I think he's kind of _really _into. And that makes me sad."

"I'm really surprised at how much your attitude towards Ellie has changed. I mean, it was just awhile ago that you and her were fighting over Sean's affections."

"Yeah, and I can't believe what a bitch I was. I'm over Sean. I'm just not into him anymore. We had fun while it lasted, but, in the end, we're not right for each other. Anyway, I have my sights set on someone entirely different..."

Manny squealed and grabbed my hands. "Like who?"

I looked around for a bit to make her suffer and then leaned closer towards her. "Okay, don't tell anybody, but... well... I'm sort of into Chris again."

"Chris! What happened between you guys anyway?"

"I don't know! Our relationship just never really airlifted. Which is a shame. Because he's such a cutie."

"I agree. I think it's a good choice."

"Yeah, have you seen how much he's grown... Wow!"

"I know! Those muscles, woah!" Manny giggled and covered her mouth with her hand. I drummed my hands on the table and did a little shimmy. I know, I know... totally unlike Emma Nelson. But I haven't had fun in awhile. And I need some fun in my life. My thoughts returned to Ellie and my mood dimmed. She needed a little fun in her life, too.

**Manny's POV**

"Hey Manny, have you seen Darcy?" Sean jogged up from behind me and started to walk with me.

I sighed and glanced over at him. "I'm on my way to voice lessons, if you don't mind..."

"Well, can you just answer my question?"

"I don't know. Check the bathrooms. She _should_ be crying her eyes out after what she said to Ellie."

"What? Darcy said Ellie totally bitched her out."

I sighed. Some boys can be so dense. Especially boys named Sean. "Listen, believe what you want... but I'm sure more people would tell you that Darcy started it all. She said some pretty nasty stuff. But hey, why don't you ask Ellie yourself?"

"Mmm, maybe later. I'm going to go look for Darcy again." He turned on his heel and started to walk away, but spun back around after a few steps. "Ellie's okay, isn't she?"

I smiled at how worried he sounded. "She'll be fine. Emma and I took care of her."

"Well, thanks. A lot. She needs some girl friends."

"Aw, Sean... you're so concerned! Does this mean something?" I put on my most innocent look and looked at him expectantly.

He just smirked and waved, "Bye, Santos."

I nodded my head in amusement and headed towards the music building. Just my luck, I saw Craig walk in before me. Things were still a bit tense between us. He's back with Ashley, I'm with JT. I'm happy. JT's great and he makes me laugh, a huge plus in my book. Still, sometimes I can't help but wonder what could have been.

"Hey, Manny..." Craig gave me a shy smile and I smiled back at him.

"Hello, Mr. Manning."

"What are you here for?"

"I'm starting to take voice lessons. You?"

"Just thought I'd play a little guitar. Work on a new song. Angie's sick right now so Joey said no practicing until she's better."

"What a drag."

"I know. But hey, I'll catch you later."

I wanted to ask him what everyone thought of the whole Ellie/Darcy fiasco-scene this afternoon, but I didn't have the nerve. Who knows? Maybe Craig was just as pissed off at Ellie as everyone else was. I doubted it, Craig is usually willing to give anyone a second chance, but you never know.

Miss Beeker told me to give her a few minutes since she was running late with another student. I decided to just sit outside her room and not go into one of the practice rooms like everyone does. When Miss Beeker had closed the door behind me, the door had sprung back open a little bit so I could hear everything that was going on inside.

"You're going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Things are just tough at home right now."

Woah. That sounded like Ellie. I know it's wrong, but I couldn't help but be curious. I crawled over to the crack and peeped through it. Sure enough, Ellie was sitting at the piano bench, running her fingers up and down the keys. Miss Beeker put an arm around her shoulders and gave her a little hug before picking up a few sheets of paper.

"Listen, I heard you the other day in your practice room. You were humming along with the song you were playing. You sounded good."

"I was _humming_."

"I know, but you can carry a tune. I can tell. You're right. It was just humming, but, Ellie, it was _beautiful_ humming."

"And your point is?"

"I want to hear what your singing voice sounds like."

"No! I'm not really into singing."

"A person into music as much as you isn't into singing?"

"I usually just hum. Really. Honestly."

"Well, what harm can it do? Prove to me I'm wrong about you. Prove to me you're an incredibly bad singer, and I'll let it go."

I saw Ellie shrug and wring her hands. Man, she was really nervous. I never thought I'd see Ellie Nash nervous.

"What are you doing?" I jumped at the voice behind and whipped around with a finger to my lips.

"Shhh!" I pointed towards the door and lifted my eyebrows. Didn't Craig realize I was trying to eavesdrop?

"Oh!" Craig exclaimed quietly. He crouched down next to me and put his eye to the crack to. "It's Ellie!"

"No shit!" I whispered back.

"Do you know Tori Amos?" Miss Beeker sat down on the piano bench next to Ellie and spread a few sheets of music out.

"Yeah."

"Do you like her?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, well, this is one of her songs. I've been thinking about your voice for awhile now. I thought this one would sound lovely with it."

Ellie played a little tune on the piano and then placed her hands back in her lap. "Okay."

"Good posture is important. A singer must always have her back kept straight and..."

"Miss Beeker? I thought this was just for you to see if I could carry a tune or not?"

"Oh! Sorry... Okay, I'll start playing."

_"These tears I've cried  
I've cried 1000 oceans  
And if it seems I'm floating  
In the darkness  
Well I can't believe that I would kep  
Keep you from flying  
And I would cry 1000 more if that's  
What it takes to sail you home  
Sail you home sail you home _

I'm aware what the rules are  
But you know that I will run  
You know that I will follow you  
Over silbury hill through the solar field  
You know that I wil follow you

And if I find you will you still remember  
Playing at trains  
Or does this little blue ball  
Just fade away  
Over silbury hill through the solar field  
You know that I will follow you  
I'm aware what the rules are  
But you know that I will run  
You know that I will follow you

These tears I've cried  
I've cried 1000 oceansAnd if I'm floating  
In the darkness  
Well I can't believe that I would keep,  
Keep you from flying.  
So I will cry 1000 more if that's  
What it takes to sail you home,  
Sail you home, sail you home."

"Wow..." Craig marveled.

I was surprised, too. Ellie has the best voice I've ever heard in my life. I almost feel stupid for wanting to go in there and open my mouth after hearing her.

"Ellie... Oh my God..." Miss Beeker was at a loss for words. She just kept opening and closing her mouth. Finally, she broke out into peals of laughter. "Ellie! That was amazing! I _knew_ you could do it!"

Ellie seemed less than pleased. "I really have to be getting home."

"But, Ellie!"

"No, really. Listen, I did it for you. Now do this for me: don't bug me about singing ever again, okay?"

"But..."

"No! I don't like singing. So don't even try." She grabbed her coat and backpack and Craig and I scrambled across the hallway to get away from the door. We peered out of a practice room as she stormed out the door. Wow. She was not happy at all.

Craig pinched my arm and I looked up at him. "That was more than amazing, Manny."

"I know. Why doesn't she like singing? If I had a voice like that I would be showing it off to everyone!"

Craig's eyes grew misty and he appeared lost in thought. Oh no. What was he thinking?

He snapped his fingers. "She should sing for my band. With me, of course. We'd be great. Can you imagine?"

"Yeah, you guys would be awesome. But didn't you just hear her? She's not singing. Ever."

Craig crossed his arms over his chest and gave me a cocky look. "Oh, we'll see about that..."

I did not like that tone.

**Wow. POV from Manny. Random, I know. But I kind of foreshadowed a connection in Fall to Pieces. I also mentioned Ellie being bored with her life and needing a new hobby in one of the first chapters of this story. She may have found it... So, look for Craig's POV next chapter. Also, the party at the frat and Sean has had enough of Marco and Ashley...**

**Also, I hope I don't have to say this but this is all from my imagination and hopefully no one is using some details/occurences from my story and putting them in theirs. Just thought I might say that.**


	15. Disarm You With A Smile

**Chapter 15: Disarm You With A Smile**

**Ellie's POV**

Finally, finally, finally! It's the weekend. I don't think I've ever been this happy for it to

be the weekend, but after a week's worth of hateful stares, it's the best thing to happen to me in a long time. As soon as I left the school building, I whipped out my cell phone and called Dan. He was supposed to borrow his friend's car and come pick me up for the weekend.

I know, I know... I just got into trouble for being at his apartment for a few days, but it's the weekend- meaning no school. Thank God my Saturday detentions wouldn't start until next weekend. If I had to spend one more minute in school, I'd probably scream. And cry. And every other embarrassing thing I could possibly do.

I got off the phone with Dan and waited in front of the building like he told me to do. He said he'd be here any second... so where was he? I tapped my foot impatiently and checked my watch.

"What's wrong?"

I turned around and smiled at Sean. "Waiting for a ride."

"Oh, cool. Who's picking you up?"

"A friend."

"Dan?"

"Yeah..."

"Are you going to come back to school on Monday or should I be prepared in case Mr. Radditch decides to interrogate me next?"

I gave Sean a smirk. "You're so funny."

"Anyway, I'll call you later. Bye."

"Bye."

I watched as his figure retreated. Why was somebody as good as him caught up with someone as vile as Darcy? I can't believe the things she said about me the other day. In front of everyone. It was so embarrassing. A car horn honked and I jumped in the air.

Dan started laughing and kissed me on the cheek when I got into the car. "A little jumpy today?"

I smacked his hand away as he tried to tickle me and pulled down the mirror. "Let's just get out of here. I hate this place so much."

" I can't wait to get you back to my apartment. The entire weekend to ourselves. You told your parents, right?"

"Whatever, they're going to Las Vegas for the weekend. Something about gambling therapy. I don't know..."

Dan frowned and glanced at me quickly. "Do they do this often? Go away and leave you all alone?"

I flipped the mirror back up and looked out the window. "Sometimes."

"Ready to party?"

"Most definitely, sir."

We smiled at each other and I leaned my head against my elbow. _Maybe I should have invited Sean to the party..._ I shook my head at the thought and grimaced. That would mean Darcy would be coming. I wouldn't have been able to take that. I thought back to the things she had said to me in the cafeteria... _Ugly-ass bitch... Are you going to cut me now..._ She was such an ugly person. Why was Sean involved with someone like that? I entwined my fingers with Dan's free hand and smiled. At least I found someone worthy of my attention.

**Paige's POV**

I sat down on Ashley's couch and flipped my hair over my shoulder. "So, what's going tonight you guys?"

Marco was staring off in space and Ashlee just mumbled something incoherent. Oookay. They were a big help. "Okay, I know you guys are still upset about what happened in the cafeteria the other day, but I'm sure Ellie's over it. She looked fine yesterday."

I probably sounded cold-hearted saying that, but there was nothing anyone could do to erase what happened. What Darcy had done was horrible. Calling Ellie out like that. Not even I would do that... well... maybe if I was faced with the situation I would but... not to someone like Ellie. Really. I must admit, I can't stand that girl, but I also have a soft-spot for her. I mean, she _cuts_. There's got to be something wrong if she does that.

Marco sighed and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Is it wrong for me to totally feel sorry for her when she said that shit to me?"

"No."

"Yes," I replied over Ashley. "Ellie said some horrible stuff to you."

"Yeah, but..."

"But what?"

"Nothing. You're right. She deserved it."

I smiled and wrapped my arms around Ashley's shoulders. "Okay, so what are we doing tonight?"

Ashley and Marco gave each other a look and then looked at me. "Well..." Ashley started out.

Marco interjected, "Ashley and I were kind of going to go to a party."

"Ooh! A party! I can't wait. What should I wear?" I put a finger up to my chin and tapped thoughtfully.

"Well," Ashley cleared her throat. "We didn't know you'd want to go. I mean, we got invited, but you..."

"Didn't," I finished for her. How do you like that? Since when am I the social outcast? "Who's party is it?" Surely, anybody from our school would want me to come.

"Dan's fraternity."

"You're going to a college party without me!" I shrieked. This was no fair. Why couldn't I go?

Ashley looked at Marco and he shrugged. "Well, I'm sure you can come. It's not like they're handing out written invitations or anything.

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest. I'm sorry, but I'm still a bit miffed about what had just gone on. Why _woudln't_ I be invited to a cool, frat party? Hello! I'm Paige Michaelchuk!

"You're sure I look okay?" I whispered to Ashley as we walked up the sidewalk to the house.

"Yes! That's the twelfth time you've asked me since we left my house!" Wow. Someone was ticked off.

Yum. All those college boys! I know, I know, I have Spinner. And I still haven't forgotten about the evil situation with Dean, but a girl can flirt, can't she? I glanced down at my light blue pants and cream colored shirt. Yeah, I'm a total catch! Now, let's just hope everyone else thinks so, too.

We entered the house after convincing some meat head that we really were invited. I had to do a little shimmy when I saw all the cute guys. So this is what I had been missing out on. Why was _Ellie Nash_ hanging out with all these hotties and not me? Speak of the devil...

**Ellie's POV**

I grabbed Dan's hand and held it as we walked down the stairs to the party. He grabbed a bottle of vodka and shook it in front of me. Laughing, I grabbed it from him and took a swig. It burned my throat as it went down, but it felt good. It felt nice to not be inhibited. Dan twirled me around and we started dancing pressed up against each other. For once, I felt completely carefree. With Dan, I didn't have to worry about anybody or anything. I could just party and have fun and not think about things that were going on in my life.

Dan spun around and did a crazy dance move from like the nineties and I stumbled back laughing. Dan's friend Chris caught my arms and held me steady. "Hey, Nash! You're already sloppy!"

I giggled, but didn't say anything.

"Your friends are here."

_My friends are here?_ What friends? I turned around to look at him and I followed his finger. Who was he pointing at? When the crowd cleared away and I saw _them_, my heart jumped into my throat. What were they doing here? And they brought _Paige_? I blinked my eyes a few times, but they were still there. Still drinking from their cups and laughing with Jeff White and Marcus Freeland.

Paige was looking at me. She was the first out of the three to notice me and she quickly jabbed Ashley and Marco in the ribs, causing them to look my way. Embarrassed I turned around quickly to make a quick getaway, but instead I managed to fall on my hands and knees.

"Woah!" Dan bent over to help me up and I clung to him as he brought me to my feet. "I think you're done drinking for the night."

"What time is it?"

"It's only ten."

"Then I'm not finished!" How could I be finished partying at _ten_?

"You've been drinking since noon. I think you're finished."

I tried to think back that far, but, no matter what, I couldn't. I couldn't remember anything that had just happened except that I had fallen after seeing Marco and Ashley and...ugh... Paige.

"Come on, let me put you in bed."

"NO!" I pushed myself off of him and fell back into a wall. "I'm fine." I pushed my bangs off of my forehead and stood up straight. "See?"

"Sure. Okay, but... no more drinking, okay?" Dan gave me a melting smile.

"Sure!" I chirped back. Moments later as he walked away, I grabbed a bottle of rum off of the nearby table and took a few drinks. What Dan doesn't know, won't hurt him.

**Dan's POV**

"You guys actually came?" I looked at Ashley and Marco incredulously. I can't believe they came. After everything that happened between Ellie and them, they had the nerve to show up here when they _knew_ she'd be here.

"It's a free world. We can do what we want!" Some blonde haired chick piped in. I had no idea who she was, nor did I really care. I curled my lip at her and took a gulp of my beer. I didn't even know this girl and she was already bugging the shit out of me.

"Yeah, well, you hurt Ellie, so I don't want you here."

"You've known Ellie for what? Five minutes?" Ashley snapped. She shook her head and looked away, a grimace on her face.

Marco kept staring at his feet. The wimp couldn't even look at me. I pushed his shoulder. "You want to say something to me, Marco?"

He finally looked up at me in disbelief. "You weren't there. You didn't see how she was. She's _not_ okay. You really should be looking out for her."

"Don't tell me what I should and shouldn't do. She's my girlfriend. I know her."

Marco bit his lip and looked like he was about to say something us, but then stopped himself. "Whatever, I'm out of beer." The three of them left to go refill their cups and I grabbed Jeff's arm. "Listen, make sure they don't go near Ellie, okay?" Jeff nodded and I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette. If I have any say in it, those three losers will be swiftly kicked out on their ass.

"Mmm..." Ellie moaned softly as I picked her up from the floor. She must have passed out towards the end of the party. Things had pretty much died down and it was only me and my fraternity brothers hanging around with a small group of friends. A few guys that I know from work were playing beer pong on the other side of the room. I asked Marcus if he'd bring up a bottle of Tylenol soon and he nodded before going back to building a pyramid out of the empty beer cans.

"Where am I?" she murmured when I set her down on a bed. Jeff had offered us his room that night.

I brushed my hand over her hair and kissed her forehead. "In bed. We're going to bed now."

"I'm not tired! I want to go have fun!" Ellie protested. She tried to sit up but she swayed back and forth before falling back down on the bed.

"Here you go, party girl!" Marcus threw a bottle of Tylenol from the doorway and I caught it. "Night, party girl!"

Ellie groaned and brought a hand up to her head. "Am I seriously known as 'party girl'?"

I chuckled and pulled the blankets up over her. "You sure are... party girl..."

**Sean's POV**

I slid next to Ellie on the bench in the park and stretched my arms out on the back. "What are you doing?"

She shrugged and took her sucker out of her mouth. "Nothing really... Just not really looking forward to going home."

"Mom trouble?" I didn't even really have to ask her that question, I already knew the question. But I knew I had to ask it if I wanted her to talk about it.

"Yeah... kind of... Trouble with everything really."

"Care to talk about it? I don't have anywhere to be."

"You don't have to go and do Darcy's bidding?"

"Haha," I laughed sarcastically. "She's really not that bad, believe me."

I looked at Ellie earnestly and she burst out laughing. "Why do you care what I think about Darcy anyway?"

I leaned over with my elbows on my knees and clasped my hands together. "Well, you know you're opinion is important to me. I just wish you guys could be friends. I really want that."

Ellie raised an eyebrow and stared at me as if I was crazy. After a few minutes she gave me a little smile and put a hand on my arm. "You're right. She's really not bad."

Her words sounded forced, but just her saying them put me to ease fast. I grinned. "Well, how about we continue our talk over on the swings?"

She cocked an eyebrow and looked over at the small swing set. "You're on!"

We ran over to the swing set and each grabbed a swing. I quickly began pumping my legs to get high, but Ellie swung more leisurely. "I used to love to swing. My dad would put me in our swing set in the backyard and just push me as high as I wanted to go. My mom used to video tape us because each time we'd go on some new adventure. One day it was flying to Japan and the next day I was Superwoman. She said it was her favorite time of the day- seeing my dad and I swinging." She looked at her feet and then back up at me. "How things change, huh?"

"Yeah, I know what you mean. My parents weren't always screw-ups. They used to be good parents. We never had a lot of money or anything, but they tried really hard to give me and Tracker whatever we wanted. But we never really wanted much. We knew about the situation."

I can't believe I just said that out loud. I've never gone into full detail of my life back in Wasaga with anyone except the select few: Emma, Mr. Simpson, and my shop teacher Mr. Ehl. Not even Jay, who could probably sympathize with me the most... I looked down at the sand underneath my feet and thought back to what my life used to be like. Living with three other people in a trailer, the bullying at school, my mom's miscarriage, my parents starting to drink afterwards... I almost feel ashamed at how hard I was on my parents. They really did try, they just got lost after Samantha died.

Ellie smirked and started to draw pictures in the sand with the toe of her shoe. "I was a spoiled little brat when I was little... Well, I wasn't a _brat_. I was a sweet kid. But I was spoiled. My dad would give me anything I wanted, no matter what." She paused. And then let out a little laugh. "I remember my mom used to complain how my dad couldn't say 'no' to me, but she was just as bad. She would give me anything I wanted to, but she would say 'don't tell your dad!'."

I swung sideways to tap Ellie's swing with mine. "Wow... I never would have thought that about you..." I joked.

She punched my shoulder playfully and I bent my head down to try and bite her fist, but I missed. "You already know everything about me, though, Sean. I want to hear more about you."

I noticed how her voice had changed. She really didn't like talking about her past. Part of me wanting to probe her, to try and get her to talk about what happened to her to make her so... so... _lost. _So angry with herself. What makes her hurt herself. But if I know anything, I know not to push Ellie.

"What do you want to know?"

"Anything... tell me anything... tell me the most trivial thing ever. I need to hear something that, for once, is not deep and is simple."

"I like dogs."

Ellie beamed and played with the hem of her skirt. "I _love_ dogs. My mom never let me get one, though, because they were too dirty. My dad tried to get me one, but my mom had the final say."

"Yeah, I had a dog once- Charley... I had to leave him behind in Wasaga Beach. I really miss him." I blushed at how emotional I sounded. But I do. I loved that dog.

"I always wanted a German Shepard."

"Mine was a Springer Spaniel."

I got out of my swing and stood behind Ellie, slightly pushing her every once in awhile. She leaned back and looked upside down at me. "Do you want to do homework with me tonight? I don't really feel like being alone at my house with my mom."

I looked down at her and the hopeful look on her face. How could I say no to her? "Sure. Let's go."

I stopped the swing and stepped back as she executed a back flip out of the swing.

"Wow, I didn't know you could do that," I stuffed my hands in my pockets.

She jabbed me in the side with her elbow. "Sean, you _know_ how flexible I am..." she murmured in a suggestive voice.

My eyes widened and she burst out laughing before running ahead of me. I ran to catch up with her and grabbed her around the waist, lifting her above my head and running down the sidewalk towards her house. She shrieked and told me to let her go, but I chose to ignore her. Finally, after two blocks I set her back down on her feet and she punched me playfully in the arm... again.

This is what I need. Someone who I can actually goof off with, be immature with, be like a kid with... Jay's great. I always have fun when I hang out with him and Towerz and the boys, but things with Ellie are different. I don't have to always act like I'm so tough. I can just be myself.

**Hope you guys like the chapter! I'll try and add Jay and Alex's POV next time. Sometimes I find it hard to write from their POV's, but I'll try. Thanks for all the great reviews!**


	16. You and Me Song

**Chapter 16: You and Me Song**

**Ellie's POV**

I twirled around as Sean and I walked up my driveway and breathed in the fresh air. Why is it that when I'm with Sean I feel like nothing can hurt me? As I twirled, Sean grabbed me around the waist and lifted me up off of the ground. We did a beautiful ballet move and then he placed me carefully back on my face. "Merci beaucoup! Mon petit danseur..." God, we were so dramatic.

Sean made a face at me calling him a ballet dancer and reached out to tickle me, but I averted his outstretched hands. I noticed my parents' cars parked outside and kept myself from groaning. Who knows what they would do or say when they saw Sean.

"I'm home!" I called out after entering into the foyer. Sean shuffled in behind me and closed the door. I could tell that he was a little nervous. After all, he was the boy who broke my heart.

My mom appeared from the kitchen with the phone in her hands. Her eyes narrowed a bit when she saw Sean, but she handed me the phone. "Ta grand-mere!" she whispered.

I took the phone eagerly and held it up to my ear. "Salut maman!... Oui!... Eh, comme ci comme ca. D'ac... Oh! Vraiment? Bien sur! Je t'aime!... Salut grand-pere! Bien. Et toi? Bon. D'accord! Toi aussi. Bye-bye!" I handed the phone back to my mom and she immediately started running her mouth off in French.

I turned to Sean and he just shook his head in amazement. "I can barely speak English and there you are speaking French fluently."

"Mes grand-... My grandparents live in France. I can't help it."

"I wasn't saying it like it was bad. I think it's cool."

"Okay, we should get our homework out of the way." I grabbed his hand and pulled him up the stairs behind me. I don't really know _why_ I grabbed his hand, he would have followed me up anyway, but I just did. "Excuse the mess in my room. I don't really find the time to ever clean up."

"Yeah, I love how you find the time to alphabetize my CD collection, my videos and DVDs, my food... but not enough time to pick up... Shit..." Sean's eyes widened at the mess in my room and he doubled over with laughter. "You're room is worse than my entire apartment put together!"

"But it's a clean mess! I know where everything is. So all is okay." I kicked at a pile of clothes until they were in the corner of my room. Okay, now I just had to sweep everything off my bed and we could get to working.

Wait.

Working on my bed? Would that sound to much like I was trying to get him _into _bed? I don't want Sean to think I'm still interested in him. Dan and I are great together. There's no way I'm messing that up.

"Who's this?" Sean held up a picture of me and Dan that was taken at a party.

I took the frame and set it back down on my dresser. "My boyfriend, Dan."

"Oh..." Sean sucked on the inside of his cheek and watched me as I straightened my room up a little. "You guys met at a party, right?"

"Yeah."

"He's in college?"

"Sean, you know this!"

"I forgot!"

"Yeah, well, he's great. A real sweetheart."

"Yeah, if you like that type..."

I gave him a look and grabbed a few cokes from the mini-fridge in my room. "And what type is that? The tall, dark, handsome type?"

Sean rolled his eyes and took the Coke from my hand. "No, the older, skeezy, scruffy type."

"He is not scruffy! _You're_ scruffy!" I ruffled his hair and he whacked at my hand.

I watched as Sean fell backwards onto my bed and rested his head on my pillow. "Mind if I take a nap instead of do my homework?"

I smirked at him. "Get out your books!" I ordered.

He reached over the side of the bed to open his backpack, but stopped when his eyes rested on my night stand. He picked up another framed picture and smiled at it. "And who's this?" he asked, his eyes twinkling.

I had to keep myself from blushing. So I had still had a picture of me and Sean on my night stand... What was wrong with that? "That's my friend, Sean. You might have heard of him."

"He's hot!" Sean quipped. I almost shuddered at how "teenybopper" he sounded.

I giggled and threw myself on the bed next to him. "Nah, I always had to tweeze his eyebrows..."

Sean shut his eyes and made a painful face. "Remember the time you poured that _hot_, _steaming_ _wax_ on my face?"

"You flinched! It was only supposed to be on your eyebrows!"

"_You_ said it would feel _good_!"

"So, I'm a liar... It was a state of emergency. I couldn't tell if I was kissing a boy or a gorilla half the time."

Sean rubbed his face with his hands and shuddered. "My face killed after that. And I barely had any eyebrows left."

"You shouldn't have flinched."

"You drew eyebrows on me, Ellie, with _makeup_."

"You shouldn't have flinched!" I replied matter-of-factly.

Sean grabbed a throw pillow and hit me in the face with it. I grabbed the pillow away from him and placed it under my head.

"So, remember the time you watched me as I tumbled over that stool? You _knew_ it was there and you just watched me as I fell. It doesn't get much worse than that."

"Remember that time you threw the gallon of milk at me because I left it out?"

"Yeah, for _two hours!_"

"Well, remember that time-..."

"You spilled beer all over my essay?" I interrupted.

Sean shrugged and put his hands behind his head. "You had an extra copy. No big deal."

"No big deal? Well, remember the time-..."

"I trusted you with the keys to my apartment and you locked us out? Or the time you brought _Marco_ on our date? Or the time you pushed me out into the cold with only boxers on? Or the time you snapped my cd because I was listening to my music instead of you? Or how about the time-..."

I sighed, "Okay, okay, okay... I get it. I was a horrible girlfriend. Let's just do our homework."

Sean smiled and looked at me. "You weren't a horrible girlfriend. You were the best I ever had."

**Jay's POV**

All of a sudden, my life has become endless sunshine, rainbows, and kitty-cats. Sean and Ellie are getting along better than ever. They're really taking this whole friendship thing past acquaintance and diving into utter creepiness. It's like they're joined at the hip or something. Every time I call him, it's "I'm hanging out with Ellie right now" or "Can Ellie and Marco come along" or "I promised Ellie I'd do some extra reading tonight...". Okay, I made up the last excuse, but, sooner or later, I'll be hearing it. I know I will. And that makes me want to puke.

Hey, but having Ellie around does reap its benefits. Her and Alex get along, and a happy Alex means a very happy Jay. Ellie's not _that_ bad, I suppose. She can be pretty cool. I appreciate her wicked sense of humor. Especially since Darcy, Sean's latest squeeze, has basically none.

Darcy's a nice girl, too, but just not like us. She's way too... popular. She hangs out with the Chantay girl. I hate the Chantay girl. Her voice is like nails down a chalkboard. I've had to sit through entire lunches listening to Chantay complain about something Paige did at cheerleading practice. Too bad they're still not friends with Manny Santos. Now there's a nice piece of ass I wouldn't mind hanging around the table. That is, if I wasn't so completely devoted to Alex. Which I am. Scout's honor.

I do kind of feel for Sean, though. He has it rough- trying to balance both Ellie and Darcy. The two girls hate each other's guts. Of course, Ellie acts as if she's totally fine with Darcy and vice versa, but it's all some sort of act for Sean's sake. I'm just glad Darcy doesn't have the same lunch period we do. That would be _hell_. Just her being in our same lunch period that one day proved to be rather hellish. Thank God combined lunches only happen on half-days.

So now Sean, Alex, Ellie, and I are sitting at a picnic table enjoying our lunch. Sean and Ellie keep cracking little jokes towards each other. He can't even keep his hands off of her. He's constantly tickling her or tugging on her hair or some other nauseating act. And Ellie's always punching him playfully or knocking his head with hers. Sometimes I just want to remind them that I'm trying to eat here.

"Yo, Jay! Did you not hear Ellie?" Alex kicked me under the table and nodded her head towards Miss Nash.

"Huh?"

"My boyfriend's hosting a party in his apartment. I said you guys should come."

"When?"

"Saturday night."

"Can't. I have _previous_ _engagements_." Code word for I was stealing something that night.

Alex rolled her eyes and shrugged, "I should be able to make it. I just have to make sure I don't work."

"I can go."

Of course Sean could go. Why wasn't he doing anything with Darcy? Oh yeah, that's right... He's secretly still in love with Ellie. But can anyone else see that? No. Of course not. Everyone else is blind. Sometimes it sucks being the only one to notice these things.

**Alex's POV**

"Are you going to that party tomorrow night?" Jay squeezed my shoulder and kissed the base of my neck.

"I can't. I'm working and need the money."

"When do you get off work? Maybe we can hang out...?"

I smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I should be off at 1:00. I can stop over afterwards, if you'd like."

"Oh, I'd like very, very much!" Jay made kissy faces at me and I kissed his hard on the lips. Sometimes this jerk was just too irresistible.

I pulled away and watched over his shoulder at Sean and Ellie. There they were again. Talking, laughing... Ellie pushed him a little and he stumbled backwards laughing. They were... and I can't believe I'm saying this... adorable. There's just no other way to put it. Adorable. So why can't Sean just get it through his thick skull that he belongs with her?

As if on cue, as soon as Ellie walked away from Sean, Darcy bounded up to him. That girl and I just don't click. I can appreciate the bitchiness qualities in her. But I'll never like her as much as I like Ellie. It's just a fact.

"Looks like Darcy and Sean are fighting..." I looked up at Jay and noticed that he was watching them too.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Or not." We watched as Darcy kissed Sean and he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer. Somehow, that move gave me the reflex to gag.

"Okay, well I have to go see Mr. Simpson about a grade before he leaves. I'll call you later." I kissed Jay on the cheek and retreated back into the school building.

"I have to work." I adjusted the phone under my chin and pulled my hair up into a ponytail.

"Great. It looks like I'll be going alone."

"Isn't Sean going?"

"No. Him and Darcy made plans. They need some 'alone time'... Whatever that means."

I laughed, "It means they're getting busy tonight."

"Ugh. The thought of her getting busy with anyone repulses me."

I smirked at Ellie's totally jealous tone of voice. "Yeah, well I have to go now. But have fun at the party. I'll call you tomorrow or something."

"Okay, bye."

"Bye."

I set the phone back in it's receiver and grabbed my visor for work. Time for yet another amazing night at work with the evil witch Meeri. That woman makes me yak.

**Ellie's POV**

I tipped my head back and took my twelfth shot of the night. Glancing in the mirror above Dan's bar, I grimaced. Since when did I become my mother? Pretty soon I'd be checking myself into a rehab center.

"Having fun?" Dan leaned over the bar and grabbed a bottle of Whiskey.

"Oh, just loads!" I responded sarcastically. "Not only has my boyfriend ignored me all night, but I can't help just enjoy watching countless girls throw themselves on him!"

Okay, so I was bitter. _Very_ bitter.

"I can't help it,okay? I'm the host. I have to make sure everybody has a good time."

"It's a party and everyone's drunk. I think everyone's doing just peachy!" I pushed my response out through gritted teeth. I was drunk and starting to get very pissed off.

"Why don't you lay off the drinks? You look like a fucking alcoholic."

I glanced around the spot I had claimed for myself at the bar. Feeling lonely I had retreated to this stool and had occupied it the entire time I had been here. So what if I had two empty bottles of tequila, six empty beer cans, and a half-gone bottle of vodka in front of me? It's not like I drank all that tequila by myself. "If you really cared, _Mom_, you'd be taking care of me now. You'd be watching me. But you really don't care. You just can't wait to get some tonight."

"What are you _talking_ about? I can't even talk to you. You're not making sense." Dan turned around to leave but I grabbed a hold of the bottom of his shirt and held tight.

"Don't turn away from me!" I screeched. "All I want is for you to spend some time with me!"

"And I _have_! But all you've been doing is bitching about how nobody likes you and how everyone gives you evil looks. Well, maybe you deserve those evil looks! Maybe you deserve everyone hating you!"

His words stung me. I felt like I had just had the wind knocked out of me. "Bastard!" I hissed and pulled myself off of my stool. I just wanted to lock myself in the bathroom the rest of the night.

I walked into the bathroom in Dan's bedroom and slammed the door behind me. I wasn't satisfied so I opened it up and slammed it again. And again. And again. I hope he can hear me slamming his stupid door. I hope the wood fucking splinters. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub and dropped my head in my hands. How could he say it was all my fault that everyone was mean to me? I didn't do anything. So I had been a little tipsy and had gone off on Marco. Anyone in my situation would have too. I'm sick of everyone treating me like I'm some little kid who constantly needs to be looked after and coddled. _But then don't you get angry if no one pays attention to you? If no one coddles you? Didn't you just want Dan to spend every minute with you just now?_ I cringed at my conscious and sniffed. Like was so freaking hard.

My eyes dropped to my arms and in seconds I tore off my arm warmers. It's not my fault that I'm completely void of any feeling. That I'm numb. I can't help that this is the only way to get some sort of emotional reaction out of me. I've accepted it. This is who I am. Everyone else just needs to get used to it.

I reached towards the sink and grabbed Dan's razor before sitting indian-style on the floor. Just one little cut and it would all be fine. Just a tiny little nick. No one would be able to tell except for me. After this, everything will be okay and I can go back to the party and be the perfect girlfriend.

I drug the razor across an old scar, reopening the wound. Blood bubbled to the surface and I gasped at the sudden wave of emotions that filled me. I could actually _feel_ something. Even if it was pain, it was something. And I could feel it. Just imagine, if this one little cut could get me this high, what would happen if I made another one?

I knew full well what would happen. I was just trying to justify cutting again. I was acting as if this was the first time I'd ever done it. As if I didn't know that if I made another cut it'd feel even better. I took the razor across another closed would and watched it slowly turn red.

"Ellie, I'm sorry. Are you o- What the hell!" Dan stormed through the doorway and grabbed the razor out of my hand. "What the fuck are you doing!"

I tried to hide the cuts, but it was no use. He had already caught me red-handed. "I-I-it's not what you think."

I sounded so stupid.

"It's not what I think! You're _cutting_ yourself! You told me you didn't do that! You told me it was a year since you had last... You're just a liar!" Dan was pacing back and forth in the tiny bathroom, going completely crazy.

I tried to stand up, to comfort him, to control him, but something wouldn't let me. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and glared at me. "Get out..." he murmured in a low voice.

"What?"

"Just... just GET OUT!" He grabbed me by the upper arm and pushed me through the doorway.

"I can't just leave!"

"No, get out! You fucking loony! Get the hell out of my place!" He screamed in my face.

I saw at once how scared he looked. He looked like he was going to break down any second. He really did care about me. I tried to say something... something along the lines of "I'll never do it again" or "I'm going to get help", but I couldn't. I'd just be lying again.

"Get out. I don't want to see you again."

I winced at how harsh his voice sounded. He was serious. He wasn't just kidding around. The expression on his face told me everything.

"But-..."

"I_ never_ want to hear from you again. You are nothing but _crazy_." The way he said that word. Crazy. It made me flinch.

How dare he call me crazy? I _wasn't_ crazy. He just didn't understand anything. He lied to me. He said he understood. He doesn't. He never will. "Fine!" I choked out.

I grabbed my stuff and ran out of that apartment as fast as I could. Reaching the outside, the cold air hit me like a pile of bricks and I shivered. I pulled my coat on, but it didn't help much. It was freezing outside, I couldn't even walk a straight line, I didn't bring a purse with me... What was I supposed to do?

Maybe I could try and find Dylan's dorm. I squinted in the night and looked around me. Everything was just too blurry. I tried to make it to a small bench alongside the street but even that was swaying way too much for my taste. I settled for the ground.

Tears found their way down my cheek and I leaned over and buried my face in my arms and sobbed. I was a wreck. I know drinking can make some people emotional, but this wasn't like that. I seriously felt like I was having some sort of nervous breakdown.

I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out my cell phone. There was only one person I could call right now. I dialed the number and placed the phone against my ear. _Please answer. Please answer. Please answer._

**Marco's POV**

"Hello?" I mumbled into my phone. Who the hell was calling at this time? I hadn't even bothered to check my caller I.D..

"Marco?" I heard a tiny voice choke out.

I jumped out of bed and grabbed the nearest clothes to me. "Ellie? Are you okay? Where are you? What's wrong?" The questions flew out of my mouth.

"I'm-I'm- Marco, I really need you right now."

"Okay, Elle. I'm coming. Where are you?"

"At Dan's apartment."

Her voice was barely above a whisper and I could tell that she was crying. The thought of Ellie crying, of her _sobbing_, made tears prick my eyes. I squeezed my eyes shut and forced them back. "I'll be right there."

I parked in the parking lot across from Dan's apartment. I can't believe I'm back here. I jumped out of my car and ran across the street. And almost right into Ellie.

"Jesus, Elle! What's going on?" I knelt down in front of her and pulled her to an upright position.

She grasped onto my arms and her body started shaking. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

I pulled her halfway into my lap and wrapped my arms around her tightly. "Shh... It's okay. It's going to be okay. I'm here with you now."

"Thanks, Marco."

I kissed her forehead and leaned her head against my chest. "What are best friends for?"

**I hope I didn't make the ending of this chapter too mushy... I kind of went through the week fast but whatevs. Thanks for the awesome reviews! Yay! Next chapter look for Marco/Ellie bonding... Even some Marco/Sean bonding... and, of course, Sean/Ellie bonding. Lots of bonding. It'll be more of a light chapter. **


	17. Between Days

**Chapter 17: Between Days**

**Marco's POV**

"Shh... I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." At that moment, as I held Ellie against me, I was reminded of the time Jimmy found me in the park after being bashed. He had held me, much in this same fashion, and had said those same words to me.

Ellie grabbed little handfuls of my shirt and pulled herself closer to me. I've never seen her like this before. She's so... vulnerable right now. My arms wrapped around her, it's almost like I can _feel_ her breaking down. Brushing her hair away from her face, I looked deep in her eyes and cradles her face in my hands. "I'm going to take you home with me, okay?"

She nodded slightly and I helped her get to her feet. She threw her weight on me and, sadly, I could hardly feel it. I've helped plenty of drunk friends before. I've had to drag Craig before... I've had to drag Hazel... It always felt like a load of bricks, but not with Ellie. I helped Ellie get into the van and put her seatbelt on for her, closing the door behind me. As I turned away from the door to walk to the driver's side, I felt a single tear slide its way down my cheek.

"Marco..."

"Elle, we'll talk in the morning, okay? Just go back to sleep," I whispered into her ear. She looked up at me with her big hazel eyes and I felt a tug at my heart.

She was a mess. She had cried the entire way home and nothing I said or did calmed her down. She just kept _crying_. It's like she'd held everything in for so long and now it was all just spilling out. I don't think she can control it. And then she had apologized up and down for what she said to me. Hearing her sob out her apology had been way too much for me. I had taken a hold of one of her hands and just held it as we drove home.

I sat in my chair in the corner of my room in the dark and watched Ellie toss and turn a bit before falling asleep... or passing out. Either way, she was getting rest. And she was calm now. I should have known that I could never turn my back on her. I had tried desperately to remain angry with her. To hate her. But I _can't_. But I did ignore her. Everyone ignored her.

And then Sean put me in my place.

FLASHBACK

"You know, you could treat Ellie a little better than you are now."

I turned around at my gym locker and gawked at Sean. "You have some nerve coming in here and telling me how to treat Ellie. You weren't here. You didn't hear any of the shit she said to me."

"Yeah, but did you ever stop to think about _why_ she was upset with you?"

"What are you talking about!" I yelled. I was getting sick of this little mind game Sean was playing with me.

Sean sat down on the gym bench. "Don't get all bitchy on me, Marco. I'm just trying to set things straight."

"Okay, if you think you can do that... Then try."

"Fine. _Ellie_ has always done _anything_ and _everything_ for you. And you? _You_ are nothing but a selfish, whiny asshole who takes advantage of her!"

I scowled. "And how do I take-..."

"You led her on, making her think you like her. You _used_ her to look good in front of all the guys. The entire time you had suspicion that you were gay, but did you even stop to think about what Ellie was feeling? No! You just went ahead and dated her, making her think you guys had a chance, and she was in love with you, man! She _loved_ you. And you fucking have the balls to ask her to _pretend_ to be your girlfriend? Any other girl would have dropped you on your ass, would have told the entire school your little secret, but did Ellie? No, she pretended to be your girlfriend for a year. That was a year of her life wasted because you were too pussy to admit that you're gay. You let Paige and Spinner and all them insult her every chance they could. And once she got sick of pretending, you got pissed at her. Can you blame her? Her best friend was using her."

"But-..."

"No buts! She helped you come out and you gave her no respect for that. If it weren't for Ellie, you'd probably still be in the closet. She'd still have her on your fucking leash. And then, once everyone knows your gay and you start dating Dylan, you ditch her for the popular crowd. But did she get angry with you? No. She never did. _I_ knew before _you_ did that she was cutting. How sad is that, Marco!"

"That's not fair!"

"No, what isn't fair is the way you just take and take from her and you never give back anything in return."

"Ellie never asked for anything in return!" I bellowed. My words echoed in the empty locker room.

Sean smirked and stood up. "Exactly," he spat.

I immediately felt two inches tall. Why was I letting some screw-up tell me that I was wrong? _Because he's right_. I licked my lips nervously and tried to think of some explanation... _anything_ to say back to him, but I couldn't.

"Next time you decide to ditch Ellie, remember that she has always been there for you. She has helped you through everything. And you only come around to give her a hard time about partying or not eating right or... You can't pick and choose what day you're going to be friends with Ellie, Marco. Okay? It's a full-time commitment."

"Like you know anything about commitment," I replied bitterly. Who was he to sit here and chastize me about commitment?

Sean stepped back, obviously stung a little by my words. He immediately replaced his shocked expression with one of apathy. "I'm not trying to mess with you here, Marco. I just think you're making a big mistake. Being angry with Ellie like this. Hating her like this."

He was almost out the door before my voice found itself. "I don't hate her. I could never hate her."

He turned around and I continued. "I love Ellie. It's just really hard right now, okay? If she needed me, I'd be there for her in an instant."

"She needs you."

END OF FLASHBACK

**Ellie's POV**

I yawned and stretched my arms out in bed. My head pounded and I groaned before flipping over on my side. What time is it? Better yet, where am I? I opened my eyes more and focused on the room I was in. No... I wasn't dreaming. I really was in Marco's room.

"You're up!" Marco appeared in the doorway carrying a tray with a coffee mug and bagel on it.

"I'm up," I repeated. I struggled to sit up in bed, but the brutal headache I was paired with was not helping matters.

"And for your recovery breakfast: coffee, a bagel, and Tylenol!" Marco set the tray down on my lap and sat on the edge of the bed.

I gave him a little smile and wrapped my cold hands around the coffee mug to warm them up. "Listen, Marco. I really want to thank you for picking me up last night and taking care of me. I shouldn't have called you. I probably made you feel obligated to come pick me up, but I honestly didn't have anyone else to call."

"Ellie, it's okay. Really." Marco reached out and squeezed my arm.

I looked down at my lap, ashamed. "I can't believe I said those things to you. I didn't mean any of it. It just... I was just having a really hard time at the moment."

"Kind of like you are now?"

"Well..."

"Ellie, you were right for yelling at me. I shouldn't just barge into your life and make decisions for you. I can't control you."

"But I didn't have to call you names."

"Let's just forget about it, okay? Really. Let's just concentrate on being best friends again."

I smiled and sipped from my coffee mug. "Mmm... you put hot chocolate in here, too!"

Marco ruffled my hair and placed a hand on my leg. "I know how you like it."

I finished the contents of the mug while picking at the bagel absentmindedly. I really am lucky to have Marco. Not many people would give me a second chance after being so insulting. I sighed and pushed the tray away. "I think I'm finished."

"You barely touched your bagel!"

"I'm really not that hungry."

Marco eyed me for a minute but moved the tray off of my lap and onto the floor. I scooted over so he could get into bed beside me and he accepted the offer.

"Do you want to talk about what happened last night?"

I bit my lip and played with Marco's hand. "Not really. At least, not right now. Can we just talk about it some other day?"

"Sure. Whatever you want."

"Thanks."

"But we are going to talk about it. And soon."

**Sean's POV**

"Ellie! Wait up!" I called out.

Ellie turned around and waited for me to catch up with her. "What are you doing?"

I shrugged and put an arm around her small shoulders. "Jay's birthday is coming up. I figured I'd get him a new CD or something."

"Aww... is Sean getting a pwesent for his bwest fwend?" she asked in a baby cute. An insanely cute baby voice.

I made a face at her and pulled her into a music shop. "Come with me. Help me pick something out."

"Help you pick something out for Jay? Yeah, I'll get right on that."

"What? Do you have something better to do?"

"Actually yes! I was going to-..."

I gave her an irresistible puppy dog face and she sighed.

"_Fine_..."

She followed me into the store and we headed over to the rap section immediately. I flipped through a few of the new releases and let out a frustrated groan. "He already _has_ all of these."

Ellie picked up a Sir-Mix-A-Lot CD and investigated the back. "Did he steal them?"

I gave her a "real funny" look. She looked up and handed me the CD. "Best Sir-Mix-A-Lot song is definitely 'resonate'."

I laughed and nodded in agreement. "I never pegged you for a Sir-Mix-A-Lot type..."

"I didn't say I liked all of his stuff. But I do like that song. It's humorous."

I walked with her over to another section of music and watched as she flipped through some CDs. She picked out a few and handed them to me. "You can always get him a classic."

I flipped through the CDs she had handed me. Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Silverchair, and Sublime. "You pick one."

She scrutinized the different CDs before finally waving the Sublime cd in front of me. "I can see Jay totally rocking out to this one."

I took the CD from her and paid for it. "Thanks for the advice. What are you doing now?"

"I was just going to go pick up a dress. My family was invited to some charity auction being held this weekend."

"Cool." Or not. It sounded completely boring to me. Good thing she had Dan to go with her.

"Do you want to come?"

"What?" What happened to Dan?

"Dan and I kind of had a fight the other night. I think we're over."

I noticed her eyes dimmed after mentioning that fact. How could I say no now? She was obviously upset about the breakup. "Sure, I'll go."

"Cool. You can just wear your outfit from Homecoming."

God, when she said Homecoming, all the memories of that night came flooding back to me. That was my first semi-formal dance at Degrassi. And I had _fun_. Weird. I remembered how beautiful she looked that night. That _dress_!

"Sean?"

"Huh?"

"I'll talk to you later, okay? I don't want you to see my dress."

"Okay, I'll call you tonight."

We hugged goodbye and I pulled out my cell phone to call Jay to come pick me up.

I kissed Darcy's cheek and smiled as she snuggled closer to me on the couch. Things have changed a lot lately. Darcy doesn't really talk about Ellie anymore, Ellie doesn't talk about Darcy. Darcy and I can actually make-out without me thinking about other girls. I think she's finally realized that Ellie and I will always be friends and she can't do anything about it.

"So, I never asked how your weekend was?" Darcy played with the watch on my wrist and looked up at me with green eyes.

"Fine. Friday I hung out with Jay and the guys. Sunday I did a little shopping and ran into Ellie. We talked. And then Jay and Towerz came over and we played video games."

"You went _shopping_?" she teased. Okay, I admit. I sounded like a complete girl saying that I did a "little shopping".

"Shut up!" I poked her in the stomach and she laughed.

"What did you and Ellie talk about?"

"She helped me pick out a CD for Jay's birthday. That's it."

"Oh."

"What?"

"Nothing!"

"Ookay..."

"Sean! I'm trying really hard here to be the current girlfriend who isn't jealous of the ex girlfriend. You're not helping, though."

I rolled my eyes and ran a hand through her hair. "Sorry. But I'm glad you're trying."

"Yeah, what's the point of arguing anymore?"

I could tell by the tone of her voice that she wasn't telling me the whole story. Something happened to make sure stop bitching about Ellie. I'm not really sure what, but I'll let it slide. Just as long as I don't have two heinous girls at each other's throat- I'm set.

Darcy stiffened and wiggled out of the crook of my arm. "Hey Sean? Can I talk to you about something?"

"Uh, sure..." Why did she have that tone of voice? Where did I know that tone of voice?

"Listen... you're a really great guy and everything. I mean, I really like hanging out with you. I have fun. It's just... I think we need to take a step back in our relationship."

"What!" I can't believe her. Take a step back in our relationship? What the hell does _that_ mean? Like a _break_!

"Like a break. Meet new people, but still remain close. We can still go out, but we can always go on a few dates with other people, too."

"Like with who? There's someone else, isn't there?" I hated the pissy tone of voice I had, but I _was pissed_. Here I am thinking how great our relationship is going, and Darcy is trying to think of a way to break it to me that she wants to date other people.

"No! Well... of course there are other people. Honestly Sean, I'm way too young to be serious. You might be into this long-term relationship stuff, but I guess I'm not really... You can't deny things haven't been very... uh... _passionate_ between us. We barely ever see each other outside a few classes at school. You're always with Jay or Ellie or..."

"Is this about Ellie?"

"No! Well... it used to be. That's what started it I think. I was getting jealous. But then after awhile, I started getting less jealous and, soon, I didn't even care. I don't even care anymore and I don't think that's a good sign. I just... I just want to have _fun_ and be carefree. You get that don't you?"

I sighed and wiped my face with my hand. All of a sudden, I was dead tired. I just wanted to go to bed. "Fine. If this is what you want. Fine."

"Good. I'm glad you're being mature about this."

Yeah, since when did _Darcy_ become the mature one in this relationship? "So, is this really a break or should we just end it all together?" _Because your last 'break' didn't work out so well_. Shut up. It did too work out well. Ellie and I are really good friends.

Darcy shrugged and I nodded. Neither of us really knew what to do. I stood up. "Well, I'll walk you home."

"It's okay. My parents said they'd come pick me up at 9 anyway."

I glanced at the clock and saw that it was 9. Good. I didn't feel like leaving the house anyway. Darcy's cell phone rang and she looked at it. "It's them. Bye, Sean. See you in school."

We gave each other an awkward hug and she left. I shut the door hard. There. Take that. I've never been a good dumpee.

**Darcy's POV**

Well, I'm glad he took that well. Really, he did better than I thought he would. But seriously, things with Sean were taking a turn towards Dullsville. No chemistry there whatsoever. He's hot and sweet and he's got that whole "bad boy" image about him, but... I don't know. Maybe I'm more into the all-American boy or the boy-next-door. Someone by the name of J.T. Yorke perhaps? What a funny little cutie!

But first things first... I have to make things right with Manny and Emma. Seriously. I messed up. Bad. I shouldn't have thrown that little scene that day. I can't believe what a bitch I was. I'd blame it on hormones and PMS, but even I can't even try and make excuses for my attitude. Ugh!

Okay, so I've always had a tiny little attitude problem. I like to gossip and talk back, but I've never been that mean before. I felt like such a little Paige-in-training... Or at least that's what I heard Emma call me the other day. From now on, I'll never be the jealous girl. I'm just not fit for that kind of lifestyle. I like to be me and be appreciated for what I have to offer, not based on someone else. Seriously, can I even compare myself to Ellie?

Let's go down the list:

She's a rebel. I'm a prep.

She's a good writer. I write crap. Seriously. I can't believe Liberty took that shit article and placed it on the front page. I can't believe we set up that whole conspiracy on Ellie.

Uh... Uh... Umm... Well, I don't really know much else about her. So I can't really make a list. But if I knew more, I'm sure I'd find differences between us. But let's think about some similarities between us now, shall we?

We both liked Sean. Well, obviously, she likes Sean more than I do.

We both don't take shit from anybody.

We both like to write. Okay, so she's better, but I _do_ like to write. I _can_ write better than that.

And... once again, not enough information about Miss Ellie Nash to draw decent conclusions.

So what am I going to do about it? Well first, I'm going to get back on the good side of Emma and Manny. Then, I'm going to use those two to get to Ellie. I don't think we'll ever be friends, but I think we can have a mutual respect for each other. At least, I hope we will.

Oh! J.T. is calling!

**Ellie's POV**

I traced the two cuts I had made at Dan's party on my arm. I am such an idiot. Why did I ruin such a good thing? I'm like a freaking masochist or something. For some reason, I like bringing pain to myself. I put myself in these situations which will surely end up bad. When will I ever learn?

I heard my mom yelling at me that dinner was ready, but I just closed my door shut and turned off the lights. With any luck, they would think I had gone somewhere. There was a pounding on the door and I sighed. No such luck. The next thing I knew my mom was breezing on into my room.

"I didn't say you could come in," I bitched.

"I don't really care," my mom replied, equally bitchy sounding. "Dinner's ready. Ellie, you really need to clean this room."

"No."

"No what?"

"No to everything."

"You're such a smart-aleck. Come on! Dinner!" She placed herself in front of my vanity and smoothed her hair back into it's low ponytail.

I sighed loudly and slammed my feet onto the ground.

"Oh, don't be so childish. I swear. I don't understand where you get this dramatic streak..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..."

I stomped down the stairs and my mom followed, fussing the entire way about how I have too many piercings in my ears and my jeans were too low-cut. God! You'd think I lived in the fucking 19th century!

"How's my baby doll?" My dad kissed the top of my head and I beamed at him.

"I'm great, daddy!" Ugh. Such a lie. My life was falling apart. My boyfriend never wants to see me again and I let my best friend see me in the middle of an emotional breakdown. Oh, and is this the first family dinner in seven months or something?

My mom placed a plate of lasagna and a bowl of salad in front of me. Ugh. I blanched at the sight of the lasagna- total carbs- and the fatty dressing on the lettuce. I used my fork and stabbed at the greens, seeing how many I could get in one stabbing.

"Stop playing with your food, Ellie."

I grimaced, but didn't stop.

"Ellie- food- mouth- chew- swallow... that's the concept."

My mom thought she was so funny. And my dad found her so charming. I watched as he chuckled and leaned over to squeeze her knee under the table. If he only knew about mom's habits while he was gone. If he knew what he left me with when he went away.

"Mom? Is that wine you're drinking?" I opened my eyes wide and looked innocent.

My dad gave us a weird look. My mom swallowed hard and raised an eyebrow at me. I arched mine right back. If she was going to get on my case, I'd get on hers.

"You're right," my mom replied. She looked at my dad. "I said I was going to start drinking more water." She emptied her wine glass and filled it with chilled water instead.

Good. Now maybe she'd leave me alone. I put my elbow on the table and placed my forehead in my hand.

"Is something wrong, Ellie?" my dad put a had on my arm and looked at me with concern.

My dad is such a good man.

"I'm fine, dad. I just have a major headache."

"Well, maybe you should go and lie down? I can bring you up some Tylenol later."

"I think I'd like that."

I excused myself from the table and retreated back to my bedroom- my haven. I shut the door and leaned against it. All I kept seeing, though, was that huge plate of lasagna in front of me. I put a hand to my mouth and willed myself to focus on something else before I got sick.

My stomach was in knots. I walked away from the door and started pacing back and forth in my room. Seriously, what was I going to do? Am I supposed to call Dan and try and explain? Will he even answer my calls? Should I just let him call _me_? Ugh! I hate this!

I fell onto my knees and reached under my bed for my box. My dad probably wouldn't be finished with his dinner for another thirty minutes. That gives me just enough time for a few lines and recovery. I spread the powder into three thin lines and snorted them quickly. "Ow..." I muttered softly. I reached my hand up to my nose and squeezed it. It burned more than usual. But it felt good.

Just a few more lines. I poured a little more powder onto my book. Just two more little lines. I made them a little thicker than the first three. I snorted those too and leaned back against my bed.

After a few minutes I poured out another pile and made more lines. Just three more lines. And that is it.

I reached back for the bag to pour more, but I made myself stop. I couldn't even feel my nose anymore. I threw my box back under my bed and hopped to my feet. A wave of euphoria washed over me and I giggled. Now why couldn't I _always_ feel this good? I put on my music and nodded my head to the beat. After I was finished dancing, I fell back on my bed and sighed.

"Ellie?" my dad stepped in the room with a bottle of Tylenol.

"What?"

"Isn't that music hurting your head?"

I had forgotten about my "headache". I ran over to the stereo and turned it off. "Sorry. Yeah, it was."

"Okay, well, here you go." He handed me a glass of water and two Tylenol. I took the medicine and handed the glass back to him.

"Thanks!" I chirped. I heard my voice echo in my head and I let out a laugh.

My dad squinted his eyes and looked at me closely. "Ellie? Are you okay?"

"I'm great!"

He put a hand to my forehead. "You're freezing! You don't look so well. Maybe we should make you a doctor's appointment."

"_Dad_, I'm _fine_. Just let me go to sleep, okay?" I coaxed him out of my room and let out a sigh of relief. Sometimes my dad was too nosy. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine and _in control_.

**Hope you enjoy the chapter! Next chapter- Dan and Ellie talk, Marco and Ellie talk about what happened, and maybe the charity auction. I'm not sure yet. Reviews and suggestions of POVs are always welcome! thanks for all the great reviews!**


	18. Free Fallin'

**Chapter 18: Friends with Benefits**

**Craig**

"Hey Ashley," I plopped down in the desk in front of Ashley in English class and covered her hands with mine. "Whatcha doing?"

"What does it look like? I'm reading a magazine." She held up her copy of Rolling Stone and I pouted at her attitude. "Oh, I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean to sound pissy."

"It's fine. So, where's Ellie?"

"Um... I don't know?"

I guess I should say that Ellie is back in with Marco and Ashley. I think Paige is really the only person holding a grudge against what happened, but that's Paige for you. She always holds a grudge no matter what.

"Why are you looking for Ellie?"

I jerked my head back up and looked at Ashley. Why does she always look so suspicious?

"I, uh, just had to ask her a question. I'll catch up with you later." I knocked my fist on my desk and walked out of the classroom. Maybe Ellie was at her locker.

After five minutes of looking for her, I decided to give up. Right as the bell rang. _Great_. I rushed into my classroom before the door closed and grabbed my seat. Of course, there was Ellie sitting in her desk. How did she get by me?

"Ellie!" I leaned over to her desk and called to her in a whisper.

"What?" she whispered back. I noticed Ashley stirring in her seat from the corner of my eye. She tapped Ellie's shoulder from behind and tried to get Ellie's attention. What was Ashley _doing_?

Ellie turned around in her seat to look at Ashley. "What?"

"Pay attention!" Ashley pointed to the front of the room where Ms. Kwan was talking.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed Ellie's elbow. "I have to ask you something!" I said in a hushed voice.

Ellie gave Ashley a look and leaned halfway into the aisle. "Yeah?"

"Ellie! Craig! Since you two just love talking to each other, you'll love doing your project together," Ms. Kwan slapped a piece of paper on my desk and gave us a pointed stare.

I picked up the paper. It explained our upcoming project. I noticed everyone splitting off into their different pairs and spreading out across the room.

"It's a multi-genre project. We have to pick a novel and do a writing assignment, a creative project, and a technology project. Damn."

I grabbed the paper back from Ellie and sighed. "Are you freaking serious? I don't have time for this."

"I can just do it if you want."

I gave Ellie a weird look and shook my head. "I'll help out. You don't have to do it all by yourself..."

"I thought I'd offer. I'm sorry. I'm a little paranoid about my grade," Ellie gave me an apologetic smile.

"It's okay. I understand. So... what novel should we do?"

"What have you read?"

"Umm..."

Ellie laughed. A shadow loomed over the desk and I looked up to see Ms. Kwan standing over us. "Have you two decided on a book yet?" She pulled over a desk and sat in front of us.

I looked at Ellie and shook my head no. "First I have to think of what books I've read."

"I see, I see. Well... you did that great essay on Great Expectations at the beginning of the year. Have you read that, Ellie?"

"Yes, I really like it."

"I'm sure you two could have a lot of luck with that novel. Well, I'll leave you to think about it."

I waited until Ms. Kwan left before turning back to Ellie. "If you really don't want to do that book we don't have to. We can do whatever you want."

"No, I really like Great Expectations. I think we should do it."

"Do you want to come over tonight and work on this?" Please come over, please come over. If she came over and we worked in the garage, I could casually bring up the band and her singing. Come to think of it, this project might be a blessing in disguise. I'll be working close to Ellie and have plenty of time to convince her to join the band. It's perfect.

**Ellie**

I slipped on my coat and checked to see if I had my house keys in my pocket. Check. Now I just had to grab my copy of Great Expectations before heading over to Craig's house.

I scanned my bookshelf. "Ah ha!" I grabbed the book and threw it in my tote bag. That should do it.

I was about to turn off the lights and walk out of my room, but my phone ringing made me stop. What if that was Craig? I threw myself over my bed and grabbed the phone off of its receiver. "Hello?"

"Hey..."

Oh. My. God. Why was Dan calling me? Doesn't he hate me? I sat straight up at the edge of my bed and tucked my hair behind my ear. "Hey... you..."

"We need to talk."

"Yes, we do."

"What happened Saturday?"

"What do you mean?" _You were there..._ What did he mean what happened? He saw everything. He saw me drunk off of my ass, he caught me cutting, and he threw me out. What more was there than that?

"What was going on with you? Why were you... doing _that_."

"_That_!"

"Hurting yourself. You shouldn't do that."

"Gee, I thought it was acceptable..." He really was bringing out my sarcastic side. I don't need people telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing. It's none of his business what I do with my body.

"Stop being like this. I'm worried. Seriously worried."

"Well, don't be. I'm fine. I'm in control. I'm _perfect_."

"There's no such thing as perfect."

"In my world there is."

"Well, I hardly think perfect means slicing up your arms and _snorting coke_."

I tensed at the last part. How did he know?

"Yeah, I know what you do, Ellie. I'm not stupid. Don't you think I've seen people like you? People who do anything they can to hurt themselves? Including tearing up their fucking nose."

"_Shut up_. How did you find out?"

"I found it in your coat pocket. I was putting a stupid note in your pocket for you to find later and instead I find a bag of cocaine. How stupid are you?"

"I'm not stupid. You don't understand."

"What don't I understand?"

"Listen, I can't really talk about this right now, okay? I have-..."

"I'm outside of your house."

"_WHAT!_"

I rushed over to my window and looked out. Sure enough, there he was just pulling in. I heard him hang up and I threw my phone on the bed. Great. Now I was going to be late to Craig's and Dan was going to just rip me apart. This isn't what I need right now.

**Dan**

"Hey..." I said softly when Ellie opened the door. "Your parents home?"

"No."

"Can I come in?"

"Fine." She opened the door wider and I stepped inside.

Amazing. It's really amazing at how spoiled some people are. She has this amazing house, amazing friends, amazing _life_ and she's blowing it all away. I hate how some people think they have all this shit wrong with them. If they want to see real problems, they can come to me. I'll show them my life.

"Are you going to explain to me why you're hurting yourself?" I asked point-blank.

Ellie turned away and leaned against a desk in the foyer. "There's nothing to say. I don't want to get into it."

"Because there really is no reason for you to be doing this?"

"No. There _is_. I just can't explain it, okay?" She turned around and I saw tears in her eyes. "Some people just have problems that they can't explain, okay? I can't really put it into words what's wrong."

"Then you need to go get help. It's not healthy. Are you doing this just to get daddy's attention?" I didn't mean to sound so snarky, but I couldn't help it. She was starting to piss me off. She has everything. She's so damn lucky.

"_No_! I go shopping to do that. I spend obscene amounts of money to do that. It doesn't really work. It's just... Dan, I really can't get into this."

I put my hands on her arms and rubbed up and down. "It's okay. But really, I'm worried about you. I didn't mean to sound so... horrible the other night, though. You scared me. You still scare me. I care about you."

"I care about you, too."

"But I can't be with you." I knew this last part would really hurt her. Ellie's told me before she's been disappointed by every man in her life. I didn't want to be one more. But what else can I do? I can't be with someone like her. She scares me and how can she be in a relationship, care for someone else, when she doesn't even care about herself?

She looked up at me and I saw her lip tremble a little. She was trying really hard here. We didn't date for too long, but we had grown attached to each other pretty fast. I love her, but I'm not _in love_ with her. If we continued dating, I know I'd fall in love with her soon, but it's not going to happen. She needs to learn to love herself.

"Okay." She turned away again and I wrapped my arms around her from behind.

"I want to be with you. But right now we both want and need different things. I need stability in my life. I need someone who's going to want to be with me for a long time. Maybe even forever."

"And that's not me?"

"Ellie, answer me- do you really think you could see me and you together forever?"

I knew what her answer would be: no. It was a fact. We had fun while it lasted but it couldn't have lasted much longer.

"I can be stable!" She turned back around and put a smile on her face. It was so forced. It made me sad to just look at it.

"You? You're all about drama. Look at you. Look at all the things you do. You drink to get scary-drunk. You cut. You do drugs. You really need to get things figured out."

I can tell I hurt her by my words. She just kept shaking her head as if trying to tell herself that it wasn't true. That she wasn't hurting herself. I think deep down she knows she is.

"You're disappointing me..." the way she said that, it made my heart tear into pieces. She sounded so... little. So young. And she is. She is so young.

I sighed in frustration. "I know I am. I'm sorry. But I'm not going to abandon you like everyone else. I'm still here for you. I want to be your friend. I want you to come to me if you have a problem and call me if you ever want to party or something, but I can't be your boyfriend. I can only give you friendship."

"Fine." Her shoulders relaxed and she leaned back against the desk. "Friends."

I wrapped her in a hug and held her for a few moments before finally releasing her. "Seriously, I still want to hang out. The guys at the frat will miss you if you don't stick around."

She laughed and shrugged. "I have that effect on people."

"So. Now tell me. How long have you been doing this to yourself?"

And please tell me the truth

Who am I kidding? She won't tell me the truth.

**Ellie**

I didn't tell him the truth. Seriously, what is it to him? I know, I know. He cares about

me. I know he does. But it still doesn't change the fact that she just told me it was officially over. I don't take rejection well. I never have. What is so bad about me that no guy can ever be with me? Am I really that unlovable.

I sound pathetic.

Why should I care about _boys_ anyway? Right now I need to focus on school. I need to focus on keeping my dad around and my mom sober. I need to focus on helping my friends out. Just thinking about all the priorities in my life put a huge weight on my shoulders.

And thinking about how I just lied made me feel even worse. I never lie. Not intentionally at least. Now I'm just like everyone else- selfish. I told Dan that I had just started using coke. And that was the first time I'd cut in a long time. What lies.

"Ellie? You coming inside or not? It's cold!"

I looked up and realized I was standing in front of Craig's house. How long had I been standing here? "Coming," I answered.

I walked to the door and Craig ushered me in, pulling the door shut behind him. He rubbed his hands together and led me to another door. "I thought we could hang out in the garage. You want anything to drink?"

Yeah. Something hard. I nodded and Craig tossed me a Mountain Dew. Ahhh... Soda pop. The one luxury I allow myself. We went into the garage and I scanned my surroundings. "Wow, it's changed since I was here last." I can't even remember the last time I had been in Craig's garage. I'm sure I must have been with Marco or something. Maybe Ashley.

"Nice guitar!" I picked up Craig's guitar and examined it. It was a _really_ nice guitar. I played a few chords on it before setting it back down on its stand again.

"You're good. Yeah, I just bought it awhile ago. Cost a fortune, but the sound makes it worth it. I was just practicing for the holiday show coming up."

"That's cool. What are you singing?"

"Miss Beeker wants me to sing O Holy Night, but... she wants it to be a duet."

"That's one of my favorite Christmas songs! That'll be perfect for you and Ash."

"Actually... Miss Beeker suggested you."

I almost spit out my entire mouthful of Mountain Dew. Where did _that_ come from? Did she really have the nerve to tell Craig I can sing?

"So how about it?"

"No."

"Why not? She said you're awesome!"

"Ask Ashley."

"Ashley and I won't be singing a duet after what happened last year. Anyway, you're the better singer!"

"How do you know?" I jumped up off of the couch and went over to the garage door, looking out of the little window. Just how does he know?

"Miss Beeker said you are. It's as simple as that. Why won't you do it?"

I don't know why. Except maybe that it reminds me too much of my life back in Montreal. Of my times at Rookwood. Everyone knew what a good singer I was back there. I'm not trying to brag or anything; I've just always been told how talented I am. But thinking of Rookwood makes me think of how I used to be and what I used to have before I wasted it all away.

I wrapped my arms around myself and turned my head solemnly to look at Craig. He had followed me to the window and was standing a few feet away.

"Ellie?" Craig's tone was concerned and he took a few hesitant steps forward. "What's wrong?"

"Everything..." I let my hands fall to my sides. "Dan broke up with me."

"Ouch. That sucks."

"Yeah, it does.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better... You have me... and our duet!" Craig grabbed both of my hands and brought me against him. "Ellie! It's going to be great! We're going to blow the school away with our song. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather sing with. Just think about it, only three people in the entire school know about your talent. Soon, everyone will know how great you are!"

"Woah, woah, woah!" _Three people? What three people? _"One, I never said yes. Two, who are these three people?"

"Miss Beeker, me, and Manny."

"Manny?"

"Okay, okay... we were in the music building the day of your voice lesson and we kind of listened in. We were speechless. Ellie, you have the most talent I've ever heard in my life."

My head was spinning. Craig was talking so fast and not making any sense and... God! All I had come here for was to work on the project, not to be suckered into some Christmas show by Craig. But I wasn't suckered into it, was I?

"Craig, I can't si-..."

"Elle! You said you would!" Craig whined. He was still holding my hands and at this point I remembered his slight crush on me before. I blushed and tried to pull my hands free, but he kept a hold of them. His hands were really warm.

"I never said I would sing."

"Pwease?" Craig pouted and stepped even closer to me. I watched as he grew the most pathetic look on his face. Maybe I should just say yes. I mean, it would make him happy, right? I just want to make everyone else happy. Who cares if I end up having a nervous breakdown about this whole thing? "Fine..." I gave in.

"YES!" Craig let go and pumped his fists. "Okay, now that that's settled, let's work on our project."

"I'm really going to regret this, won't I?"

I didn't even need him for the answer.

**Sean**

"Ellie! You're soaking wet!" I pulled Ellie in from the front porch and drug her up to my room. "Let's get you some dry clothes."

"I didn't realize it was going to be pouring as soon as I got halfway here. It figures, though. I was over at Craig's working on our English project," she explained.

I tossed her a towel and she began drying her hair. "Oh really? How did that go?" I rummaged through my drawers, looking for some article of clothing that would fit her.

"Something happened."

I spun around quickly. "Did you kiss him?"

"No! No! Nothing like that, thank God..." Ellie put a hand to her chest and gave me a relieved look. "It's something else."

"What?"

I threw a pair of sweat pants and an old t-shirt over my shoulder for her.

"Craig's singing a song in the holiday show. He wants me to sing with him."

"That's great. I didn't know you could sing."

"I can't believe I agreed. It's going to bad."

"Why's that? I'm guessing you can sing if he asked you. Otherwise he would have probably asked Ashley. You finished changing yet?" I turned around.

"What? Oh!" Ellie set the clothes on the bed and unbuttoned her jeans. "I'm sure Ashley will probably get angry that I'm singing with him. She can be so possessive sometimes."

I laid down on my bed and propped myself up on my elbows. "Well, you did kiss him." I had to get that extra jab in at her. It was more for my benefit than Ashley's.

She could tell. She rolled her eyes and pulled her wet shirt over her head. "Completely in the past. Besides, didn't I make up for it enough?" She arched her eyebrows and I grinned.

Oh, yes she did. I licked my lips as she stood in front of me in just little camisole and underwear. Her tank top was _wet_. "I-uh..." I licked my lips again. I didn't even know what to say. What's worse, I couldn't even tear my eyes away. I probably looked like the biggest pervert ever.

She noticed and turned around to take her tank off. I stared at how smooth her back is. _Lay off it, Sean!_ _So what if she was the best sex you've ever had?_ I could feel myself getting hard and I prayed I wouldn't have an experience that was Spinner-worthy.

"You okay?" She stood in front of me in the sweats and the t-shirt. The t-shirt hung off of her and I stared at the bony shoulder that emerged from the blue cloth.

"Just thinking about how horn-hungry! About how hungry I am." Please don't let her notice my slip-up.

She laughed and jumped onto the bed next to me, causing even more of her shoulder to be exposed. "I know what you mean!"

"Darcy broke up with me."

"You were having _sex_ with her!" Ellie's mouth fell open and she gave me the "you're unbelievable!" look...

Groan... "No, I wasn't having "_sex_" with her..." I mimicked the way she said it.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, Dan broke up with me."

"Really?" My head perked up and I stared at her as she traced the seams on my comforter.

She looked up and shrugged a shoulder. "Yeah... I saw it coming, I guess."

"So..." Would she want to...?

"So..." Ellie lifted an eyebrow and gave me a questioning look.

I reached forward and ran my fingers down her cheek. "It won't mean anything."

"It'll just be for the physical benefits."

"Because I'm trying to move on."

"Yeah, me too."

"And we're friends, right?"

"You're like my closest friend, besides Marco."

"Yeah, you too. Besides Jay."

"So really, it's our duty as friends to make each other feel better."

"And I _really_ need to feel better after this."

"So we should just... do it!"

"No regrets."

"Nope. No regrets."

"But rules... Definitely rules."

"Definitely rules."

"Number one-..."

"This is just sex."

"Right, just sex. Nothing else."

"Number two-..."

"It's only between friends. We can still hook up with other people."

"Of course!"

"Anymore?"

"I think we hit 'em."

"Good."

"Good."

We laughed nervously and broke our eye contact. I reached out and took Ellie's hand in mine and brought it to my lips. She pulled it away.

"Rule number three- no kissing."

"No kissing?"

"None."

I shrugged grudgingly and put her hand down. What was I supposed to do?

I didn't have to think about it too long, though, because Ellie started to pull at the bottom of my shirt. I helped her take it off and then I went for her shirt. She stopped me and said she'd rather keep it on. No problem. It would just remind me that I can't kiss her. I helped slip her sweats and underwear off and she got underneath the covers. And I joined her. And the rest is... history.

We got dressed afterwards and we hugged before she left. That was good. There were no strings attached after that. We could still feel independent and free to do whatever we wanted with whoever we wanted. And we could still be friends. There wasn't anything weird between us. Was there? I guess we didn't even talk about that. Whether it would make things weird between us or not. I'm sure things aren't weird. I mean, I can't wait to see Ellie again.

**I'm sorry, I just needed a little physical contact between Ellie and Sean. Ugh. They need to be together. So why don't I just put them together, you ask? Because that would be too easy. So, next chapter you can look forward to Marco/Ellie... Ellie just might confess stuff about her past... Perhaps an Alex/Ellie friendship outing?... I'll try and incorporate Jimmy and Hazel's POV somehow. I don't really know how to yet. If you guys have any ideas on how I can incorporate their POVs, that'd be great! Thnaks for the great reviews! I hope you like this chapter.**


	19. Coffee and TV

**Chapter 19: Coffee and TV**

**Alex**

I grabbed a silk scarf and threw it around my neck. "And how does this look, dahling?" I used my best snobby voice and struck a pose.

Ellie giggled and placed a huge hat on her head. "It's more like... Dahling! Gorgeous! That's what you are! Absolutely _gorgeous_! Now let's talk about me!"

I held my stomach as I laughed and shook my head. "You have the rich act down, Ellie. I never thought I'd be shopping with a girl who could probably buy a brand new car right now."

I noticed a glint in Ellie's eye and she pulled a wallet out of her purse. "Well, we do have all these!" She held up a handful of credit cards and my mouth fell open in surprise.

"Woah! How many are there?"

"Plenty for the both of us."

"Both of us?"

"Exactly! Come on, Alex. You can buy _anything_ you want." She grabbed my wrist and started to drag me to the clothes. Clothes that are way to expensive for my taste. Clothes that are not even my style. Our they even her style?

Ellie held a top up next to her and sighed, "I love this top! Look how sweet it is."

She pressed it up against her and tilted her head to look in the mirror. Noticing that the color looked absolutely awesome on her (it was a pale peach), she smiled and turned back to face me. Maybe it _was _her style...

"I'm going to get it," she decided. I rolled my eyes and looked at the price tag.

My eyes bugged out. "Holy shit! You can afford this?" I looked at my friend in amazement. There was no way she could afford to just buy this top just because.

Ellie gave me a weird look and breezed past me. "Of course I can buy this top. My last name is _Nash_. Pick out something!" She pushed me towards the racks and I perused through them for a second. Damn. All this crap was expensive. And do I really look like a person that would wear a chiffon skirt?

"That chiffon skirt is gorgeous. You should try it on."

Okay, so I wasn't the type for a chiffon skirt, but Ellie Nash, resident punk weirdo, is. I held the light purple skirt up and gave her a pointed look. "This is not punk, Ellie. Where have you taken my friend?"

"Don't put a label on me. I wear what I want to wear."

"Even stuff that you find at stores like Gucci and Besty Johnson? Wow, poor you. You have such a bad life."

"Stop it," Ellie whispered as she gave me a hurt look.

I am so sick of people acting as if they have it so bad. Look at my life, my dad left when I was, what? Seven years old? That good for nothing sends a birthday card and Christmas card to me. That's it. Then I have to watch my mom go through countless guys who are never good enough for her and she just _lets_ them treat her like trash! I will never be submissive like that. I hate when people act as if there's nothing for them to do . There's _always_ something for them to do. You can't just sit around and twiddle your fucking thumbs and say, "That's life!".

Ellie sighed. "C'est la vie!" she murmured.

_What! _I gave her a glare as she looked at some shoes. My point exactly. Ellie Nash. The girl I thought acted like she was so much better than everyone. Turns out, I wasn't wrong. She floats through life so easily, but then she goes and hims and haws and acts like life is playing some big joke on her. I wish I could be in on the joke. Getting my daddy's credit cards and living in a huge mansion and being able to do whatever I want. Must be nice.

"You ready?"

I glanced up and saw that Ellie had successfully picked out everything in the store to buy.

"You've got to be kidding me. You're buying all of that?" I gestured towards her arm load.

"Why not?"

"Because it's finance-suicide?"

"No, it's not. What do you want me to buy you?"

I put the bracelet I was holding back. "You mean what can your daddy buy me?" She glared at me. "I don't want anything from you. Or your daddy..."

Ellie gave me a look that clearly said I was a fool. I stood next to her as she bought the clothes and when the total came up, I almost passed out right there. Ellie handed over her credit cards without a blink of an eye. She was so... passive.

"I can't believe you did that!" I practically had to run with Ellie. Why does she always have to speed walk?

"Did what?" She glanced over at me quickly and then back in front of her with that same look on her face. As if nothing phased her.

"Oh, I don't know... Spend that ugly amount of your _dad_'s money."

"That's what it's there for!" She was trying to give me a friendly smile, but I wasn't smiling back.

"You're so spoiled, it's not even funny."

"Excuse me?"

"You're a spoiled little rich girl. It makes me sick almost seeing how careless you are with _everything_." I stressed "everything". She's careless with money, with her cutting, with eating...

"You don't know anything, so drop it, okay?"

"No, I'm going to act like you. Never let anything go. Never stop until I get everything out of you. Always acting like a snotty, moralizing _bitch_!" Wow. That came out of nowhere. A flash of hurt went through Ellie's eyes, and I almost felt bad. But I didn't. Because it's the truth and she needs to hear it. Isn't that _her_ motto?

"Where is this coming from?"

"You spending all that money just to spite your dad? That's hurtful. That's messed up. Your parents obviously work hard for their money, and you think you can just take it and buy whatever you want."

"Because I _can_."

"Aw, poor baby! You always complain about your parents- about your situation. What's so wrong with it? What's so bad with how you live? I think you just like hearing yourself complain. You just love the sound of your own voice and love telling people how to live their life. But nobody cares. So stop bitching about everything and then blaming it on your parents. You have it lucky. At least you still have a dad."

The next thing I knew, Ellie threw down her bags and pushed me in the chest. "You want to say that again?" she hissed at me.

I pushed her back and threw my arms up. "Yeah! You're parents obviously care about you more than anything. They buy you whatever you want, they let you do whatever you want, you have _no_ rules. I would kill for parents like yours. And here you are, whining about every damn thing that goes wrong in your life. Your mom drinks a tad too much. Oh, boo hoo! You're pathetic!" The words just kept coming out of my mouth and it's like I couldn't stop them! I really tried to stop bitching, but I just couldn't.

Ellie's face crumped and she turned away for a second. Oh God... Did I just make her cry? Did I make Ellie Nash cry? I started to reach out for her arm, but she turned back towards me again. And she looked _furious_. She stuck a finger into my chest and got up into my face.

"You? You don't know shit! I'm not going to stand here and listen to you try and compare my life to yours! My mom doesn't just drink a _tad_ too much. She is constantly drunk! I'm so fucking tired of always having to clean up after, of lying to my dad, of her leaving me and not telling me where she is. Of her leaving me to live alone for weeks! And my dad? _My dad!_ Yeah, he _really_ loves me. I used to think he did, but now I know better. He doesn't give a shit about me. He can't stand being around me so he works all the time. Or him and my mom go off and leave me alone. Sometimes they don't even tell me where they're going or when they'll be back. They just go. And when they do come back, they throw gifts in my face. As if gifts will make up for them leaving me alone, _abandoning_ me. And then there's-...!" Ellie shut her mouth quickly and turned away.

I wanted to say something, but what do you say after that? My lips shook and I felt like I was gasping for breath. _What do I say? What do I say? What do I say?_ I didn't have time to say anything, though, before Ellie turned back around with a big smile on her face. What. The. Hell.

"Ellie?" I shifted in my spot uncomfortably.

Ellie shook her head, laughing. _Laughing_. "Alex, you are too much. _Please_. Don't tell me you bought that story. That was the lamest thing I've ever come up with."

"What?" My voice was so soft, even I could barely hear it.

Ellie rolled her eyes and picked her bags back up. "That was too easy. Come on, more stores beckon my name. You coming?"

I was glued to my spot. Was she seriously playing me? Had she really been joking that entire time? I looked at her and the small smile on her face. It didn't look like she was forcing that smile. In fact, she looked... like she always did. "You were just joking that entire time?"

Ellie nodded and brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. "I didn't get a lead in the play for nothing. Come on. There are these shoes I think you'll really like in this store."

I followed her into a store called "Bunny" and looked around. Short little skirts, a few button up tops, fishnets, arm warmers, vintage rock t-shirts. This was definitely more Ellie's style.

"Look at this hot thing!" Ellie waved a little black dress in front of my face.

"Isn't that see-through?"

She looked at the dress again and wiggled her eyebrows. "In some parts."

I let out a peal of laughter and started going through the pants. Wow. Here were a pair of hot burgundy cords. These would look great.

"Those are cute!"

I pulled out a pair for myself and a pair for Ellie. "Here, try them on, too. Maybe we can be matching."

"_Matching?"_

I blushed and rolled my eyes to cover up the sudden heartwarming moment I had just shared with Ellie. "Not at the same time, you idiot!"

We went into the dressing room and came out together in the pants. They were hot. Incredibly hot. I'm sorry, even I have to brag at how good they looked on us. We decided to both get them and Ellie went back in to try on that dress.

She came out again and my eyes widened at how good she looked. And I'm saying that in a totally non-lesbian way. Not that there's anything wrong with that. She turned around and I took in how the back was cut in a very deep U. A deep V in the front was see through. In short, very sexy. "You'll have Sean drooling."

"Ew! I don't want that!" Ellie pushed me jokingly and went back to surveying herself in the mirror. "Are you sure it looks alright?" She put a hand on her back and on her stomach, pulling her stomach in.

"Why are you doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Sucking in?"

"I want to see how it would look if I lost a few pounds."

I rolled my eyes and placed my hands on her bony shoulders. "_You_ don't need to lose a few pounds. You're a fucking skeleton. Gorgeous. Me, on the other hand... I'm gaining a little tummy."

"Are you eating too much?"

"It's called drinking beer way too much."

Ellie smirked at me in the mirror. "It's called, I know how you can lose weight."

A chill ran down my spine at her tone of voice. Like she was sharing some deep, dark secret with me. I lifted my hands off of her shoulders and backed up. "Yeah, okay, well you look good. I think you should get it."

Ellie took one last glance in the mirror and nodded in agreement. "I think you're right. I'll just be a second. Here, hold these." She threw her cords and a t-shirt into my arms and went back into the dressing room.

"Can I take those to the register for you?" A sales attendant popped up at my elbow.

I handed her the clothes. "Thanks, I'm just waiting for my friend. I think she's going to shop a little more." I took another look at the overly dressed and perfumed woman. She sure didn't look like someone who would work here.

I decided to look at the earrings in front while Ellie got dressed. As I was inspecting a pair of jade earrings, I heard the sales woman from before talking to another lady.

"I _wish_ I could wear pants this small!"

"I know! Some girls have all the luck. Here I am pushing a size 4! Can you believe it?"

I rolled my eyes and resisted the urge to snort. Those women should be ashamed of themselves. I'm so happy I don't care that much about my weight. All I want is to get rid of a little beer tummy and _that is all_. Otherwise, I'm perfectly happy with how I look.

"I'm on this new diet. I just eat all raw foods. So basically I eat vegetables and sushi. So low calorie!"

"Wow! Tell me how that goes. I'm looking to lose a few five pounds before next week."

_Before next week!_ Damn. These people are crazy. If this is what it's like working in some ritzy shop on some ritzy street, then count me out. The thought of eating just vegetables and sushi makes me want to get sick!

"Hey! Did you find something else?"

I jumped at the sound of Ellie's voice and gave her a weak smile. "You scared me. Don't ever do it again. I like these earrings." I showed her the jade earrings and she gave me the approval. Then added a few more pairs that she thought I liked to the front counter. I wearily looked at the huge pile we were slowly but surely creating. If this is what it's like to be rich, then count me out. It's much to tiring.

**Ellie**

I picked up a pair of light brown flats and inspected them. They were cute. I could do things with them. And the price was perfect! Just expensive enough to raise my dad's eyebrows. I grabbed my size and went on to look at these cute little boots. Those would look good, too.

I looked over at Alex who was looking at a pair of sneakers. Did she really buy that whole "it was just a performance" bit? Some people are so dense. I expected more out of Alex than that. But it's a good thing she doesn't really care too much to delve deeper. Otherwise she would have found out that I wasn't just lying. That it's all true. Everything is all true.

I don't know why I'm even bothering spending all this money. My dad still won't notice. He'll just say he's glad I have fun while I shop and kiss me on the head and then leave for work. For three days. And on the third day, he'll show up and pack for a trip to China or Russia or whatever fucking destination it is this time. What does he even _do_?

But still, here's to hoping that one day my dad will get a credit card bill and maybe go berserk or something. Maybe he'll sit me down one of these days, ready to actually listen to me, and ask me what's wrong. Then either I'll tell him what's really wrong or I'll refuse. I'm not exactly sure which direction I want to take- forgiveness or revenge? These decisions are hard.

"Ellie? I have to sort of get back. Jay will kill me if I have his car out too late."

I heard Alex, but I didn't move. I just stared at these ugly shoes in front of me. They were horrible. I can't believe someone actually calls that art.

"Ellie?" Alex poked me in the rib and I spun around.

"God! Okay!" Okay, I sound like a total psycho bag. But I can't help it. Sometimes people just pry and prod way too much for their own good. Sometimes I just get in these mood swings and... Who knows. Who knows what I'll do one of these days.

"Okay, you don't have to act like a grade A bitch," Alex snapped. I paid for our purchases and we ran to Jay's car. I, for one, did _not_ want to hear Jay whine about his precious car being a few minutes late.

The ride home was pretty silent. Alex wanted to know if I wanted her to drop me off at home or somewhere else. I was going to say Sean's house, but I figured she'd make some big deal about it. So I opted for home. Oh God. Home sweet home.

**Marco**

Ellie still hasn't talked to me about what happened over the weekend. She's basically been avoiding me. I think she's avoiding everyone actually. No one has really talked to her in a few days. I wish she would just open up. It hurts me to think that she feels she can't tell me things. I'm always here to listen. Especially now that Dylan broke up with me.

Whenever I do see Ellie, she's always walking with this vacant expression on her face. As if she's not really here. It's like she's just floating through life right now. I really don't know what to do.

What do I do? I can't believe I don't know what to do. She's my best friend for Christ's sake. I don't even know how to start a conversation with her. I don't really know who to talk about this with. I can't ask a friend. I don't want to betray Ellie and talk about her with a friend. I can't talk to my parents. I can't talk to _her_ parents, that's for sure.

I swung my arms a little as I walked down the hallway. I probably looked like Ellie at he moment. Arms swinging, walking fast, numb looking... I don't think she realizes what she's doing to me.

"Marco, shouldn't you be at lunch?"

I looked up to see that I had entered the M.I. Lab. Mr. Simpson was eating from a Chinese take-out box at his desk. He must have noticed the helpless look on my face because he kicked a chair out in front of him and nodded his head towards it. I took the offer and sat down in front of him. He just looked at me. He wanted me to talk.

"It's Ellie."

"What about her?" He had stopped his chopsticks mid-air. He looked worried. Was he worried about her, too?

"I don't know. That's the problem. I don't know what's wrong. Mr. Simpson, there is something seriously wrong with her and I can't figure it out. She has these mood swings. They're horrible. One minute she's happy and fine, the next she's depressed, the next she's having an emotional breakdown. She just doesn't _look_ good. And I feel like I'm the only one to see it!"

Mr. Simpson rubbed his eyes and leaned back in his chair. "Believe me. You're not the only one to see it. I've gotten to be pretty close with Ellie over the year with yearbook and everything. It seems like she has a lot on her plate and she's trying to deal with it all by herself. She's independent... But I think she really needs someone to look after her, too."

"Yeah, because she's always been alone. I mean, her parents are never home. They're always working or out with friends or traveling. Ellie's had a rough time lately. And I want to help her, I really do. But I just don't know how to."

"Sometimes, Marco, all you can do is _be there_. She might not want to talk, she might hate you one minute, love you the next, but she'll know you're prepared to walk with her. She's dealing with stuff, she's learning about herself, she's learning what makes her happy. The best thing is to just be there for her. Does that make sense?"

It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. How many times have I apologized to her for ignoring her? Wasn't that one of the problems? Me abandoning her for the popular crowd and then for Dylan? Mr. Simpson was right. I just need to be with her. I need to show her that I'm here for her. I can be a friend to watch TV with or go get coffee with, but I'm also the friend that will hold her as she cries. If I just be that friend, pretty soon she'll tell me what's wrong without me pushing her.

"Marco?"

I got up from the step I was sitting on in front of Ellie's house and brushed my pants off. I held out two tulips for her. "I got you these." I knew to get her two. If I had only gotten her one, the other one would be lonely. This was her logic.

"They're beautiful! I love tulips!" Ellie took the two flowers and sniffed them appreciatively. She looked so sad.

"So, Craig told me you're singing with him in the holiday show?" Just a normal question. I was just acting like any other old friend. Asking pointless questions in hopes that she'll open up to me.

"I-... God, Marco. This is horrible! I can't do this!" I watched as she started to wring her hands together and she bounced from one foot to the other.

"Woah, what's going on? Why is this horrible?"

"I _can't_ sing in front of everyone."

"Are you crowd-shy?"

"No! It's just... it reminds me too much of..." Ellie covered her face with her hands and burst into tears.

"Ellie!" I walked over to her and grabbed her in a tight, bear-hug. "Shhh! It's okay." I pulled her down so we were sitting on the steps and she buried her face into my shoulder.

What is going on with her? This is the second time she's been like this in front of me. I watched as her body shook with each cry and I knew that something was seriously wrong. I've never seen her like this before. Suddenly an idea popped into my head and I couldn't shake it. "Elle... are you pregnant?"

"No," she answered in a tiny voice.

"Then what is going on? You have to tell me. It's killing me to see you like this."

"It's all my fault. Everything is my fault."

"What's your fault?" What was she talking about? I held her back at arm's length and stared into her desperately beautiful eyes. I leaned forward and kissed her forehead affectionately. This is my Ellie. She has to tell me what's wrong or I don't think I'll be able to sleep ever again knowing that something big is on her conscious.

"I- I, uh... It's a long story."

"Okay, let's get you inside. I'm going to make hot chocolate, get out my major supply of Snickers, and we are going to sit here and you are going to tell me everything. And I am going to listen and we are going to figure this out."

"It's horrible... Are you really sure you want to hear it?"

"Yes! Come on." I led her into her house and we sat down in the living room. No one was home. Figures. When I got her settled on the bed, I jumped up to get her hot chocolate from the kitchen.

"Marco?"

"Yeah?" I paused and turned to look better at her.

She wrapped her arms around my waist and pressed her face into my chest. "Thanks," came her muffled reply.

My heart broke at how miserable she sounded.

**Ellie**

This is the first time I'll actually be saying these words out loud. I've thought them over and over in my head for a long time now. Every day I think about it. And I can't get it out of my mind. And now I'm actually going to confess to Marco everything.

"Here," Marco sat down and handed me a mug. "It has some coffee in it, too."

"Thanks." I took a small sip and placed it on the coffee table. How am I supposed to even start?

"From the beginning."

"What?"

"You should start from the beginning."

I looked at the ground and rubbed my hands together. "It's hard to explain from the beginning."

"Then start wherever you'd like to."

I looked up into Marco's eyes and immediately felt at ease. He's right. I really need to talk about this. I can't do this to myself anymore. I can't hold all of this in for much longer.

"There was this boy.. Breydan. I, uh, I loved him. I-we... we were in love. We went out for about a year. He was driving to my house one night. He lost control. His car flipped over three times. And he died. I _killed_ him."

A new wave of tears passed over me. I've never cried like I do when I think about Breydan. It's all just too much for me to handle. I can't stand knowing that I killed someone. Especially someone I loved more than anything.

"You didn't kill him."

"I did. He didn't want to come over. I made him." I was surprised at how easily the words were coming out. I've never talked to anyone about this. My parents tried sending me to therapists after his death, but I never said anything. I didn't even say anything after my breakdown and after they sent me to that fucking rehab.

"Ellie, you didn't kill him."

"I did. And I was so _horrible_ about it. I didn't even care! I just went on with my life. I went out and partied and still got perfect grades and... God! I hate myself so much!" I stared at the blank television in front of us. Why did I do this? Why did I go and bring this up? I never should have said anything. Now Marco will just want to know more and if I tell him what else happened, he'll never look at me the same.

He didn't pry, though. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my head. "I love you, Ellie Nash," he whispered into my hair.

_You shouldn't_.

I don't know how it happened, but the rest of the story just came tumbling out. I couldn't control anything I was saying. I was just telling Marco about the baby. Not about the abortion I had, but the other one... I've tried to block it out of my head for so long now, and I succeeded for a little bit, but it's so hard. Especially lately. It's all I've been thinking about lately.

I was pregnant one other time. I don't really remember too much about it because this all happened after Breydan's death. I remember not feeling so well, but I figured it had to do with my boyfriend dying. Sometimes the story changes around. Sometimes I knew I was pregnant, other times I didn't. I can't really remember which one is true. I think, perhaps, I knew I was pregnant subconsciously. I don't really know what happened, but one day at the beginning of Freshman year I started bleeding. And that was it. I lost the baby.

I don't really know how it happened. I know I wasn't really taking very good care of myself. I didn't care about anything anymore. Not without Breydan at least. After losing the baby, everything just deteriorated. I killed my baby. I was so selfish that I killed my own baby.

"Ellie, how do you think the baby died?" Marco asked me with that worried look in his eyes.

I looked him straight in the eye. "I starved it."

**I feel very self-conscious about this chapter. I don't know. It was difficult to write. But hopefully you guys like it. April Child will be updated tomorrow. I've already started on the chapter and have an idea of what is going to happen. It will be lighthearted. **

**So, suggestions: should I continue this story with the eating disorder coming out now or should i work that in later? i'm kind of stuck. I have ideas on how both ways can work. I may have Marco be the only one to know and as his duty has best friend he keeps it a secret. but i'm not sure. Suggestions please!**

**Jimmy should be coming in shortly. I have an idea on how to incorporate him. Still trying to figure out Hazel but I'll really try to get her in there somehow. As always, thanks for the reviews. I'm glad you guys are enjoying my stories.**

**And another thing, I'm trying to make Ellie a likable character. So do you guys like her ornot? Sometimes I feel like I make her out to be a raving bitch. I try and redeem her as much as I can. **


	20. Praying Drunk

**Chapter 21: Praying Drunk**

**Ellie**

I'm not stupid. I didn't really tell Marco everything. I told him about Breydan and my

baby. And how I might have unintentionally killed it. What am I talking about? I _did_ kill it! I'm a horrible person and I should die for doing that. I should be punished brutally. But I honestly, truthfully, seriously didn't mean to. It just... happened. And it's too late to take back.

Surprisingly, Marco didn't go crazy after I told him. He was actually quite calm about it. Which really thrilled me. I thought he would go psycho and accuse me of all sorts of stuff. He just held me to him while I cried and told me everything would be okay. He said a lot of times girls get pregnant and get scared and don't realize what they're doing before something bad happens. I told him that's how I felt. And he said it was normal. That I shouldn't feel like a freak or anything. I must say, I'm a bit relieved.

I don't know how he knows all this stuff, but he does. I trust him.

He didn't want to leave me alone tonight, but I told him I had to just clear my thoughts. Think. Forgive myself. As if I could ever forgive myself for what I did.

And now I'm sitting here, sitting on the bathroom floor, staring at the two scales in front of me. I freaked out the other day and bought another one. I mean, what if the first one was actually broken and telling me the wrong weight the entire time? I don't think I'd be able to handle that. But I swear the scales are lying. It's like they have a mind of their own. They want me to look at them and cry because they tell me I'm fat.

But I know I am. I'm not stupid. I can see perfectly in the mirror, and I see how big my hips are or the fact that I have huge cheeks. I look like a fucking chipmunk. I wish, for once, all my hard work would just pay off and I could be satisfied with the results. But it always seems like there are never any results. And I really don't know what else to do.

* * *

I hung my coat up in my locker and shut the door softly. _Tonight I'm going to run four miles. Not as much as I can run, but I've been slacking lately. I was too busy with Dan. Dan..._ My cheeks grew flushed and I put a hand up to them. Why did I have to think about him?

I really liked him. He was sweet. He cared about me. He was funny, and we had a good time. Too bad he couldn't handle me. Or maybe I just wasn't good enough for him. It seems as if I'm never good enough for anyone.

"Elle!" Ashley jogged up and handed me a cd. "Here's the CD you lent me last week. It was awesome. I really liked number- woah, are you okay?"

"Whatever do you mean?" I asked politely, although I wasn't feeling really polite lately.

"You're really pale."

"So?"

"I think you need to see the nurse! Seriously, Ellie..."

I gribbed my books closer to my chest and clenched my jaw. _Just lay off of it, Ashley. I don't need you getting into my business. Again._ "I had a late night. A lot of reading and stuff..." I could practically hear the pills in my purse smacking against their container. Could she hear them? Why am I being so paranoid?

"Did you hear?"

"WHAT!" I spun around and looked at Ashley. She gave me a weird look and fell into step beside me.

"Sean and Darcy broke up. That's all."

I breathed a sigh of relief and nodded. "Yeah, Sean talked to me about it. Dan broke up with me."

"Why didn't you tell me? You should have told me."

"I didn't want to make a big deal about it. It just sort of didn't work out."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." _No, it's not okay_. Someday I hope I find someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone like Marco- only straight.

Speak of the devil.

"Hello ladies!" Marco skipped up to us in all of his gay gloriousness. I really love him. He flashed me a bright smile and added a little wink behind Ashley's back. He's the best. I knew he'd never tell anyone what I told him.

"Hey Marco. Okay, well, I'm going to go catch up with Craig. Talk to you later," Ashley walked away.

Here we go.

"Did you go and talk to Ms. Suave like I said?" Marco pulled me towards a corner and lowered his voice.

"Yeah," I lied. Damnit. Why am I lying to him? I try not to, but it's like my mouth and voice has a mind of its own.

"And...?"

"We scheduled an appointment for during lunch." I'm a genius. That way, no one will bother me about why I'm not eating lunch. Sometimes I'm too smart for my own good.

"Brilliant. I'm so proud of you, Elles."

My stomach dropped. He was _proud_ of me. Instantly, my insides felt like they were eating themselves. I hate hurting Marco and everyone I care for, but this is the one thing that I do only for myself. This is my only selfish act. And really, it's just bettering the community. Who wants to look at some huge fatty?

Marco tugged playfully at my braid and leaned his head on top of mine. "I know what you told me yesterday was hard. I could tell. You looked like you were in pain, but I think talking to Ms. Suave will really help. You can always talk to me, but she's a professional. She knows what to do."

Sure she does... I faked a smile for Marco and nodded. Was he really buying this? He squeezed my hand and ran off. And once again, I am alone.

**Marco**

I set my backpack on the ground and placed my hands on the bathroom counter. Looking

in the mirror, I frowned at my reflection. What does she see when she looks in the mirror? _She denied it. She doesn't have an eating disorder_. Yeah, that's what everyone says and then they have a stroke and die. She did deny it. I don't have proof. Except for the fact that she's super skinny, but is that valid proof?

FLASHBACK

"You what?" I whispered. Did I really hear her right? Was this her way of confessing that she has an eating disorder. Did she really just say she starved her baby?

Ellie couldn't look me in the eyes anymore. Her lower lip shook and she kept shaking her head. "I was just so upset after Breydan's death. I wasn't hungry anymore, I wasn't thinking, I wasn't caring about anyone but myself. I didn't do it on purpose. I just... I just didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late."

I wanted to rip my hair out. Who knew it would be this hard to listen to Ellie? What she's telling me is horrible. I just feel so helpless. What am I supposed to say to make her feel better? _Is_ there anything I can say? I don't think so.

"So, you don't have a... a problem? You didn't do it on purpose?" I reached forward and cupped Ellie's face in my hands.

She looked up at me with wet eyes and shook her head slightly. "No," she whispered.

I sighed with relief. If there's one thing I know about Ellie, it's that she's honest. She would never lie to me in a million years. So, I have to take her word for it. She's fine.

END OF FLASHBACK

I started questioning whether or not she was lying to me last night in bed. She told me she wasn't, but can I really believe her? I mean, if she has an eating disorder, she doesn't want anybody to know, so she's not going to tell the truth. Has she _always_ been lying to me? Have all my views of Ellie being so honest and noble been deceptions? Do I even know one true thing about her?

_Of course you do_. Yeah, of course I do. Ellie is my best friend. That's the truth. And she's always been there for me no matter what. That's another truth. And she kept my homosexuality a secret for a year. That's definitely true. And she gave up her own happiness for me. That's a truth I can't ever forget. She's not lying to me now. She knows she can tell me anything.

And even if she was lying to me, and she does have a problem... Who am I to turn my back on her and tell everyone? She kept my secrets for me. Shouldn't I do the same for her? That's what friends do. We look after each other. It's me and her against the world, it's always been that way. So if she has a secret that she doesn't want anyone else knowing, then I'm going to keep it that way. It's the only way I know how to repay her.

I'm strong enough to do this on my own. I can help Ellie myself and no one else needs to know. Ellie has always taken care of me, and now I'm going to take care of her. I can do this. By myself. I'm sure I can. It's the least I can do.

Hey, what else are friends for?

**Sean**

I passed the bathroom and noticed Marco coming out of it, looking completely disheveled

and unlike himself. Eh, probably got turned down by some boy or something equally as gay as that. I looked at the other end of the hallway and saw Darcy walking with JT and Manny. She looked up and gave me a friendly wave. I did the same. It really doesn't hurt that much. I'm actually okay with the fact that Darcy broke up with me. Weird, I know.

Well, I had five minutes to kill before class.

I scanned the school bulletin board for anything important. Maybe someone was selling a car or motorcycle. I need a means of transportation. I'll even take an old junker and fix it up. That could be fun anyway. Instead of seeing an ad selling a car or anything, another flyer caught my attention.

DEGRASSI WRESTLING TEAM

TRYOUTS FRIDAY 4-6PM

AUXILIARY GYM

SIGN UP BELOW

Wait a second... My grades are up. That's the only reason I had to stop wrestling. Maybe... maybe I could try out again.

What am I thinking? Coach Belter would never give me a second chance. I really screwed up before- skipping classes, failing tests, missing those practices...

"Sean!" I turned around and looked at Emma.

"Hey, Emma. What's up?"

"Have you seen Ellie?"

"No."

"Oh."

She frowned and started to walk away but I touched her shoulder. "Is something wrong with Elle?" I questioned, worried.

Emma put her hands up an in "I don't know" gesture. "No, I just haven't seen her for awhile. Just wondering how everything is going for her."

"Well, Marco and everyone forgave her, if that's what you mean."

"That's good. Well, if you see her, tell her I'm looking for her."

"No problem."

We went our separate ways and I headed for shop class. My thoughts went back to wrestling. What if I promised Coach Belter that I would try harder? Convince him that I've changed? I wonder if he'd give me a chance then.

What did Ellie always tell me? 90 of the game is mental? Yeah, that's it. 90 of the game is mental. So, if I _think_ I can do it, then I _can_ do it. And I think I can do it.

**Ellie**

"Elles! Wait up!"

The wind whipped my hair in my face as I turned around to wait for Sean. I adjusted the bag on my shoulder and tossed my hair back over my shoulder. _What does he want now?_

"Where are you headed?"

_None of your business._ "Picking up my dress for this weekend from the seamstress."

"Man, thanks for reminding me. I almost completely forgot about that."

"Sean!" I whacked him in the back of the head lightly.

"Sorry! So, I'm thinking about trying out for wrestling."

"Are you fond of wrestling?"

"I used to wrestle for Degrassi. Then my grades and attitude started to slip up."

I tipped my head and slowly grazed my eyes over Sean's body. "I can see it. Sean Cameron- star wrestler! I think you should go for it. You have my support." I patted him on the back and started walking again.

He fell into step beside me. "That's good. I was afraid they wouldn't let me try out because I really messed up before, but I talked to Coach Belter and Mr. Ehl talked to him, too. He said he wouldn't hold a grudge towards me. That's good, right?"

I looked at the earnest look on his face and laughed, "Yeah, that's good."

"Okay, well... bye, Ellie. I'll call you later."

"Bye Sean."

I watched as he look down the street and hurried and jogged across it. His figure disappeared from my view after a few minutes. I blinked my eyes a few times and started back on my way home. I can only imagine the scene that will lay before me. I'll come home, walk through the door, call out that I'm home, and there will be no answer.

It probably seems like I'm the biggest complainer in the world. I don't even complain about this sort of stuff out loud, though. I just keep it locked up inside. But I think some people just wouldn't understand. Some people just aren't like me. I want to be held and loved and paid attention to. I don't want to come home to an empty house anymore. I want my parents to be there, for them to hug me, and ask me how my day at school was. And I want to show them the A I got on my math quiz without them asking me if someone else got a higher score or if I could have done better. I just want them _around_ me. I don't even care if they're talking to me or not. I just want my mom to be puttering around the house talking about design and my dad in his favorite chair reading the business section of the newspaper.

I want to be able to be independent, but also be able to rely on my parents. I want my parents to care about me, but I don't want them constantly in my face asking me what's wrong. I want to have dinner families, but I don't want to eat. I want everything and its opposite.

I just want too many things I can't have.

* * *

"Hello?" I brought my phone up to my ear and sat back in the computer chair.

"Hey, Elle."

It was Marco. My mouth smiled and I brought my knees up to my chin. "What's up, Marco?"

"Nothing really. Just wanted to-..."

"Marco..."

"Okay, I'm checking up on you. So how are you? How was your day? Give me the lowdown."

I giggled and looked at my freshly painted toe-nails. A sparkly salmon color. "I'm fine," I responded through clinched teeth. _Except that I think my parents just left for another trip without telling me_. I came home and the house was empty of course. And now, at 8:00, no one was home still. I have half a mind to go check and see if our luggage is still in the house.

"And...?" Marco pressed.

"Marco, I have class with you. You _know_ how my day went."

"What did Ms. Suave say? Oh God, did I just ask that? Is it okay for me to ask that?"

Oh God... what did she say? I don't even know what she said because I spent my lunch period in the music building. I also had half a mind to go and yell at Miss Beeker for making me sing the other day.

"Ms. Suave was actually kind of a bitch to me." There. If I said that, Marco wouldn't want me to go back and talk to her. He'd just tell me to forget about it, and then I'll never have to talk about it again. I don't ever want to talk about it. It's much too painful.

"Are you serious?" I could hear the concern in Marco's voice.

"Yeah..."

"Then, I don't want you talking to her. Ever. We'll figure something else out. You can always talk to a teacher or a parent or... maybe a professional? A doctor even?"

"Marco! I'm _not_ going to some therapist. I'm _fine_!" I was so angry, I almost threw my phone against the wall. Why did he have to go and say that?

"Nobody's fine after their baby dies. Nobody."

"You don't understand, okay, Marco? Listen, I think I hear my parents coming in..." I cocked my ear and listened to the door opening and closing.

"Okay, I'll see you in a little bit."

"What?"

"I'm coming over. I don't care what you say. I want to hang out with you."

I set down the phone and stared at the computer in front of me. Great. Marco's coming over now. No doubt he'd want to talk more about my past. I should have kept everything secret. I should have never opened my mouth. Well... there's really nothing I can do about it now.

"Ellie?" My mom appeared in the doorway of the study and I looked over my shoulder at her.

"Hi, mom."

"What are you doing?" she came over and perched herself on the arm of the leather recliner.

I shrugged and tapped my fingernails against the keyboard. "I'm making a CD for Sean."

"Oh, okay. Your dad and I picked up some Indian food for you. We had to go and have dinner with Mr. Kip unexpectedly. It's in the kitchen."

She rubbed my back for a second and kissed the top of my head before heading out of the room. "Ellie?"

"Hmm?" I kept my eyes on the computer.

"Look at me."

I looked over at her. She stared back at me. Straight into my eyes. Why was she looking at me like that? She looked so sad.

"What mom?" she was really starting to worry me. Why did she look so upset? "Mom?" I pressed.

"Nothing sweetie," she quickly wiped at her eyes and gave me a watery smile before hurrying away.

I looked back at my computer and my shoulders dropped. What is going on? I clicked "Burn" on the computer program and rolled my chair back. I really hope Sean will like the CD I just made him. It featured a few of my favorite songs. I heard footsteps coming and turned just in time to see my dad walking quickly past. "Dad!" I called out.

I rushed to the doorway and saw him freeze. "Dad?" I noticed he was carrying his traveler's bag. "Where are you going?"

"I-uh... Elle-Belle, let's sit down."

I don't like the sound of this. My dad was looking at me solemnly as we entered the study and closed the door behind us. I sat at the edge of the couch and crossed my ankles. My dad set down his bag and his briefcase and paced back and forth in front of the door.

"Why didn't you tell me?" My dad stopped pacing and stared directly at me.

"Tell you what?" What's he talking about?

"About your mother. What she did. What she's _been doing_."

I felt like a hand had grasped my throat. What was he _talking_ about? What did mom do? "What?" I whispered.

"The drinking. The leaving you behind. Going to rehab. And now she's out of control again... God, I'm so stupid." My dad muttered the last part to himself.

How did he find out? "How'd you find-..."

"Did you think you could hide it from me? I'm not stupid, Ellie. And just because I'm not around a lot, doesn't mean I don't notice things. Like the three empty bottles of whiskey in your mom's desk at work. Or the fact that our bedroom walls are still taupe even though you _said_ they were being painted... Why couldn't you just tell me?"

I stood up quickly and felt the blood rush to my head. _Hold on. Hold on._ My dad turned away and I let myself stumble back into the couch and fall down. God... I tried to get back up again. This time more slowly. I managed to stand up and walk closer to my dad. "I didn't want you to be upset. I have it under control, dad."

"No, you don't!" my dad bellowed. He spun around and I saw how angry he really was.

I backed away, tears threatening to spill over. My dad has _never_ yelled at me. I choked back a sob and put my hand to my mouth. Why was he _yelling_ at _me_? "Dad!" I sobbed.

"I'm sorry, Ellie..." my dad whispered and grabbed my hand. "I'm just so upset with your mom. She told me she would never spin out of control again. She said she'd take good care of you while I was gone. And she _abandoned_ you..."

"No, dad..." I tried to tell him that she didn't abandon me, but how could I lie to him like that? He already knew the truth. I can't help my mom now.

"She confessed everything to me, Ellie. She told me about her drinking, how you had to take care of her, how she left... and how you made her promise never to tell me... Why would you want to keep this from me?"

My dad was really hurt. I can tell by his face. I flushed and looked down at my feet. "I don't want you worrying, okay? I have it all under control. I can take care of mom, I can take care of myself, I can take care of everything."

"You're only fifteen."

"That doesn't matter. I know how to take care of every-..."

"You're only fifteen," my dad interrupted me again.

What does he mean: I'm only fifteen? Is it _my_ fault that I know how to take care of everyone at the age of fifteen? No. It's his. His and mom's. They're the ones who taught me to grow up at the wonderful age of nine. They forced me to learn how to cook and do laundry and clean and forge their signatures on field trip permission slips.

"You shouldn't be taking care of everything at fifteen..."

There he goes again.

"And who's fault is that, _dad_?" I crossed my arms and walked over to the window. It was pitch black outside. "You're the one who has always left me to fend for myself. You and mom are to blame for all of us. So don't you dare put all the blame on her!" I can't believe I'm sticking up for my mom.

"Ellie..."

"You _knew_ how she could get, and you still left me alone with her. If you were so innocent in all of this, you would have gotten her help a long time ago. But you didn't. It'd be too embarrassing for your wife to be put in rehab for alcoholism."

"You know I'm not good at that. Look at you."

"What do you mean, look at me? What did _I_ do now?"

"You didn't stay in rehab long."

"Because I didn't need to be there!"

"You convinced me to take you out, and so did your mom. I can't help it. I'm a weak man, okay?"

"I don't understand why you're so mad. Maybe if you didn't go off and leave us all the time, mom wouldn't be resorting to alcohol for all her problems."

"Your mom said she found two bottles of vodka in your room."

"Yeah, I _drink_! It's the only way to forget about you and her and everything else... So put me in rehab if you want... I know if I asked, you'd pull me out in a second. You're right, you are weak."

My dad bent his head for a second. He looked back up at me. "I wish you would have just told me..."

"Well, I didn't. What do you want from me now?"

"To come with me."

"What?" I backed up and put a hand against the wall for support. What did he mean go with him?

"Your mom and I... we're... honey, we're going to separate for awhile. See how it goes."

"What?" I shook my head slowly. "No. You can't."

"We are. And I want you to come with me. Your mom needs to be alone for a little bit and sort of her problems."

"No! You love her! You love each other. You can't just _leave_ her, dad."

"We both decided this would be the best thing for us right now. We still love each other, sweetie."

"Don't call me that. Don't act like you care about me. If you cared about me you wouldn't be leaving me right now."

"I'm not leaving you..."

I swallowed. "Yes, you are... Because I'm not going with you. I'm staying with mom." Take that, dad...

I felt a tear slide down my cheek.

My dad blinked five times before saying anything. "Please reconsider..."

"At least I know what it's like to live with mom. I can't even remember what it's like to live with you."

I know I'm hurting him, but what am I supposed to do? My mom needs me. If I leave her now, who knows what she'll do. My dad knows what it's like to be on his own for long periods of time. My mom doesn't.

My dad walked forward to hug me, but I turned away from him. "Goodbye, dad."

My dad left. He didn't even tell me he loved me. I let the tears fall freely now. I can only imagine my mom is lying on her bed crying her eyes out right now. What is happening to my family? We used to be happy. It never used to be this hard to be a Nash.

I never thought my parents would separate. And now here they are, living under two different roofs. And it's my fault. Even my dad said it was. He said I should have told him. I was the one who convinced my mom to keep it a secret. I was afraid that _this _would happen. And no matter how hard I tried to fix things and make everything perfect, it all just fell apart.

**Marco**

"It's about time!" I walked through the front door of Ellie's place and looked around. I had been standing outside for what seemed like forever. I noticed the look on Ellie's face and immediately knew something was wrong. "Ellie? What's wrong?"

"I really messed up."

"What?"

"My dad... he left. Him and my mom are separating. My mom's been crying all night..."

"What?" I always thought the Nash's were happily married. Ellie always talked about how in love her parents were. She didn't understand how two people that in love could stand to be apart from each other for so long.

"My dad found out about my mom's drinking. And how she left me. Yeah, it's my fault."

"It's not your fault!"

"Yes, it is... I told my mom not to tell him! It's all my fucking fault."

I could tell it was tearing her up inside. She looks so fragile. "Come on, let's go talk about it." I helped her walk up the stairs and we ended up in her room on her bed.

"Okay, talk to me."

"I already told you everything."

"Nothing else happened?"

"My dad asked me to come with him."

"And... you didn't...? I thought you'd jump at the chance to get away from your mom."

Ellie laughed cynically. "She may be a bitch sometimes, but at least I know what it's like to live with her. She's the one who's been here for me. Even if she's been drunk most of the time."

"You can't keep taking care of her. You have to do something that makes you happy once in awhile."

"Yeah, but she needs me. I can't abandon her."

"Why? She abandoned you," I barked. Just the thought of Ellie living alone, scared that her mom was never coming back, trying to deal with everything by herself made me so angry. How can a mother do that to her daughter? "If I were you, I'd get as far away from the bitch as I could."

"Don't ever talk about my mother like that!" Ellie glared at me.

"She hurt you."

"She's my _mom_. And she hasn't always been this way, okay?"

I nodded my head and dropped the subject on how much of her waste her mom was. I don't understand how Ellie can defend her after everything she's done. I don't know what I'd do if I was in the wrong mood and ever came face to face with her mother. I'd probably lash out, that's for sure.

"So..."

"What am I going to do, Marco?" Ellie fell back on her bed and I followed her. She covered her face with her hands and I noticed that her shoulders shook a little. She was trying not to cry.

"It's going to be okay, Ellie. Separation isn't definite. I'm sure it's just temporary..."

"I don't even understand why my dad's doing this! He knows my mom is sorry, he knows she's gone to rehab..."

"Going to rehab doesn't automatically make you better. And your dad doesn't like what she did to you. What position she put you in. Your dad really cares about you, Elle. He's trying to look out for you."

"But I told him that I'm fine. If he's only looking out for me, then he'd do what I want him to!"

I ran my fingers on her cheeks as she looked at me helplessly. "There's a lot of trust missing in your parent's relationship. Be patient. It _will_ get better. I promise." Hopefully this is a promise I can keep.

Ellie nodded and I could tell she was feeling a little better. "Stay with me, Marco?"

I nodded and we lay in her bed, facing each other. It's funny how our roles are reversed. Ellie was the girl who was always helping me with all of my problems. Problems that I seemed to have everyday. Now I'm the one helping her. I pressed my lips against her forehead and waited until she fell asleep. I pulled the covers over us and then brought her closer to me. I looked at her face while she slept and noticed she was frowning slightly. It was pathetic how much drama was in her life at the moment. Why couldn't the powers that be just leave her alone? I closed my eyes and did something I hadn't done in awhile. _God... if there is a God... please don't let Ellie hurt anymore than she is now. She can't take much more of this. And I can't take much more of watching her get hurt._

**Ellie**

**_ Anna Karenina places a lot of emphasis on love. What kind of love is shown in the book- romantic, brotherly, platonic...? How do each of the characters describe love?_**

_There is no such thing as being in love. People may love each other as friends or as a family, but even that's rare. And most of the time it's not even unconditionnel. If there was such a thing as true love in this world, no one would be lonely or depressed or feel hurt all the time. Families would stick together, there would be no divorce, people, in general, would be happy. I used to think that love was the most wonderful thing in the world. I thought everyone had that special someone, that "soulmate", who knew them better than anyone else and would always be there for them. I was wrong. Love is false. It's a big, fucking lie, and anyone who believes in it is stupid. I should have learned a long time ago that love is just something some lunatic made up. How did I go this long believe it was real? My parents don't love me. If they did, they wouldn't leave me alone all the time. They would havecome to my gymanstic meets or my soccer games or my dance recitals. My mom wouldn't drink herself toa stupor and my dad would stay home from work once in awhile. Marco, my "soulmate", is gay. He can't love me like I want someone to. Sean didn't love me. If he did, he wouldn't have broken up with me and gotten over me so quickly. He didn't even think twice about me. And now my parents are separating. The one thing left in my life that I thought nothing could touch. I believed they were truly in love. They were my last hope that there really is love in the world. And they've totally just let me down. _

I can't turn this in. I didn't even answer the question. I looked over at Marco's sleeping form in my bed and sighed. Even though Marco doesn't love me romantically, I can find comfort in knowing that he is _the_ rare case of unconditionnel love between friends. But all that other crap? It never existed. There is no Romeo and Juliet or Rick and Ilsa... Shakespeare made it up and Casablanca is just another movie. It really hurts to have something you thought would always be there, ripped out from underneath your feet. Or, more appropriately, ripped out from your heart.

**Long chapter! Wow! Hope you guys like it. I'm going to be focusing more on Ellie's ED and her parents's separation the next few chapters. Next chapter look for Ellie and Sean at the charity auction. I'm really hoping to get Jimmy's POV in here and I think I know how to do it. I think he may give Ellie a little advice since he also knows what it's like to not have his parents around enough. Sound good? And I think I might make Hazel's parents divorced- and she may talk to Ellie, too. I don't know, we'll see how it goes. Thanks for the reviews and I should have April Child updated tonight, also.**


	21. All is Not Well

**Chapter 21: All Is Not Well**

**Sean**

I slipped out of study hall quietly and headed down the hallway. No way did I want to stick around and look at Darcy and JT flirt with each other. I'm seriously over her, but I still wonder what JT has that I don't. But whatever, who needs them? And Emma had gotten equally annoying. She kept pushing for details about Ellie and my friendship. What's it to her anyway?

So now I'm all alone roaming the hallways of Degrassi. I could go and try and get Jay out of class. On second thought, he needs to be in class. His grades suck. I could go and lift a few weights in the gym- prepare for the wrestling tryouts after school today. Then again, Coach Belter will probably be in there and will question me why I'm not in class. That would suck.

I wonder what Ellie's up to. I scanned my memory for her class schedule and remembered that she would be in the art right now. I started down the west wing and peered through the window to the art room. Yep, there she was sitting at an art table looking completely... adorable. I smiled at how her eyebrows were scrunched and she was biting her lip in deep concentration. I turned the doorknob and walked in.

"Ms. Kwan wanted to see Ellie?" I stood at Mr. Kiesel's desk and waited for his response.

He didn't even look up. "Go on, Ellie," he drawled as he continued to look through some art book.

That had been way too easy.

Ellie gave me a weird look as I grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the room. When we were at the other end of the hall, we stopped and I let go of her hand.

"What's going on?" Ellie leaned back against the wall and stuck out her hips.

"Let's just say I'm saving you from boredom," I put my hands on her hips and smiled.

She rolled her eyes. "I was doing fine back there. I think _you're_ bored. And why aren't you in class?" she accused.

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "It's called study hall, sweetheart."

"It's called you should be studying during study hall."

"You're such a slave driver. Here I am, doing you a favor, getting you out of class, and you don't even want to have fun!" I put on my best puppy-dog face.

Ellie's eyes twinkled mischievously and she pushed me away. "You want to have fun?"

"Yeah..." Where was she getting at? Maybe she wanted to head to our old janitor's closet for a little fun... that would be... great.

"Let's go!" She started pulling on my wrist towards the doors that lead outside.

"Woah, where are we going?"

"You said you wanted to have fun! Let's skip class. And just... go."

I yanked my hand away and shook my head. "Normally, I would. But today, I can't. I have my tryouts today."

"You can't skip a few classes?"

"No, I won't be able to try out if I do."

"Oh..."

I took a step towards her and lifted her chin up with my finger. "What's going on? It's not like you to want to skip classes like this."

"Nothing. I'm just sick of being cooped up in here."

"Ellie Nash, sick of school? I don't think so. You thrive off of it."

That comment got a little smile out of her, but I could see that something was definitely wrong. "Okay, let's go down to the fields and you can tell me what's going."

Surprisingly, she followed me without an argument. We sat ourselves down on the benches next to the football field , and I noticed that she shivered a little.

"Are you cold?" I took off my coat and gave it to her. At first she declined it, but after a little convincing, she finally put it on. It practically engulfed her. "You look like an eskimo," I teased. She smirked slightly and played with the zipper of the coat.

"My parents are getting separated," she blurted out suddenly.

I stared in shock at her. First of all, usually I have to persuade Ellie to spill information about _anything_. Second of all, what happened to the parents she said were so in love? I wrapped my arms around Ellie and pulled her in for a hug. "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry."

"It's so stupid," she muffled into my neck. "They're doing the wrong thing."

"Did you tell them that?"

"Of course I did! They don't ever listen to me."

"Well, there's really nothing for you to do. They have to figure it out on their own."

She laughed bitterly and crossed her arms. "Do you know why they're separating? Because my _mom_ told my dad about her drinking and _everything_. He got pissed. And so now he's staying in some hotel room. What a coward."

I reached out and rubbed her arm. "Hey, be easy on your dad. He's going through a tough time, too." I can't believe I'm the one giving Ellie advice on being easier on someone. She's always been the one to cool me down when I've been pissed off at somebody. And now, here I am, defending her _dad_, of all people. It's really amazing how things can change so quickly.

Ellie shook her head and looked away angrily.

"Your parents love each other. They'll work it out. You'll see." I did my best to cheer her up.

She looked at me, her eyes lacking any sparkle and shook her head. "My parents _do not_ love each other."

And then she stood up and left me sitting on the bleachers alone.

**Ellie**

"Where were you?"

I sat down in my seat and noticed Hazel had moved her art stuff next to mine. Even though I usually preferred to do art alone and quietly, I kind of enjoyed having the distraction. I'd take any distraction nowadays. "We went to the field."

"Oooh!" Hazel gave me a knowing look and worked on mixing her paint together. "Sounds... romantic. A little smooch during class?"

"No!" I let out a peal of laughter. "Sean and I are _not_ like that."

Hazel gave me a weird look and set down her paintbrush. "You mean you two are _not_ dating?" She put her hand on her hip.

"Um, no..." I started to shade in the tree in my landscape and gave her a sideways look. "Why?"

"I don't know..." she had that tone of voice like she knew something I didn't.

"What?" I pushed.

She shrugged and swirled her paintbrush around in her water. "It just _looks_ like you two are."

"Oh. Well, we're just good friends."

"Looks like you two are in _love_."

"We are _not_ in love." I grimaced and pressed down so hard on my paper, that the point of my pencil broke. "Damnit!"

Hazel smirked and arched an eyebrow. "Looks like someone's getting bent out of shape by my comment."

"That is not why..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save it for somebody who believes you, Miss Nash."

My mouth fell open as Hazel walked away to put her art supplies back up. What was she implying here? Sean and I did not have romantic feelings for each other anymore. I don't think I'll ever have romantic feelings for another person ever again. The bell rang and I groaned and stared at all of my art supplies spread out on the table. Of course, once again I'd be late for my next class. Could my life get any worse?

* * *

"Ellie! You going to lunch?" I raised my head from its position on my desk and shook my head no to Ashley.

"Why not?"

"I have to work on an art project. I'm so behind."

"Oh. Okay. Well... talk to you later!" Ashley bounded off to go to lunch with Paige and I let my head fall back onto my desk.

Just please, no one else talk to me...

"Ellie? Why aren't you going to lunch?"

"I have an art project to finish," I explained to Marco.

"So why are you here?"

"I'm getting ready to go! Okay?" I was starting to get really annoyed with everyone's questions.

Marco rolled his eyes at my pissy attitude and grabbed my arm. "I'll walk you to the art room. How you feeling? Is it getting any easier? You feeling better?"

"Marco. Stop with all the questions. I'm _fine_. Why should I even care?" I tried to push the subject away, but Marco was obviously not going to let it go.

"Maybe you should talk to Jimmy? I mean, I think he might know what you're going through... Or even Hazel. Her parents separated last year, remember?"

No. I didn't remember. Because I was too busy being a loner while you hung out with the popular crowd.

"Hey Ellie!" Emma Nelson waved at me from across the hallway and started walking my way.

And now? I'm the freaking popular one. Whoever thought I'd have all these people concerned with why I'm not going to lunch or why I have to finish an art project... It's like- I'm sorry, but can I please have a little "me time" because my life is seriously going to shit right now.

"Hey Emma," I responded warily.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Okay, well... Are you coming to lunch?" she looked at me hopefully, but I frowned and shook my head. "Oh, okay. Well, I'll talk to you later then."

I clasped my wrist and held it up to my chest. I seriously wish sometimes that I could just disappear.

"Ellie?"

I spun around and clenched my fists. "What!"

Craig flinched and ran a hand throw his thick dark hair. "I just wanted to know if you wanted to practice for the show?"

I let out a sigh and looked at my watch. I didn't _really_ have to work on art, it was just another excuse to get away from everybody and from food and from everything. Plus, I didn't want to hear anything about my parents, and I'm sure that Marco and Ashley wouldn't have stopped talking about it. So what would the harm be in practicing with Craig for awhile?

"Fine."

**Craig**

"Okay, so I thought you could sing the first verse, then we both sing the chorus, I sing the second verse, and so on and so on... Does that sound good?" I started tuning my guitar and glanced up at Ellie.

She sat down on a stool across from me and nodded, looking tired and worn out.

"You okay?" I asked distractedly as I plucked at my strings.

She crossed her legs and nodded. "I'm completely fine."

"Bullshit," I joked. But I didn't press any further. "Okay, I thought it might be cool if we started off with just you singing... no guitar. And then, I'll bring in the guitar on my verse, okay?"

"Sounds effective."

"That's what I thought. I was also thinking that... well, maybe you'd want to play guitar, too?"

Ellie shrugged and played with the hem of her skirt. "Why not? Since I'm already singing..."

I made an ugly sound on the guitar. "Listen, if you don't want to do this, no one's making you. It's not too late for me to ask Ashley."

"Okay, fine then..." She got up to leave, and I realized the horrible mistake I had just made.

"Wait! But she's not as good as you. You're so much better. And... well..." I desperately tried to think of a reason she would want to do this. The homecoming dance came to mind. "Isn't it _your_ turn to be in the spotlight? Don't you want to be more than just the biggest slut or bitch or whatever? This is your chance to prove that you're not _only_ the homecoming queen, but also a great musician." I lied it on so thick, if that didn't get her, nothing would. I could tell she was mulling it over in her head. "So, what do you think?"

I gestured towards the empty stool and she reluctantly took it. "That's what I thought..." I gave her my best smile and she slowly returned it. "Ellie Nash... I think is going to be the start of a _beautiful_ relationship."

"... the weary world rejoices. For yonder breaks, a new and glorious morn. Fall on your-..."

I stared dumbfounded at Ellie instead of joining in for the chorus. I can't help it, though. Her voice... it's amazing.

"Uh, Craig?" she waved a hand in front of my face and kicked at my chin with her boot. "You okay in there?"

I shook my head and smiled big. "Yeah, I'm great. It's you..."

"What? Is it bad? Do I sound bad?" Ellie put a hand to her throat and cleared it. "Because I think I'm coming down with a cold or something."

I laughed and took her hand away from her throat. "No! You sound amazing. Beautiful." I whispered the last word.

Instead of grabbing onto my guitar and starting to play like I _should_ have done, I was sliding my fingers along Ellie's cheek. Why does this have to happen to me? I'm finally happy with Ashley, and then _this_ happens. I meet someone, or rediscover someone, who makes me forget about everything I know about life. Who completely gets into my head and messes with me. And not only is she smart, beautiful, and wickedly funny... no, she's the best singer I've ever heard in my life. She's right up there with my mom.

"Craig, get your sleazy hands off of me."

I glanced down and noticed that one of my hands had traveled up her leg, underneath her skirt, and was now occupying a spot on her thigh. I took it away and glanced up at Ellie. Leave it to her to have her no-nonsense look on at this moment. I'm a horrible person.

"Sorry... Okay, where were we?"

"We were at the part where you were too busy making a move on me to sing."

God, you have to love her frankness. I coughed to try and cover up my embarrassment, but I'm sure my flaming red cheeks gave me away. "Sorry... Okay, from the top. Begin."

And she sang. And it was angelic. And I think I may be a pathological cheater.

**Ellie**

So, although I'm totally now in the mood right now, I'm going to go support Sean while

he tries out for the wrestling team. It's the least I can do- I did kind of run off on him today. I walked into the auxiliary gym with my backpack and video camera and sat down on the bleachers. I might as well capture this moment forever. I juiced my video camera up and got started on taping the tryouts.

There was Spinner... That Nate kid... JT Yorke?... that's weird. Finally I spotted Sean and focused the camera on him for awhile. He was sparring with some kid named Derrick Winters. Derrick's pretty nice. He's in the photography club with Craig and I. They stopped sparring and happened to look in my direction. I waved and showed them that I was taping them.

Sean and Derrick smiled back and then tried to act all macho in front of the camera. Boys will be boys, I guess.

"I didn't know you were trying out for the wrestling team, Ellie..."

I groaned in my head and plastered a fake smile on my face. "Paige, say one more thing and I'll stick this up you're a-..."

"Oh please. I was just fooling around. Some people are so touchy. Some people meaning you."

"Yeah, I gathered that."

Paige tossed her blonde locks over her shoulder and nodded towards Sean. "Sean's looking quite yummy today. Those wrestling uniforms really do fit in _all_ the right places..."

I half-smiled and raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, I especially like how tight it is in the butt."

"Did Ellie Nash really just agree with me?" Paige gave me an amazed look and faked a heart attack.

"Yeah, well, don't get used to it. Once in awhile I take pity on people like you and-..."

"I knew it was too good to be true. Oh, they're starting! Look at Spin!"

I rolled my eyes, but still lifted my camera to catch Spinner in action. He easily pinned Max Rutherford to the mat and held him there for a good time. Standing up, he took to cheering himself on. He raised his arms above his head and did a victory dance.

"Spinner, over here!" I gestured for him to do something for the camera.

Oh, he did something all right. He took one look at me and immediately his face grew bright red. And that's not the _only_ physical change he had.

"Oh my God, he has a boner!" Paige mumbled embarrassed. "From _you_!" She looked at me accusatory and I lifted my hands in a helpless gesture.

Hey, it's not my fault Spinner has the obvious hots for me.

"Your lover-boy is next!"

"My lover-boy?"

"Sean."

"He's _not_ my lover-boy."

"That's not what I heard. Hazel told me you guys snuck out of class together to go hang out at the field. People only leave school to go to the field for one thing."

"Yeah, we talked."

"Please. I'm not stupid."

"You aren't?"

"You guys totally made out! You're totally in love with him, Ellie Nash. Look, you're blushing!"

I gritted my teeth and kept my eyes focused on the tryouts in front of me. "I am _not_ in love with Sean Cameron. Now shut up before I ram this camera down your throat."

We watched the rest of tryouts in silence. Sean won his spar easily, and Coach Belter gave him a ton of praise for a move he did. I can't even begin to explain what he did, seeing as I know absolutely nothing about wrestling. Whatever he did, though, it was amazing.

After the tryouts were over, I walked down the bleachers to where Sean was standing with Coach Belter.

"...find a manager for the team. Do you know of anyone?"

Sean shrugged and looked over in my direction. Suddenly a huge smile spread across his face. "Ellie can do it!"

"Um, excuse me? Ellie can do what?" What exactly was he volunteering me for?

"You can be the manager of the team. You know, make sure we have water, towels, give us a pep talk... You can make sure we're all up on our studies."

Why did Sean have to add that? He knows how much I love telling people what to do and how to study and all that stuff. Still? Wrestling team manager- sounds like a drag job to me.

"You would get a Varsity letter for it."

Varsity letter? I _was_ supposed to have a Varsity letter for cheerleading. That is, until I was kicked off the squad for "health reasons". Bullshit.

"It'll look great on college applications," Coach Belter persuaded.

Sean gave me an irresistible smile. Well, this way I would be able to make sure he was keeping up on his studies... "Well, _maybe_..."

"Great. Thanks, Miss..."

"Nash."

"That's right. Miss Nash. I'll talk to you more about your duties on Monday, if you could swing by practice for a few minutes."

I nodded and watched him go back towards his office before facing Sean. "Thanks, Sean. Now I have yet another responsibility."

"You could have said no."

"How was I supposed to say no to a face like that?"

Sean smiled and reached out to tickle me. "I'm that irresistible? Damn!"

I screeched as Sean held onto my sides and pulled me towards his sweaty figure. "Disgusting! Gross! Get off of me!"

Finally he let me go and he grabbed his water bottle. He took a swig and wiped off with a towel before placing an arm around my shoulder. "Thanks for being here. I didn't know you would be."

"Where else would I be?" I smiled up at him.

"Well, thanks again. I've never had this much support in anything."

"I _am_ making you go to a charity auction tomorrow night."

"Yeah... I guess you are..." Sean grimaced and stuck out his tongue.

"It won't be that bad, I promise!" I held up my hands in scout's honor and smiled sweetly.

Sean rolled his eyes and messed up my hair. "Yeah, sure..."

"You forgive me for storming off today?"

"Of course. But are you going to be okay tomorrow? I'm assuming both your parents will be there?"

My eyes darkened and my body visibly flinched. I hadn't even thought of that. How were my parents going to act tomorrow? Would they pretend to be all happy and in love as they had for so many years in front of me? Or would they tell the truth and announce their separation?

"Yeah, they'll be there. But who cares. They can go to hell, for all I care."

**Okay, so I lied. Charity auction next chapter. I'm sure drama will come up between Ellie and her parents... Sean might find out something about Ellie he never knew... who knows, we'll see. Thanks for the reviews. And as always both reviews and suggestions are welcome. Would you guys be interested in seeing Ellie's mom or dad's POV next chapter?**


	22. Disposable Heroes

**Chapter 22: Disposable Heroes**

**Sean**

I checked my reflection in the window before ringing the doorbell. I looked fine. Sharp,

even. Except for the tie... The tie was a mess. I'm sure Ellie will fix it, though. I heard footsteps tapping against the hardwood floors and the door flung open. Mrs. Nash stepped aside to let me in and closed the door behind me. "Ellie will be down shortly."

And then she left.

Wow, chilly response. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and rocked back and forth on my heels. I guess I could just go and sit in the living room. I sat down on one of the impeccably clean couches and cracked my knuckles nervously. I don't have any idea of what to expect tonight. Is it just a dinner? Is it an actual party? I pulled at the collar of my shirt to let some air through. I am _sweating_, man. And my throat's dry.

All of a sudden, my eyes came across the table at the far end of the room covered in different bottles and little glasses. I looked around. Mrs. Nash wasn't around, Ellie wasn't around. Why not? It's what it's there for.

I crossed the room in five strides and grabbed a little glass and a bottle filled with... I took a sniff... Scotch, I'm guessing? I took a few sips and flinched at the burning it made down my throat... but then it made me feel all warm inside. Immediately, I forgot about my nerves.

"Should you be drinking?" A voice called out from the doorway.

I slammed the glass down and turned around guiltily. Great. Leave it to me to already piss Mrs. Nash off for the night. "Sorry, I just-..."

"It's fine. I don't have room to talk. Just don't let Ellie see you."

"Mrs. Nash-..."

"Call me Elisabeth. I feel so _old_ when people call me Mrs. Nash. Besides, I'll be Elisabeth Badeau soon anyways..." She turned around and faced the fireplace. I have a feeling she may have started crying, but I don't know...

"Mom? Sean?"

I turned my attention away from Ellie's mom and turned towards the doorway leading to the foyer.

Wow.

"Ellie, you look... beautiful..." I walked over to her and grabbed her hands, admiring how gorgeous she looked. She was wearing a dark turquoise silk dress that hit just above her knees.

She stuck out her strappy sandals in front of me. "You like my shoes? And my belt?"

I took in her vintage looking belt and shoes and nodded. I don't really know much about fashion. Actually, I know nothing. But I know she looks beautiful.

"Ellie, sweetie, you look great. Are you ready to go?" Ellie's mom... _Elisabeth_... came forward, clutching to her purse.

Ellie set her jaw and grabbed my hand. "Come on, Sean. _We're_ going to take one of my dad's cars."

"Ellie!"

I turned my head back and gave Mrs. Nash a helpless look. What was I supposed to do, though? Obviously Ellie is pissed off at both her mom and dad. I don't really blame her either. They've really just messed up her life, once again.

**Ellie**

"Can you believe her? Calling me _sweetie_. Acting as if everything is fine. What a joke..."

I muttered as I dug through my purse for the keys I had taken from my dad's study earlier. The Lexus was just calling my name. I unlocked the doors as Sean said nothing and stepped into the driver's side.

"Ellie? Shouldn't I drive? You don't even have a license..." Sean kept me from pulling the door shut.

"Sean? Back off!" I wrestled the car door away from him and shut it up with a bang. "Are you getting in or not?" I snapped as he just stood there.

I jammed the key in the ignition and started it. Sean got into the passenger seat and clicked his seatbelt in. "Ellie? Seatbelt..."

"Leave me alone."

"Is this how it's going to be all night? Because if it is, I don't want to go."

I gave him an apologetic look and shook my head slowly. "No, sorry. My mom has just been really overdoing it lately."

"She cares about you. I can't believe I'm saying that, but she does."

I looked out the windshield and continued to shake my head. I could feel tears just starting to come out. But I am _not_ going to breakdown. I'm _fine_. I can handle everything that life is throwing my way lately. I'm strong enough.

"Let's just go." I put the car in reverse and started backing out of the garage.

"Just please get us there in one piece?" Sean pleaded.

At the sound of his voice, I slammed on the breaks. "What?" I cried nervously.

"Ellie!"

"Sorry, just don't... don't distract me."

"Oh. Okay." Sean made a big show of praying and I shot him a dirty look.

"Watch it, Cameron."

"How about you watch the road and don't kill me tonight."

"Certainly." I relaxed my shoulders and started focusing on the task I was doing. A feeling of dread was bubbling in the pit of my stomach. I just _know_ tonight is going to be a disaster. I swear, though... If my parents even _try_ to talk to me, I'll let them have it. They just better stay the hell away from me.

**Christian Nash**

"Hello, Elisabeth," I swallowed hard and resisted the urge to hold her in my arms and tell her that everything's okay. Because it isn't. She let me down, and, most of all, she let my daughter down. "Where's Ellie?"

Elisabeth averted her eyes to the table setting. "She went with Sean. I don't know when they'll be here."

"She didn't come with you?"

"In case you've forgotten, our daughter _hates_ me. Not that I don't blame her or anything..."

I sighed and folded my arms. Here I am, trying to make things _right_ and it's so damn hard. And to make it even worse, I have to be at this stupid charity auction when I should be trying to set things straight with my family. How are we supposed to make things better when we have to stand here and pretend to be happy and perfect?

"Christian! I hear you're buying out Grover's?"

I sighed and turned around with a big smile on my face. "Buck, buddy! Yeah, buying them out. Great investment." Like I really want to talk business at this point.

I noticed a flash of red out of the corner of my eye and recognized Ellie coming through the doorway with some guy... What was his name again? Shane? Sam? _Sean_. That's right. Why was he here? I didn't know this was his scene. I excused myself from conversation with Buck Holiday and started towards my daughter and her date. She quickly fixed me with a glare and tried to pull Sean in another direction, but his feet were firmly planted.

Thank you, Sean.

"Hey, sweetie... Sean..."

Sean gave me a polite nod, but Ellie turned her attention towards the orchestra in the corner. I gave Sean a helpless look, but he shrugged in response.

"Ellie, would you like to take your coat and purse over to our table?"

"I'm not sitting at your table," she spat.

"Please?" I sounded utterly pathetic, but that's how I feel right now.

Ellie's eyes softened for a second, but hardened quickly. This was tough for her, too. We've never been like this towards each other. It's always been her and me. We've always been like best buddies.

"Ellie, darling!" Elisabeth came up by my side with a huge smile pasted on her face. She was trying way too hard.

Ellie gave her a disgusted look and grabbed onto Sean's hand. "Come on, Sean. Let's go find our own table."

"You have to sit where they placed you!"

"I've never been one to follow the rules."

"Eleanor Nash, don't you _dare_ embarrass me in front of everyone," I hissed. I knew it was the wrong thing to say, but it got her to stop.

"Dad, don't try and run my life. I don't need you, I'm fifteen."

"Yeah, well, I don't like you at fifteen!" I had to keep myself from shouting the words. She was just so... irritating! She wouldn't listen to a damn word I was saying.

She stared at me open-mouthed and wide-eyed. "I can't believe you just said that! That's horrible, daddy..."

"I'm sorry..." I tried to explain myself, but she had already run off with Sean.

"Great going, Christian..." Elisabeth muttered as she took a sip of champagne from her class.

I squinted my eyes and fixed her with a accusing stare. "Are you sure you should be drinking? It's what got us in this mess, in the first place... You and your _habits_, your _dirty secrets_."

"Oh, please... I know what I did was wrong, okay? Don't you think I'd take it back if I could? I can't, though. Ellie made me promise not to say anything. I already went against her wishes, why do you have to punish me even more?" She set her almost full champagne glass on a server's tray as he passed and brushed past me.

I felt my face tighten with embarrassment, worry, helplessness, and every other bad feeling I could feel at that moment. It's all my fault. If I had stuck around instead of always going off to work or on business trips or to Kabul, things wouldn't have gotten this out of hand. Elisabeth, Ellie, and I would all be one big happy family, and we could go on with our lives as we had always planned: together. At that moment, I realized I had to swallow my pride. I have to apologize for my contribution to this entire mess, or else nothing will ever get resolved. Ellie will go on hating me, and I can't live with that.

"Excuse me," I flagged down a server and grabbed a flute of champagne off his tray. "Thank you."

Well, here goes nothing...

**Ellie Nash**

"Okay, that girl over there is Krissy Griggs... _Huge_ slut!" I whispered behind my hand. Sean and I were sitting at our _own_ table and people watching. I enjoyed filling Sean in on everyone's dirty little secrets and their backgrounds.

Sean raised his eyebrows. "Think you can fix us up?" he joked.

"Ha ha..." I laughed dryly. "I'll see what I can do..."

I took a sip of my champagne and set the glass back down on the table. The auction was almost bearable with Sean here. I watched as he fumbled around with his napkin, his glass, knocked over part of the centerpiece and hurriedly tried to set it back up before anyone saw. Poor guy. He was so nervous.

"Calm down," I put a hand on his arm and gave him a comforting smile.

"I feel like everyone's looking at me. Thinking 'what's that trailer trash doing here?'."

I squeezed my fingers around his wrist. "You are _not _trailer trash. And no one's looking at you, believe me."

"You always act as if I'm so much better than I really am. I don't understand how you can think so much of me."

Sean's eyes fell heavy and looked at me as if I was the only person in the room. My breath caught in my throat at the look in his eyes. _Why is he looking at me like this?_ Reflexively, my fingers traced themselves down his hand and fingers. Was he going to kiss me? He was certainly leaning closer to me. Our fingertips were slowly exploring each other's hand, and his breath was coming out in quicky, short puffs. My heart skipped as he leaned forward, and, instinctively, I leaned forwards also. This is it. This is it.

"Ellie?"

Damnit! "What!" I snapped harshly.

Doesn't my dad understand that I don't want to talk to him or my mom? Why can't they just leave me alone like they always did before? Why are they _now_ pulling the concerned parent act?

My dad pulled a chair out and my mom stood nervously next to him. "I want to talk to you. I have to tell you something?"

The expression on my dad's face was so morose that my heart plummeted. Did he and mom decide to just go ahead and get a divorce? Was he going to move away? What about mom? I gripped Sean's hand tightly and waited for what my dad had to say. I don't think I can bear the thought of my dad leaving me. Please, don't let him be leaving me.

"I want to apologize."

What?

He continued, "I know I haven't been around lately. With the war and my work... It's been a huge overload, and it's partially my fault that we're not the family we used to be. I haven't been around much, but I promise we'll go back to that. We'll go back to the way we were before I left for Kabul. Can you please forgive me for being so negligent?"

I could tell my dad was really trying here, but it wasn't working. As much as I want to believe him, he's wrong. He doesn't even realize what kind of family we were before the war. He thinks we were fine, that we got along. Doesn't he realize this started a long time before Kabul? Before he ever left? Him and mom have always been too busy for me. They've never paid much attention to me since I turned nine. Does my dad honestly think that we were a good family?

"I can't," I choked out. I have to be tough, no matter how hard it is. I can't let my parents continue to walk all over me, continue to ignore me, continue to just abandon me. "You act as if mom abandoned me. She did, but you did, too."

"I know, I know... the war..."

"_No!_ Not the war. Before. You've never been around. You and mom have always been too busy for me. You don't _care_ about me."

My mom stepped forward and put a hand on my shoulder. "We've _always_ cared about you! How dare you act as if we've never been around."

Once again, I'm a liar and I'm making this shit all up. Once again I've dared to tell the truth. Whatever, I don't need them. I don't need _anyone_. "Leave me alone. Why couldn't you just stay out of my life like before? I've learned how to survive on my own, and now, here you are, trying to confuse me. Trying to make me believe you actually give a shit about me. But the minute I forgive you, you'll just leave."

My dad groaned in frustration and choked a napkin. "Just try to understand the pressure of our jobs, Elle-Belle!"

"Don't Elle-Belle me, dad. You're right, I don't understand how you can put your jobs before your _daughter_. You're _selfish. _You're the most selfish people, I know."

"Don't act as if we've-..."

"_Shut up, mom_. You have no right to talk to me about how I act, you stupid _drunk_. You told dad the entire truth, right? Did you tell him how every morning I had to make sure you were up and getting ready for work? How every day I had to come home and fix dinner, clean the house, put a bucket out for you to puke in, clean you up after you threw up all over yourself, pay the bills, make sure you got your work done, and listen to you berate me? You abused me mom, mentally and emotionally. You threw dishes at my head. You called me a low-life bitch. You told me I was good for nothing. You said I didn't deserve a father like dad. That I don't deserve anything in life. That I was a _mistake_! Did you tell him that? Huh?"

My mom turned away and I saw a few tears roll down her cheek. My heart sank, and I had to keep my hands from reaching out to grab her hand, to beg her forgiveness for just treating her so badly...

"Elisabeth!" My dad stared at her in horror.

"Oh please, dad. Like _you're_ any better."

"I have _never_ laid a hand on you, I've never told you that you weren't worth anythingI've never-..."

I put my hands over my ears. Was he really doing this? Was he really acting like he did nothing wrong?

"Dad?" I placed my palms on the table and looked at him calmly. "What's my favorite color?"

"... black..."

"Red."

"What's my favorite animal?"

"..."

"A dog. I'm also quite fond of kangaroos and giraffes and platypuses. And I've always wanted a baby alligator."

My dad laughed. "What does this have anything to do with what we're discussing?"

"Who was my first boyfriend?"

"Breydon."

"No! Zeke! What sport did I play from first grade to freshman year?"

"None."

"_Soccer_. Why did Marco and I break up?"

"How am I supposed to know this?"

"_Because I told you_. I came home _crying_ and you acted as if you really cared. He was _gay_, dad! Gay! What was my favorite children's book?"

"Green Eggs and-..."

"_The Eleventh Hour_. Why did I have to see Ms. Suave, the guidance counselor at school?"

My dad sighed in frustration and glanced at my mom. She just stared at the floor. "Eleanor Brynn Nash, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever been put through. Will you please talk to me like a mature-..."

"_Because I cut_. I tore up my skin, you bastard!" I whispered forcefully before pushing myself away from the table and running off.

I rushed down the stairs to "the bathroom". The official hangout for all the messed up rich kids at these functions. I slammed my way through the door and looked at the others in the room. Jared's eyes pierced through mine.

"I was expecting you, Nash." He took a hit off of his joint and passed it to Samson McCullery, the son of Rich and Mona who's tried to commit suicide probably five times now.

"I couldn't come to one of these fine social events without checking out the bathroom. You know that, Jared." I sat down next to him and crossed my legs at the ankles. I checked out everyone else in the room. The usual suspects.

"Who's that punk you're with?" Jared coughed out.

"My friend. And he's cool."

"He smoke? Shoot up? Snort?"

"No."

"Then he's not cool," Jared chuckled and pulled out a little baggy. "Ready?"

"Yeah, but I'm in the mood for more than just coke tonight."

"Bad night?"

"You could say that. I'm so miserable."

"Well, then... How about this, too?" He pulled out a syringe and a small tube.

I nodded and licked my lips. I was shaking. "Yeah, that too."

I held my arm out and watched as he got everything ready. "Just kill my mind. I don't want to remember _anything_."

**Sean**

I came down the stairs and back to the ballroom. Where was she? I searched all over for Ellie and couldn't find her anywhere. After she had run off, her parents had excused themselves from the whole auction and had returned to the house and to the hotel. I let out a sigh and ran a hand through my hair. Ellie had really been hurt tonight. I laughed bitterly remembering how her father knew absolutely _nothing_ about her. Granted, favorite colors and animals aren't the most important things in the world, but this is her _father_. Or, as she calls him, her _daddy_. What a chump.

I checked the ballroom one last time. My eyes scanned the entire room, but I didn't even see a flash of red hair or anything. This was getting frustrating. I turned back around and noticed a staircase to my left. I hadn't seen it before. Maybe she had run off down there.

I started down the stairs and walked down the dim hallway. It didn't look like anybody came down here. That made it a logical choice for Ellie's getaway. As I came closer to the end of the hallway, I heard soft voices coming from one of the rooms. My nose was hit by the pungent scent of marijuana. Someone was getting high down here.

I doubt Ellie's down here.

And then I heard her voice.

"-...Can't wait to get the hell out of here. I just want to _leave_."

I cocked my ear and walked closer to the doorway. I couldn't make out the other muffled voices, but there seemed to be a group in there. I slowly opened the door and peeked through the crack. So _this_ is where all the teenagers go during the party. Maybe they had a little extra alcohol to share. I was really starting to feel the pressure of the rich and famous.

I opened the door more and stepped in through the doorway. No one even looked up. They group was just sitting against the walls or a few were propped up on the counter, their heads against the mirrors... They were _fucked up_.

I saw a guy laugh as he took a hit from a joint and then offered it to some kid next to him before turning his attention back to whoever was sitting on his right. I could barely make out who he was talking to because this stupid girl was crawling around in the way. I craned my neck to get a glimpse of who this guy was talking to. Maybe he was talking to Ellie.

But he_ couldn't_ be talking to Ellie. Because Ellie Nash, Miss Perfect... Miss A Average... Miss Teacher's Pet..., would _never_ be laying there, head resting back against the wall, eyes closed, ashen skin, chest heaving, as some stranger stuck a needle into her arm. She would never be smiling and laughing as some other kid arranged a few lines of cocaine on a mirror and held it up underneath her nose. I watched some kind held a rolled up dollar bill underneath her nose and she snorted the contents off of the mirror. It couldn't be her.

But it was. I stumbled back out through the door. I have to forget everything I just saw. I can't remember this. But making my way upstairs, I couldn't erase the memory out of my head. I'm not a saint. I've tried a few things before- namely weed and ecstasy, but only a few times. I've never tried anything as hard as cocaine or heroin. What is she _thinking_?

Tears stung my eyes as I bolted up the stairs. I can't believe her. Why would she even do drugs? She has it all. She's no better than her parents. She's just as selfish. My face crumpled as I stormed through the double front doors and outside. Damnit, it had started to rain. Who gives a shit, though. Obviously Ellie doesn't give a shit about anything.

I just don't understand how someone as special as her can hurt herself so badly. Tearing at her skin, poking holes in her arms, fucking snorting crap into her nose. I jammed my hands into my trouser pockets and started to run a little. The rain ran down my face, and I couldn't tell if I was still crying or not. But from the tightness in my chest, the aching in my stupid heart, I think I am. Ellie can bitch all she wants about her parents abandoning her, her hero of a father letting her down, but she's no better. She was like _my _hero. I looked up to her. I thought she was the best thing ever. I thought she had it all together, that she knew everything, she had morals and values. But she's just a sham. She's just another disposable hero.

**Oh how I love writing angst. I hope you guys enjoy reading this chapter almost as much as I enjoyed writing it. Next chapter there will probably be some Ellie/Ms.Suave, Ellie's parents reaction to her cutting, more of Sean's reaction to finding out Ellie's secret, and hopefully something lighthearted. Maybe a reappearance of Dan? Reviews are always welcome and appreciated. Same goes for suggestions on anything. Toodles.**


	23. All Downhill From Here

**Chapter 23: All Downhill From Here**

**Sean**

Am I supposed to confront her? Am I supposed to yell and scream at her for messing up her life? What am I supposed to do? Seriously, _what _am I supposed to do? I sighed and dropped my head in my hands. I had torn off my stupid dress clothes the moment I entered my apartment. Who needs to look rich and fabulous anyway? Not me. I'm a simple kind of man. I don't need fancy clothes and cufflinks to feel good about myself. I have half a mind to burn those damn clothes, but I can't help but think of Homecoming when I see them. Homecoming. It seems like ages ago that Ellie and I were happy and she was named Junior class Queen and we were making love and...

A tear dropped out of my eyes, and I furiously wiped at them. Why should I waste any tears on her? She's selfish and fake. Just like everyone else. I wish I had never gotten that Saturday detention. I wish I had never met Ellie. I wish I had never come to Degrassi. What's the point of finding someone so perfect and _good_ if they're going to mess it up?

The rain was still falling outside. I wonder if Ellie even noticed that I had left? Probably not. She was probably too ripped up to notice. A part of me wants to believe that was the first time she'd ever done anything like that. But I know better. My head finds that to be a logical reasoning, but my heart knows better. My heart knows that Ellie's been screwing around like this for a long time. Maybe even long before she knew me. And that makes it even harder.

My cell phone rang, and I glanced at the caller ID. It was her. She was calling me. I hung the phone up. It rang again a few seconds later. And then my real phone rang. I grabbed the phone from it's desk by the table and threw it across the room. _Take that!_

So... Do I avoid her from now on? Tell her the truth and say that I saw her? Pretend that nothing ever happened? Why didn't I notice it before? Am I that blind? Am I stupid? A desperate sob escaped from my mouth, and I cringed at how pathetic I sounded. If I was a better person, a better friend, a better boyfriend, I would have noticed that she was in trouble before. That's all there is to it. I was a horrible boyfriend, and I ignored her cries for help. I should have paid more attention. I should have been there for her.

It's all my fault.

**Ellie**

Why wasn't Sean answering his phone? I tapped my foot impatiently on the marble floor

and stared outside at the rain. How was I supposed to get home? My dad had taken the Lexus away in some temper tantrum and now I was stranded. I tried Sean's phone one more time, but I got nothing. No answer at all. He better have a good explanation for why he bailed on me tonight.

I scanned my phone book. I could call Marco, but he was at a party. So was Ashley. Craig was there, too. Everyone else was out having a social life while I waited inside a dark banquet hall. I sighed and looked further down the list. No one else had access to a car. Except, well, one person...

Sigh.

"What?" a voice muttered. "Is that you, Vampy?"

"Bite me. Can you pick me up?" I really do not like asking favors of him. "_Please?_"

"Are you kidding me?"

"No," I replied in a small voice. Seriously, Sean is going to pay for leaving me behind.

"I _guess_ so. If I didn't, Sean would throw a fit. Where are you?"

I gave him directions and ended the phone call. I doubt Sean would throw a fit, considering he left me here. I put a hand to my head and tried to remember exactly what happened tonight. I remember fighting with my parents and running off, but then it starts to get just a little hazy. I went to the bathroom, met up with Jared, did some shit, and then blacked out. I don't know if it was the drugs, the alcohol, or the fact that I haven't eaten in who knows how many days that made me pass out. Whatever. At least I didn't have to look at my parents or pretend to be happy.

I can't believe I told my parents I cut.

I can't believe I finally called them out on what they've done.

I can't believe I just begged for a ride from Jay Hogart.

**Jay**

"Get in," I barked. Ellie stepped into the car delicately as I held a coat over her head. God

forbid her precious silk dress get wet. Leave it up to me to be a gentleman for once and hold a coat over her head. Getting myself wet in the process, of course.

I slid back into the driver's seat and sighed. "Where to?"

She set her head back against the headrest and sighed. "Sean's, I guess. I can't go home."

"Why not?"

I put the car in drive and started towards Sean's house. She didn't answer my question right away. I glanced towards her and saw that she was staring out the window.

"My parents and I aren't on the best of terms lately."

"I know how that is. That's how it is for me all the time."

"It sucks. I hate it."

"I don't really care anymore." Okay, that wasn't the total truth. Sometimes I do wish that my parents and I could get along and have that special relationship that every other kid seems to have with their parents. But _that's_ not going to happen. Oddly enough, it seems that all my friends are in the same situation. Sean, Alex, Ellie... God, I can't believe I just listed Ellie Nash as a friend. All things are possible, right?

Ellie turned towards me and fidgeted in her seat. "So, Sean bailed on me tonight. He just left. My dad took my mode of transportation home. It was either sleep the night in some creepy dark building or walk home in the rain- ruining my dress. Neither was an option, so I called you."

"Ellie? You can be quite annoying when you talk this much. I never knew you were such a chatterbox." I shook my head in amusement and screeched to a halt at a sudden red light.

Ellie flew forward and snapped back laughing. "Watch out!"

"Oops," I mused.

"Are you trying to kill me?"

I gave her a sly wink. "That was the plan..."

She rolled her eyes and tapped her hands against the dashboard in beat with the music. It's weird, but sometimes Ellie and I seem to get along better than anyone. We both know what topics can't be brought up, and we both try so hard to piss the other off, that we end up having fun. But it's not like we're best friends or anything. That would be creepy. Besides, I can only take her in small doses.

"I'm a bit disappointed that I can't really make remarks on how you should be lying in a coffin..." I nodded my head towards her get-up.

She glanced down at her dress and shrugged. "I figured that my normal attire wouldn't be appropriate for tonight's events. The perks of having rich parents is the endless supply of credit cards. But even that doesn't make up for some things, you know?"

I didn't know. I've never had money. But I humored her anyway and nodded my head as we pulled into the parking lot of Sean's apartment complex. "So, here we are. The lovely, prestigious apartment building of Monsieur Cameron."

Ellie gave me a look that clearly said not to make fun of Cameron's living arrangements. I chose to ignore it. It's all in good fun. I have no room to talk, afterall. I drummed my fingers against the steering wheel and waited for Ellie to get out. What's she doing? She lifted her eyebrows and gave me an expectant look.

Jesus Christ. I threw open the door and stumbled out into the pouring rain. Once again, I shielded her from the rain with my coat and we ran to Cameron's door. I stood back on my heels as we waited for Sean to open the door. Come on, Cameron... I could use a beer right about now.

"Hey..." Sean gave us both a weird look. Something's different about him. I can't quite place it, but there is _definitely_ something different. I squinted my eyes at him as I passed by and sauntered over to the frigde.

"Hey, you okay?" Ellie saw it, too. She put a hand up to his cheek and I almost had the reflex to barf all over the place. How come I'm the one who always catches them in their "tender" moments?

Sean cleared his throat and stepped back. "I, uh, wasn't feeling good."

"Well."

I rolled my eyes at Ellie's critique of his grammar. Could she ever let the straight-A-I-know-more-than-anyone-and-I'm-so-much-better-than-you-I-rule-the-world act go? I was about to make some smart-ass comment about it, but Sean stopped me when he grabbed her hand and led her to the bedroom.

"Can we talk?"

Ellie gave me a quick look and nodded. "Yeah..."

I followed them with my eyes as they retreated into the bedroom, the door promptly closing behind him. Oh great... "Don't mind me! I'll just _sit_ out here while you guys _bang_. Or I can just go..." I downed the rest of my beer and threw it away in the trashcan.

Holy crap... Since when did I become so _tidy_? This is not like me. I snatched the beer can back out of the trash and threw it on the ground instead. There, that's better. You know, some people can change as much as they want to, but it's always comforting to know that _some_ people never change. Like me.

**Sean**

Ellie took a seat on the bed and crossed her legs. "I was worried when I couldn't find you.

Truthfully, I was a bit pissed, too. I didn't know how to get home. My dad had the Lexus taken home, and then him and mom left... Thank God, I got a hold of Jay."

I can't even look at her. So I'm staring in the mirror and stealing a few glances of her reflection.

"Jay was actually acting pretty decent towards me. I think it's because I helped him get a gift for Alex. Or maybe he's realizing that he can't shut people out so much? Or that I'm not going anywhere?"

Like she's one to talk about shutting people out. She could barely open herself up to me. And even when I thought she had, she still was hiding things. Suddenly, I was turning around and my mouth was opening. "Remember our first date?"

"The one where I invited Marco along?" Ellie gave me a sheepish look.

"I don't really count that one. The one after that. The one where _everything_ went wrong. That's how I know it was our first date. No first date ever goes well for me. And that one was one of the worst."

"Gee, thanks a lot. Why all of a sudden are you thinking about-..."

"I spent so much time planning it. I wanted it to be perfect. I rented our boat, like, three days ahead of time."

She interrupted me, "Yeah, and then we were late and lost the reservation!" She laughed and clasped her hands together in her lap.

"Because you took forever talking to Marco. I was so mad. And then we had to wait an hour for another boat. After that, everything was going so smoothly, until you decided to be annoying and rock the boat."

"I was not rocking the boat, _you _were!" she protested.

I shook my head, "No. You were trying to make me sea sick, remember? I told you that sometimes being on the water makes me sick."

"And then I told you that sometimes going around turns in a car makes me sick."

"So then I started rocking it, too."

"As I was standing up to get a drink from the cooler."

"And you-..."

"And I fell in." She leveled me with a glare and I threw my hands up in a helpless gesture.

"You shouldn't have started it. Anyway, you dragged me in when I tried to help you out."

"Because you were laughing at me!"

"You looked like a drowned rat."

"Gee, thanks..."

"A _beautiful_ drowned rat," I corrected myself.

She blushed and looked down at her feet. "I was wearing a white top. It was so embarrassing."

"I could see everything."

"I know."

"Actually, I didn't see everything. I pretended I did, but I was careful not to look. I knew you'd be embarrassed." Now it was my turn to blush. If it was any other girl I would have been ogling her with my eyes, but this was Ellie. And she was special.

"Thanks."

"No problem. We couldn't go out to dinner after that, like I planned. We went back to my house and Tracker made an ass out of himself."

"He was drunk."

"He made a complete ass out of himself. He kept staring at your chest."

"What chest?" Ellie quipped.

I burst out laughing and stood up from the bed, taking to pacing around the room instead of being so close to her. "We ordered Chinese. It was an hour late and cold. They brought the wrong food. You saw this wreck of a place. I got sick and threw up."

"My mom called and started screaming at me over the phone."

"You had to leave. But before you did, I managed to throw up on you."

Ellie scrunched her nose and shivered. "Thank God I was wearing a pair of your old sweats while my clothes were drying."

"Still, I _puked_ on you. And then I walked you home... in the rain..."

"And that dog chased you all the way back home. Sorry, I forgot to warn you about him. He comes around from time to time."

"I almost fell and got tore up by him. I finally made it home. I didn't think you'd want to go back out with me."

"I thought you hated me."

"I almost said 'forget it'." I scratched the back of my head and shrugged. "I didn't know if it would be worth it."

Ellie stared back at me solemnly. "And was it?"

I looked back at the mirror, this time at _my_ reflection. Had it been worth it? Our first date had been a complete disaster- everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong. And throughout our relationship- we got in little arguments, she kissed Craig, I almost got her pregnant... She made me laugh, she helped me become a better student, she helped me realize that maybe I can be a doctor, she's helped me regain a friendship with Emma and Craig and Jimmy... and she's also been doing drugs behind my back the entire time. Was it really worth it? To have all those good times, to only find out that they might have all been false? That she might have been high during those moments or that she could have been lying to me?

Ellie came up to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay?" her voice was soft and concerned. She could sense that I was shaken up about something. She just didn't realize what I was shaken about.

I looked in her eyes. How could she stand there and look at me so honestly? I searched her eyes for any hint of malice of deception, but I couldn't find any. She looked like the old Ellie. The Ellie that I could depend on for anything, even after I treated her like shit. Maybe... maybe, it's my time to help her. Maybe it was fate that I saw her. Maybe I'm supposed to help her get through this, help her stop doing drugs, help her learn to deal with things better...

And I think I can do it. I can really help her. I won't let her know I'm helping her, but I'll figure out a way. That's what the internet is for, right? And Ms. Sauve? She'll give me advice. But I won't ever let her know that it's for Ellie. I won't let anyone know. It'll be our little secret, and she won't even know I'm helping her keep it. I can handle this on my own.

I smiled at Ellie and nodded my head. "It was worth it."

**Ellie**

"Cereal?" I handed Sean a bowl and a box of Cheerios as he shuffled into the kitchenette

the next morning.

"Thanks," he mumbled and stumbled into a chair at the table. His head in his hands, he stared into the empty bowl.

I sat down in the chair next to him with my book. "Anything wrong?"

"Just tired," he yawned. He grinned at me and poured some cereal into a bowl. "Are you going to go home today?"

I stiffened at his question and shrugged. "I guess I have to."

"You can stay here."

I shook my head and opened my book to the page I had left off at. "I can't do that. My mom needs me."

"You just said last night that-..."

"Sean," I interrupted. I set him with a stare. "She _needs_ me."

"Okay, okay, grouchy."

I shook my head in amusement and went back to reading.

"Whatcha reading?"

"_A Separate Peace._"

"I thought you were reading that _one_ book... Zanny and-..."

"_Franny and Zooey_? I finished that a _long_ time ago," I placed my book cover-up next to his bowl. "This one is good. You should read it. I think you'd like it."

"I don't read."

"I know. We've had this discussion before, but I really think you should try. For me."

"Only if you do something for me."

I sat back in my chair and brought my knees up to my chin. "Oh yeah? And what's that?"

Sean opened his mouth, but shut it quickly. "Nothing. I forget."

Something tells me he didn't just forget what he wanted to say, but I let it go. If it was that important, he would tell me. We don't keep secrets from each other.

* * *

"Hey, Marco!" I chirped and punched him lightly in the shoulder.

Marco feigned being hurt and grabbed his shoulder in "pain". "Ellie, I didn't realize you had an arm on you!"

"Oh, hush. So, how was your weekend?"

"Fine. And you?"

"Eh... Not so good. But I really don't want to talk about it." I threw my books into my backpack and closed my locker door swiftly. "Did you meet anyone at the party?"

"No."

"Oh," I was a little disappointed. Marco really needs someone since he can't be with me. Well, maybe _I _could find someone for him...

I must have had a big smile on my face because Marco started looking at me weird. "Uh, Ellie?"

"Yes, Marco?" I smiled even wider.

"You're bleeding."

"What?"

"You're nose.It's bleeding..." He looked in his backpack for tissues as I lifted a hand to my nose. I stared at the spots of blood on my fingers. He's right. I am bleeding.

"Damn! How gross..."

Marco handed me a tissue and I covered my nose with them. "Do you think I can make it to the bathroom without anyone seeing me with this embarrassing kleenex over my nose?" I muttered in a pinched voice.

Marco chuckled and pushed me towards the girls' restroom. "Let's find out."

Surprisingly, no one seemed to notice that I looked like a huge freak. Marco pushed me through the bathroom doors and waved goodbye. I shuffled over to the mirror and checked the situation out. Disgusting. I grabbed a few more tissues from the box on the counter and held them up since the last kleenex was pretty much covered.

I always forget- are you supposed to lean your head back or not? Oh well. I leaned my head back in hopes of stopping the bleeding quicker. It didn't help. I started to get lightheaded, and I sat down in one of the chairs. The perks of being a girl is that you get your own little lounge in the bathroom. You do at Degrassi, anyway...

After ten minutes, the bleeding finally stopped. I have never gone through that many tissues. I decided to stay sitting for a few minutes. Finally, I stood up slowly and investigated my nose in the mirror. It looked fine. Good. Okay, back to class.

**Marco**

"What?" I felt a tap on my shoulder and I just knew it was Alex, bothering me about

something for student council. Instead, it was Sean.

"Have you seen Ellie?"

"Yeah, just a few minutes ago. Why?" He looked sick. Worried. Concerned. All of the above and then some.

"I just wanted to see her."

I adjusted the strap of my backpack higher onto my shoulder. "Is something wrong? You look like you're ready to pass out."

"I'm just... It's just... Nevermind." And then he left.

Weird.

I guess now that him and Ellie aren't going out anymore, Sean's vocabulary has gone back down to a few grunts and snorts here and there.

"The nose is good now."

I turned around and beamed at Ellie. "Great! Did you lean your head back?"

"Yeah..."

"That's bad."

I stared at him in bewilderment. "It is?"

Marco looked unsure. "I think so..."

We giggled softly and snuck into homeroom a few minutes late. Grabbing the desks closest to the door, we fell into them just as the teacher turned around. I put on my most innocent expression and stared back. Good, we were safe. I tapped Ellie on the shoulder and threw a note onto her desk.

She opened it.

_-Sean was looking for you._

I saw her scribbled something on the paper and then toss it back to me.

_-What did he want?_

_-I don't know. He wouldn't say._

_-He's been acting weird lately._

_-How so?_

_-Last night he was acting all serious. And then he brought up our first date..._

_-He LOVES you!_

_-No. He doesn't. We're friends. That's it._

_-Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure. _; )

Ellie looked at me and made a big show of rolling her eyes at my smiley face. Heck, I thought it was pretty cute. After a few moments of listening to the (boring) announcements and finally resting my head on my desk, I felt a piece of paper hit me again. Ah. Another note from Ellie. I unfolded it stealthily.

_-Do you really think so?_

Huh?

_-Think what?_

_-That he loves me?_

I stifled a laugh and crumpled the note up. She was hopeless. I gave Ellie a confused look and lifted my shoulders. She'd just have to find out for herself. But I? I hold the answer.

* * *

Ellie slid into the bench across from me and leaned her face back into the sun. "It feels good outside."

I ate a spoonful of peaches and nodded in agreement. "Finally, the sun came out. By the way, I brought you some of my mom's pasta." I placed the large tupperware bowl in front of her.

She curled her lip a little and pushed it away. "I'm not really hungry."

I pushed it back towards her. "Come on, El! It has chicken and grilled veggies in it. You love it!"

"I'm _really_ not hungry."

I furrowed my eyebrows and leaned forward. "I can't help but notice how much weight you've lost. Ellie, you _don't_ need to lose weight. You've always been tiny!"

"I've lost weight?" she gave me a confused look and leaned towards me. "I haven't weighed myself in years, so I wouldn't know."

Okay, now I'm confused. She hasn't weighed herself? She doesn't even notice she's losing weight? "You look like a stick, Elles. Have you been eating enough?"

She laughed and waved her hand in the air. "_Of course_, Marco! Why wouldn't I be?"

"It's just... after what you told me... I've been worried. Maybe you aren't eating enough. Maybe you think you are, but you aren't?"

She put her hand over mine and squeezed it. Her mouth looked tense and she spoke in a hushed voice. "Marco, don't worry. I'm fine. See, I'll prove it!"

She pulled the tupperware bowl close to her and dug a fork in. "Mmm!" She spun a forkful and popped it in her mouth. "Delicious!"

My shoulders immediately relaxed. Man, I was _already_ fixing her. If I keep this up, she'll definitely be fine and at a healthy weight in a matter of weeks. Maybe even days. It feels really good to know I'm helping someone- especially if that someone is my best friend.

**Ellie**

I put my toothbrush away and wiped at my mouth. Gross. The taste of the spaghetti was

_still_ in my mouth. I put a hand to my stomach and felt for any bulges or signs of fat. Ugh. I feel so disgusting. Like a fat pig. But I can do it. I'm strong. Really strong.

The door to the bathroom flew open and I turned around quickly. "Hazel!"

"Hey, Ellie. What's going on? Are you okay?"

Why is everyone asking me that? Do I _look_ like I'm not okay? I tapped my fingernails against the bathroom counter nervously. "I'm fine. Just... not feeling so well."

"I hear you! I think a flu is going around. I had it last week. Major throwing up!" Hazel shuddered and stepped into a bathroom stall.

"Throwing up? That sucks..." A smile slowly ran across my face. "But I think I'm starting to get sick, too... Maybe I'm coming down with the flu?"

"Wouldn't surprise me! _Everyone's_ getting it. Drink plenty of water," came Hazel's advice from the stall.

My eyes glittered, and I pushed myself away from the counter. "Oh, I will!"

"Oh! And _watch_ what you eat!" Hazel's last piece of advice was the best advice I've ever received.

"You betcha," I whispered and went back out into the busy hallway.

**Oh, poor Hazel. She doesn't know what she's started! Haha. Okay, hope you liked the chapter. I look forward to updating soon. April Child should be updated tomorrow. Keep the reviews coming!**


	24. Fixing the Problem

**Chapter 24: Fixing the Pain**

**Alex**

"Jay! Quit it!" I shrieked as Jay, once again, tickled my sides and tried to drag me towards him for a kiss. Sometimes he is just a big oaf. Especially today.

Jay grinned and settled for kissing me quickly on the cheek, pulling me into his lap all the same. Ah. I _love_ lunch. I can just sit back and relax and not have to worry about anything. I leaned my head back against Jay's shoulder and closed my eyes as the sun beat down. It was unusually warm today, maybe even the warmest it's been in months. I enjoyed the feel of the heat on my bare shoulders.

"Have you seen Ellie?"

"Jesus!" Sean had totally scared me out of my reverie. All I want is to have a little peace and quiet. I rarely get any- with my mom's boyfriends screaming, Paige yapping away at work, Jay always complaining about something, and now Sean here is acting like Ellie's bodyguard _again_. I don't see what his deal is. Why won't he just leave her alone for, like, two seconds?

Jay grunted and wrapped his arms back around me. "She's probably avoiding you, stalker boy."

"Shut up, man. I just have to ask her something."

"Yeah, that's what you _always_ say. And then you don't. What's with you?" Jay's voice had a hint of concern. Was my boyfriend actually gaining... feelings? Woah...

Sean took a seat on the steps beside us and pulled his hat off, revealing his messy hair. "Nothing, okay? I just... I just need to know where she is."

"All the time?" I stressed. Seriously, let the girl breathe! The poor thing looks stressed out enough as it is, Sean doesn't need to add anymore to that.

Sean gave me a beady-eyed look and shook his head in frustration. "You two just don't understand. If you see her, tell her I'm looking for her."

Jay and I shook our heads and waited until he was gone before discussing the scene that had just happened. "So, what do you think is up?" I leaned my head back in an attempt to look at Jay's face.

Jay kissed me on the forehead and then rested his chin against it. "Eh, probably wants a quickie before class."

I smacked him playfully. To be honest, the thought crossed my mind, too. But something tells me it's a little more serious than that. Sean looked worried. Something tells me that he knows something that he's not telling us.

"Hey..."

I snapped my head up, busting my forehead against Jay's forehead, in the process. "Shit!" Jay muttered and put a hand up to his chin. I rubbed my forehead and gave him a dirty look before registering that it was actually Ellie in front of us.

I hadn't seen her in awhile. Really, I haven't. It's been about a week, I think. Yeah, haven't seen her since Monday. That's strange... "Hey, Ellie..." I gave her a concerned look. "Um, you look like shit. Are you okay?"

"_I'm fine_," she muttered through clenched teeth.

_Ooookay_. Someone was in an extremely bad mood today. She ran a shaky hand through her long hair and then rested it on her hip. Her right leg was shaking. Constantly. I couldn't take my eyes off of the rhythm it was producing.

"Are you hopped up on drugs or something?" Jay joked.

Ellie's eyes widened and she almost looked _scared_ for a second. "What?" she screeched. But... then it _wasn't_ a screech. It was like a gargle, as if she had to choke the words out. Only Ellie Nash can make a screech _that_ low. Why am I even noticing these things? I'd rather go back to my old self. The me that didn't notice things at all.

"Chill. He was joking," I shielded my eyes from the sun and took another look at her. Yep, same old Ellie. Red hair, hazel eyes, fair skin, and made up of nothing but skin and bones. As if to prove my point, she adjusted her weight on the other leg, jutting our her dangerously sharp hip. Her pretty little mouth was screwed, and I thought she was going to keel over at that very moment.

Why haven't I ever noticed this before? She looks _messed up_.

"It's the flu."

"Huh?"

"It's the flue," Ellie explained. She pasted a little smile on her lips and shrugged slightly. "It's been going around. Lucky me, I get it and spend the entire day dry heaving over a toilet. Not very attractive."

Ooooh. So _that_ explains it. I gave her a sympathetic look and nodded my head in agreement. "That blows. Hope you feel better."

"Thanks, Alex. Have you guys seen Sean?"

"He's looking for you."

Ellie nodded and looked to her right. "Okay, well..."

Jay decided to be a jerk and opened his mouth again. "I still think you're on drugs," he teased.

Ellie stared at him for a moment before flouncing off, her red hair streaming behind her.

"You jerk!" I hit him in the arm and fixed him with a dirty look. "She's _sick_."

"Relax, I'm kidding."

"Whatever."

**Ellie**

Is it wrong that I almost _wanted_ Jay to know? It would make things so much easier if I

could share this with just one person. Jay seems like the most logical choice. I'm sure he'd be all for getting messed up once in awhile with me. Then I wouldn't have to hide it from everybody. I could just be _me_.

It's not like it's a bad thing- what I do. It's how I cope with things. I do anything to forget everything. My motto? "It's okay to let yourself go, just as long as you let yourself back." It's the best advice. Really. And it's exactly how I live life. I let myself go once in awhile, have a little fun, forget about everything for a little while, but I'm always the same old Ellie. Dependable, loyal, smart Ellie. Ellie who speaks the truth, Ellie who will do anything for her friends, Ellie who always looks out for the underdog. Ellie who let's everybody just walk all over her, Ellie who can never say no to anyone, Ellie who just gets hurt no matter what. Ellie who is made to feel like nothing by everyone. Naive, sensitive, forgettable Ellie.

Could I sound more like a TV movie of the week? Ugh, color me Kelli Martin.

I turned the corner and scanned the hallway for Sean. I've been kind of avoiding him all week. Actually, I've been avoiding everybody. I don't know what it is, but lately I just feel like everyone's out to get me. It's like everybody knows this big secret about me and won't tell me. Especially Marco and Sean. They both act all secretive and guilty and concerned all at the same time. Marco's bringing me lunch, Sean's inviting me over every night to study... Marco invites me to dinner every night, Sean tells me I can just spend the night... I really don't know what's going on. But I guess I should be taking advantage of this. Who knows how long it'll last before Sean finds another Emma or Darcy and Marco finds another Dylan.

Which reminds me... _I'm_ supposed to find Marco another Dylan... Okay, maybe not another _Dylan_, considering I wasn't a big fan of Dylan's in the first place, but somebody who can appreciate him. Somebody who can give him what he doesn't want from me. But there I go... always contradicting myself. I don't know whether or not I want Marco all to myself or if I want him to be with someone who makes him happy and giddy.

Screw it. Of course I want him for myself. I want him to be there every time I call. I want him to always be at my locker in the morning, waiting for me. I want my best friend.

But that's the point. He is my best friend. And that means I only want him to be happy. What if I can't make him happy? Me being me has never been enough for anybody. Nobody wants just Ellie.

I stole away into the bathroom. Why is it that I'm so sensitive lately? It feels like all I do is cry. Then again, my life _is_ spontaneously combusting as I speak. My parents are at each other's throats- they both blame the other for my problems, my parents are too scared to talk to me, I haven't talk to Dan in awhile, I'm avoiding the two people I want most in the world- who _finally_ seem to want me back, I've gained three pounds, and Dolce is sick right now. I'm not even going to go into how long it's been since I've had a decent night's sleep.

Without a warning, I burst into tears and leaned my forehead against the wall in the bathroom. I hugged the wall and sobbed into it, my tears streaking down the surface. "Ugh!" I cried out in the empty room, banging a closed fist into the wall. I'm just so _frustrated_ lately. I just want everything to go back to how it was before.

I can't even remember how things used to be. I don't even know what I mean by this. Nothing in my life has ever made sense. Nothing has ever been perfect or great or... I banged my wrist repeatedly into the wall. This is _not_ how I'm supposed to act. I'm supposed to be level-headed, calm, the one with all the answers. But I'm _not_ like that. I don't know anything at all.

I checked my face in the mirror and scrutinized my eye makeup. I looked fine. I didn't look like I had just been crying. _You're weak_. I narrowed my eyes at my reflection in the mirror. _And fat_. My hand went to my stomach, and I decided that trip to the bathroom stall was necessary. Just as I started to turn around, the door slammed open and Paige walked in.

"Oh _great_. What are you doing in here? Filing your fangs?"

I didn't even flinch. Nothing Paige says matters anyway.

"What happened?"

"What do you mean?" I gave her a scathing look.

"Your hand. It looks like it hurts."

I glanced down at my hand and noticed the swelling of my wrist. A bruise was already starting to form. How does she notice these things? Seriously, I mean it. She's very... perceptive. Even if it's not for the right reasons. "I fell."

Lame. I know. But she caught me off guard. Paige made a big deal of sighing and giving me a "yeah right" look, but she didn't ask anymore questions. That's one thing she's good for. She doesn't really care about you, even if she pretends she does for a second, so she'll never ask follow-up questions. I won't ever have to worry about her again.

I quickly made my way out of the bathroom and stepped out into the hall, crashing right into Emma.

"Ellie!"

"Not now, Emma. I have to go." I tried to get past her, but she put her arm out.

"I want to talk to you, Ellie..."

I feel like such a bitch. We had gotten to be pretty good friends during the whole "everyone hate Ellie" ordeal, but now... now it's just weird. I mean, I don't know really... I don't really know why I'm avoiding her- I guess the same reason I'm avoiding everyone else. I just don't want to have to listen to all their questions and have to answer them. Some things are better left unmentioned.

I looked into Emma's concerned eyes and, once again, I caved. "I swear I'll call you later, Emma. Really."

She let out a breath and nodded reluctantly. "Promise?"

"Promise."

"Fine. I'll talk to you later." And she left.

Great. Now I just have to kill ten more minutes of lunch. I could clean out my locker, study in the library, hang out in the Media lab...

"Hey, Ellie."

Or I can talk to Sean.

"Hey! What's up?"

Sean stuffed his hands into his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels. "Around. Looking for you, actually."

"Really? What do you need?" Yeah, what do you need? What do you want? Everybody always _wants_ something from me. It's not enough that I give myself completely to everyone around me. They can't just take advantage of my physically and emotionally. It's like they have to take my soul while they're at it.

Sean shrugged. "I don't really _need_ anything. I just wanted to hang out. You haven't come over in a few days."

"I told you- I've been busy."

"Doing what? Avoiding your parents? Doing your homework? Doing stuff for everybody else?"

Damn him and his string of questions. "If you must know. Yes, I've been avoiding my parents. I told Caitlin I'd work on an extra story at the station. I've been busy with yearbook, the Grapevine, photography club... I've been running the toy drive for the day care center."

"The orphanage?"

"Yeah."

"How's that going? How are the kids? When are you going back next?"

We started walking in the direction of the student lounge. "It's good. They're expanding. They're still taking in kids with no parents, but they've also added the day-care aspect. Parents who need to go to work can drop off their kids during the day and then come and pick them up later. Cynthia asked if I could put in a few hours a week- just helping out around the center. I think I might do it."

Sean stopped walking and stared at me as if I were crazy.

"What?" I asked innocently.

He shook his head in bewilderment. "You're something, Miss Nash. How can you even _think_ of adding something else to your life?"

"I'm already involved with the center. Now I'd just be involved on a weekly basis."

"Well... don't complain about stress to me then. You're the one who puts all this on yourself."

It was my turn to stop walking. "Oh, so everything is my fault?" I shot back.

"No. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that you put a lot of pressure on yourself. You shouldn't. You're a good person. I'm really proud of you. You've never disappointed me."

His tone was so... hopeful and honest. God, if he only knew how messed up I am. He sure wouldn't be proud of me if he knew I occasionally snort a few lines of coke or take a few too many caffeine pills or... ugh... I'm definitely letting him down. He can't ever know. If he ever finds out my secrets, he'll never want anything to do with me ever again. I can't have that. I _need_ him.

**Sean**

So I tried to put a huge guilt trip on her. Is that bad? I mean, it's for the best. She's seriously hurting herself, and I'm just trying to help her see what she's doing. Maybe I can convince Liberty that the announcements should include some of those "this is your brain on drugs" commercials every week. That might be a good idea actually...

So I'm taking the higher road. I'm not going to lecture her or be a hypocrite and act like I've never done anything bad before. I'm going to occasionally slip a few hints that maybe she should stop. Ellie's smart. She'll figure it out. She always does.

But she still needs a push in the right direction. That's why I'm going to Miss Sauve.

"Come in!" I heard her call out after I knocked on her door.

I walked in and closed the door quietly behind me, dropping my book bag noisily on the floor.

"Sean! I never thought I'd see you in here... voluntarily..." her eyes twinkled mischievously.

Loser.

She _loves _getting her little digs in.

"Well... I have a question."

She sat down in her chair and leaned forward expectantly, gesturing towards a chair. "Sit. Okay, what's going on?"

"It's like this. I have a friend. She's kind of... _He's_ kind of into drugs. I don't know how often or how many, but I caught her. _Him_. But she... _he_ doesn't know I caught her. So, I'm trying to figure out what I should do. I've been trying to watch out for her, but I can't all the time, you know? I don't really want to tell anybody else because she'll get upset. _He'll_ get upset."

Miss Sauve sat back in her seat and let out a deep breath. "Can you be straight with me, Sean? Seriously. It'd be easier if I knew who this was. I'm not forcing you, but... it could help to know. But only if you want to tell. Otherwise, just tell me you want to keep it anonymous."

Should I tell? I mean, what can she do, right? It's not she'd pull Ellie out of class and suspend her or anything. She's _only_ the guidance counselor. She doesn't really have any say in anything at all. She probably wouldn't ever mention it again.

"It's..."

On second thought. Miss Sauve doesn't even really need to know that it's Ellie I'm talking about. Seriously, what difference would it make? She's still using drugs. She still needs help. I still need to know what to do. Knowing that it's Ellie won't make it any easier or harder than it already is.

"I'd rather not say."

She raised her eyebrows, but nodded. "Okay. I understand. Well... can you tell me how you found her... _him_."

"Let's just call her or him an "it" right now. I found it in a bathroom at some big ritzy party. It was upset that night, pissed off, ran off. I couldn't find it. Then I went downstairs and found it on the bathroom floor- doing drugs."

"What kind of drugs? I'm guessing we're talking about marijuana here or maybe some ritalin..."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "No. It was snorting coke and shooting up heroin."

Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open slightly, quivering a little. "Wha-what?"

"Coke and heroin. Yeah. Scary combination. It seemed fine later on that night."

Miss Sauve tapped her pen against her desk and seemed to be searching for an answer somewhere on the floor. "Well, I... I never expected you to mention coke or heroin. Those are serious drugs, Sean. Whoever is using them is in serious danger. Do you know how addictive they are?"

"No. I've never used them."

"I wasn't implying... never mind... I'm sorry, Sean, but you need to tell an adult. I'm glad you came to me. You can try and convince the person that they should go to a support group. I know a few really good ones around the area. I can also try and call-..."

"Miss Sauve? I really appreciate your help, but there's no way I'm telling someone else. Now, if you can give me advice on how to do this on my own, fine, but I'm not going to some adult."

"Sean! You really need to! This is a serious problem and-..."

"And I'm serious about helping this person out. I really care about her, okay? And that's why I can't let anyone else know."

Miss Sauve pursed her lips and looked as if she wanted to argue, but she backed off. "I don't know how much you can do, Sean. Talk to her. Tell her you're worried. You just need to admit that you saw her doing drugs. She might break down and tell you what's going on. She might deny it. You need to try and understand, though, that drugs can have a huge hold on someone. Some people can try them one time and get mixed up with them their entire life after that. Some people feel as if they need them. Some just like how they feel when they take them. If you'll come in again sometime soon, I'll be more prepared on how you can help her. I just need a little time to think about it and get some resources together."

I nodded and rose out of the chair. "Thanks, Miss Sauve."

"Sean... seriously consider telling someone else. This is a huge thing to take on by yourself."

"I- I just can't do that to her. I'm sorry."

She walked me to the door and opened it for me. "Talk to Ellie."

I smiled and nodded and left the room. It wasn't until I hit the other end of the hallway that I realized she had said Ellie's name. She _knew_. How did she know? Am I that transparent? _Shit. Shit. Shit._ There's no telling what Miss Sauve will do next. It really wouldn't surprise me if she tried to stick her nose in Ellie's business again. Then Ellie would know I told on her. And she'd never forgive me. I can't have that. I _need_ her.

**Ellie**

I popped a few pills into my mouth and swallowed them with a glassful of water. There.

Hopefully those would help me stay up the rest of the night. With this extra story, a few layout problems on yearbook to work out, two tests to study for, and a book to read, it didn't look like I'd be sleeping at all tonight. As if that's a huge change from the norm.

My phone rang, and I quickly picked it up before the noise could wake my mom. No way did I want her questioning me as to why I'm staying up so late.

"Hello?"

"It's Emma. And you haven't called me yet."

_Shit._ "Sorry. I forgot. What's up?"

"You tell me. You're the one who's been avoiding me!" Her tone took on a pathetic whine.

I cringed and twisted a strand of hair around my finger. "I haven't been _avoiding_ you. I've just been busy."

"Perhaps a little too busy? You looked like hell today."

"Gee, thanks..." I muttered sarcastically. Does everyone feel the need to tell me that I look tired or stressed out or too fat or _sick_?

Emma chuckled. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that... So, how are things with Sean?"

"Um, just friends, of course. Why?"

"No reason..."

"Did you hear something?" I grasped the phone tighter and waited her answer with baited breath.

"Relax. I haven't heard anything. I just noticed you guys talking today in the hall. He actually _talks_ to you. That's something."

"We're _friends_. That's all. C'est tout!" I threw out a french phrase unexpectedly.

"Yeah, _sure_... Anyway, so... anything new going on in your life?"

I sighed and threw myself from my desk to my bed. "Oh, nothing much... Just my parents separating. The usual."

"Are you serious?"

"Is Sean brooding?"

She laughed again, but immediately stopped. "Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh... it's just... that's so true. Anyway. Wow. That must be rough."

"I don't really care," I lied. "It's for the best." There I go again, lying.

"Nobody's okay when their parents separate. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here."

I forced out a cheerful tone. "Thanks, Em. But, honestly, I'm good. I saw it coming."

"Okay... if you say so... Ah, okay, well I gotta go, but I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Save a spot at lunch for me."

"Okay, great! Bye."

"Bye."

I threw the phone across the room and turned over on my bed, face down into the pillows. Tomorrow, I'd sit with Emma and Manny. Then I'd just say I was coming down with the flu so I can only drink water. I won't have to eat any of Marco's mom's fattening pastas or deal with the constant questions of Sean, Jay, and Alex. Hey, maybe tomorrow would be a good day!

I turned my head on my pillow and looked at the pictures on my night stand. My eyes restedon a picture of me, my mom, and my dad in front of the stables. My parents had their arms around each other and looked completely and utterly in love. I was beaming. I was really happy in that picture.

No, tomorrow _won't_ be a good day. I don't know if I can have another good day again. Everything I thought was true and good in the world... isn't. It's all been a sham from the beginning- from my parents's marriage to my relationship with Sean to everything else. I tried to muster up some kind of feeling from the pit of my stomach, but I couldn't. I've felt so much in the past few days, that, now, I just feel empty. And numb. Most of all numb.

But I know a way to fix that.

**Okay, there's the new chapter. Next chapter: Sean and Ellie take Dolce to the vet (some fluffiness to lighten the mood) and... I don't even know. I'm drawing a blank here. Okay, suggestions and feedback always welcome. i love you guys!**


	25. Hey, or When the Drugs Wear Off

**Chapter 25: Hey, or When the Drugs Wear Off**

**Sean**

I grabbed the pet carrier from the back of Jay's car and shut the door swiftly. Ellie was already in the vet office checking in. "You're going to be okay, buddy!" I was talking to the cat. Now I'm crazy.

Ellie had called me up this morning, freaking out, because Dolce was acting weird. He wasn't eating, he was weak, losing weight... maybe he has a coke problem? I smirked to myself and opened the door to the office. I shouldn't be joking about it, though. Ellie's problem is serious. It's just sort of ironic how concerned she is about her cat when she has the exact same symptoms.

"They said that we should be able to get in soon. Here, let me see him." Ellie opened the carrier and picked the kitten up out of it's nesting spot. Dolce was limp in her grasp and she brought him to her chest and hugged him. "Poor thing," she whispered.

I gave the cat a scratch behind the ears for comfort. "He'll be okay, Ellie. Don't worry."

"I feel like this is all my fault. I don't take good enough care of them. Ugh! I'm such a horrible person!" Ellie kissed the cat's head and closed her eyes tightly after it gave a pathetic mew.

I brought a hand to her shoulder and squeezed if affectionately. "You're a great person. It's not your fault. He's sick. Things like this happen."

Ellie didn't buy it. She just stared straight ahead and hung onto Dolce.

"Ellie Nash?" A man appeared from a door with a clipboard in his hand.

Ellie and I both stood up and walked towards the vet. His name tag read Dr. Harvey Kick I took the cat out of Ellie's hands and handed him over to Dr. Kick.

"Hmm... he seems a bit lethargic. Has he been sleeping a lot? Inactive?"

Ellie nodded. "He won't eat. And I try to get him to play, but he just won't. Please, he has to get better."

I wrapped an arm around Ellie's small frame and pulled her close to me as the vet placed Dolce on the table and examined him.

"Hmm... I'm going to run a few tests on him. To be frank, he could be anemic, he could have cancer, or there's always the possibility of diabetes."

Ellie gasped when he said cancer and I instinctively pulled her even closer to me. The blood had drained out of her face and she placed a shaky hand in front of her mouth.

Dr. Kick picked Dolce up, "I'm going to keep him here for a few days to monitor him while the tests are done. We'll find out what's wrong with him. Don't worry."

I thanked the vet and helped Ellie out to the waiting room to check out. We set a time to come back and get Dolce and went back out to the car.

"Seriously, Elle. Don't be scared. Dolce is going to be fine, he's a strong cat."

"He's only a _kitten_," she moaned and her head fell in her hands. Man, she's really beating herself up over this.

"It's not your fault. Stop acting like it is," I hoped my words would comfort her, but they didn't. She just raised her head and looked out the window the rest of the drive back to my apartment.

"Where are we going?" Ellie finally asked as we neared my place.

"I thought you'd want to come back and keep me company." So I can watch out for you.

She shrugged and leaned her head back against the window. "Whatever."

"Don't sound _too_ excited or anything," I joked, trying to lighten the mood. She didn't respond.

After five more minutes of slow and excruciating silence, I pulled up to my apartment complex. Ellie threw the door open and stomped out. _Oookay_... I know that Dolce could be really sick and everything, but it's a _cat_. It's not the end of the world.

I didn't realize I said that last part out loud.

"What!" she turned and around and hissed at me.

"It's not the end of the world," I repeated.

Her eyes narrowed into slits and she got in my face. "Next time you think about saying that, think about _Charley_ having cancer and see how you feel."

"Don't even bring up Charley. I had him for a _long_ time. Much longer than you've had-..."

"_You_ gave me Dolce and Gabanna, Sean. They're special to me. I love those little guys. They're the only things I have right now."

My heart sank and I reached out for her hand. "You have _me_." She pulled her hand away and faced the door.

"Let's just get inside. I want to lay down."

I unlocked the door and let her inside. She immediately went towards the bedroom and closed the door softly behind her. I threw my keys onto the table and plopped down in front of the TV. New, news, news, boring, boring, cartoon... I could go for a classic episode of Looney Tunes right now. I set the remote back on the little table next to my chair and laughed as Road Runner, once again, foiled the Coyote's plan.

"I always felt bad for the coyote."

I turned my head and saw Ellie shyly coming towards me. "But he's the bad guy!"

She shrugged and kneeled down next to my chair. "He's so persistent, though. He tries so hard and never wins. He's the underdog."

"You're nuts, kid." I took a hand and ran it across Ellie's crooked ponytail. She smiled and scooted closer to the chair so she could rest her head on my lap and watch the TV at the same time. And we just sat there for hours: watching TV, arguing whether or not Tweety deserved to die (Ellie thought so), and me assuring Ellie that Dolce would be fine.

"He'll be fine."

"I feel like I'm being punished with everything that's happening lately. First my parents, now Dolce? What else?"

I concentrated on whether it was the light or if Ellie's hair was really that shiny. "Why would you be punished? You're not a bad person. Unless... you're _hiding_ something."

I'm going out on a limb. Maybe, just maybe, Ellie will confide in me, tell me about her secret relationship with cocaine. Maybe I can get it out of her if I seem like I'm willing to listen. I just want her to confide in me so I can help her out in the open.

I flipped the station to see what else was on, and, as if it were an omen, a news reporter was talking about the death of a teenaged boy from an overdose on ecstasy. Damn. I kept the program on to hear the details.

"... the boy was found by his brother in his room. The boy had gone out the night before to a party and had not been seen until this morning. Police believe the boy took the drug at the party, came home, and overdosed in his bed..."

I glanced down at Ellie's form, but she didn't even flinch. Man, this would be harder than I thought. I turned the television off and set the remote down. "I can't believe that kid just died from drugs. I don't understand how someone can do drugs while knowing the consequences. It just seems... so wrong. It's like... suicide or something."

She didn't say anything. She just kept her head in my lap and her eyes on the blank television in front of her.

I went on. "I knew a kid back in Wasaga who was really into drugs. I think it was speed. He was _messed up_. Now, he can't even talk right, his brain is so fried. He's _brain damaged_ because he wanted to feel some sort of high."

Wow. Can I sound anymore self-righteous? Please let Ellie say _something_ before I go on and make myself want to puke even more.

She didn't.

"If I found out someone I knew and cared for was doing drugs, I don't know... I guess I'd help them. I can't get mad because what's the point of getting mad? It's not going to make things any better. I'd just be there for them and help them get through it. That's all."

"You wouldn't be mad?" Ellie lifted her head and looked me dead-on.

Here we go. "Well... I'd be a _little_ mad. I mean, if it was someone I really care for. I'd be disappointed most of all. I'd be _very _disappointed."

"Oh."

And that was it. She didn't even say anything else. Had I said something wrong? I thought I had been saying all the right things- so why wasn't she admitting it to me? Maybe... maybe I'm just being nosy and puritanical? I mean, Ellie's been doing this for how long? Okay, I don't know the answer to that, but she's probably done it before. Meaning that she knows what she's doing and what can happen. And plus, she's a really smart girl- she's probably careful. I'm sure of it.

So maybe I should just leave it alone?

**Ellie**

I waved goodbye to Sean from my front door and stepped inside. Home sweet home... I almost expected my mom to come out of the living room or kitchen and ask me where I've been... But she didn't. Because, obviously, she's not here. The lights are all off, the house is silent, and, once again, I am alone. But I should be grateful because I haven't wanted to deal with my parents for awhile now. Now I can have a peaceful night at home without my mom or dad breathing down my neck, begging me to forgive them, begging me to talk to them, or to get help, or to tell me if I've cut today.

Whatever. I don't even care anymore that they're separated. Who cares? Really. Who cares? There's nothing I can do about it, they're not in love, they hate each other, and it's all my fault. Those are the facts, they're not going to change. So, I just have to learn to accept it and live with it.

I grabbed onto the banister and slowly made my way up the stairs. Gabbana came running out of my room, meowing. "Hi, Gabs," I scooped down and picked him up, bringing him under my chin and nuzzling the top of his head. "Dolce has to stay at the vets for awhile, sweetie. But I _promise_ he'll be okay."

I set Gabbana on my bed and took a seat, myself. I think life would be so much better if I had never been born. Seriously. It would. I slid down my bed until I reached the floor and leaned back, reaching my hand underneath the bed for my box. At least this is something I can count on. It'll always make me feel better.

I hungrily dumped the contents of the box on the floor and set up a few lines. After doing five lines I rested my head on the floor and looked at the bag. There was only a _little_ left. I should just finish it off now and then I could go and get some more tomorrow. I might as well. I poured more and more lines from the baggy until it empty.

"Shit!" I cried out to no one in particular after snorting a _huge_ line. My nose felt like it was being stabbed over and over. I felt a warm liquid sliding down, and I knew I was bleeding. "Shit! Fuck! _Fuck!_"

I ran over to my desk, keeping my head tilted back, and reached for the box of tissues. I grabbed a handful and stuffed them up to my nose. I paced back in forth in my bedroom, waiting for my nose to stop bleeding, waiting for _someone_ to just walk in on me, waiting for someone to find out, waiting for answers, waiting for some kind of feeling to come over me so I don't feel numb anymore.

I couldn't even feel the tears sliding down my face, but I saw them. My face tingled from being so numb and I kept poking at my cheeks to feel something in my face. I heard a door slam downstairs, and I knew my mom had just returned. I poked my head out of my room and looked down the stairs at her taking her coat off and putting it up. She turned around and must have felt my presence. "Hi, Eleanor."

She didn't even notice that I was standing there, _bleeding_, in front of her- waiting for her to come up and comfort me and tell me everything will be okay. That sooner or later I won't need drugs to feel something.

"Mom?" I choked out. I sounded pitiful.

My mom pinched the bridge of her nose and continued to walk away. "Not now, Eleanor," she responded, sounding tired.

I retreated back to my bedroom and locked my door. My hands clenched and unclenched as my heart starting to race. I ran over to the mirror and looked at it. The bleeding had stopped. I threw away the bloody tissues and scratched at my arm. It itched so much, it felt like something was _crawling_ on me.

"Argh!" I took a candle off of my dresser and threw it against the wall, watching as it floated down to the floor. It was _floating_. "Woah," I whispered as I inched my way towards it as if continued to swing back and forth on its way down. I put my hand out to touch it, but it kept moving just out of reach. I leaned forward even more and grabbed at it, but felt nothing. And then everything went black.

* * *

"Ellie! Are you up for school?"

My eyes fluttered open. Where am I? I lifted my head a little and looked around. Oh. I was in my room. I heard the doorknob jingle and my face snapped towards the door. "I'm _up_!" I called out irritably. Jesus, couldn't she leave me alone for one second?

"Fine!" my mom responded, just as irritably. I think her and my dad are getting a little fed up with my attitude. They can go to hell.

I struggled to get up off of the floor and sighed heavily. I need to get a shower, get dressed, make sure all my homework is...

My lip quivered. Homework. Homework. Homework. Did I _have_ homework last night? I chewed on my bottom lip and looked around me. There. There's my backpack. I rushed to it and unzipped it. Please, please, please tell me I didn't have homework. I couldn't have had homework because I didn't do it. I ripped my planner out of the backpack and flipped through it like a mad woman.

Oh God... I slid down the wall and rested against it. I _did_ have homework. I _didn't_ do it. I looked at the planner once again. Maybe I was hallucinating the entire thing.

**Homework- Study for math test**

_- Creative Writing Log_

_-_ _Report "Hazing and the Media's View On It_"

_Chemistry quiz_

_- Practice Piano_

I wasn't hallucinating. It was real. I had forgotten to do my homework. What am I

supposed to do? Am I supposed to go up to my teachers and say I didn't do it? There goes my perfect GPA, my academic standing, my reputation... Why hadn't I started on this homework earlier? I can't even remember getting the assignment for the report on the media and hazing. I don't _ever_ remember getting assigned that. And do I really have a math test today?

My face crumpled and I pushed my cheek against the wall. God. I'm such a mess. _Why_ didn't I do it? My body heaved with sobs as I burst into tears against the wall. How am I supposed to go through today? _You need a little pick-me-up_. My eyes opened, and I wiped at them with my fists. That's right. I just need to feel better. Then I'll be able to get through the day just fine.

I reached for my box underneath the bed, but it wasn't there. I looked around. Oh, there it is. I managed to crawl over it and look inside. It was empty. _What!_ I picked the box up and turned it upside down, shaking. Why is it empty? I picked up the small bag from the floor and looked at it. There's none left. Where did it go?

My mind started racing, and I tried to think back to the night before. I came home, came upstairs, snorted a few lines, decided to do the... rest... _Damnit!_ I picked myself up and stood in the middle of my room. Okay. Okay. Okay. I can do this. I can go through the day without it. I'll be fine.

* * *

"Ellie? Where's your article for the Grapevine?" Liberty ran up to me, obviously frazzled.

"What!" I snapped. She has got to be kidding. Since when was there an article due for the Grapevine?

"_Don't_ talk to me like that. You _knew_ you had an article due today. Where is it?"

"I didn't do it," I admitted.

Liberty raised an eyebrow, rather smugly, I might add. "Oh. And why not?"

I sneered at her tone. Does she really think she's someone special? That she's so smart? She's mistaken that _I'm_ the smartest girl in school, and she'll always be second best. _Not anymore. You forgot to do your homework, remember?_ Ugh! That's it. I've had enough of it. "Because I quit the Grapevine!" I retorted and spun on my heel. There. Let's see her put out the Grapevine without me.

It wasn't until I reached the end of the hallway that I realized what I had just done. My heart beat furiously, and I steadied myself against the locker next to me. Did I really just quit the Grapevine? Oh well. Who needs it anyway?

_I do._

I shook my head forcefully and continued on my way. I was already going to be late for class. Great. The bell rang and I let out a frustrating groan.

"Ellie? Do you have a pass?" Mr. Simpson came up to me.

"Does it look like it?" I shot back at him.

His eyebrows rose in surprise. "Excuse me?"

"What? Are you _deaf_? I don't have one." I tried to push by him but he blocked my way.

"Are you okay, Ellie? You weren't at the yearbook meeting this morning either... Is something going on?"

What yearbook meeting? I racked my brain for any reminder of a yearbook meeting, but couldn't find one. He's such a liar. There was no yearbook meeting. _He's just trying to make you look stupid_. "Nothing's going on except you insulting my intelligence by _lying_ and telling me I missed a meeting. I don't miss meetings, Mr. Simpson. So _back off_."

Mr. Simpson's mouth fell open in shock. And anger. "That's it. I'm going to take you to the guidance office and-..."

"The guidance office?" I repeated. "Why do _I_ have to go to the guidance office? Everyone else goes to the principal's office. Am I just special? Or do you think I'm crazy? Is it because I cut? Is that why you're taking me to the guidance office?"

"No! I just-..."

"That _is_ why you're taking me. Well, I'm not going. Stay the hell away from me." I ran down the hall, ignoring Mr. Simpson's pleas for me to come back and talk to him. I dodged into the bathroom.

Who cares about first period anyway?

* * *

My fingers shook as I pressed down on the keys. The _wrong_ keys. This piano lesson is going to shit. I can't even play a single note right. I blinked my eyes and tried hard to focus on the blurry music book in front of me. I can't even read it.

"Ellie?" Miss Beeker gave me a concerned look.

I stopped playing and bit my lip. Great. Now she's going to ask me what's wrong and how am I supposed to answer that? I can imagine the conversation now. _Oh, sorry Miss Beeker. I had a rough night yesterday evening because I snorted a little too much coke. But I promise I won't do so much next time._

"Nothing," I muttered. Why am I so _angry_ today? My level of stress has completely skyrocketed.

"Please tell me. You're playing like... like... crap! This isn't like you."

"I didn't practice. Happy?"

"You didn't practice? You always practice."

"Well, I didn't this week. Face it. I'm not fucking Mozart."

She flinched and gave me a shocked look. "I never asked you to be Mozart. Ellie-..."

What a liar. "You didn't?" I laughed bitterly. "Of course you did! Everyone expects me to be the best at everything. It doesn't matter what's going on in my life, I have to be the best."

"I think you put that pressure on yourself, Ellie..."

"Don't talk to me like I'm some mental patient. I'm a teenager. Don't give me any of your psycho-babble shit because I don't want to hear it."

Miss Beeker grabbed the phone off her desk and started to dial in a number. "Ellie, I think you need to go see Ms. Sauve."

"NO!" I shouted, knocking the piano bench over as I stood up. "You can't make me! I _don't_ want to talk to her. I hate her!"

"Ellie-..."

"I hate her! I hate you! And I hate the fucking piano!" I screamed.

"I'm calling your parents!" I heard her call out as I ran out of the room and down the hallway. I don't care, though. I'll be long gone before they can do anything about it.

* * *

I don't know where I'm going. I have no idea how I'm going to get to where I'm going. I'm just... going... I threw a change of clothes, a toothbrush, and other necessities into a backpack and zipped it up. I'm set. Gabbana circled around my ankles and I gave him a tearful kiss goodbye. I wish I could take him with me, but I can't. He needs to stay here with his food, a nice bed, and all his toys. "I love you," I whispered to him and shut the lights off.

So this is goodbye. Goodbye to my room, goodbye to my friends, my family, my life as I know it. It's time to move on and get over everything that's holding me down here. I'm worth so much more than this life. I can be... I can be in freaking Hollywood or New York right now writing award-winning plays or directing box-office hit movies. I could be making tons of money right now instead of living off of mommy and daddy's salaries. I could be on my own. I wouldn't be hanging on to the hope that mommy or daddy might be coming home soon or anything like that because I'd know that I'm really alone this time. For real.

I took the path through my woods to leave. The woods takes you all the way out to the highway. From there I can make my way to the bus station and buy a ticket to somewhere. The sky grew darker as I made my way through the maze of trees and small cliffs. It's probably going to storm pretty soon, but I don't care. It'd match my mood. Oh God, did I really just say something that cliche?

I really did it today. I succeeded in ruining my life. I didn't do my homework, I told off my teachers, I quit the Grapevine... I've been working on killing my friendships for awhile now. I barely talk to any of my friends. I've slowly withdrawn from the social scene and into my own little world. And, you know what? I'm fine with that. Really. So who cares if I don't have any friends or a family or _anything_, I'll figure it all out once I get away.

I can see it now. I'll take a bus to somewhere in the United States. Then I'll head out to... I think I'll go to New York first. Yeah. And I can get an apartment. A really _nice_ apartment. I'll decorate it with expensive paintings, a huge TV, a great stereo, I'll add onto my CD collection... my CD collection... I didn't even bring my CDs with me. They used to be one of my most prized possessions... and I didn't even think about them. Instead, I brought enough money to get me a ticket and another fix.

Tears sprang to my eyes as I just realized the choice I had made. Oh well... I'm not really into music anymore anyways... It means nothing to me now. I swallowed my tears and kept on walking. Okay, so I'll also get a new pet. And then, when I have enough money and I'm famous and everyone's forgotten about me, I'll go back home and get Dolce and Gabbana. Oh God, I don't even know if Dolce will be _alive_ when I come back. What if he does have cancer? Who's going to pay for his treatment? Sean sure can't...

My fingernails dug in my palms, and I tried to force the image of my two little kittens out of my head. Okay, well this time I'll get a bunny. And I'll get a leash for it and take it out on walks in Central Park. Maybe in a few years I'll call Marco and Sean and have them come down to visit me. We'll have so much fun. We'll go out to the bars and clubs and eat in posh restaurants. Marco and I can go shopping and Sean and I will take a romantic carriage ride. Or just a carriage ride minus the romance.

I reached the bus station after another two hours of walking. Normally it wouldn't take me this long, but lately I've just become so sluggish. I'm not as fast as I used to be. I let out a relieved sigh when I reached the ticket window. Was it a relieved sigh... or was it more worrisome? Whatever, I'm here now. There's no turning back.

"A ticket to... to..." I tried to get the words out. _Come on! Say anywhere in the United States. You can do this._ But can I? Can I really leave home? And everyone I care about? How am I supposed to even survive on my own? Isn't that what I've been doing all along and hating every second of it?

"Are you okay, miss?"

"Yeah... I, uh... never mind."

I stepped away from the ticket window and stood still. Without even thinking about it, I reached for my phone and punched in a number. It's a number I've called before when I've been in a jam. I know were not close or anything, but I also know he won't let me down.

"You have got to be kidding me..." his grating voice spit out.

A tear slid down my face. Had I really almost left _him_? He was the most annoying, most vulgar, most horrible person on the planet, and, yet, I still cried at the thought of never hearing his dumb voice again. "Come pick me up, stupid," I choked out tearfully.

There was a pause.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly. Emotionally.

"No," I confessed. "I'm not!"

"Where are you? What are you doing? What's wrong?" His questions came out right after the other and I didn't have enough time to answer all of them.

"I'm at the bus station."

"I'll be right there."

**Jay**

I dialed a number as I pressed my foot down on the gas pedal. It would take me another

ten minutes to get to the bus station and there's no time to stop. But I can at least tell him what's going on.

"Yo. What's up?"

"Sean, it's Ellie."

"What?" his voice was urgent, concerned, scared, all of the above. He really cares for her.

And so do I. Horrible as it is to admit it, she's become an actual _friend_. Just thinking that made me feel all warm inside. But not in a good way. In a "I'm a total wussy" kind of way. "She just called me. I'm picking her up at the bus station. She sounds upset."

"Come get me."

"I can't. I'm almost there. I'll bring her to your place, though, okay?"

"Hurry. Please."

I pressed the "end" button and threw my phone down on the seat next to me. Whatever it is, it better be good. She better not be pulling one of her drama queen acts again. I don't know what I'd do if I found out I had been all worked up over some temper tantrum. I pulled into the bus station and saw her sitting on a bench by herself. People were rushing about all around her, but she didn't even seem to notice. She looked so out of place in her pigtails and large hoodie that read "ARMY".

"Ellie!" I jogged towards her, cupping my hands around my mouth so my words would reach her better.

Her head snapped up and she burst into tears at the sight of me. I stopped in my tracks. This is more serious than I thought. I started towards her again as she sat on the bench still, shaking with every sob. Nobody around her seemed to notice that a little girl was breaking apart in front of them.

"Shh! I'm here. I'm here," I kneeled in front of her and cupped her face with my large, rough hands. "What's wrong?"

"I tried to, but I couldn't! I couldn't leave!" she shook her head and leaned forward to hug me.

I rubbed her back and frowned. I don't really know what to do in situations like this. Alex has never broken down in front of me like this. Nobody has. I'm not the person people normally run to when they have a problem. People don't confide in me or let me in or anything like that. I've never felt wanted or needed like I do now.

"Hey, it's going to be okay. Come on. Let's get you back."

Before I could start the car, Ellie's hand reached out and grabbed my wrist. "Stop," she whispered.

I looked over at her in the dark and watched the shaking of her lips. She's nervous. She's nervous about something. She looked towards me and her eyes glittered in the dark with tears.

"What?" I whispered back.

She cleared her throat a bit and wiped at her cheek. "It's just... I... I have to get something off my chest. And I don't think I can tell anyone but you..."

Her voice trailed off, and the look she was giving me seemed to ask me if I understood. _No. I don't understand._ I don't understand how someone like her- someone who seems to have the perfect life- can complain about her life so much. I don't understand why she feels I can help. But now I do understand why Sean worries about her so much. It's because there is something wrong. Seriously wrong. And I think I'm going to be the first person to find out what it is. And then maybe I can start to understand how someone like her, someone who seems to have it all, can be so unhappy.

**Okay, so a lot of stuff happened this chapter. Ellie dealt with withdrawel , cravings, and she's become more despondent. I tried to show the constant conflict she's having and the paranoia, but I don't know if I did that so well. I tried to do that last chapter, too. I don't know if I'm going to have Ellie tell Jay and then Jay tell Sean right away or not... I'm a little lost on where to go next but I thank PsychoJo for giving me the idea of her telling Jay. I was playing around with that idea in my head, but I didn't know whether or not I should go for it. Obviously, I am. Okay, well, I'm babbling now. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!**


	26. I'll Cover You

**_Okay, revised, once again. This program does not like astericks. So between the lines are the flashbacks. _**

**Chapter 26: I'll Cover You**

**Ellie**

I stared straight ahead out of the windshield. Jay was driving us to Sean's. _Sean's_. Is Jay

going to tell him? A sudden wave of anxiety washed over me. Why did I tell him? Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut? I could have gotten through this by myself. All I have to do is stop. It's easy. You just quit cold turkey.

* * *

"What is it?" Jay urged again.

I continued to play with the sleeves of my sweatshirt. Could I trust him? I've already gone this far... I've already told him something is wrong. "It's just... I've been... I have a problem."

There. That wasn't so hard. It was pretty easy actually.

_Liar_. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Jay nodded and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. He glanced back at me. "And?" he asked sarcastically.

"Listen," I started angrily. "If you're not going to be nice about this, then I don't want your help."

"You know I'm not nice, Nash. Yet you still wanted me here. And you still want to tell me something. What you see is what you get."

My chin quivered, "It's hard enough. You don't have to make it harder."

"That's part of my charm. I'm a hard-ass, even on girls like you."

"What do you mean 'girls like me'?" I was scared of his answer.

Jay chuckled and I could see his breath. It had gotten cold in the last fifteen minutes we had been sitting here. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes before turning to look at me. "Smart, funny, loyal, beautiful, annoying, opinionated, articulate, _good_ girls like you."

"What?" I breathed softly.

He chuckled again. This time it sounded more harsh. "That's the thing about you. You're so _good_. To everyone. I don't understand how you can be, but you are. Even to lost-causes like me."

"You're not a lost-cause. And I'm _not_ a good girl. I can be bad."

He laughed loudly. "Bad? You? Nah, I don't think so. You're just like cause-girl."

"_Don't_ say anything bad about Emma," I muttered. I crossed my arms and dug myself deeper into the seat.

Since when did this conversation go from my problem to Emma? I could feel a pounding headache starting to come on. "You called me beautiful," I said quietly, out of the blue.

"You are." Jay seemed almost embarrassed that he had made this observation.

"You're a liar."

"You're a _gem_."

I rolled my eyes at his sarcasm and told myself not to cry. He had called me funny and articulate. Jay Hogart knows the word 'articulate'. I looked back at him, my eyelids heavy. "I _can_ be bad, you know," I whispered. Alarms went off in my head. What am I doing? Why am I acting like this.

Jay gave me a weird look and leaned further away from me. "Watch it, Nash. I know what you're thinking..."

I leaned towards him. "What am I thinking?" I challenged.

"You belong with Sean. Don't even try and get with me."

I shot back offended. "_Get_ with you? I wasn't trying to get with you."

"Sure..."

"And I do not belong with Sean. He's made that quite clear."

"How?"

"He broke up with me!"

"Minor detail. He wants you back."

"We're friends. That's it."

"So why are you trying to screw it up? You won't return his calls, he has to beg you to come over, you're distant... It's hurting him. He's worried. And now? Now you're trying to kiss me."

"I wasn't trying to kiss you. I was just-..." I looked outside through my window. Who am I trying to kid? I must be some sort of masochist. I'll do whatever it takes to hurt myself. I get pleasure of putting myself through the most excruciating pain.

"Look, I know I said you're beautiful, smart, blah, blah, blah... but you know who else thinks that?"

"Nobody," I mumbled. I wasn't in the mood for his lies.

"Sean."

"Stop it."

"He does."

"Stop it!"

"What's wrong with you?"

"What?" I gave him a look.

Jay threw his hands up in frustration. "You brought me out here. You were _crying_. I've never seen you cry like that before. And now you're changing the topic! _What is wrong with you?_"

"I...uh..."

"Nash, spit it out!"

"I have an addiction."

* * *

Jay turned the radio up louder. I think we're both trying to forget the conversation we just had. I know I wish I could. I listened to the music, listened to the lyrics, to the guitar, to the beat... I forgot about this. I've forgotten how music and writing and acting and _caring_ about something can make me feel. It makes me feel... good. I don't really know how else to put it. Good. It's such a simple word, but I haven't felt good in a long time.

I must admit, it feels like a heavy weight has been lifted off of me. I've been carrying around this secret for so many years. But I know I'm not going to feel good tomorrow. I'll feel incomplete, pain, want, _broken_...

Jay let out a shaky breath. "An addiction? To what?"

I squeezed my eyes shut and whispered it, "Drugs..."

I waited for his response. I didn't hear anything. I couldn't even hear him breathing. I opened my eyes and looked at him. He stared out the windshield. I couldn't even read his face. He looked angry, sad, disappointed, shocked all at the same time.

"I know. It's shocking. Why would Ellie Nash, Miss-Straight-A, need drugs? You know why? Because she's lonely and it helps her feel something and she feels like she has control over it. I just want control."

Jay smiled sadly at me. "You're not in control, freak."

This time "freak" didn't sound so insulting. It almost sounded like a term of endearment, in some strange way. "Yes, I am," I tried to convince him.

"Then why did you call me?"

I opened my mouth, but no words could come out. Why did I call him? _Because you felt out of control_. God, he's right. Jay Hogart is _right_, for once. And I'm wrong. I've never been wrong before. "You're-..."

"Right?"

"Yes," I whispered. I looked down at my hands, at the dark bruise that had formed on my one wrist where I had beat it senseless.

"What kinds?"

"Pardon?"

"What kind of drugs have you done?"

I chewed on the inside of my cheek. "Every kind you can think of probably. Mostly..."

"Mostly...?"

"Coke and-..."

"Coke!" Jay slammed his fist into the steering wheel, causing the horn to blare. "Are you _stupid?_" He shouted at me.

"Yes," I answered. "...and H."

"Heroin? Are you serious?" Jay looked like he wanted to wring my neck.

I nodded slowly and tried to avert my eyes.

"Look at me. Look at me, god dammit!" Jay bellowed.

Tears sprung to my eyes and I turned to him. "Don't yell at me! Please!"

"And why not? You're an _idiot_! Do you know how dangerous that shit is? When Sean finds out he is going to _kill_ you!"

"NO!" I shouted desperately. "Please, you can't tell him."

"If you think I'm going to keep this from Sean then you are-..."

"Jay. I'm _begging_ you. If Sean finds out, he'd never talk to me again. I can't stand to think what he'd think of me."

"How long? How long have you been using drugs?"

"Years. Please, don't look at me like that!" I hugged myself tightly.

"I'll look at you however I want..." Jay slammed his fist into his dashboard again, causing me to jump out of my seat. "Why did you tell me? Why me?"

I fiddled with the silver ring on my finger. "I thought you might understand. I didn't think you'd blow up at me like this."

"Oh really? Any why not?"

"I didn't think you cared!"

"I care," Jay's voice broke a little bit. "I know I give you a hard time, but I _do_ care. You're a pretty cool girl, Nash."

"Thanks..."

"And I guess I do understand a little. My, uh, my dad. He was a little messed up. He really fucked up..."

"You want to talk about it?" I shifted in my seat so I was facing him.

Jay gave me a sardonic smile. "You know how I am. I don't really like talking about myself."

"I know. I just thought..."

"My dad- he was a screw-up. Good for nothing. A waste. That's all I can really say. And he did drugs. Crack. He- he _stole_ my ritalin. Do you know how _sad_ that is?" Jay punched his steering wheel again. "I got in trouble _every day_ because my dad stole my ritalin. I couldn't be normal. I had to act out, I had to be the loud, annoying kid in class. I couldn't sit still, I couldn't answer questions, I couldn't read with the other kids because my attention span wasn't big enough. Sometimes, sometimes my teachers would sit me in the corner all by myself to punish me. And the kids- they would _tease_ me because I was always in trouble. I was automatically labeled the bad kid because my own dad wouldn't let me get better."

I bit my lip and searched for something to say. What do you say to that? Jay opened up to me, told me a burden he's been carrying around for years. Has he told anyone else about this? I can't get over how angry he sounded, so hurt. I tried to reach out a hand and touch his shoulder, but he pulled away from me.

"And you..." He spit. "You act as if you have it _soooo_ bad. Little Ellie Nash has a mother and father to take care of her, who won't steal her medication, who'll give her money whenever she wants."

I put my hands to my ears and pressed them against my head. "_Stop!_ Please, don't say that. Do you know how _hard_ it is to live with them? Sometimes I wish I could be some kid who was known for being a trouble-maker or the stupid one or the mean one. Do you know how much easier it would be for me? No one would expect anything of me. I wouldn't have to impress anyone. I could just do anything I wanted without worrying whether or not it will be good for mommy or daddy's image. There are so many things I've never done in life because it wasn't suitable for the Nash image. It wasn't distinguished or elegant or mature enough for me. I'm not trying to say that you didn't have it tough, Jay, because I'm sure you did. I'm sure you _do_. But so do I. I also have the pressure and expectations and the loneliness..."

"And that's why you...?"

"Yes," I whispered. I looked out at all the stars. "It's not like I grew up wanting to be _addicted_ to drugs. I wanted so much more for myself. But sometimes things don't go according to plan. There are moments when you just... mess up. And then you spend the rest of your life paying for it."

"It won't last the rest of your life, Nash. I'll help."

* * *

The moon is blood red tonight. And the wind is rough. The car is swaying back and forth. We're heading for Sean's, but I feel as if I'm heading for a whole different chapter of my life. I'm not sure if the next chapter will be much different than this one. I don't think I can just decide to be better. I've tried. Believe me. I've really tried before. At one point, I thought I conquered it. But then Breydon died, and things just got _much_ _worse_. I felt as if I was having an out of body experience. I could see myself slowly breaking down, heading down the wrong path, becoming nothing... And I didn't do anything about it. I guess I thought I didn't deserve to be happy or anything. And so I proceeded to mess everything up in my life. Almost as if it were on purpose, but not quite, because I'm not sure I was actually myself for those months.

I can see myself acting like an idiot. Laughing, smirking, partying, acting as if nothing was wrong. As if someone I loved dearly hadn't just died. And I can see my friends watching me fall down with such disgust in their eyes. I can see Zeke giving me that look, as if he were telling me that I'm worthless. I felt worthless. I don't really know if I feel that way anymore. I think I might, but sometimes someone looks at me and I feel that maybe I am worth something. I might not be worth much, but I'm worth something. That someone can be Marco or Sean or, after tonight, even Jay.

I've spent my life running away from things. I ran away from Breydon's death, his funeral, his memory... I'm still running from it. I'm still punishing myself for it. I've never even visited his grave. _Never._

And that, right there, is an example of what makes me feel worthless. The fact that I can't even pay my respects for someone I loved so much. Someone I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I still imagine what life would have, _could have_, been like if he were still alive. We could be married by now... He'd be on his way to university, I'd still be in high school. We'd be happy, carefree, passionate...

I can feel tears sliding down my cheeks into my lap. I press my face against the glass window so Jay can't tell how much I'm crying. I'm sure if anyone knew that I'm still crying over him, they 'd tell me to get over it. That it happened a long time ago, that we were young, that maybe it wasn't even real love. _But they're wrong._

It was real. Sometimes you can just tell. Like when you see that person and your heart swells with gladness. Or when that person touches you and you feel warm all over. Or the way they kiss you. But that's just physical evidence. What about the stolen glances in the hallway or the feeling that you are _home_ when you're with them? How can somebody act as if that's not real love? I _know_ what I felt with him. I felt protected and wanted and needed and admired. I felt like I could say whatever I wanted and he'd love me for it. And the way he touched the small of my back. I'll never forget how that felt. The sound of his laugh... the way he _always_ sang that Frank Sinatra song... that stupid baseball cap he always wore... that beaten up copy of _The Grapes of Wrath_. I can't forget that stuff. I loved everything about him, even the bad parts. That's what loves is about.

I feel guilty for allowing myself to feel that again.

**Jay**

I checked Ellie out from the corner of my eye. She was resting her head on the window.

Probably asleep. I looked back in front of me and gripped the steering wheel even tighter. So... the real question of the night- to tell or not to tell?

* * *

"... I'll help," I responded eagerly.

Ellie gave me a sullen look but didn't say anything.

"I'll fix it!" I continued.

"I think I'm way too broken to fix..." Ellie choked out morosely. I don't think I've ever heard anything more pitiful in my life.

I shook my head. "No, that's not true. You're just not trying!" My voice rose in anger. Who is she to give up so easily? "You came to me, now do you want my help or not?"

She nodded slightly. I put the car in drive and started to pull out of the bus station. "We're going to Sean's. I don't want you going home tonight, okay? He'll take care of you."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"Would you blame me?" I snapped. My patience was wearing thin. She acted as if she wanted help, but then she acted as if she didn't. I can't help but feel angry towards her for pulling me into her mess. Now I have to deal with this above everything else. Who is she to think that I can help?

"So, from now on- you're clean. Tomorrow, we're going to go through your house and get rid of it all. And you won't be buying anymore. You're not doing this anymore, you hear me?"

"There is no more. I ran out."

"I'm still searching. And then, we're going to find you a support group."

"Why can't you be my support group?"

I looked over at her big eyes and willed myself to shake my head. "You're not playing me like that. I'm not Sean. I don't give in to you."

"Sean doesn't give in to me."

"Sean would _kill_ for you. That's why I think we should tell him. He can help."

"NO!" Ellie reached over and punched in the shoulder.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?"

She put a hand to her face. "I'm sorry. That came out of nowhere. Please, _please_, don't tell Sean."

I rubbed my shoulder with one hand and glared at the road in front of me. "He's not stupid. He's going to figure it out."

Ellie sighed and was silent for a moment. "I'll tell him. But not now. First, I want to be on my way to getting better."

"Fine," I accepted the proposal. "But you better do it soon. I can't keep this from Sean for long."

I guess I can trust Ellie to tell him sooner or later. She's not one to go back on her word. But, until then, this whole secrecy thing is going to be hell. But I'm a loyal kind of guy... even I'll admit that... so, I guess I'll work hard on keeping it quiet.

* * *

"Here we are," I announced stupidly as we pulled into Sean's apartment complex. As if Ellie couldn't see it for herself.

She wiped at her face and nodded as he unbuckled her seat belt. Her face was splotchy and her eyes were shiny.

"You okay?"

"Fine," she answered huskily. She cleared her throat and avoided all eye contact from me. "I just want to sleep."

"Well, Sean's going to have a lot of questions. What should we tell him?"

"Just... just tell him my mom gave me a hard time. I got upset. I tried to run away, but couldn't... just leave it at that."

I nodded uneasily and knocked on his door. It opened within seconds. Sean must have been waiting up next to the door. He ushered Ellie in and she immediately retreated to the bedroom.

"What happened, man?" Sean asked quietly. He stole glance towards the bedroom doorway for signs of Ellie.

"Big fight with her mom. Tried to run away. Got scared. So she called me to pick her up."

"I wish she called me," Sean admitted.

"I have a car." I shook my car keys, as if to prove my point. I checked my watch. "I'm going to go, though. She's pretty tired. I'll pick you guys up tomorrow for school."

"Thanks. For everything. Bye."

I knocked my forehead against the wall outside in the hallway. What did I do to deserve this? Really, what did I do? I really have no idea what I'm doing. I wasn't able to help my dad, how am I supposed to help her? Why couldn't she pick someone else? Karma is such a bitch.

**Sean**

I closed the bedroom door behind me quietly and looked at her form in the bed. She was

already asleep. I pulled my shirt off and threw it on the floor, crawling into bed with as little disturbance as I could. She rolled over immediately and threw her arms around me.

"Sean..." she whimpered.

"Shh, I'm here. What's wrong?"

"I miss him."

"Who?" My heart sank. She misses _him_.

"_Him_."

I rubbed her back lightly and buried my nose into her soft hair. I know better than to say anything else. I can't promise her that it'll be okay. He's gone. It'll never be okay to her. But I just wish she'd open up more about it. Tell me more about what happened, what it was like, what she's feeling exactly.

But I know she won't.

"Sean?"

"Hmm?" I looked down at her face.

She gave me a teary and embarrassed smile. "I'm going to be normal-Ellie again soon, okay?"

I laughed and wiped a strand of hair out of her face. "I didn't realize there _was_ a normal-Ellie."

"Oh, there definitely is. She's just been... hiding. But she will be back soon. I swear."

"Good. Because I miss normal-Ellie who organizes my CDs and calls me pookie and rolls her eyes at me."

She made a big show of rolling her eyes and I laughed again.

"But... do you want to talk about what happened tonight?" I thought I'd at least try. More than likely, she wouldn't, but you never know.

She shook her head and blinked slowly. "I'm tired right now. But... we'll talk about it... soon..."

She rolled over to her other side. I stayed in my position and just watched her as she slowly fell to sleep. The rhythm of her breathing, the way her shoulders rose and fell, the slight kick she gave me with her feet. I put a hand around her and grabbed one of her hands, squeezing it lightly. Something tells me that there's more going on than her and Jay are letting on. Maybe it was the awkwardness of Jay's voice or the nervousness in Ellie's eyes, but something is off. And I'm not going to rest until I figure it out.


	27. Better Make It Through Today

**Chapter 27: Better Make It Through Today**

**_In between the grey lines is a flashback with Ellie/Brayden. Thanks to Davey-is-Gawd for pointing out my mistake! _**

**Sean**

I groaned and turned over in my bed, burying my face in my pillow. What _time_ was it? I opened one eye and looked at my alarm clock. Oh. It was ten. And on a school day. No worries. Do I look like the kind of guy who worries about getting to school? I'm surprised Ellie didn't wake me up, though. She is the school gestapo.

Ugh. What is that _noise_? I sat up to listen closer. It sounded like someone retching. Gross. Wait, where's Ellie?

"Ellie?" I called out, almost afraid of her response. But she didn't respond. The heaving continued.

My feet touched the ground, and I scratched my stomach as I stumbled towards the bathroom. Hopefully she'll be done soon because I have to pee. I stood in the doorway and took a good look at her.

"Jesus, Ellie. You look _terrible_."

She looked up at me with red eyes and ashen skin. "Gee, _thanks_," she muttered, her voice dripping with sarcasm. She's puking and can still sound sarcastic. That takes talent.

I kneeled down next to her and pulled her hair back for her. "There you go. Are you feeling sick?"

She dry heaved for a few more minutes before sitting up. "Ugh," she moaned, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I hate this."

I wet a washcloth in the sink and wiped at her mouth. "There. So, are you sick?"

She laughed bitterly. "Something like that... yeah, I'm not feeling too well."

"That sucks," I commented. "Let me get you a glass of water. Here, here's a toothbrush." I grabbed a new toothbrush out of the bathroom drawer that I had bought for myself the other day.

She took it and smiled weakly at me. "How attractive do I look at the moment?"

"Beautiful," I joked. I stepped out into the kitchen and grabbed a glass full of ice water before returning back to the bathroom. "Here you go. Oh." She was throwing up again.

I rubbed her back and grimaced at just how disgusting this was. She sat back up and we repeated the actions from earlier. Wiped her mouth with a washcloth, she brushed her teeth again, and I handed her the water.

"What time is it?" she asked, her voice scratchy. She put a hand to her throat and swallowed.

"Past ten."

"Ten? You should be at school!"

"Calm down. I'll just stay and take care of you."

"You don't have to. Seriously. Go to school."

"Nope. Sorry, not getting rid of me. Let's get you to the couch, I'll get you a trash can, and we can kill our brain cells with horrible television all day."

She smiled at the idea and gave a slight nod.

"So, why do you think you're sick?" I pressed. Please don't tell me she's pregnant. Another scare like that is _all_ we need. After all, she and I _had_ had sex the other week...

Ellie lay down on the couch before answering. "It's probably that flu that's going around..."

"That sucks. But, hey, don't worry about giving it to me. I wouldn't mind a few days off of school."

"Ha. Ha. That's the _last_ think you need. Can you get me some Tylenol or something? My head is killing me."

"Sure."

I handed her two Tylenol a few minutes later and another glass of water. "You need to drink plenty of water. I think... I don't know. It sounds good, though."

"I agree."

"So... are you sure it's the flu?" I was still a little nervous about the pregnancy thing. Hey, can you _blame_ me?

Ellie rolled her eyes and placed a hand on my arm. "I'm not pregnant, Sean."

"How can you be sure?"

"I just know."

"Have you gotten your-..."

"Sean, I'm _not_ pregnant!" she yelled as loud as her hoarse voice would let her.

"Okay, okay!" I held up my hands in an "I surrender" pose and backed away from the couch. "Here, take the remote, lay back, and relax. I'm just going to go out and get you some Sprite. That's supposed to help upset stomachs."

"Really?"

"Really," I confirmed. I kissed the top of her head and felt her forehead. "You don't _feel_ warm..."

"Sean. _Go_."

"I'm going, I'm going..."

**Ellie**

I made another run to the bathroom. This giving up drugs thing is _killing_ me. I never thought I needed it this much. But being without it is showing me just how much I do. I'm used to doing a line before going to school. Considering it's eleven now, I'm going through hell. Constant nausea, I feel _sore_, and I've burst into tears about three times now. Thank God Sean is still out at the store.

Just to spite me, the front door opened. I quickly flushed the toilet and splashed my face with cold water.

"Ellie? You throwing up again?"

"Yeah," I called back. Just wait until he sees the trash can...

"Ellie! The trash can is, like, full!" Sean appeared in the doorway and gave me a _look_. "Are you sure you don't need to go to the doctor or anything?"

"Sean, I'm FINE!" I shouted. I put a hand up to my throat. Ugh, it was so sore.

"Why are you being so... so... bitchy?"

"I'm sick. That's why. If you were throwing up constantly, you'd be a bitch, too!"

Sean began laughing and shook his head in agreement. "I guess so. Okay, I'll clean this... disgusting mess... out, and then we can hang out."

"Don't be too long with that trash can. I might need it again soon," I blanched and lay back down on the couch.

If I had known it would be this bad, I never would have given it up. I never should have told Jay. I wonder how long it'll take him before he tells Sean? Sean came back and set the clean trash can back in front of me and knelt down beside me. "Do you want a massage?"

I thought about the immense pain my muscles were in and gave him a grateful smile. "I'd _love_ a massage." I sat back up, and Sean sat behind me, his strong hands resting on my shoulders.

"Does this feel good?" he whispered into my ear as he rubbed my shoulders. He dug his thumbs into the back of my shoulders and circled them around.

"Yes," I whispered, leaning my head back a little. All of a sudden, I wasn't feeling sorry for myself anymore. If Sean continued to give me massages like this, it might make it worth it. _Really_ worth it.

Soon, I was leaning all the way back, and Sean slid himself underneath me as I fully reclined. His legs straddled my body, and I shivered a little in the thin t-shirt and boxers I was wearing.

"Cold?" Sean's husky voice came from behind me.

I nodded, and he rubbed my arms a little bit. What is happening here? Sean and I are _not_ into each other anymore. No way. Can't happen. We're just friends. Then why am I _feeling_ this way? Suddenly, the nausea wasn't from withdrawal, but the thought of allowing myself to be vulnerable to him again. To feel something for him. _You've always felt something for him._ No, not true. I stopped when he broke up with me. _You're lying._ No!

"Do you want me to stop?" I didn't realize I had said "No!" outloud.

I craned my neck to look up at Sean's face. He stared back at me concerned and... his eyelids were droopy. Wow. _He looks gorgeous._ Stop that! He is _not_ gorgeous. "No," my voice came out all breathy. Geeze. I'm really pathetic.

Sean gave me a smile that said he knew something I didn't. What does _he_ know? Does he honestly think he's affecting me? He is _not_ affecting me. It's just the withdrawal. That's it. I'm freaking out because I have nothing in me.

Sean's fingers tingled as he slid them back up my arms, going as slow as possible. I swallowed hard and dug the back of my head into his chest. All of a sudden, one of his hands was brushing against my neck and the other was crawling underneath my shirt. If I had been in the right state of mind, I would have slapped his hand away. But, alas, I'm _not_ in the right state of mind. So _that_ is why I did nothing to stop him.

His hand stopped on my stomach and started to lightly rub it. "Does that make it feel better?"

I bit my lip to suppress a gasp as his fingers tickled the skin just above the low waistband of the boxers. I nodded and clasped his hand that was at my neck. I needed to hold on to _something_. My other hand grabbed onto his knee as he slowly worked his fingers underneath the waistband.

And then they were out. _What! That's it?_

Next the trailed from my bent knee down to my thigh. I closed my eyes and sighed happily as his touch. When I closed my eyes like this, I could almost believe that nothing had ever changed. That Sean had never broken up with me, I had never gotten out of control with the drugs, we were still happy. Just thinking about it made me feel good.

His other hand trailed from my neck to underneath my shirt and up. I remembered then that I wasn't wearing a bra. I craned my head and lightly kissed his neck, my eyes still closed. Our breaths were coming out short and ragged. We both felt it.

* * *

"I can't believe I'm stuck with _you_, of all people!" I snapped, slamming my psychology book on the table in front of me.

Brayden smirked back at me, "You shouldn't have been late to class."

"Shut up, you _ignorant_-..."

"Yeah, I think you're precious, too." He gave me that infuriating cocked smile, and I had to turn away. That smile _always_ made me feel weird.

"It's your fault you're in this class anyway. If you weren't so damn smart..."

"Shut up!" I hissed. "I can't help it if I work hard-..."

"... And get good grades and do extra credit and kiss everyone's ass..." Brayden finished my sentence for me. Except, he was wrong.

"I can't stand you..." I whispered as the teacher started his lecture.

"Yeah, I know how you feel." He winked at me and turned his attention to the front of the room. My cheeks burned. He is just so... so... ugh!

"Where am I?" I murmured groggily. My eyes felt like lead. They were just so heavy.

"You're at my house. Here, take off your shoes," He pulled on my shoes and placed them on the floor.

"What are you doing? What happened?" I felt so sleepy. I yawned and tried to turn over, but he was keeping me from moving.

Brayden reached around my neck and unclasped my necklaces. "You were at party. So was I. You shouldn't have been there. Do you know those guys? They're about eight years older than you and only look for one thing in a girl."

"Then I'm perfect for them," I laughed softly. It hurt, though. Was I really just some pawn that got played for sex?

"Don't talk about yourself like that. You got a little too drunk, and I think something got slipped in your drink. It wouldn't surprise me. Those guys are punks."

He pulled a blanket up over my fully clothed body. "Take my clothes off!" I whined.

He stopped mid-action and stared into my eyes. "You'll be fine with them on."

"I want them off."

"Nah."

"Please... take them off," I tried to unbutton my skirt, but failed miserably. My limbs could barely move.

He brushed away the hair from my face and leaned in close. "Let's just go to sleep, okay? You're going to be fine."

"Did they do anything to me?"

"No. I got you out of there before they could."

"You saved me?" my voice sounded small and childlike.

"Yeah..."

"I thought you hated me."

I could see Brayden blush even though the lights were off in the room. He ducked his head before looking buck up at me. "Well... you know how it goes. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."

"Oh." Why did I feel disappointed? I didn't _want_ him to like me. I was content with us hating- no- _loathing_ each other. Right? _Yeah right... And that's why your heart races whenever you see him. And how you have to force the smile off your face whenever he looks at you. And you have to choke back laughter because you secretly find him funny._

"And... I sort of care about you..." his voice trailed off, as if he were unsure about what he

just revealed.

I slowly smiled up at him and half-closed my eyes. "Oh..." I breathed softly.

"Yeah..."

"Show me how much you care about me."

And he kissed me.

* * *

I felt the pressure on my lips and hungrily kissed back. It still feels the same- the sparks are still there. I flipped over on top of Brayden and framed his face with my hands, pressing my lips into his as hard as I could. His fingers dug into my bare back and pulled me close, as if he were afraid that I was only an apparition and I'd disappear. I slid my hands down his chest and reached for my boxers. They were definitely coming off now. I kicked them off and started on his belt. I needed him _now_.

His tongue slid into my mouth, and I welcomed it gladly. Ugh. Why did he have to be wearing this t-shirt? If it didn't come off soon, I think I'll rip it off. I arched my back as his lips trailed to my neck and then he slid them between my breasts.

"Ellie..." I heard him whisper.

He didn't sound like himself. He didn't sound like Brayden _at all_. My eyes flew open, and I looked down. Dirty blonde hair. Brayden didn't have dirty blonde hair. His hair was dark brown, almost black. And he was tanner than this. Tears sprung my eyes as "Brayden" looked up at me. Brayden had grey eyes. Not green.

"STOP!" I cried out, darting off the couch and covering my chest.

"Ellie?" Sean sat up and gave me a worried look.

"You're not Brayden!" I whimpered.

**Sean**

I stared nervously back at Ellie's shaking figure. What did she mean by "You're not Brayden"? Of course I'm not him. He's dead. Ellie looked around her as if she didn't even know where she was.

"Ellie?" I tried again. Maybe she'd make sense this time.

"Stay away from me. What did you think you were doing?"

"I thought we were both into it... You know how it is between us..." I had to choke the last part out. "Friends with benefits."

"No! We are _not_ like that. I have a boyfriend!"

"Ellie..." Oh God. Is she doing what I think she's doing? No way she believed Brayden is still alive. There's just no way.

"His name is Brayden. He plays soccer. _And_ basketball. And he's tall and older. He's _dirt_ poor, but I don't care. He has two older siblings and two younger ones. And we're getting married! So _don't you dare come near me!_" She screamed the last part.

God. Someone probably thought I was murdering her. I stood up off the couch and handed her the shirt she had been wearing. She grabbed it and turned around to put it on. I looked at her emaciated back. God, what is going _on_ with her? Seriously, if there is a God up there, please, please tell me what to do next.

"You have a lot of explaining to do, you... you... _rapist_!"

"You did _NOT_ just say that!" I spat. She put her hands on her hips and raised her eyebrows at me. "Ellie, tell me you did not just say that," I tried again.

She didn't say a word.

I grabbed a nearby kitchen chair and threw it towards the door. "_I_ have explaining to do? What about _you_? _I'm_ not the one doing drugs. _I'm not the one snorting fucking coke up my nose!_"

"He _told_ you?" She put her hands to her head and squatted down. She shot back up. "I'm going to _kill_ him!"

"Who's 'him'? Jay? Your new _boyfriend_?" Okay, I admit it. I was jealous that she called him. Especially after that day at the art store when they had been constantly flirting with each other. It still makes me sick just thinking about it.

"He's _not_ my boyfriend..."

"Well-..."

She interrupted me. "But he's sure a better _fuck_ than you ever were!"

She grabbed her bag off of the kitchen table and ran out of the apartment. She's lying. She _has_ to be lying. Her and Jay...? Jay would never do that to me. Would he? I was screaming at myself to go follow her, to tell her that I'd help her, that I can be there for her, too, but my feet wouldn't move. _God dammit, Cameron, move! Go after her!_

I fell back onto the couch and stared at the wall in front of me. It's not worth. Nothing is worth all this pain she's causing me, the screaming, the lies, the constant worrying. It's not worth getting my heart ripped out every time she cries or I catch her doing something horrible to herself. Maybe _she's_ not even worth it.

**Jay**

"See you later?" I kissed Alex deeply and she nodded with a smile on her face. I love that I can make her smile like that.

I twirled the keys in my hand and whistled a little part of a song off of the Sublime cd Sean had given me.

Speak of the devil... "Sean!" I called out.

"You didn't come by to pick us up this morning," he said with no emotion.

"Yeah, I kind of forget. Sorry. Why weren't you in school? Too busy with Ellie?" I wriggled my eyebrows.

"Not as busy as _you've_ been with her!" He grabbed the collar of my coat and slammed me against a car.

"Dude! It was a joke!"

"No, it's _not_ a joke!" He yelled in my face.

By then a small crowd had started to form around us. Hopefully no teachers were outside. Sean could get in major trouble for this.

"What's wrong with you?" I pushed him away from me and narrowed my eyebrows.

"You! You're what's wrong!"

"What did I do?"

"You _fucked_ Ellie! That's what, you sorry bastard! I'm going to fucking kill you!" He pulled back his fist and, before I could react, connected it with my jaw.

I doubled over in pain and put a hand to my jaw. Damn. He had really learned how to throw a punch. But what is he talking about? "I have no idea what you're talking about. I never touched her."

"That's not what she said!"

"I don't know what she said, but-..."

Sean whipped back around, a painful expression on his face. "How could you do it? She's not okay, man! She probably didn't know what she was doing! Do you even understand what she's gotten herself into? She's doing-..."

"Sean, don't say anything that could hurt her..." I spoke quietly. He knew. I know it. Did she tell him? Or has he known all along?

Sean shook his head and his face crumpled. Oh God. Was he going to _cry_? Angry tears gathered in his eyes and he punched a "Handicap Parking" sign. The crowd around us buzzed. Did he realize what a spectacle he was making of himself.

"Sean, I never touched Ellie. I swear."

He turned back around to look at me. Defeated. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, seriously." I put my fist out and he knocked it.

He sighed with frustration and ran a hand through his hair. "You have to help me find her. I- I did something wrong today."

"Okay, but let's get out of here. Go somewhere else..." I glared at the students gathered around us. Maybe they'd get the point and get the hell away from us. They didn't. They just stared stupidly back at me. Whatever. "Get in the car, Cameron," I ordered.

He did as I said and soon we were speeding down a back road. It was silent in the car. I didn't want to really say anything until we actually got somewhere and stopped.

"Ellie's on drugs..." Sean struggled with the words, but eventually got them out.

"I know."

We looked at each other. I sighed and pulled the car over on the side of the road. This would just have to do. I turned the ignition off and sat back in my seat, staring straight ahead. There were no cars in sight, just miles and miles of some seemingly abandoned road.

"What am I going to do?" Sean asked emotionally.

"You really love her don't you?"

He didn't answer me. Instead, he repeated his first question.

"What am I doing to do?"

**Okay. Next chapter- Marco/Ellie, Dan/Ellie, and, perhaps, Sean/Ellie _goodness_. We'll see. Thanks for the reviews!**


	28. I Want To Save You

**Chapter 28: I Want To Save You**

**Ellie**

I slammed the door behind me and rushed towards the stairwell. Who does Sean think he

is? He _tricked_ me. He was using my weakness to his advantage and that's just wrong. All I want to do is lay on my bed and sleep. Preferably forever.

As soon as my hand hit the banister, however, I heard the familiar clicking of my mom's heels. Dammit.

"Ellie?" my mom walked into the foyer, hands placed on hips and a scowl already on her face.

"Yes, _mother_?" I matched the intensity of her eyes.

"You have some explaining to do. Skipping school... again? What is going on?"

"Nothing!"

"Ellie," my mom's voice took on a warning tone.

"Jesus Christ, does what I say mean _nothing_? I said I'm fine, that means I'm fine. Back off!

She put her index finger in my face and shook it. "Don't you dare take that tone of voice with me. I am your _mother_ and-..."

"THEN ACT LIKE IT!" I screamed, knocking her finger out of my face. "Act like you're my goddamn mother, once in awhile!"

She grabbed my wrist hard and brought my arm to her. "What is _this_?"

"What?" I stammered. What was she talking about?

"This!" She held my arm in front of me, and I saw one of my more recent cuts.

My laugh sounded hollow. Is she serious? Am I really hearing this? "You really don't hear a single word I say, do you mom?"

"Oh, lay off. Tell me the truth. What is this?"

"I told you the truth. I told you I cut myself. Do you want to see all of them?"

My mom dropped my arm like it was infected and a disgusted look spread across her face. "_Cut_ yourself? What do you mean by that? What's that mean!"

I rubbed my wrist where my mom had been holding on tightly and looked away, tears threatening to spill any second. "What do I have to do for you to notice me?"

"If this is some sick ploy to get my attention, Ellie, then you really need help."

"It's not," I answered truthfully. "But if you paid attention to me, you would have known when it first started. But you didn't, and then you didn't even notice when I admitted it to you and daddy. It's like- it's like no matter what, nothing will ever be good enough. So why should I even bother anymore?"

"I'm starting to get really sick of your melodramatic attitude, Eleanor. And so is your dad. So, I suggest you get a better attitude and soon."

I can't believe I'm hearing this. I can't believe my own mother won't listen to me when I'm trying to spill my heart out to her. If my own mom won't talk to me, who will? I looked at my feet. I don't even know what to say to this. Am I supposed to say "okay!" and go on with my day? Or am I supposed to yell back and try harder to get her to hear me?

"Okay," I responded in a small voice.

I turned around and continued the rest of the way up the steps. She didn't even try to stop me. She didn't try to look at my arm, to take care of my cuts. She let me _walk away_. I collapsed on my bed and let out a scream into my pillows.

My cell phone started to ring, and I absent mindedly dug through my purse for it. Opening one eye, I saw that the caller ID said it was Marco. Marco might be the only person I can handle talking to right now.

"Hello?" I mumbled into my phone.

"I'm outside."

"What?" I sat up in bed and craned my next to look outside. Sure enough, Marco was out there in his dad's van.

"Come outside. We're going."

A small smile spread across my face. "Going where?" I asked as I looked in my mirror at my reflection.

"Anywhere you want."

Where do I want to go? I can't go to Sean, I'm pissed at him. I can't go to Ashley... it's just too complicated. Suddenly, a place popped into my head. "I know where I want to go. I'll be right out."

I wasn't about to risk running into my mom again. I'll just scale down the wall outside my window. I thought about leaving a note, but decided against it. It's not like my mom would even come and check on me. I put a leg over my balcony and stopped. Well... Running back into my room, I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote a quick note.

_Mom,_

_Went out with Marco. Be back later._

_I love you._

_Ellie_

Why did I write that I loved her? _Because you do._ I know, but why can't I just, for once,

_not_ give in? I just want to be mean and nasty for once without feeling like a completely horrible human being.

I felt a pair of hands grab onto my hips as I jumped down to the ground, and Marco brought me safely to the grass.

"Be careful, El."

I turned around to look at Marco. "Thanks... for this. I really needed to get out."

"Yeah, well, it's also satisfying my hunger for gossip. So, a huge scene happened at school today between Jay and Sean..." his voice trailed off and he gave me a look before heading towards the driver's side.

"What!" I exclaimed. Had Sean really taken me seriously? I slid into my seat and turned towards Marco. "What do you mean a 'scene'?"

Marco shook his head and drove out of my driveway. "_Huge!_ Sean came after school and basically beat the crap out of Jay. He mentioned you... and the fact that you and Jay did..."

"_Nothing_. Believe me. I just said that Jay and I hooked up to piss Sean off."

"And why did you want to piss Sean off? I thought things were going great between you guys?"

"Yeah, going a little too great... It's so complicated, Marco, that I really don't think I can even get into it. But someday I'll tell you. Right now it's just..."

"Too fresh?" Marco helped.

"Yeah, that's _exactly_ what it is."

"So, where to?"

"University. I'm going to see Dan."

**Marco**

I didn't ask anymore questions about Sean or anything. That's one thing I value between

Ellie and I. Sure, we're nosy about each other's business, but we both know when to stop asking about it. We're so alike sometimes, it's almost scary. But then we're also so different from each other that it's too scary.

I glanced at Ellie sideways. Is it me or has she gained a little weight? I don't know... I _could_ be imagining things, but I hope I'm not. "You're looking good, Ellie."

There, that'd make her feel better.

"What?" Ellie gave me a weird look and grabbed onto her wrist.

"You look like you've put on some weight, in the face at least," I grinned and looked back at the road in front of me.

She didn't say anything. She just rested her forehead against the window and stared out of it.

I continued. "Maybe we should stop for dinner somewhere?" I looked around me. "Um, what do you feel like? Hamburgers, chicken, tacos?"

"I'm really not hungry right now."

"Oh, come on! I bet you haven't eaten all day. I could go for some tacos. Yum!" I tried to make it sound as appealing as I could.

She wasn't buying it. "Marco!"

"What?"

"Please, I'm not hungry."

"Okay..." I bit my lip and gripped the steering wheel tighter. How am I supposed to cure her if she won't let me? She needs someone to take her out to eat and to tell her that she's gaining weight and looking better. I'm already keeping it a secret, what else can she be looking for? I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix her.

"Not even some fries?" I tried one last time.

She shook her head and didn't answer me.

"So, why do you want to go see Dan?"

She shrugged slightly and looked at my profile. "I haven't talked to him in awhile. I just really want to see how he's doing."

"That's cool. He was a nice guy. What happened between you guys?"

She blushed. "It just... didn't work out. We're just better friends, you know?"

"Kind of like us?"

"No."

"What?"

"_Not_ like us. I never chose to be just friends with you. I wanted to be more. We could have been a _great_ couple."

I could hear the bitterness in her voice, and I dropped the subject. I should have known better than to bring us up. It always strikes a chord with her.

"Okay, so how's singing with Craig?"

"Fine. We need to practice again soon."

"And are you going to manage the wrestling team?"

"Yeah. I decided it'd look good on my transcripts. I need to be more involved."

I laughed. "More involved? You're already involved in so much!"

"Yeah, well, you know me. Always the best. Always the over-achiever."

The tone of her voice made me uncomfortable. Something tells me that her parents put a lot of pressure on her, but not nearly as much as she puts on herself. I don't even think she realizes the amount of pressure she gives herself. I'm surprised she hasn't completely buckled from it all.

"So, Christmas is coming up. You excited?" I flashed her a big grin and restrained myself from rubbing my hands together in excitement.

Ellie hopped up and down in her seat. "YES!" We both squealed like little girls and laughed at our idiotic behavior. "We're so childish. But I can't help it!"

"I know! Presents!"

"I'm just looking forward to decorating and buying people gifts. It's always been my favorite part."

"My favorite part is opening gifts. I'm selfish."

Ellie chuckled and squeezed my arm. "You are not selfish, you're _normal_!"

I gave her an impish look. "So, what are you going to get me?"

I looked out of the corner of my eye as Ellie shook her head with a smile. "You just love ruining surprises. I'm not going to tell you."

"Ellie!" I whined. I gave her my best puppy-dog face but she ignored it.

"Nope, you'll just have to wait like everybody else."

"Everybody else? Who else are you buying for?"

"Ashley, Alex, Emma, Manny, Jay, Craig, and Sean."

"Sean? I thought..."

She gave me an exasperated look. "I'm mad at him, but that doesn't mean we're not friends."

"And Jay?"

"Jay has been a really good friend to me lately... surprisingly..."

"Oh," I frowned. Was she telling Jay stuff she wasn't telling me? I don't like the idea of that. She's supposed to be able to tell me anything. Does _he_ know about her eating disorder? An idea came to my head. If _he_ knew, then why didn't him and me join forces and help her? That'd be the perfect solution.

Except...

I don't know for sure if he does. So, for once, I'm not going to jump to conclusion and open my mouth. I've vowed to keep this a secret and I am going to, no matter what. Look how much better Ellie's gotten since I found out! Something I'm doing is working.

Ellie rested her head back against her seat, and I stared at her while at a stoplight. I really would do anything for her. I think that's how a lot of people feel. It's how Sean feels. I think Craig feels that way. Maybe even Jay... She's one of those people that you hate to see hurt because she's such a good person. I just hope she figures that out for herself one of these days.

**Dan**

I opened my door and stared in shock at who was standing in front of me. I didn't really

think I'd ever see her again. I know we said we'd stay friends, and I told her I'd always be here for her, but I didn't think she'd ever take me up on the offer. "Hey, Ellie," I greeted, trying to make my voice as normal as possible.

"Hey," her voice was a little scratchy.

"Do you want a drink?" I started to open the fridge, but Ellie stopped me.

"No, I'm fine. I just wanted to... see you... visit."

I looked at how disheveled she looked: worn out, thin, stressed. Her face was paler than usual, and I noticed her hands were shaking a little. I grabbed them and held them in my hands gently. "Don't. What's wrong?"

She shook her head and looked over my shoulder behind me. She's doing it again- putting up that wall around her. She comes to you, acting as if she wants help, acting as if she needs to tell you something, but the moment you become concerned, she puts up the wall. I don't get her. I really don't. It's like she can't make up her mind or something. I wish she would because these little games that she plays put me through hell. You just want to protect her, keep her away from everything bad, but then you learn she's already involved with everything bad.

"How'd you get here?" I decided to ask a simple question. Get her talking about simple stuff. Then maybe we could get somewhere.

"Marco. He said he'd wait outside while we talked."

"Okay, do you want a drink or anything?"

"No, I'm fine."

We sat down on my little couch and she sat straight and rigid. She was uncomfortable. Why is she uncomfortable? This is me, Dan. Her friend. "So, what's going on with you?"

She laughed and tilted her head. "Oh, the usual. Fucking up my life. What else would I be doing?"

"What do you mean?" I could tell she was trying to joke around, but she was really serious underneath it all.

She looked me dead-on in the eye and listed everything, "Let's see. I messed around with Sean again, I totally messed up at school the other day, my parents got into a fight and now they're separating and it's all my fault-..."

"Woah, woah, woah! How is your parent's separation _your_ fault?" I didn't believe her. Ellie puts the blame on herself for everything.

"My dad got angry that my mom didn't tell him about her problem or going to rehab. She wanted to tell him, but I made her promise not to. That's how it's my fault. If I had just let my mom tell my dad the truth, they would still be happy together."

"Hey, your mom chose to drink, chose to leave, chose to go to rehab. She chose to promise you she wouldn't tell. Your dad chooses to leave every week. He chooses to not be around. You can't blame yourself for their choices. They're _stupid _choices."

"Whatever," she looked at her hands in her lap and then back up at me. "Sean found out about the drugs. I got angry with him. He got angry with me. He's acting like he knows what's best for me. We're fighting, at least, I think we are. I don't know... It's just so complicated with us. I just want to be with... never mind. It doesn't really matter. I don't know if we'll ever be friends again... And there's something else. I lied to you."

"What?" My eyebrows narrowed. What is she talking about? When did she lie to me?

"I'm such a hypocrite. I talk about how truth should be treasured, should always be told. And, here I am, lying to everyone the first opportunity I get. I lied to you when you asked me about the drugs. I hadn't just been doing them for a few weeks or whatever. It wasn't my first time. I've done them before. I've done them for a long time."

My throat went dry. I should have known. "How long?"

"Years. It wasn't so bad before. It probably started around fifth or sixth grade. I kind of forget. It was just something you did during some boring party your parents drug you to. You'd go to the bathroom with a few of your friends and get high." She paused and let out a laugh, shaking her head. "It started out with just weed. We'd smoke a joint or two to get a buzz. Then we turned to pills- pain relievers mostly. You know, because us rich kids are in _so much pain_. What a joke, huh? That's what everyone thinks. They think it's some big joke. As if we don't feel anything. We're not supposed to feel pain, we're only supposed to be happy and smiling because we have money and parents who will give us anything we want and we get to travel the world and meet fascinating people. It's not like that. Maybe in the movies, but not real life. I probably sound like I'm trying to get you and everyone else to feel sorry for me. I'm not. I really don't care what everyone thinks about it. I just want people to know that, you know, we're human, too. We're sad sometimes, too. Listen to me- I'm getting off track..."

I opened my mouth to say something, although I didn't know what, but she continued.

"Pain relievers lasted for awhile. It helped us from feeling the pain and everything. Pretty soon we were numb. And then that wasn't good enough either. We didn't want to be numb, we wanted to feel _good_. So then we started using stuff like ecstasy and speed. I snorted speed a few times. I kind of liked it. It came on faster, it lasted longer. That's how cocaine came in. It was great. It _is_ great. It made me forget about everything except about having fun and being happy and loving everyone. Even then, though, it was only once in awhile that I did it. Seventh grade I started doing it more. Back then I was messed up. I did some messed up things- sleeping around, earning money that way, working hard on my perfect image... People really liked me. Especially the guys. They thought I was fun. For twenty bucks they could get a fantastic blow job."

"Are you kidding me?" I interrupted. My nostrils flared, and I was seething inside. She shrugged, acting as if it were no big deal. "They took advantage of you!"

"No, they didn't. I wanted to do it. I liked doing it. With all the money, I was able to buy coke as much as I wanted. One time, at a party, I tried heroin. I liked it. Not as much as cocaine, but close. I _loved_ cocaine. I worshiped it. It was my escape. Once in awhile turned to every weekend. Then to a few times a week, then to once everyday, to twice everyday, and... so on. Lately I'd been going through an entire bag in a week. You're not supposed to be able to do that. I just couldn't help myself..."

"You're talking in past tense."

"That's because I'm finished with it. It's over. I can't do it anymore."

A small smile broke across my face, and I put a hand on her shoulder. "Seriously? You're not doing it anymore?"

She smiled sadly at me and shook her head. "Nope. I broke down. It got to be too much. It's really messed me up, Dan. My parents... God, they don't even love each other anymore! How am I supposed to deal with that? I thought they were in love, I thought they'd last forever. And now I have no confidence whatsoever in love... I did too many lines. I passed out one night, woke up the next morning, none of my homework finished, no preparation for my tests that day, it sucked. I freaked out. I tried to run away."

"Don't you _ever_ run away, Ellie. Do you know how dangerous that is? I can't even imagine you out on the streets-..."

"Yeah, well I was prepared to use all my money to buy drugs. I really would have been out on the streets... But I stopped myself. I realized I couldn't do it anymore- I can't hurt myself anymore like that. I have to take control, I have to get better. There's too many people I care about. Like Marco, and Sean, and Ashley, and... well, _you_."

I stared her in the eyes, "I care about you, too."

"I used to be so popular back in Montreal at Rookwood. People payed attention to me- I did sports, I was on stage, I was known for more than just having a perfect GPA or being a cutter. I was known as the funny girl, the dependent one, the nice girl, the perfect friend. Everyone said I'd be famous one day. Everyone thought that I'd be happy and be married to Brayden and have a big family and be some actress or director or maybe even teach... Then again, everyone just _acted_ like they cared about me. No one really cared about me. Not one of them knew why I love winter, or what my favorite song was, or anything stupid like that. I usually hung out with one or two people at lunch. I had only two really close friends. And I had Brayden for awhile. But after Brayden died, everyone's true colors came out. No one cared how I felt. _Not one person_. They all thought I was some heartless bitch, they all blamed me. No one even cared to think that maybe I was breaking apart. I _was_ breaking. I still am..."

_I _was breaking apart, too, just by listening to her. She sounded so confused and lost and scared. I thought Ellie Nash was tough and sarcastic and some party girl. She never really talked about anything serious with me. It's not like I didn't want to, but she just... didn't. She always steered the conversation towards me or the next party or something trivial.

"Wow... Listen, Els. I'm not going to ask you what happened. I don't think I can bare to hear about something bad that happened to you. You deserve so much better than to live in the past and be reminded of it everyday. But I can tell you this, you _are not _to blame for anyone's death. That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You wouldn't hurt anyone. You are the sweetest, most gentle, caring person I've ever known in my life. You have virtue, you have morals-..."

"I don't think I do anymore," she wasn't facing me. She just let it slip out in _this_ voice. This voice that said she had already given up, that she couldn't fight it anymore.

I grabbed her shoulders and made her look at me. "Listen to me! You _do_ have morals. You _are_ a good person. And it takes guts to say you're going to quit. It takes serious commitment for that, and I'm prepared to help you every step of the way. I can't stand to think of you hurting yourself or..."

My voice trailed off as she slid down the sleeve of her shirt, and I stared at the three red lines carved into her arm. "No," I whispered. She nodded and touched them with her little fingers. I placed my hand over hers and brought her hand away from her arm. With my other hand, I pulled the sleeve back down. I searched her eyes and held her hands close to me. "No more. You're not doing this to yourself anymore. You deserve so much more than a razor and some chemical high."

"I don't deser-..."

"You deserve _everything_," I broke in. I was starting to get so... so _angry_ about how much she was hurting herself. How could she do it? So many people care about her. I care about her. Why can't she just see how much everyone needs her?

She sighed and glanced at the clock on the wall. "I have to go. My mom will start to get worried."

"That's all?" my voice rose. "You're going to come in here, tell me your story, show me your cuts, and leave? There's so much more that needs to be discussed. We need to find a way to get you help. You need to get better. You need-..."

She interrupted me, a smirk on her face. She was already putting that wall back up again. "Listen, Dan. I love that you want to help. But this is something I have to figure out myself. I can't depend on everyone else to make me feel better about something I did so long ago. I just thought you should know that I'm not _trying_ to be messed up. I'm just, I'm not trying to hurt everyone. I'm trying to help everyone, but it seems nothing I do is ever good enough."

"Please, talk to me!" I begged. I got up from the couch and followed her to my door. "I don't want you leaving like this. I want to talk."

She put a hand to my mouth and her eyes focused in on me. They were sad. "Thank you. Really. But I just can't talk about this anymore. I'm going to get my life back together, I swear. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

Her hand uncovered my lips and I nodded slowly. "Yeah, call me. Promise?"

"Promise."

"I care about you, Ellie."

"Thanks. I care about you, too."

"Get home and get some sleep. You look tired. Say hi to Marco for me." I kissed her cheek and gave her a little hug before letting her out. She jogged over to the van and turned to wave before getting in the car. She was already acting as if nothing had just happened. I saw the huge smile that went across her face when she got into the car. Marco wouldn't even know the difference. She would tell him that we had a nice chat about things and that she was super duper, and Marco, thinking she's the most honest person he knows, would believe everything she said. He'll never allow himself to see that she, too, knows how to lie.

_Ellie,_

_I'm sending you this e-mail because I don't feel as if our conversation is anywhere near over. I don't think you're telling me the whole truth. And if you are, I'm sorry for not trusting you, but can you imagine how hard it is for me to not worry about you? Listen, I think there's more going on with you than you think. I learned about it the other day in my psychology class. We're studying human behavior right now. It's called Post-Traumatic Stress disorder. I really think you should read up about it. It can happen to somebody after they have a traumatic experience- war, rape, car crash, death... They can have nightmares about it, flashbacks, turn to alcohol/drugs... They can hurt themselves. I'm not trying to sound preachy. I just really care about you and want you to get help. You owe yourself that much. _

_You're a special girl, Nash. Everyone thinks so. I don't understand how you can feel as if nobody cares about you. I know, I know, I don't see you everyday. I don't see how people treat you. I'm sure you're ignored sometimes, I'm sure you feel left out sometimes, I'm sure you feel angry sometimes. It's normal. It's _high school_. And if you're friends aren't there for you, screw them. Seriously, screw them. You deserve to have only the best. But, think about it, Marco and Ashley cared enough about you to come up here and drag you home- despite mine and your protests. I feel like an idiot about that now. I should have made you go home. I'm older, I should have known better than to have you stay with me and skip school. Forgive me for that? Marco forgave you even though you said some nasty stuff to him. He came back up to get you after that party. He loves you, Ellie. And I know you complain about how shallow Ashley can be sometimes and how she just loves to desert you to hang out with that blonde chick, but you've helped her so much in the past, that there is no way she could ever forget that. She'll never forget how you befriended her when she had no one. See, I do remember things you tell me! I do listen to you whine and complain. All joking aside, though, I really do feel as if people care about you. You're the most generous person I know. You'd give up anything to make someone else happy. That's amazing. You're intelligent- you know things I still have no idea about. It's like you're so much more wise than everyone else. If I didn't know any better, I would think you've lived a million different past lives. You seem to know so much more than anyone else your age, twice your age, or a million times your age. And you're so young. You don't have some creepy self-portrait hanging up in your attic anywhere, do you? (In case you didn't understand, that was a blatant reference to The Picture of Dorian Gray. I read it. I really did. Aren't you proud of me? You said I'd like it, and, honestly, I loved it. I even gave up a few nights out to stay in and read it. ) But... back on track... You're loyal. I'd say you're like a dog, but you might take that in the wrong way. You may say Ashley's bugging you or Marco's being a total jerk one day, but the second they need you, you're there. You're beautiful. I don't really know what else to say about that. Except you are incredibly gorgeous. You've got the most wicked sense of humor. You can tell some of the worst jokes I've ever heard in my life (key example: What does a dog call it when he sleeps outside? ... RUFFin' it. Wow...insert fake laughter here), and the saddest part is that you're proud that you made them up yourself. You're the only girl I've ever known that can be totally sarcastic without even trying. You are capable of good things. You do fund raisers... you help out at a freaking orphanage... What more can I say? Next you'll be running into burning buildings to save a parakeet or something else as equally heroic as that. Okay, bad example- parakeet... You're probably completely sick of hearing me go on and on about how great you are. But I have a feeling that not a lot of people tell you this stuff. They should tell you everyday. I just wanted to remind you of how good a person you are and hopefully this will convince you that you are worth it. _

_I don't know if you're just doing drugs and cutting... I'm sure there are other things that you do to "help" the pain, but I'm not going to make any judgments just yet. I can't just barge into your life and tell you what to do. You'll know what to do. You're a strong person and you have a good head on your shoulders. Even though I've given you smack about being the most idealistic person I know, and even though I said you're out of touch with reality about 98 of the time, I really admire you for being able to see the good in everything and everybody. Not many people can list that as one of their qualities. I think that's what's so endearing about you. You don't want to believe that there are people that are generally cruel. I used to think that, but now... I don't know... I'm starting to see things more your way. You've affected me more than you think. And hopefully I've affected you in a way. Hopefully I'm showing you how special you are._

_I feel like I'm rambling and saying the same things over and over again, but I don't think you can hear how funny or smart or loyal you are too much. I wish you so much luck in your plan of quitting everything bad in your life. It's going to be hard. Don't think it's going to be easy and a snap. It won't be. You're going to hate it. You're going to be sick and angry and moody, but, hey, it'll be worth it, in the end. In the end, you'll really be in control of yourself. You won't have to depend on a line or a razor for comfort. And if you ever need to pick of that phone and talk to someone, I'm there. I'll listen to whatever you have to say. I don't care if you just want to talk about a movie you saw or a new shirt you bought. Just talk to me. _

_Okay, now, I know a lot of shit is happening right now in your life. Your parents being the prime example. Believe me, though, they love you so much. And they love each other. I've never met them, I've never seen them interact. But, they had you. I can't imagine two people who had you not utterly and completely loving each other with every fiber of their being. No, I didn't get that out of some movie of the week. I know you're thinking it. And you're not to blame for their separation. It happens. Sometimes they get back together, sometimes they don't. I'm certain your parents will. It has nothing to do with you and you making your mom promise to not tell your dad and... I really don't get your logic sometimes, Nash. I mean that in a completely loving and devoted way. _

_Please don't believe that love doesn't exist. It does. It's not just some fantasy in movies and tv. It really is out there. I know I have no business saying this- but think about it: You don't think love exists? Well then, what did you feel for Brayden? What did he feel for you? I can tell just by the way you said his name, that you were in love with him. Hell, you might even still love him. You don't just stop loving somebody in an instant. Just think about that for a second. And what about Marco? You two just _fit_. Some people might call it sickening, I call it hopeful. Now, I've never seen you with Sean. You shared little information about him, but... come on, Ellie, stop fooling yourself. If you could have seen the way your face lit up even when you were bitching about how horrible he was to you. There's something there. I'm not going to be ambitious and call it love just yet, but think about it. Explore it. I think there still might be something there between you two. You told me he was the first person you told willingly about your cutting. You said you helped him do better in school. You told me you let yourself go when you were with him. When you think about all these examples I've just given you, how can you believe there isn't love in the world? Please, don't become one of those cynical fools. Like I said before, your imagination and idealism is intriguing, it's refreshing, it gives cynics like me a little hope. Yes, I used to be one of those cynical fools, and then I met you. You may think you matter very little to people, but you really changed me. You really do matter. _

_I'm going to get started on some homework, though, but I just wanted to tell you this. You might be laughing at how corny this e-mail is, but it is the TRUTH. One more thing, don't give up on Sean just because you two got in a fight. As your ex-boyfriend, I really shouldn't be convincing you to be with another guy, I should be jealous, but I just want what's best for you. And if he is what you want- like I think he is- then just let go and be with him. Don't worry about what other's think, don't worry about getting hurt, don't worry about the fight you just had- he cares about you. Him getting angry after finding out about your drug problem is a GOOD thing. Seriously. It shows he cares. If he didn't get angry, if he just let it go, then what kind of man is he? Nobody likes to see the person they love in pain and hurting themself. Just... don't be so hard on him. I know how you get. You feel as if everyone is ganging up on you, but they're not. He isn't. He truly cares for you. I don't even know the guy, and I can tell that. So... just, I don't know, forgive him. We all say things we don't mean. We all do things we wish we hadn't done. _

_So now that your eyes are probably burning from looking at the computer screen for so long, I'll let you go. I hope you really take into consideration what I've said in this e-mail. You have a purpose in this world, El. Don't let yourself get caught up in that crap anymore. You're so much better than it. I love you and sweet dreams._

_Love, _

_Dan_

_PS. Please don't show this to anyone. My reputation would be ruined! Who knew I was such a softy? _

**Ellie**

_Dan,_

_Thanks. Really, thank you. That e-mail was beautiful. And you said things in it that no one has ever said before. Do you know what it's like to finally hear someone tell you that you matter? It's... I can't even explain it. I'm sure someone has told me it before, but coming from you it's been the first time I've ever **heard** it. And you tell me I have a purpose. That's comforting. Sometimes I really think I don't. I feel like I'm just going from one stage to the next. Getting used along the way. _

_And, brace yourself, you're right. You're right about the whole Brayden/Marco/Sean/love thing. If I even dared to stay that I didn't feel love for them, it'd be the most dishonest thing I've ever done. I'm going to try and keep that in mind when it comes to my parents. I still blame myself for that, but that's my problem. There's really not much you could say about that._

_I don't really know what else to say. I'm so overwhelmed by everything lately. There's so much going on, there are so many feelings, and so many thoughts. I know I should forgive Sean. You're right. He does care about me. He's one of the few guys who's actually given a damn about me. Thanks for reminding me how special he is. I'm really going to work on that relationship._

_I don't know if I can look into that stress disorder thing. I just... it's hard for me to explain why. I don't know if I can go and get help for this. I think it might be something that I have to help myself get through. Just me. You know? I don't know. It probably makes no sense to you, but it does to me. Or maybe I just want it to make sense... Who knows? _

_I printed out your e-mail. I'm keeping it in a special place so I can look at it whenever I feel like someone is using me, or when I feel down, or when I feel out of control. Hopefully it'll get me through it instead of a razor or drugs. Next time you see me, I hope I'm a different person. Not different in the way that I've changed completely, but different in that I've changed for the better and that I've changed to become more of myself. _

_Love you,_

_Ellie_


	29. Crashing Down

**Chapter 29: Crashing Down**

**Ellie**

I rolled out of bed and crashed to my hands and knees on the floor. Oh God. If I didn't

make it to the toilet in five seconds, I'd be heaving all over the floor. But it's so hard to even _function_ right now. I just want to pass out.

"Ellie?" my dad knocked on the door. What's my dad doing here?

"Yeah?" I croaked out, swallowing hard. Please, God, do not let it come up now. How am I supposed to explain to my dad why I'm crawling on the ground and puking everywhere?

"Can I come in?"

"Dad, can I just see you when I get downstairs? I'm getting ready."

"Ellie, are you okay? You sound sick. Can I come in?"

"Dad, I'm fine. I'll see you downstairs!" I blurted out before throwing myself against the toilet. I probably coughed up a lung trying to get all of it out. Yeah, they never show this side of drug addiction in the movies... Let me tell you, it's _real_ glamourous. But, hey, at least the constant puking is helping keep the weight off. I've read that sometimes weight gain is unavoidable after stopping drug use. We'll see about that.

"You've really done it this time, Nash," I whispered to my reflection. God. Ms. Sauve would take one look at my grey skin and haul me into her office. I really don't know how much longer I can go on just helping myself. It's been a week since my encounter with Dan and we've talked every day on the phone. I haven't really brought up the issues we talked about in the e-mails and everything, mainly I've just told him what happened in school that day or something stupid like that. He doesn't ask questions. I still have to go talk to Sean. We smiled at each other in the hall the other day, but nothing beyond that. I think we're both trying to give the other some space. Jay hasn't talked to me either. Or, I haven't let him talk to me. He tried coming up to me a few times the past few days, but I made up some random excuse and got the hell out of there. I don't know. I might talk to him today. Him and Sean. Sean might be willing to help me out.

The hot water felt good pounding against my skin and it took all I had to get myself out of the shower. Wrapped in a big, fluffy lime green towel I slowly made my way over to my closet. Lately I'd just been throwing on whatever jeans I could find and big sweatshirts. Maybe today I'll pick out something nicer since I'll be attempting to talk to Sean. Not that what I wear around him really matters or anything... I just want to look... _nice_.

I ended up choosing a grey denim skirt and a black and white top. Nothing too special. It's not like I'm trying to impress anyone here. My eyes skipped over my boots and I stuffed my foot into an old pair of Airwalks from, like, the seventh grade. Whatever. I can't even wear my boots anymore. Suddenly they've gotten too heavy for me to walk around in. I used to like the extra work-out they gave my legs, but now it's just too much.

A few bracelets and necklaces were the last additions to my outfit. I stepped in front of the full length mirror and took one last look at myself. My clothes looked fine, my jewelry looked fine, my makeup was superb as always, and my hair was still damp. Eh, It'd probably dry a little wavy, but, whatever, I don't have the energy to hold up a hair dryer. Ew, though. I seriously should have put on some fishnets or something. I haven't showed off my legs in awhile. They look completely gross. I turned to my profile and inspected my legs from all angles. They were smooth, but do I have to be so... _bowlegged_? I look like a fucking cow. I don't have the energy to care, though.

"I wanted to drive you to school so I could talk with you."

My dad looked over at me as we stopped at a stop sign. Okay, he has so surpassed the two-second rule. "Dad, you can drive now."

"Oh," he pressed on the gas and the car shot forward. "So, we haven't talked in awhile. Your mother mentioned that you showed her something really disturbing the other day, though."

I laughed hollowly. "Damn, it really takes a long time for a follow-up with you guys. I'm _fine_. I was just trying to freak mom out because she was acting like a bi-..."

"Don't talk about your mother like that."

"Why do you care? You're the one divorcing her." I glared at him out of the corner of my eye.

My dad let out an exasperated sigh and pulled over onto the side of the road. "Don't steer the conversation towards your mom and I."

"Dad, I'll be late for school. Please, can't we just do this some other time? Preferably never?"

"Ellie, you're _cutting_. This is serious."

I became suddenly fascinated with my nails. Did he have to say the word out loud? I know I'm cutting. And he knew that awhile ago when I told him about it. Why does it take him forever to actually hear what I'm saying?

"I've scheduled for you to talk with your school guidance counselor today during lunch. I really think she can help you figure out exactly what's making you do this."

Of course my dad scheduled me an appointment with Ms. Sauve. He'd rather hand me off to "professionals" than talk to me himself. Him actually talking to me about it might be the thing to save me, but does he know this? No. He doesn't even remember how to talk to me.

"I don't need her to know why I do it," I blurted out emotionally. I immediately wanted to take back those words. Did I have to sound so desperate?

My dad put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed affectionately. "Then why are you doing it, Elle-Belle?"

Elle-Belle. Tears gathered in the corners of my eyes. I love when he calls me that. It reminds me of when I was little and my parents were always around and we'd always do fun stuff together like dance around the living room and make cookies and my dad and I would always steal the cookie dough which just pissed my mom off, but she would always laugh at the cookie dough all over my face. Damn, I love these stream-of-consciousness moments I have.

"Dad, do you remember how mom would always get so mad at us for stealing the cookie dough?" I met my father's eyes.

"What?" my dad gave me a confusing look.

"The cookie dough... nevermind." I tried. I had tried to tell him why I do it, but he can't even remember stupid memories from when I was little. If he could remember those moments, he'd understand partially why I do the things I do.

We sat in silence for five minutes before my dad finally pulled back out onto the road and drove me to school. The car ride was quiet, only the radio softly reporting the stock market for the day could be heard. I kept my eyes averted to the outside and my dad stared straight ahead. How did things get so weird between us? Is this part of becoming a teenager and growing up? Aren't normal teenagers supposed to hate their parents and want to be left alone all the time? I don't want that. At least, I don't think I do. I just want my parents _around_. At least most of the time. I don't necessarily want them all in my business all the time, but I guess you can't have both things at once.

My dad pulled the car up to the school and I saw Sean heading in from the parking lot. He was alone. This is too perfect. All of a sudden I couldn't wait to get out of the car and away from the deafening silence. "Thanks for the ride, daddy," I said before going to shut the door.

"Ellie!"

I turned around and opened the car door back up. "Yeah?"

My dad smiled at me and started to nod. "You always had it all over your face. The cookie dough, I mean. Your mom and I had to wrestle you down to wipe it off. One time, you reached into the oven to get more cookie dough and burnt yourself. I held you as your mom pressed a hot washcloth against your hand. You didn't even cry, you were so brave. You said you'd never eat chocolate chip cookies again. That's why you don't like chocolate chip cookies. You like the dough, but you can't stand the cookie."

My hands started shaking. How did he remember this? I don't even remember it. _That's _why I don't like chocolate chip cookies. I tried to force words out of my mouth. Something that meant something, something with substance, but all I could say was "thanks". How stupid. "Thanks". Just like that.

I watched as my dad's car disappeared down the road and wrapped my arms around myself. For once, my dad was reminding _me_ of something from my childhood. Who knows, maybe there's more he remembers. Maybe I haven't been totally fair to my dad the past few weeks. He's just confused me more than ever now.

"Ellie?"

I turned around at the sound of his voice. There he was. Standing in front of me, looking totally serious, and insanely irresistible. _Stop thinking that._ I cleared my throat and let me arms down to my sides. "Sean."

**Sean**

I hooked my left arm around my neck and looked up into the sun. "So, can we talk?" I

brought my gaze back down to Ellie in front of me. She had turned to look back at the direction her dad's car had gone in. She returned her eyes back to me after I spoke.

"Yeah," she sounded dejected and used. "I wanted to talk to you anyway."

We walked over to our special grove of trees, the one with "our" picnic table. I can remember the last time we sat here. She had been fighting with Marco and Ashley and basically the entire world. It didn't seem like it was that long ago. Was it? I can't even remember. I can't even bring a complete thought into my head these days. Their always consumed by _her_.

"What'd you want to talk about?" we both asked at the same time. Ellie lifted a corner of her mouth in a smile and smoothed her short skirt underneath her as she sat on the table. I sat on the bench below it, placing my arm on the table. I could feel her hand just centimeters away from mine. I'm sure she could feel the heat coming from my arm just as much as I could feel the coldness coming from her fingers.

"So," I began. I didn't really know what I wanted to say. Or how to start. Or how to form any meaningful word. "Your dad dropped you off."

Smart, Cameron. Way to make such an intelligent observation.

"Yeah, he came over this morning." She lifted her face into the sun and closed her eyes briefly.

"Are things okay between you guys? Between you and your parents?" Her eyes flew back open and flashed.

"Barely," she snapped. She groaned in frustration and dropped her face into her hands. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get all bitchy just now. Do you have any idea how confused and useless I feel right now? My dad- my dad... he's _trying_ to be here for me, but I'm not making it easy for him. I don't really know why. I'm trying to punish him I guess for always disappearing on me. And my mom is acting as if everything is my fault. She's always on my back about everything- cleaning my room, if I have my homework finished, making dinner, cleaning the house... just everything. I showed her my arms the other day. I _showed_ her my cuts, Sean."

I blinked rapidly, "Wow. That's a big step, Ellie. What'd she say?"

She laughed bitterly and waved her hand. "Oh, you know. She acted like it was the most disgusting thing on earth. And then she proceeded to yell at me some more. She told me dad, though. That's why he brought me to school today. He wanted to talk."

"So... did you?"

"No, not really. I was going to, but... I remember these things we used to do when I was little- stupid stuff really. The most trivial things to remember, but sometimes that's the stuff you remember the most. And I brought up one of those memories- you know, asking if he remembered it to. He didn't get it. I was going to explain to him why I do the things I do-..."

"Do _you_ even know why you do the things you do?" I broke in. I waited. She's going to rip into me. I just know it.

But she didn't. She blinked once, twice. "No, not really, but there are things that I can just think about- like those memories- and then I see my life now and just thinking about it can trigger me to do just about anything."

"Yeah, that makes sense."

"You're humoring me, aren't you?" she smirked at me and my mind flashed to the moment on the roof when she told me to "dream on". She had given me the same look. I shook my head slightly. Why did I just think about that? That's ancient history.

"No, I'm not. I really think it makes sense. You think- you think of how things used to be, how easy things were, how much _better_ things were, and, now, when everything's going to shit, you can see the huge contrast in your life. It's painful really."

"You sound like you're talking about yourself," Ellie replied softly. "Is something going on?"

I ran a hand through my hair. "Nah, not really. It's my mom's birthday today... I was just thinking about how things used to be. We couldn't spend money on each other. We had to make our presents or find them. I _always_ got my mom flowers. I went out into this little meadow by the trailer park and picked those yellow things that always grow-..."

"Those are weeds."

"Yeah, they're weeds, but I never knew the difference and she never told me. She always acted like they were the most beautiful flowers in the world and she would showcase them in this makeshift vase we had. Damn. We really had nothing." I looked out across the campus. Wasaga Beach was about two hours from here. Only two hours, and I've never even gone to visit. Whatever, they didn't come to visit me either. They don't care about me anymore.

Ellie leaned down over her knees and played with her shoestrings. "That's so different from my house. I was always buying my dad diamond or onyx cufflinks or my mom cashmere or silk scarfs. I was given a credit card for my eighth birthday. When I was five they took me down to New York to FAO Schwartz. Have you ever been there?"

I gave her a "yeah right" look and she blushed. "Sorry... it's a huge toy store. It's crazy. We'll have to go sometime. It'd be fun. I'll buy you something."

I wanted to tell her that I didn't want her charity, but I decided against it. She wasn't meaning it in a pitying way. She just wanted me to have fun. "I can't believe you had a credit card when you were eight."

"Yeah, well, that's how it is. I think I'd rather have celebrated like you did. You know, something homemade that requires actual thought. My dad did surprise me, though, this morning."

"What'd he do?"

"He remembered something I didn't. I was so upset that he didn't remember that one memory, but then when I got out of the car, he did remember it. And then he told me how I burnt myself one time trying to get a chocolate chip cookie out of the oven while they were still baking. He said that's why I don't like chocolate chip cookies."

"Because you burnt yourself trying to get one out?"

"Yeah... weird, huh? He said I vowed I'd never eat another one ever again. And I haven't. Just the dough."

"Just chocolate chip cookies?"

"Yeah..." I started laughing. "Don't laugh!" Ellie couldn't help herself either. "Crazy, right?"

"Just a little. But that's you- crazy."

"Thanks... what a great compliment."

"I meant it in the nicest way possible."

We sat in silence for a little. Finally I mustered up the courage to ask her about the other day. "So, how's it coming- the quitting I mean."

"I knew that's what you wanted to talk about. I've been trying to avoid the subject this entire time."

"You can't avoid it forever. We got into a fight, we both said some pretty nasty things. _You_ especially."

"Sean-..."

I interrupted her. "Listen, I'm not going to sugarcoat everything I say just to make it easier on you. You called me a rapist and then you lied and told me you fooled around with Jay. Do you realize how pissed I was at you?" My nostrils flared. I had to calm down before I got angry again. But seriously, she can say the most aggravating things sometimes.

"I know," she murmured. "I'm sorry. I barely even remember the things I said. I just thought- I thought-..."

"You _thought_ I was _Brayden_. What is going on, Ellie?"

"Nothing! I just, I guess I was just remembering something between Brayden and I and then I opened my eyes to you and... I got confused."

"Yeah, and I think I know why you're so confused. Ellie, are you seriously staying clean?"

"Yes! Sean, I haven't touched a thing for a little over a week. I promise."

I looked into her eyes. She's telling the truth. I can tell. I sighed with relief and my shoulders immediately relaxed. "Good. I saw you, you know, at that charity auction. I went looking for you and saw you in the bathroom. You didn't even realize I had walked in. You were so out of it."

"I'm really embarrassed..."

"You should be. That killed me to see you like that. I thought you had it all together and... you don't. Not at all."

"I was trying so hard to keep it from you. I knew you'd be disappointed in me, and I can't stand the thought of you disappointed in me."

"Yeah... but I'm really proud of you now. You're getting better. You're being strong."

I smiled at her and she smiled back at me. I checked the clock tower and saw there were only five minutes before home room. "Come on, let's go." I reached my hands out and helped her off of the table. We didn't let go of each other's hands right away. We sort of let them slide slowly away from each other.

"Are things going to be okay between us?" Ellie asked me, looking at me sideways.

I shook my head but kept my focus on the ground. "Yeah, we're in this together."

"You and me?"

"Yeah, you and me."

**Ashley**

"How's this look?" I stepped out of my closet and modeled my new jeans and ripped t-shirt.

"Great, except for the fact that this is a _party_ we're going to so..." Ellie came up behind me and started tugging on my t-shirt.

"What are you doing?" I shrieked as she started tying the back of it in a knot.

"Ashley, it's called showing a little stomach. You know, being _sexy_? Craig will be there, after all."

"Yeah, but I don't need to impress my boyfriend. But... what the hell. I dropped a few pounds these past few weeks, so might as well show it off. Do I really look okay?" I turned around to face Ellie and self-consciously touched my stomach and hips.

Ellie grinned and nodded eagerly. "You can _so_ tell you lost some weight. It's great."

I looked once more in the mirror at my outfit and nodded in approval. "Yeah, I look killer. So, what are you wearing to the party?"

"I don't know if I'm going to go..." Ellie's voice trailed off and she traced the design on my bed.

What is with her? Normally she would never pass up a party. It'd be another chance for her to make out with random boys, get drunk, and find ways to make Sean jealous. My best friend instincts kicked in and I took a seat next to her on my bed. "Is something wrong, Ellie?"

She wouldn't even look me in the eye. She just shrugged and laughed it off. "No! I'm just... I don't know. Who's all going to be there?"

"Ellie, _you're_ the one who told me about the party in the first place. I don't even know this guy. You _have_ to go."

"Oh, Seth's great. You and Craig will be fine."

"But who will Marco have when Craig and I go off to make out?" I joked.

That got another laugh out of her- this one more sincere. "Well..." I could tell she was debating whether or not to go.

"_Please?_ Pwease, Ellie Wellie?" I stuck out my bottom lip and got onto my knees to grovel at her feet. "You can't invite me to a party and then back out- what?- an _hour_ before we're leaving? That's so not in the best friend code of conduct."

"Have I seen this code of conduct?" Ellie teased. "Well, fine, but only because Marco will go all queen on me if I don't go. Anyway, someone has to find that boy a boyfriend."

"Someone has to find _you_ a boyfriend, Ellie! It's been forever!" I jabbed her lightly in the ribs and grabbed my makeup case from my floor. "Do my makeup?"

"If I must." She opened the makeup case and took out a stick of eyeliner. "Close your eyes. Who says I need a boyfriend? I can just have fun."

"Yeah, but I like you better with a boyfriend. You seem happier."

"I don't need a boy to make me happy, Ashley."

"I know! But then we can do fun stuff like double date."

"Have we ever double dated?"

"No, I don't think so. Craig would be too busy drooling all over you to pay attention to me."

**Ellie**

My hand froze in mid-air. "What?" I asked softly. Was she being serious? Did she know about Craig kissing me all that time ago? No way, she couldn't have found that out... unless Craig decided to turn over a new leaf and be honest for once. Oh God. If she knew she'd kill me. I didn't even do anything really and she'd kill me. She'd go after me just like she did with Manny. Poor Manny.

"Relax, I'm just kidding around. Well, actually I'm _not_ because my boyfriend seems totally enamored by you. But whatever, I have him. He's satisfied, I think."

"He's definitely satisfied. Open your eyes. Craig doesn't like me. We work on projects together, but only because we're always assigned as partners. That's it. We're friends."

"You don't have to convince me. I know you guys are friends. Why, is there something going on that I should know about?" she opened one eye and I jumped back.

"Don't _scare_ me like that. Do you know how creepy it is to have one eye staring at you?"

**Ashley**

I laughed and closed my eye again. "You're so jumpy lately. If I didn't know anybody I'd

think you were on speed or something. Anyways, why would you even think of not going out tonight?"

She sighed. "I don't know, okay? Let's drop it. I'm going, that's all that matters."

"We have to find you an outfit then. You can just borrow something of mine. Oooh! I know exactly what you can wear!" my mind ransacked my closet and I remembered this cute white skirt I had picked up a long time ago for no apparent reason. I've never even worn it. I don't know why I got it- it's not exactly my style. But it's cute.

"Oh really? And what can I wear?"

"This white skirt I have. Ellie, you'll look amazing in it."

"Okay, but only if I can wear your mom's amazing black boots... think she'll let me?"

"Ellie, she'd gladly give you the boots if you asked. My mom loves you. You're the only one who's crazy enough to put up with me, even at my worst." I laughed and looked in the mirror at my eyes. "Did it seriously take you all that time _just_ for eyeliner?"

"Eyeliner is a serious step in looking good. It's _the basic_ step."

"Could you pile a little more on?" I asked sarcastically.

"You can never have too much eyeliner."

"Well, how about some bright blue eyeshadow to complete the hooker look?"

She laughed. It feels really good to joke around with Ellie again. It's almost like old times. She applied my eyeshadow and added a little blush to my cheeks. "There. You look great. Put on some gloss and you're ready to go."

I inspected her work in the mirror and gave her a thumbs up in approval. "Okay, let me grab the boots and we'll get you ready."

"Um, where's the skirt? I'll put it on while you get the boots."

"I'll just get it when I get back. I have to find it first."

"Well, can't you just find it now and _then_ get the boots?" she kept shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

I gave her a weird look but opened my closet door anyway. "Um... okay..." I rummaged through the piles of clothes thrown everywhere and finally found the bag the skirt was in. "Here you go. Price tag still on it and still in the bag. I'll go get the boots."

**Ellie**

I watched as Ashley bounded out of the room and I quickly stripped off my own shoes

and skirt. Thank God she agreed to let me change while she got the shoes. Ugh. My legs felt so _heavy_. I tried to kick the skirt off of my feet, but ended up falling back on the bed. Great. I struggled to get myself back up to a standing position. There, the damn skirt was off. I tried to peel my socks off as fast as I could, but it ended up taking about five minutes.

"You're still not dressed? What've you been doing? Looking at how _amazing_ you look in the mirror?" Ashley teased me as she entered the room without even looking at me. She set the knee-high pointy boots on the floor next to the bed and went to messing with her hair in the mirror. I bit my lip and reached for the white skirt next to me. Did she have to be so _fast_? She glanced at me in the mirror and her mouth fell open. "Ellie! Are you even eating?"

"What?" I practically shouted. She had caught me off guard.

"You're way too skinny. I'm getting my mom..."

"Ashley! Are you crazy? I just got over the flu."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." I gave her my most honest expression.

She broke out into a smile and gave a sigh of relief. "Good. You were scaring me there for a second."

That's all I need. Ashley telling her mom that I'm not eating and I'm too skinny. There are certain rules in life. One, you can never have too much eyeliner. Two, you can never be too skinny. I'm sure there are a few more, but my mind's drawing a blank right now. It took me ten minutes, but I managed to finally get the skirt zipped up. It hung off of my hips.

"Do you have a belt I can wear with this?" I asked Ashley absent-mindedly. I didn't want her to think I _really, really_ needed a belt. I just have awesome fashion sense and think a belt would look great with the skirt.

"Yeah, pick one out." She gestured towards the closet door where an arrangement of belts hung. I picked a wide black belt and wrapped it around my hips, poking it through the very last hole. Hopefully that'll hold the skirt up. "Um, so what shirt should I wear?"

Ashley gave me a clueless look. "I don't know... Oh hey! You left your one shirt here- the black one?"

I gave her a look.

"You _know_. _The_ black one. Okay, whatever, you have a million black shirts. The see-through one?"

"Oh! I've been looking for that!" I was so relieved. Seriously, I thought that shirt was gone forever. She perused through her closet and handed me a hanger with the black shirt on it. I don't know what I'd do without this shirt.

"I'm going to go get the curling iron. BRB!" Ashley sprang out of the room.

I quickly started clawing at my shirt trying to get it off and the other one on before she came back in. Thank God. Just as I was pulling my black shirt down over my stomach, she came back in, curling iron in hand. I checked out myself in the mirror and smiled slightly. I love this shirt. I admired the way it showed off my shoulders. The horizontal black satin stripe across it covered up just enough.

"I'd kill to have shoulders like yours. They're so... _elegant_."

"My shoulders are elegant?" I responded dryly as I fussed with my hair in the mirror.

"Yeah, you know what I mean. Mine are so _round_."

"You look great, Ashley. Anyway, you're also round where it counts." I leaned forward to reapply my eyeliner.

Ashley looked down at her chest and laughed. "True, true. I thought this shirt showed me off quite nicely."

"Oh yes it does. Craig will be at attention all night with you in that shirt."

"Speaking of Craig... about that boyfriend we're going to find you tonight..."

"Thanks," I muttered sarcastically as the stupid girl next to me once again bumped into me. Girls like her give redheads like me a bad name. She flipped her bright red curls into my face, and I poured the remainder of my bottle down her back.

"Hey!" she squealed, turning around, but I was already making my way back to the bar to get another beer.

"Nice trick," a voice whispered in my ear.

I looked up at who the voice belonged to. He tossed his shaggy blonde bangs hair out of his eyes and shrugged innocently. "I couldn't help but notice you."

"Thanks," I started over towards the bar again. The guy followed me.

"You can call me Ryan."

"Okay, Ryan. You can call me Ellie."

"Ellie, I like it. You go to Freemont?"

I furrowed my eyebrows. Freemont? What the hell was Freemont? Oh yeah, Freemont High School... we're we really in Freemont? I shook my head and moved closer to him to let a group of drunk guys barrel past me. "Nope, Degrassi."

"_Oh_. Do you know someone here?"

"The host. Seth."

"Oh really? How do you know him?"

"I had to interview him for a co-op."

"Let me guess- the topic was 'Leaders of Tomorrow'?"

I laughed. "Yeah, how'd you know?"

Ryan rolled his eyes and lifted his beer in the air. "Well, Seth is student-council president, president of future business leaders of the future, he's also quite prominent in the National Honor Society, _and_ a million other clubs. How could that _not_ be the topic?"

I laughed again. "Yeah, you're right. He's cool, but he _really_ likes to talk about himself."

"Yeah, tell me about it. But- I guess I don't have much room to talk. I'm VP of Student-Council and Future Business Leaders of the Future and I'm also in the National Honor Society and the Investment Club."

"Oh, a hypocrite!" I teased, grabbing a beer out of the cooler.

"What can I say? I'm going to be rich!" Ryan took my beer and opened it for me. "There you go, sweetheart."

"Yeah, don't call me sweetheart, _muffin_."

"Oh, a spit fire! It's nice to actually have a girl around here who can joke around and not constantly be batting her eyelashes at me."

"Yeah, must be rough having all the girls all over you."

"Yeah, it gets annoying..." he grinned. How come I didn't notice before how irresistible his smile is? Damn... He leaned towards me. "You want to go somewhere?"

I looked around the room and spotted Ashley, Craig, and Marco talking to Seth. See, I knew they'd be fine without me. They hadn't even realized I'd been gone for ten minutes now. Ashley's the one who told me I need to get a boyfriend. And she offered me this slutty white skirt. And how many times do I get to show off her mom's amazing boots? I might as well make the most of this moment. "Yeah, let's so somewhere," I whispered into his ear teasingly.


	30. Upswing

**Chapter 30: Upswing**

**Craig**

"I'll call you tomorrow or something, kay?" the words practically floated out of that blonde dude's mouth. There's something off about him- maybe it's his smoothness or the fact that Ellie's grinning like an idiot because of him or maybe it's his floppy hair, but something is _off_. Or maybe I'm just being over-protective of the girl. I don't trust this guy, though.

Him and Ellie practically molested each other against my car before she finally tumbled into the backseat. Marco was already passed out in the back, and I knew it wouldn't take long before Ashley was gone, too. I looked over at my girlfriend in the passenger seat. Her head kept dropping down and then snapping back up. I give her five minutes.

Strangely enough, Ellie seemed pretty sober. Which gets me thinking, did she actually _choose_ to hook up with that guy? Seems sort of unlike her. I didn't thinks he had a thing for blondes like him. His surfer boy attitude really pisses me off. I don't even know the guy, and I'm already pissed off buy him. I heard him say, what, about ten words the entire night? I really need to start being more accepting.

"How was it?" I asked Ellie as I pulled onto the highway. I had drank only a few beers, I'd be fine.

Ellie leaned forward so her head was in between mine and Ashley's seat. As predicted, Ashley's head was now set against the window and her mouth was hanging open slightly. I have to say it- she looks pretty cute that way.

"It was good," she smirked at me in the rearview mirror. I rolled my eyes and she stuck her tongue out playfully. "Calm down, Craig. It's not like I'm marrying the kid tomorrow."

"Who knows with you sometimes... What's Sean going to think about this?"

"Sean? Why would Sean care. He's the one who broke up with me, remember?"

"Yeah, but..." How about I'm more than certain that he is still in love with you? And hadn't they been practically inseparable the last few days? I'm pretty certain of it.

"But nothing. Sean hooked up with Emma _and_ Darcy. Dan was my Emma, Ryan will be my Darcy."

"Ryan is his name? That's stupid..."

"Well, I think you're stupid," Ellie teased. "I really don't care what you say or think. He's quite the flatterer."

"Who, Ryan? Exactly! He's flattering you so he can get you in bed and then he'll drop you. That's what guys like him do."

"Oh, do you mean guys like him and... _you_? Or have you forgotten about Manny?"

I shook my head in annoyance. "Will you _ever_ let that go? It's not like I cheated on you!"

"Yeah, but my best friend. Close enough. What can I say, Craig? I'm loyal."

"But haven't you been talking to Manny lately? You ate lunch with her and Emma last week."

She laughed huskily. "I never said I blamed Manny for what happened. Only you, really."

"That's fair."

I turned up the CD player to signify that the conversation was over. If I had known we would end up rehashing the whole love triangle thing, I never would have said a word to her. Seriously, can't anyone forget about that incident for five seconds? It seemed like ages ago that Manny and I had hooked up in my garage and Ashley had slapped me on the stage. I felt pressure on my shoulder and looked to see Ellie's finger tapping it. I turned the volume knob down and leaned my head back, keeping my eyes on the road. "What?"

"We need to start practicing for the show again. It's in a few weeks."

"Relax. We still have three weeks before the show and Christmas break. As far as I'm concerned, we could do it tomorrow morning and it'd be perfect."

"Craig! We _need_ to practice. I am not embarrassing myself in front of anyone."

"Ellie, your voice is amazing. It's perfect. It's phenomenal. You don't have a thing to worry about."

She shut up and sat back in her seat. Fifteen minutes later, I looked back at her in the rearview mirror and saw her head on Marco's shoulder. She was asleep.

I don't care what she says about Ryan. I don't care if he was just a one-night stand or if he's going to be a little fling that will last a week. I'm telling, no, _warning_ Sean about him. I mean, this guy is smooth. _Real_ smooth. And by the looks of Ellie lately, I'm not sure if some smooth operator is what she needs right now in her life.

**Ellie**

"Dan! Don't worry. I haven't even gone out on a date with him yet. I told you, we just hooked up at a party. There's nothing for you to worry about."

I smiled as Dan gave me advice on how to handle different situations that might occur with Ryan. It's pretty cute how protective he's being. Dan's protectiveness is cute, Craig's is just annoying. I've already received a call from Sean earlier this morning. There's no doubt that Craig told him all about Ryan and me. Sean kept pressing me for details on the party and he kept saying "I should have gone" or "I'll come to the next one". He knows. And Craig so told him. Loser.

"Okay, well, I'm going to go out and buy a can of Mace down..." I joked into my cell phone. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll talk to you later. Toodles!"

Wow. I just said "toodles"? Someone kill me now. This whole situation with Ryan- the situation that consists of only a hook-up and a phone call, so far- has got me smiling. Really. He says the sweetest things to me. Ashley said I needed a new boyfriend, and, you know what? As much as it kills me to say this, she was right and I was wrong. I have a feeling that Ryan is going to be very positive in my life.

He called me earlier this afternoon asking me how I was and if I slept good. I was fine (still am!) And I slept _well_. He laughed at my grammar correction and told me how he woke up this morning in a tub. He didn't even remember how he ended up in there, but it had been his makeshift bed for the night apparently. Just imagining him asleep in a tub made me smile. What is wrong with me? Since when did I become Miss Sunshine? Seriously, I can't stop smiling. It almost hurts.

I stretched my arms above my head and swung me feet to the floor. Who knows, maybe I'll take a walk downtown. I could check out some vintage and antique shops and maybe pick my dad up some of those caramels that he loves. It'd be a sweet little surprise for him if I took it to his office. He's been doing extra work in the office all day.

I grabbed a zip-up from my closet and hummed a little song I had made up years ago as I bounded down the stairs. Maybe this is the start of a whole new life for me- drug free and a new romance. Who knows- maybe Ryan is even "the one". I laughed to myself at my own stupidity for even thinking that.

"Ellie?" My mom walked out of the kitchen, glasses in hand. She only wears those glasses when she's working on a project. "Are you humming?"

"Yeah," I replied nonchalantly- as if it wasn't unusual for me to be humming although, just a few days ago, I was slamming doors and losing my temper at everything. Hey, being drug free will do that to you.

"Um, okay. Are you going somewhere?"

I started pulling my zip-up on. "I think I'm going to take a walk downtown. Do a little shopping. Daddy's working all day, right?"

"Yeah, he said he wouldn't be finished until around 7. He wants to take you out for dinner."

Her tone was a little wistful. She almost sounded like she wished dad was taking _her_ out to eat. I don't blame her. She's been lonely around here, I think. I'm really surprised- I don't think she's touched a drop of alcohol. It's alarming... and strange. Maybe... maybe I could ask dad if she could come along, too. You know, _just_ as a family dinner- nothing romantic at all. A smile creeped over my face (again) and I gave my mom a kiss on the cheek before walking out of the door.

I quickly dialed a number on my cell phone. It rang. "Sean?" I blurted as soon as he picked up.

"Yep?" he yawned.

"Were you _sleeping_?"

"No," he replied quickly.

"Liar. Listen, I have an _incredible_ idea!" I gripped my phone tighter and waited for Sean to take the bait.

He didn't say anything.

"Sean?"

"Okay, okay. I'll give in. What is your incredible idea?" he sounded amused.

"Oh, just that I'm going to get my parents back together. How brilliant is that?"

"And how are you going to do this?"

"I don't know exactly, but I'll think of something. My dad's taking me out to dinner tonight. I'm going to convince my mom to come along. I don't think she'll take much convincing."

"You're too much. What are you doing right now?"

"Walking."

"Um... walking where?" Sean laughed.

"Downtown. I'm just going to do some window shopping or something."

"Would you like some company?"

"Of course! Meet me at the Dot."

I got off the phone with Sean and stuffed it back in my purse. So, today has gone extremely well, so far. I talked to both Ryan _and_ Dan, I came up with a genius idea to get my parents back together, and I get to see Sean. What more can a girl ask for?

**Sean**

"What's up?" I jogged up to Ellie, hands in my pockets. Her hair whipped around in her

face as she turned to look at me. I watched as she lifted a hand to put it back behind her ear.

"I want to go to the candy store. I'm going to get my dad some caramels."

"Why?" Why was she getting her dad stuff when he's been nothing but horrible to her? Oh yeah, they _bonded_ the other day in the car. I don't know. Should she really forgive him for everything just because he remembered one little incident from her childhood? Does that really make up for a lifetime of abandoning her to go overseas and work? Maybe I'm being bitter because of my own lack of parent figures in my life.

"He loves these caramels. He's been working all day..."

Surprise, surprise. He even works on Saturdays. He's so _amazing_...

"...and I just want to stop buy and give him a little something. You know, just something nice."

"Your good deed for the day?"

"Yeah."

Ellie turned to look at me and smiled. I couldn't resist smiling back at her. She's so contagious.

"So, what are you doing the rest of the day?"

I watched as she swung her arms side to side. I always notice that when she's walking. I can't describe it any other way than cute. I shrugged and looked inside a window of a shop. "I don't know. Nothing."

"You should come to dinner with me and my family."

Yeah, right. Did she actually believe I'd waste my Saturday night hanging out with her parents? "Sure."

Did I really just agree to it? I really need to start attaching my mouth to my brain. Ellie nudged me with her shoulder affectionately and crossed her arms tightly across her chest. "Great. I'll tell my dad to make a reservation for four. We're going to The Orange Grille."

Do I look like I know what the hell that is? "Uh, okay."

"You'll like it. Wide variety. Oh! Look at that coat!"

I followed her finger to a charcoal-blue blazer hanging in a window. "Uh, cute?"

"Definitely. I think it's corduroy. It's perfect. I'm going to get it."

I followed her in the store and watched as she got the coat down, tried it on, and paid for it. Simple as that. No looking at the price, no mulling over whether or not she really needed it... just get it down and pay for it. Must be nice. Anyways, I really need to stop complaining about how she can pay for whatever she wants. It's getting old. It's not her fault her parents are rich.

"What are you thinking?"

I shook my head and looked at her. What was I supposed to say? Sorry, I was thinking about how spoiled you are? No, I don't think so. That'd be the perfect way to start an argument between us.

"About that guy you met," I blurted out. Smooth, Sean. That's the perfect thing to say to her. Now you're some weirdo who's obsessed with the fact that she met a guy.

"Oh, please... We, like, talked. That's it. You don't have to worry about anything," she mused.

"What would I be worried about?" I shot back defensively. "I don't care if you met a guy."

"Don't get your britches in a bunch."

She knows I hate that. My _mom_ used to always say that to me when I'd get upset. All the time. It's the most irritating thing I've ever heard in my life. Seriously, I drop a cup of milk. "_Don't get your britches in a bunch!"_ I get a bad grade on a test. _"Don't get your britches in a bunch!" _I had to go clean my room. _"Don't get your britches in a bunch!"_. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.

"Cute, Nash. _Real_ _cute_..."

* * *

I took a seat inside Mr. Nash's office and watched as him and Ellie hugged each other. Then she proceeded to take the box of caramels from behind her back and shove them in her dad's hands with a sweet smile. Does he even _deserve_ this? As anyone could probably tell, I don't really have the best impression of Ellie's dad. That whole dinner with him, Ellie, and Marco really made a lasting impression on me. And then the fact that he basically knows nothing about his daughter- as evident from the auction- is so pathetic. I basically put him on the same level as a cockroach.

"Daddy, Sean's coming to dinner with us. And I think mom should, too. You know, a nice family dinner."

"It's not a family dinner if Sean's there," her dad laughed. Yeah, he meant that to sound like a joke, but I know he really doesn't want me there. He knows I'll stand up for Ellie if he tries anything.

"Dad!" Ellie laughed along with him and rolled her eyes. "Please ask mom? She seemed really down this morning..."

"Since when are you so concerned about your mom? I thought you were angry with her?" Mr. Nash sat back down in his chair and rocked it back and forth, his hands folded in his lap.

Ellie shrugged and ran a finger across her dad's desk. "That was ages ago. We had a fight. We've made up since then."

"Oh really?"

"Sure!"

"Uh-huh..." he sounded cynical. Not that I blame him. Ellie doesn't always have the best view of her mother.

"Okay, I'll give her a call. But I have to finish this before I can go, so... I'll pick you guys up around 7:30?"

"Sure. Is that okay, Sean?"

"Yeah, it's fine." I stood up and straightened my hoodie.

Mr. Nash gave me one last look. "Uh, Sean... try and wear something a little more..."

"Yeah, I get it," I shot back harshly.

**Ellie**

"I'm still mad at you for being so rude to my dad earlier," I huffed. Sean let out a sigh and

threw himself face down on my bed. I picked a magazine off the floor and rolled it up, hitting him in the butt with it. "Haven't you ever heard of the saying 'respect your elders'?"

He snorted and turned over, "Like you're one to talk! Whatever happened to 'my mom's such a witch!' and 'my dad doesn't deserve anything from me'? I wish you'd just make up your mind."

"Oh, that's nice. Take advantage of the fact that I'm in a horrible situation at the moment."

"It's what I do."

I glared at him as I pulled a comb through my hair. "Not that I really _care_ or anything, but, just out of curiosity, where did you get that shirt?" I pointed at the dark grey oxford he was wearing with my comb.

"I've had it for years," Sean nonchalantly.

"Uh huh..." I started applying more eyeliner around my eyes. "The truth?"

"It's Joey's. Craig brought it over after he heard of my predicament."

"You just used the word 'predicament'."

"Yeah, I did."

"I'm so proud. You've definitely earned dessert tonight."

Sean raised an eyebrow. "And by dessert do we mean _actual _dessert or... something else...?" he let his voice trail off suggestively.

I snorted- rather unattractively, I might add. "_Please_. Don't make me laugh. I'm over that. I don't think we can be friends with benefits. Especially after what happened the last time you tried something."

"You were into it. Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I'm serious. Anyway, I might be starting something up with this Ryan guy, so... being with both of you at the same time would be considered cheating. You know how much I hate cheating." I admired my handiwork in the mirror.

Okay, what am I going to wear?" I changed the topic and walked over to my closet. I picked out a pair of tight black pants, a black tank top, and a deep red satin corset to wear over it.

"I'll never get why you girls wear bras on top of your normal clothes."

"Sean, you don't get a lot of things," I joked as I pulled out a pair of arm warmers.

Sean came over and took them from me. "Why hide, El? Your parents know... everyone knows."

I snatched them back, embarrassed that he'd even bring it up. "Not everyone."

"Don't hide who you are."

"I'm not hiding who I am. I'm hiding what I'm ashamed of." I pulled the arm warmers on before he could protest anymore.

"I'm sorry," Sean said sheepishly, a few minutes later. "Sometimes I forget that you may not be ready."

"It's okay, Sean... I'll meet you downstairs?" I nodded my head towards the door and held up my clothes, signifying I wanted to change... _alone_.

"Oh! Yeah, of course." Sean blushed and hurried out of the room, leaving me alone.

* * *

"Darry, good to see you!" My dad chuckled and grabbed Darry White's hand in a firm handshake. Darry White owns the Grille.

"Christian, glad to see you're back. You staying for awhile?"

"For good if I can do anything about it!"

Darry wished us a good meal and left the table. The table fell silent. My mom sighed quietly and wiggled in her seat, Sean cleared his throat and drummed the table with his fingers, and my dad kept opening and closing his mouth. So far, this isn't going how I thought it would. But I still have time. Before this night is over, my parents are going to be back together.

"So, mom, did you tell daddy about your new client?" I placed my chin in my hand and batted my eyes innocently.

My mom took a sip of her water and let out a little peal of laughter. "Oh, Christian, you wouldn't believe the new lady I'm decorating for. She's a kook! First of all, she only wants to decorate in lime green and bright orange... Second, she'd prefer to only have-..."

My eyes lit up as my dad listened intently to everything my mom was saying. He really does love her. They were both laughing like everything was back to the way it was before. Like they had never fought and my dad had never moved out. I shared a secret glance with Sean. I'll show him my idea isn't so crazy. Sean shot me a surprised look and shrugged.

"See?" I whispered to him. "It'll only be a matter of time before my mom and dad are happy again."

"I guess you're right, El."

"I'm always right!" I smirked and sat back in my chair satisfied. Not many people can single handedly save their parent's marriage. It usually takes a huge effort and lots of time. But not for me. For me, all I have to do is get them together in a room, and everything is just smooth sailing from there. I'm not trying to brag or anything, but, damn, I'm good.

"I have to hand it to you- you did great tonight," Sean murmured sleepily as he fell back onto my bed.

"Scooch. You don't have to tell me. I already know I pulled a genius move tonight. You sleeping over?" I pulled a foot up onto the bed and started unzipping my boots... er... Ms. Kerwin's boots...

"If you don't mind. I'm kind of dead tired." Sean yawned to prove his point and rolled over onto his side. "Good night."

"Good night," I repeated, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

He smiled lazily and opened an eye. "Don't pull anything in my sleep, promise?"

"Scout's honor!" I held up two fingers and looked towards the ceiling. Sean laughed huskily and closed his eyes again.

Maybe it was the fact that Sean and I were friends again, or that Ashley and I are spending more time together, or that my parents actually held a conversation today without yelling at each other, but I was feeling incredibly sentimental tonight. Instead of sleeping, like any normal person, I stayed up the entire night looking at old family pictures: ones of me when I was a baby, my parents when they were teenagers, a few from when we lived in Montreal, photos taken while vacationing in Europe... It's nice to know that what I once had can still be achieved. I might have to work a little harder on keeping everyone happy, but my life is definitely looking up these days. I'm thinking it might last.

**Yeah, that's the new chapter. Once again, not to many POVs. Next chapter look for perhaps a Paige pov, Marco, and , um, who knows what else. Maybe Jay? Also, Ellie and Ryan on a date, Craig and Ellie practicing, and Ellie's on a mission to find Marco a date.**


	31. This Too Shall Pass

**Chapter 31: This Too Shall Pass**

**Paige**

Ah, another glorious week at school. God, I hate Mondays. I don't know what it is- oh wait, yes I do. It's waking up early. Not to mention that I have to see fashion disasters such as Heather or Alex or... speak of the devil... Ellie.

"Wow, Ellie... that's a good shade of black on you," I smiled sweetly but my tone was acid.

"Aw, thanks, Pudge... I mean, Paige. I was feeling festive today," she gave a little shoulder shrug and smiled brightly.

Did she seriously just call me Pudge? Of all the low down, dirty things she could have said... She is so getting it! "So, how's it feel to know that Sean is moving on without you?" I smirked as I followed close behind her.

Ellie tossed her hair and gave me a haughty look. "Do you really think I believe you?"

"Hey, I'm just telling it how it is. Or how I saw it. You know- Sean and... and... Chantay," I named the first girl that came to mind. Thank God that Chantay happened to pass by at that moment.

Ellie rolled her eyes and put a consoling hand on my wrist. "You can stop lying now, Paige. Sean can't stand her. You don't have to make up some ridiculous lies. Kay?"

"Kay!" I mocked her upbeat tone. She is so irritating. My eyes gleamed when I saw Marco enter through the front doors. "Oh, Marco!" I lifted my arm in a wave.

Marco waved back, "Hey Paige! Hey El!"

"He said hi to me first!" I commented gleefully. Ellie whipped her head to glare at me. And then... it was on.

We both started walking towards Marco, slowly at first, but soon we were running full speed. I can't believe I'm actually _running_ in school. How embarrassing. But if it meant I reached Marco first and pissed Ellie off, it was so worth it. We both reached him at the same time and we had to grab onto him to balance ourselves.

"Marco!" we screeched at the same time.

Marco squinted and backed away slowly. "I'm getting scared... What's with you two?"

I pushed Ellie away. "Ellie was just leaving."

"Actually," Ellie knocked me aside with her hip. That bony thing _hurt_. "Paige was just saying she had to go meet Spinner."

"_Hon_! You _know_ I have to speak to Marco... _privately_."

Marco gave me a confused look. "About what?"

"About-..." Damn. I really need to start coming up with excuses before hand. This is starting to get hard. I'm really losing my touch.

Ellie sidled up to Marco and slipped her hand through his delicately, their cheeks touching. Was she seriously _daring_ to give me that little pouty look? The one that, I admit grudgingly, only she can pull off? Marco smiled at her touch, ignoring me completely and turning to look at her. Whatever. She won this time, but I'm coming back with a vengeance.

**Marco**

"What's up?" I asked Ellie as Paige walked away. She was acting _so weird_.

Ellie kissed me on the cheek softly, "Good morning."

"Good morning to you, too. Someone had a good weekend."

"Yeah, I did. _Really_ good."

"Good."

"Good."

"Good."

We laughed at our stupidity, and Ellie shoved me playfully. "My parents are getting back together!"

I lifted an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah!"

I pulled her into a hug. "That's great! Is your dad moving back in today?"

She pulled away and looked up at me. "Well, he's not moving in... _yet_. But soon he will be!"

"Oh, I get it," I gave her a smirk. "You're _planning_ to get them back together."

"Marco, you really have no confidence in me. They will be together very soon. Trust me."

"That's where you're mistaken, El. I have all the confidence in the world in you. And I always trust you."

"Aw, such a sweetie. You know, Marco, _you_ should really start looking around for a new-..."

"I don't want to hear it, Nash. Seriously, I'm not interested." I made a point of letting out a big sigh- anything to get it through her head that I'm not looking for another boy. I'm still trying to fully get over the old one. Just the thought of Dylan made my stomach hurt- and not in a good way.

Ellie grabbed my upper arm and made me stop and look at her. "Marco," she started softly, so no one in the busy hallway could hear us. "You deserve to be happy."

I laughed. "And I _am_ happy. _I_ don't need a guy to make me happy. Ellie, seriously, I'm fine."

She pursed her lips and gave me a look that clearly said she didn't believe me. Whatever, though. She'll get it through her head one of these days that I'm perfectly fine being single at the moment. I've had time for things that I haven't had time for in a long time- like _her_. So why is she trying to mess that up?

**Ellie**

I can't believe Marco doesn't want a new boyfriend. He's always whining about how much Dylan hurt him and how he needs to get over him. I'm handing him the perfect opportunity and he won't even take it. "Boys..." I muttered to no one in particular.

"I hear ya!"

I turned around and saw Manny and Emma leaning against the lockers next to mine. Manny, the one who had spoken, was leaning against Marco's locker to be specific.

"What's up guys?" I closed my locker door and threw my notebooks into my bag.

Manny adjusted the sunglasses on top of head and shrugged. "JT is acting all crazy. I think he has a thing for Darcy."

"Wait- _your_ JT?"

"No, not my JT anymore. We decided that we'd be better friends."

"That's crazy!" I blurted out.

Emma popped her head foreward. "_Exactly_ what I said. Manny and JT are _perfect_ for each other!"

Manny dropped her head, embarrassed. "Listen, we decided to just be friends, see how it works out. If we miss each other, we'll get back together. If we don't, we'll stay just friends. It's simple. Like _you guys_ should be talking!" she exclaimed to both Emma and I.

I folded my arms and turned towards Emma. "How are things coming with Chris?"

"They're not," Emma groaned. "I don't know. Maybe he's not who I thought he was."

I nodded sympathetically. "That's how guys are sometimes."

"Speaking of which, what's going on with Sean and you? Anything happening there?" Manny shook her hair out of her face and leaned in closer to me.

I laughed, "_No_, we're friends. That's it. Anyway, I have a new guy."

"A new guy," Emma frowned.

"Yeah, Ryan. He's great. You two will like him."

Manny gazed down the hallway and pushed herself away from the wall. "Well, see if he has any friends. Degrassi is getting lame on the guy front. I'll see you guys around."

I watched as she walked off and started talking with Toby. Emma watched me. "What?" I asked when Emma didn't take her eyes off of me.

She blushed and shook her head, looking away. "Nothing, just... You and Sean are just friends?"

"Yes! Why is that so remarkable to everyone? Can't exes be friends these days?"

"It's not _that_. It's just... you know what, never mind. You're right."

"I always am. So, listen... speaking of guys... Do you know any guy who's looking for a _boyfriend_?"

**Paige**

"Ugh, I look like death!" I exclaimed to myself as I looked in the bathroom mirror. The door opened and Ellie Nash walked in. "Speaking of death..."

"I don't have time for this. I can't believe I'm asking _you_ of all people, but I need help."

I snapped my compact case shut and turned to her. "I _knew_ you needed something... What is it?"

"I need a boy-..."

"Oh, Ellie... I'm sorry Sean dumped you and all, but I'm _not_ putting another boy through the torture of being with you-..."

"Shut up! It isn't for me. It's for Marco."

My jaw dropped, and I placed my hands on my hips. "Marco and _Dylan_ belong together. Dylan will come around." I mean, come on, I have to stick up for my brother.

Ellie wasn't amused or convinced. "Dylan is a dick. I don't like him. Never have, so-..."

I laughed. It all makes sense now. "Oh, now I get it. You don't like Dylan because he took Marco away from you... You're jealous. Still."

She didn't appreciate my look of pity. "Look, Paige, I'm not hear to argue. You're right- I don't like Dylan because he took Marco away. There, I said it. You're _right_. Now are you going to help me or not?"

* * *

"Him. He's definitely gay."

Ellie gave me a critical look. "Are you sure? He never struck me as being gay."

"Oh, he is."

Ellie smiled and shrugged a shoulder. "He's so perfect for Marco. Dark hair, dark eyes... the opposite of Dylan. And he doesn't strike me as the person who will, uh, how can I put this lightly? _Molest_ you."

I whipped my head around and grabbed her shoulder roughly. "_What_ did you just say about Dylan?"

"Dylan was creepy. I'm sorry, but if I ever hear him say 'guilty as charged!' one more time, I think I'll call the cops on him..."

"Take that back!"

"Okay, okay, okay... I was just joking. Have a sense of humor, Paige."

I inched further away from her. "Oh, that's funny. _You _telling _me_ to have a sense of humor. I'm still pissed at you..." My eyes sparkled. "Oh wait, what about _him_? Yum!"

"Who? Tyler! He's gay? Are you sure?"

"Ellie, I _know_ Tyler. He's on the squad with me. He's gay. Oh, and look at all those rippling muscles. Yummy!"

Ellie lifted a corner of her mouth. "Yeah, he's quite built. He, uh, really knows how to throw the girls around, you know? In your stunts?"

"Ellie Nash knows the word 'stunt'? Wow, where can we sign you up for the tryouts?"

She stood up quickly and brushed off her skirt. "Yeah, well, the squad back at Rookwood was pretty good. You know, they went to actual competitions and did more than a somersault for their routines. Then again, can I really expect anything else from you? You're all about looking cute and not doing any work... I'm going to go talk to Tyler."

She is really a nasty bitch at heart. I know Ellie's always been bitter towards me, and we thrive on pissing each other off, but lately she's been out of control. Lately the things she's said really hurt. Not that I'd ever admit it to anyone.

I watched with an amused smile as she went up to Tyler. Poor thing. She won't know what hit her. I watched as she gave Tyler a small smile and spoke to him in a hushed tone. I wonder what she's saying? Suddenly Tyler backed away angrily and pointed a finger in her face. Wow, I didn't think anyone's face could get that red. Ellie grew pale and stalked towards me, hands clenched into fists.

"You _bitch_!" she hissed.

"He's not gay?" I asked softly as I watched her retreated figure. Who knew? A smirk crept across my face and I tucked a strand of blonde hair behind my ear. Oh well. Ellie can play Cupid by herself. Did she honestly think I'd ever help her do anything? I've tried helping her once and she never even appreciated it.

**Ellie**

"It's freezing!" I whispered to Sean on the bus. The wrestling team was on its way to a gym across town. It had more weights and room for them to practice in. The volleyball was still using the gym anyways- their final tournament was coming up.

He took off his team jacket and placed it over my shoulders. "There. Better?"

"Thanks," I smiled sincerely and held the coat closer to me. "So, uh, I just get to watch you guys practice?"

"Coach wants to go over a few things with you. Unless you want to wrestle with us... You're not going to back out, are you?"

I gazed out the window and the buildings zipping by. "Nah."

"Good, the guys really like the idea of having a girl managing."

"I bet they do."

"If any of them give you trouble you'll tell me, won't you?"

I looked upwards and shook my head. "You really can't stand _not_ worrying about me, can you?"

Sean flashed me an easy smile and crossed his arms. "Well, you give me reasons to worry about you."

"Aw, shanks," I let out in the little voice Sean and I used to use on each other when we were acting weird.

Sean chuckled and put his headphones back on. He really is a great guy. Kind of like Marco. So, shouldn't Sean be happy, too? Really, I just want him happy. I don't know- maybe it's the fact that Christmas is coming up, and I'm feeling extremely-festive overly early, but lately all I can think about is helping everyone else be happy. Seriously, it's completely taken over my thoughts. If I'm looking for a boy for Marco, I might as well search for a girl that Sean could date. Then we could all just go on triple-dates together and everything will be good. Wow, a new positive and optimistic Ellie is slowly surfacing... It's almost enough to make anyone sick.

**Sean**

I squirted the remains of my water bottle onto my face. Ugh. I forgot how hard and tiring wrestling can be. But worth it. At least I'm not wasting my time having all-night parties and making out with random girls or something as _horrible_ as that. I'm so glad I decided to become a more responsible and goal-oriented person. Yeah... right...

"Tired?"

I opened my eyes and glanced over at Ellie. She was still wearing my wrestling jacket and looked pretty... okay... I figured she'd be bored out of her mind right and running down the streets screaming. I never struck her as the type of girl to appreciate wrestling.

I gave a half-hearted shrug. "Kind of," I admitted with a tired smile.

She gave me a sympathetic look. "I'd slap your butt or knock heads with you or something just as jock-like, but, uh, you're sweaty and I'm not. And I don't want to be."

"Oh really?" I lifted an eyebrow, signaling my next move. I threw down the water bottle and reached out to give her a big, sweaty hug, but she squealed and ran away from me. I followed her laughing. "I give up. I won't do it."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Aw, tough man is making promises. Sean, get your ass back out on the mat and stop flirting," Coach drawled, jotting a few things down on his clipboard.

I blushed and shrugged at Ellie before jogging back to the mat. I wasn't _flirting_. I was being nice. That's what friends do- be nice to each other. I'm just thankful that Ellie is considering being my friend. Especially after how I broke things off with her...

It seems so long ago that we ended things, er, _I_ ended things. God, I almost can't believe I was that insensitive- telling Ellie I wanted to take a break right after a pregnancy scare. And to think, she might have actually wanted a baby. Now that's scary. I suppose all guys are afraid of that kind of commitment, though. We just don't want to tell one girl that we'll be with them forever.

Looking back, maybe it's a good thing I ended things. Ellie's clearly not ready for a relationship, herself, after everything she's been through. Her dad's finally back from the war, her parents are separating, she's been doing drugs this entire time... God, I can't stand thinking of her doing drugs. That's so _not_ like her. _Do I even know who she really is?_ There are so many things I feel that she's keeping from me. Especially about her past.

"Dude, are we gonna wrestle or what?"

My head jerked up, and I saw Devon Gray in ready position in front of me. Great. I lifted my shoulders in a careless shrug and got in position myself. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ellie sit down with a clipboard. Is she watching me? I checked again to make sure. Yeah, she's watching me.

"Let's go," I growled to Devon before lunging for him. The entire time I was wrestling him, I was thinking _"She's watching me. She's watching me. She's watching me..."_ I pinned him. And won.

* * *

"That was fun.

I grinned at her, "Really?"

"Yeah. It's nice to not think about anything serious for once in my life. To not think about the same old shit... You know?"

"Yeah, I think I do. That's how I feel when I wrestle."

"You were great. You took Devon down in, like, five seconds flat."

"Well, you know... when you're wrestling a guy like _him_..." my voice trailed off.

Ellie tugged on my shirt sleeve. "A guy like him? What does that mean?"

"You know... a 'Marco'."

"A _'Marco'_! Is that supposed to be some sort of joke?"

"Well, he's gay. Just like Marco," I explained simply.

Ellie snorted and pulled the coat closer to her body. We were walking back from school where the bus had dropped us off. Leaves skipped around our feet and it was already starting to get dark.

Ellie stopped in her tracks and looked deeply in my eyes. "You know, Marco is more than just some gay boy. He's my best friend-..."

"Yeah, El. _I know_," I interrupted, annoyed that she, once again, had to bring up the fact that Marco is her best friend. Not me. "You tell me all the time."

"Stop being like this," she put her hands on my shoulders and looked at me even deeper. "I just think you shouldn't group him as just someone who's gay. He's so much more than that- he's funny and caring and smart and... everything. So, just... just don't make him out to be some gay symbol. For me?"

"How can you even stand to be around him after what he did to you? He led you on and then he used you." I admit it, I was provoking her. I wanted her to be angry with Marco. Then she'd come to me all the time, instead of him. She'd tell _me_ everything.

"Don't do that. _Please_..." her head ducked down and I saw that her face had grown paler.

"What?" I asked softly.

She looked up and her eyes were shining. Is she serious? Was she actually going to start crying over him?A ball of guilt started growing in the pit of my stomach. Seriously, why did I have to bring that up? And why does she have to still feel so hurt about it? I feel like shit now.

"Don't bring that up. You have no idea what it's like to love someone _so much_- to give yourself up for them, do _anything_ for them- and then they just... they just... they don't love you back. It's excruciating. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Not even my worst enemy."

"Sorry." And I meant it. I just wanted her to remember that Marco isn't some perfect guy. He's capable of bad, too. Just like any other guy in this world. We reached the point to where our paths split off. "You want to come over?"

"My mom's working late at the office..."

"And you shouldn't be alone tonight."

"Why tonight?"

"Why not?"

**Ellie**

I curled my legs underneath me on Sean's couch with a hot mug of cocoa warming my hands up. "So Devon's gay?"

"Yeah. Can't you tell?"

"Sorry, Sean. I don't have a 'gay-dar'..." I remarked sarcastically.

A freshly-showered Sean pulled a t-shirt over his gleaming chest. My mouth dried up staring at the way his abs quivered. I looked to the side and gulped down a few drinks of the cocoa. My mouth burned insanely, but I didn't let on.

"He is. He broke up with his boyfriend like a month ago."

"I had no idea..." I murmured. I could just see my eyes lighting up. Can I help it, though? This is just perfect. Marco and Devon. Their names even sound good together. And they both just broke up with significant others. Too perfect for words. "Marco Gray. Devon Del Rossi... Oooh!"

Sean gave me a crazy look and shook his head in disgust. "You're getting to be too much. First your parents, now _Marco_? Who's next, me?"

I lifted an eyebrow and gave him a sweet smile. "How did you guess?"

"Oh no! No way! I am _not_ letting you set me up with some girl."

"Why not?" I pouted. "I have _the _perfect girl in mind!" And I really do. Nikki Waters. She's in my art class, and she's pretty funny. I think Sean and her would get along great.

"Who?" he looked a little interested.

"Nikki Waters, she's in my art class."

"What's she look like?"

"I can't believe you. You're so shallow." I set my mug down and crossed my arms with a heavy sigh. "Fine, since you must know what she looks like. She has really, really blonde hair."

"Eyes?"

"Blue."

"Straight, wavy, curly?"

"Huh?"

"Her hair. Is it straight, wavy, or curly?"

"Are you serious? It's wavy!" I untucked my legs and crossed one over the other. "And she's funny and intelligent and creative."

"Who cares about _that_?" Sean joked. I didn't appreciate it.

"Har har. The best part is that we get along. We could double date-. Triple date, actually. With Marco and Devon."

Sean collapsed next to me and leaned his head against my shoulder. "Are you serious?"

"Dead serious."

"You amaze me, Nash. Sometimes I have no idea what's going on in that head of yours..."

"Eh, I'm always cooking something up... So, what do you think?"

"I'm not going out with Marco and his boyfriend. Or you and your_ boyfriend_... Whatever that dude's name is- Ron? Rod?"

"Ryan."

"Ryan. What kind of name is that anyway?"

"Um, a fairly normal name," I rolled my eyes.

Sean smiled at me. "Do you think you could go a full five minutes without rolling your eyes?"

I rolled my eyes at his commnet. I guess his point was just proven

He laughed and dug his nose into my shoulder. "Don't think I'm weird, but your deodorant smells good."

"You are _so_ weird!" I laughed and ruffled his hair.

"You should just stay the night. It looks like it's going to rain... I don't want you walking home in the rain."

I looked outside at the clear sky. It was dusk and the stars were already starting to come out. No clouds were in sight. It was not going to rain. "You're right. It looks threatening out there. I should definitely stay."

We shared a smile.

**Ryan**

I tossed my blonde bangs out of my face and knocked on the large wooden door in front of me. I love rich girls. They're so full of angst and money and always willing to cause trouble. You know, to get daddy's attention. The door opened, and Ellie slipped out to meet me. She looked gorgeous- short denim skirt, fishnets, leather boots, and a tight leather tank-top thingy. Wow.

"Hey," she breathed. She tugged at her grey arm warmers before slipping a corduroy jacket on.

"Killer coat," I complimented.

"Thanks. I just got it."

She slipped her hand into mine and squeezed. I raised my eyes at her forewardness. I've never had this before. She was practically throwing herself at me. I laughed inwardly- but I guess we got over the whole awkward stage. We did screw the first moment we saw each other. I checked out her legs. Yeah, I remember those.

"Where do you want to go?" I opened the car door for her and noticed the smile that broke across her face when I did it. It gets them every time...

"I don't know. I don't care."

"We can go out to eat-..."

"No," she responded quickly. "I just ate."

"Oh, okay. Yeah, me too. But you know guys- we can eat constantly. Um, we could go to the movies or I know a party or-..."

"Let's do something like... I don' t know. _Different_."

"Different?" I repeated. I racked my head for ideas. All I could think of was like a movie or a party. That's not exactly different. I started driving and looked around, looking for something that could spark an idea or someplace we could go. All I could see were restaurants, a theatre, a roller-skating rink, miniature golf, the mall-...

"Oh!" Ellie tapped me on the shoulder and started pointing.

"What?"

"I've never been roller-skating. Let's go to the rink."

"Are you serious?" The idea of gliding along on classic four wheel skates was sort of... nice. I hadn't done that in awhile. Not since I was about seven. "Why not?" I whipped the car into the entrance and pulled into a parking space. There were about fifteen other cars there. "Looks crowded."

"Is this crowded? I don't know."

"Are you serious that you've never been roller skating before?" I don't believe her. Who hasn't been roller-skating?

Ellie wrinkled her nose and shook her head. "Nope. Not 'refined' enough or something... I don't know."

"That's cute. Refined. Well, you are looking at the roller skating champ."

"Seriously?"

"No, but I used to have a pretty good backwards stroke... Or whatever it's called."

She laughed and we held hands as we entered the rink together. Dear God, it was some kids birthday party. There were screaming children everywhere. I waited to hear Ellie complain and want to go back to the car, but the noise didn't even faze her. In fact, she looked almost... intoxicated by it all. She's so weird.

"What do I do?" she gave me an amazed look and gestured towards the big rink.

"Well, first off, we get skates. We have to rent them."

"Awesome!"

We went up to the rental desk and an old man smiled at us. "We need two pairs of skates- size 10 and...?"

"7," Ellie piped up. "Any to match my outfit?"

The old man chuckled and stroked his little mustache. "I don't know, little lady. Will these do?" He pulled a pair of hot pink skates off of the rack. Oh god, they were even glittery.

"Sir, you are _beyond_ coolness. I'll take them," Ellie snatched the skates and I decided to have a little fun, too, and chose a bright electric blue pair.

"Do these match my outfit?" I mimicked, batting my eyelashes.

Ellie skimmed over my jeans and orange shirt. "Totally. You're going to look rad."

"Rad? Who says _that_ anymore?" I wheezed. God, she was making me laugh so hard.

She glared at me jokingly. "I do. Get used to it."

I helped her lace up her skates and pulled her out into the rink, amidst the throngs of little kids screaming and falling and wailing... I couldn't help but smile as we skated hand in hand around the rink to god-awful songs. I swear, they even played Barney at one point.

"Boom boom, ain't it great to be crazy?" we spit out, doubling over in laughter. Seriously, _why_ is this song playing?

Only one thing could make it even better. The lights dimmed down and the crazy red, blue, green, and yellow spotlights started dancing across the wooden floor. I pulled Ellie close to me and whispered into her ear over the loud music. "I'll be right back!"

She nodded and waved her fingers as she skated off, joining a group of kids forming a line. She's too cute. I rubbed my hands together as I made my way to the bathroom. It was empty. I reached deep into the pocket of my jeans and pulled out a little baggy with a few pills in it. I took a pill and popped it in my mouth, drinking a handful of water from the sink to wash it down. Dude, the lights out there are going to be killer now.

"Having fun?" I shouted at Ellie, who was being drug along by a few boys. She sent me a desperate look and I threw my head back, laughing. I caught up with them. "Mind if I take my date back?"

"Aw man!"

"Loser!"

"Jerk-off!"

The boys skated off, disappointed.

"You are aware that one of those little boys just called you a jerk-off, right?" Ellie grinned impishly.

I clenched my jaw. "Why that little bas-..." I started to lunge towards him, but Ellie grabbed at my arm.

"Damn! Don't hurt the little guy!"

I wrapped my arms around her waist. "I was kidding. I really don't care what they think. I'm the only one with a hot redhead here."

She bit her lip coyly and played with the ends of my hair. "Oh really?"

"Yeah, really."

Our lips touched. Man, I almost forgot how good of a kisser she is. We got a few disapproving looks from the adults as we continued our make-out session in the middle of the rink, but, really, who cares? They've just forgotten what it's like to be young and carefree. I opened my eyes and the lights swam in front of me. One Ellie separated into three. Hey, three's even better than one.

"You want to go back to my place?" Ellie asked, massaging the palm of my hand.

I looked at her hand. "Why not?" I answered loudly. Maybe even too loud. She didn't care, though. She pulled me in for another kiss and I responded hungrily. I don't know if it's the pill or her, but something has got me floating on cloud nine.

**Ellie**

I think I've met the perfect boy. True, he's not the type I usually go for. He's got the whole surfer thing going on- which is weird since he lives in Freemont... no beach in sight...- and I don't know if he's as trustworthy as I usually like guys, but he's _fun_. And that's what I need right now. I need something that isn't so serious, that's fun and carefree and spontaneous. I need someone who can just make me laugh and make me feel good. And it'll be perfect. I can already tell this is going to last a long time. He could even be _the one_.

But now I'm just getting way ahead of myself.

This is how I always am. I fall way too fast. It's stupid, I know. But I can't help it. It's some emotional complex I have. I get attached way to easily to people and then I just get hurt. At least, that's what the therapists have always told me.

But Ryan is different. He's not like the Todds and Evans and Pauls of the world- he's not like every other freaking jerk I've ever screwed and then been cheated on and left by. He's not going to break my heart. It's stupid of me to think this because, really, how much do I know about this kid? I don't know his friends, I don't know his family, I don't know his track record. I just met him. I met him, fucked him, and now I'm thinking that he could be the perfect guy for me. So, how do I really know? How do I know he won't hurt me like every other guy has?

Maybe I don't. Maybe that's what he's here for- to teach me to just dive in headfirst with no regards and see what happens. It's going to be a good thing. I can just _feel_ it. How perfect is my life going to be? I used to think my life would be crappy and uneventful and without purpose. I've felt that way ever since Brayden died, ever since Marco told me he was gay, ever since Sean broke things off...

Now? Now I think that it might get better. I'll never get Brayden back, Marco will never be mine, and Sean... well, Sean will be my friend. But I'll have a guy named Ryan who will take me roller-skating. And we'll sing along to Barney songs. And we'll take goofy pictures at the photo booth at the rink.

I pulled the row of pictures from my coat pocket.

**FLASHBACK**

"Come on!" his hand pulled me into the booth, and I sat in his lap, laughing.

"Doofus! You practically pulled my arm out of the socket!" I kissed him temple and ruffled his black hair a bit.

"Hey, don't mess with the do. Okay, smile!" he pressed the button to start the machine.

We smiled naturally and then I gave a big cheesy grin and he pretended he was crying; I looked at him and started laughing as he looked at me; we kissed; we crossed our eyes and made ourselves look like monkeys; and the last one... the last one was the best. We thought it only took five pictures. It took six. The last one was unexpected. He had grabbed both sides of my face and pulled me in for a kiss. Our eyes were closed, his hands cupped my face, mine curled around the back of his neck, we were pressed straight against each other.

I let him have that picture.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

It's amazing how you can tell so much from just a picture. It's true- a picture is worth a thousand words. Take this picture from my parent's wedding. It's during their first dance and anyone could tell they are simply crazy about each other. My dad could barely take his eyes off of my mom. And then there's this picture I have from when I won a gold medal at a gymnastics competition. I look so _happy_. And my parents are looking at me- and they look proud. That's not something I notice everyday. I don't know if they've been proud of me since then. There's this picture in the yearbook- taken the year I transferred to Degrassi. I don't remember it being taken- it's a candid. But it's of Marco mainly. He's leaning against a locker, posing for the camera, and _me_, I'm standing to the side of him, kind of in the background. I'm looking at him and it hurts for me to see how blatant I was. God, how could he _not see_ how much I loved him? I wanted to burn the yearbook when I saw that picture. I'm sure it's become the laughingstock of many. How pathetic- some outcast in love with her popular best friend- who's _gay_. I never had a chance. And now this row of photos from tonight. They just remind me...

I opened the small drawer in my night stand and took the small square out. We were so in love. You can tell just from the picture. Our eyes are closed so we're not even looking at each other, but you can _tell_. You can tell from the way his hands are gently framing my face, the way our bodies are crushing against each other, my fingers digging into his hair...

Did I really just go from ecstatic that I found a fun-loving guy to _this_? To laying in bed, tears spilling down my face, and clutching a photo like it'll bring him back? I don't even feel happy anymore. I just feel guilt. How can I be thankful that I'm having fun again when he can't be here with me? _Just stop it, Ellie. Get a hold of yourself. You're strong._

Right, I'm strong. I sniffled and wiped at my eyes. I don't need to cry. I don't need to feel guilty. I should be happy that I'm having fun. I should be _happy_. Don't I deserve happiness, too?

I didn't put the picture away. I kept it in my grasp the entire night. I don' t know. Maybe I was afraid something would happen to it- some freak accident.

As if it matters. I had let him have the picture. He wanted it so bad. He had begged me. As if I would have denied him anything. It doesn't matter anymore. I'll never get him back.

I have the picture now.

**Wow, so I started off writing this chapter in a good mood and wanted it to be fun and lighthearted- Ellie up to her matchmaking antics- but... now, I'm just depressed after writing this. So, sorry for taking that turn at the end of the chapter. haha. So, Ellie's found someone for Marco, found someone for Sean, and found someone for herself. I hope I'm not making Ellie into some drippy, weeping mess every chapter. I mean, I hope you guys still like her:) **

**Next chapter: Marco/Ellie/Devon goodness, more cute Sean/Ellie moments, Ellie/Ryan, and Craig/Ellie. Any other POVs you guys would like to see? Also- are there any moments from Marco/Ellie, Sean/Ellie, Brayden/Ellie that you guys would like to see? I've had Sean/Ellie talk about their first date in one chapter and stuff, but are there any other little moments you'd like to have flashbacks of? Just wondering. **

**Special thanks to PsychoJo who always reviews my story! Yay for you!**


	32. Dearest Helpless

**Chapter 32: Dearest Helpless**

**Marco**

"Marco, you look hot. Why are you worrying about it anyway?"

I gave Ellie a look and tried to smooth the tiny cowlick that was forming in my otherwise perfect hair. Damnit! "Oh, I don't know... Maybe because my best friend set me up on a blind date..."

"It's not really blind," Ellie pointed out. "You _know_ who he is."

"Not really. I know his name, and I know he's a wrestler. That's the extent of my knowledge."

She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and brought me back against her for a hug. "Oh, shut up. He's great. You're going to absolutely adore him."

"Have _you_ even talked to him?" I really doubt she's said anything to the kid. She probably had Sean set the thing up and that _really_ scares me.

She set her cheek against my shoulder. "Maybe I have, maybe I haven't..."

"You haven't. It's simple as that." I shrugged her off of me and went back to straightening the color of my shirt. Ellie gave me a hurt look- one she didn't think I noticed. I immediately felt bad. She's really just looking out for me. "Should I wear a hat or not?" There. Make her feel needed.

She scrunched up her nose and shook her head. "No. Marco, hat's are so out. I've been meaning to tell you."

"Thanks," I replied sarcastically. "Okay, here I am. Do I look fine?"

"You look great."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Marco!"

"Sorry, sorry..." Truth is, I was nervous as hell. Seriously, I was already starting to sweat. I haven't been out on a first date in a _long_ time. How do people do this? Date around, I mean. It's the most nerve-wracking thing ever.

"Aw, someone's nervous." Ellie started massaging my shoulders. "Let me help you loosen up."

I laughed, "I thought that was the guy's line?"

"What?"

"You know- guys usually say that line to get girls in-... Never mind. Okay, what time is it?"

"Almost 7. I'm so excited!" Ellie squeezed my hand and looked at me in the mirror. I tried to put a smile on my face, but my stomach was twisting into knots at the moment. What was I going to say? Do we even have anything in common? I know nothing about wrestling! Then again, I didn't know anything about hockey either. God, why do I even have to think about him?

The doorbell sounded and I froze. He's here. He's here. My _date_ is here. The thought of walking down the stairs and opening the door made me want to pass out. Ellie dug her fingers into my arm and pulled lightly at it. "Go open the door!"

I shook my head, "I can't..." my voice faltered.

Ellie grunted and started pushing me towards the door. "You are going and that is final! Now don't be rude, mind your manners, and _don't_ freak out if you see a bee."

"Ellie-..." I started.

"Yeah, Marco?" she hooked her arms behind her back and leaned against the doorframe to my room. Maybe she's right. She usually is. Maybe it's time for me to go out and have some fun. And I know Ellie would never hook me up with some loser. I gave her my first real smile of the day and kissed her on the cheek. "You can show yourself out, right?"

"Right," she grinned and patted me on the back as I walked out of my room and down the stairs. The doorbell rang again. The poor guy probably thought I was ditching him. I sprang the door open and put on my best smile.

I was floored. Devon stared back at me, showing off a pair of pearl teeth, his hair spiked slightly at the top. Wow, why haven't I noticed him before? From his highlighted brown hair, deep blue eyes, and tan, sculpted body... woah...

"Hey," I greeted shyly.

"Hey!" he gave me a flirtatious grin. "You look great."

"Thanks..." he's so... forward. How can he be this comfortable? Does he do this often?

"Yeah, I know, weird. Having _Sean Cameron_ set us up and all, but... obviously he knows a thing or two..."

There he was again with that flirting. I'm not going to deny it- it's hot. His voice is hot. The glasses he's wearing are hot. His outfit (tight dark green oxford and a pair of nice khakis) was hot. _He_ is just plain hot.

"So, Marco-..."

God, I love how he says my name.

"I was thinking we could do something cheesy like putt putt golf or we could just do traditional movie and dinner?"

"Putt putt is good." I flinched at how dumb I had just sounded. Did I really have to sound so... childish? Devon seemed so much older than me. And he isn't. He opened the car door for me, and I practically swooned. As he walked to the other side of the car, I snuck a peek up at my window. Sure enough, Ellie's face was plastered against it. When she saw me look she backed away with a guilty smile and shrugged. I gave her a smile and a discreet thumbs up. Remind me to kiss her later. I think she just saved me.

**Ellie**

"He was so cute! I can't believe he was that nervous," I laughed into the phone. "I've never seen Marco that unraveled. He'll be totally thanking me tomorrow, though. Devon looked hot."

"Should I be worried?" Ryan joked into the phone.

"Nah, I don't think so. So, when am I going to see you again?"

"Who knows. I'm kind of busy this week. Maybe Sunday or something?"

I was disappointed, but acted like it was okay. "That's fine. Yeah, I'm swamped in work, too." That much is true. Between school, rehearsing for the Christmas show, working at Caitlin's, and solving my parents' and friends' relationship problems- life is pretty hectic.

"Yeah, so I have to go," Ryan spoke abruptly.

I nodded, although he couldn't see me, and said my goodbyes. Hanging up the phone, I felt incomplete. I wish Ryan could have gotten away from whatever he's doing tonight and could have come to see me. My mom was working late again and my dad was at a conference a few towns away. My finished homework stared up at me and sighed. Why did I have to be so responsible and do homework first thing? If I hadn't, I could have had something to do right now.

The doorbell rang downstairs and I scampered out of my room to get it. Please, let this be a good distraction.

Oh.

"Hi," I wedged myself in between the door and the frame. "What's up?"

Jay stuffed his hands in his pockets and raised his eyebrows. "Well, I could ask you the same thing. What's going on, Ellie?"

I looked into his eyes and saw the confusion written all over his face. I guess I would be confused, too, if I were him. There I was, sobbing in his car, asking him for help, and now I'm avoiding him at every possible chance. I'm running hot and cold these days.

"Why don't you come in?" He stepped inside and hung around in the foyer, rather uncomfortably. "No one's home. Are you hungry? I'll make you something to eat." I started towards the kitchen.

"No!" Jay burst out. "I mean... that would be... uh... _fine_."

I gave him a weird look and searched through the pantry for something to feed him. We didn't have too much. Mom didn't really cook much lately. Not that I'm complaining.

"How about some... macaroni? And I can make you a grilled cheese!"

"Whatever. Ellie, let's cut to the chase- what's going on?" Jay took a seat at the kitchen table and stared at me.

I turned around so he couldn't see my face. "What do you mean?" I was grasping at straws. Maybe I'll just let him say whatever he wants- let him get it all out- and I can just nod in all the right places.

"How are you doing?" his voice grew softer.

"I'm great. Seriously," I turned around and smiled at him to prove my point.

He didn't buy it. "Don't shit around with me. Are you staying clean, or what?"

"Yes!" I was growing frustrated. Why can't anyone trust me? "I haven't touched stuff at all. Now can you get off my back?"

"Fine. Was it easier than expected? Harder?"

I tossed Jay's grilled cheese sandwich into the oven and turned the dial to broiler. "I don't know... I got sick, I felt like shit, I was easily pissed... yeah, I guess it was harder than I thought it would be. But it's fine now. I'm not going back to that. My life is great at the moment."

"Good. So, Sean told me you have a new boyfriend? Ross or Richard or something?"

"Or something. His name is Ryan. And we've gone out once."

"Still... what about you and Sean?"

I turned around, holding my spatula, hands on hips. "What _about_ me and Sean?" What is with everyone? You'd think Sean and I were attached at the hip - which we're not!

Jay shoved his tennis shoed feet on top of the kitchen table and leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head. "Oh, you know how you guys are. Hot one minute, cold the next."

I shoved his feet off of the table. "Don't put your feet up there. Sean and I are friends. Christ, can't two people be friends?"

"I think the real question is- can two people who are completely in love with each other be friends?"

I reached in and grabbed the cookie sheet with the grilled cheese sandwich on it. This is starting to get real old. Sean and I don't love each other. Well, we love each other, but we're not _in love_ with each other. I wish everyone could just be more mature about this. I wasn't even going to give Jay the satisfaction of answering his question. It was a stupid question anyway.

"Why can't you two just admit it? I don't get you guys. You were great together. And, all of a sudden, you two are done."

"Finished. Not done. We're not turkeys," I shot back, feeling childish beyond belief for actually saying it.

"You're so weird!"

I threw his sandwich down in front of him and he poked at it with his finger. "Shut up and eat the damn sandwich!"

"Testy. It's burnt."

"Just a little." I glanced at the charred sandwich and shrugged. "If you hadn't distracted me, I could have watched it better."

"Who the hell makes a sandwich in the oven anyway..."

He ate it anyway. I knew he would. He can eat anything.

"So, what happened?"

"I'm sure you know. Sean probably told you."

"I want to hear your side."

I poured the macaroni into the boiling water before taking a seat across from him. Was he serious about hearing my side? No one ever wants to hear my side. I nervously picked at my nail polish underneath the table. "He broke up with me. That's about it."

"Oh, come on!"

"Okay, he broke up with me but called it a break. How sweet was that?" I muttered sarcastically. "He didn't really say too much as to _why_."

"He's scared. You know, of a relationship."

"He's had Emma before. And Amy- as sad as that makes me feel to say that..."

Jay smiled, not realizing his mouth was full. Or maybe he did. "Yeah, but, your guy's relationship was actually _good_. You know?"

"No, I don't know. If it was so good, why did he end it? I know you know something."

"Well, not that I keep tabs on your relationships or anything, but... I think Sean's just scared of commitment. A commitmentphobic or whatever they call it... Almost all guys are afraid of commitment, in one way or another. I think Sean is in love with you so much he could imagine spending the rest of his life with you. That's enough to scare _anyone_ away."

"Har har. Thanks for the compliment. But I don't buy it. Sean isn't like that. Anyway, why are we talking about this?"

"Fine. We'll talk about you."

"No, we won't."

"Ellie, you're the strangest person I've ever met. What do you want? Do you want help or do you want to be left alone?"

"What do I want?" I repeated softly. What _do_ I want? I don't even really know. I guess I just want everyone around me to be happy. "I just want everyone to be happy."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone wants that. But what do _you_ want."

"That _is_ what I want!" Why can't I want what everyone else wants? Is it such a horrible thing that Ellie Nash might _not_ always be the different one? Sometimes I like to be considered normal, too.

"For yourself? Just for you. What do you want just for you?"

"Happiness, parents, love, marriage, a family, a good job, money, friends, a dog, I want everything. God!" I pushed my seat back roughly and stalked over to the stove. Why does he have to push and push to get a rise out of me?

"There's some of the old Nash spirit. It was getting to be a drag having you be all mopey and sad and good."

I opened the refrigerator door and looked inside, not really looking for anything. Just looking. So I didn't have to look at him. A slammed the door. "You know, you preach to me about how I should be getting a hold onto my life, how I should stop doing drugs, how I should do all this crap. You say you're going to help me. And now you're telling me to go back to the way I was. Well, I can't."

"Was the way you were all because of the drugs? Was none of that you?"

"I don't know! Okay? I _don't know_. There. Ellie Nash doesn't know something. Alert the media. Now, if you excuse me, I have a major load of homework to be doing right now and I would appreciate it if you left me alone!" I pushed him out of my way.

"Don't push me. I'm not afraid to get rough with a girl. Do you think I'm trying to confuse you and tell you to go back to being some slutty, drug addict, manic depressive nutcase? No. I'm telling you to go back to Sean and be happy. You can still be happy. You just have to stay off of the drugs and get back together with-..."

"Ugh!" I started pummeling his chest, neck, shoulder, everything with my fists. "Listen up, you bastard. I _don't _need Sean. I don't need you. I don't need Alex. I don't need drugs. I don't need you telling me I'm depressed. I don't need sex. I don't need anything to be happy. I am happy. Right now."

"Yeah, you just need something sharp."

"Fuck you! Just... Just fuck you!" I threw a kitchen drawer open and grabbed a knife. "You want to see me do it? You talk about it enough. You're just _fascinated_ with it, aren't you? Well, it's _sick_. It's the sickest thing I've ever done. I don't think I could be more ashamed of anything than this. But do you want to see it? Are you ready for this? I'm prepared to let you in to my own little personal hell and if you aren't sure, you should really just leave right now."

Jay started backing away, a shocked expression on his face. "I don't want to see that."

I let the knife slip out of my hands and crash onto the floor. "Good," I stated simply. I turned the stove off, drained the macaroni, added the milk and cheese, and stirred the clumpy noodles. "There," I shoved a bowl of it into Jay's hands.

"And for the record, I _don't_ need to cut."

**Jay**

It was a success. Really, a big success. Ellie Nash admitted to herself that she doesn't need to cut. Oh yeah, and all because of me. Hey, give credit where credit is due. It was interesting see her freak out like that- to actually get physical with me and grow a backbone. She's always been tough and everything, but she finally stood up for _herself_ today. She didn't stand up for Marco or for Sean or Ashley or anybody else. Just her.

I'm kind of proud of her.

Yeah, yeah, big brother moment there. Cheesy Jay is at it again. Helping those in need, saving kids from burning buildings, getting the cat out of the tree... helping psycho girls realize that maybe they aren't so psycho.

Seriously, though, sometimes I really feel like her older brother. I'm not usually one to admit something this... sentimental... but I feel very protective of her. Ever since she broke down to me. Nobody has ever come to me for help before. No one's ever come to me and told me I was the strong one and they _needed_ me to help them.

I really think she'll be okay. I can tell she was telling me the truth when she told me she wasn't using anymore. That's all I really need to know. Now I can tell mine and Alex's kids that once I knew a girl who was broken and scarred and their dad helped her. I patched her up.

She's going to be okay.

* * *

"Can I talk to you?"

I looked up from my car seat into the troubled eyes of Ellie Nash. Now what? Does this girl ever _not_ have a problem? "Yeah?"

She leaned her elbows on the window and sighed. "Sorry, for last night. I went postal. I didn't mean to, but you were just pushing me. You're lucky I didn't stab you with that knife."

"What was it that got you? Was it me harping on you or asking you what you want or mentioning Sean or-..."

"It was everything. You were just bringing up a lot of the past. You kind of remind me of someone I knew once..."

"Someone equally as fabulous?" the grin fell off my face. "That sounded really Marcoish, didn't it?"

She shook her head in disbelief and pushed a strand out of her eye. "No, this guy named Zeke. He looked out for me, and now you, you're kind of doing the same thing."

"That's cool."

"Was there a reason you came over, besides the food?"

I put a hand to my stomach and shuddered at the thought of that gloopy macaroni still in there. Hey, when you're starving, though, you'll eat even Ellie Nash's toxic macaroni. "Don't remind me. Please."

"I thought you liked it!"

"Yeah, as much as I like having heartburn."

"Shaddup."

"You shaddup."

"No, you shaddup."

I chucked and drummed my fingers on the steering wheel. "I came over to see how you were doing. You've been avoiding me."

She opened her mouth to say something.

I beat her. "Don't deny it."

"I wasn't going to. I was avoiding you. I was embarrassed. Do you know how unsettling it is for me to know that I went and asked someone for help? I don't do that. I handle things myself."

"Sometimes you can't handle things yourself. Especially when the problems are called heroin and cocaine."

"Say it a little louder, why don't you?"

"Hey, it's your own fault. But I was kind of playing mind games on you. You know, trying to get you upset."

"Yeah, it worked."

"I noticed. You started to scare me with that knife."

"I think that's the first time I've held something sharp in my hands and didn't cut."

"I think you're going to be okay. You showed some guts last night. Do you even realize how much you admitted to yourself- that you don't need anyone else, you don't need drugs, you don't need a knife or whatever it is you use. You need yourself. That's it."

She blushed slightly. "I can't believe I admitted it. I think I'm starting to realize that I'm stronger than I thought."

"You are. You're stronger than I thought. I have bruises from you."

"From what?"

"From when you were punching me. I didn't think your tiny fists could have that much power."

"Well, now you know. And now you know you better watch it around me."

I laughed genuinely and shrugged. "Yeah, I guess I will. So- you're not pissed at me, I'm not pissed at you... things going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I think they will."

"Yeah, well, anytime you need a kick in the ass, I'm here for you."

"Aw, thanks, Jay. How kind."

"I mean it, don't think I'll ever be easy on you. I'm going to be merciless."

"Can't wait." She turned around and started walking away. I watched as she stopped and turned around, heading back towards my car. "Hey Jay?" she placed a hand on my arm. "I was wrong about one thing. I don't not need anyone."

I stared back at her. Not blinking.

She looked to her side at the ground and then back at me, straight into my eyes. She's so intense. "I've never been able to admit to myself that sometimes I do need help from other people. I do. I'm admitting it now. I can't do everything on my own. That's what I was trying to do and look where it got me..." her laugh was bitter. She gave me a small smile. "I can't believe I asked you for help. But I'm glad I did. It's made me realize that maybe I don't have to do everything by myself. I have you guys."

And there she was once again. Spilling her heart out to me. Telling me that she's finally allowing herself to be close to us. She's not going to hide anymore.

When you've lived a life like mine, you realize you can't trust anybody. People say things, they promise things, and a lot of those times those promises don't get met. I'm not saying it's always necessarily the person's fault. Sometimes situations just force people to break promises. It's not a crime really, unless intentional.

I think Ellie really believes she can change. I believe she can stop doing drugs and cutting. I'm not sure about other stuff. I don't even know if there is other stuff. But I'm sure there is. With Ellie, it's not just one thing, it's a million things.

The saddest part is she really believes she's going to be a different person from now on. I think she'll be a better person, but there's something going on that I can't even delve into. I don't think anyone really understands what's going on with her deep down. The drugs, the cutting- that's all surface.

Ellie Nash will remain a mystery to me for probably eternity. She can smile and laugh and say everything's okay- and believe it- but you look into those eyes and there is just something so _dark_ in them. Not dark in the evil sense, but dark as in pain and emotion and intensity. It almost hurts to look into them.

I can't do anything about it. There's only so much one person can do- isn't that what Ellie just discovered? It is. And I've always known it. So, I helped her face her drug problem. That's all I can do. That and be her friend and look out for her. But I can't force her to confide _this thing_ to me. It's something she has to conquer herself.

It's pathetic because I don't think she knows what's going on with her either. It's a mystery even to her.

I really want to believe her when she says she's okay and perfect now.

But I don't.

**Jay/Ellie moments. Aw. Big brother... Jay's trying to help Ellie see the light. Next chapter Marco gushes to Ellie about his date, Ellie/Ryan relationship stuff, and... I don't know what else. the next chapter will probably be up later on tonight seeing as i'm starting to get obsessed with this story. April Child should be updated tomorrow.**

**thanks for the reviews!**


	33. Golden Boys

**Chapter 33: Golden Boys**

**Ellie**

I stopped at the bulletin board across from my locker to see if there was anything

newsworthy posted on it. Nope. Am I even surprised? I walked further down the hall until I reached the Grapevine office. I'm turning this stupid article in before I have to have Liberty track me down and yell at me about it. I think she forgets way too easily that we're supposed to be _sharing_ duties. This issue is her time to shine. She better believe I'll be taking over next time.

"Here. My thoughts on the lack of AP classes, funding for drama club, and the intent of a stricter dress code. Need more, all for it, totally against it." I placed my articles in front of Liberty and lifted an eyebrow, daring her to argue with me or, God forbid, tell me that my pieces are being pulled for an article on whether or not to have ketchup pumps or ketchup bottles available in the lunchroom.

Liberty pushed her glasses higher on the bridge of her nose- a look that made her seem even more nerdy. "Well, I'll have to look over them..."

"Bullshit! Why are you doing this? You've _never_ been against my articles before, but now, all of a sudden, you have to make sure their appropriate. My opinions are totally acceptable. You pull this Liberty and, I swear, I will hunt you down."

Liberty stood up abruptly and slammed her palms down on the desk in front of her. I did the same. Our noses were practically touching we were so close with anger. "I'm editor this issue, Ellie. I can do whatever I want."

"I've never pulled any of your pieces. Never. Keep that in mind." I was so close to just butting her head. So close.

A cough sounded next to us and we both looked over to see Mr. Simpson hovering close by. "Is anything wrong girls?"

"No, I was just leaving," I replied. I gave Liberty one last threatening look and took off, my hair streaming behind me. Has she ever heard of free speech before?

"Woah, where's the fire?"

I squealed and turned around to face Marco. "_You_ didn't call me last night! How was it? Isn't he cute? Did you have fun? What did you guys do? Did you kiss? Did you do more than kiss? Is he everything you dreamed of and better?"

"Paging Ellie Nash. Ellie Nash, please come back down to the ground. To answer your questions: he's incredibly hot; I had _so_ much fun; we went putt-putt golfing and then got something to eat; yes, we kissed; yes, we did more than kiss, but not too much more. Oh, and he's better than anything I've ever dreamed of. Happy?"

"Definitely," I hooked my arm through his, and we strolled towards home room. "Good kisser?"

"Oh yeah... I could barely keep my hands off of him."

"I'm jealous!" I laughed my outburst off, but it was true. Why couldn't I make Marco happy? And why can't I get over him? It's like I'll always have this sick fascination for him.

"Aw, well, you know you're always first to me. But, I'm going to go off and find Devon. Kiss," he commanded.

I kissed him quickly on the lips, knowing if I lingered too long all the old feelings would come rushing back to me.

"Mm... you're perfect." Marco smiled and squeezed my shoulder affectionately before jogging down the hall.

He's right. I am. I almost had to resist smiling to myself. Let's see- I have incredible friends, I have an incredible boyfriend, the best grades, my parents are going to get back together... Could I ask for anymore? It is almost _too_ perfect for words.

I caught sight of Sean walked at the other end of the hall.

Now there's just one more thing...

**Sean**

"Mind if I sit here?"

I glanced up at the voice and met a pair of really blue eyes. Oh no... wavy, blonde hair, blue eyes, tall... This was Nikki. I thought Ellie would have forgotten all about hooking me with her friend, but, I should have known better. Once Ellie sets her mind of something, she doesn't stop until she gets it.

I made room at the table and scooted my seat over. The one day I decide to go hang out in the library and work on homework... she comes along.

"My name's Nikki."

I shook her hand and smirked, "And let me guess... you're friends with Ellie?"

She blushed and shrugged with a smile, "How'd you know?"

"Well... there's the fact that she was telling me _all_ about you the other day. You know, saying we should hook up."

"Yeah, she couldn't shut up about you. She said you're almost perfect."

"Almost?" I scrunched my eyebrows together. "Why just 'almost'?"

She grinned and played with her armful of bracelets. "I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"

"Nah, that's okay."

"You're not as tough as everyone made you out to be."

Okay, low blow. I might not be carrying around guns and knives, but I'm still tough. Do people seriously think I'm not tough anymore? My eyes darkened at the thought. "Yeah, well, some people don't know shit. I almost killed a guy."

"Really?" Nikki's eyes widened.

"Yeah, back in Wasaga. The pussy tried to start something with me. I finished it. I deafened him in one ear."

"Woah... Are you always this violent?"

Yes or no? Yes or no? Does she want tough or not? "It depends." There. That seems like a safe answer.

"Hmm... tough and indecisive. I like it. So, tough boy, you want to hang out at the Dot tonight? I've been craving a milkshake from there."

God, if Jay didn't make fun of me already for going soft, he'd definitely make fun of me for going to get a _milkshake_. "Sure."

Who cares, though? Seriously, Ellie wants this. If she thinks it's best, I'm willing to give it a try.

**Ellie**

"That movie was... okay. I thought the costumes were brilliant, but so much more could

have been done with the dialogue. I thought the actress who played Harriet was horrible. Her acting was atrocious. She was so... monotonous and unfeeling and her character was not supposed to be that way at all. Believe me, I've ready the book. But Winston was great. Maybe not worthy of an award or anything, but perhaps he'll get a nod. The scenery was good. Not much to brag about, but nothing to dismiss. What'd you think?" I turned to look at Ryan. We were walking to a nearby coffee shop after seeing a movie. We had decided on a more traditional setting this time.

"Umm...?" Ryan gave me a blank look and laughed. "I think you said it all."

I knew he'd say that. I shrugged, "I'm not asking for some deep observation. Just, did you like it or not?"

"It was okay. Not my kind of movie really."

"What movies do you like?"

"I don't know... More comedic?"

"We could have seen a comedy."

"I didn't think you were the type to like comedies."

What does _that_ mean? "I _love_ comedies," I sounded defensive, but, whatever, he was insulting me.

Ryan took my hand and swung it back and forth between us. "Sorry. The place is right there."

I followed his gaze to the little coffee shop and nodded. So far the night has been... a disappointment. This date wasn't as fun as the first. Ryan's been weird all night, he's insulted me a few times (unintentionally, I'm sure, but still...), and we weren't having as good of conversation. It was kind of... hard. But every relationship has a few bumps in the road. Look at Sean and I- our first dates were disasters!

But enough about him. Although, I wonder if him and Nikki talked today. I hadn't seen either of them after lunch.

I hung back, expecting Ryan to open the door for me to the café. He didn't.

I pulled angrily on the doorhandle and flung it back with force. I must have been breathing pretty heavily because Ryan looked back at me. "Are you okay?"

I took a look at his floppy blonde hair and smiled. "I'm fine."

Who cares if he didn't open the door for me. Not everyone's perfect.

"Why don't you grab a seat and I'll order for you. Chai Latte okay?"

"Yeah, that's great."

I found a small little table in the corner that looked romantic. I waved at Ryan to show him where I was.

"Here you go. One Chai Latte for the little lady. And one strong black coffee for me."

I smiled as he sat next to me, instead of across. He scooted close to me on the little bench and kissed me on the corner of my mouth. I lifted my legs and placed them across his lap to free up room.

"Mmm..." he moaned into my mouth when I kissed him. "So, there's a party this weekend. You should come."

"I would, but my friend is throwing a party. _You_ should come."

"Okay, I will. Is this going to be a _cool_ party?" he teased.

I pinched his cheek and took a sip of my latte. "It's going to be great. And, you know, you can just stay with me afterwards... My parents probably won't be around at all. My mom's visiting her sister and my dad is always working."

"And still living in an apartment."

"Well, yeah, that too. But that'll change soon enough."

"I don't know, Ellie... I've seen people get separated. They rarely get back together." Ryan shot me a sympathetic look over the brim of his mug.

"That's horrible of you to say," I pouted slightly to make him feel bad.

"It's _realistic_ of me to say."

I shrugged, "I'm not too fond of realism."

For some reason that statement made him laugh loudly. "You're funny," he complimented. I think it was a compliment.

"Ugh, I got into a disagreement with this girl at my school. We both kind of run the school newspaper, and lately she's been taking it way too far. She's been pulling some of my articles."

"That bitch!" Ryan laughed. Was he making fun of me?

"It's serious. I work really hard to get my opinion out there and then she comes along and takes it away. Well, if she knows what's good for her, she'll put my pieces in this issue."

Ryan gave me a lazy smile, "So you like writing?"

"Yeah. I actually had a co-op at this new/public interests show awhile back. It's over now, but sometimes I still go in when I have free time and help out. I'm thinking of working there during the summer."

"You should get me on TV. You know- for the show "hottest guys on earth"?"

"Oh, haha," I giggled sarcastically. "Well... it could be true..." I let my voice trail off and gave Ryan a small, but seductive, smile.

His hands trailed down my thighs and under my skirt. "You know, we could always take this somewhere else. I know a place that has a _great view_."

I stared at the smile that had crept across his face. Downing the last of my tea in one quick gulp, I set my cup down and took his hands in mine. "Let's go."

"Mmm. Right... here. Yeah, right here."

Ryan pushed my shoulders down so I was kneeling on the ground. The grass was kind of wet, but I didn't complain. You know, anything to make him happy. This is going so well so far that I don't want to do anything to mess it up. I shoved my fingers into his blonde hair and pulled him even closer to me, falling back on the earth.

"Do you have a blanket?" I asked breathlessly in between kisses.

"Oh. No. Do you want to go in the car?"

"If you don't mind..."

Yeah, please, it's so public out here. I may be a little slut, but I don't enjoy people watching me. We stumbled back into his little car into the backseat. He almost crushed me as he threw himself onto me, tearing at my clothes. His hands couldn't make up their mind as to where they wanted to touch me. They kept switching from my calves to my thighs, my stomach, my chest, my arms, my face, my knees... It was almost... too much.

I grabbed a hold of his hands and held them away from me. "Calm down. You're making me motion sick."

He laughed and probed his tongue into my mouth. I kissed him back as I went for the buttons to his corduroys. When he felt me unbuttoning his pants, he automatically went for my skirt. I shivered as he slipped it off. I hadn't realized how cold it really was. I could almost see my breath.

FLASHBACK

My breath came out in short puffs as I scooted into the backseat. Did I really want to do this? I looked at Andy as he climbed in and pulled the door shut behind him. _Of course you do. Stop being a baby_.

The look on my face must have been priceless. Andy frowned and pulled back. "You're not having second thoughts are you?"

"No!" I blurted out, a little too quickly. "No, I'm not," I repeated. For emphasis, I crushed my lips against his. He almost bruised my lips as he forced his tongue into my mouth and sucked on my lips.

This isn't so bad.

I felt his hands at the back of my thighs, moving their way up. He pulled me closer to him so I was straddling his lap. All of a sudden, his hands were tugging my shirt off, unbuttoning my skirt, and slipping into my underwear. _Too fast. Too fast._

"Don't tell me your going to back out now!" Andy groaned in frustration as I pulled back slightly.

Was I going to back out? Was I just going to tease him and then make him take me home? I didn't realize it would go this far... _Oh shut up, Ellie. You knew. You couldn't wait to go out with Andy so you could tell everyone you fucked a sophomore. _God... I _did_ know this was going to happen. This is what happens with guys like Andy. He wasn't labeled the de-virginator for nothing.

"Do you have something?" I spit out lamely. Anything to buy some time.

"Are you serious? You're not going to get pregnant," he gave me a wise smile. "Don't worry. I haven't been with _too_ many other girls."

I bit my lip and played with the button of his shirt. "Yeah, but..."

"But nothing. You _know_ how it is, Ellie. Now come on. Unless... you're going to chicken out. You know, be a baby about it."

"I don' t know-..."

"Damn. I thought you were cooler than this. I thought you were mature and hot and up for anything... I didn't realize you're just a _little girl_."

He was taunting me. He knew it'd get to me. He's right. I _am_ mature. I can handle this.

"I love you."

What? Did he really just say that? I looked up at him, my eyes pleading with him to not be lying to me. Had he really been loving me from afar this entire time? He _did_ spend his entire art classes sketching me. He _had_ been admiring me. He really does love me.

I smiled and cupped his face in my hands. "I'm so ready," I whispered.

He tore off his top and pants and pulled down his boxers. I had to keep myself from checking my watch. I'm sure he had undressed in under a minute. He turned the volume up on his CD player, loud, screeching music screaming through the car. How romantic...

Tears sprung to the corners of my eyes as he shoved himself into me. I felt so violated. This wasn't slow and loving and beautiful as I thought it would be. It was rough and harsh and cold. There was no feeling in it. Hadn't he just told me he loved me? Then why wasn't he showing me?

His hands were kneading my breasts, his hips were pumping, and low gutteral sounds were escaping from his mouth. His eyes were closed, his back arched, and sweat was beginning to glisten on his forehead and his upper lip. He reminded me of a bull or a pig or something beastly.

It wasn't how I imagined it at all. I thought fireworks were supposed to go off, and I was supposed to be washed away with ecstasy, and he was supposed to murmur how much he loved me and I was supposed to whisper it back. Instead, I'm getting a headache from the music and I think my chest is going to be permanently bruised.

A few moments later he was pushing against me so hard that my head was hitting the door. I tried to reach up to open the door so my head could have more room, but I couldn't reach it. I winced in pain as my head, once again, slammed against the door.

"Andy... my head."

"_My _head. Damn, wait a second. I'm cumming."

I wanted to rip my fingernails into his cheek to get him to stop. If my head hit that door _one more time_, I was going to scream.

He let out one last moan before collapsing on top of me. My breath came out in a gasp as he landed against me, pressing me hard into the seat. I'm sure my back is going to have some serious burns from this stupid leather seat.

"Was it good?" he lifted his head a little and kissed my chest lightly.

I wanted to cry. Tears were threatening to spill out of my eyes, but I held myself together. I have a reputation, after all.

"I want to do it again."

Why did I say that? _Why?_ I didn't want to do it again. I wanted him to take me home, and I wanted to curl up on the couch and pop in Cinderella or something like that. You know, be a kid again. Maybe being _mature_ and everything isn't worth it.

"Well, wait awhile. I have to get my stamina back up, doll."

Doll. Why the hell did he call me doll? I felt myself getting angrier and angrier by the second at everything he was doing. Is this a normal reaction? To be furious after having sex for the first time?

A half hour later he finally pulled himself together and adjusted himself to re-enter me.

"Slower this time," I barked.

He laughed quietly and nodded, "Okay, okay, _doll_."

I shut my eyes tightly, waiting for the pain. It was a little weird at first, not as painful, but still a little bit. I was probably sore from my first encounter with him. But slowly it got more and more... enjoyable. I found myself kissing him back and roaming my hands over his body. He sucked on my neck and I ran my fingers along his back and through his hair.

"Is this good?" he whispered.

"Mmm... yeah..." I murmured back, smiling.

Now _this_ is more like it.

"Say it."

"Say what?"

"What you said before." My eyes begged him to say it. I wanted him to tell me that he loves me again. I needed that reassurance.

"I love you," he spit out, emotionless.

For some reason, I just felt emptier after that.

END OF FLASHBACK

My head banged against the car door. Ryan's face kept switching back from his to Andy's. I couldn't even remember who I was having sex with. It was all too much the same. My head hitting the door, the roughness... Had he been this rough at the party?

"That was good," Ryan kissed my cheek and ran his hands down my sides.

"Yeah," I choked out. What else am I supposed to say? Sorry Ryan, but I was too busy thinking about another guy to even concentrate on banging you? For some reason, I don't think that would go over so well. Or at all.

I shivered and he sat up. "You wanna go?"

"Yeah." I grabbed my clothes and started pulling them back on as Ryan watched me and smiled. I caught his gaze and smiled back at him. This wasn't fair. I was too busy comparing him to some other guy- some _jerk_- that I could barely concentrate on being with him. This wasn't fair to him. It's not fair to me either. I deserve some happiness.

**Sean**

"What's up?" I let Ellie into my apartment and leaned against the kitchen counter.

"Not much. No one's home. I got lonely, so I walked here."

"You _walked_ here? Ellie it's two in the morning. You could have gotten mugged or-..."

She smiled wryly and shook her head in amusement. "I know how to take care of myself, Sean."

"Yeah... right." I have a hard time believing that. "I can make you a bed on the couch. Or you can have my bed," I offered.

"I'll share the bed with you. You're not afraid of my bite, are you?" She smirked at me and started to take off her coat. I smiled at her pajama pants and tight long-sleeved top.

"No. I just thought since you're dating someone now..."

"It's not like we'd do anything, Sean. We're just sleeping."

"Yeah, right." I ducked my head sheepishly and scratched the back of it. "So, I met your friend Nikki today."

"Really?"

"Yeah, we went to the Dot after school. She's nice."

She beamed and took a hold of my hand. "I _knew_ you'd be crazy about her."

I don't know about _crazy_ about her, but Ellie looked to happy to crush her feelings right now. Nikki's cool and everything, but I don't know if we could ever be in a relationship. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes.

"Are you doing okay?"

She held onto the back of a kitchen chair. "I'm fine. Just... tired. Wanna go to bed?"

I nodded. "That's where I was heading before _someone_ decided to make me get up and answer the door."

"You should really just make me a key."

"Or you could just move in."

Things grew silent between us. Only serious couples did that- moved in with each other. This isn't the first time I've thought about asking her. I knew how rough things were at her house- her mom always drunk and screaming at her, abusing her emotionally and mentally. Her dad always gone. I wanted more than anything to just take care of her and keep her away from all of that hurt. But I knew she wouldn't accept. She would never leave her mom. She's loyal like that.

I turned the light switch off and climbed into my bed next to Ellie. It was a tight squeeze, but comfortable, oddly enough. I hooked an arm underneath my head and draped one across her waist. "Good night," I kissed her on the nose, enjoying the faint smell of her perfume.

"Night," she held my arm in place across her waist and let the other one press against my chest.

We said goodnight but we didn't sleep. We just sat there, staring back at each other. With anyone else, it'd be weird. But with her, it was... like home. I didn't feel pressured to say anything to her. I knew I could just watch her and she could watch me and we'd be content with that much. My eyes started to feel heavy around three in the morning. I noticed hers drooping a little, too. I pressed my forehead against hers and fell asleep.


	34. All Eyes On Me

**Chapter 34: All Eyes On Me**

**Ellie**

I held tightly onto Ryan's hand as we walked into the restaurant together. I caught sight of Marco and Devon and Sean and Nikki already at a big booth, waiting for us. I lifted my free hand in a wave and steered Ryan towards my friends.

"Guys, this is Ryan. Ryan, this is Marco, Devon, Sean, and Nikki. They're my friends."

I stepped back as Ryan shook hands with everyone and slid into the booth next to Nikki. I sat across from him next to Marco, taking in how everyone looked. Nikki looked amazing with her curls all pinned on top of her head and a light blue linen dress on. She looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine from the 70's or something. Sean even managed to find a clean oxford shirt. No doubt he probably borrowed it from Joey again. The thought of it made me smile.

"So, we were just talking about Jimmy's party this weekend," Marco filled us in.

"I've never been to Jimmy's place before," Nikki said. Sean's arm wrapped tighter around her shoulders.

He was being so sweet!

"Well, you're going to have a great time. We all are. Ryan's coming, too."

The waitress came along to take orders. I grimaced as Ryan ordered a huge bacon-cheeseburger. If he thought I was even going to kiss him later on after eating _that_... Even worse, Nikki ordered the same thing! It must be nice- not having to look out for your figure and all that. The waitress looked at me next and I ordered the low-fat fajitas with chicken.

"So, Nikki, has Sean told you he's going to medical school?" I beamed.

Nikki furrowed her eyebrows. "Well, no... Does it really matter?" she laughed and Sean broke into a chuckle with her.

I didn't really find what was so funny. "What's funny?"

Marco stopped laughing long enough to answer me. "You act as if Sean and Nikki are getting married tomorrow. Slow it down, Nash. Slow it down."

"I don't think it's so funny..." I muttered. I hate when people laugh at me. Especially over stupid stuff like this.

"Oh, settle down, El," Ryan shot me a reassuring smile, and I practically melted. He really is unbelievably adorable. I'm totally lucky to have him.

Devon set his water glass down and leaned into the table. "So, Sean, are you ready for the match tomorrow?"

"Yeah, man. Why do you think I'm eating all these carbs?" Sean had ordered spaghetti.

The boys were having their first wrestling match tomorrow evening. Sean's been so stoked this entire week about it. Supposedly he's wrestling against some guy who's really good. Or something like that. I just follow what Coach tells me and that's it. I still know absolutely nothing about wrestling.

"You guys wrestle?"

Sean and Devon looked towards Ryan and nodded. "Yeah, we're going to have a great team this year actually," Ryan commented. "Don't you think?"

Sean agreed, "Yeah. Rob and Ted are probably going to lead the team, I think. And even Steven is looking better this year. I remember him from when I was last on the team- he was so scrawny! Toby stepped up from JV, too. Who would have thought that geek would ever make it to Varsity?"

"Especially after the shit he pulled," Marco interjected.

"What shit? What did Toby do?" I feel so out of the loop. This must have happened way before I came to Degrassi.

Sean shrugged and tried to play it off like it was no big deal. "He was trying to lose weight to make a different class. Took way too many laxatives. Didn't eat. That sort of crap. He passed out during a match, and Coach yelled the crap out of him."

"It was pathetic. I mean, who does that?" Devon's hand made its way to Marco's on the table and took it. The gesture was sweet. I could see Marco's eyes brighten at the touch. Sean looked like he might get sick. Ryan looked out of it.

I could see the waitress making her way over to our table. "Let's not talk about Toby and his raging problem anymore. Our food's here."

Ugh.

Could I sound any happier that the food was here? _Pig!_ But I haven't had a bite all day. Usually I find the time to at least eat a grape or a few crackers. The waitress set the steaming plate of fajitas in front of me and a tray of different things to put on it. The smell wafted up towards my nose, and I sniffed.

Ugh.

On second thought, maybe I'm not so hungry. I absent-mindedly pushed the plate away from me. The action didn't go unnoticed as I had hoped.

"Why aren't you eating?" Nikki asked, her mouth full of her fattening, greasy, disgusting hamburger.

"It's too hot," I made up on the spot.

Ryan placed some french fries on my plate. "Here, these aren't too hot."

"Thanks," I gave him a (fake) grateful smile and picked at a fry. Talk about greasy...

It was a sweet notion, but not wanted at all. I felt like everyone's eyes were on me the entire time I was sitting at the table. See, this is why I hate eating around others. They just _stare_ at you. Always comparing and taking notes on how much you're eating and the fat content and calorie intake. It's enough to drive me crazy.

**Sean**

Nikki popped a fry in my mouth and I playfully bit her finger lightly.

"Ow!" she pouted.

"Sorry," I apologized, embarrassed that I might have hurt her.

"No problem. Do you want a bite of my burger?"

"Sean doesn't eat hamburgers!" Ellie piped in. She still hadn't touched her own dinner. Instead she was stabbing at a fajita with her fork. Repeatedly.

Nikki turned her head to look back at me, "You don't?"

"No. Long story."

"His grandparents raise cows for butchers."

Thank you, Ellie Nash.

"Wow. That sucks, I guess. I _love_ hamburgers!" Nikki took a bite to emphasize her point.

I smiled at her. Now that I think about it, she's definitely cute. I mean, when I picked her up today... wow... Her dress hugs her in all the right places. She's tall and has a figure like no other. Total hour-glass. Total sex.

Ryan excused himself from the table and headed towards the back to where the restrooms are. Ellie followed him with her eyes, a small smile playing across her lips. That smile tugged at my heart. She's happy with him. I didn't want her to be. I wanted him to be a huge jerk so I could hate him and she could, too. But... He's not. In fact, he's pretty cool. He's even been to Wasaga a few times to hit the beaches- to surf.

Marco and Devon were too busy feeding each other to even concentrate on what was happening at the table. I thought when Ellie told me they were coming along on the double date that I'd get sick just staring at them. Okay, so the food-feeding was a little gross, but... I wasn't getting all pissed off and out of sorts like I thought I would. I didn't really even notice too much. So, maybe this is okay. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be- Ellie and Ryan, Marco and Devon, and me and Nikki. It sounds pretty nice.

Nikki leaned towards me, her breasts brushing against my arm. "When are we going to lose these idiots and go have fun?" she whispered into my ear, teasingly.

My eyes widened and I looked at her with a grin. "My friend's is having a few people over at my house tonight. You should come."

"I definitely want to come."

At the end of dinner, Marco and Devon left to take a walk, and I excused Nikki and me. I climbed into the driver seat of Jay's Civic and turned the car on. It's nice to have a friend who will let you use his car whenever you want. Sort of a favor in return of letting him party at place whenever he wants.

"Look how pretty the sky looks!" Nikki breathed as she stared out the glass in front of her. "I love sunset. The colors are always so bright and just full of energy. I've tried so many times to paint it, but it never turns out the way I want it to."

"Maybe a sunset is something that no one can paint. It's impossible. You know?" There. There's my arty and deep thought for the night.

Nikki appreciated it and leaned over to nip at my earlobe as I drove. Wow, I'm really going to thank Ellie later on. I'm no longer wary of entering into a new relationship. In fact, I'm ready to turn it to full-force.

**Ellie**

I yawned and stretched my arms over my head with a huge smile on my face. I had actually gotten sleep last night. The last time I've slept- when I'm by myself- would probably be... uh... I can't even remember! I looked in the mirror quickly at my reflection as I headed towards the shower. I looked bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, or however that saying goes. Four hours of sleep can do wonders.

I chose a light blue tartan bondage skirt, a dark red tank top, and a black long-sleeved shrug to start the day off right. I slipped my feet into a pair of wedge sandals and scuttled over to my full length mirror. These sandals were _so_ high, they easily made me look _at least_ five pounds lighter. I wiggled my dark silver toenails and sighed with content. I looked okay for a day at school, I suppose.

"Ellie Nash, you are going to trip and fall in those shoes."

The genius comment from my mother as I entered the kitchen. I kissed her quickly on the cheek- hey, things are getting better since her and daddy are talking again- and sat down at the table, grabbing the newspaper in the process.

"Whatever," I replied, too caught up in reading the arrests for that week to really get into it with her.

"Yeah, whatever. You'll say whatever when you call home crying with a broken ankle. Isn't that skirt a little short?"

"_Mom!_"

"Your top's a little tight."

"Mother, stop it." I tried to be calm. I really am trying. It's so hard with her, though.

My mom ran a hand through her hair and fiddled with some papers on the counter. "I didn't want to say anything, but you definitely are getting a little pudge around the sides? You might want to go on a run today. You haven't gone running in awhile."

She couldn't even look at me as she said it.

I closed the newspaper slowly and grabbed my backpack from the floor. "I'm going to go now."

She finally looked up, shocked at my clipped tone. "Ellie, I did't mean anything by it. I was just suggesting-..."

"Yeah, I know what you were suggesting," I snapped. I was furious. It's one thing for me to criticize myself, but for _her_ to do it. "As if you have room to talk, you sow."

I left it at that.

* * *

How could she say that to me? Aren't mothers supposed to love you no matter what? I bit my lip to fight back the urge I had to just let go and cry. I couldn't cry. I'm almost to school, it'd ruin my makeup, and I have a reputation- as fragile as that is right now. Instead of letting the tears fall, I pasted a bored expression on my face and walked through the front doors of the school.

"Hey, Ellie!"

"Nash, 'sup?"

I gave a weird look to JT and Chris and waved casually before moving along. Okay, JT and Chris barely ever talk to me. And what's with the look that Nate is giving me? I don't even know the kid.

"You know, Ellie- you _did_ give me your number awhile ago... I was wondering if the offer still stands?"

"Spinner, you pig!" I pushed him off of me and gave him a disgusted look. "I was just trying to get through to Jimmy that he shouldn't waste him time on me. I never meant _anything_ by it. Believe me."

"Aw. Why not? I'm a catch!" Spinner pleaded, following behind me like a little puppy dog.

Okay, are we in reverse realities? Am I really Paige today and Paige is really me? There's no other explanation as to why Spinner, of all people, would be following me around asking for a date. There is just no sane explanation. Maybe there's something in the water.

"Ooh! Spinner's getting lucky! Ow ow!"

Jerks. I rolled my eyes at their neanderthal behavior and decided to just ignore those comments. Didn't the whole "biggest slut" thing go away a long time ago? Why the hell is it resurfacing? Was my mom right? Is my skirt a little too short? I looked down and pressed my skirt against my thighs... well... it _could_ be. I had gone a bit daring today. And I was bare legged. Usually if I'm wearing a really short skirt, I'll go for tights or my little black pants underneath. Today, my legs were free for the entire world to see. They were practically singing for their freedom. Dear God, I might as well plaster a huge sign on me that says "free for all".

"Take it off! I want to see more!"

Okay, who the hell was that? If I didn't know any better, I would think I was back at Rookwood, during my last few months there. I glanced over in the direction that the voice had come from and had to stifle a scream. What the _hell_ was that!

Pinned up in some grade 12's locker was a picture of me in a bikini. Where did that come from? Why was it in his locker? And what was I thinking with that pose? My mom's right. My sides are practically spilling over the bikini bottom. It's the most disgusting thing I've possibly ever seen in my life.

I marched up to the grade 12 (who's name is Dennis) and swiped at the picture. He grabbed my ankle before I could reach it.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Feisty! Don't worry, I'll let you get dirty with me later."

"Moron," I hissed. I wrenched my wrist free and rubbed at the red spots that were already showing up on it. That idiot about broke my wrist.

"Calm down, kitten. I like that skirt. It'd look better on my floor."

Oh God... "_Please..._" I snarled, already stepping away from him.

"Oh come on, Ellie. I'd go through anything for you!"

"Good. Start with your bank account."

"I know how to please you."

"Please _leave me alone_!"

He didn't bug me anymore. But my picture is still hanging up in his locker. And I can't wait to find the culprit of it.

**Craig**

I flipped through the catalogue with pride. I had taken some great pictures- with Ellie's help. Seriously, the catalogue looked great. Everyone agrees.

"I love this outfit!" Paige held up a page and everyone nodded in agreement.

Ashley wrapped her arms around my waist. "Ellie looks amazing. Just wait until she sees this, she's going to freak out! She'll be so happy!"

Marco gave a faint grin and shut his catalogue. "I don't know. I don't think she's going to be too happy."

I lifted an eyebrow. "Oh, and why wouldn't she?"

"Well, you know how Ellie is about her body..." his voice trailed off and he held up his hands in an "I-don't-know" gesture.

Ashley shook her head. "No, we decided she was over that, remember? She's been so happy lately, Marco. Don't worry about it."

"Yeah, well, something still tells me she's going to be pissed beyond belief."

I gave Marco one last look before he walked away, muttering something about finding his new boyfriend. He's wrong. That's just it. Ellie is going to be totally proud of this project, just as I am. We put a lot of work into it and it turned out great. What is there not to love?

One by one, my friends all left, stating their own excuses, and carrying their personal copies of the Honey catalogue in their hands. When I had received the box last night, I could barely keep myself from calling Ellie and telling her about them. I had decided against it, though. I wanted it to be a big surprised when she came to school- something to make her happy. It didn't take long for all the boxes to be grabbed by all the students. Some guys had even taken more than one.

"CRAIG!"

Um. Okay. That was not the voice of happiness.

"I'm going to _kill_ you!" Ellie hissed, digging her nails into my arm and dragging me into a nearby janitor's closet.

I could barely see her face in front of me, but I could definitely hear her.

"What the _hell_ were you thinking? Showing off my body like this? Are you making fun of me? Is this a joke? I don't appreciate you bringing this crap to school where everyone can see."

Okay. She just insulted my work. "It's not 'crap'!"

"Close enough. Guys have this hanging up in their lockers, Craig. Do you know how embarrassing that is?" I could feel her breath on my neck.

I reached inside for a low blow. "I thought you'd like the attention. You've never objected to men being all over you before. You know, being the 'biggest slut' and all."

Ellie let out a shriek of frustration and punched me in the shoulder. "Don't come near me, okay? Don't talk to me. Don't even look at me. Don't breathe next to me."

She opened the closet door.

"I don't get why you're making such a big deal over this! You look great. The catalogue looks awesome. Aren't you flattered at all that everyone wants you as a pin-up? I even saw some girls with you hanging up in their lockers!"

Hey, two girls together- that's kinda hot! Especially if one of them is Ellie. Hmm, who would the other girl be? Ashley? I could see that working. Emma? Perhaps... Paige? That'd be a disaster waiting to happen.

I took my first look at Ellie's face since we entered the closet. She clutched the doorknob for dear life. Her mouth was tight and her jaw was clenched shut, as if she were trying to hold it together. She looked beyond embarrassed.

"Listen, next time you imagine your sick little fantasies, I don't want to be part of them. Thanks _so much_ Craig for making me every guy's wet dream."

"And every girl's lesbian fantasy!" I called out after her.

She flicked me off.

Seriously, what did I do wrong?

**Marco**

"I told him you'd hate it. He just doesn't listen. I really don't think he meant anything by it, Els."

I gave Ellie a hopeful look as she pouted slightly, staring at the lasagna I had brought her- my leftovers from dinner last night. She smashed it with a fork and pushed it away. "This thing has gotten me so upset, I can barely eat."

As if you ever do. I just wanted to scream it at her. Seriously. I think that's what it'll take to get through that thick head of hers. But, I'd never be able to do it. I can't even stand the thought of hurting her or reducing her to tears. It makes my heart ache just thinking of her crying because of me.

So I choose the silent approach.

"You know, he should have told me he received them first. But _no_, Craig Manning doesn't listen to anyone. He doesn't follow the rules. Craig has to be a big jerk with no regard for anyone but himself."

I had to defend my friend. "You know that's not true, Ellie. Craig would do anything for _you_."

She looked up at me, eyes narrowed into slits. "I don't even want to talk about that."

"Sorry. Why don't we just put the topic to rest. Sooner or later, it'll all blow over. Believe me. Heather Sinclair will get a bad perm and the universe will be back in order. I promise," I tapped the end of her nose with my finger and she smiled a little.

"Oh, fine..." she gave in. She sighed and looked up at me, the smile still on her face. "So, how's Devon? What'd you guys do after dinner last night?"

"We took a walk around town. It was fun. Looking in all the windows, making up stories for people we passed on the street, that sort of things..."

Ellie's eyes dropped and she clasped her hands together on the picnic table. "That's _our_ thing, Marco."

My cheeks reddened (I'm sure my ears did too), and I immediately felt like the biggest jerk in the world. I reached over to grab her hands, but she flinched away from me.

"Don't," she said blandly. "I have to go. I have to- You know."

No, I don't know. All I know is that I'm a huge idiot. She's right- that is... was...is... _our_ thing. And now I just ruined it. Once again, big gay Marco gets caught up in his latest relationship- totally ignoring the only relationship that will always last.

I tried to reach out for her hand again as she got up from the table, but it slipped away. Isn't this what it's always about? Me messing up, hurting Ellie, trying too late to reach her, and never being able to? Things were so fine just a bit ago. They were _fine_.

Her hand slipping away from mine.

That's the lasting image I had in my head as I watched her retreating form.

**Ellie**

I furiously painted in the stupid apple on my canvas. Whoever thought of painting a still- life of a fruit bowl was dumb. Then again, everything is dumb to me at this moment. Painting is dumb, my art teacher is dumb, Nikki's conversation is dumb. Damn Craig and his stupid actions.

"So the party was fun. You know, it wasn't too big or anything. Jay, Alex, Flowerz, and-..."

"_Towerz?_" I rolled my eyes.

"Oh my god. Is that his name? I was calling him Flowerz the entire time last night. No wonder he kept laughing. I'm stupid. Ooh, look at the movement I just created here?" she angled her easel to me so I could see her painting.

"Precious," I stated in my bitchiest tone.

God, I'm being horrible today.

Nikki stuck her tongue out at me. "Since you had such an injustice done to you today, I'll let that slide. But only because I like you, Nash. Otherwise you'd be dead."

_Otherwise I'd rip your fucking tongue out._

Ugh. I really need to stop. I tried to put a smile on my face, but I couldn't. The day has just been so depressing. First Craig and the catalog, I've had probably a million guys come up to me asking for a date, I hadn't seen Sean all day, and Marco is a Grade A jerk.

Why did I ever set him up with Devon? I thought if I set him up, he'd still pay attention to me. You know, infinite gratitude. That sort of thing. Yeah right. I should have known Devon would take my place just like stupid Dylan did. Why do I even need his constant affection anyway? I think I've gotten way too used to having friends lately. I really need to go back to my anti-social ways.

"Sorry," I apologized to Nikki.

"It's okay. So, you never told me Sean is an _amazing_ kisser."

I squeezed my paintbrush tight. "He is?" I teased. "I can't remember."

"Oh, shut up! He's fantastic. God, I was about to let him just take me right then and there."

I didn't realize she'd fall this hard for him. Already. It's been- what?- two days? Something like that.

"And did you?" I held my breath, waiting for her answer.

"No."

"What?" I screeched. "You should have! Nikki, I'm going to have to school you on the ways of getting instant satisfaction. It's called- are you ready for this?- sex."

"You have a dirty mind, Ellie Nash."

"No, I don't. I'm just honest." I shrugged to show her how comfortable I was with the topic and went back to painting.

She laughed lightly and checked out her painting. "I think I'm finished for today. Class is almost over anyway."

I glanced up at the clock and saw that she was right. Ten minutes barely gave me enough time to clean up these oil paints. I went along the process the cleaning up mechanically. Usually, Nikki and I would goof off. Not today. I was definitely not in the mood today.

**Ryan**

I swallowed the three pills before answering my phone. "'Lo?"

"Cute. What's up?"

"Not much. Watching TV."

"Figures. Don't you have homework?"

I rolled my eyes and smiled. "Yes. Why, are you going to come up here and make me do it?"

"I should. So, let me tell you about my horrible day at school"

I settled back into the pillows on the bed and played with the little bottle next to me. Between her soothing voice and the painkillers, I'd be relaxed in no time flat. I popped the cap off to the bottle and then popped it back on, popped it off, popped it on... I listened with one ear as she told me about some embarrassing picture or something or other. I tried to pay closer attention, but I was too distracted by the intense feeling I was having.

"So that's why I'm a little upset today," Ellie finished her rambling, and I snapped my attention back to her.

"Sorry about your tough day. At least we get to party this weekend, right?"

"Right."

"Do you mind if a few of my friends come to the party?"

"No, I don't mind. Who's coming?"

"My friends Rodney and Xander. I promise they'll be good."

"Thanks."

"No problem. But hey, I gotta go. My mom's calling me. Bye."

I hung up the phone before she could protest and rolled over, burying my face into a pillow. I yawned and kicked my shoes off. Now is definitely the time for a much needed nap. I dreamed of Ellie.

**Ellie**

I logged out of my e-mail and was about to shut down my IM program, but a message popped up before I could.

**CRAIGTHEMANing: **Sorry.

I ignored him and clicked the X on the message.

There.

**CRAIGTHEMANing:** I really am.

Shut up!

**CRAIGTHEMANing: **I'm not going to stop until you forgive me.

**CRAIGTHEMANing:** Seriously. I won't.

**CRAIGTHEMANing:** I'll beg you.

**CRAIGTHEMANing:** I worship the ground you walk on, you know.

**CRAIGTHEMANing:** What do I have to do? Hold a radio up outside your window?

That part made me laugh a little. Stupid Craig.

**Ellie.: **leave me alone.

**CRAIGTHEMANing:** Not until you agree to come over to practice.

**Ellie.: **no.

**CRAIGTHEMANing: **Please?

**Ellie.:** no.

Why am I even humoring him by answering him? Seriously. I disgust myself.

**CRAIGTHEMANing: **Face it. You can't stand being mad at me. We adore each other.

**Ellie.:** yeah, we sure do.

**CRAIGTHEMANing:** Nobody is as sarcastically funny as you.

**Ellie.: **nobody is as annoying as you.

**CRAIGTHEMANing: **Would it help if I told you that you look unbelievably sexy in the catalogue?

**Ellie.:** I hate you.

**CRAIGTHEMANing:** I love you.

**CRAIGTHEMANing: **in a totally, non-creepy, sort-of platonic, unrequited, impossible sort of way.

**Ellie.:** leave me alone.

**CRAIGTHEMANing: **I'm coming over.

**Ellie.: **no!

**CRAIGTHEMANing: **too late.

I was about to type back, but was stopped by a different message.

**CRAIGTHEMANing has successfully logged out at 5:46PM.**

Damn.

**There you go, the next chapter. Hope everyone enjoys it. Next chapter- Craig/Ellie, Marco/Ellie fluffiness, jimmy's party, and more things with the couples. Thanks for all the fantastic reviews!**


	35. In Your Eyes

**Chapter 35: In Your Eyes**

**Ellie**

It wasn't long before I heard the music. He had signed off- what?- like only fifteen minutes ago? I checked my watch and saw that it'd been a half hour, actually. Seriously, if he thinks that playing some cheesy 80s song will make me forgive him, he's even more dense than I thought.

"Love, I get so lost, sometimes. Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart..."

Okay, so what if the cheesy 80s song was the totally cool "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel and it so happens to be in Say Anything? Seriously, who really cares?

Still, I could keep my fingernails from tapping against the window frame as I snuck a peek out. There was Craig- in all his glory- playing the music from his car and playing along on his guitar. He's even taking it a step further- he's actually singing the song, too!

"All my instincts, they return. And the great facade, so soon will burn. Without a noise, without my pride..."

"You're crazy!" I shouted out to him, giggling. I'm surprised my mom hasn't come out to say anything. Is she even here? I hope not. I'm still pissed off at her for earlier.

"In your eyes, the light, the heat. In your eyes, I am complete..."

I shook my head in amazement at his persistence. He ended the song a few minutes later. I applauded him, "Bravo! That was _great_."

"Can I come in?" Craig looked up at me hopefully. He was shivering in the cold.

I shrugged and nodded. I need to grow a bigger backbone. Have a bigger resolve. Something like that. I ran downstairs, saw that my mom still wasn't home (good!), and opened the door up for Craig, who was a shivering mess.

"I left so suddenly that I forgot a coat," he explained, his teeth chattering.

I rolled my eyes and rubbed his arms with my hands. "Better?"

"Much."

I rolled my eyes again at the expression on his face. Could he be any more obvious? The boy was practically making goo goo eyes at me.

I tried to think of something to start a conversation. "So, um, are you a Peter Gabriel fan?"

"Well, I-..."

Wait a second. Why am _I_ starting the conversation? Why am I even talking to him, warming him up, letting him come in? He's the one who embarrassed me in front of the entire school, and he's the one who should pay!

"I don't really care if you're fan of him or not. What are you doing here? I don't want to talk to you." I put my bitchiest look on and stood in front of him with my hands on my hips.

Craig fell on his knees and took one of my hands. Oh no. He did _not_ just do that. I tried to wrench my hand away, but he was holding on too tightly.

"What do you think you're doing?" I squealed, horrified at the girlish squeak that came out. Ugh, since when have I become such a prepubescent?

"I'm apologizing," Craig stated matter-of-factly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. There. That's all I can give you. But, in all do respect, you knew what you were getting into. You knew you would be in catalogues distributed all over the world."

"Really? All over the world?" I looked cynical. I sincerely doubt that Honey is popular all over the world.

"All over the Western Hemisphere."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, North America."

My eyebrow stayed up.

"Fine. The US and Canada. _There_. That's the truth."

"That was a big stretch. Okay, fine. I'll give you that. But I didn't realize you'd be bringing the catalogues to school and letting everyone have them. Do you know how annoying it is to have guys come up to me and ask to get some?"

Craig blushed to the roots of his hair.

"Yeah, I was asked out by like six jerks today. My pictures are in lockers. And, not to mention, I looked _horrible_ in those pictures."

"Thanks. A lot," Craig rolled his eyes and looked away. I obviously hit a touchy spot.

I ran a hand through my hair. "Not, not _you_. I mean, _I_ look horrible. The photography is great. It's just me."

"You look beautiful."

"No, I-..."

"You look beautiful."

It was hopeless. Craig would never understand, so why even bother trying to explain to him exactly why I was so upset? Maybe everyone is just blind and doesn't see the fact that my stomach was, like, overspilling in all the shots. I reflexively put a hand to my stomach. What if my mom is completely right?

I feel like I've let everyone see right into my soul through those pictures.

And that's such a sad thing for me to think. Those pictures should mean nothing, but they mean _so much_. I'm letting everyone see underneath all my clothes and makeup and seeing what I look like when I wake up in the morning. Granted, I don't usually wear red lips and a bikini to bed, but looking at me in those photos- I look naked. I'm not sure I like it. At all.

"So whaddya say, Nash? Are you going to forgive me and are we going to practice?"

I looked one last time at Craig's puppy dog eyes and held back a sigh of frustration. Oh, why not? Why not forgive him? I forgive everybody. It's my _thing_. Paige has her gossip, Manny has cheerleading, Emma has environmental issues, Sean has cars, Jay has theft... I guess forgiveness is _my_ thing. My specialty. And just thinking that makes me feel so... stupid. Is that all I am? I'm the forgiving one. I'm loyal as a dog. I stand by my friends. I am a pushover.

God, sometimes I wish I could just be known for something else. Something that doesn't seem so weak and vulnerable. Paige is a predator, Manny is athletic, Emma is a crusader, Sean is a manly man, and Jay is a master of deception. I, Ellie Nash, am a fool.

**Craig**

"Okay, that last note was amazing. And I really liked how you did that transition in your voice during the second verse. You know, the 'O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming'. That sounded awesome," I took a pen and wrote down a few notes so I could remember them later.

"Thanks," Ellie fiddled with her hands in her lap.

I looked up at her, "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just... nervous."

"Ellie Nash, nervous? Since when?" I laughed.

Ellie let out a laugh- a nervous laugh, to be exact. "Since, um, _always_. I really don't feel up to this..."

"You're not backing out now. I don't care how scared you are. You're an amazing singer, and I think you need to show it off. One more time?"

She nodded, "One more time."

I strummed my guitar strings and listened as she started to sing again. Every time she opens her mouth, damn, it's like you can fall for her all over again. I'm not going to deny it- there are still feelings for Ellie in me. I mean, she's the girl I wanted in the beginning. But she, she was too busy being wrapped up with Marco to even notice me. We started off great friends, we talked, we traded music, we reviewed movies, I took pictures of her, she took pictures of me... I was totally enamored by her. But I had to learn to let that go. She was devoted to Marco in a way I don't think I could ever be devoted to anyone. It was almost inhuman. Not inhuman in a sense that it was cruel or monstrous, but... how can I define it?... extraordinary? Maybe that's a word to describe it. I don't know, it doesn't really do it justice.

So I buried my feelings for her. I hooked up with Ashley. I hurt Ashley. And now I'm back with Ashley. And _happy_. I don't want anyone to think that I'm not happy with her. I am. I just sometimes wonder what could have been. I think Ellie and I could have been great. We just didn't get the chance to. I need to stop thinking about what could have been, though. I need to focus on the here and now and what I have here and now is Ashley- a great girl who cares about me. And I care about her. Deeply.

"Was that fine?"

I returned to the situation at present and smiled at Ellie. "It was."

"Okay, so then I'll just see you at school tomorrow?"

"Yeah, bye," I wrapped an arm around her for a hug. I breathed in the scent of her hair. I noticed the way she felt in my arms. The feel of her neck on my hand. It was good. But it wasn't familiar. What's familiar is Ashley's hair, her scent, her touch. Ellie is a dream. That's all she can ever be. And I think I'm okay with that.

**Sean**

"Okay, so the object of the game is to- yeah... kill those guys. Okay, let's start this again. A is to jump, B is to shoot, these arrows are what direction you want to move in. Press the down button if you want to duck. Okay?"

Nikki gave me a confused look but took the controller from me anyway. "I think I understand. Let's just start, and I'll catch up."

"Okay," I pressed the start button and watched as the screen loaded up. "Now, I'm the red guy. You're the blue guy."

"I want to be red!" she pouted.

I chuckled and switched controllers with her. "Fine!" I pretended to be annoyed.

She laughed and started pressing all the buttons, making her fighter jump up and down and do back flips and everything. I concentrated solely on shooting the enemies ahead of me. "Okay, you can shoot now."

"I'm having too much fun over here. You can do it."

Wow. She is _so_ different from Ellie. Really. I can kind of compare it to the video game and her strategy. Let's see- Nikki likes to just hang around, have fun, shoot the breeze, and go with the flow. She's perfectly content on just making her fighter jump up and down and ignore the mission. Ellie, on the other hand, fights differently. Her fighter would always be right by my side, shooting, destroying everything in our path. Kind of like in real life. She's... intense. That's the only way I know how to put it. You know- intense and determined and loyal and...

I'm definitely having more fun with the carefree, floaty Nikki. There isn't all of that stress.

"I'm bored!" Nikki threw down her controller and stood up, not bothering to smooth out her long, flowery skirt. She adjusted the straps on her tank top and tugged at my arm. "Stand up!" she ordered.

I turned the game off and followed her command. "What are we doing?"

"Dancing!" she raised her arms above her head and started to dance around, swaying her hips back and forth. I laughed nervously and sat back on the couch.

"I'll sit this one out." She seemed perfectly content on dancing by herself. I laughed as she waved her hands in the air, doing some dance move that made me think of a flower child. "Flower child, you're making me dizzy," I said when she started twirling around.

She giggled and fell into my lap. I ran my hands up and down her lower legs, playing with her toes, massaging her calves. "That's why you like me. I make you dizzy."

I nodded and looked into her eyes. "Yeah, you're right."

She stared back at me with her impossibly blue eyes and it sent a shiver down my spine. You know, if she likes tough men, I better start acting like a tougher man. It's like I'm putty with her. It's been that way with every girl I've dated recently. It's not good for my image.

She pressed her lips against mine. I kissed her back forcefully. This was good. This was _really_ good. I lifted her off of my lap and threw her on her back. "You wanna tough guy?" I whispered into her mouth.

"Yeah, I want a tough guy," she whispered back, giggling a little.

I slammed my mouth into hers. It was rough and searching and _right_.

* * *

"Hey," a voice chirped. I felt a foot kick my side.

I opened an eye and sat up halfway to see Ellie sitting next to me. "Was I seriously just sleeping?"

"I think so. Laying in the sun will do that to you."

"Mmm," I mumbled and rubbed at my eyes. "What's up?"

She picked at the grass and squinted at me, "Not much. Just kind of bored. Marco's off with Devon, Ashley and Craig are having quality time, and, well, you didn't look too busy." She flashed me a quick smile.

I sat up all the way and smirked, "Not too busy? I was _sleeping_."

"Exactly. You don't have time to be sleeping. You should be eating your lunch!"

I looked over at the half eaten sandwich and shrugged. "I think I'm going to go for the starved rock and roll lead singer look."

"Harhar. Eat up," she picked up my sandwich and held it out to me. I took a bite from it, but didn't take it from her. "So, how are things with Ryan?"

"You so like him. Don't deny it."

"He's _okay_," I admitted grudgingly. I hate admitting when I'm wrong. Especially with her.

"I knew it. Things with him are fine. He's coming to Jimmy's party on Friday. Did you know that?"

"Yeah. I heard."

"Nikki? Are things good between you two?"

"She's great."

"Ah ha! I am just _always_ right! Don't forget to invite me to the wedding," she gave me a self-satisfied look, and I rolled my eyes.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're totally crazy about her. You guys are going to get married. And you have me to thank for it. Hey, what are you doing after practice?"

"Nothing. Oh yeah, the match is rescheduled for tomorrow. Don't forget," I gave her a pointed look.

She sighed, "I wish I could. The guys are going to tease me about that stupid catalogue."

I laughed and shook my head, "Probably. I don't think they'll tease you, though. They'll be ogling you. You look... just... wow."

"Shut up," she snapped. "It's not funny."

"Okay, okay. Sorry. Anyway, it's not like I've never seen you naked before."

She groaned and laid down next to me. The time on the rooftop flashed through my head. "I can't believe I even agreed to it. I didn't even know what I was getting myself into when I told Craig I'd do it. He tricked me into it."

"_Sure_. There's a part of you in there that just loves to be the center of attention. Why else would you be Craig's model, be the lead in the play, and now you're singing at the Christmas concert? You're a limelight hog. Or addict. Either one."

She turned her head towards me. "Yeah, you know, you're definitely right. Anyway, did you want to go running with me after practice?"

"Running? You run?" I gave her a look of disbelief.

"Yes," she replied defensively. "Why?"

"You don't seem like the, uh, running type."

"Well, I am, so back off!" she snapped.

I raised my eyebrows and nudged her shoulder with mine. "Were you this way when we dated?"

She stuck her tongue out at me.

"Yeah, I'll go running with you. I've put on a few pounds anyway," I bitched in a high falsetto.

She poked my rock- hard abs and sneered at me. "Yeah, you poor baby. You're getting tubby."

I closed my eyes smiling. I had about twenty minutes left of lunch. That's twenty minutes to sleep. I figured Ellie would leave me, but she didn't. I opened my left eye slightly and saw that she too was napping. I took the sandwich out of her hand and set it aside. I balled up my sweatshirt with the plan to rest my head on it, but, on second thought, slipped it under hers instead.

**Ellie**

I smoothed the t-shirt over my stomach and checked myself out in the mirror. There's nothing quite as unflattering as a gym uniform. Seriously. Oh well, at least it hid my disgusting body. I rolled up my shorts a third time, but they still were too big. They rested just below my knees. Whatever, this is as good as it's going to get. Why the hell do I care what I look like anyway? I'm going running. With Sean. I wish I was running with Ryan. I'm tempted to call him up and see what he's doing, but, you know, I don't want to be pushy and seem like some psycho girlfriend. Besides, I just tried calling him twenty minutes ago.

"Ready, shrimp?" Sean called through the locker room door. I glanced at the clock in the locker room and saw that I had been in here for about fifteen minutes now. Had I really been checking myself out in the mirror that whole time? Pa-the-tic.

"Don't call me 'shrimp'," I retorted as I came out into the hallway. Sean was leaning against the wall, his hair looking slightly sweaty and totally disheveled.

He looked at my outfit. "Are you going to be warm enough? It's kind of cold. Here, I'll get you my wrestling shirt."

He dug into his gym bag and pulled out a long-sleeved wrestling shirt. I slipped it on and pursed my lips at how big it was. "Hey, now I look even more like a boy!" I announced gleefully. With total sarcasm, of course.

Sean ducked his head and laughed. "We just need to get a few curves on you. So, where we running?"

We started walking down the hallway towards the front doors. "Sawyer's Creek?"

He nodded, "Sounds good. What is that- a few miles?"

"Yeah, about three. Think you can keep up with me?"

"Ooh, I didn't realize this was a race."

"It's not. Unless you want it to be."

"Please, I just finished with practice. I think I'll die if I try to race. Are you ever not competitive about anything?"

I chuckled. "I don't think so."

"That's what I thought. Okay, Sawyer's Creek, here we come."

We started off in a slow jog, gradually building our speed up to a good stride. We weren't going too fast or too slow. Just right. Every now and then I'd look over at him, making sure he was okay. He looked peaceful running. I wish I looked like a peaceful runner. I look scared. Nervous. Desperate. I clenched my jaw to appear more relaxed, but I couldn't do it.

Sawyer's Creek isn't really just a creek. It begins as a creek, it runs through a grove of trees and a little forest and turns into a big lake. There are huge rocks everywhere in the lake and a waterfall stretches across the width of it. It's a pretty cool place to come during the summer. Sean and I came here a few times over the summer. We'd lay out on the rocks and he'd splash me with water and...

"Remember that picnic we had here?" Sean broke into my thoughts.

I looked up at him. We were both leaning over, our hands on our knees, breathing hard. "Which one?" I gasped. My rib cage hurt.

"Just... all of them. Remember?"

"Yeah." How could I forget? He acts as if we dated ages ago. Stupid, ungrateful idiot. It wasn't too long ago we were still happy.

Till he ruined it.

"I think I'm going to bring Nikki up here some time. I mentioned it and she's never been here. I think she'll like it. Don't you?"

I had to resist the urge to yell at him. He's bringing another girl to _our_ spot? What next? The rooftop? I swear, if he _ever_ took a girl on that rooftop, I'd cut his-

"Did I say something wrong?"

I returned to the present and squinted at him.

"You're giving me a pretty evil look," he laughed nervously. "What'd I do?"

"Nothing," I lied. "I just can't believe you'd bring another girl here."

There. I stood up for myself. There. Take that!

"Well, if it's that big of a deal, then I won't," Sean shrugged and stood up straight.

Why did he have to take it so well? Now I sound like some jealous ex-girlfriend. Which I'm _not_. I really could care less what he does with another girl. _Hello_, I set him up with Nikki. But, he just crosses the line when he decides to bring her to our place. Ugh. I"m sure I just sounded so petty.

I stood up straight, too, my hands going to my sides. I hate cramps. "I don't care," I tried to play it off cool. I tossed my ponytail behind my head. Or tried to. I forgot I was wearing a side ponytail that day. The gesture didn't prove so effective.

Sean smiled as the ponytail came back and hit me in the face. I tossed it away angrily and stood before him, hands on my hips, in a totally defensive stance. Yeah, I didn't look angry _at all_.

"Good. So, what's that saying? Last one in is a rotten egg?"

"You're so lame!"

"Only trying to keep up with you..."

I pushed him playfully, and we play wrestled until we reached the edge of the water. "Don't do it!" I screamed, putting my hands in front of me- as if that would keep him away.

"I'm sorry, but I believe you deserve it. After all, you woke me up at lunch." He grinned impishly and grabbed at my waist.

"Ahhh! No! Don't!" I tried to yell, but it only came out as laughing. Real effective.

Sean flipped me over his shoulder and ran into the water. I pounded on his back with my fists.

"Sean, it's freezing! I'm going to get a cold!"

"That's the point. We get sick together!" He let me go, and I tumbled into the water.

I shivered and reached for his t-shirt, to drag him underneath with me. He managed to dodge my fingers and started swimming towards the waterfall. I followed close behind him. When I reached the waterfall, he was already sitting on the shelf of rock that was behind it. He helped me up, and I let out a sigh of relief.

"You're so dead," I muttered, sniffling, and wiping at my face with the sleeves of his shirt. I looked at the wrists of the shirt and moaned when I saw the black streaks all over it. "Tell me, how bad is it?" I turned towards him and stuck my face closer to his.

He burst out laughing and slapped his knee. "Let's say, I won't be calling you shrimp anymore. It's raccoon now."

"Sean! That's a waste of eyeliner."

"Okay, Miss Moneybags. I think you can afford another stick of eyeliner."

I gave him a dirty look and continued to wipe at my eyes. "Better?"

"No. It's all over."

"I look so gross."

"Oh, you look gorgeous."

I rolled my eyes, but smiled anyway. Only Sean would think I was gorgeous with raccoon eyes.

**So I didn't get to Jimmy's party in this chapter. But I'll most likely have new chapters for April Child and Desperado up tonight. So next chapter will have Jimmy's party and some fluffy Ryan/Ellie. Are there any POVs you'd like to see? I feel like I've been limiting them to just Ellie and Sean lately. Thanks for the reviews! You guys are awesome!**


	36. Doing It Well

**Chapter 36: Doing It Well**

**Nikki**

Jimmy's party was pretty chill. I haven't been to too many parties here. I guess I've never been that kind of person who needs to drink every weekend to have a good time. Even now, I was just sipping on a beer, not really enjoying the taste too much. Jay and Alex were getting it down in front of me- dancing to some rap or hip hop song. Obviously, music that is not my taste. I'm more into bluegrass or Janis Joplin or the Beatles. Craig and Ashley are making out in a corner, Paige and Spinner are laughing with Hazel and Jimmy, and Ellie and Ryan are... wait, nevermind... Ryan isn't with Ellie. I squinted my eyes to look for him.

"Hey, Ellie. Where's Ryan?" I looked over to my side where Ellie and Ryan had been just two seconds ago. She didn't hear me. She was too busy gulping down her beer and dancing with Sean. Since when does Sean dance?

I raised my eyebrows as Ellie wrapped one arm around Sean and he wrapped one of his around her waist, pulling her against him. Why doesn't he ask _me_ to dance? I'm his girlfriend! I slammed my cup down on the counter behind me. I hate beer. Suddenly, I'm feeling very out of place in my long skirt and short cardigan. I thought I looked cute before- Sean told me I did. But now, looking at all these slutty girls in slutty dresses and skirts, maybe Sean was just trying to make me feel good. I'm usually not this self conscious, but I've never really had a boyfriend before. Not one like Sean who's tough and has all these cool friends and has a gorgeous ex-girlfriend, who just so happens to be one of my friends.

I glared at Ellie's outfit. Why does she look so goddamn devastatingly beautiful? All of a sudden, my outfit looked dowdy against her leather miniskirt (neon purple!), ripped up black off the shoulder top, and skin-tight black capris. Those stupid lycra capris would look stupid on anybody else, but on her? My nails dug into my palms. Not to be a bitch or anything, but I hope she breaks one of those stupid stiletto heels she's wearing.

Yeah, not to be a _bitch_ or anything...

"Are you okay?" Sean murmured, nuzzling his nose my hair. He placed his hand on my bare stomach and rubbed it back and forth.

"I'm _fine_," I snapped. I took a quick drink of my water.

Sean held me away at arm's length. "No, you're not. What's wrong?"

"You've been ignoring me all night. You're too busy with your ex-girlfriend to even notice I'm here."

God, I hate sounding like the jealous new girlfriend. But can I help if I am? I'd really like to keep a hold of my boyfriend, if that's okay with the universe.

Sean started laughing, "Sorry. Seriously, I am. I didn't realize I was spending so much time with El. But, uh, she's busy with Ryan now, so if you want to go somewhere..." his voice trailed off. Ah, so he wanted to go make out now.

I gave him a look. "Are you going to pay attention to me now?"

"Of course. You look so beautiful tonight."

"I look dumb compared to everybody else."

"Why's that?"

"I'm not showing off my legs, my cleavage, or my ass. I'm totally safe. I'm the most modest girl here!"

Sean smiled and tugged at the hem of my skirt, pulling me closer to him. "I kind of like it. You know, leave more to the imagination."

I looked away, a little embarrassed. Should I tell him I'm a virgin now? I'm sure that he and Ellie used to... The thought of it makes me sick. If I tell him I'm a virgin, then there is no way he'll stay with me. He'll go back to her, she'll break up with Ryan, and they'll be together forever.

I really need to stop thinking about Ellie.

She's my _friend_.

She's the one who pushed me to be with Sean.

She's not trying to steal him from me.

Is she?

**Jimmy**

I bobbed my head to the music and dipped another chip in the salsa and cheese dip. My party has turned out to be a major success- everyone's here, the music is good, the bar is full, and everyone's having a good time, from the looks of it. I caught sight of Marco and his new boyfriend- Darren? Devon? Devon. Yeah, that's right. Marco lifted his head at me and made his way over towards the snack table where Hazel and I were talking with Paige and Spinner.

"What are you doing?" I asked Marco as he grabbed a chip.

"Coke and rum!" he called back over the loud music.

Paige daintily sipped her wine cooler and slipped her arm through Spinner's. "So, the new beau is a _total_ hottie. I hear he's on the wrestling team. Good muscles. I'm sure he'll show you a few pins..." she wiggled her eyebrows and Hazel doubled over in laughter.

Marco blushed and turned his head from us. "He's great. You guys are really going to like him."

"How'd you meet him?"

"Ellie and Sean, if you can believe that."

"The Ellie part, sure. Sean? No way, man!" Spinner chuckled and crushed his empty beer can against his head. "Take that! Yeah! There! Who's the _man_!"

"I don't know about man," Paige rolled her eyes. "But I know who's the neanderthal around here."

Spinner gave her a confused look and let it go. Those two are too right for each other. "Where is Ellie anyway? I wanted to meet her new boyfriend?" I grabbed another beer out of the cooler for me.

"I hear he's super cute!" Hazel piped up. "But of course, you're cuter!"

I smiled with approval and wrapped an arm around her smooth shoulders.

Marco looked around the apartment. "Well, last time I saw her she was talking with Sean. But Sean's over there with _his_ new girlfriend. Nikki."

"She's cute. In a natural sort of way," Paige observed. "First time I've ever seen anyone wear an outfit like _that_ to a party."

I shrugged, "I think it's cool. You know, not everyone has to show off their body."

"I don't think she should be showing off _too_ much of her stomach. It's not exactly the most toned stomach I've seen."

"Then why do you show off yours?" I shot back. Seriously, what is it with girls and constantly putting each other down because of body size or shape? I think that Nikki girl looks hot. Maybe it's just me, but it's always nice to see a little meat on a girl's bones. Paige has no room to talk anyway. It was just the other week she was complaining about extra pudge on _her_ stomach.

"There's Ellie!" Marco pointed across the room to where Devon was.

Ellie was leaning against the wall, drink in hand, talking to Devon, their hands and mouths going a mile a minute. Whatever it is they were talking about, they were having fun. Ellie threw her head back in laughter and Devon wiped away a few tears. Either someone had just said something funny, or they were both drunk and finding just about anything humorous. I'm leaning towards the latter.

"Ellie's doing well," I nodded.

Marco didn't say anything. I looked over at him out of the corner of my eye and saw the worried look on his face. "She's not hitting on Devon, if that's what you're afraid of."

"I don't think she's hitting on him. It's just- Never mind."

I didn't push him. I'm not that kind of friend. I know Marco will tell me whatever it is when he's ready. Marco and I are buddies, we don't keep secrets from each other. We tell each other everything. I think our friendship has really deepened since he came out to me. I still can't believe a bunch of idiots would hurt a person like Marco. He doesn't deserve anything bad.

Marco sighed and ran a hand through his thick dark hair. "I'm going to go talk to Devon. Will you watch out for Ellie tonight? For me?"

"Um, sure. Is something going on?" Why does he need me to watch out for her? She looks fine.

"You know me. I always worry about her. I don't want her drinking too much."

"Yeah, I'll watch out for her. You go have fun with Devon."

"See you later."

"Yeah."

I lifted my cup for another drink, this time making sure to eye the room over the brim. There's Ellie. She's talking with Ashley and Craig now. She'll be fine with them.

"Jimmy? Want to get in the hot tub?"

I smiled at Hazel and grabbed her hands. "Hell yeah!"

**Ryan**

"Another beer?" I licked the side of Ellie's face playfully.

"Ew!" she giggled. "Yes!" she pushed me away flirtatiously.

I licked her hand and ran away, stumbling against the wall in the process. I reached out to steady myself and caught someone's shoulder. "Oops!" I slurred.

"Watch it, octopus!" A blonde girl whipped her hair behind her shoulder and put her nose in the air.

"Sorry, darling," I sneered. This girl had too much attitude for her own good.

"The name isn't darling, it's Paige!"

"Whatever. _Darling_." I decided she wasted enough of my time and headed, once again, towards the bar. I grabbed two more beers and concentrated on making my way back to Ellie. She was practically falling over in the chair I had left her sitting in. I watched as she swayed back and forth before falling face first into the floor.

A few people laughed and pointed as a few others gasped in shock. I started to bend down to help her, but some blonde kid got to her first.

"Drunk, El?"

I rolled my eyes as Sean lifted her up under the arms and steadied her back into the chair. Her head rolled around a bit and she grinned stupidly.

"Yesh," she yelled.

Yeah, she was drunk. I looked at the large pyramid of beers we had been collecting around us. We hadn't really moved too much during the party. That chair had kind of become "our spot". The last three hours of the party had been spent switching from drinking to making out.

"I can handle it, Sean," I pushed his hands away from her knees. I sat down on her knees, straddling her. "Okay, babe?"

"You're probably crushing her, man."

"Lay off!" I whined. I placed a wet kiss on Ellie's chin, missing her mouth completely. "She's _my _girlfriend."

"Whatever, man. Take care of her."

And he was gone.

Ellie groaned and placed a hand to her cheek. "Take me somewhere."

I concentrated on finding her mouth this time. I saw three of her set of lips in front of me. Which one? Which one is the real set? I went for the middle one. And was welcomed by two soft lips. She moaned against my mouth and I leaned her back in the chair, adjusting myself so I was kneeling over her. She slipped underneath me in what looked like a completely uncomfortable position, hands reaching my belt buckle.

I slipped my hands up underneath her shirt and ran them over her bra. It was lacy. A corset. And very sexy. Even if I prefer more than just a small handful. She threw my belt across the room.

"Ow!" I heard someone screech. Hopefully it was that annoying blonde.

I lifted her off of the chair a little so I could get her shirt completely off. I tossed it behind my shoulder. "Mmm," I ran my hands down her neck, over her bra, her bare strip of stomach, and down to the hem of her skirt. "I want this off so bad."

She shook her head side to side, drunk and confused. "What's going on? Take it off. I want it off, too."

"Um, do you guys need a _room_?"

I looked up over my shoulder and saw the guy who owned the place. His girlfriend was attached to his side, giving me a scathing look. "Yeah, if you don't mind, man."

He gave me a threatening look. "I'm not sure if Ellie knows what she's doing. So if _you'll_ just leave..."

"I'm Ellie's _boyfriend_," I shot back. My words echoed in my ear. God, how many beers did I drink tonight?

"You are?" the girl gave Ellie a worried look. She _was_ pretty out of it. And topless. One foot was bent up onto the couch and the other was wrapped around my waist.

"Yeah," I retorted. I tried to stand up so I could face these two idiots better, but Ellie was keeping me bent over.

The guy pulled me by my arm and pushed me away from Ellie. I can't believe he's _protecting_ her. As if I'd ever hurt her.

"Maybe you should just leave her alone," he recommended softly. He lifted her up to a sitting position and the girl handed him Ellie's shirt. I watched through slits as he put it back on her. What is his _deal_?

"Whatever, man! Tell her I'll call her tomorrow."

I thought Ellie said her friends were cool. From what I've seen, they're nothing but a bunch of fags and bastards.

**Hazel**

"Here you go, sweetie."

She opened my eyes slightly and looked into my worried eyes. "Where am I?" she asked groggily.

"You're in Jimmy's bedroom. You're going to stay here tonight."

"I want to party."

"Everyone's going home now. Honestly." It was the truth. It was already going on 3:30 in the morning and everyone was either passed out on the floor or on their way home. Ashley and Craig had both stayed sober in case anyone needed a ride home.

"Ryan?"

"Ryan went home, sweetie."

That jerk. I didn't like the looks of him. The way he was undressing Ellie and getting on her in front of everyone was enough to make me sick. I don't know, maybe it was because he was drunk, but something about him made me squirm.

"I want my clothes off," Ellie whispered. She started tugging at her top.

I grabbed her hands. "Okay, relax. I'll do it."

I lifted her top and helped pull it over her head. Next I reached behind her and unsnapped her corset, letting it fall next to her in the bed. Her skirt slipped off next and then her capris. Her shoes had already been discarded on the floor.

The door flew open and Paige stumbled in. She was a _little_ tipsy, but in the right state of mind enough to know what was going on.

"Woah, Haze. I didn't realize you were batting for the other team these days."

"Oh, shut up. She wanted her clothes off. I really don't feel like arguing with her."

"I figured you'd go for someone with a little more of, uh, _the girls_." Paige giggled and sat on the bed next to Ellie.

I laughed, too. "You're going to wake her up. You know she'd go crazy if she saw you first thing."

"Well, I am just so tired, I might just pass out right here."

"Go ahead. Jimmy and I are going to be too busy cleaning up to sleep tonight."

Paige used her toes to slip her shoes off and collapsed onto the bed next to Ellie. "Yeah, well, I'd help you, but if I don't sleep right now, I think I'll get sick."

"By all means, go to sleep now. I'd rather not clean up your puke."

"Gee, thanks, Aden. Love you."

"Love you, too."

Paige snuggled underneath the covers, and I helped a passed-out Ellie get settled into the bed, herself. She rolled over with a slight moan and opened her eyes. "Paige?" she whispered.

Paige's eyes flew open and she rolled them at me. "Yes, Eleanor?"

"It's Ellie, you bitch."

Ah, drunk and out-cold and _still_ has an acid tongue. You gotta love her.

"Well, I'd love to stay and bond with you, too, but duty calls."

I blew a kiss at Paige and left the room. I hope both Ellie and Paige pass out real soon, or I think blood will be shed. _That _is one mess I don't want to clean up.

**Paige**

"What happened tonight?"

I groaned and turned to face Ellie in the dark. "There was a party. Jimmy's party."

"Oh." She was silent for a moment. "Okay. I remember."

"Good, so if you don't mind, I'm going to sleep now." I closed my eyes again and sighed happily. Now, if she'd just _shut up_, I could be asleep in like- five, four, three, two,-

"Where's Ryan?"

"Who the hell is Ryan?"

"My boyfriend."

"I have no clue. Go to sleep."

"Okay."

Ha! Ellie Nash taking orders from me. Sweet!

"Paige?"

Dammit! "_Yes_?"

I was starting to get a little testy. Never argue with a tipsy Michaelchuck. Not to mention, a tired one.

"Is Sean here?"

"Sean? I have no clue."

"Will you find out?"

"Honey, Sean has a girlfriend now. If I recall, you set them up. So stop trying to get him into your pants."

Silence. Ah, silence is golden. That's a saying, right? I think so. I'm sure I shut her up with my last comment. It's so true, though. I've never seen a relationship as tortured as theirs.

All of a sudden I heard a sniffle.

Oh my God. Don't _even_ tell me she is crying.

Sniffle. Sniffle.

"Ellie? Are you _crying_?"

"_Noo!_"

She is. She is so crying. How embarrassing. I heard that some people get overly emotional when they're drunk, but I didn't actually believe it. Until now.

"I don't like him anymore."

"Who?"

"Sean!"

"Yeah. Sure."

"I _don't_. He belongs with Nikki. And I have Ryan. I wish people would just let us be friends and be happy with it."

I buried my head deeper into the pillow. "Fine, you're friends. That's it. I'm okay with it."

Anything to shut her up.

"Thanks."

Thanks? "Thanks for what?"

Ellie looked at me with sleepy golden eyes. "You know. For... helping me."

My eyes widened, and I looked back at her in surprise. Did she actually just _thank_ me for turning her in to Ms. Sauve? I never thought I'd see the day...

"Well, you're welcome."

"Really. You really helped me. And I was just a bitch to you."

Is she serious? I stared at her a little longer as her eyes fluttered and she fell asleep. She'll forget all about this in the morning. She won't remember thanking me. And I probably won't remind her. But for about one minute, Ellie Nash and I, we were on the same wavelength. It didn't feel too bad.

**Ellie**

I groaned and turned over in my bed. Wait, I don't have flannel sheets. Am I at Ryan's? I know I'm not at Sean's. My eyes fluttered and I looked through my eyelashes at the room. The curtains were drawn, so I couldn't see too much. A few posters of rap artists, some baseball and basketball stuff in the corner, a bookshelf full of cds and books, a lap top computer... Ah, the incriminating evidence: a framed picture of Hazel and Jimmy, the owner of the room. I closed my eyes and snuggled deeper under the blankets. Okay, so I'm just in Jimmy's bed.

Wait. I'm in Jimmy's bed.

Did we? No way!

I sat up quickly. Oh. My. God. Why do I not have a top on? What's going on? Did Jimmy and I hook up? I would have never hooked up with Jimmy. I'm not some monster who destroys relationships. Please God, do not let me have hooked up with Jimmy. I'd never forgive myself.

I looked to my left and saw a form underneath a mound of blankets. I took my hand and lightly shook it. "Jimmy?" I whispered softly.

"Jimmy!" I echoed, louder this time.

"Mmmmm," a voice growled.

Was that Jimmy? It did sound manly... It just didn't really sound like Jimmy.

The form rolled over and blonde waves whipped across the pillows. "What Nash?" Paige snapped throatily.

"Ahhhh!" I screamed, jumping out of bed and covering my chest up. "What the _hell_ are you doing in here?" I jumped from one foot to the other. Seriously, what is she doing in the same bed as me? The same bed where I am practically naked, save my underwear. And, hell, these panties are sexy enough.

Paige smiled crudely and raised herself up on one arm. "What's the matter? Lesbian action not good enough for you? I thought you had a good time last night, Ellie."

"Ew! Ew! Ew! I would _never_ hook up with _you_, of all people! Where's Jimmy?"

"Sorry, _hon_, but you didn't hook up with Jimmy last night. He _does_ have a girlfriend. You didn't even go for him- which surprises me, seeing as you were acting like a grade A slut at the party."

"Shut up! I was not!" Was I? I can't even remember anything. I put a hand to my throbbing head. I remember Ryan picking me up, hanging out and talking with Sean, Nikki, Marco, Devon, and Craig. Then I talked to Ashley. I saw Emma and Manny. I danced with Nate. And that's where it ends.

Paige got out of bed and took a look in the mirror. "Ugh. I look horrible after a night of drinking. At least I'm not as disheveled as _someone_, though. You might want to put a shirt on or something. The malnutritioned gamine look doesn't do it for me."

"What are you _talking_ about?" I bent down and looked around for my clothes, covering my chest with one hand.

She just yawned and scratched her head. "Well, I'm going to go now. My mom's probably wondering where the hell I am. I'm sure Jimmy can give you a ride home or something."

I sat down on the bed and laced up my corset in the back. I hate not knowing what's just happened. Especially when I wake up naked in a strange bed. With another girl. A girl I loathe.

Paige started out of the room, but put a hand on the frame and stopped. "Hey, Ellie?"

"Yeah?" I muttered, concentrating on slipping my leather skirt up my legs.

She squinted at me. "You don't remember _anything_ from last night?"

I scanned my memory for something I could give her. But nothing. Nothing at all. "No," I responded truthfully.

She sucked on the inside of her cheek for awhile. "Cool. Well, see you later Freakbag. Oh, and how about you go eat something? Just the sight of you makes me sick."

I gave her a bitchy look and slipped my heels back on. For a second there, I thought she was going to say something _nice_. Who the hell am I kidding? Paige Michaelchuck will never be nice to girls like me. We're just some game for her to play. She pretends as if she cares about us and then she spends the rest of her life making ours miserable. She can say as many nice words as she wants to me, she can tell Ms. Sauve whatever she wants, she can let me sit with her and "her" friends at lunch, but she doesn't really care. I'll always just be someone who's beneath her. Someone not worthy of her time.

**Okay, I'm lost as to what I want to happen in the last chapter. I'm thinking of making it skip ahead about two weeks to the Christmas Concert. And then the kids will be on Christmas Break and there are going to be some great Sean/Ellie, Ryan/Ellie, blah blah blah scenes. What you think about that? Thanks for the reviews. Hope you guys liked having Jimmy/Hazel/Paige/and Nikki's POVS. **


	37. First Time For Everything

**Chapter 37: First Time For Everything**

**Ryan**

I shivered a little and crossed my arms across my chest as Ellie continued to look in the window. She was engrossed in staring at these earrings- ones she said would be perfect for her mom. It was two weeks after the party at that _chump's_ place. Ellie keeps telling me he isn't a bad guy, but I don't believe her. What kind of nerd kicks people out at a party? It's a party!

"Come on, Ellie... I thought you were mad at your mom anyway?" I pressed up against her back, trying to annoy her enough that she'd just forget about them.

"Ryan, it's Christmas! Anyway, I'm not mad at her anymore. You can't be mad at someone for saying the truth, right?" She pressed her forehead lightly against the glass and nodded. "She would love these earrings. Okay, let's go in."

"Finally!" I pulled her into a spontaneous hug and kissed her all over her face. "We should have just gone in, in the first place."

"You are so _fun_ to shop with- complaining and all!" she gave me a smirk and led me into the store. I stood back as she talked with a salesman and watched their interaction. The salesman had a crocodile smile on as he pulled the earrings out of the front display and wrapped them in a box.

"One of a kind," Ellie smiled as she walked towards me.

"What?"

"The earrings. They're one of a kind. My mom's going to like them even more, now."

I shook my head in amusement and hooked an arm around her neck, drawing her closer to me. "So, what do _you_ want for Christmas?"

"I don't care."

"That's not fair. I told you what I want."

"I know. But I really don't know."

"How about a surfing lesson when the weather gets warm?"

"Sweet. Very thoughtful. _But_... you know how some people have an insane fear of what is _in_ the ocean?"

"Yeah?"

"That's me."

"That's crazy! The ocean is harmless."

"Oh yes... tidal waves, sharks, _anglerfish_... all very harmless."

"Anglerfish?"

She stopped and faced me. "The creepy fish with the fishing pole stuck to their head? It has a light on it to attract all other fishies. And when they get close, they see the huge, pointy, nasty teeth of the predator that's about to eat them. I did a report in the sixth grade on an article about the deep ocean. Ever since then... never again." She shuddered and laced her fingers through mine.

"Like you said, the deep ocean. We wouldn't have to go out too deep. You'll be safe- especially with me." I puffed out my chest and tried to appear macho. It didnt't really have the effect I wanted it to.

"Yeah, well, any part of the ocean doesn't really cut it for me. When I was in seventh grade, I went to the beach with my parents. I was swimming out in the ocean- actually, I was just floating on this raft- and I got down to walk back onto the beach, and, as I'm walking, I step on a stingray. The last thing I remember is seeing that tail come up and get my leg. I passed out after that."

I couldn't resist a laugh, "You have a story for everything. So, I'm guessing you're terribly afraid of rays now?"

"No," she shrugged. "Not really. I actually like them."

"That makes no sense. _You_ make no sense."

"I've been told that before," she leaned her head against my shoulder and sighed happily.

I think I'm just starting to realize this- but Ellie's really starting to fall for me. I have the complete power to make her happy or sad or angry or... whatever feeling I want. It's a rush really. I don't know how far we'll go since I've never been one for long, serious relationships, but I'm having fun as of the moment. Who knows, maybe she'll be my first serious relationship. I could see it.

**Ellie**

"So, ice- skating is kind of like roller skating. Except, it's probably harder. I don't know. I'm awesome at ice-skating, so try and keep up with me," I finished tying my other skate and clapped my hands on my knee. "Okay, you ready?"

Ryan shrugged and stood up, wobbling a bit. "Yeah, I guess. How do you walk on these things?"

"Well, there are actually these covers you can put over the blades so you can walk, but, they don't have those here. So, we just have to tough it out. The rink is like three feet away. I think you can make it."

He rolled his eyes and held on to my arm so hard I thought he was going to break it. We slowly made our way to the edge of the pond and then onto it. "There. Okay, now, you just glide like you do when you roller-skate. Like this..." I skated out onto the rink gracefully.

Ryan pushed one foot forward. "Hey, this isn't so hard."

And then he fell. I covered my mouth with my hand and bit on my glove to keep myself from laughing out loud. There's really nothing funnier than watching someone fall when ice-skating- especially if it's a guy and he's tried to act all strong and tough. I skated back to him and put my hands out. "Here, let me help you."

"No, I got it... Okay, no I don't. Yeah, help me."

I grabbed onto his hands and tried to pull him up, but I couldn't. "Damn, Ryan. What have you been eating lately?"

"I think you're just weak."

"No, okay, you have to _help_ me pull you up."

I tried again, but no luck. This time, though, I fell over on top of him. He wrapped his arms around my black pants and snuggled his face into my leather jacket. "I like it better like this. No risks."

I laughed and slapped playfully at his shoulder. "Come on! I really want to skate," I stood up. "Try getting on your hands and knees and getting up."

After a few tries, Ryan managed to shakily pull himself to his feet. I helped steady him and then grabbed his hand. "How about I just pull you along?"

He agreed and the rest of the hour was spent with me pulling him along behind me at a slow pace. He never got a hold of ice-skating. If anything, he kept getting worse and worse. We collapsed on the benches near the rink, shivering. I took my gloves off and rubbed my hands together.

"One thing I'm good at- buying hot chocolate. Want some?"

"Hot apple cider?"

"Sure. I'll be right back."

He kissed my cold cheek, his lips warming them up immediately. Two minutes later, he sat back down two steaming cups in his hand. "Here's the apple cider," he placed it in my shaking hands and I held it there, letting it warm me up.

"Are you coming to my concert this weekend?" I glanced up at him hopefully. I had told him about it last week. And the week before.

He gave me a confused look. "That's _this_ weekend?"

"Yeah, Sunday."

"Damn, Ellie. I totally forgot it was this Sunday. For some reason, I thought it was next. I told Brice that I'd go skiing with him."

**Ryan**

"Oh, okay," she muttered. I could tell it wasn't okay, though. She was doing that thing with her mouth- that thing she does when she's pissed off. When she screws up her mouth like that, it's the scariest thing in the world. That's when you know she's very angry.

"Sorry..." I offered. What am I supposed to do, though? I promised Brice I'd go on this skiing trip with him. Brice has been my friend longer than Ellie's been my girlfriend. Plus, skiing or going to see someone sing? Come on, no one in their right mind _wouldn't_ pick skiing.

"Whatever. I'm kind of tired. I want to go home."

"Are you serious?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" she shot back, standing up quickly. Her apple cider jostled over and spilled onto her pants. "Look what you did!"

I rolled my eyes. Now I'm getting angry. "Stop blaming me for your mistakes. Fine, I'll take you home."

"Good!"

"Good!"

She tore off her skates and stuck them underneath her arm. I worked hard to get mine off just as fast, but didn't have much luck. I slammed them down on the rental counter and chased after her. "Slow down, El. Some of us had to return our skates. Some of us don't have our own pair."

"Screw you! I don't even know where that came from."

I shrugged and caught up with her. "Me neither. Come on, Ellie... Don't make me take you home. Let's go park somewhere and talk about this."

She shook her head, "No. I don't to go _park_ with you. It's not always about sex, you know."

"I never said it was!" I tried to grab her hand, but she kept it out of my reach.

"You always expect it."

Okay, are we arguing about me missing her stupid concert or me wanting sex? Come on- I'm a teenaged boy! I don't enjoy watching people move their mouths and I enjoy sex. What's wrong with that? "Ellie, please. Let's talk." I put on my best pout and whimpered a little.

She turned towards me. "That's not going to work. I just want to go home, okay? Honestly, I'm really pissed at you because I told you about this concert a long time ago. And I told you how much it means to me. So, if you were a real man, you'd cancel your little skiing trip and come see me."

**Ellie**

"Bullshit!" He shouted. He spat on the ground, and I grimaced at how sick his display just

was. What is wrong with him? I'm trying to give him a second chance here, and he's not taking it. "I'm not canceling just because you're singing one song."

"You are so selfish!"

"I'm not the selfish one here. Any other girl would tell me to go skiing- to go have fun with my best friend- but _you_? It always has to be about you."

I could feel myself starting to lose it. My breathing was becoming rapid, my hands were clenching and unclenching, and my chin was shaking. I had to do something quick before I completely lashed out. "Take me home. _Now_."

"Take yourself home."

And he left. He stalked off towards the parking lot, and I had too much pride to go chasing after him for a ride home. Great, what am I supposed to do now? I'm about an hour away from home. I whipped out my cell phone and called a number I've been calling a lot lately.

"Yo."

"Jay, I need you. Will you come pick me up?" I made my voice sound as pitiful as possible. Really, I was just pissed off.

"I don't have my car. I let Sean take it. He had a date with Nikki tonight."

I could hear some fumbling going around in the background and a girl's voice. It was Alex. Gross, who knows what they were doing when I called. "Okay, I'll just call him."

"He's on a date."

"I really don't care."

I pressed END and punched in Sean's number. He picked up on the third ring. "Hey. What's up?"

"Will you pick me up?"

"What's wrong?"

"Ryan left me. He _deserted_ me."

"Asshole. Okay, I'll pick you up. Where are you?"

"Um... the ice-skating rink in Freemont..." I let my reply trail off.

"Dammit, Ellie... Fine. Stay right there."

* * *

"It's about time!" I huffed, crawling into the backseat of Jay's car. Sean got back into the driver seat and slammed the door shut.

"I don't want to hear it, Nash. We just drove for an hour to get you."

"You're right. Sorry. I'm just a little on edge tonight," I leaned my head against the window.

"What happened to Ryan?" Nikki turned around in her seat and gave me a concerned look.

I rolled my eyes. "We got into a fight. And he left. End of story."

"What about?"

"Stupid crap," I rolled my eyes again to emphasize my point. Yeah, just Ryan being a stupid jerk. Is it really too much for me to ask him to be there for me? I've been talking about this stupid concert for weeks now. I've reminded him about it about five times now. Maybe I'm just being overly emotional about the whole ordeal, but everything has been going so great between us, up until now. And now this had to happen and ruin our good streak. I hate first fights!

"Well, Sean and I went and got something to eat and then we just hung around the mall and he taught me how to get a discount!"

"Huh?" I arched an eyebrow at the back of Nikki's seat.

She turned back around and shoved her blonde waves behind her ear. "You know- a five finger discount!"

"Sean!" I slapped the back of his head. "What are you _thinking_?"

"You should never have told her," Sean kissed Nikki's hand that he had been holding while driving.

"What's wrong? It's just some fun!" Nikki gave me a pretend pout and laughed when my expression didn't change. "Lighten up, Nash."

I shook my head angrily, "Stealing is wrong. And Sean is on student welfare. If he got caught, he'd be put back on probation and have his welfare taken away from him-..."

"And, like I said, lighten up!"

"What'd you steal?"

"Just a few cds and this key ring. Look at it."

I grimaced at the stupid flower key ring and tossed it back to her. "Cute," I snarked.

Sean gave me a look in the rearview mirror and I glared at his reflection. He is so stupid. I can't believe I ever went out with him. I am _so_ lucky to have a cool guy like Ryan now. The rest of the ride home I didn't say anything. I just listened as Nikki and Sean talked on and on about their plans for this weekend and everything else. I considered asking Sean to come to my concert, but vetoed that thought. He'd probably be too busy stealing something to care about some Christmas concert. Whatever. I don't need anyone at the concert.

I threw my purse on my bed and glanced at my answering machine. One message. I clicked play and unbuttoned my pants as I listened to it.

_Hey._

Ryan...

_Look, I'm sorry about tonight. I know the concert is important to you, but I just can't bail on Brice. You know how it is- friends before lovers or whatever that saying is? I swore I'd never let a girl change who I am with my friends. So I'm not. I'll call you to see how it went, but that's all I can offer. If that's not good enough for you, then I'm not either._

I fumbled with the phone a little before dialing in his number.

"Hey... I got your message. Yeah, I made it home. Sean. He was on a date with Nikki. It was fine. It's okay. Like I said, I made it home. So... you're right. You shouldn't have to cancel your plans with Brice just because... yeah... I know how you feel. I feel the same way. Okay, so have fun tomorrow. And call me Sunday night. Bye."

**Sean**

"You are the goofiest girl I've ever met," I mused as Nikki went to stick more fries up her nose. If Ellie had seen her do that, she would have thrown a temper tantrum. But Nikki is so much more relaxed. And that relaxes me.

"So, when's that concert?" she checked the clock on the wall in the diner.

"Seven. We better get going," I reached into my back pocket for my wallet. It's starting to get really thin lately... On second thought... "Come on. Let's go."

"You didn't pay."

"I know."

Nikki put a hand over her mouth and let out a laugh. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. Come on," I grabbed her hand and we stood up together.

"What do I do?" she whispered out of the corner of her mouth.

I flashed her a devilish grin, "Act normal."

We quietly sneaked out of the busy diner and ran down the street towards the bus stop. We ran onto the bus, throwing our change into the cup, and collapsed into a pair of seats, laughing. A few of the older riders on the bus gave us a few dirty looks, but we didn't care.

"That was so much fun!" Nikki wrapped her hands around my arm and laughed into my shoulder. "I can't believe we just did that!"

I hadn't done that for a _long_ time. Not since before I met Ellie. I kind of forgot the rush I get when I do something wrong. Like stealing or not paying for something- wait, same thing.

"You know, Sean, you need a car. It must get tiring having to borrow Jay's all the time."

"What are you saying, Nikki?"

"I say we steal a car next," she giggled.

I shrugged, "That'd be nice, but that's risking a lot there."

"Aw, I thought you were _tough_."

"I am. But not that tough."

"Okay. I'll accept that," she kissed my neck playfully. "I'm excited to see everyone sing tonight."

"Yeah, me too." Not really. I mean, Christmas concerts? They aren't really my thing. I guess I'm just not into Christmas. We never celebrated it back in Wasaga. What's the point when you don't have enough money to give anything? It's not like I believe in the whole message behind the holiday. I'm not a religious person at all. I don't believe in some higher being or any of that crap. You take care of yourself. That's what I believe in. Myself.

I fought back a yawn as Jessica Baker walked off the stage primly after delivering her clarinet solo. So far, I've heard too many clarinets, violins, and oboes for my own good. I rolled my head back and gave a sideways glance at Nikki. Is she seriously enjoying this? Her eyes were closed and she was breathing deeply. I kept myself from laughing and returned my attention to the stage.

I can't even express how happy I am that it's the last act. I blinked my eyes a few times to try and keep myself awake. It wasn't working out too well. I sighed and adjusted myself in the seat, knocking Nikki's arm with my elbow.

"Huh? What?" She was wide awake now. "Did I fall asleep?"

"Yeah," I whispered. I nodded towards the stage and she nodded and settled back into her seat.

"Who's up?"

"Ellie," I marveled as she came out on stage with Craig behind her.

"Oh yeah! I'm so excited!" Nikki squeezed my arm, but I hardly felt it.

The audience grew silent as Craig played a few warm up chords on his guitar. They looked _great_ up there. Ellie smoothed her black leather skirt underneath her as she sat on a stool next to Craig. He looked up at her and gave her a nod. And they began.

Ellie sang the first few lines before Craig picked up on the guitar and joined in the chorus. It was honestly like nothing I'd ever heard before. I'm not one to get all sappy over a song, but their voices were just... I sound so completely idiotic right now. They're voices were great. That's all I'm going to say because if I went on and on about how good they sounded, like I want to, I'd be made fun of for the rest of my life.

Let's just say I've never had chills like that.

There. There's my emo thought for the day.

**Craig**

I strummed the last few chords of the song as Ellie held her last note. She was on. She was _so_ on tonight. Her timing was perfect, her pitch was perfect, the emotion in her voice was perfect, _everything _had been absolutely perfect. I let out a laugh as the audience stood in a standing ovation. This moment was too awesome beyond words.

"You did great!" I exclaimed over the thunderous applause. I grabbed her into a hug and she weakly hugged me back. "You okay?"

"I think I'm going to pass out," she whispered loudly.

I laughed at her wan smile and helped steady her with a arm behind her back. We took another bow, and Angie came running up with two bouquets of roses. I can't believe Joey and Caitlin got me roses. Ellie took the other bouquet and hugged Angie quickly. She was practically beaming at the applause. She's a stage brat. I should have figured it out from the play, but now I really know for certain that she lives for this.

"Someone's not going to pass out now," I mused into her ear.

She ducked her head sheepishly and grasped her bouquet tightly as we walked off of the stage. "The rush got to me. _Now_ I feel like I seriously might get sick... You were awesome, Craig. Truly."

"Thanks," I rubbed her back and hugged her. "So, you think you might join the Downtown Sas?"

"Well, I don't know about the Downtown _Sas_..." she made fun of the nickname I used for it.

It does sound kind of girly. I cleared my throat and said in my manliest voice possible, "Well, uh, I meant the Downtown Sasquatch."

"Yeah, I think I'll pass. But thanks for the offer," she squeezed my hand lightly. "I'm going to go find my parents."

"Okay. Well... it was fun."

"Yeah... Thanks for making me do it."

"You wanted to do it."

"Deep down, yeah. But, I never would have if you didn't push me."

I shrugged and cocked my head to the side. "What are friends for?"

"Friends. I like that," she gave me a small smile. "I'll talk to you later."

And she was gone. I'm going to really miss practicing with her. With her, I was always so inspired to write and create music. I think she might be my Muse. I kind of like the sound of that- Ellie Nash is my Muse. I smiled to myself as I put my guitar back in its case. Who knows- maybe in the near future the extraordinary duet of Craig Manning and Ellie Nash will be back. Maybe in the spring musical or the talent show or maybe we could enter a _real_ competition together... It's like- we're _meant_ to sing with each other. It's like- where would Simon be without Garfunkel? And Sonny without Cher? It just doesn't make sense that we don't create music together anymore. I tapped on my guitar case. Yeah, we'll be back. We're going to take this world my storm one day. I can already see it.

**Ellie**

I let out a deep breath and leaned against the wall. That was hard. That had been extremely hard for me to do. I closed my eyes and tried to gather my thoughts. Would it be like before? Would I, all of a sudden, be the center of attention- be thrown into this whirlwind of popularity and after-school activity? Would I be the lead in the next school play, would I win the talent show, or would I...?

_Oh, shut up, Ellie Nash. Nobody thinks about you as much as you do_.

And it's so the truth. Seriously, I always think that everyone's wondering what I'm thinking or doing or feeling... They're not. Nobody gives a shit about me. I'm so self-involved, it disgusts me. And I complain about Paige? I'm just as bad, if not worse...

"Hey!"

I let out a little scream and turned around. "You scared me!"

Sean shrugged and smiled. "I guess I got to you."

"Dream on," I muttered. I hadn't meant to say it. It just came out. Ugh. _Why_ did I say that? Now I look like the pathetic ex-girlfriend who is desperately living in the past. I wonder if he noticed.

He didn't show any signs that he did. "Can I just tell you that what you did up there was... there aren't any words for it. You were amazing, El."

"_Sure_. Please, don't humor me," I socked him in the shoulder lightly and started walking towards the lobby of the auditorium.

"Will you start giving yourself credit?" Sean wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me in for a hug. "I'm not going to argue with you. You were beautiful. That's it."

"Fine. Where's Nikki?" And how would she feel if she saw you totally feeling my arm up right now? I watched his fingers as they lightly rubbed against my shoulder. _Ignore the chills. Ignore the chills. Ignore the chills._ I tried to stay calm. I don't know why, but his fingers brushing against me just... set something off. I cleared my throat and moved out of his grasp. There. Fold your arms across your chest and do the whole scary, non-approachable thing.

"She left," Sean stuffed his hands in his pockets. "She said she didn't feel good and-..."

"Well."

He gave me a look, "You are seriously hard-up, Nash. Do you find enjoyment out of correcting others?... Wait, I know that answer."

"Harhar. If you must know, yes, it gets my adrenaline going to make sure people notice their mistakes. Especially you. Mr. Tough Guy."

He looked away laughing and then back at me. "Whatever. What are you doing now? Because... well, I rented a movie for tonight, and now I don't have anyone to watch it with."

"Let me guess- Final Elimination Round 3?"

"I own it. Plus, I can't ever watch that with you."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, let me just find Marco and then my parents."

"Marco's handing out some 'after show refreshments' or something equally as gay as that."

"You're charming, you know that?"

"Runs in the family."

I licked my lips and kept myself from beaming up at him. That would be a total mistake. "Okay, well, I'll be right back."

"I'll be here."

I headed over towards the refreshment stand where Marco was hurriedly pouring punch and handing out cookies to people as they left. I was accosted by a group of teachers who praised me for my talent and Mr. Radditch stated I was a fine model of success or something like that. Whatever that means. Maybe I should let him see my freaking arms- then we'll see if I'm a "fine model of success". Instinctively, I made sure my sleeves were down over my arms. There aren't too many scars. Only one new one. I've just been reopening some of the old ones mostly. The new one I made when my mom called me fat that one day. I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to forget that conversation.

"Ellie!" Marco cried out desperately. He handed a bottle of fruit punch to some brunette and came around to my side of the counter. "You were mesmerizing," he whispered as he swept me into a hug and off my feet. Literally and figuratively.

"Thanks," I whispered back, letting my breath tickle his ear. Why am I still trying to pull moves on Marco? All my moves should now be reserved for only Ryan.

"Why didn't you tell me you were so... so _good_? That was _good_. More than good. It was..."

"Okay, Marco. I get it," I looked at our entwined fingers. "So, you want to do something tomorrow? Ryan's gone on a skiing trip with his friend for a few more days. I thought we could do something extremely childish or..."

"I'm thinking that it's snowing right now. You know what that means, right?"

I scrunched my nose up and shook my head. "What?"

"Sledding. _Tons_ of sledding. And then my mom's famous s'mores."

"Since when does your mom make s'mores?"

"Since I said so. And hot chocolate. And, hell, maybe even some lasagna for old time's sake."

"For tradition's sake," I laughed. I hugged him again and kissed him spontaneously on the lips. "Sounds great."

"Ellie Nash, you do realize I'm blushing now?" Marco grinned and put his hand up to his lips. "Devon is right over there. You don't want him to get the wrong idea now, do you?"

I bit my lip and smiled. "I'll call you tomorrow morning."

"Insanely early, please," he drawled.

"Of course. Insanely early."

Damn! My life is like going from starting downhill to racing uphill. Who knew that one little performance could start a chain of great events? Hanging out with Sean tonight, hanging out with Marco tomorrow... Hell, I still have to go find my parents. With the way my luck is going tonight, dad will be moved back in by tomorrow morning!

I wondered around the front lobby for my mom and dad. The crowd was starting to thin out, so I could see easier. There are Emma's parents. I waved politely. There's Paige and Spinner practically making out. Manny and JT are goofing off in the corner. Some teachers, Devon, Darcy, Toby... Maybe they're still in the auditorium. Maybe they didn't see me come out. I poked my head back into the auditorium and looked around. Nope, completely dark. They definitely weren't there. Okay, they're definitely outside in the car. I got my cell phone out of my purse and dialed my mom's cell phone. I'll just talk to her over the phone and tell her I'm going to Sean's.

"Elisabeth Nash speaking," my mom greeted.

"It's me, mom." Can't she read caller I.D.?

"Oh, hi Eleanor. Where are you?"

"I'm still inside the auditorium. Are you guys in the car?" I rummaged around in my purse for a tube of chapstick.

"Car? _Where_ are you?"

I sighed and walked outside for better reception. "In the auditorium lobby. Are you guys I the parking lot? I can come out and talk to you, if you want."

"Why would I be in the car? Darling, I can't really hear you well."

Yeah, what _was_ that noise in the background? I heard a loud bang and my mom gasped. "Ellie, I'm going to have to call you back. The waiter just spilled _everything_."

The call ended. Waiter? What is she talking about? I huffed and dialed my dad's phone. Maybe _he_ could explain everything to me.

"Christian Nash speaking."

I couldn't help but smile at how businesslike my dad sounded. He and mom are really made for each other. They even answer their phones the same! "Hi daddy!" I chirped, feeling like a little girl.

"Hey sweetie! What's up?"

I pulled my coat closer around me and leaned against the wall of the building. "Mom had to end the call. Are you guys at a restaurant?"

"No. I'm not with your mom."

My heart dropped, "You're not? Where are _you_?"

"At the office. I figured I'd work on a few things. You know I'm not one for free nights."

Free nights? What fucking free night? "Free night? Dad, you and mom were at my concert tonight, weren't you?"

Silence.

"Concert?" my dad sounded sick.

I had to keep myself from bursting into tears. He sounded sick. "Yeah, my _concert_. The Christmas concert. The one I sang at?"

"Oh shi- darn. Honey, I forgot all about it. Can you forgive me?"

No. Yes. I don't know. "Yes," I mumbled.

"I'm really sorry. I'm sure your mom is, too. How did it go?"

"Great," I lied. Great, except for the part where you and mom didn't show up.

"I can't believe I forgot. I could have sworn it was _next_ Sunday..."

Just like Ryan. How many times do I have to remind everyone? I slammed my wrist against the building. "Whatever. It's fine, dad. It's not like it was important or anything. It was really dumb, actually."

"Okay, that's good. Okay, well, I really have to get working on this stuff again. How about we have dinner tomorrow? Me and you?"

"And mom?"

He paused. "Okay, and your mom."

Why did he pause? I slammed my wrist against the wall again. "Ow!"

"Ellie, what happened?"

"Nothing. I just knocked into something. Okay, tomorrow. Bye daddy."

"Bye pumpkin."

Honey, Sweetie, Pumpkin, Red, Bunny, Kitten... he has all these nicknames for me. How come I feel like they mean nothing?

**Sean**

"Did you talk to them?" I caught up with Ellie outside. She was sitting down on the auditorium steps.

"What? Oh God, I'm sorry. I forgot you were waiting. Yeah, I caught up with them. They said I was _great_."

She smiled big and that made me smile, too. "Good. For a second, I thought maybe they didn't show and you were upset."

"Of course they showed up! They're my _parents_."

"I know. It's just that you said that sometimes they didn't show up to this stuff. You know, they forgot about it or something."

"Sean, my parents wouldn't have missed this for the world. Let's not talk about it anymore, though. You ready?"

I blinked through the heavy snowfall. "Yeah, you want to catch the bus?"

"And miss walking in the snow? Are you crazy?"

"Maybe," I admitted. I laughed huskily and shoved a hat onto my head.

_On second thought..._ I took the hat off. Ellie likes me better without the hat.

"Is Nikki plucking your eyebrows?"

I gave her a weird look. "No! You're the only one who has ever plucked them. Except me. I did get them a few days ago."

"You _plucked_ them? Yourself? I'm so proud!" she put a hand to her heart and gave me a shocked look.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I muttered. "You taught me a few tricks of the trade."

"Just a few," she agreed.

We shared a smile and went back to walking. Our feet made soft crunching noises in the snow. It was really falling fast. I noticed Ellie didn't have any gloves on. "Don't you have gloves?"

"Forgot them. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" I took her hand into mine and held it as we walked. I wanted to let go. It felt weird. It _shouldn't_ feel weird. This is Ellie. She's like my best friend. For some reason, though, it felt like I was cheating on Nikki by touching Ellie. And that's not how it is.

Ellie gave me an uneasy smile and took her hand from mine. "Seriously, I'm fine." She put her hands in the pockets of her coat and tilted her head up. "I love snow."

"Yeah, it's great." Damn, that sounded dumb.

"So great," Ellie teased. "We'll have to go Christmas shopping soon, Sean."

"Sure," I replied uncertain. Since when am I going Christmas shopping?

"You don't sound excited. It's almost the holidays!"

"Yeah, well, I don't get into Christmas."

My statement made her stop in her tracks. "You're not into _Christmas_? Are you crazy?"

"No. Just... honest."

"Or crazy. Christmas is great, Sean. Trees, lights, snow, family and friends, presents, shopping, _giving_..."

"Spending money you don't have, driving yourself to depression or, even worse, suicide, having to listen to gagworthy songs..."

"_Excuse me_? If you don't recall, your friends just sang a 'gagworthy song' tonight."

"Sorry. You know what I mean."

"No, I don't. Because Christmas is a great time of the year. Don't you like anything about it?"

Her voice was soft and concerned. What's the big freaking problem if I don't like Christmas? Is it a rule? A law? Is there a little piece of official government paper that says everyone must tis' the season or whatever that crap saying is? I don't think so. Maybe I'm just being bitter because I've never _had_ a reason to get excited over the holidays, but is that my fault? I know my parents didn't mean to take that piece of my childhood away, but it was hard having to listen to everyone else talk about Santa Claus and all the presents they got while I sit back and have nothing. Tracker always got pissy about it and whined and cried about not getting presents, but I always kept my cool. I was the cool-headed one when we were younger. How things change...

"I wouldn't know if there's anything I like about Christmas because I've never celebrated it," I admitted. There. Deal with it.

Ellie scrunched her eyebrows delicately, "Wow. I didn't know."

"Yeah, well, my family isn't exactly religious."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Well..."

"Ellie, I really don't feel like I've missed out on anything. So, don't worry about it." I laughed shortly to show her I really didn't care.

"_Sean,_" she groaned in frustration, wrapping her hands around my arm. "What am I doing to do with you? Monday, you and I are going to go decoration shopping, we're going to spruce up your place, you're going to get a tree, and then we're going to go buy gifts for our friends. Okay?"

"No."

"Sean!"

"Ellie! Seriously, do you always have to go and change people? What if I'm fine with being this way? What if I don't _want_ to get a tree and buy gifts?"

I was starting to get annoyed with her know-it-all attitude. As if getting a tree and putting it in my apartment will magically make me love Christmas. Sometimes I can think she is the deepest and most intelligent person I know, and, other times, I see nothing but shallowness.

"Please, Sean? I want you to experience this. Seriously."

"No."

She blocked my path, "Sean. You _are _going to celebrate Christmas with. I won't have it any other way."

"Ellie..."

She rested her cheek against my shoulder and looked up at me with her big eyes. "Sean, you know how stubborn I am. I won't take no for an answer. Give it a try? For me?"

"_Ugh_," I leaned my head back and let out a low growl. "_Fine_. But just because I don't want to see you begging me on your hands and knees."

"As if I would..."

"So, first thing Monday morning, we are starting Operation: Sean's First Christmas. Got it?"

"Whatever."

"Good."

I frowned slightly as we continued to walk towards my place. My first Christmas. I don't even know what to expect. I wonder if Tracker is finally celebrating Christmas with Wendy... Probably. It wouldn't surprise me. I glanced over at Ellie sideways. She had a self-satisfied grin on her face that wouldn't go away. She's so sure I'm going to love this whole holidays thing. I'll show sure. Sean Cameron doesn't change for anybody.

**I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. It's a little longer than the rest. Next chapter- Ellie/Marco and snow fun, Sean/Ellie Christmas shopping, and... a phonecall from Ryan and... maybe an appearance from Dan? Thanks for the reviews!**


	38. I am a Eudaemonist!

**Chapter 38: I am a Eudaemonist**

**Marco**

"Hello?" I answered my cell phone groggily, pressing the side of my head deeper into my pillow. Who the hell was calling at... six in the morning? On the first day of my winter break?

"You're asleep!" a voice accused. "How could you be asleep?"

"It's something called: I'm normal," I smiled sleepily and willed my eyes to open. "And you're not."

"That's not fair. Anyway, get up and get dressed. We're going to start the day bright and early."

"Bright and early is right... Why the hell are you so chipper?"

Ellie let out a soft laugh, " I guess I'm just in the Christmas spirit. You know?"

"Yeah, I know. Okay, _fine_. Give me thirty minutes."

"You get fifteen. See you in a few!"

I groaned as I hung up the phone and buried myself deeper into my warm, soft, comfortable bed... Damn. Why did I agree to get up so early? I should have known it'd be like this. And I was just having a great dream about Devon and a can of whipped cream...

Well. There's always tonight...

* * *

"Ready?" Ellie tugged her Kangol hat lower of her ears.

I tugged at one of her pigtails and smiled. "Sure... Mom! I'm going now!" I called back into the house. My mom bustled over and gave Ellie a warm kiss on the cheek before wishing us well.

"Your mom is so cute," Ellie slowly walked crookedly along the sidewalk, pulling her sled behind her.

I held my sled against the top of my head and looked at her underneath it's rim. "She adores you, you know."

"Yeah... same here. I wonder if a lot of people will be sledding?"

"Considering it's _so early_, I doubt it."

"Yeah..."

We were silent for a few minutes as we walked in the snow. The hill was about a ten minute walk from my house. I affectionately pushed Ellie sideways. She stumbled a little but balanced herself and pushed me back. We continued our little shoving game until we reached the hill. Any other person would have gotten sick of it. Not Ellie. We can always goof off with each other and never get tired of it. I can't even express how much that means to me.

I tossed my sled into the snow when we reached the hill. "Ugh, the only bad part about sledding is having to climb up every time."

Ellie's eyes sparkled, "Remember that time when-..."

"It took you thirty minutes to climb up that six foot hill?"

"It was slippery! And steep!"

"There is _definitely_ no excuse for that. That was pathetic. I couldn't stop laughing."

"You almost peed your pants."

"I had to whip it out right there. So humiliating."

"It was _cute_!" Ellie smirked. I arched an eyebrow and she laughed. "It was _huge_! That's what I meant."

"That's what I thought. Thirty minutes. Damn."

"Hey, don't playa hate!"

"Fo shizzle da nizzle!"

"Fo sheezie ro neezie!"

I racked my brain for some other stupid phrase as I trekked up the hill. "As if!"

"Lame... you be trippin' foo."

"Uh... Tubular?"

"Word to your mother."

"And you just won with that one," I threw down my sled at the top of the hill and bowed down in front of her. "You _are_ the queen of popular slang. I bow down to you."

"Thank you. Thank you. You may stop groveling now."

I stood up and zipped my coat up even higher. "Are you going to go first or me?"

"Hello, we'll go together. What do you take me for? A loner?" Ellie adjusted herself on her sled.

I sat down on mine and steadied myself with my hands. "Okay, on the count of one."

"One," we started together.

"Two," Ellie counted.

"Three!" I pushed off and grabbed her hand quickly as we went off the edge. Now, this hill isn't just some tiny bump in the grass. It's big. It's steep. And it's dangerous. Even better, every year, a snow ramp is built at the end of it. I'll admit- I used to be too scared to go down the hill. Ellie usually had to push me down it or else I'd never work up the nerve. But after awhile, I got used to the intense fear I felt every time I stared down the snowy drop of death.

I hit the snow with a thud. Damn. That ramp _hurt_.

"Ow! Bastard!" I heard Ellie moan as she landed face first in the snow.

I laughed and crawled over to her. "I hope you're addressing the ramp?"

"I sure as hell am. That thing is a bitch! I forgot how much it hurt," she giggled and put her hands over her butt. "I think I broke a bone."

"I'm sure we both did. It's almost too painful to go through again..."

"Yeah..."

"Wanna go again?"

"Yeah!"

**Ellie**

I pulled my hat off and placed it on the washing machine. "How's my hair?"

"Hideous."

"Yeah, yours too." He immediately started patting it down, causing me to laugh at his utter vainness. "Just kidding... well, not really."

"Marco? Ellie? Are you home?" Marco's mom's sweet voice called out as she entered the kitchen.

"In here, ma!" Marco poked his head out of the laundry room and waved at his mom. "Can you make us some hot chocolate?"

"And s'mores and lasagna, right?" she laughed and started tying an apron around her waist. "I'd be happy to!"

It must be nice to have a mom who will make you snacks after school and be little Suzy homemaker. I can't remember the last time my mom met me after school with a plate of cookies and a drink. She was usually in her office at the house doing business or over at the design firm. She never asked me how my day was or if I had met any cute boys at the latest party or whatnot. This is why I love coming over to Marco's house. His mom will take care of me and treat me as if I were her own daughter. I think she misses not having a daughter.

Marco and I ran up to his room to hang out while his mom fixed our meal. He threw me a pair of old sweats and a t-shirt to wear while my other clothes dried. "So, have I told you what my newest mission is?" I muffled as I pulled a t-shirt over my head.

Marco walked back out of his closet with another pair of jeans on. "No. I don't think I want to know either..."

"Oh please... you should be glad I hooked you up with Devon."

"And I am. Really. I'm thankful that you can be nosy sometimes."

I grinned and sat on his bed, my hands in between my knees. "Well, I'm getting Sean in the Christmas spirit. It turns out he's never celebrated Christmas before."

"Wow. And he's going along with this?"

"Sure. Why wouldn't he?"

"Oh, I don't know... Maybe because Sean's just as stubborn as you are? He doesn't seem like the type to get all misty eyed over Rudolph and stockings over the fireplace..." Marco smirked at me in the mirror as he ran some gel through his hair.

I shrugged and fell backwards. "He's not _too_ happy, but, you know me. I can be pretty convincing. I just think it's a shame he's never taken part in it."

"That's his business, though."

"Marco, who's side are you on?"

"I didn't realize there were sides... and that I had to pick one."

I bit my lip and stared at his navy blue ceiling. "I'm just trying to make everyone's life a little better. You know how I am- a Eudaemonist, through and through." I played with one of my braids as I stared at the ceiling- thinking of the statement I had just made. My own little confession.

"Euda-what?" Marco jumped onto the bed next to me and laid on his stomach, turning his head to stare at my profile.

I continued to play with the end of my braid. "A Eudaemonist. Someone who finds happiness is a moral obligation. It's a way of ethics, Marco. I think the happiness of everyone should be at the center of ethics."

He gave me a smile, "That's you alright... Always looking out for everyone else. Especially helpless boys like me."

"You're giving me too much credit. I just try and do the right thing."

"Too much credit? Ellie, you stick up for me no matter what. You gave a year of your life to me. I can't say that about a lot of people. You're so much better than this world."

I blushed and played with the ring on my finger. I stopped touching it when I realized it was the promise ring Sean had given me. Why am I even still wearing it? And why does Marco have to go and make a statement like that?

"But, you know you can't make _everyone_ happy. Right?"

I sucked on the inside of my cheek and shook my head. "I _can_. Honestly."

He sighed and moved closer to me so he could rest his head on my chest. I stopped playing with my own hair and resorted to lightly pulling at his. Sometimes I can almost imagine that Marco isn't gay and we're more than just best friends. That we can fully own up to being soulmates and be _together_. Girlfriends and boyfriends lay like this. They play with each other like we do. I don't know why I torture myself like this- by living in the past. Marco can't help that he's gay. And he's obviously over me. So why can't I fully be over him?

To answer that question- I have to look at the past. My past experiences with boys have been many and shallow. There have only been a handful of boys that I can honestly say loved me. Every other guy has just been in it for the action. They just get what they want and leave right after and _hurt_ me. The worst part: I let them.

I let them walk all over me. I knew their intentions. I knew they were just looking at me because I was easy. I had the body, the reputation, the experience, the attitude- everything. I had all the makings to be one hell of a pathetic whore. I even had the freaking motive- how else was I supposed to afford drugs without my parents wondering where all this money was going to? God, I was just a two-bit slut. I was generic.

It hurts to think that boys could just line up and come to me and my parents didn't even notice the guys walking in and out of the house. Any other parent would wonder why their daughter was having guys over constantly- each one leaving after a good fifteen minutes. A half an hour if I was lucky. They didn't ask once. They were probably either not home or too busy looking at fabrics and paint colors and stocks to care.

I remember Denny Shane was the first boy to tell me that he loved me. He was ready to climax and he whimpered it. I couldn't believe that he had said he loved me. I begged him to say it again- and he did. From then on, every guy had to tell me that he loved me. That way I didn't feel so dirty. If two people love each other, why can't they express it through sex, right? Them whispering they loved me in between kisses made every wrong thing I did right. And as soon as they were finished, they would throw fifty or sixty or, damn, even just twenty dollars at me and leave.

I blame it all on them. Them and their careless whispers. They didn't love me. They didn't really care about me. I never had deep conversations with them or hung out with them at lunch. I never went on dates with them. I just hooked up with them after school or at parties. And my pursuit for love and true happiness forged on. And each week it landed me with a different guy.

And then the guys that truly cared for me... I just fucked it up with them. I don't know what's wrong with me. Seriously. I _don't know_. I put all my trust into these guys that I _know_ will hurt me, and I purposely wreck it with guys that want to see me happy. I wrecked it with Zeke and Matt and Chas and Brayden and Marco and Dan and Sean and... Ugh! It's really only a matter of time before I do something to ruin it with Ryan. I'll scare him away. It's like this game I play to punish myself. So _stupid_.

And now I can't let go of Marco because loving him and seeing him with other guys hurts me. And that makes me human. Pain is the only truth, right? Didn't Coetzee say that? God, I'm such a masterpiece. I can remember quotes from books and songs and movies, but I can't have one stable relationship. But every time I forget just _how much_ I feel. And then it just overwhelms me. And then I release it. Really, my curse is feeling too much. And to try and stop that, I slice at my skin. And then I just repeat the vicious cycle.

Feel. Overwhelm. Slice. Feel. Overwhelm. Slice. It goes on and on. If I could only fully embrace my emotions- embrace the love and hurt and fear- then maybe I could make it. At this right, I don't know if I'll be alive by the time I'm twenty-five. I honestly don't know. And that's scary to think about. To _know_ how much you're hurting yourself with your actions and thoughts and feelings and to _know_ that it'll just lead to something bad, but still not be able to keep yourself from doing it or thinking it or feeling it. That's self-hatred, right there. God, I _really_ need Dan's e-mail right now. I'm slipping into that dark space again where all I can think about it how much of a pathetic whorish murderer I am.

"Ellie?"

I broke my gaze from the ceiling and looked down at Marco. He stared back at me with deep brown eyes. "Yeah, Marco?" I breathed. _Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Hurt me. Make me want to die. That's what you're good at._

He brought a hand up and ran it across my cheek. "I- Just- How are you doing?"

How am I doing? How am I doing about what? "Fine?" I offered.

He took it. He smiled and leaned up to kiss me. He was going for my cheek, but I leaned towards him, too. I crashed my mouth against his and barely resisted the urge to just slide my tongue right into his mouth. He kissed me back lightly- friendly. I, however, was dying from his touch.

"Marco! Ellie! The lasanga is almost finished now!"

I was thankful for the distraction. Now I don't have to say anything to Marco. Because if I opened my mouth, I'm sure I'd be pleading with him to kiss me again, to rethink if he's gay, to give me one more shot... Things I've done before. I'm not proud to reveal that. But I did.

I have to let him go. I do. He's my best friend- my soulmate- and that is _all_. He'll never be anything more. It's part of my new plan to be a new me. A new me that doesn't have to cut all the time or do drugs or sleep around. A new me that can have healthy relationships with people, that can handle her own emotions and the pain that can come with them, that doesn't need to snort something up her nose to feel good... Oh God, and I felt so good when I snorted coke up my nose...

I can do this. I can do this. So, this is goodbye to Marco the Could-Have-Been-Boyfriend. And hello to Marco the Best Friend Only. He's with Devon. And he's _happy_. And that's all I really care about. Starting now, I will no longer stare longingly at Marco. I will no longer be jealous if I see him and another boy kiss. I will no longer have the urges to just throw him down, crawl on top of him, and screw him right there. No. I will no longer do this stuff. Starting... Now.

**Sean**

"It's way too early. You know that?" I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my jeans and squinted at the red-haired girl to my left. We were walking down the sidewalk towards Jay's house to borrow his car.

Ellie flashed me a bright smile and shrugged, "It's your first Christmas. Be excited."

"Yeah, except for the fact that I don't _want_ it to be my first Christmas. I'd rather it be just another winter break where all I do is-..."

"Sit around and drink and play video games and watch movies and blah, blah, blah. _I know_. You've only said this a million times before. And, frankly, I don't give a damn."

"Nice use of a movie quote there. Or close enough. I forgot _Gone with the Wind_ is like your _favorite_ movie!" I smiled brightly just like her and jogged ahead as she picked up a snowball and threw it at me.

"If you ever reveal that to anyone, I will neuter you. Anyway, this day isn't about me. It's all about you. So, what do you want to do first? Get house decorations, the tree, presents, what?"

I rolled my eyes, "Wow, I'm just _so_ excited, that I can't choose. How about you just pick?" I couldn't help the sarcastic edge to my voice.

Ellie did that little sigh thing that told me she was really going to pour on the whining soon. "Sean, I can't do this for you if you don't let me! You have to really try. Please?"

Okay, so she didn't whine. It was rather mature. "I'll try, but it's hard when it's so freaking cold!"

She stuck out her bottom lip a little. "That's because you don't have gloves or anything! That should be our first stop. We'll get you a nice winter wardrobe. Hat, mittens, scarf- the whole shebang."

"I am _not_ wearing mittens. Maybe I'll wear the hat. Maybe." I was being difficult. I admit. It's in my nature.

It was her time to roll her eyes and she did so with a smile. "Sometimes I wonder what I saw in you."

"Charm? Good looks? An awesome dic-..."

"Shut up. We're here."

I walked up the short sidewalk to Jay's modest house. He was standing outside with his little brother, watching him as he put the finishing touches on a snowman. "Good job, tyke. Looks just like me," I heard him mutter, as he ruffled his brother's light brown hair affectionately.

"Hey Jay!" Ellie called out. I gave a little nod and Jay returned it.

"'Sup?"

"Not much. Besides Ellie dragging me back and forth across town for stupid shit."

"Haha. Yeah. Well, Kyle, run along inside okay? I'll be there in a sec."

The little boy ran off into the house without protest. Who knew Jay had such a way with little kids? I had to keep myself from laughing at the showing of a sincere Jay Hogart. It's truly something everyone should see for themself. Jay walked us over to his car and jingled the car keys in front of us. Ellie reached for them, but he pulled them back. "No way. Not you, you psycho. I've heard about the way you drive cars."

I laughed as she pouted a little, but got into the passenger seat anyway. I turned to look at Jay, "Well, thanks man. I don't know how long we're going to be."

"You're with Ellie, man. It's going to be all day. But, uh, I got a proposition for you."

I followed Jay away from the car, curious to what proposition he had. The last time I propositioned with Jay, I ended up in jail- with one pissed off girlfriend. I couldn't help but think back to that night when I called her. She really reamed me out... after paying my bail... It doesn't get more devoted than that. I cast a look back in the direction of the car to see what she was doing. Sure enough, she was staring at us. Watching my every move.

"So, we got a tip on a great place for, uh, harvesting a few goods. You know? We got a plan. Are you in?"

"Harvesting meaning stealing?" I licked my lips nervously. Was I really going to get caught up into this again? Stealing a few cds and a keychain is no big deal, but actually breaking into a store? That's big. And dangerous. I have _a lot_ riding on this.

"Yeah, come on, man! You're my wing man."

"What about Towerz?"

"Towerz is clumsy. I need _you_."

I gave another glance back at Ellie. Her gaze was burning a hole into my back.

"Forget about her, man! She has no control over you. You gonna let her change you?"

I almost blushed with embarrassment. Almost. "No way! She doesn't run my life."

"Exactly! Come on. We're going to be rich. I'm talking some nice media equipment here. Big bucks!"

I mulled it over in my head. Yeah, I can do this. It'll be like old times. Old times were good. I wasn't so confused and so... _good_. "I'm in."

"Yes!" We did our little handshake and gave each other a one-armed hug. Things are going to be like old times now. Yeah, it's time for a change. No more of this goody-two-shoes Sean Cameron. It's time to go back to what I used to be.

**Ellie**

"What was that about?" I shot as soon as Sean slid into the car.

"Woah, calm down. He just had a problem with... Alex. He wanted some advice."

"And he asked _you_?" I crossed my arms and huffed. "Why didn't he ask me?"

"It's going to be okay, Nash. Don't have a cardiac arrest over it."

"I love when you talk medical terms."

He chuckled and turned the heat up. "Okay, where we going?"

"Go to Wayman's. You need some winter essentials."

"You're acting as if this is the first time I've experienced snow. I _have_ been through winter before."

"Whatever," I turned the radio up and grinned. "When you start celebrating Christmas, you see things in a whole different light. I can't wait for you to see it, too."

"Whatever," He muttered and turned the volume up to drown me out. I gave a slight frown, but forgot about his rude move soon enough. It's not his fault he's never done this before. He pulled into a parking spot and shut the engine off. "Are you going to make this as painless as possible?" he asked, staring out the windshield.

"Um, _yeah_?" What is his deal? He acts as if I'm sending him to a death sentence. It's a little shopping. He should be _happy_ I'm sharing this with him. And that I'm paying for his damn Christmas. I'm trying to share with him something that is very special to me and he's giving me this whole big attitude like he's too tough for this or something. What happened to the _sweet_ Sean who would do anything for me? I miss that Sean.

Two hours later, Sean walked out of Wayman's with three new hats, two pairs of gloves, a new winter coat, and a few new hoodies (to keep him from bitching and griping). "See, that wasn't so bad!"

"Yeah, just a little _embarrassing_. If you put that stupid scarf around my neck one more time, I was going to go psychotic."

I grinned impishly and opened up one of his bags. "I think you should wear your new winter coat." I started ripping the tags off and unbuttoning it. The coat was an awesome black, silver, and white Spyder coat. Okay, I'll admit- I bought myself a new coat, too. Kind of like Sean's, but with a touch of light blue on it. I can't help it, though. It was screaming my name.

Sean grumbled as I started unbuttoning the old coat he was wearing now. "I can do this myself, you know... Come on, I look ridiculous... I'm not a little boy..."

"Hush," I looked up at him and smiled as I slowly unzipped his old coat. "You're going to look hot."

"_God_! Stop acting as if we're still going out or something!" he ripped out.

I froze midbutton and backed away. "What?"

"You! You always act as if we're still a couple. You never leave me alone! Well, guess what- we're _not_ going out. I'm with Nikki. You're with Ryan. That's how it is."

It took every fiber of my being to keep myself from hitting that stupid look off of his face. How dare he say that _I_ act as if we're still going out? I'm the one setting him up with other girls! I'm perfectly fine with us just being friends- he's the one who wanted more out of it and... Argh! "Sorry if I came off that way, but that's not how I mean it. I'm just trying to help you out."

"You bought me a coat. You've helped me out enough. You don't need to put it on me now."

"I was just joking around. Don't take everything so seriously."

"Coming from you- the Princess of Serious."

"Let's not fight. Let's just do more shopping. Come on." I resisted the urge I had to grab his hand and pull him along. After all, that might be a boyfriend/girlfriend move. Ugh. The audacity he has to tell me I'm hard up for him and desperate? That's clearly what he was saying. How dare he act as if I'm still living in the past? I'm fine with how things are between us. In fact, things couldn't be better.

Except, there's one question that's been burning a hole in my head lately.

My whole goal in life is to make everyone happy, right? I mean, that's the measure of success in life- by how happy you are. And I'm not going to get into all the details of my code of ethics and all that crap, but, basically, everything goes back to how happy someone is in the end. So...

Is Sean happier without _me_?

**Okay, so it took me awhile for this chapter- school has been hectic and I'm just getting over a case of bronchitus. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Next chapter will have Sean/Ellie actually shopping for Christmas stuff, Ryan will come back, and, if this chapter wasn't a big enough hint already, Ellie's going to be losing control of some stuff. Ideas/Reviews always welcome. Oh, and I think I will put in a liberty POV for the reviewer who asked. Thanks!**


	39. Get It All Out

**Chapter 39: Get It All Out**

**Sean**

I sighed and looked at her out of the corner of my eye. I hurt her. I didn't mean to. I didn't

even mean to say anything like that- but I did. And now I'm going to pay. Her jaw is clenched, her lips are pursed, and her eyes are searing. She's thinking of ways to kill me, I just know it. When you date someone for as long as I dated her, you memorize every look and its meaning.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out. I hadn't wanted to apologize so easily, but I can't stand the thought of her being mad at me. "I didn't mean what I said."

Silence. I can tell she's mulling it over in her head. She looks perplexed and pensive and like she's ready to break any minute. She's going to give in and forgive me. She _has_ to. That's what she does.

"Fine."

I knew it.

"But don't ever say that again. I _know_ we're not dating anymore. Don't even act like I'm some pathetic girlfriend hanging onto the past."

"Okay, I'm sorry. Really."

"Whatever. Take a right here. And then pull into that parking lot. We're here."

I followed her directions and got out of the car, running to her side to open the door for her. She accepted the gesture and gave me a small smile. She's still pissed, but she's going to get over it.

"So, what's 'here'?"

"'Here'," she began. "Is your one stop place for just about everything Christmas. Sean, we're going to load you up with lights and ornaments and a nativity scene and..."

"And a loaded pistol?" I joked.

She didn't find it funny. In fact, she looked furious. "Will you please just stop making fun of it for one second? Give it a shot!"

"I was _joking_. Sort of," I shot back defensively. "Since when are you the Holiday Nazi?"

She flipped her ponytail behind her shoulder and stared me down with hands on hips. "I don't appreciate you calling me a 'Nazi'. It sounds a lot like you're comparing the Holocaust to me giving you a Christmas- which, in itself, is a huge insult to-..."

"Lay off! Jesus!" I pulled at my hair and pushed past her. "I didn't mean anything by it. So, just back off."

"Fine. Wait up for me," she grabbed a big shopping cart and ran to catch up with me. Like I wanted to be seen with her. "Okay, I say we should get lights first. They're right here."

I followed her to an aisle filled with boxes of lights. There was just about every kind of light you could think of. Ellie appeared at my side, a few boxes in her arms. "Here. We have some regular white lights, some regular colored lights, and a few sets of some funky lights- colored, icicles, little balls... Okay?"

"Whatever," I shrugged. I couldn't understand what she was talking about. I looked at my watch discreetly. Damn. We've only been here for five minutes. How in the hell did she find all those lights in under five minutes? She's crazy. That's really all there is to it.

"Okay! Now ornaments!" I sighed as she dragged my arm with one hand and pushed the cart with the other. She's like one of those moms in the grocery store that is just _everywhere_ at once. They push their carts like they're in some race, they mow everyone over in their path, and are constantly looking for their five snot-nosed kids. Yeah, that's Ellie right there. But instead of kids, she's looking for some stupid ornament.

**Ellie**

"Aw, look, Sean!" I held up a box of little star ornaments. "I like these. Don't you?"

"Yeah, they're _precious_."

I rolled my eyes at his comment. I should be used to it by now. I'm trying to help him out here and the entire time all he can do is complain and act like an asshole. He'll thank me one of these days. In a few years when he's putting the star on the Christmas tree while his kids watch- he'll thank me. Better yet, he'll _bow_ down to me. I'll be waiting.

In the meantime...

"These little bells are cute, too. And what about these? And these? Oh, and I really like this shade of blue. That'll look really good with silver and pink and-..."

"_Pink_? I am not having pink ornaments," Sean curled his lip in disgust and sifted through the boxes in the cart. "No guy has pink ornaments. You know better."

"This is _my_ Christmas tree, too, Sean. If I want pink ornaments on it, then we're going to have pink ornaments on it." I wrenched the boxes out of hand and threw them back in the cart, giving him my best don't-mess-with-me look.

"Since when is this _your_ Christmas tree?"

"Since I came up with the idea to give you your first Christmas."

"What if I don't want it to be your tree, too?"

"Tough. Because it is. And I can't believe you'd be so selfish as to-..."

"Argh!" Sean mimicked choking me. "You really know how to piss someone off, Ellie. Fine. It can be your tree, too. I don't see why you have to have _two_ trees, but whatever."

I rolled my eyes and started looking through the ornaments again. Did he honestly think I wasn't going to partake in his Christmas? It's my entire idea! My parents probably won't even be home for Christmas. They haven't talked about it too much. I've been waiting for a time when both of them are available so we can decorate the bare tree that's just sort of sitting around in our living room.

"Why don't you want me to take part in it?" I asked nonchalantly. Really. Why not? Am I that horrible of company that he can't stand to be around me? Sean's changed. Before he loved to be around me- I was his best friend. Now he's acting as if he's just too tough to hang out with me. I really don't like it.

He shrugged and looked rather embarrassed. "I don't know."

And he didn't know. He was telling me the truth, I know it. "Well, that's sad," I commented. "To not want to be around someone for no reason at all. Especially someone who has done so much for you. How soon we forget, huh?"

I was laying on the guilt _thick_. He deserves it, though. I'm not going to sit down and take his stupid attitude any longer. I heard him sigh behind me and felt his arm creep around my waist, pulling me towards him.

"You really know how to make someone feel bad, don't you?"

"Yep," I answered distractedly. Those snowflake ornaments are pretty damn beautiful. But is Sean one for beautiful snowflake ornaments? I grabbed a few boxes and placed them in the cart. Who really cares what Sean wants. This is about what_ I _want.

"Sean! Look at this one!" I pointed to a little Nativity scene on display. "I think this one is perfect."

He muttered something under his breath and appeared by my side. "Yeah, Jay will just love that."

"I don't care what Jay likes. I like it. You like it, too. Don't you? Huh? Don't you?"

"No," he responded shortly and walked away. Could he please have a sense of humor? I grabbed a big box that contained the Nativity set and placed it underneath the cart. "I think we're finished. We have lights, ornaments, a tree stand, a skirt, a star for the top, fake snow, some other decorations, a wreath, and the Nativity scene. Now all we need to do is get the tree, get some presents, and a Christmas sweater for you..."

I give Sean three seconds before he realizes I just said a Christmas sweater. And then he'll take three seconds to try and keep himself from shouting. It'll take him one second to blow up.

"_Christmas sweater!_ What the hell are you talking about?" He snapped, eyes flashing. "I'm not wearing some fucking sweater with Santa Claus or Frosty on it."

I let out a little laugh and kept pushing the cart past him. "I was kidding. Lighten up."

"I wish you'd stop doing that. You're really on the edge."

"Oh yeah? And what are you going to do?"

"I'll smash everyone of these damn ornaments."

I frowned and started putting our purchases on the register belt. I miss Ryan. I miss being able to joke around with him and kissing him and hanging out with him. I'm sure he celebrates Christmas and likes to do so. And I'm 100 sure he wouldn't put on such a big scene if I got him a Christmas sweater. He'd probably be totally into it. That's just who he is- lighthearted, carefree, able to take a joke...

"Ready?" Sean had set the bags back into the cart and was starting to push it outside.

"Yeah." I took back my credit card and stuffed it into my wallet before following him. Maybe I shouldn't make anymore jokes. I should make this as painless as possible, for Sean's sake.

"Thanks."

I gave him a surprised look and he shrugged a little as he smiled. I smiled back and placed hand on the back of his shoulder as I walked with him towards the car, talking about how we'd decorate the tree and his house. He gave a few groans, opened his mouth to say something, but shut it immediately. Maybe this won't be so bad.

**Sean**

"Are you sure?"

"Sean, it's fine!" she handed the cashier her credit card happily.

A looked to my side at the huge-ass tree that was being put into a truck. "And they'll just follow us?"

"Yeah. We pay extra, but... I think Jay would go postal if we put that tree on his car. It'd probably smash it."

"Probably. That wasn't too bad," I admitted grudgingly.

"You were totally into it. I saw how excited you were to chop it down."

"I didn't know I'd actually get to chop it down!" I chuckled and took one last glance at the tree- _my_ tree- that I had cut down myself. Not too shabby. I don't know- I guess it's one of those _guy_ things. We like to destroy stuff. I liked cutting through the wood with the blade.

"Before you yell at me- I'm putting in the Christmas CD I bought because I just want to listen to _one_ song. You'll love it."

"One song?"

"Promise."

"Fine..."

She pressed play and I rolled my eyes at the sappy opening of the song. I guess I'm playing up my annoyance a _bit_ just to piss her off, but this shit is killing me. She's just lucky I consider her one of my best friends. I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel as I drove back to my apartment. Ellie caught sight of me and smiled smugly to herself.

"What's this song called?" I asked.

"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas. It's one of my favorites. James Taylor is singing it in this version."

I smiled as she started to hum along herself. She was trying to keep from singing. I can tell. "You can sing. I don't mind."

"Are you sure? It's Christmas music... you're not going to snap my head off?"

"Nah. I'll let it slide by this time..." I kidded. The corners of my mouth tugged as she started singing softly, her head resting against the window. I must admit- there's something about the snow falling slowly, the soft music, and Ellie's voice that makes this moment remarkably peaceful. So peaceful that I almost don't want to ruin it.

The song ended and Ellie leaned forward to turn the volume down a bit. I stared at her as we stopped at a stoplight. Her red ponytail glistened with beads of melting snow and the sunlight. Gorgeous. I shook my head briefly and cleared my throat. "So, uh, I never pinned you as the type who'd get into Christmas... this much."

She sighed with slight annoyance and rested her head on her hand. "Just because I dress a little differently than Paige doesn't mean I can't like Christmas..."

"It's not just that. It's your whole attitude... You know- sarcastic, know-it-all, a bitch, doom and gloom..."

I meant it to be a little joke (well, some of it), but she didn't take it as one.

"You think you're so funny, don't you? I am _so sick_ of having people tell me that I should different from everyone else. I'll be who _I_ want to be. If I want to like puppies- I'll like puppies. If I want to enjoy a nice, sappy, _historical_ romance- I will. And if I want to celebrate Christmas- than I'll do that, too. Just because I like to wear black and lots of eyeliner doesn't make me some dark, sadist bitch who casts spells in her meantime. I thought you knew that about me."

My hands tightened around the steering wheel. "Sorry. I do. I just... I don't know."

"You're so fully of empty excuses. You never _know_ why you do anything. You want to know all about me? Fine. My name is Eleanor Brynn Nash. I'm a sophomore in high school. I'm the daughter of one of the wealthiest couples in the world. I like to read and write. I prefer fiction because real life is just way too messed up and unbelievable. I can barely watch the news because it _scares_ me. I don't like hearing about bad things that happen. I want to hear about good things. I hate seeing other people in pain or suffering, so I'm usually the first one to reach out. And sometimes people take that for granted. I used to be a better person. I used to have more. I was involved more. Did you know I played soccer? Yeah, I played soccer. Mid-field usually. I played since I was four. I also did gymnastics since I was four. I did ballet and dance since I was four. I did _everything_ since I was four. I danced _Sleeping Beauty_. That was a highlight of my life. My parents didn't see it. I didn't think I cared before. But now, when I think about how I _felt_... Fuck. Sometimes I wanted to put a bullet through my head to get the point across!"

"Ellie..." I started uneasily. I couldn't stand to see her like this. Her voice was low and gravelly and shaking and she looked near tears. She looked dangerous. Unstable. And her eyes... She wouldn't stop looking at me. They were burning a hole through me.

"Don't interrupt me! I'm not finished. I had everything going for me. I did. Perfect grades, the star of the stage, I was known for being more than just some arm-slashing psycho... I had it perfect."

"No one's perfect."

"I _was_! I almost am again. I messed it up. I slowly just chipped away at it, though. And now it's gone. Everything is gone."

"Els..."

"Whatever," she laughed shortly. "It's not like I care."

And then she was normal. She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and looked out the front of the car. She was acting as if nothing had just happened. I swallowed nervously, not quite knowing what to do. Do I mention what just happened? Do I apologize for pissing her off? Do I keep quiet? What the hell do I do? It's not like it's something you can just _forget_... It was like she just had a nervous breakdown or something. I know she has her emotional outbursts or something, but this was different. It was like it was something she had pent up inside of her for years. And just the way she said it... Not even really shouting. Just low and painful.

I parked the car and turn the engine off. Silence. I looked at her. She looked at me. Her teeth slowly grazed over her bottom lip. I swear I can hear my heartbeat.

"I'm sorry," her words were carefully chosen. "I was frustrated. Do you know how hard it is to have someone put you in some kind of label?"

I nodded.

"Yeah, you do, don't you... Yeah... Sometimes I think I'm fine. And then I let it get to me. And I blow up. Bottom line? I'm still a little stuck on things that happened in the past. There are just some things that are hard to get over. And I know I have to get over them, but... It's just difficult. Especially when some things just don't change..." she looked away angrily.

_My parents didn't see it. I didn't think I cared before. But now, when I think about how I felt... Fuck. Sometimes I wanted to put a bullet through my head to get the point across!_ I slid my fingers over her own. "Your parents didn't really come to the concert, did they?"

Her eyes were hard. "No."

I let my head hit the seat behind me. What is their deal? Really. Why are they so selfish? I used to think my parents were the worst parents in the world. Now... I don' t know. "Sometimes I think I could just kill your par-..."

"Watch it. Don't even say it. I love them."

"Then you're crazy."

"Maybe I am. You know? What other explanation is there for me to act the way I do?"

"You're not crazy. I was just saying that. You've hit some bumps. I was starting to wonder when you'd start freaking out. You were always so calm..."

"Not inside. I don't really want to talk about this. Not now. Later. Our tree is waiting for us."

I had to keep myself from laughing. Later. That's funny. There won't be a later.

**Ellie**

I hung up the last ornament. The mood wasn't quite as cheerful as I had hoped. Sean was somber as he slowly twisted the lights around the tree and filled the empty spaces with ornaments. Christmas music was softly playing in the background. Even it didn't cheer me up.

I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut. It's hard, though. I used to do so many things to control this pain I have. I'd let it bleed out or run it through my veins or up my nose. Now I can either let it out or purge it out. I think it was just the whole buildup from the weekend. My parents not being there for me, realizing I _still_ had feelings for Marco, Sean being such a bastard about the whole Christmas thing... I shouldn't be surprised about my parents; I'm getting over Marco to this very moment; and I knew Sean would be like this... And yet I still let it hit me like a ton of bricks. And it seems like there isn't anything I can do about except ask the futile question of Why?

Why am I losing control? I'm a good person. I always have been. I've made mistakes- I'm not going to pretend I'm a saint or anything. So why am I falling apart? My goal in life isn't to make someone else's hell. I haven't committed a crime. I donate my time and money to charity. I help others out. And all I get in return are these thoughts jumbling around in my head constantly.

"Do you want to put the star up?" Sean handed the star to me.

I shook my head. "That's your job."

He stepped up on the little step ladder and reached the star to the highest point. "How's it look?"

"Great!"

We stood back and marveled at our masterpiece.

"Wow," Sean remarked dryly. "It looks a little..."

"Gaudy?" I filled in. I giggled and put an arm around his back. "Yeah, but it's _our_ tree. It's allowed to be gaudy."

"True. So... now what?"

"Well..." I looked around me. The other decorations were set up. The Nativity scene was displayed next to the tree. The lights were up outside. "I don't know."

"Well, it looks like I won't be having anyone over anytime soon," Sean mused. He scratched the back of his head and gestured at the room. "You know, with all this Christmas stuff up. It'd probably scare all of my friends away."

I clasped my hands behind me. "I'm sorry if I'm pushing you into this. I just think that you'll have a whole different view once you get into it. It may seem lame, but it's... important to me. I want to share something with you that's important to me."

He slowly reached behind me and took a hold of my hands, bringing them back in front of me. His thumbs rubbed over the back of my hands softly. "Then share your _past_ with me."

"What?" I whispered throatily. My past? Didn't I already do enough of that in the car?

"Share something _really_ important with me. I want to know about your life. You- you fell apart in the car, El. _You_ don't fall apart. _You're_ the strong one. But something happened back there, and I don't know if it was what I said or if it's just been building up for awhile or what, but I think there are some things you _really_ need to get off your chest. Out of your mind. For good."

I tried to take my hands away from him. I was unsuccessful. "It was nothing. I had a dramatic moment back there. That's all."

"Ellie Nash doesn't lie."

"Well, maybe I'm not Ellie Nash anymore. Not the one you know, at least."

"No, you're the same girl. There's just something going on and you're not telling me about it. I want to know. I care about you. You know that."

I looked away, a slight flush creeping up my face. He's being honest. I know he cares about me. I know it. And, right now, as foretold, I'm going to fuck it up.

"Well, I don't need you to care about me. So, just leave me alone." I ripped my hands from his and crossed them across my chest.

"So, that's it. You spill your guts in the car. And now you're going to push me away. Is that how it works with you?"

I couldn't help but laugh. Could he be anymore of a hypocrite? "_It's how it works with you!_"

He stared at me. "You still can't get over the fact that I wanted a break from us."

"Yeah, a break," I snorted. "And then some."

"I'm sorry. I'm _sorry_. I wanted us to work out, but we just can't."

"You didn't try!"

"I did. But you just want more out of this than I do. You wanted a _baby_."

God! Can he be anymore frustrating? I can't take this anymore. "Listen, I'm going to walk out of here right now. I don't want any of us saying things we don't mean. So, I'm going to leave."

I started to grab my things. I shoved my arms through my coat and zipped it up. As I started towards the door, he pulled at my arm and turned me around.

"Do you give a damn about me?" he demanded.

"What?"

"Do you give a damn about me? Answer!"

What else was I supposed to say? "Yes! Of course I do! This is why I'm doing this whole stupid Christmas thing. Because I care about you and I want to see you happy!"

He was breathing heavily- as if he just ran a mile. "Good. I care about you, too. Now go. And call me tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," I confirmed.

I slipped outside of his apartment and started my way back home. I'm thankful he didn't offer to walk me or called me a cab. I just need time to think. I glanced up at the sky and took in all the snow falling. Since when has my life become such a huge angstfest? Seriously. I wish I could just glide through life while everyone ignored me. That's how it used to be. I could just sit in the hallways, watch everyone walk past, make up stories for them, and live inside my own head. I didn't have to worry about going on dates or having to take care of Sean or getting over Marco or... everything. Just everything. I just want everything to make sense, because nothing in my life is making sense right now. Nothing I say makes sense, nothing I do makes sense, nothing I think makes sense... _Nothing_.

I jumped as my cell phone started ringing. I answered.

"Hey. I'm glad you called. I _really_ need you right now."

**Ryan**

I pulled her towards me in a hug and held her close, stroking her hair. "Shh. It's going to

be okay."

She pulled little grasps of my shirt and buried her head deeper into my chest. Okay. She wasn't crying, so nothing too bad happened. She's just clearly upset about something. "What happened?" I asked, hoping she'd answer me.

"Nothing... Everything... My parents, Marco, Sean..."

"Okay. So, what happened?" I pushed her away and stared into her eyes. She stared back at me, worn out and exhausted.

"I think I've had about three emotional breakdowns in the past few days. Seriously. There's something wrong with me."

"It's called PMSing," I joked. She didn't laugh. "Sorry. Bad joke."

"It's fine... Do you think I'm crazy?"

"I don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Everyone is, though." Damn. She thinks she's going insane. Great. That's all I need. A girlfriend that deserves to be locked away in a mental institution. Now that I think about it, she'd play the part well.

"Have you ever revealed something to someone that you wish you didn't? Even if it's something so trivial, it's still smothering to know you let it out?"

"Honestly? No. What'd you reveal?" Drama queen. She should be on a soap opera.

She brought her knees up to her chest and played with the hem of her pants. "Just dumb stuff. But, still, it's dumb stuff that no one really knew about. And I've always vowed to keep my past a secret, and, lately, I've been spilling everything about it. I don't like it."

"I don't know... It'll be fine. Trust me."

She smiled her first real smile, "I do."

"Good," I shook my bangs out of my face. "Now, I've been waiting all weekend to get you naked and in bed. So... hop to it."

"My mom is awake."

"Who cares?"

She shrugged, "I do. Let's talk more. Wait until she goes to bed."

I pushed her back onto the bed. "Um, I don' t think I can."

I started pulling at her shirt, tugging it over her head.

"Stop."

I continued to slide her bra straps down her shoulders and unclasp it from around her chest. My lips trailed kisses down her neck, to her shoulder, down her arms, to her chest, her stomach, lower and lower.

"_Ryan_."

"Stop being a baby."

Something changed. The next thing I know, she's pushing me onto my back, climbing on top of me, and ripping at my shirt. I swear, buttons popped off as she clawed her way through the material. "Whoa!" I laughed as she furiously unbuckled my belt and whipped it across the room. "Someone's feisty all of a sudden..."

"Shut up," she hissed. The look she gave me was _intense_ and it made me want her even more. She can be a hassle- I'm not going to lie. She gets in her moods, something is always going wrong, she can be a tad dramatic... but it's worth it later on. She's a damn good lover. I moaned as she took me in- only half aware of the fact that I didn't have a condom on. I almost opened my mouth to mention it, but for some reason it didn't seem that important. She's probably on birth control or something like that anyway.

Twenty minutes later I collapsed on top of her, my body glistening in sweat. Damn. "Damn..." I choked out, in between gasps.

"Yeah..." she murmured, running a hand through her hair lazily. She looked bored and out of it. I arched an eyebrow and kissed softly at the base of her neck. She didn't even look at me.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Are you sure?" I challenged. My tone had a bite to it. Was she not affected in the least by me? Was the sex _not_ great for her?

"It's nothing," she pushed me off of her and grabbed her clothes.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like? I'm getting up. I'm thirsty."

"Oh." I lay back as I watched her pull on a shirt and her pants. I couldn't help but notice her protruding rib cage and her pointy hip bones. Whatever. She _would_ be one of those girls that diets all the time or whatever...

I watched as she shuffled out of the room. Something is... off. What happened earlier to make her so shitty? Did she even tell me? I tried to think back that far to when we were talking about it? Had I even been listening to her in the first place? I can't remember a single thing she said. Oh well. It'll pass. I hope.

**Ellie**

I slowly made my way down the stairs. So, that had been awkward. To say the least. Ryan

on top of me, sweating like some pig, making those dumb noises as he came close to climaxing. And I felt nothing the entire time. Hey, but at least I wasn't being a _baby_.

"I didn't realize you were home."

I jumped at the sound of my mom's voice. She looked up from papers at the kitchen table and gave me a distracted smile.

"You wouldn't," I replied airily. Make her suffer for what she did to me this weekend.

She rolled her eyes. She obviously didn't care. "Have you talked to daddy?" I asked timidly. Please say you have. They have to talk if they're going to get back together.

"Huh? Your dad? No."

My heart sank and I pulled open the cabinet door with a strong force. I grabbed a glass and slowly poured the water into it. I watched as the water filled to the brim and then spilled over.

"Ellie! You're making a damn mess!"

I shook my head and saw the water spilling from the counter top onto the floor. "Oh," was all I could manage to say.

"Clean it up," she barked, shuffling her papers. I threw some paper towels onto the floor and slid them around with my foot.

"What are you doing?" I tried to spark conversation with her.

She didn't hear me.

"Mom?"

She just continued to flip through the papers.

"I'm going to go have wild sex now. With that _one boy_. I kind of forgot his name. He gets around. He's 26. Makes a lot of pornos..."

It's not like I was whispering this. I was staring straight at her, talking right to her. She just doesn't hear me. She rarely ever hears me. She reached for the glass to her right. And I saw for the first time that she was nursing a small glass of Scotch on the rocks. I know it's Scotch because I've memorized just about every drink she has ever had. Scotch means she has a lot to do. She's busy. She doesn't have time to mess with trivial things like her daughter.

"_You stupid bitch! Don't you fucking see me right in front of you? I'm breaking apart and you don't even give a damn! I'm ready to take a fucking knife to my arm, and you don't even care!"_

Instead I said goodnight and headed back upstairs. At this point, I just want to feel Ryan's arms around me and hear him tell me that he loves me. Has he even told me yet? I can't remember. I closed my door behind me and turned around to see him fully dressed and grabbing his keys.

"Where are you going?" I hate how my voice sounds like a little girl's.

"I have to get home. I'll call you later?"

"Please stay."

I cringed at how desperate I sounded. Please stay so I don't cut myself. I pleaded with my eyes. I even used sex to try and get him to stay- promising I'd make it worth his time. He declined and kissed me swiftly on the lips before leaving. I collapsed onto my bed, feeling dejected.

I traced the end of my compass down an old scar. A quiet crackling sound came as the sharp point sliced open the closed wound. That sound was so satisfying. A light trickle of blood ran down my arm.

"Oh, Ellie..." I whispered to myself. I did it again. I messed up again. Why did I do this? I was getting so good at controlling these emotions.

The phone rang and I jumped. Who could be calling? I picked it up on the third ring.

"Hey."

"Hey..." I wiped at my arm guiltily and looked around for a band aid.

"I just wanted to make sure you're home safely and that you're okay. We left things pretty bad back at my place."

"I'm good. Where are you?"

"Walking."

"Walking where?"

"Meeting Jay..."

"Oh."

"Are you going to be fine? I can come by later if you want?"

I looked down at my arm. "No, I'm good. I'm sorry about before. I won't snap anymore. Just... you know... my parents didn't show up. It kind of ruined my weekend for me."

"Well... if you want, we can go shopping tomorrow. For gifts. Since we didn't today."

"Sean Cameron is suggesting a shopping trip?"

"I figured it'd help cheer you up..."

"Yeah, well, sure. We can do that. Call me around noon?"

"Yeah. So, good night."

"Good night."

I hung up the phone and climbed into bed, a smile on my face. Okay. You know what? I can do this. The break has gotten off to a hectic start. I've fallen apart- what- three times? I still have my dignity. I have my pride. I can face Sean tomorrow and apologize for my outburst and talk maturely with him about it. I can forgive Ryan for leaving me tonight. I can forgive my mom for having one drink. And I can forgive myself for cutting. _I can do this_. I counted to ten and let out a big sigh. Already a big weight was lifted off my shoulder. The first part of getting over an addiction is admitting it, right? Well, my name is Ellie Nash and I am addicted to... to... I don't even know what. Putting myself in bad positions? Letting others hurt me? Hurting myself? To something. I don't know what yet. But to something. I reached underneath my pillow and pulled out the piece of paper.

My eyelids started to feel a little heavy about halfway through. I kept myself awake long enough to read the end of Dan's e-mail and then drifted off into sleep.


	40. The Good Life

**Chapter 40: The Good Life**

**Nikki**

"Sean! Stop!" I giggled as Sean continued to tickle my feet, despite my protests. We were laying on his couch, watching TV- or trying to, and waiting for our pizza to arrive. I sat up, tossing my blonde waves behind my back and dove for him. If he's going to tickle me, I'm going to tickle him right back.

"Okay! Okay! Uncle, or whatever," he chuckled after I dug my fingers into his armpits. The doorbell buzzed and he hopped up, rubbing his hands. "Pizza's here."

"I'll clear off the coffee table," I offered. I shoved the array of car magazines and empty Coke cans onto the floor. "There!"

Sean came back and laughed, "My kind of girl... Here we go, thin crust cheese pizza with green peppers and olives... _yum_."

"Oh, shut up. It's really good. Why, what pizza do you usually get?" I asked through a full mouth.

He shrugged, "I don't know... I used to get double cheese with Emma. With Ellie, I got cheese and herb on foccacia. With Darcy, it was barbeque pizza. And you, it's _this_."

I wiped at the string of cheese that was hanging out of his mouth. "Mind your manners," I remarked in a prissy tone."So, do you like it?"

"It's okay," he wrinkled his nose a little. He totally hates it. Oh well.

"It's an acquired taste," I joked, taking another huge bite. "At least it's more tasteful than this tacky decoration scheme you have going."

I lifted an eyebrow at the overkill of Christmas decorations. Don't get me wrong, I like Christmas. Getting gifts is like the greatest thing. But someone _really_ gets into it. Maybe even has an unhealthy fascination with it. Now, Sean Cameron has not struck me as the kind of guy who likes Christmas _this much_. That leaves only one other culprit...

"Ellie thinks it's cute. She's really trying to get me into this whole Christmas thing."

"I figured. You gotta love her," I pulled out a stuffed bear dressed as Santa Claus from underneath the couch. "Only she could convince a tough guy like you to put this in his apartment..."

"And that is why it's shoved under the couch. Don't tell her, though. She'd call me Scrooge or something."

I laughed and tossed the bear over my shoulder. "Deal. So, what are you going to get her for Christmas?"

"Huh?" Sean paused, his pizza half way to his mouth. He looks so adorable. He has pizza sauce all over one corner of his mouth.

I reached over and kissed away the sauce. "Ellie. What are you getting her for Christmas? You _should_ get her a gift."

"Yeah, sorry. I'm still trying to get used to this whole spend my money on other people thing... Why do people like Christmas so much?" He raised his eyebrows and gave a weird look.

"Well, I'll make it easy for you. All I want for Christmas is a new sketch book."

"Cheap and easy. Just how I like it."

I widened my eyes. "Cheap and easy?"

"Presents, I mean. Not girls. Presents."

"Oh, okay."

"Except, you _are_ kind of cheap and easy."

"Yeah, I'm just your run-of-the-mill slut... So, Ellie. Present?" I don't know why I'm pressing this, but I guess I'm just curious as to _how much_ he's going to spend on her. That tells a lot, you know.

Sean shrugged and reached for another slice of pizza. "I don' t know... What should I get her?"

"I'm not telling you! That's cheating!"

"Oh, come on. A hint, please?"

I can't resist his puppy-dog look. It really is just too much. "Okay, let's think. She likes music. She likes movies. Get her like a movie or a cd or something." Just a plain old gift. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not like she's his girlfriend or anything. That would be me.

"Yeah, I'll just get her something like that. She'll like anything I give her."

I smiled and took another bite of my pizza. Oh yeah, he's totally over her. As the new girlfriend, I had to make sure. It's a duty. I know Ellie would never go behind my back and go after him again, but I had to make sure he wouldn't. Guys are hard to trust. They are definitely hard to trust. But I think I can trust him.

**Sean**

"She wants a sketch book. That's what she told me," I put my new gloves on and followed Ellie into an art store. She had taken me to that little place she loves to shop around at- it's like a freaking mini-Paris or something.

"That's cool. It's all about getting people what they want. Here's a nice sketch book. Not too expensive, but quality. How about a new box of drawing pencils, too? As an afterthought?"

I shrugged and took the box of pencils. "Why not?"

After Ellie poked around in the store a little more, we went up to the register and paid for the items. The cold wind blasted us as we stepped back outside onto the sidewalk. Instinctively, I reached for her hand and held it between us as we walked. There was a light snow on the ground and our feet crunched softly. Christmas music could be heard softly through some outside speakers. Every street lamp and shop was covered in Christmas lights. Carolers were serenading groups of people. I looked at Ellie as we walked through the throngs of people. Her face was lit up and she had a serene expression on her face. She really does love this stuff.

If Ellie likes it this much, I guess it can't be _that_ bad...

"Do you want to help me pick out gifts for the Center?" she asked suddenly, in regards to the orphanage and day care she volunteers at.

"Why not? My good deed for life, right?" I squeezed her hand. She squeezed mine back.

"Great. That can be our last stop of the day. I want to go to this toy store. It's awesome, Sean."

"I bet so. So, should I get Craig something?" I looked at the one bag I was carrying. So far, I only had a gift for Nikki. Ellie, on the other hand, already had gifts for Ashley, Marco, Dan, Alex, and Jay. And Craig has been a pretty good friend to me.

"Sure! I need to look for something for him, too."

"Maybe something to do with music?"

"You could probably get him a new guitar strap? His old one kind of clashes with his new guitar."

I nodded, "Cool. A guitar strap. Doesn't sound too expensive."

"There's a music store right around the corner. We can go there."

We started head towards the music store, taking our time to look at all the window displays. I watched as two boys had a snowball fight right in the middle of everyone's way on the sidewalk. They kind of reminded me of Tracker and me when we were little- getting in everyone's way and always being loud and obnoxious.

"A donation, miss?"

I felt myself being jerked back and I turned to see that Ellie had stopped in front of an old man and his bucket. I read the writing on the bucket and his shirt- some charity thing. Probably something completely bogus. I can't believe she's falling for this.

"Yeah, hold on one sec... Here!" She handed him a wad of bills and my eyes widened as I saw the Fifty. Is she seriously giving all that money away to some stranger who's probably going to use it to buy alcohol?

"Thank you, miss. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas."

"You're so naive," I shook my head in disbelief. "Do you really think he works for a charity?"

"Why wouldn't he?"

"Because he's too busy scamming young girls like you! And you fell for it!"

"He didn't scam me. It's going to a charity for Christmas."

"Yeah, _sure_. You need to start looking out for yourself."

"And you need to start trusting other people."

I looked straight ahead of me. Yeah, sure, maybe I can be a little stand-offish. It takes a lot for me to trust someone. But it's for the best. That way, I can't get hurt if I'm let down. Ellie, as tough as she may seem, is so trusting of other people, it's almost scary. She puts herself out there to be hurt.

"Hey, look at me."

I turned my head and looked at her.

"Don't worry about me, okay? Worry about yourself."

"I could say the same thing to you," I replied dryly.

She smiled at me and hooked an arm through mine. "See, _that's_ the problem. I can't just mind my own business. It's the reporter in me."

"It's the nosy, obsessive control freak in you."

"Yeah, that too."

**Ellie**

I threw the armful of stuffed animals I had picked out into the cart. A elephant, whale, monkey, and bunny rabbit joined the load of coloring books, markers, crayons, paints, and books I had already picked out. There's something about shopping for little kids- it makes you feel like a little kid again. And sometimes you want to be a little kid again more than anything. At least I do.

"What'd you find?" I pushed the cart up and lightly ran it into Sean's butt.

He turned around with two packages of some action figure in his hand. "Oh, just this really cool action figure. Look at all the stuff he can do!" I squelched a smile as Sean's eyes lit up while showing me all the tricks the toy could do. "Isn't that awesome?"

"Sweet," I agreed. "Okay, we'll get some of those, too."

He carefully picked out a few packages and put them in the cart. "What now?"

"Oh, _now_ we're on to Barbies."

"_Great_. I love Barbie."

"Hey, don't knock Barbie. They've got some pretty cool ones out lately. Like her- she's the first woman President! How awesome is this? Little Layla or Harriet could see her and decide that they want to be involved in politics!"

"Wow, you're all about women in politics, aren't ya?"

"It'd be cool. I think Politician Nash sounds very respectable..."

Sean tweaked my ponytail and laughed. "I hate to agree with you, but it does."

"It'd be a cool profession. You know, when I'm not busy doing other important stuff. Kind of like a hobby almost."

He held up a redhead version of the President Barbie and read the back. "Oh, wow. Listen to this. This is President Nash. Her first name is Ellie. She's part of her own political party called the Nashionals. Catchy. Her platform consists of: helping out the less fortunate- especially advancing third world countries, finding homes for every abandoned pet, better funding for music and art programs, and, oh, get this, she has put into the Constitution that everyone must listen to Weezer. And alphabetize their entire life. Kind of reminds me of someone, huh?"

I took the Barbie from him and placed her into the cart. "Haha. Nice try, Sean, but, in order to be President, you have to be born in the United States. I guess that rules me out."

"Then why the hell do they sell President Barbie in Canada? Empty promises... Will Prime Minister be satisfactory?"

"I _guess_. Someone has to do it. Prime Minister Nash."

"Of the Nashionals."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... You're quite proud of that, aren't you?"

"Quite," his smile dropped. "I really need to stop talking like you. You're a bad influence on me, Nash."

I rolled my eyes and picked out a few more Barbies. "I know. You'd be much better off without me- getting into fights, failing classes, _stealing_..."

Sean blushed and stuffed his hands into the pocket of his hoodie. "Nah. I'm over all of that."

"Oh really? Wasn't just last week you were stealing again?" I asked breezily. Yeah, that's right. I'll pretend like I don't really care. As if it doesn't matter to me. Inside, it pisses me off so much that he could even consider wrecking everything he's worked so hard for. Everything _I_ worked so hard for. "Whatever. Let's go pick out some games."

An hour later, we piled our bags into the car I had borrowed from my dad. I started towards the driver's side, but Sean held me back.

"Nice try. You're dad said I drive, though."

"He didn't mean it. Come on, I've been practicing."

"Yeah, I'm sure. Other side, shorty."

I grimaced, but obliged to his command. Whatever, this means I definitely get to control the music. I flipped through my CDs and smiled when I caught sight of one. "Speaking of me being President..." I took the CD out and slipped it into the player, hoping Sean didn't notice.

"_My name is Jonas..."_

"Damnit!" Sean pulled at his hair. "Please, can we listen to something else? _Anything_ else? I'm so Weezer-ed out right now..."

"Nope. Sorry. Weezer it is."

"_Things were better than."_

**Ryan**

I hooked my arm around her neck, drawing her even close to me. I could smell the beer and cigarette smoke on her breath. I leaned forward, intoxicated, and closed my mouth over hers. She laughed drunkenly against my mouth and returned the kiss. This is why it is so easy between us. We don't need deep conversations or anything. We don't need to be serious all the time. We can have a good time and still be with each other.

"Mmm... You're trashed," I slurred into her ear.

"So are you!" she hiccuped and giggled behind her hand. Yeah, it doesn't take much to loosen her up. A little alcohol. That's pretty much it. And then she'll do whatever I want.

"Hey, we should get in the hot tub. Naked."

So what if I'm totally taking advantage of the situation. It's not like we wouldn't be having sex later on. This way, I'll just be getting it sooner. And if everyone else gets to see how hot it is for me with her, than that's just a plus. I will be known as _the man_. Hey, when you're banging someone as hot as Ellie Nash, you get quite a reputation.

I picked her up easily off of the stairs and carried her towards the deck.

"It's freezing!" she whined.

"When we get in the jacuzzi, we won't be cold. Plus, with all the heat we'll be making," I joked. Lame. I know. Almost as lame as some stupid pick-up line. But I'm quite drunk. So, there's my excuse for my lameness.

She kicked her feet a little, making me smile at how cute she is. You know, if I let myself, I could really fall for this girl. She's beautiful, sweet, funny, sarcastic, smart... she's perfect. Too bad I'm too much of a player to get involved seriously.

"Yo, man! What are you doing?" Jackson Hughes slapped me on the back and gave me a his infamous drunk smile- total cheese.

"Getting some action," I answered.

"Lucky! Isn't that... uhhh... Jessica?"

"No, it's-..."

"Whoa, is this the girl from the slopes?"

I glanced at Ellie and shook my head. "No, that was some slut named Mary. This is Ellie- the girl that goes to Degrassi?"

"Oh, right. You're _girlfriend_."

"Shut up, man!" but I was laughing. Hey, once a player, always a player. That's how it goes, right?

"Whatever, when you're done with her, hand her off to me. I could always lend her a shoulder to cry on. Or a cock to suck on."

We laughed a little more before I continued on my quest to get into the hot tub. Shit, it _is_ cold out here. My assets will be less than desirable in this temperature... I glanced down at the passed out girl in my arms. Damnit, why'd she have to go and pass out? Oh well... it's way too cold anyway. There's always later.

* * *

"Or what about acid-wash jeans?" I took a bite of my chicken sandwich and laughed.

Ellie covered her mouth with her hand and laughed, too. "Damn, why were those so popular?"

"Who knows."

"Reminds of those jeans that were splattered with paint? I won't forget the time I found a pair of those in my mom's closet. She was keeping them for memory's sake. Those ought to be burned."

"Aw, the infamous paint-splattered jeans. I remember them quite well."

"Pair them with a Nylon jacket and you got yourself a winner. Did you ever have one of those jackets? The, like, windbreakers that were all poofy?"

"Do I look like the kind of guy who'd wear something like that?"

Ellie just raised her eyebrow and stirred her Dr. Pepper with her straw.

"I totally had a jacket like that. As well as every color of a member's only jacket..." I swirled a french fry in ketchup and offered it to her.

She shook her head and took a sip of her drink. "Okay, new topic. Any ideas on what you want for Christmas?"

"Are we doing Christmas presents?" Great.

"I thought we would. It doesn't have to be anything big. Just something small and thoughtful."

"Okay, great. I know exactly what I'll get you."

"You do!"

"Yep," I smiled secretively. "But I'm not going to tell you."

"That's horrible! You have to tell me."

"Nope. You'll just have to wait until Christmas."

Maybe exchanging Christmas presents won't be such a bad thing. I mean, she's filthy rich, right? This could definitely be to my advantage. I mean, I _could_ use a new skateboard...

"Ryan..."

You've got to be kidding me... I looked up to where the voice came from. Megan Calloway. Or should I say, my ex-girlfriend? Things didn't end greatly. She left me for some older guy. Last I heard, he broke up with her. Dropped her on her ass. She deserved it.

"Megan..."

Ellie looked back and forth in between us. Neither of us made the next move. We waited for the other to say something.

"Um, I"m Ellie."

Ellie gave a little wave, and Megan gave her a look out of the corner of her eye. "Megan," she responded in a bored voice. "Well, it looks like you're busy. I'll leave you two alone. Ryan, we really need to talk."

Ah ha! She wants to get back together. She no longer has some older boy to brag about so it's back to good old Ryan. Whatever. If she thinks I'm just going to take her back, she has another thing coming at her. I reached across the table and took a hold of one of Ellie's hands.

"Ellie," I started softly. I looked down at the table and back up shyly. "There's been something I've been meaning to tell you..."

"Yes, Ryan?"

She was eating it up. I could see Megan still listening in from a few tables over. She perked up in her seat and leaned back a little to listen to what I was going to say.

"I'm- I'm in love with you, El."

There. _Take that, Megan. I bet your stupid older boyfriend never told you that he loved you. And now you have to hear me say it to another girl. It's what you deserve._

I felt Ellie's hand flinch in mine and I looked at her. Her mouth was hanging open a little and her eyes were like saucers. Slowly a smile crept across her face. "I love you, too," she whispered.

I forced a smile on my face. I feel bad. I really do. Especially since Ellie's looking at me right now as if I'm God's gift to mankind. I don't know how much longer I can stand being under her adoring gaze knowing that I'm just a fraud. I shifted in my seat and went back to my sandwich. Maybe she'll forget all about this. Forget I even said that. I mean, I didn't do anything _that_ bad. I do have feelings for her. She's a cool girl. And, well, I _had_ to get back at Megan for dumping me. I did the right thing. Ellie will get over it. Sooner or later.

**Ellie**

He loves me. Ryan loves me. I hugged my stuffed koala bear closer to me and squealed out loud. What a perfect way to end the perfect day of my week. Not everyone gets told that they're loved, you know. I'm one of the lucky few. And to be told by a guy like Ryan. He's seriously perfect. He's funny and thoughtful and fun and cute... I could go on and on. More importantly, I feel like he knows me. I don't know why I feel that way, but I just do... There's something there.

I don't know. My life is heading towards a major upswing right now. This time, I hope nothing brings it down- not my parents, not Marco, not Sean, not Ashley, nothing... I'm really happy right now.

**Why do I insist on making Ellie's life hell? Well, I don't know... I hope you guys like this chapter. It was more of a filler for things to come. Thanks for the great reviews!**


	41. Standard Lines

**Chapter 41: Standard Lines**

**Ellie**

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but... I almost _bounced_ to the door. The doorbell rang and I was off like a bunny. Hey, it's not my fault that I'm in an insanely good mood this morning. No, that's all due to Ryan. Just thinking about him puts a smile on my face. I mean, he told me loves me.

"Ryan! Hey!" A pleasant surprise. For a second, the memory of Sean visiting me at Caitlin's office flashed through my mind.

"Hey...," he greeted nervously. He brought a bouquet of flowers out from behind his back. "Here, these are for you."

"Thanks!" I took the small bouquet of daisies and sniffed them appreciatively. He is so thoughtful. "What are these for?"

"For- for... being beautiful, of course."

Cheesy. I have to admit. But it sounded great coming from him.

"So... how good are you at bowling?"

I thought if over for a second. "You know, I think I've only bowled once... but I'm sure I could annihilate you."

He gave me a challenging look. "Oh yeah? How about we go and see about that?"

"Sure, let me just go get my coat."

We drove to the bowling alley in silence. Every now and then, Ryan would look at me sideways, thinking I didn't notice, I guess. Of course, I noticed. All my attention was on him. I kept wondering if he'd say it again today. Or maybe I should say it first? It's not coming so easily for me. I twisted one of my rings around my finger as I mulled it over in my head. I can remember every moment that I've been told "I love you". Or, maybe I should say, "I'm _in_ love with you." I like to think that I'll never forgot those moments...

...A light tapping on the window was what woke me up in the middle of the night. I didn't even remember falling asleep. My eyes fluttered open and I yawned slightly as I looked over at the window. Brayden stared back at me. I _wanted_ to get up and let him in, but I was just so tired. Why doesn't he just come in anyway? The window's unlocked... I motioned with my hands for him to come in and he tried the window. He was successful. I turned onto my side and stared at him sleepily as he quietly crawled inside of my room.

"Hey," he sat on my bed and ran a hand over my hair.

"Hey," I said back with a slight yawn.

"You were asleep... I didn't think you slept"

"It's a rare occurrence... What time is it?"

"...Three..."

"Why the hell are you here at three in the morning?" I focused my gaze on his deep eyes as he laid down next to me, still running his hand over my hair comfortingly.

"Well..." he kissed me softly on the lips. Before I had a chance to kiss him back, he was trailing kisses from the corner of my mouth to the side of my face. He kissed below my ear, and I let out a blissful sigh.

"I love when you do that," I was breathless.

"I love when you smile. And I love how you always yell at me for messing up your books or CDs. I purposely put them out of order, just so you'll yell at me," he confessed. His voice was shaking, and he was staring at me with an intensity I'd never seen before. "And I love how you fit against me. We just fit..."

"Brayden..."

"I'm scared shitless saying this to you because I've never said it to anyone before. But when you love someone, you want them to know. So- there- I love you. I'm in love with you."

I pushed myself against him in a desperate embrace. I _needed_ to feel him against me. We clung to each other as if we were afraid to let the other go. When our lips parted, I whispered back to him how much I was in love with him, too. He was the first person to make me feel as if I was worth something. He walked across town in the middle of the night to tell me he loved me. He could have waited a few more hours until we were at school, but he said he couldn't bear to let me go on one more second not knowing that he was hopelessly in love with me. I never doubted it for one second...

..."Oh, shit!" I tried to stop the blender, but it was too late. I was covered with goop. I call it goop because that is the only possible word for this _crap_ that Marco and I were making. I don't know what gave us the idea to mix together just about everything sugary he had in his house, but we did. Our concoction didn't look flattering in the blender _or_ on me.

Marco doubled over in laughter, tears spilling over his cheeks.

"It's not funny!" But I was laughing, too. My attempts to regain a serious composure were futile.

Marco pulled a finger along my cheek and licked a little off of the tip. "Hey! It's not too bad. Here."

He held his finger out to me and I licked the rest of it off. Not too bad? It was delicious. We laughed as we got out spoons and started to eat out of the blender. We sat on the kitchen floor of the Del Rossi house, our backs against the cabinets, and took turns getting spoonfuls out. My hair and face were completely covered in specks of chocolate and banana and peanut butter...

I put the final spoonful up to my mouth, slowly licking the dessert off of the spoon. Marco lips grazed the spot where my cheek ends and my neck begins. The slight flick of his tongue brought a sheen of tears to my eyes. I quickly blinked them away and turned towards him, the spoon hanging out of my mouth, and my eyes wide with curiosity.

"You had some... you know, on your cheek. Sorry." He blushed and looked at his hands.

I wanted to say something back to him, but I couldn't bring myself to take that stupid spoon out of my mouth. It was the only thing keeping me from declaring my love for him, from reaching over to kiss him, from throwing him down on the ground and violating him. So, instead, I stared at my knees. The popped out from beneath my skirt and above my leg warmers. I don't know why my knees seemed so important at the time, but they were the only thing keeping me from betraying my feelings with a look towards him. If I looked at him, he'd know _everything_ that I felt. It sucks being in love with your best friend. Especially a best friend who's confused.

"I love you, you know?"

_Of course you love me. We're best friends. We're fucking soulmates. You just don't have the decency to be in love with me. So, instead, you lead me on- you ask me out on a date, you make out with me in Ashley's bed room, you tell me you're confused one second, you're kissing me again the next night, what the hell do you want? _No one really knows the full story behind Marco and I. Our story is tortured. It's painful and complicated and, somehow, innocent at the same time.

"You're the love of my life, Ellie Nash."

The tone of his voice broke my heart. It still breaks my heart to think about it.

I pulled the spoon out of my mouth and he brought his lips to mine. We didn't do much of anything. I straddled his lap and we explored each other. I held his face; I tangled my hands through his hair; He caressed my arms and ran his hands lightly down my neck and chest; I didn't stop him when he put his trembling fingers on my knees and brushed them towards my thighs. We pulled away soon after. We cleaned up, and I went home. From then on, we didn't kiss and he didn't touch me in any way other than in friendship. He never admitted he was gay until the time I tried to kiss him during our MI project.

Sometimes I think he just _wanted_ to be gay. That he felt something with me, that he was in love with me, but that he wanted to be different from everyone. I know it's stupid to think like that, but I can't think of any excuse as to why we couldn't be together. There were sparks. There were words exchanged. There were stolen glances. There were kisses. And there were touches. But, in the end, we just explored something we could never have.

I wiped at my eyes, praying that there weren't any tears. There weren't. I didn't feel much of anything. Just numb, really. I pushed my head away from the window and looked over at Ryan. I hope he hasn't been talking to me this entire time. The volume of the radio tells me he hasn't.

Why the hell am I harping on all of this? I thought I was over Marco. I _am_ over him. So why the hell am I still thinking about our pathetic excuse for a romantic relationship? We lasted all of five minutes. I'm _not_ the love of his life. Some guy is. And he's not the love of mine, either. I already lost the love of my life.

I used to think there was only one person for someone. That someone was only allowed one person to love their entire life. Sometimes I still think about that. I used to believe in that theory _so much_. I looked at my parents and was comforted that they would be together for eternity. And now? Now I pray to God everyday that it's not true. Hopefully someone gets more than just one chance to be happy. Otherwise, I've totally blown my one chance. And what else is there to live for?

Ryan reached a high note in the song and his voice completely cracked. I laughed to myself at how cute he was and reached across the space between us to grab his hand. He welcomed my hand and held it until we arrived at the bowling alley across town. I waited before getting out of the door, thinking that maybe he'd open it for me this time, but he just headed towards the building. I sighed and shoved open the car door. As I slid out of the car, I looked at my knee peeking through the hole in my jeans. This time, I don't have to worry about betraying my feelings. Ryan loves me. And I love him back. There aren't any secrets between us.

**Ryan**

I paid for our shoes and handed the smaller pair to Ellie. We walked over to a free alley and laced up our shoes. I figured bowling would be a nice, fun date for us. It doesn't require to much conversation, it's not deep or intense, and the alley is loaded with greasy pizza and cheese-drenched nachos. My mouth is already watering at the thought of shoving down a loaded nacho.

"Are you hungry?" I looked up from tying my shoes.

Ellie's side ponytail spilled halfway in front of her eyes when she glanced up at me. "Nah."

"I'm going to get some pizza and nachos. You sure you don't want anything?"

"Nope."

"Okay, I'll be right back."

I grabbed my wallet from the back of my corduroys and jogged up to the concession stand. Okay, besides pizza and nachos, what else could I get? Too bad I left my fake ID at home. Nothing sounds better than a nice, cold beer right now. A nice beer to chase down the nachos, pizza, and, even better, the sacred pills in my pocket. I reached a hand in my pocket to make sure they're still there. Sure enough, never a disappointment.

"Uh, I'll have three slices of pepperoni and sausage pizza, an order of the loaded nachos, some onion rings, and a... Coke. That's it."

I handed him my money and grabbed the tray full of food from him. The corner of Ellie's mouth lifted up with disgust when I set the tray down in front of her. "Looks great, doesn't it?"

"Uh, it looks more like a clogged artery."

"Ah, I love your sarcasm."

"As much as you love me?"

Oh great. Did she really have to remember what I said the day before? Couldn't she just forget all about it? Maybe the flowers had been too much. I shouldn't have gotten her flowers. They just restated that stupid lie I told. I shoved a handful of nachos into my mouth and nodded as I licked the cheese from my fingers. That way, I'm not really _saying_ it.

She beamed at me and kissed my cheek.

I really do hate lying to her. But... what she doesn't know won't hurt her, right?

Right.

* * *

"Hey, I'll be right back. Gotta piss."

"Yeah right. You gotta take a breather because I'm kicking your ass."

"Yeah, that too," I laughed.

I hopped over the seating area and headed towards the bathroom. The small, filthy room with three stalls was entirely empty. I took out the little baggy of pills and shook two out of them. I _definitely_ need two right now. If I have to hear Ellie mention one more time about how I told her I love her, I'll have to hold myself back from shoving her head through the bowling pins. Seriously, why is she being so annoying about this? From now on, I only take her to parties and have sex with her. That way, she's either too drunk to hold a conversation with me or I'm too close to climax to care.

I winked at a group of girls giggling by the jukebox. Hey, some of them aren't too bad looking. Especially that blonde... I have a thing for blondes. I wave of euphoria passed over me as I realized that I was ready to _really_ relax. Who knows, maybe I won't invite Ellie to that party tonight. I mean, with her around I can't really hang out with my buddies too much. If she doesn't come to the party, I can do whatever the hell I want. Something tells me that a control freak like Ellie wouldn't quite understand my need to loosen up a little with a bong or a few pills. She's just not cool like that.

"Better?"

"Yeah. So, who's turn is it again?"

"Yours."

"Okay. Hand me that ball?"

I took a drink from my cup as she struggled to get my heavier ball to me. I rolled my eyes and went to grab it from her, but she didn't let go.

"Say it first."

"Say what?"

"_You know_."

She's got be kidding me. She honestly wants me to tell her that I love her _again_? I used all my strength to pull the ball from her gasp and smiled as she stumbled back a little from the force. Good.

"_Love you_," my voice dripped with sarcasm. If that doesn't get the point across that I'm sick of having to say it over and over again, I don't know what I have to do.

She just stared back at me, unblinking, with that small smile on her face. I narrowed my eyes and threw my ball down the alley- pretending the bowling pins were her face.

**Paige**

"So, he just stopped me in the middle of conversation, stared at me with this _intense_ look, and told me that he loves me more than anything in the world. He said he's so in love with me, he'd do anything for me."

Damnit. You would think this girl has never been told "I love you" before. She won't shut up about her stupid new boyfriend- obviously someone not in his right mind if he's with _her_. It's really almost too much for me to handle. Not only did I have to listen to her tell the story to Ashley, but now she's repeating it to Hazel. I have to make a mental note to kill Hazel the next time we're alone. She knows I can't stand the sound of Ellie's self-righteous little voice. I thought the depressed Ellie was bad- this new Ellie- the one who's happy and gets everything she wants- even _more_ annoying.

If I had known Ashley invited her along on our shopping trip, I would have faked an illness or something.

"He told you at The Dot?" I wrinkled my nose. "How romantic..."

"At least I'm not dating an ignorant moron," she glared at me.

I gave her a nasty face, and Hazel pinched my arm. "Ow! What was that for?"

"Play nice, sweetie," she advised.

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms across my chest. Whatever. Why does everyone stick up for _her_? I'm the likable one. I'm the cute and bubbly one. And her? She's just some depressed psycho. Okay, okay, I _kind of_ forgive her for how completely ungrateful she was for my help- she did think me after all at Jimmy's party- but that doesn't mean I have to completely play nice. Ellie and I being nice to each other would mean the end of the world.

Seriously.

"Ellie!"

We all turned around to see who had called out to her. Since when is Ellie so popular?

That blonde chick darted towards us, Sean in tow. What's her name? Nikki? Yeah, that's it. Sean lazily draped his arm around the girl's shoulders as they stood in front of us. Is it my imagination, or did Ellie just visibly flinch?

It must be my imagination because she was practically cooing at how cute Sean and Nikki looked. Okay, not really, but she was close to it. She was pulling the whole "aw, you guys are shopping together!" and "aren't you so glad I hooked you two up?" act. Can someone honestly be that happy to see her ex-boyfriend with a new girl? Even if it is her friend?

"So, what are you guys doing?" Nikki gave me a huge smile. I tried to return the favor, but I barely know the girl.

"Just shopping around," Ashley answered.

"Cool. Well, we're going to go catch a movie, right?" Nikki craned her neck to look at Sean behind her.

He nodded, "Yeah."

"We're going to sneak in," Nikki giggled. Rather annoyingly.

"Well, have fun," I sneered. "Getting caught, that is. Sean's already been to jail. I don't think you want to go, too."

Nikki gave me a weird look and dragged Sean off. Whatever. Let her hate me. I don't care.

* * *

I threw myself into the booth and gave a big sigh. It's been a long day. A very _long_ day. All I want now is a nice chocolate milkshake and a plate of fries. I know, very healthy, but a girl has cravings. Especially when she has huge cramps and is PMSing like no other...

"So," Hazel lowered her voice to a more confidential tone. "Did you guys hear what happened to Mary Umbers?"

"Mary Umbers?" Ellie's eyebrows wrinkled delicately.

"She used to go to our school. She left before you came," Ashley explained.

"Yeah. Well... Quinn, her best friend, told me that she had to be sent away to live with her dad."

"Why?" And why do we care? So she changed addresses. Big deal.

Hazel gave a sigh of exasperation. "Let me finish! Well, it turns out her stepdad was _molesting_ her... Isn't that horrible?"

"Molested? How?" This isn't something you hear about everyday. Especially at Degrassi. Thoughts of Dean crossed my mind, but I made myself forget about him. Why should I waste any energy thinking of that creep?

Hazel shrugged, "He was touching her."

"Did they have sex?" Ashley put a hand up to her mouth.

"No. Quinn said there was no sex. He was just touching her."

"Then it's _not_ molestation," I cleared up.

"Paige!" Both Ashley and Hazel's mouths fell open.

"Sorry! Well, how did he touch her?"

"Inappropriately. Why does it matter? He touched her sexually, and she wanted no part of it. It's molestation," Hazel stated.

Ashley nodded in confirmation. "That's a horrible thing to have done to a person. I wonder how long he was doing it for? How did he get caught?"

"I guess a guidance counselor found out about it or something. Or a teacher. I don't know. Quinn didn't tell me _all_ the details. But she said Mary's so upset. She can't stay with her mom anymore because the memories are too much for her. She goes crazy just being in the same house where it happened."

"It must be a horrible thing to find out your child's been molested by someone so close to you."

Ashley shook her head in sympathy. "Poor Mary. I can't even imagine what she's going through. Sexual molestation can have huge effects on a person's emotional and mental stability."

"Don't tell anyone I told you this, but Quinn said the guidance counselor found 'trash' carved into Mary's chest. Supposedly that's where he fondled her."

"Ew!" I dropped the french fry I had been lifting to my mouth. "Thanks for ruining my appetite."

"Your welcome."

I rolled my eyes and wiped my greasy fingers on a napkin before glancing up across the table. Usually Ellie would have opened her big, opinionated mouth by now. Instead, she stood rigid in her seat, staring at my plate of fries.

"You want one, Ellie?" I pushed the plate towards her.

"No," she murmured. But she picked up her fork and started stabbing at them. Finally she spoke up louder. "You know," she began, her voice quivering a little. "Maybe that Mary girl is lying. I mean, a lot of girls run around acting like tramps and whores and the second someone touches them, they run away scared and make up some big elaborate lie about how the person violated them. Usually it's just to get revenge. Maybe Mary didn't like her step-dad. Maybe he never even touched her. Anyway, I doubt he molested her."

"Ellie!" Ashley leaned away from her friend horrified.

"What?" the red-head snapped. Her voice started getting angrier. "Maybe she deserved it. Maybe she _liked_ it."

Even I was insulted by her display. I mean, I'm sorry, but the way she was talking about the victim of a molestation- as if she brought it upon herself- hit me in a hard way. I mean, I was a victim of rape. The worst form of molestation. I didn't deserve it. I know that now. And I felt like trash afterwards. The way she's talking just belittles the emotions I felt. The shame and guilt.

Ellie grabbed her bag and threw her coat on. "I gotta go. See you later."

I watched her retreat out of The Dot. I never thought I'd hear Ellie Nash say something so _wrong_. She's always been the right one. The one with all the answers. The freaking genius. After this conversation, I can't help but think she's the dumbest girl in the world.

**Ellie**

"Hey mom," I greeted as I entered the house. She was putting out a fresh vase of flowers on the foyer table.

"Hi, Eleanor. What do you think of these?" She gestured towards the vase of roses, lilies, and irises.

"Beautiful." I sniffed the arrangement and gave her a weak smile. "I'll be in my room."

She was already on her way into the kitchen. I stared after her for a few seconds before running up to my room. I clumsily burst through my bedroom door and threw my bag onto the floor. My room was a wreck. I kicked at a pile of dirty clothes and paced back and forth for awhile. I can't think about it. If I think about it, I'll do it. I need to stop. I can control this. I don't need to cut to feel in control.

"Screw it," I whispered to myself. I practically fell into my bathroom, searching through all of the drawers for a razor blade or something. "Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?"

I'm sickened by how pathetic I sound. Talking to myself, near tears. This is what I've become. A pathetic mess. All I need is one line, though, and I'll be okay. Finally, my hands grasped around something sharp. There.

I leaned myself up against the wall and rested my foot across the knee of my other leg. I can't let anyone see it. If someone sees the cut, they'll know I failed. I can't let _Jay_ see it. He'd be so disappointed. I ran the razor across the bottom of my foot, lightly at first and then harder. I needed to see that blood and to feel physical pain. Anything to erase this cold, clammy hand that's choking my heart.

I don't know what's got me so upset. Maybe it was my thoughts yesterday about Brayden and Marco. Maybe it was being with Paige all day. Maybe it was seeing Sean and Nikki laughing. Maybe it's just the fact that I am _messed up_. I threw the razor across the room and watched the line bubble up with blood. Nothing a band-aid won't cure.

Still. I feel full of these emotions. Just one line isn't enough this time. I looked over at the razor gleaming up from the floor. It's too far away, and I don't have the energy to crawl across and pick it up. Instead, I lurched myself forward onto the toilet. I leaned my elbows on the rim and placed my head in my hands. I thought of the greasy plate of fries Paige had been scarfing down. And the pizza and nachos and onion rings Ryan had been stuffing into his face the other night.

I flushed the toilet a few minutes later, my stomach completely empty. I listened silently for sounds of my mom roaming around upstairs. I don't want her to get all paranoid again. After hearing that the coast was clear, I picked myself up and walked out of the bathroom. I collapsed onto my bed and stared at the ceiling.

I feel very accomplished right now.

And angry.

I don't even know her, but I hate Mary Umbers.

**Okay, well, I hope you guys like this chapter! I have some pretty horrible stuff happening to Ellie in the near future, but, don't worry, there will be plenty of good things happening later, too. I think what I'm trying to get across the most about Ellie's character is that she can be having some pretty shitty things happening in her life and she still finds the time to be there for her friends and to help others. Hopefully you guys find her to be the same loyal and sweet person that I find her to be. In the near future: Alex/Ellie bonding, perhaps a drunken Jay/Sean talking about girls, fights, and major drama for Ellie and Ryan. I think I'll be saving the Liberty POV for when they are back in school, too. Reviews are always appreciated!**


	42. Butterfly

**Chapter 42: Butterfly**

_I'm sorry for what I did._

_I did what my body told me to._

_I didn't mean to do you harm._

_Every time I pin down what I think I want,_

_It slips away._

_The ghost slips away._

**Alex**

I opened the door wider and let Ellie in. She folded her arms as she shuffled in and wiped

her feet on the small carpet in front of the door. A loud laugh escaped from the living room, and Ellie gave me a questioning look.

"My mom has a new boyfriend," I rolled my eyes.

Ellie nodded and stood stiffly in front of me, a frown etched on her face.

"You look like hell," I commented truthfully. Dark bags colored under her eyes and her hair was haphazardly thrown up into a ponytail.

She shrugged her thin shoulders and leaned back against the wall. "I'm suffering from a major hangover at the moment."

I smirked and threw an arm around her shoulder. "You're lucky you're here. I just happen to have a cure for hangovers. It requires eggs, milk, orange juice, and just about every other unappetizing ingredient you could think of, but it works."

She wrinkled her nose and shrugged my arm away. "I'll pass. I'd rather suffer from a headache than suffer from food poisoning."

"Were you with your little lover boy Ryan last night?" I lifted a corner of my lip as I said his name. Something about that kid pisses me off. I don't know what, but something does.

"Yeah, we went to a party. That's all we ever do."

"Is someone not satisfied with her current flame?" I led her to my bedroom and shut the door behind us. She hovered by the door as I threw myself across my bed. "You can sit."

She still hovered. "Things are fine between Ryan and I. But I don't think he likes being around me anymore... unless we're at a party."

"Dump him. He's obviously a dick."

"I'm not going to dump him. I like him."

"Do you love him?"

She was silent. I could practically see her thinking hard about it. If you have to think hard about it, then it doesn't exist. She doesn't love him. I watched in amusement as she tried to come up with some satisfactory answer.

"Yes- Yeah, I love him..." she stared at the ground the entire time.

"What's _wrong_ with you?"

"Nothing!"

"Sure..." I trailed off, scrutinizing her. Something about her is not right.

"God, who are you? Jay?" she paced back and forth across my small room. "What is your fascination in helping me? I don't need help."

"You can take care of yourself, right?"

"Right."

I snorted. I couldn't help it. But, whatever. If she wants to be like that, than let her. I know how she feels- as if she take on the world, nothing can stop her... I've felt that way, too. That ended quickly when Todd, one of my mom's ex-boyfriends, gave me the beat down. I realized that night that I needed someone to save me from that monster. And Jay turned out to be that person. Not that it's getting any better with my mom's new boyfriends. They don't touch me, but I've seen the bloody noses and black eyes on my mom. And that hurts me more than any slap across the face could.

"Jay has gotten a little out of hand with you," I admitted. "I think he's trying to make up for every bad thing he's ever done in his life by helping you."

Ellie gave me the first real smile. "Well, tell him I appreciate the offer, but he's helped me enough. He can focus on someone else now."

"I'll tell him. He won't be happy, but I'll tell him." We laughed and a comfortable silence fell between us. I took the time to look her over. She says she fine, but something is going on. I can feel it. She's not standing up as straight. And she just looks _sad_.

"Yeah, well..." she fumbled around in her bag and pulled out a CD. "Thanks for letting me borrow it."

I took the CD from her and tossed it next to me on the bed. "No prob."

"Well, I guess I should be going..." she put her hand on the doorknob and started to turn it.

"Oh, Jerry! _Oh, Jerry!_ Yes! Yes! Oh, God!"

You've got to be kidding me. I cringed at the noises coming from my mom's bedroom. Ellie looked back at me, embarrassment written all over her face. Why is _she_ embarrassed? I'm the one who has to live with this all the time.

"So, you want to go see a movie or something?" Ellie asked with a hopeful expression on her face.

"Hell yeah," I answered, relieved.

**Ellie**

"And then her mom started to have, like, an orgasm right there. It was so humiliating. I felt bad for Alex. I know what it's like to be embarrassed by your mother... So, we went and saw a movie. We saw _Verity_- you know, that one movie that I wanted _us_ to see? The one where the woman-..." I looked up to see that he wasn't even listening to me. I rolled my eyes. "Where the woman has wicked sex with that _other_ woman and then they... Yeah, well, after the movie Alex and I went to some crazy party and these male strippers came and we danced with them and then we went into a backroom and got a private show... And then I fucked one of them senseless... and you really don't care what I say, do you?"

He continued to fool around with something on his computer. I groaned and buried my head into the pillow on his bed. What is with him? Am I really that boring that he can't even listen to one thing I say? I stole a peek at him. What is he doing anyway? It better be something important if he's ignoring me.

I got up and walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his neck before glancing at his computer screen. "What are you do-... _SOLITAIRE_?"

"_What_?" he snapped.

No, he did not just snap at me. If anyone has the right to snap- it's me. "I'm over there talking to you, trying to hold a conversation, and you're not even listening because you're too busy playing Solitaire? What is wrong with you?"

"It's an important game." He gave me an irritated look.

I returned it.

"Fine," I grabbed my bag and my coat. "I'm leaving."

And in two seconds he'll beg me to stay. Just as I'm leaving his room. I froze in the doorway and waited for his pathetic attempt to make me stay. I waited. And I waited. Any second now. He'll beg me to stay as he crawls towards me on his knees. I turned around to look at him and my shoulders dropped. "Do you even want to be with me still?"

He sighed and clicked out of his game, turning his chair around to look at me. "Of course."

I smiled. I can't really tell if it's a real smile, though. I'm having trouble differentiating between real and fake these days. I don't need a guy to make me happy. I don't. So why am I putting up with this? Why don't I just dump him and enjoy being single?

"Come on," he took my hand and pulled me towards the bed. I fell on it without a fight. Whatever. Just let him do whatever he wants with me.

He started tugging at my shirt and my pants. I frowned- why does her name have to come to mind right now? I shook my head quickly to try and erase her name, but I couldn't. It was flashing in my head. I felt his hands slide my pants off and snake up my thighs.

"Stop!" I shouted.

Ryan jumped up surprised. "What? What did I do?"

I couldn't even look him in the eye. I just looked at my quivering thighs. _Stop shaking Stop shaking. How many times have you done this now? A billion?_ "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I didn't mean to ruin it."

"Yeah, you scared the shit out of me."

Gee, thanks.

"Are you okay?" He gave me a worried look and put a hand around my ankle, rubbing it gently. The way he was working my ankle reminded me of a book I had read. _Waiting for the Barbarians. _

What was that line in that book?

_Somewhere, always, a child is being beaten._

Yeah, that's it.

I forced a smile on my face. "I'm fine," I lied. "Come here." I beckoned him and he hesitantly crawled forward and kissed me. I reached over to his night stand to open the drawer. My hand reached in, blindly, to feel for the box of condoms. Instead, I felt the bottle.

I pulled it out and opened my eyes as he kissed me to look at it.

"What's this?"

"What's what? Oh."

I rolled the pill bottle around in my hands. "So?"

"You know... stuff to help me... relax."

"Oh." What am I supposed to say to that? Am I supposed to be some hypocrite and lecture him on the dangers of drug abuse? That's be cute. Me, the ex-cokehead, lecturing someone else on doing drugs. And it's not like he uses them all the time. I'm sure it's just a once in awhile kind of thing.

Yeah, but that's how it started out for me, too. Just a few pills at auctions or charity dinners turned into snorting a line or two everyday. And then there were the days where everything just got out of hand. I bet if Jay went up and told some random person at school that I had been addicted to cocaine, they would stare at him and just laugh their head off. No one would ever suspect me.

"You're holding that bottle pretty tight there. Want one?"

I looked down at my hands. They were turning red from gripping the bottle so tightly. My mouth grew dry and watered at the same time. What do I say? No, I'm actually in recovery. Yeah, I'll take one and ruin everything I've been working hard for.

Yeah, I'll take one and nobody will ever have to know.

Except me. I'd know.

"I have to go." I slid off of the bed and pulled my pants back on.

"Oh, come on! Don't be like that. It's not like I'm some druggie or something..."

I looked at him for a moment. "I know. I just... I have to go."

And I left.

**Jay**

I took another sip of my beer and leaned back into the cushions. "You know, this would

be perfect if it didn't look like Ellie ate the North Pole and threw up in here."

Towerz spit out his mouthful of beer. "Yo, what does that even mean?" he asked, tears coming to his eyes from laughing so hard.

Hey, Towerz talks. Go figure. "It means that this place looks like overkill. Christmas overkill. How do you live in this?" I looked at Sean and gave him a horrified look. Or I tried. My face has gone kind of numb from drinking so much.

Sean shrugged and lazily finished his beer. "I'm kind of wondering that myself."

"God, the fucking lights just keep blinking! They won't stop!" I put a hand to my eyes and tried to block the flashing lights on the Christmas tree.

Sean laughed and leaned over to unplug them. "Better?"

"Yeah," I drawled. I looked at my beer. "Oops, I'm dry. Any of you bitches want another one?" I got up and wobbled a bit.

They looked at each other and laughed. "Uh, sure," they answered together. How cute. They're twins.

"You know," I called out from the kitchen... which is, what, a foot away? "We should invite over some girls. Get some action."

"No way!" Sean protested.

I gave him an odd look and handed him his beer. "And why not? You got something against the female species now?"

"I'm just sick of girls, man."

"We got a homo on our hands here, Towerz."

Towerz just mumbled something. Okay, things are back to normal.

"I'm not a homo. I just need some time away from women. You know?"

"Nicki not doing it for you anymore?"

"Nicki's fine. She's cool. Just, you know, women bring trouble. They bring issues."

"Ah, women and their issues."

"Yeah, cause Nicki's completely chill, but, you know, there are other girls that just... they can just bug the shit out of you."

"I think we're talking about a certain redhead here?" I took a gulp and set my beer down on the coffee table in front of me. "Okay, tell Uncle Jay your girl problems. I'm a master at this."

He gave me a critical look and shook his head. "I'm not talking about Ellie. She's cool. She's not being so bad, you know?"

"So, decorating your house like it's the freaking... like... birth of Christ or something is cool?"

"Dude, that's what Christmas is. The birth of Christ."

"Oh, sorry, Father Sean. I didn't realize we had an expert here. Since when do you care?"

"I don't. It's just you said-... Never mind."

"Whatever. Let me share my philosophy on girls, man. You see, there are some girls who are meant to be bitches. Then there are some who are pretty cool and are your friends. And then there are some that are the fucking loves of your lives. Love of your life. Yeah. That. But then... _Then_... There are the girls who are all three. They're the bitchy-friend-lovers. They sneak up on you. You think they're evil, then you get to be friends, and soon you're best friends turned into lovers and you're pushing a stroller down the sidewalk. That's how it is, man. You just got to learn to go with it. There's nothing you can do about it. Bottom line, women rule the world. That's how it is. And we just try and keep up and get a screw every now and then."

"You make no sense."

"I make perfect sense. This is me at my philosophical best. Let me put it into plainer terms: Alex is my bitch-friend-lover. We started out beating each other up in grade school, then we became best friends, and now we're like, freaking, married or something. And that's just how it's going to stay. I don't even try and fight it. She has the leash, and I just let her lead. It's so much easier that way."

"So, girls rule over boys? Is that what you're saying?"

"Totally what I'm saying. Pretty good advice, huh?"

"I'm not sure that's actual advice. I didn't even know I needed advice."

I sighed and leaned forward on the couch. "The advice is: be with the girl who you trust your life with. Cause that's how it pretty much works out, in the end."

He laughed and put down his beer. "I better stop drinking before I end up like you. Great advice, Jay. _Great_ advice. You hear the sarcasm in that?"

"Thanks, bro. I try." I stood up to take a bow. And that's all I can remember.

**Sean**

I shut the door and headed into the living room. I _could_ pick up all the trash we left

around, or I can go take a nap or play mind-numbing hours of video games. I looked from my bedroom to the TV. Hmm. Choices, choices. Well, video games it is. A knock on the door stopped me from turning the TV on.

"Hey," I greeted. Ellie stepped inside and gave me a smile.

"Busy?"

"Um... not really." I checked my watch. I only have a few hours until my date with Nicki. I guess I won't be playing any video games today.

"Good. I was thinking we could start wrapping some of your gifts, put them under the tree, maybe make some Christmas cookies, and go to Mass?"

I just stared back at her. Seriously. I'm not gracing her suggestion with a reply. I can't believe she just asked me if I wanted to play Martha Stewart before heading off to church. Who does she think I am? Who does she think _she_ is?

"What?" she stared back at me.

Does she honestly have to ask that? Isn't the disgusted look I'm giving her enough? "You've got to be shitting me."

"What?"

"I'm not doing any of that."

"Why not?"

"I don't make cookies. And I sure as hell don't waste time at some church."

"Why are you being so difficult?"

"Why are you being so pushy?"

"Because that's what I am!"

"Do you ever stop and think, 'Wow. Maybe I'm not right all the time. Maybe my ideas aren't always the best. Maybe I don't always have to pretend and be some perfect person. Maybe the whole world doesn't revolve around me.'?"

She couldn't even defend herself.

"I have a date with Nicki tonight. I don't have time to do anything with you."

She shook her head and walked out of the apartment.

Leaving me to feel like complete shit.

**Ellie**

"What are you doing? Oh, you're with Paige? Never mind. No, I just wanted to talk. I'm

doing something with Sean tonight anyway... Okay, bye."

"Hey Ash. What are you doing? You're with Paige and Marco? That's cool. Oh, Sean's here. I have to go. Bye." I hung up the phone and screamed into a pillow. I _hate_ being lonely.

I can't call Alex. I just hung out with her today. Maybe Jay's not doing anything. I quickly dialed his number and waited for him to answer.

"'Lo?"

"Jay? What are you doing?"

"Driving to Alex's. Why?"

"Oh. No reason. I just thought that... Sean was with you."

"He's with Nicki."

"Oh. Okay."

I need some new friends.

"Hey Emma. What's up?"

"Hey, Ellie. Haven't talked to you in awhile."

"I've been busy."

"Yeah, me too. Hey, can I call you tomorrow or something? Manny's here and we're double dating with these two guys."

"Yeah. Have fun."

I heard the front door open and close downstairs. I shot off my bed and scampered down the staircase. "Mom?" I called out, hopefully.

She set down her purse and briefcase. "Yeah?"

"What are you doing?"

"Just got out of a meeting. Damn thing took four hours. _Four hours!_ How inconvenient."

"That sucks," I sat on the bottom step and stared up at her as she unbuttoned her coat and hung it up in the coat closet. "So, what are you doing tonight?"

"I don't know. Dana called and wanted to know if I wanted to get together and have a late dinner," she answered, referring to her best friend.

"Dana should come over here. You guys can have dinner here." And I can hang out with you.

"Why would we have dinner here? That means I'd have to cook," my mom laughed and messed with her hair in the large hall mirror.

"Not if dad came over, too. He could cook. Dad loves to cook."

"Your dad is _not_ coming over," a frown crossed her face and she pursed her lips.

A pang went through my heart. "Why not? I thought you guys were getting along great."

"Get real, Eleanor. Things have gotten better, but they're nothing like before. Why do you care anyway?"

Because you're my parents. It's my duty to care. I can't believe she even asked me that. As if I have no right to care about her and daddy's relationship.

"You and daddy love each other," I reminded her. Why do I have to remind her of this? Doesn't she know that her and daddy are meant to be together?

"Eleanor! Stop it!" My mom was getting more annoyed with me.

"Aren't you two going to get back together ever? You're still married, you know."

"Not for long. Your dad and I have decided to see other people."

Other people? _Other people? _"That's adultery!" I cried out. Hot tears splashed onto my cheeks. I hadn't even realized that I needed to cry.

"Not if we're divorced."

"But you're not divorced," my voice was small. Where is this going? Just the other day, dad was over for dinner and they were joking around.

"The divorce papers are signed. We just have to hand them-..."

I didn't hear her finish. I was already on my way upstairs.

"Eleanor, get back down here!"

"I hate you!" I shouted back at her. Childish, I know. But it's the only thing I could think of that would hurt her.

I wiped the tears away from my eyes angrily. Why am I crying? What is there to cry about? I should have known my parents would do this. They're so freaking blind to how much they need each other. I angrily buttoned my coat up and grabbed my purse. I know what I need to do. What I _want_ to do.

I knocked on the door and waited for it to open. My mind kept screaming at me to turn around and get back into the car. To take my anger out on my dad's precious Porsche, instead, and crash it into a tree.

"I didn't think you'd want to see me again."

I lowered my eyes and stared at his shoes. "Yeah, well... you know..."

"So, what do you want?"

"You know what I want, Ryan..."

"What? Me?" he joked.

"No, I need to relax. Come on, invite me in."

"Sorry," he stepped aside. "Come in."

I followed him up to his bedroom and shut the door behind me before taking a seat on his bed. "So, I know you have some pills- but do you have anything more?"

"Nah. This is it for me." Ryan sat down on the bed next to me, the pill bottle and a plastic baggy in his hand. "Here, take your choice."

"Why not both?" I took one out of the bottle and the bag. "Cheers," I placed them in my mouth and swallowed.

_Yeah, cheers..._

_Hey, Els. It's Dan. Just calling to talk. Check up on you, you know? There's a Greek formal in a next weekend, and I just wanted to know if you wanted to go with me. So... call me back. Bye._


	43. High

**Chapter 43: High**

_Climbing up, trying my best as I sink._

_Climbing up, trying my best as I sink again._

_Lying back on the floor, reaching up high into space._

_See myself in a glass._

_I'm counting the lines on my face._

**Ellie**

I woke up the next morning with a heavy feeling in my stomach. I failed. I _failed_.

Oh well. Seriously, am I supposed to get all worked up about this? Am I supposed to crawl to Jay or Sean and cry my eyes out because I had an awesome time last night forgetting about everything? Yeah, that's logical. Why should I feel guilty about having a good time? I shouldn't. It's like them- they drink to have a good time. I drink, too… and do other things. It's not that much different. So, if they're allowed to drink… why can't I snort a little nose candy or down a few pills?

Still, this heavy feeling is in my stomach.

Oh. Maybe it's because Dan tried to call me last night. And I probably feel guilty because I was too busy making out with Ryan to care. Not that I should feel guilty or anything… It's just I've always put friends before significant others. And last night, I didn't. But Dan doesn't know that. And anyway, I'll gladly go to his Greek formal to make it up to him. How's that for being a great friend?

I rolled over in my bed and groaned at the time. 12:23PM. I've never slept this late before. When did I even come in last night? I don't remember driving home. That's sort of… dangerous, to say the least. But that's me- living on the edge, taking a stroll on the wild side, laughing in the face of danger, yada yada yada. My fingernails dug into my pillow as I rolled back over onto my back, hugging the pillow to my chest.

Let's see.

Today, I should definitely call Dan and tell him I'll go with him. And then I should really go and shop for a dress. Maybe I'll give Marco a call and he can go with me. Since, you know, he is the expert on high fashion. And after that, I can… come home and be incredibly lonesome because I have no friends who ever want to do anything with me.

There you go, Nash. Feel sorry for yourself.

I should really get up.

My feet touched the floor, and I slowly shuffled into the bathroom. Okay, first look in the mirror after a night of tripping on who knows what- this should be scary. Okay, scratch that- frightening. Incredibly frightening. I'm a huge advocate for the overuse of eyeliner, but even this is beyond me. I wet a washcloth and started to work on removing all makeup from my face. Could I look any more _dead_?

"Eleanor?"

Great. Good old mom. I love waking up first thing to her already bitching at me about something.

"I'm in here," I drawled. What the heck does she want anyway? I'm _not_ talking to her. Her or dad, after what they've done to me. Don't they understand that families are supposed to stick together? Don't they understand what their wedding vows meant? In sickness and in health. In good times and bad. Well, so what if our family is going through some tough times right now? We're strong. Our last name is Nash. We can get through this. If my parents would put half the effort they put into work into their marriage and family, we'd be the Cleavers.

"You _just_ got up? What have you been doing? _Sleeping_? And why do you look like you were out partying all night? _Were_ you out partying all night? Who with? What time did you get back? Did you take on of your father's cars? _Did you_?"

I won't even give her the satisfaction of an answer. She doesn't deserve it.

"Are you not talking to me now? Real mature, Eleanor. You know, I could send you to live with your Aunt in Fergus…"

Threats. _Empty_ threats. She would never send me away. Who else would take care of her when she gets piss drunk?

"_What_ are you wearing? Would it hurt you to dress like a normal human being once in awhile? I'm so sick of you wearing these revealing outfits and all that black… It's unhealthy. People are going to think you're depressed if you wear so much black. And that _eyeliner_. Could you put anymore on? And, Eleanor, your _hair_. You have such pretty hair. Why must you wear it like that?"

Welcome to my life. The constant nagging. Why can't you do this? Why can't you wear that? Why can't you be like her? Why aren't you perfect yet? She spends so much time worrying about me, she barely has any time to look at herself. And she should. She definitely should.

"Please say something."

I winced at how pathetic her voice sounded. God, why does she do this? How can she have this hold on me?

"What do you want from me?" I put down the washcloth and turned to look at her.

"What?"

"What do you want from me?" I shrugged. "Do you want me to dress in neatly pressed chinos and a nice oxford? Do you want me to wear lots of yellow and other pastels? Do you want me to be someone I'm not or be like _you_… Or I could just run away. Do you want me to run away? You- you wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. I'd be out of your life for good… Is that what you want? Because I'm this close to just packing it all in."

She shook her head slightly and looked away, rolling her eyes. I caught her rolling her eyes. Does she think I'm joking? Because I'm not.

And then she walked out of my bathroom.

That's what I love- the fact that my mom can't even say "No. I want you to stick around." She can't even tell me she doesn't want me to run away… Is that normal? Is that what every mom is like, and I'm just blind to the whole motherhood idea? Tell me if I'm wrong, but I thought moms were supposed to take care of you and comfort you and tell you how much you're loved.

My mom used to be like that. She used to adore me.

I guess the change is my fault, though. I'm the one who got weird on her. I wouldn't let her touch me or be alone with me. I stopped talking to her.

_FLASHBACK_

"Eleanor, are you hurt?"

"I hurt my knee." My little braids bounced around my head as I nodded for emphasis. I stuck my short leg up in the air and pointed to the scrape on my knee.

Ms. Howard smiled and looked at my knee. "You sure did… Here, come with me and we'll fix it."

I hopped off of the bench and waved to Hannah. She ran over, her hair tangled around her face. "Where are you going?"

"My knee."

"Oh. Hurry! Tommy is going to pitch!"

I was the only girl who could hit Tommy's pitches. I smiled proudly and nodded.

Ms. Howard grabbed me around the waist and hoisted me up on the counter. "Here you go. Okay, now this might sting a little."

"Ow!" My cheeks burned from the stinging. I was not going to cry. I never cried in front of anyone.

"Aw… Here," she kissed my knee. "Feel better."

"Ew!" I jerked my leg away and giggled. "Only mommy does that."

"Well, I'm like your mommy, right?" She smiled big. I couldn't help but smile back. I _did_ hang out with Hannah all the time.

I shrugged and kicked my unhurt leg back and forth in front of the counter. "Can we hurry? I have to bat soon. I'm the only girl who can hit Tommy's pitches!" I bragged.

"What a good girl!" she hugged me tightly. She smelled like vanilla.

I hugged her back, a little irritated. This was already taking too long.

"What a _good_ girl. You know you're a good girl, right? And don't you like being a_ good_ girl?"

"Yes."

"Such a good girl." Her hands slid from my shoulders to my arms to my legs. They rested on the tops of my thighs. "Hannah says you're her best friend. Is this true?"

Her hands squeezed.

"Yes."

Her hands started sliding back and forth.

"I like you being best friends with Hannah."

"Okay."

What do you say to that?

She laughed and her hands came out from underneath my shorts. "Well, let's just get you a band-aid and then you can go back and play."

I watched as she put a band-aid on my knee and then hugged me again. This time the hug lasted longer. I squirmed a little and kicked my legs back and forth.

"Play," I demanded.

"Sorry. Okay, Eleanor. Go, run along and play."

_END OF FLASHBACK_

But it's _not_ my fault.

I try and tell myself that, but no matter how hard I try and convince myself, I can't help but know that it is all my fault.

I _hate_ the smell of vanilla.

**Marco**

"What is up with you today? You're acting sort of… off…" I took a sip of my coffee and slid an arm around Ellie's back, drawing her closer to me.

She looked up at me and her lips curved a little. That was supposed to be her smile. I wasn't buying it.

"Just… thinking."

"About?"

"Nothing, really."

"I know better than that. Ellie Nash is always thinking of something brilliant."

She took a drink of her coffee. _She's stalling_.

"When I was little. How things used to be back then."

"I bet you were the cutest little demon-child ever," I teased.

"Yeah, well," she shrugged. "Spoiled, dramatic, too smart for my own good… That sort of thing."

"Yeah, a real demon-child. I can see you now…" I imagined her as a little girl, pouting her way out of punishments and putting way too much makeup on. Kind of like now. Some things just don't ever change.

"Isn't it strange how occurrences during your childhood can still affect you when you're an adult?"

"Yeah. Like what? What happened to you?"

"_Nothing_! I was just… making an observation."

"Oh. Okay." I don't believe her.

She stopped in front of a window. "Let's look in here. I like the clothes they carry."

I followed her into the store and followed her around, browsing through the formal dresses and holding them up to her. I picked out a satin turquoise gown. "This is pretty. The coloring is nice."

"Yeah… But, I was sort of looking at this one."

She held up a simple silk ivory gown in front of her.

"Fabulous," I couldn't help but utter. How stereotypical of me to say "fabulous", but I really couldn't help it. "Try it on. Now."

She gave her first real smile of the day and headed towards the dressing room.

"How's it look?" I asked a few minutes later.

"I just have to get this button and… Okay, is this the one?" She held back the curtain and gave me a view of the dress on her. The silk material skimmed her body lightly and flattered even her small curves. I inspected her from all angles and made a big deal of thinking it over.

"Well…"

"Marco!"

"Okay, honestly? You just turned me straight. Is that good enough for you?"

"Ah. My plan has finally worked!" she joked.

I stole the ponytail from her hair and watched it hair fall in slight waves down her back. "Oh, yes… That is _it_. Okay, wear this dress, wear you hair down- put a few waves in there, and… okay… _light_ makeup. Got it?"

"Sorry, but, uh, I didn't catch that _last _part," she cocked her ear towards me.

"_Light_ makeup. As in- barely any. Seriously, Ellie."

"Marco, I'll do what I want. Although, I think I will wear my hair down…"

"Okay, fine. If you must be that way." I leaned against the wall as she changed back into her regular clothes before paying for the dress. My jaw dropped at how much it cost, but I tried to hide it.

"So… things are good with Ryan?" I asked as we headed back towards my car.

Ellie pursed her lips and swung her arms at her side even more. Something I said made her uncomfortable. I nudged her a little with my elbow.

"Hey, Slick… I'm waiting for an answer."

"Things are fine… We've hit a little rut, but we'll get through it, right?"

"You tell me."

Honestly, I think she's wasting her time with this guy. Sure, he's nice and all, but he's not what she's looking for. Ellie needs someone to be there for her no matter what and who will give her the attention she needs and _deserves_. Ryan just seems to pay attention to her when it's convenient for him. And he's just not serious boyfriend material for her. I can see her going out with him on a few dates for a little fun, but, really, for _this_ long? I don't get it. He's not what she needs at all.

"Things are okay. We're going to last for a long time. I can see it."

"Then why do you sound like you have to convince yourself of that?" I didn't want to sound like the all-knowing best friend, but, hey- I've learned a few things from Ellie these past years.

"Honestly?" Ellie threw a look at me and sighed. "Ryan just isn't the kind of guy I can see myself with for a long time… He's a great guy and everything, but…"

"Just not a great guy for _you_?"

"Yeah… We're different people. He's too laid back, and, me, I'm a control freak- a wreck, if you will. And he doesn't really care much about _anything_. Me, I care about _everything_."

"Yeah, I know you do." I tried to squelch the smile off my face as I remembered the time Ellie made a big deal about the cafeteria not serving a vegetarian option at lunch or the time she staged a walk-out because Mr. Armstrong refused to let Greta Weber try out for the football team.

"But he's _fun_. And I need that right now. Especially with everything going on."

"Like what?" This is new. She hadn't said anything earlier about something bothering her.

She let out a sound of frustration and ran a hand through her hair. "My parents. They're actually going through with a divorce. They just have to hand in the documents."

I pulled her into a hug. "Aw, sweetie. That sucks."

"I know. And here I was thinking they were getting back together the entire time. How stupid of me."

"You were hopeful. There's nothing wrong with that."

"Have you ever had one of those days where everything just seems to fall apart?" She fixed me with a somber expression.

I lifted a shoulder, "Yeah… the day I realized I was gay. That pretty much changed my life completely."

"Yeah…" she fell silent for a moment. I have no doubt she was remembering everything we went through together. The many dates we went on, the countless make-out sessions, the time we went even further… All to test whether or not I was actually gay. And the entire time I _knew_, but I just didn't want to tell her. Instead, I watched her suffer as she tried to help me.

"Well," she started again. "There's not much I can do about it except try and accept it. Right?"

"Ellie Nash. That does _not_ sound like you at all. Since when do you give up so easily?" I put a shocked expression on my face.

"Listen, I tried playing Cupid. It worked for you and Sean, but my parents… No. It didn't. What else am I supposed to do?"

"Ellie, dear… When you don't succeed, what are you supposed to do?"

"Try, try again?"  
"_Exactly_." I couldn't help but smirk at her. "But, this time, with the help of a _very_ good friend."

**Ellie**

I finished wrapping the last present and threw it into the "girl" pile. There. All the presents for the day care center were wrapped and ready to go. Too bad every time I looked at the piles of "girl", "boy", and "ambiguous", my heart felt empty. It's like it still isn't enough. So yeah, I went out and bought a lot of toys and stuff, but isn't there anything else I could do?

I sighed and grabbed my phone. I need to call someone. I started dialing Sean's number before realizing that, once again, I'm turning to him. Maybe I should back off a bit? We've already spent most of our vacation so far together- maybe he needs a few days away from me. Maybe I need a few days away from him to get my thoughts back together.

Instead, I dialed Dan's number. A neutral_ adult_ who can give me some _real_ advice. "Hey Dan!" I chirped when he answered.

"Hey! Okay, what's wrong?"

"What do you mean 'what's wrong'?" Didn't he buy the whole fake Mary Sunshine act?

"I didn't buy the whole 'Hey Dan!' thing. It was a little too much."

"Yeah, well… I guess I'm not as good of an actress as I thought."

"Guess not. So, what's up?"

I sighed and leaned back against my bed, playing with the black rug on my floor. "Not too much. I was just sorting some toys I got for the day care center… It's kind of bumming me out, I guess."

"Why's that?"

"I don't know really. Just everything is bumming me out. Sean was mean to me the other day, my new boyfriend Ryan is just… not right for me, and my parents are actually getting divorced."

"Ouch. I'm sorry. Are you sure it's final, though?"

"Final? They just have to file the paperwork- that's how final it is. I feel as if I'm living in a soap opera or movie of the week right now…"

"What'd Sean do?"

"He's just acting short with me. I think the whole me-pushing-Christmas is getting to him. I'm _trying_ to tone it down, but sometimes it's just not easy."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. He'll get over it, though. And I'm sure, in the end, he'll thank you. Doesn't he always?" He chuckled a little.

"Yeah," I agreed, a little smile creeping onto my face. "He always does. He _knows_ I'm right."

"You always are. So… who is this new kid Ryan? Should I be worried?"

"No! He's a great guy and everything. He loves me. He told me he loves me."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah! I almost felt bad for his ex-girlfriend. I mean, she was _right there_. Must be painful to know you lost someone like him, right?" I smirked into the phone. That had to suck for Melanie or Megan or whatever her name had been. If I heard an ex-boyfriend of mine say they loved someone else, I'd go berserk. But let's face facts- my ex-boyfriends have all been jerks that lasted a week, or have died, or turned out to be gay, or… Well, there's still a chance for Sean to completely break my heart if he tells Nikki that he loves her.

Dan fell silent for awhile.

"Hello?" I called out into the phone. Did I lose service?  
He coughed. "I'm here. Well, he sounds great. But… just be careful, okay?"

"Of course. Careful is my middle name."

"I thought Danger was?"

"Nah, Party Girl remember?"  
"Yeah," he laughed. "I remember."

I peered over at the dress bag hanging from my closet door. "So, you still up to taking me to that formal?"  
"Of course. I wouldn't want to go with anyone else."

"Thanks. I got a dress today."

"Will it make everyone slobber?"

"Possibly."

"Perfect. The guys are going to love to see you again."

"Me too. Okay, well, I'm going to go and give Ryan a call. I'll talk to you soon?"  
"Yeah… And Els, don't believe everything you hear, okay?"

I hung up the phone and set it down, confused. What did he mean by that? Don't believe everything I hear? Well, of course I don't! I grazed my teeth over my lip before shrugging and dialing Ryan's number.

"Hey, whatcha doing?"

He giggled- seriously- and I heard him mumbling something to someone else. "Calm down,Jess!"

"Jess? Who's Jess?" My stomach was hit with a sudden pang? Who's Jess?

"Ellie? No one. Some… slut. Ha. Trying to get her away from me. Mmm. Um, where you at?"

"Are you high?"

"Maybe."

"Are you at a party?"

"No."

"You said you only got high at parties!"

_Then why didboth of youtake those pills yesterday?_

I shook my head and clenched my fist. "Is something going on Ryan?"

"No! Just- can you… tomorrow."

I threw my phone against the ground and groaned out loud. I _hate_ talking to people who make no sense. And why was he letting some slut be all over him? _Maybe she isn't a slut. Maybe it's his other girlfriend… _I can't believe I just thought that. He isn't cheating on me. Haven't I already gone through enough guys that cheated on me? There's no way that Ryan would cheat on me.

Still, I feel like crap.

I crawled over to my phone and dialed a number I had deleted from my phone book, but not my memory.

"I need something," I whimpered into the phone, laying on the floor like some loser.

"Hurry. Please."

I hung up the phone and threw it across the room. I can't believe I'm doing this. But what else am I supposed to do? This is what I know. This is how I've always dealt with problems. And let's face it- I, Ellie Nash, have _a lot_ of problems.

I turned my focus from the wall to the open door of my bathroom. I glared at the huge bathtub inside.

_FLASHBACK_

"I'm a big girl! I don't need help!" I pouted as Ms. Howard carried me into the bathroom.

"No, you're mommy said you need help. So, I'm supposed to help you. You're only six Eleanor."

"I'm a _big girl_!"

"Yes, you are a very smart girl, but you're not big enough to take a bath by yourself."

She pulled off my clothes and smiled at me.

"Now, get in the tub."

I pouted a little more, but slowly stepped in. The water wasn't as hot as I liked it. I giggled as she scrubbed the shampoo and conditioner in my hair, but she didn't make the witch's hat like my mommy did. That's how I knew this wasn't going to be the same as when my mommy gave me a bath.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

**Okay, it took forever to write this. I was in the process of moving back home for awhile there and now I'm using a laptop to write this and laptops and I don't get along. At all. So, it's been very frustrating to write this. I'll try and update sooner. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thanks!**


	44. Stealing Happy Hours

**Chapter 44: Stealing Happy Hours**

**Ellie**

The next morning, I opened my eyes just in time to see Jared put on his coat and start towards the door. I didn't bother saying anything- I didn't want him to stay or anything like that. I got what I wanted out of him- cocaine. I reached under my pillow and made sure the little plastic baggy was still there. I patted it and smiled. Yep. Still there.

I got the cocaine and the invitation to a _fabulous_ party tonight at an old acquaintance's house. No one from Degrassi would be there so I wouldn't have to worry about Jay or Alex walking in and seeing me doing a line or something. The thought of Jay sent a pang through my chest, and I tried to brush any thoughts of him out of my head. He tried. No one can say he didn't. But there are some things I'm just too deep in to get out of.

My eyes caught a glimpse of my dress bag hanging on my closet door. My dress for the Greek formal was in there. I can't wait to see Dan. I just want to have fun with a friend who doesn't judge me on every step I take. The phone rang next to me and I grabbed it before my mom could.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Hey, Sean." That's weird. Why was Sean calling me? I thought he was trying to get away from me these days.

"I'm sorry for the way I acted the other day."

"Nah, I'm the pushy one. I should just mind my own business."

"Yeah, well, sometimes I need someone to be pushy with me- to make me get off my ass and _do_ something. So, what are you doing today?"

"Well, as soon as I get up, I'm going to get ready and head over to the day care to hand out gifts. My dad's meeting me there with a few of his friends. You want to come?"

"I said I would before, right?"

"Yeah, I just didn't know if you still wanted to."

"Of course I do, kid. I can't leave you alone with all those romantic possibilities."

I laughed at the thought of my little "boyfriend" Trey and how protective he was of me. "Well, I was going to walk, but do you think you can manage to get Jay's car?"

"I can try."

"Cool. Pick me up around one. Bye." I put down the phone and stretched my arms above my head. So maybe this day wouldn't be too bad- volunteer work with Sean and my dad and his pals and then a party tonight. I swung my feet around and set them on the floor, wiggling my toes a bit. Last night had definitely been the pick-me-up that I needed. I hardly even remember why I was upset in the first place.

Oh, yeah. Ryan. And _Jess_. Maybe I should try and straighten that out before the party tonight. Maybe he wasn't really cheating on me. Maybe it was a friend or something. _Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Nash._ I wanted to believe it, though. I don't want to believe that, once again, I'm being hurt.

I looked outside and saw that fresh snow had covered the ground. I skimmed through my closet and picked out a pair of grey pants and a simple tight black top. I pulled my hair up into a side ponytail and added my usual eyeliner and smoky makeup. To show a little holiday spirit, I added a little light red shimmer to my eyes. Waterproof mascara and I was set.

"Ellie, are you going somewhere?"

I turned around and looked at my mom standing in the doorway. She was holding a glass and I wondered if it was really water or vodka. They're kind of both the same thing to her.

"I'm meeting dad to hand out the gifts for the kids," I explained shortly.

She nodded and a smile crept across her face. "Is he going to wear his Santa suit?"

My heart pounded as I remembered that my mom usually came to help, too. This year, I guess my dad and I hadn't thought of reminding her. She looked devastated standing there in the doorway.

"Probably," I answered. "Aren't you coming?"

"I didn't realize you two were going today. I don't want to butt in."

"Mom, you always go. Mimi will be heartbroken if you don't come." I knew if I mentioned Mimi my mom would give in. Mimi was one of the little girls who stayed at the center all the time- one of the orphans. She had been found in an abandoned car on the side of the road as a baby. Now she's four and the shyest little girl I've ever seen. My mom had warmed immediately to the little Asian-American baby.

Just as I predicted, my mom looked at her watch and shook her head with determination. "I have to go," she stated. "You just run along, and I'll be there shortly."

I smiled. I knew I planned on giving up on her and Dad, but... I guess Marco got to me. I _don't_ give up. Ellie Nash never gives up a fight. I don't know... maybe it's the secret hopeless romantic in me or something, but maybe I should give my parents one more shot.

**Sean**

"Turn here, right?" I glanced over at Ellie and she nodded.

"Yeah, and then take a right on Walnut. It's the third build- you know which one it is."

I followed her directions and pulled into the little parking lot to the side of the building. We got out of Jay's car and started towards the door, plowing through all the snow.

"I guess my dad's already here. Those are some of the company cars." She pointed to a few black cars on the other side of the lot. "My mom's coming in a second. My dad doesn't know."

"You think that's a good idea?"

"Well, he _should_ know she'd come. She's always come before. And maybe they'll see each other across a crowded room and it'll be some enchanted evening all over again."

"Huh?"

"It's from South Pacific... Nevermind. You ready to face up to Trey?"

"Yeah, I guess. But this time he has nothing to worry about."

"Yeah."

"But, hey, I understand why you chose him, Nash. It's hard keeping a guy interested in you."

She pushed me playfully and bit back a smile. We had been having this playful banter the entire car ride. It was actually comforting. This time, I really think we're going to get the whole friends thing right. We reached the entrance way and our mouths dropped open to see all the towers of presents that had accumulated in the small entry.

"Crap. It's gonna be harder to get in here than it is to get in your pants..." I murmured.

We made our way through the different piles of presents as Ellie rolled her eyes- but not without a grin. I saw the woman who ran the place talking to a group of men- including one man in a Santa Claus suit. What was her name again?

"Hi Cynthia!" Ellie waved and made her way over to the small group.

"Hi, Ellie! And you're... Sean, right?" Cynthia Rawles gave me a welcoming pat on the back.

I nodded and shook her hand. Ellie introduced me to the small group of men- all who worked with her dad: Carl, Evrett, Mercer, and Noel. The guy in the Santa suit pulled his beard down and gave Ellie a quick kiss on the cheek. I hadn't even realized it was her dad until he took that ridiculous beard off.

"Hi, Daddy!" Ellie hugged him and stood close to his side. "Mom's coming," she blurted out.

"What?" Her dad didn't sound too pleased. He gave a nervous laugh and crossed his arms. "When?"

"In a little bit. She always helps do this, Dad."

I watched as Ellie pulled her dad aside and talked to him in a hushed tone. He gave a long frustrated sigh and ran a hand across his eyes. All of a sudden, he looked fifteen years older and disheveled- not the usual calm and collected businessman he always used to be. "Fine, fine... Just... tell me when she gets here."

And he walked away.

I gave Ellie a shrug and she walked back over to me, shaking her head. "I don't understand, Sean. I really don't. How can two people love each other since they were _kids_ and all of a sudden decide they hate each other twenty-two years later?"

"Twenty-two years?"

"They've been in love with each other since _nine_. Seriously. My dad went up to my mom the first moment he saw her on the playground at school and told her 'I'm going to marry you'. Cute, huh?"

I thought of that sight in my mind. I couldn't even imagine Mr. Nash as a little kid on a playground proposing to a young Mrs. Nash. What goes on in a kid's head to make him do that? I never proposed to one of those girls I knew back in Wasaga when I was nine. I thought girls were the devil at nine.

At that moment, Ellie's mom decided to make a presence. She floated through the door- a cloud of cashmere and pearls. "Hello, Ellie. Sean." She gave me a pointed look. A look that clearly asked "why the hell are you here when you hurt my daughter?". I remained stone faced. I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of lashing out at her.

"Mom, Dad's in there." Ellie pointed towards the office and gave a hopeful look.

"So?" Her mom wasn't cooperating. Obviously, there was still a lot of tension between Ellie's parents.

Ellie sighed and grabbed my arm. "Let's go. I want to set my video camera up so we can capture this _lovely_ moment..."

We walked into the big playroom and set her video camera bag down. As soon as her arms were empty, a crowd of children swarmed Ellie and started climbing all over her.

"Ellie!"

"Play with me!"

"No! Play with _me_!"

"Tea party!"

"Barbies!"

"Ninjas!"

I laughed as she tried to calm all of them down, telling each one of them she'd play with them. Trey came up and started pushing the other children away. "Back off! She's mine!"

I laughed even more as he wrapped his arms around her leg and rested his cheek against it, pouting a little.

"_Trey_, the others can play with me, too," Ellie was trying to be diplomatic. Trey wasn't hearing it. His big brown eyes swelled up with tears and he ran away, hiding himself under a table.

A little girl with blonde curls tugged on my fingers. "Hi," she greeted me softly.

"Hi," I said back.

She spoke so quietly, I had to kneel down next to her to even be able to hear her. "Were you here before?"

"Yep. My name's Sean."

"Mine's Gracie."

"I remember you."

She giggled and rocked side to side, one hand still holding on to my fingers and her other hand next to her mouth so she could suck on her finger.

"Hey, Gracie!" Ellie kneeled down on her other side and Gracie flung herself into Ellie's arms. Ellie squeezed her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "How've you been, sweetie?"

"_Sad_," she pouted.

"Why's that?"

"I miss you all the time!"

"Well, I miss you all the time, too." Ellie smiled at me and I decided to give them their moment. I wondered over to a table full of boys as they played with Legos.

"What are you making?"

"A building."

"Cool. Can I help?"

"Yeah!" They all shouted in unison. I pulled a pile of Legos over towards me and started adding them to the unusually-shaped building on the table. I looked back at Ellie out of the corner of my eye and saw her sitting on the ground, Gracie in her lap playing with her ponytail. I hoped Cynthia, who was going around taking pictures, would capture that moment.

"Hey, man! Are you going to help or stare at your _girlfriend_ all day?"

I raised my eyebrows and turned my attention back to the little boy to my left. His name tag said Graham. He arched his eyebrow back at me, and I was struck by how much he reminded me of myself at a young age. His baggy jeans, smaller t-shirt, messy dark blonde hair... It was like looking at an old picture of me.

"She's not my _girlfriend_."

"Your loss."

**Gracie**

I ran my fingers along the tip of Ellie's ponytail and continued to suck on my other finger. I couldn't wait until Santa Claus came, and Ellie was telling me how it took a whole group of elves to get the presents here. All of a sudden I heard the bells and turned my face up towards Ellie, squealing in delight. "Santy!"

"Yeah! That's Santa Claus I bet."

"Santy! Santy! Santy!" I jumped up and down on her lap and she picked me up, carrying me with her towards the door.

The boy who came with her followed us and stood next to her. I lightly kicked him in the arm with my shoe and he turned towards me. I giggled and hid my face shyly into Ellie's neck. He tickled under my knee and I giggled even more.

"Don't tickle my little girl!" Ellie shielded me from Sean and I stuck my tongue out playfully.

He did the same.

"Ho! Ho! Ho!"

"_SANTA!_" The entire playroom broke out into screams as Santa Claus walked into the room, jiggling his belly. Three elves followed him. And then a woman.

Mimi, my best friend, ran to the front of the group and bounced on her heels as the woman came and stood by her. I forget who this woman is, but Mimi always hangs all over her. Just like I do with Ellie. I've never seen her look so excited. Mimi, that is. Not Ellie.

Mrs. Rawles came in and clapped her hands. "Now, who's ready for cookies and punch?"

We all screamed in response and she laughed. She told us to get into two lines and follow her into the room where we eat our food. "Come with me! Don't let me down," I told Ellie.

She held me closer and we got into our place in line. It took _hours_ before we sat back down at a table and started eating. I quickly finished off my first cookie and started on my second. Sean was already on his fourth. "You eat too fast. You're going to get sick!" I mimicked what Mrs. Rawles always told us.

"That's not true!"

"Yes it is!"

"No it's not!"

"Yes it is!"

"No it's- why am I arguing with you? You're, like, _four_."

"Four and a _half_," I corrected him. I held up my four fingers and stuck my thumb out half of the way.

"_Yeah, Sean_. She's four and a _half_." Ellie always takes my side. We're best friends.

Sean rolled his eyes and swallowed down his cup of punch. "I'm ready for more. You ready for more, Gracie?"

I shook my head no. "I'm watching my figger."

"Figger?"

"Figure," Ellie explained. I beamed up at her as she played with my curls.

"Not you, too. Why can't girls ever be happy with how they look?" Sean shook his head and disappeared over to the cookie table.

"Is he your boyfriend?" I looked up at Ellie.

She shook her head. "Nope. Not anymore."

"What happened?"

"We're just friends now. That's all."

"Things didn't work out?"

"No. I guess things didn't. Why are you so nosy all of a sudden? Gotta crush on him?"

I scrunched my nose. "Too old. I like..." I whispered the name. "Graham!"

Ellie gave me a surprised look. "But he's already _six_!"

"Age ain't nothing but a number!" I repeated what I heard Nancy, one of the other nice ladies that comes around, always say.

"Where'd you hear _that_? I don't know if that's true."

"Nancy."

"Yeah, well... Nancy acts a little young for her age. But don't tell her I said that. Promise?"

"Cross my T's and dot my I's." That was mine and Ellie's own little special saying. That means we promise.

"I almost had to bulldoze all the kids over. They wouldn't let me near the cookies." Sean sat back down with about ten more cookies on his plate.

"You are going to get sick, Sean," Ellie winked at me.

"We'll see. Just be glad Jay isn't here. Those kids would be have broken arms and legs by now."

"Who is Jay?" I looked at Sean curiously.

"My friend."

"Why isn't he here?"

"Well... This isn't his sort of thing."

"What isn't his sort of thing."

"_This_."

"Fun isn't his sort of thing?" I raised my eyebrows like I had seen Ellie do so many times and rolled my eyes around in my head. Sean let of spray of punch spit out of his mouth and he quickly covered it.

"You need to stop hanging around with Ellie," he ordered me.

"Never!" I shrieked and held onto her arm. "She's going to take me home with her some day."

Just thinking of it made me excited. She had promised me last year that she'd never let me stay here forever. She told me as soon as she turned eighteen she was going to take me out of here. I don't know when she turns eighteen, but I hope it's soon. She said we'd get a house together and we'd plant a garden and I could have a pony if I wanted one. I do want one. And I'll name if Fievel after that mouse from that movie.

**Ellie**

I put Gracie on my shoulders and walked her over to where Santa Claus was sitting so she could be closest to him when he handed out presents. She hung around his legs a little before finally catapulting herself onto his lap.

"Argh!" My dad groaned as she scrambled to a seat in his lap and played with his beard.

"And who might this be?"

"Santa!" she squealed.

"It can't be! Is this really little Gracie? Have you really grown this much?"

"Have I? Have I grown?"

"Yes! You're such a big girl now!"

"Almost like Ellie?"

"Almost like Ellie."

"Yay!" she flung her arms in the air and giggled.

I blushed a little. I've never had someone be so... admiring. She wanted to be _just_ like me no matter what. No one's ever looked at me the way she does. With her, I do nothing wrong. I'm perfect. And while everyone else's role model is Mickey Mouse or Wayne Gretszky, she once wrote that _I_ was her role model. _Me_. Freaky Ellie Nash was someone's role model. I normally don't play favorites at the center, but I can't help but think of Gracie as my little star.

"She really likes you, huh?" Sean muttered to me.

I turned my head and raised my eyebrows. "Yeah, she does."

"I don't see why..." he teased, nudging me in the ribs with his elbow.

"Ha ha," I laughed sarcastically.

"Okay, who's ready for gifts?" My dad boomed out in his best Santa Claus imitation.

The kids all shouted that they were ready and my dad started to hand out presents to the kids. They furiously ripped through the wrapping paper (which I had painstakingly wrapped) and tossed it on the ground. My mom started trailing behind them, picking up the pieces of wrapping paper and throwing them into a large trash bag.

The kids oohed and aahed over the dolls and trucks and stuffed animals and all the other presents we gave them. My dad saved the biggest presents for last. He asked Cynthia to come up and unwrap them herself.

"What _is_ all this?" she asked, slightly embarrassed from the attention. Her cheeks were flushed as she stood next to a large wrapped box.

"Open it, Cynthia!" My mom called out.

She shrugged and started to tear at the wrapping paper. Once she was finished, she revealed a brand new computer. "Oh my God!" Cynthia put her hands to her cheeks and stared at the box. "Is this for real?"

"On behalf of everyone from Infinity Projects, we'd like to present to you three new computers. The other two will be delivered next week. Also included is a series of educational CD-ROMS and other games the kids can play."

"Thank you so much!" I swear I saw a tear slide from Cynthia's eye.

She opened the next present to reveal a large "makeup studio" vanity. All the girls screamed and started running for it, excited at all the possibilities this brought them.

"Ellie, will you let us color you?" they asked, looking up at me with big eyes.

I laughed. "Yeah, you can put makeup on me. Later, though."

After Cynthia unwrapped all the presents, my dad AKA Santa Claus stood up again one more time. "There's one more thing. Infinity Projects would also appreciate if you would give us the opportunity to add on to your home."

"Excuse me?"

"Infinity Projects would like to add a new wing to the center, as well as build a new playground outside."

The room was chaos after that. Cynthia screamed for joy and wrapped her arms around everyone in the room. Seeing her so happy got the kids all riled up and _they_ started jumping around and hugging everybody.

"Are we getting new swings?" Gracie asked me.

"Yep. You are!"

"Yay!"

Sean tapped me on the shoulder, and I turned around. "Is your dad seriously doing that?"

"Yeah, why would he say he was if he wasn't."

"I don't know..."

"My dad loves these kids."

"I didn't realize that... he was so..."

"Giving? Charitable? Kind? Yeah, he is." It was nice for Sean to see a different side of my father. All he's really seen is the father who gets home late or is always working to bother with anything else. But this is why my dad works so hard- so he can give back. I looked back at my dad, ready to go tell him what a great job he and everyone had done. But he wasn't alone. In fact, he was talking to my mom. And they didn't look so angry...

I pretended to busy myself with picking up wrapping paper my mom hadn't gotten and other trash on the floor. Carefully, I made my way closer to them.

"Ellie needs to see you more. I can hardly control her, you know. She doesn't listen to a thing I say."

"She's a good kid."

"Do you know who I saw sneaking out of the house today?"

"Who?"

"Jared. You know- that little weasel that pushes drugs on poor little girls like Ellie?"

"Ellie's over that, Elisabeth. Trust her."

"I do. I just don't trust him. You know Ellie's weak when it comes to that..."

My breath caught in my throat. Who does she think she is calling me weak? I'm _not_ weak. I'm not. I swear. Why is she even telling my dad this? It's not like he can do anything.

"Just leave her alone."

"Easy for you to say! You never see her! You're not around when she comes home strung out and-..."

I do _not_ come home strung out. Wait, did she see me after I came home from Ryan's that one night? Great, the first time I do anything bad since "going clean", and she sees me. It figures.

"Get a life, Elisabeth."

Don't say that, Dad...

"I'll try, but it's hard when my husband walks out on me. The man who I devoted my entire life to. I don't even know who I am without you."

"Well I suggest you figure it out."

"Christian..." My mom wrung her hands together. "Can't we talk some more about this?"

"Lis, it's final. Seriously. I'm going to meet with my lawyers soon and-..."

"That's what you keep saying. Soon. You'll met with the lawyers soon. You said that weeks ago. But you haven't yet. And you know what that means? That means you still love me and don't really want to divorce me."

Go, Mom! All of a sudden, I was _really_ liking my mom right now.

"Don't do that. Don't get your hopes up."

"I hope you know you're hurting Ellie. She can barely stand not being with you."

"Don't bring her into this. It has nothing to do with her."

"It has _everything_ to do with her. She's our daughter for God's sake. You have no idea how hard it's been having to tell her we're actually divorcing. She barely talks to me. When she's home she goes straight to her room and never comes out. I don't even know what she's doing in there!"

My dad was crumbling. I could tell. He was starting to run his hand through his hair, something he always does when he's nervous. "Really?" he asked softly.

"Yes. Really. All I can do is worry about what she's doing in there. And I haven't touched a drink in weeks, Christian. Promise."

"I don't know..."

"Can't we just talk about this over dinner or something?"

Yes! Yes! Talk about it over dinner.

"What are you doing?"

I yelped when Sean fell onto his hands and knees next to me. "You scared me!"

"Are you listening in to your parent's conversation?"

"Of course I am. I think they're going to get back together!" I flashed him a hopeful look and crossed my fingers.

"I just... I don't know. Let's just talk about this later." My dad got up and walked across the room to help set up the computer. My mom stared after him, her lower lip trembling a little. For the first time in awhile, I felt really sorry for my mom. She _has_ been trying to get it together. I don't know if she was telling the truth when she said she hadn't touched a drink in weeks, but I knew she was getting better. She's been escaping in her work, yes, but I haven't had to clean up her puke or help her to bed or anything lately.

I just hope my dad sees this, too. If he doesn't- and they don't get back together- I honestly don't know what I'll do.

* * *

"Okay, girls. Now the first step of creating a beautiful face is _always_ moisturizer. Got that?" I turned around in my little white makeup jacket and looked at the group of girls sitting around me.

"Yes, Ms. Nash!" They all responded.

"Now, I've picked a moisturizer for _sensitive_ skin because Seanny here has _very_ vulnerable skin. Right, Sean?" I smirked at the squirming Sean in the makeup chair.

"Sensitive skin. Yeah," he answered. "My ass," he said under his breath.

I spread the face cream on his face and rubbed it in. "Next, we're going to give him great cheekbones. Now the secret to that is this right here. Anybody know what this is? No? Okay, well it's..." I went on explaining the beauty regiment to all the girls as they stared in awe at my masterpiece. Plain old Sean was slowly becoming a very effeminate Sean- er, Shawna, if you will- right before their very eyes. "Now, the most important step- besides moisturizer- is this. This is eyeliner, girls. Can you say that?"

"Eyeliner!"

"Great. Now, eyeliner is every girl's- and guy's, in this case- best friend. Eyeliner does wonderful things. Now, you spread it here and here. And then you smudge it a tad with this end. Now, I don't suggest you girls try this until you're older. After all, you can _poke your eye out_."

They all shrieked in fear and clutched onto each other.

"Geeze! Watch that torture device!" Sean leaned back in the chair as I came at him with the eyeliner.

"Calm down, it's only eyeliner."

"It's dangerous. I don't want my eye poked out."

"Sean, I do this every day. I know what I'm doing. I could do it with my eyes closed. Here, I'll even attempt-..."

"Stop!"

I laughed and attacked him with the pencil. "See girls, doesn't he look beautiful now?"

They all giggled behind their hands as Sean sent me a murderous look. I batted my eyes back at him and reached for the eyeshadow. He made a big show of sighing as he closed his eyes to let me sweep it across his lid. "Okay, now the secret to eyeshadow is this..."

**Sean**

"Well, that was humiliating." I slammed the door shut after holding it open for Ellie.

"You loved it. You looked _great_." She flipped down the mirror and smirked at her reflection.

"Yeah, I love having girly stuff put all over my face. How do you girls do it?"

"Do what?"

"Wear makeup!"

"We just... do..."

"So, what are you doing tonight?"

She hesitated in her answer. Oh, yeah. Right.

"Probably going on a date with Ryan. That loser."

"Excuse me?"

I hoped I wasn't blushing. I didn't mean to say that out loud. "Just kidding, Red."

"Nice try. What's wrong with Ryan?" she stared out the window, not making eye contact at me. At least it'd be easier to lie.

"Nothing. He's just taking up a lot of your time."

"In case you don't recall, you're the one who's been pushing me away lately."

I knew she was right. Things were just getting... difficult between us. But now... Now I feel like we're actually _just friends_. "You're right. Sorry. Nothing's wrong with him. I just don't know him that well, I guess."

"He's a great guy." She sounded like she was trying to convince herself of that. I didn't harp on it, though. Really, why should I care? I've got Nikki.

"So, are you doing anything tonight?" For some reason, I desperately wanted to hang out with her. To talk to her. I wanted her to come over and force me to bake Christmas cookies or something lame like that.

"Going out with Ryan."

We laughed before letting an uncomfortable silence hang in the car. I pulled in front of her house and put the car in park before jumping out of my seat to hold her door open. "There you go." She got out of the car and thanked me.

"So, what are you doing tomorrow?" I figured I'd try again.

"Nothing."

"Good. So, call me?" I walked her to her door and stood on the doorstep as she opened the front door.

"Yeah, I will. Thanks for coming."

"No problem."

We stood there for awhile. What were we supposed to do? Shake hands? Hug? Wave? All of it seemed so... lame. Finally she stepped forward and we caught each other in an awkward hug. It lasted for a few seconds before we let go.

I looked back up at her window before driving off. Making sure she turned her light on. There goes the light. She's in safely. She looked out the window and waved me off. I raised my hand in response and started to head back down the driveway. A raw feeling was left in my stomach.

**Yay, new chapter! So, there you go. I finally updated. I though it was a fun little cute chapter. I don't know why I put Gracie's POV in there, but I did... I just wanted to do something a little different. Next chapter: Ellie will go to the party, her and Sean will hang out, and perhaps the Greek formal will be in the next chapter. **

**Here's a preview:**

I took another gulp out of the bottle and relished at how much it burned as it slid down my throat. Since when have I become my mother? I used to be so _good_. And then everything just sort of got fucked up. I can't even explain _how much _everything got fucked up. I was well aware that I was stumbling around like an idiot, but who cares? I barely knew anyone here. I'd probably never see them again. It's not like anyone from Degrassi was even here.

"Ellie?"

I lifted my head up and stared at the boy in front of me. How did I end up on the floor?

J.T. Yorke stood in front of me, cigarette in one hand, beer in the other. He put the cigarette in his mouth and extended a hand to help me up.

"You smoke?" I asked lamely. I took the cigarette out of his hand and took a hit.

"When I drink."

"Same here," I slurred. At least, I think that's what I said.

He laughed and his scrawny shoulders shook. "Who do you know here?"

"Jared."

"Jared... who?"

"I forget his last name." What _is _his last name? Lame, since I've known him forever.

"Sean here with you?"

"No. Why would he be?"

"Aren't you two joined at the hip?"

"Not lately. I have another boyfriend. Ryan. I don't know where he is. He's probably fucking cheating on me or something, but I don't care. It's normal." I tried to stop myself from rambilng, but couldn't.

"Nah, that's not normal. Maybe you should sit down."

"Maybe I should."

"Want to hit it?" he pulled out a joint from his pocket and held it in front of me.

I licked my lips. Not my drug of choice. But at least it was something. Especially since those losers cut me off from everything else.

J.T. Yorke is my new best friend.

**And also ahead:**

I pushed my hands into Jimmy's chest to get him away from me. "Stay away!" I shouted like a maniac. I tried to breeze past him but ended up falling on my hands and knees in the wet grass.

"What is wrong with you? I barely touched you!" he yelled. He bent down to help me up, but I shook him off.

"Just get away. I don't want to talk to you."

"You're strung out. Come on, you need to sleep."

"Get your hands _off _of me!"

Jimmy backed away from me slowly. "Fine. I tried to help. I'm outta here."

I watched as his figure became smaller and smaller. I looked around. The lights in the house were on. The music was loud. A few people were starting to trickle outdoors. I don't even remember how I ended up here. All I remember was seeing _him_. Seeing _him _with another girl. And I thought _I_ was special. Suddenly, I felt lonelier than ever.

"Wait!" I called out after Jimmy, trying to run towards him the best that I could. The mixture of alcohol and whatever else I had done was making it hard, though. I stumbled a few steps before falling in a heap in the grass.

He came back, though. And he kneeled next to me. "You want me to call Sean?"

"No," I sniffled. I was too embarrassed. Anyway, I didn't need to burden Sean with my problems.

"You want to tell me what's going on?"

"I saw _him_."

"Who's _him_?"

"He- he used to be my teacher. He- he fucking _touched _me!" I blurted out. All of a sudden I was in a drunken rage, beating my fists into the grass, tearing at it, anything to get rid of all this rage I had kept inside all this time. Everything that tormented me was being remembered as I punched the ground. That _woman_. _Him_. Jess. My bloody compass. The slap. My parents. Loneliness. Everything was coming out in random spurts of words that barely made sense.

I can't believe I was falling apart right in front of Jimmy Brooks- the most popular guy in school. And me, the basket case.

It figures.


	45. Black

**Chapter 45: Black**

**Ellie**

I smudged the eyeliner thick under my eye, making my usually dark makeup even _more_ dark. I couldn't help but recall a photo of Kate Moss as I looked at my eyes in the mirror. I guess there are worse things than resembling Kate Moss. Far worse things. I turned my head to look at my clock. Fifteen minutes until Ryan arrived to go to the party.

Ryan.

Yeah.

Back with him. I can't really _prove_ he was cheating on me, right? It's not like I had a undercover detective spying on him or something (which, I should consider in future relationships), and I'm all about giving the benefit of the doubt. Innocent until proven guilty. All that jazz.

I quickly through my hair up into a messy updo and pulled my new pair of pointy leather boots on. They reached up to my thighs, allowing only a little of my leg to show before the hem of my distressed jean skirt. I heard Ryan honk outside at 9:20 and hurried a little to get all my things together. Purse. Check. Cell phone. Check. Jewelry on. Check. I was ready.

I took one last look in the mirror. Not too bad. I turned to my side and checked the situation with the tummy. A frown screwed up my face as I pinched the skin that showed between the bottom of my top and the top of my low slung skirt. A honk sounded outside again and I sighed in frustration. Why did he have to be so impatient? It was only 9:45.

Had I really been checking myself out for twenty-five minutes? Nah. The clock was wrong. I pulled camel colored corduroy jacket over my black lace see-through top and headed outside. My mom was out with her friends for a late dinner and cappuccino.

"It's about time," Ryan barked when I slid into his car. I rolled my eyes and adjusted my skirt so I wasn't hanging all out.

"Whatever," I muttered. Great. Already I'm getting annoyed with his attitude. What happened to the cute and funny Ryan I met? All of a sudden he's rude and angry and... just not someone I want to be around. Not that that stopped me from calling him the second I got home and inviting him to the party.

"So..." I stared at him in the dark car. "What have you been up to? It feels like forever since we've talked."

"Yeah, well, that might have something to do with the fact that you accused me of cheating on you."

"Sorry." I don't know why I apologized, but I did. He can't blame me for thinking that when I hear _Jess_ in the background and he's strung out on whatever pills he's popping these days.

"Who's party is this again?"

"His name's Bryce Jennings. Do you know him?"

"No."

"Yeah, I don't know him so much either. One of my friend's does."

"Are you going to give me directions?" He sounded frustrated and annoyed.

"No, I'm going to with-hold them from you," I snapped back sarcastically.

Ryan didn't appreciate my tone and grabbed my upper arm roughly, "Don't _talk_ to me like that. Learn your place."

My place? _My place_? What did he mean by _that_? I _know_ my place. He needs to learn his. I coldly gave him directions to the party, ready to get out of the stuffy car and grab my first drink. I sprung out of the car as soon as he parked and stalked towards the large cabin-like house, already overspilling with party goers. I didn't recognize anyone, but who cared. I was here for the alcohol and drugs anyway.

"If you're going to act like a fucking bitch, go ahead. I just thought that we could have a chill time tonight... with _each other_." Ryan slipped on past me and a pang of guilt hit me. Was I overreacting? He did seem hurt. Maybe I shouldn't have been so hard on him. Maybe he was just having a bad day.

I decided to get a drink and let him chill out a little before I searched him out. I headed over towards the keg and grabbed a cup of beer. Downing it, I looked around the crowded room for a glimpse of Ryan. No such luck. Well... I might as well drink something else until he comes back.

This time I headed over towards the bar in the corner of the room and looked through the different bottles. Recklessly, I decided to just mix whatever was there. I filled a cup up of my own concoction and took a sip. Not bad. Not bad at all. It burned as it went down and a warm feeling starting to grow in my stomach.

An hour later, I was chatting with some girl and guy about... I don't know what about. Our topic of conversation was ranging from some movie that had just come out to people at the party to... well... I don't know. I laughed at something random and fell to my knees in a shaking fit. I'm not exactly sure what the guy said that was so funny, but it was _funny_!

I took another gulp out of the bottle I was holding and relished at how much it burned as it slid down my throat. Since when have I become my mother? I used to be so _good_. And then everything just sort of got fucked up. I can't even explain _how much_ everything got fucked up. I was well aware of the fact that I was no stumbling around like an idiot, but who cares? I barely know anyone here. My own boyfriend is God knows where. I'd probably never see anybody from this party again. It's not like anyone from Degrassi was even here.

"Ellie?"

I lifted my head up and stared at the boy in front of me. Wait. How did I end up back on the floor?

J.T. Yorke stood in front of me, a cigarette in one hand, beer in the other. He put the cigarette in his mouth and extended a hand to help me up.

"You smoke?" I asked lamely. I took the cigarette out of his mouth and took a small hit.

"Only when I drink."

"Same here," I slurred. At least, I think that's what I said.

He laughed and his scrawny shoulders shook. "Who do you know here?"

"Jared."

"Jared... who?"

"I forget his last name." What _is_ his last name? Lame, since I've known him forever.

"Bryce is my cousin. Sean here with you?"

"No. Why would he be?"

"Aren't you two joined at the hip or something?"

"Not lately. I have another boyfriend... Ryan. I don't even know where he is. He's probably fucking cheating on me or something, but I don't care. It's normal." I tried to stop myself from rambling, but it was hard. Now, I should be fair. Maybe Ryan is just playing pool or something.

"Nah, that's not normal. Maybe you should sit down."

"Maybe I should."

"Want to hit it?" He pulled out a joint from his pocket and held it in front of me.

I licked my lips. Not my drug of choice. But at least it was something. My head was screaming at me to not do it. _Don't do it, Ellie. Don't do it._

I took the joint from him and hit it.

J.T. Yorke was is my new best friend.

* * *

I laughed as J.T. twirled my around a little. We were high. We were definitely high. The room spun as we danced in a circle. The song changed from some rock party hit or whatever to "Ass Like That". Now, I'm not one to become totally uninhibited or anything, but, hell, I was drunk. I didn't care who was watching. I put my back against J.T. and started doing my best moves. I pressed my back against him and started grinding to the music. I heard him laugh. "This song was written for you," he observed.

I was aware that my ass was practically hanging out of my skirt, but did I care? No. I just kept "dropping it like it's hot" or whatever that ridiculous saying is. J. T.'s hands roamed around to my stomach and to my thighs to my ass. I can't believe I'm dancing like this with Toby's best friend, but whatever. I'll probably never talk to him again.

I turned around and threw my arms around his neck. He was shorter than Sean so it wasn't such a stretch for me. We were acting like complete goofballs- dancing over the top, like one of those rap videos or something. I couldn't help but laugh at how stupid we probably looked, but what the hell. It was _fun_.

Pretty soon, we had an entire group of people around us, dancing just as crazily. J. T. pulled me into a tango and we started darting around the room, every now and then going back to our "booty call" dance as J. T. so eloquently put it.

And the entire time, I didn't think of Ryan once.

* * *

I lifted my head off of the arm of the sofa slowly and groaned a little. Yep, the room was definitely still spinning. Not as much. But spinning. I yawned and looked at my watch. It was nearing three in the morning. Where was Ryan? I hadn't seen him at all. I guess I didn't really go looking for him as I had planned, but, still, why hadn't he come to get a drink or anything?

I shifted myself so my legs weren't flung out in a spread-eagle anymore and brought my feet to the floor. I teetered a bit on my heels as I stood up. I was going to do a full house search until I found Ryan. The most logical plan would be to start at the top and work my way down. I climbed the stairs sluggishly and ran my fingers through the pieces of hair that had fallen out of my updo and were floating in front of my face. I bet I looked _real _attractive.

I started at the end of the hall and opened each door. I put my hand on the last door and turned it quietly. I had already interrupted one couple; I didn't want to interrupt another. Ah, the party hookups. I'm glad those days are behind me. Even though my loser of a boyfriend was once a party hookup himself.

I opened the door quickly, peeked inside, and went to close it again. I stopped suddenly and pushed it back open. The door creaked as it swung open and revealed a naked couple. A naked boy and girl. A naked _Ryan_ with another girl. I stood shocked in the doorway.

But was I really shocked? What did I expect? Hadn't I accused him of cheating yesterday? Was this Jess? My mind was springing forward with so many questions, I didn't know which one to ask first.

"Ryan!" I spat.

He jumped at the sound of my voice and I'm sure I was a sight. I crossed my arms and tapped my foot repeatedly. I wonder how long it'll take for him to explain this one to me. I also wonder how long it'll take that slut to get her clothes on and get the hell away from me before I grab her by her roots.

"Who are you?" she complained, obviously a little intoxicated.

"His girlfriend. You?"

"Jess, just go," Ryan whispered, putting his clothes back on.

"_Oh_. So _this_ is Jess." I gave her a once-over. "I would have rather you cheated on me with something with a little more _class_, but I guess the whole white trash works, too."

Jess pulled on her tiny skirt and tank top. I couldn't help but wonder why the hell she was dressed like that in the dead of winter, but didn't care enough to ask her. She isn't worth my time. She brushed past me, and I shot her a murderous look.

"I can explain."

I turned my attention back to Ryan and my shoulders dropped. This hurts. It really does. It seems like no matter what I do, no matter how much of a good girlfriend I am, I'm always cheated on. That's how it was back in Montreal; I guess it will be same here. You'd think I would be used to it by now, but I'm not.

I should have seen it coming.

"I'm sorry."

Sorry isn't going to cut it, buddy.

"It'll never happen again."

That's right. Because I'm leaving. I turned to leave and he pulled me back hard by the shoulder.

"Because... I realize... I really am in love with you."

All the air in my left. I could barely breathe. Did he really just say that?

"You do?" I asked softly.

No! No! No! Ellie, don't do this. I wanted to be able to have some sort of out-of-body experience so I could yell at myself and force myself to just face the facts. But that's not possible. So, instead, I'm screaming two different things. Half of me is saying: kick him to the curb. And the other half is saying: believe him. Give him one more chance.

"I love everything about you."

"You do?"

"I do."

"Like what?"

I needed proof.

"Your... your... face. Your body. Your lips."

Slowly, I smiled. It's not that it was even original. I mean, come on. Everybody says this. So why was I falling for it?

"You promise never again?"

"I promise."

He grabbed my hand, and I let him. Here I go again. I might as well be dragging a compass through my arms. At least it'd probably hurt less.

He pulled me in for a kiss, and I let him kiss me. I didn't feel that special spark or any kind of warmth come over me, but... well... I'm a lonely person. I like having some sort of affection, even if it's forced. And that's sad. Because I deserve so much better.

* * *

"You find him?"

I smiled at J. T. and nodded, taking the cup of beer he held out for the ride home. "Yeah, I found him."

"Was he cheating on you?" he teased.

I didn't answer. I think my look was good enough. His mouth fell open with shock when he saw Ryan come down and put his arm around me.

"Hey, I'll see you in school after break, I guess." I waved and headed off.

"You deserve better!" I heard him shout after me. A cold feeling was starting to spread in my stomach.

Ryan's grip on my shoulder tightened and I tried to loosen his touch. "Don't listen to that asshole. He's just a loser with no life. He's probably never even gotten a piece of ass."

_Why do I even like you?_ I stiffened. "Don't talk about him like that. He's a good guy."

"Sure. He's a nerd. I can't believe he just talked to you."

"What happened to you?" I blurted out. I regretted my words as soon as they left my mouth. I _know_ this is going to end badly.

"What do you mean?"

"You're not the same. What happened to the Ryan that took me bowling and roller skating?" Who made me laugh and feel good.

"Do you have to be so dramatic all the time? I'm still the same Ryan." His cell phone rang and he answered it. Rude.

I listened to him talk on the phone. He walked away from me a little bit and started whispering into his phone furiously. Who was he talking to? What was he saying? I heard the word "later". What was he going to do later?

"Bye. Okay, so what were you saying?" He went to grab my hand again, but I pulled away.

"Who was that?"

"No one."

"Tell me."

"It wasn't anyone."

"Well, obviously it's a girl. Because if it wasn't, you would have told me it was one of your friends."

"Sure, it was a girl. But she's just a friend. She's, like, a freaking slut. She doesn't matter."

"Like Jess was? Why is every girl you talk to a 'slut'? Is that how you view all women or something?"

"I can't believe you're starting with this feminist shit. You need to learn your place."

I cracked. "Oh, yeah? And what exactly _is_ my place? Huh?" I shouted. I felt my cheeks get warm.

"Calm down. You're so fucking crazy. Let's just get in the car and go home."

"I'm not getting in the car with you."

"I'm not leaving you here."

"Why won't you just tell me if you want to see me still or not? Why are you keeping me hanging on like some pathetic worshiper or yours or something? Do you really love me?"

He looked around impatiently. His phone rang again and he started to answer it. Before he could, I grabbed it out of his hands and threw it on the ground. "I'm _talking_ to you. That means you don't answer your phone and start flirting with your other girlfriend."

"Hey!" he pushed me out of the way and grabbed his phone off of the snow. Beer sloshed onto my skirt. "What's your problem? What do you want me to say?"

I thought about it for a second. "The truth."

"Fine. The truth is... Oh, come on, El. Why do you we have to do this?"

"Because it's important to me! I don't want to be in a relationship where someone is cheating on me all the time and doesn't even really care about me! I've been through that before. It's not fun."

"I do care about you."

"How come I don't see it?"

"I don't know. That's your problem to figure out."

He started off for his car again, but I held my ground. He took a few steps before realizing I wasn't following him. "You coming or not?"

I wrapped my arms around myself and shook my head. "I can't trust you. How do I know you won't cheat on me again?"

"Why can't you get over this whole cheating thing?"

"Because it just happened like five minutes ago! That's why!" I was furious. Why was he acting like it was _nothing_? _Maybe because you did..._ I flung my hands around. "I can't believe I forgave you! I can't believe I said we could try this again. It's obviously not going to work. Look at you, you don't know how to treat a woman! You're just a chauvinistic bastard!"

"And you're a little _cunt_!" he seethed.

I gripped my cup and threw the beer all of his face.

And then he slapped me.

I stumbled back- more from sadness and shock than from the physicality. A guy has never hit me before. I've been used by guys and abused every other way by guys, but never physically. I put a shaky hand up to my cheek and felt the warmth from where his hand had connected with it. The expression on his face was proof of what had just happened. He stared back at me, his mouth opening and closing, trying to form words.

"I- I'm so sorry. I never meant to-..."

I cut him off. "_That's it!_ I don't ever want to see you again. So just leave. Don't call me. Don't think about me. We're just-..."

"I'm _sorry_," he choked out.

"I know. But... We're just not right for each other. I should have never compromised myself for you. I'm so much better than the way I act with you. And you're so much better than the way you act around me."

"I didn't try to hurt you," he tried one more time.

"Bye," I said firmly. I turned around and walked back to the house. Maybe I could get a ride from J. T..

**J. T. **

"What happened?" I stared in shock as Ellie came back through the door, her face red and her hand covering her cheek. She looked heartbroken.

"Nothing," she whispered, heading towards the bathroom. I could see tears starting to fill her eyes.

"No, tell me!" Ever since I can remember, I've had this fierce protectiveness for girls. I don't know if it's just because I _love_ women or I hate the way they're treated sometimes or if I'm just a protective person, but I've always stood up for the women in my life. Like Emma when she went to meet that jerk Jordan from the internet. And Paige when she was raped by Dean. And Manny when everyone was treating her like she was crap. And now... Who would have thought I'd ever be protective of Ellie Nash- Degrassi's alternative. Degrassi's "freak".

"You have to tell me," I pushed. There was no way I was going to let her go on being sad like this. Something had happened after she left the party.

"Ryan and I got into a fight. It's over." She took her hand away from her cheek, and I saw the bright red hand mark on it.

"You're kidding," I growled. He did _not_ hit her. I started for the door, transforming into some sort of lame underdeveloped super hero. I wasn't going to let that jerk hit her and get away with it. _Nobody_ hurts a girl like that.

"J. T., don't. He's gone. It's over. I don't want to think about it." She chewed on her bottom lip furiously and stole a glance around the room. "I'm just going to... forget about it. I'll be right back."

I watched as she walked up to some guy and started whispering in his ear. He smiled and wrapped an arm around her, heading towards a room. There was no way I was about to let her go off with some random guy like that. Especially after what just happened. I mean, she could do something she totally regrets.

I stood in the doorway and just watched her as she sat on a bed with this guy. He pulled a plastic bag out of his pocket and tossed it on the bed. What was that? I squinted my eyes and looked closer. I saw him shake a little out onto a mirror and cut it into five lines.

No way. Ellie Nash was _not_ doing coke. Hey, I may smoke a little pot now and then at a party, but I'd _never _touch coke. That shit can mess you up. And I had no idea that Ellie Nash snorted it. I watched as she took it like an expert and smiled after it was all gone. No doubt she was going to be messed up soon.

And sure enough, I watched as she fell back onto the bed laughing her head off at something the guy had said. She tried to sit back up and only ended up falling off the bed onto her hands and knees, making her laugh even harder. Shaking my head I stepped forward from my spot in the doorway and helped her to her feet.

"J. T.!" she shrieked. She was laughing at everything she said, as if she were some comedian or something. "I am funny! I _am!" _

"Man, this is normal," the guy mused. "She can handle it."

"Yeah, well... it's _cocaine_. So I'm a little concerned," I put forth annoyed. Was this guy an idiot?

"Yeah, I know what it is. And she's only done it like a thousand times before. What's it to you?" he puffed up his skinny chest a little.

I rolled my eyes and started searching through Ellie's bag. "I'm going to call someone, okay? Someone can come get you?"

"Can't you take me home?" she slipped her hand up my arm and squeezed on my shoulder, giving me a seductive look.I swallowed hard and took her hand away. Girls like Ellie Nash don't go for guys like me. What was she doing trying to put the moves on me?

"I'm staying here tonight, Ellie. It's my cousin's house, remember?"

She pouted and groaned. I skimmed the phonebook in her phone and settled on Sean. They were still friends, right?

"Hey, man. It's J.T.."

"What are you doing with Ellie's phone?"

"Yeah, see... that's the problem. Ellie is a little... intoxicated right now. Can you come get her?"

I didn't have to ask twice. "Where you at?"

"At a party. It's my cousin's house." I gave him the address and directions. "Oh, and, uh... she's a little strung out, too. You know, on coke."

He was silent. I couldn't tell if I had just done something really bad or not.

"I'll be there in thirty minutes."

**Sean**

I didn't borrow Jay's car. I couldn't. He'd want to know why, I'd have to tell him about Ellie, and he'd want to come. And he would kill her if he saw her all drugged up. I mean, _I'll_ be bad enough as it is. I'm really going to let her have it. But Jay... Jay would probably scare the shit out of her. He's been really proud of how well she's been doing with this whole "giving up drugs" campaign. Too bad it's been a lie.

So I borrowed Craig's car. I told him I had to go pick someone up, and he didn't ask anymore questions. That's one of those good things about him. He knows when to give you space.

So, here I was sitting in Craig's car, listening to music, as I drove to this kid's house, trying not to get lost on the way. I impatiently changed the radio station as commercials started on the one I was listening to. Nothing good was on so I pressed the button to play the CD. Let's see what Craig's listening to these days.

I immediately recognized "Black" by Pearl Jam. It's probably my favorite song of all time. Not that I really admit that to anyone. I mean, come on... the song is some sappy creation about lost love. It's not exactly the kind of song you'd expect a tough guy to listen to. Man, I just don't understand how Ellie can get herself involved in so much shit. What is she _thinking_? She could have everything if she wanted, but she's wasting it for some high that lasts like twenty minutes. Big deal. Still, _something _must be going on to make her do this. There's something deeper than anyone knows. And yelling at her hasn't worked so far. Maybe a softer approach should be taken. Maybe then some results willbe seen.

I found the party earlier than I expected and pulled into the driveway. There were still a few cars left. I got out and made my way through the snow to the door. I walked on in and looked around: a few people were still sitting up and drinking, others were spread around the room on couches and on the floor passed out, and two girls were cackling over in a corner as they tripped over themselves. I didn't recognize anyone.

"Sean!"

I looked to my right and saw J. T. coming out of a room.

"She's in here."

I followed him into the room. "I'm looking for a delinquent: red hair, killer body, but lacks total common sense," I mused dryly as I walked into the room.

Ellie looked up at me from her position on the bed. She smiled weakly. She knew what kind of trouble she was in. I raised an eyebrow and glanced over her. "You okay?" I asked. I held out my hand and she took it so I could lift her up.

"She's still a little tipsy. Right, El?" some guy I didn't know laughed.

Ellie wrapped her arms around my waist, and I did the same to her. "I'm going to take you home. Ready?"

"Mmhm," she nodded. She was tired.

"Uh, Sean. There's something you should know."

I craned my neck to look back at J. T..

"Ellie was really upset earlier because... well, her and her boyfriend got into a fight..."

"Ryan?"

"Yeah, him."

"And?"

"He slapped her."

"WHAT?" I let go of Ellie and she collapsed onto the floor, giggling. "Shit..." I helped her back up and kept my grip on her. "Are you joking?" I asked J. T..

"No." He looked completely serious.

I looked at Ellie's face and into her eyes. What kind of guy could ever touch her like that? She mumbled something incoherent and pressed her forehead into my chest. That's it. I'm going to kill that bastard. He just better wait until I get my hands on him.

"Sean, can we go home?" Ellie whispered thickly.

I put a comforting hand on her head and held her close. "Sure. We can go home."

I thanked J. T. For calling me and helped her walk outside to the car. I buckled her into her seat and watched as her head fell against the window. The ride home was silent except for the music. Ellie was passed out against the door and breathing softly.

I think I handled it well. I _wanted_ to go in there and scream at her for being so stupid, but, really, what good would that have done? She would have just yelled back at me, and we would have gotten nowhere. Instead, I was very calm.

I pressed the search button on the CD player until I was back to "Black". For some reason, I felt compelled to listen to it again. Maybe it was just because it's my favorite song or because I wasn't all too into the rest of the songs on Craig's CD or maybe... maybe it was the girl sitting next to me. Even though she was passed out drunk and high...

Again, I felt a weird feeling go through me like I had earlier that day. It was like being cold and warm at the same time.

I sighed as I listened to the opening guitar riffs. I heard Ellie make a little noise to my right, and I smiled. And then I sang along.

I _never_ sing.

Lame as it sounds, it kind of reminds me of her.

**There ya go. The latest chapter. Next chapter will be the Greek formal with Dan, Sean/Ellie will discuss what happened with Ryan, and I think I'll have some Marco and Ashley in there, too. Also, someone will get into an accident. I love my reviewers!**


	46. Point of View

**okay, so i wrote this over a week ago, and I thought I submitted it... but I guess I didn't. So here you go. And a new chapter should be up later on tonight.**

**Chapter 46: Point of View**

**Ellie**

I rolled over and groaned. My head pounded, my nose was runny, and my throat hurt. I placed a hand on my forehead and pushed my bangs off of my face. Basically, I felt like shit. And I'm sure I look like it, too. My eyes fluttered for awhile before opening.

"Good morning," Sean laughed as I blanched when I saw him.

"Um, hi..." I glanced around and saw that I was in Sean's room. "Why am I here?"

"I didn't want to risk seeing your mom. Especially with you so... out of it. Hangover?" he grabbed a bottle of Tylenol next to the bed and handed me a couple.

"Yes!" I grabbed the pills and shoved them in my mouth, washing them down with the small glass of water Sean handed me next. "Uh, _what happened_?" I played dumb. Of course I remembered what happened- Ryan slapped me and I decided to nurse my broken heart with a few lines of coke.

"Don't play dumb with me, Nash. You _know_ what happened." Sean didn't buy it. He arched an eyebrow and crossed his arms against his chest, leaning back in his chair. "So, what do you have to say about it?"

I sat up slowly in the bed and brought my knees to my chest. I was wearing one of Sean's t-shirts and nothing else. "Ummm... nothing?" I put forward hopefully.

Sean chuckled, "You're not getting off that easily. Why don't you tell me first how Ryan and you got into a fight."

I ducked my head and inspected the glittery charcoal nail polish on my toes, insistent on not meeting Sean's eyes. "Oh, you know... we just kept getting into arguments..."

"So you guys just decided to all of a sudden get into a huge argument that ends in him hitting you across the face?"

I grimaced and stuck my tongue out at Sean's face. He hadn't bought it. He gave me a skeptical look and nudge my knee. "Out with it."

"He was cheating on me," I admitted. It was embarrassing to admit. I mean, it obviously means I was doing something wrong and I wasn't good enough for him. Why else would he cheat on me?

Sean nodded and looked at his hands. "Really?" he didn't look like he believed me.

"No, dumbass, I'm making it up." I rolled my eyes and wrapped my arms around my knees.

He smirked, "I didn't say you did, _smartass_. How'd you find out?"

"Well, let's see... I walked in on him on top of another girl naked in a bedroom at the party. That was proof enough. And then there was the time when I heard a girl in the background over the phone. And then _another_ girl called him while we were talking... oops... _fighting_..."

"You're better off without him. He doesn't deserve you."

"Yeah, well, I wish I had figured that out sooner. Instead of wasting my time on him, you know?"

"Yeah, or before he hit you."

I blushed and instinctively raised my hand to my cheek. There was no way there could be a bruise, was there? I didn't want anyone knowing what had happened. It was just way too embarrassing.

"Why are _you_ embarrassed? He's the one who's the chump. Jay and I are going to go beat his ass later on..."

"You told Jay!" I looked up. No. No. No. He couldn't have told Jay. If he told Jay that Ryan hit me, then he probably told him that I was doing drugs again. If you can even call it "doing drugs"... seriously, it was just a teeny tiny bit. And I've only done it three times since I quit. And I can definitely stop anytime I want to.

"No, but I am going to tell him-..."

"Please don't! Seriously, Sean... I don't want anyone to know."

"Why not? He deserves to be humiliated for treating like you like that. Nobody treats a girl like that, especially not you."

"I just don't want it made into a big deal."

"It _is_ a big deal."

"Sean" I warned. I gave him a menacing look and grabbed his hand in between mine. "Please, please_, please _don't tell anyone. I just don't even want to think about it anymore."

"But-..."

"No buts. I'm over him. He was a jerk and a liar and, you're right, I'm way too good for him." I mostly agreed with Sean so he'd get off my back. I couldn't help but feel like maybe I had done something wrong. But only a little part of me felt that way. Most of me knows he's a moron who doesn't have what it takes to be with me. But still, everyone has their little insecurities, right?

Sean sighed. He knew the conversation was over. He looked down at his hand, which was still in between mine and smiled, peering back up at me. I focused on the halos of grey in his blue eyes as he talked to me. "You deserve someone who can treat you like... like a princess. Someone who appreciates that you have opinions and a voice and the desire to just help everyone. This guy you end up with someday, he's gotta deal with the fact that you have an amazing heart and, well, _you know_. He's just gotta go through me first, okay?"

"Sean..." I was blushing furiously.

"You're going to make someone very happy someday, Red. You know that, right?"

I didn't say anything. I bit my lip and thought of all the times I'd heard that before. My dad used to tell me that, my old friends always told me that... They used to ask me why I wasted all my time on loser guys when I could have anyone I wanted. They said I'd have a better life someday and be happy with someone I made just as happy. I used to believe them. I believed them up to the night my dad told me Brayden was dead. After that, I didn't believe much in anything.

It wasn't until I met Marco that I started to believe in love and a higher power again. I still didn't understand why someone who made me so happy had to be taken away from me, and I still don't understand, but my friendship with Marco helped make it a little easier to accept. And when _that_ didn't work, Sean came along and helped patch my heart up again. Now, my heart feels cracked and tired. I'm tired to putting myself out there and trusting men. In the end, I just end up hurt.

**Marco**

I pounded on the door. "Ellie Nash, you let me in right now!" She is _not_ keeping me out of her room as she changes for the formal tonight. No way. "Ellie!"

Ashley laughed next to me and relaxed against the wall. "It's just a dress, Marco. You've already seen it on her so what's the big deal?"

"It's _not_ just the dress. It's the hair, the makeup, the shoes... the purse, the jewelry... It's everything, Ash." Okay, I'm being over-the-top, but seriously, would it harm Ellie to let me help her get ready for once?

The door flung open, and Ellie frowned at me in her robe. "What do you want?"

I pushed myself past her and into her room. "To help," I stated simply. I grabbed the dress bag from the closet door and put it on the bed. "You ready to start getting dressed?"

She rolled her eyes and opened the door wider for Ashley to come in. Ashley plopped herself on Ellie's bed and started to flip through a magazine. She obviously didn't care much about Ellie's appearance.

"Okay, so... let me see your nails." I took hold of her hands and inspected her fingernails. They just had clear polish on. "Okay, clear- simple. And your toes?" The last time I had seen her toes, she'd had some sparkly grey polish on them- polish that wouldn't go well with her dress.

"The same." She extended her toes and wiggled them. "Don't worry, I took off the other polish." She turned towards Ashley and made a big show of rolling her eyes.

"Hey!" I nudged her with my elbow. "You know I'm just trying to help you out, girl!" I grabbed her shoulders and held her out at arm's length. "Okay... you look good... Let's get your dress on and then we can do your hair and makeup and..."

"And do I have any say in this at all?"

"No way." I was already taking her dress out of the bag and off the hanger. I handed the delicate ivory material to her and shooed her into the bathroom.

"You need to relax, Marco," Ashley droned. She looked up from the magazine and gave me a small smile. "If I didn't know any better, I would think _you_ were going out with Dan tonight."

"I am _not_ _going out_ with Dan tonight!" Ellie shouted from the bathroom. She flung the door open and poked her head out. "We're _friends_. Got it?"

Ashley and I gave each other a weird look. Of course they were just friends. Had we said anything different? "Ooookay," we said under our breath, and Ellie flounced back into her bathroom. We burst out laughing as she slammed the door and we could hear her in there talking to herself.

She came back out a few minutes later fully dressed. I beamed when I saw how perfect she looked in her dress.

"Whoa!" Ashley stood up on her knees and dropped her chin when she saw Ellie. "Killer, Els."

"Yeah, Dan's _really_ going to like it!" I wiggled my eyebrows, knowing I'd get a rise out of her.

"Shut up! I hate boys!" she slumped in her chair and rested her forehead on her vanity.

I looked at Ashley and rushed over to her. "Why? What happened?"

"Ryan and I broke up," she blurted out.

I gasped. _Really?_ I thought Ellie and him were going to be together for awhile. I never imagined they'd already be over. "What happened?"

"He cheated on me!"

"WHAT!" Ashley jumped up and ran over to us. "Are you _kidding_ me?"

"No," Ellie moaned.

We each placed a comforting hand on her back and told her he wasn't good enough and she was better than an idiot like him. I kept quiet as Ashley told her how she could get through it- biting my tongue so I didn't lash out that Ashley herself had missed weeks of school because Craig cheated on her. Ellie didn't need to do that. She needed to find herself a hot new boy and get over that waste.

"That settles it," I decided. "Tonight, we have to make you into a sex kitten because you have to find yourself a new man."

Ellie groaned and stuck out her bottom lip. "I'm over guys. Forever. I'm going to be alone the rest of my life with my two cats, and I think I'm okay with that."

"Bullshit!" I exclaimed. "Ellie Nash, you are going to find yourself a guy, get married, have a million beautiful babies, and be successful. So deal with it."

"Nope, I'm over it. I'm not looking for a guy anymore. I'm just going to focus on myself."

"That's good, Ellie. You really need to make yourself happy before you can make someone else happy." Of course Ashley would agree with that. She _still_ isn't fully over the whoel Craig and Manny thing.

"That's crap. Ellie wants a guy that she can be happy with."

"That's so completely stupid, Marco. Guys don't make Ellie happy. She can be happy without a guy."

"But she deserves to be happy with a guy. Right, Ellie?" I rubbed her shoulders.

"I don't even want to talk about this. I just want to have a good time tonight with my _friend_. I'm not in the market for a new guy."

I lifted an eyebrow and pursed my lips. Okay, so that's what _she_ thinks. I, on the other hand, have in mind something totally different. Ellie Nash _will_ find the right guy. She helped me find my guy, I'm going to help her find hers. That's what friends are for.

**Ashley**

I frowned as I watched Marco pulling the brush through Ellie's hair. She looked like she was in total pain as he roughly fixed her hair. She gritted her teeth as he got the brush caught in a knot and ripped it on through.

"Marco!" she squealed, reaching up to hit him with her hand.

"Sorry. Do you have a curling iron?"

"Um... my mom does. _Why_?"

"Just trust me."

Ellie sent me a look and I refrained from laughing. We both knew Marco was going out of his way to make Ellie feel like a little princess. Too bad she wasn't interested.

"Ashley can you go get the curling iron from her mom's bedroom?"

I stayed in my spot on Ellie's bed.

"Please?"

"Fine," I groaned. I sighed as I crawled off of the bed and out of the room. I returned five minutes later with the curling iron and handed it to Marco. "There you go, _master_."

"I like the sound of that," Marco joked.

I saw Ellie roll her eyes in the mirror as he plugged the curling iron in the wall. Marco was definitely acting more diva-ish than usual. I watched with disinterest as he looked through Ellie's makeup and chose a compact of eyeshadow. He applied it to her eyes and leaned back to admire his work. "See, Ellie, look how _soft_ your eyes look right now. I still applied an assload of eyeliner, but I smudged it a little more than you do, and I also..."

_Blah. Blah. Blah._ Ellie shared a look with me in the mirror, and I laughed. She was definitely not enjoying Marco's little make-up lesson. I did have to admit she looked great, but she always does. I decided to mess with Marco a little bit. "So, Marco, what you're saying is that Ellie _normally_ doesn't look beautiful? She only looks beautiful right now?"

Marco blushed and tried to justify himself. "No, Ellie _always_ looks gorgeous... I'm just saying she looks gorgeous in a _different_ way tonight... That's all." He shot me a nasty look, and I smiled back at him sweetly.

"So, Ellie..." he took the curling iron and started to curl her hair loosely. "Okay, just play along with me. Humor me. If you were looking for a guy- _if_, I said- what would be the perfect guy?"

"Well, _my_ perfect guy would be-..." I began.

"I wasn't talking to _you_," Craig complained. He gave me a pointed look, and I went back to my magazine.

"Okay, if, _if_, I was looking for the perfect guy, he'd be honest, trustworthy, sincere, funny, he has to be a little sarcastic, ummm... attractive to me, dependable, intelligent, ambitious, hard-working... I'd like him to be pretty tall... oh, and he has to like music. But I'm pretty picky on what kind of music he can like. No country. Nothing like that boy band shit. It'd be nice if he did something that kept him active and in shape. Like maybe a sport like soccer or something. And I'd also like him to have some hobbies that _I_ don't have so I could learn new things by being with him. Like maybe he's into skateboarding or surfing or something. That way, he can teach _me_ something. He has to get along with my parents. Especially my dad. I wouldn't mind if he had a younger brother or sister or something. And he has to like animals. He'd have to want a pet. And I'd also like him to be able to _read_. And not just car magazines, but actual _books_. And I'd also like him to care about the same things I do such as-..."

Marco's eyes widened and he sat down on the bathroom, listening to her drone on. "I had no idea," he whispered. I gave him a curious look and put the magazine down.

"No idea what?"

"That she'd go on and on like this. Make her stop."

"Hey, Ellie?"

"Hmm?" Ellie turned around and raised her eyebrows.

"You're scaring Marco. I don't think he's ever heard you give this much information."

Marco rocked back and forth, his arms wrapped around himself. "She wouldn't stop talking," he whispered, his voice shaking.

Ellie threw a tube of mascara at him. "Shove it, Del Rossi. You asked for it."

He stopped acting and stood behind her again. "I know, I know. I just had to give you a little grief for sharing with me. I didn't realize you had your perfect guy all planned out. Anybody I know?"

"Nope. I don't think he's out there."

Marco twisted her curled hair into a loose braid that rested on her shoulder. "There, doesn't that look soft and romantic? _I_ think you look like a Greek goddess, but that's just me..."

Marco smiled smugly at his creation and pushed Ellie in front of her floor length mirror. "Yes, Marco. You did a fantastic job." Ellie hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. The doorbell rang and she jumped. "That's Dan."

Marco clasped his hands in front of chest and sighed. "My little girl, all grown up."

I threw a pillow at him. "Will you shut up? Leave the poor girl alone!"

Ellie laughed and grabbed her purse. "Okay, guys. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" I called out after her.

**Dan**

"Hey, what's up? You looked stressed." I walked Ellie to the car and opened the door for her, making sure her dress didn't get caught in the door as I shut it.

She leaned her head back and sighed. "I love my friends to death, but sometimes they are so..."

"Pushy? Nosy? A tad annoying at times?" I offered.

She laughed. "_Exactly_."

"Yeah, I know how that is. I think everyone does."

"I'm glad I'm not alone then. You see, I love Marco more than anything, but tonight he was just so _pushy. _See, I broke up with my boyfriend and now he's-..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. That one kid you were telling me about? What happened?"

"Uh... he cheated on me. Anyway-..."

"He _cheated_ on you? Bastard."

"Yeah, I think that way, too. Anyway, Marco is already trying to push me onto another guy, and Ashley is telling me that I should be all depressed and sleep all day for a few weeks..."

"And you just want everyone to leave you alone and let you live your own life. Right?"

"Yes!"

"Yeah, well, they're just looking out for you. So, what have you been up to?"

"Not much. I'm off of school, of course. Oh! Yesterday I went to the day care and we had our Christmas party! The kids were so cute. Sean went with me, and he even had a great time."

"Sean?"

"I know what you're thinking and don't even think about it."

I put my hands up, "I didn't say anything... I just think you guys are _awfully_ good friends for people who ended their relationship on a bad note..."

"And _I_ think that you're just as nosy as Marco and Ashley. Sean and I are just friends. I've over boys. Forever."

"Yeah," I snorted. "Well see how long that lasts. I'm sure you'll see a guy you like as soon as we enter the ballroom."

"Are you serious? It's in a ballroom?"

"Yeah, at some hotel. We've all rented rooms and that's where we'll _really_ party. But for now we have to put in a good appearance for the alumnae and the university. You know how it goes."

She nodded and turned up the music a little. "We're actually going to build a new wing and a new playground for the center. Isn't that awesome?"

"That is. You gonna help?"

"Sure! My dad's planning the whole thing. Maybe the fraternity could come down one weekend and help out for a day?"

I nodded and drummed the steering wheel. "Yeah, I'm sure that'd be fine."

"And then we can have a huge party at my place to thank you guys."

"Now you're talking."

* * *

"Thirsty?" I twirled Ellie off the dance floor and she nodded. "I'll go get us some champagne," I offered and squeezed her hand before walking off. 

I returned with two flutes of champagne and handed her one of them. "There you go. Having a good time?"

"Definitely. Great drinks, great music, and great company. I've totally forgotten about that stupid jerk!"

I laughed, "And because you just said that, you obviously haven't forgotten about him. Ryan, right?"

"Yeah. Ryan." She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyebrows. "I just don't understand how someone can cheat on another person, you know?"

"Yeah, I've been cheated on before. Not fun."

"It's like, why couldn't he just be a man about it and tell me he didn't want to be with me anymore? He just ended up hurting me more than he would of if he had just ended things honestly. Argh! I _hate_ guys like him."

"Well, just so you know, not every guy is like him. Some of us like women and treat them well."

"Why Dan, are you flirting with me?" she teased.

I rolled my eyes and playfully punched her in the shoulder. "You're crazy. You know, Miss Ellie Nash, you aren't as irresistible as you think you are."

"Ha ha," she scoffed. "So, which of these guys are single? _NOT_ that I'm looking."

"You vixen! You're already on the rebound!" I laughed.

"No, I'm not... I'm just..."

"Lonely?"

"Yeah," she answered truthfully. "I've been lonely most of my life. I don't ever want to be lonely again."

"You're not going to be lonely all your life, Els. You're going to find someone who is going to treat you-..."

"Who's going to treat me like I deserve to be treated. I know, I know... I've heard it before. And I don't believe it."

"That doesn't sound like the Ellie Nash I know."

"Yeah, well... well..."

"Come on, Els. You're a strong person. You're going to get over this. Just give it a little time before you throw yourself back into another relationship."

"Well... You know what? You're right! I _am_ strong. I don't need you or anyone else to tell me that. _I_ should know that. And I do. So from now on, I'm going to be a strong independent woman. You know how long it's been since I've been independent? First there was Marco, then there was me pretending to be Marco's girlfriend, and then there was Sean. Then you. Then Ryan. It's really not healthy. It really isn't, Dan."

"I'm glad to see you're so assertive, but now you're scaring me. Wipe that crazy look off your face and let's go dance."

"I do _not_ have a crazy look on my face."

"Yes, you do," I laughed. "Would it be wrong if I made a bet as to how long you stay single?"

"Dan!"

"Seriously, it'd all be in good fun."

"Fine. I bet I can stay single- meaning no crushes, _nothing_- for, for..."

"I give you a week. If that."

She pushed herself away from me and stood with her hands on her hips. "You really don't think I can remain single for more than a week?"

"Single and not have any crushes on anyone? No, I don't think so."

"Oh, you are _so_ wrong. I'll show you. I won't even _look_ at a boy for a week. Seriously. Starting tomorrow, I won't look at a single boy."

"Really? Starting tomorrow?"

"Okay, well, not tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Sean so..."

"Oh... _Sean_. There you go again. Bringing _him_ up."

"Oh, _please_. Sean has a girlfriend. A girlfriend who happens to be one of my friends."

"Yeah, but, come on... he's your ex-boyfriend. And you're always hanging out with him."

"And I set him up with another girl."

"Still... I think you did that so it would _look_ like you didn't still like him."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life."

"I think it's the truth. I think you set Sean up because you still like him, but you wanted him to think you were completely over him. But you're not. That's why you're still keeping a tight hold on him. You still want your claws in him."

Her mouth dropped open. "I don't have claws! Do I have claws?" she asked the server bringing around drinks.

"Um... no?"

"Good answer," I winked at him. "So the real reason you're introducing Sean to Christmas is because you really just want to spread around the good cheer or because it means you can spend hours upon hours of quality time with Mr. Tough Guy?"

"Sean is not a Mr. Tough Guy!"

"And you're defending him against my little joke because...?"

"Dan, you're starting to piss me off." She shot me a dirty look, and I stopped fishing for the truth.

"Fine. You're just a good Samaritan who loves the holidays. I won't say another thing. But our bet's still on. A week. And then we'll see."

"Yeah," she smirked. "We'll see."

Yeah, we'll see. We'll see who's hanging onto Sean's arm by the end of the week. I've never even met the guy and I already feel like I know him. That's how much she freaking talks about him. Hey, that's not jealousy coming out. It's annoyance. Annoyance that she can be so ignorant to her own feelings. And something tells me he probably is, too.

I mean, who else would seriously go along with Ellie's Happy Birthday Jesus plan?

Ellie's phone rang and she answered it. "Hello?"

I drank the rest of my glass as she talked on the phone, her face dropping with each second passing.

"Seriously?"

"Are you sure?"

"Is she okay?"

"No, I'm coming."

"Really, I am."

"Ashley! I'm coming!"

She hung up the phone and gave me a sad look. "I have to go..."

"What happened?" I asked worried. She looked so _upset_.

"A friend got into a wreck."

"Really? Is he okay?"

"She. And she's in the hospital. She's unconscious. I seriously have to go. So, I'll just call a cab, and I'll call you tomorrow?"

"No way. I'll take you."

"But you're party."

"Is getting rather boring. Wouldn't you agree?" I flashed her a comforting smile. "Come on, Party Girl. Let's get you to your friend."

"Thank you so much. I'm really scared," she admitted. She wrung her hands together and chewed on her bottom lip. "I don't deal well with... _this_."

I hugged her as we walked out of the hotel. "It'll all be okay."

**Ellie**

I drummed my fingers on the seat. Couldn't Dan drive any faster? Seriously... The

scenery outside raced by but I still felt like we were crawling at a snail's pace. I needed to get to the hospital and pronto. I turned the music up so it was blaring. I wanted to keep myself from thinking.

Why am I so worried? She'll be fine. She's _always_ fine. Why am I acting like it's the end of the world? Why do I even give a shit? I'd never heard Ashley so surprised as she was when I said I was coming to the hospital. And why wouldn't I? So we weren't the best of friends. Hell, you couldn't even call us friends. But sometimes there's this understanding between us... It's silent. It's brief. It's rare. But sometimes it's there.

It was there when she sang her song describing her rape. And it was there when I showed her my arms. And it's here again when Ashley told me that Paige had been in a serious car accident. She'd lost control of the car and slid across the ice. The car flipped over and hit a guard rail. And the thought of it scared the hell out of me.

_Ellie, there's been an accident..._

_It's Brayden..._

_They said he wasn't in any pain._

I shook my head and tried to forget any thoughts of that night. Paige was going to be alright. She _had_ to be alright. I mean, the world would be so different if she wasn't. Seriously, who would hassle me about wearing too much black? Who would accuse me of being dark and depressing beyond comprehension? Who would call me a freak and who would torment me for the rest of my life? Who would _I_ make fun of for her disgusting relationship with Spinner? Who would I call shallow? Who would I hate with such passion? Paige has to be okay. I need my nemesis.

What the hell is highschool without a nemesis?

I warily glanced down at the faint scars on my arms. A few were darker, still healing from my last rampage. I had been nervous about not covering them tonight, but Marco had assured me that no one would notice. And I had trusted him. Now, I wished I had brought arm warmers. What if Paige woke up and saw the scars on my arms? She'd be so disappointed.

My lips trembled as I recalled the day she caught me in the bathroom. If she hadn't caught me... who knows what I would have done. I was so ready to just pack it all in. My father was at war, my mom was inadequate, and I was being ignored, overworked, and torn apart by conflicting emotions. And just having her care enough to follow me around and yell at me to admit if I was hurting myself or not let me know that maybe someone did care. Even if it was my enemy. And even if she tormented me 99.99 percent of the time. And even if she never mentioned the cutting again after that day, I still catch her glancing at my arms every now and then. She still wonders about it. And that means she does care a little.

And maybe I care a little, too.

But only because my high school career wouldn't be complete without my nemesis.

I mean, who would I talk about?

**yay for Dan being in the chapter. hope you guys enjoy this chapter. all my reviewers are so flattering! thanks so much! as always, i'm open to critiques/reviews/and suggestions.:)**


	47. I'll Be Here Awhile

**Chapter 47: I'll Be Here Awhile**

**Ellie**

We pulled into the hospital and found the closest parking spot to the entrance. I quickly unbuckled my seat belt and got out of the car, not even waiting for Dan to open the door for me. Who knows why it's so important for me to see her. _I_ don't even really understand my reaction. But it is important. That's all I know. That's all I've got.

"Who is this again?" Dan asked, trying to keep up with me.

I stopped for a second to pull off my heels and carried them in my hands. "Paige."

"Is she a friend?"

"Not really. No."

"Oh. Well, I'm sure she'll be fine."

"Paige Michael-Chuck?" I asked the receptionist.

"311."

"Thank you." I started towards the elevators and glanced at Dan at my side as I walked. "She's actually quite a bitch. We don't get along at all. We're just different people."

"Well-..."

"I know what you're going to say. Why the hell am I visiting her, right? I don't know. I don't know." I punched the elevator button rapidly.

"Actually, I wasn't going-..."

"It's just... Well, sometimes you actually _do_ care about someone even if you don't show it all the time. You know?"

"Yeah. I completely under-..."

"Because it's not like we're best friends. We practically torture each other. But it's just... she's been there for me before. And I just don't want to see her get hurt. I just want her to be okay. That's all. Just okay."

"Can I talk?" Dan interrupted, a weary smile on his face.

"Sorry," I apologized. I pressed the button for three and tapped my barefoot as the elevator doors closed ever so slowly. Gross. Normally I would never run around a public place with no shoes on, but this is an emergency.

"I definitely understand what you're doing. Just because you aren't particularly friendly with someone all the time doesn't mean you want to see them be hurt or worse. It's a normal human reaction. Hard to believe, Ellie Nash, but sometimes you are capable of normalcy."

"Thanks. I guess."

"It was supposed to be a compliment."

"Good to know. Won't this stupid thing hurry up?"

"Relax, it's here."

The doors swung open and I rushed out, barely even remembering to wait for Dan. I scanned the rooms from side to side to find room 311. Suddenly Ashley's form sitting in a chair caught my attention. "Ashley!" I called, waving a hand.

"Ellie, you're here!" She stood up from her seat and gave me a tight hug. "I'm so scared," she whispered in my ear.

I held her away at arm's length and nodded consolingly. "She'll be fine. Paige always comes through in the end. Right?"

It was harder to convince myself of that. Ashley didn't fall for it either. She just smiled sadly and sat back down. "Marco's here. And Jimmy and Spinner and Hazel and everyone. They're down getting drinks. The doctor's in there now, checking her out."

"Have they said anything yet?"

"Just that she's unconscious."

I let my breath out slowly and felt Dan place a comforting hand on my shoulder. The closed door looked so foreboding as I stared at it, daring it to open. I heard Marco and the others return, handing out the drinks. I felt another hand reach and rest on my back, and I knew Marco was nearby. I turned towards him and wrapped my arms around him, comforting. After all, Paige is actually one of his friends.

"I know you don't like her and all... but thanks for being here. I really appreciate it," Marco murmured huskily into my ear. I closed my eyes tightly and pulled him even closer to me. I felt moisture on the side of my face and knew he was crying. He pulled away suddenly and searched my eyes with his own tear-filled ones. "You know if this was you, it'd be the same, right? If that was you in there, I'd be this upset. You know that, right?"

He was thinking about the rivalry Paige and I have over him. I stroked his hand softly and smiled. "Marco, I'm over that. Really."

He hugged me again and we stayed like that until the doctor came out. Paige's parents stood up quickly and rushed over to him, questions trickling out of their mouths. I hung back from the rest of the group and leaned against the wall with Dan. I heard Ashley burst into tears and she turned away from the group, heading over towards me.

"What's wrong?" I asked, starting to hyperventilate at the possibilities.

"She's suffering from head trauma. She's in the coma and they're putting her on a respirator. I can't even imagine what it's going to look like..."

"Ash, she's going to be _fine_. Believe me. Have I ever been wrong before?"

She didn't answer. I tried to rack my brain with something else to say to make her feel better. I couldn't think of anything. So I just hugged her and let her get it all out. She kept mentioning how they'd been friends for so long and, despite their arguments, Ashley always knew Paige was a good person.

One by one everyone went inside to see her and talk to her. The doctor said it'd be good for her if we all talked as if everything was normal. Well, if everything was normal _I_ wouldn't be talking to her. I was the last one to go in. I had tried to think of something to say while waiting, but nothing was coming to me.

I nervously took a seat in the chair pulled up to the hospital bed. I glanced at the respirator and other machines she was hooked up to. This sucks. It really does. A beeping noise kept intruding my thoughts as I tried to think of something substantial to talk about.

"Hey... Paige... How you doing?" I began. Great. Real smart, Nash. I mentally kicked myself for asking a question. "Um... so... This is beyond awkward. Normally I'd be telling you you're a stuck up princess, but that's not really going to be helpful right now. So I guess I'll just talk about what's been going on in my life lately.

"Well... I broke up with my boyfriend Ryan. He ended up being a complete write-off. It was a little sad because I expected him to be this great guy that I'd be with for a long time, and my expectations definitely weren't met. I ended up getting completely trashed at a party last night and supposedly Sean saved me or something... Tonight I went to a formal with my friend Dan. I think you've met him before. It was pretty fun. And now I'm here with you.

I looked at the clock and saw that I had only been there for five minutes. It felt like forever. "I'm not good in hospitals, Paige. Just thought I'd tell you that. They kind of freak me out. So if I go on and on about stupid stuff, that's probably why. Umm..."

I knock sounded on the door and Ashley popped her head in. "The nurse said that Paige doesn't need anymore visitors tonight."

I nodded and looked back at Paige in the bed. I hadn't noticed before how _still_ she was. It wasn't like the Paige I knew at all. "I have to go Paige..." I started to stand up and, on second thought, put my hand on one of hers, giving it a slight squeeze. "Feel better."

**Sean**

I ran my hands through Nikki's hair and rested them on the small of her back, drawing her closer to me. Her lips crushed against mine and she pushed me back on the couch. I raised my eyebrows at her forwardness, but welcomed the action.

"That was nice," she murmured sexily into my ear after we ended our make-out session. I shifted my weight on the couch so I was next to her instead of underneath her.

"So, do you want to watch a movie and just chill-..."

"I'm so bored of just sitting here. Let's go _do_ something. Isn't there anyone down at the ravine?"

"Probably not. It's winter."

"True. Well, let's go find out where everyone is." She hopped up and pulled her cardigan back up over her top. I watched as she buttoned her sweater and combed her fingers through her hair.

"I'll call Jay, I guess." I grabbed my cell phone and dialed Jay's number. He answered on the third ring and told me that everyone was hanging out at Hurley's house. "Everyone's at Hurley's."

"Hurley?"

"George Jackson. That's what we call him."

"That's stupid. Okay, let's go."

We got into her car and she pulled away from my apartment, some kind of weird music playing on her cd player. I rolled my eyes as she turned the song up loud and started singing along to it. Who was this group again? Peter, Paul, and Mary something or other? Lame.

The party was full on by the time we got there. I recognized a few guys that I'd seen and talked to at a few other parties, but a lot of these people I'd never seen before. I found Jay and got a beer for myself and downed it in five minutes. Nikki hung back a little, observing more than conversing.

"You're still with her, man? It's getting serious, huh?" Jay was already a little sloppy. He slurred his words slightly and swayed a little from side to side.

I made sure she was out of earshot. "Eh, it's not that serious. Believe me."

"What? Then why are you wasting your time? There's a room full of girls who would love to get worked over by you. Just don't go after that feisty brunette over there. She's mine." He pointed to Alex and laughed at himself. I laughed more at his drunken stupidity.

"I think I've had enough girls lately. Emma, Darcy, and now Nikki. I'm doing fine."

"Don't forget Ellie. She's still in the picture."

"Dude, she's my _friend_. There is a difference."

"Yeah, whatever, man."

I shook my head in amusement and headed over towards the table where all the hard liquor was sitting. "You want a shot?" I asked Nikki, who had appeared at my side suddenly.

She shook her long hair out of her face and shook her head. "No. I'm fine."

I poured myself a shot of tequila and tilted my head back as I took it. Ugh. I really need to stop drinking tequila. It's ripping me apart.

"Cameron! Ellie here yet?"

I turned around and faced Alex. "Ellie? No. Is she coming?"

"Yeah. I called her earlier."

"She's off at some thing with Dan. I didn't think she'd be back from that until later."

"Oh, didn't you hear?"

"What?"

"Paige got into a wreck. Everyone's been at the hospital."

"Paige? That sucks." I took another shot of tequila for her sake.

"Yeah, well, her and, yeah, Dan were looking for something to do. Drink troubles away or something. I forget what she said."

Yeah, good story, Alex. I stood there amused as she kept trying to form sentences that actually _said_ something. She wasn't doing a very good job. Nikki tugged on my arm, and I looked at her out of the corner of my eye. She gave me a look that clearly said _let's go_.

"What's wrong?" I asked when Alex stumbled away.

"I just don't really like her."

"Who? Alex? Since when?"

"Since always. Let's go outside or something."

"Outside is snowy and cold. Let's stay in here. Where it's warm."

She gave an exasperated sigh and folded her arms. I poured myself another shot. Great, now _she's_ in a bad mood. It's like no matter what I do, I can never win. I _never_ win with girls. I'm always doing something to mess it up or offend them or whatever. It's either me, or girls are just way too sensitive. I'm leaning towards the latter.

"Where's Ryan, man?"

"Dude, he's not coming to a party where _she_ could be."

"Who?"

"Ellie!"

My ears perked up at the sound of Ellie's name. Was she here? I turned around quickly and swayed a little. Those last few shots were starting to hit me. Might as well take another one.

"He's the one that broke up with her. Why should he care if she's here?"

"You're such an asshole, man. It doesn't matter. He doesn't want to run into that little slut. He got what he wanted from her."

The other kid laughed and almost choked on his beer. "Yeah, he screwed her a few times and that was it."

"He said she liked it rough, man. He said I could have her next. Hope she shows up soon." The two guys laughed, and my eyes narrowed. There was no way they were talking about _my _Ellie.

"Once I get my hands on her, I'm going to spank her so hard she'll-..."

That was it. I threw my shot glass down on the ground and charged towards the two guys. I grabbed one of them by the collar and shook his roughly. "Who the hell are you talking about like that?" I seethed.

"What the fuck is your problem man?"

"You talking about Ellie Nash?"

The other guy laughed. "It looks like he's had her before, too."

I turned around and punched him square in the nose.

"Sean!" Nikki screeched. She stood a few feet away, hands on hips. "Stop fighting!"

Soon a crowd formed around me and the two guys. I was pissed. I was beyond pissed. No one gets away with talking about her like that. "You want to say nasty things about her again, man?" I forced through clenched teeth. The guy shook his head no and started to back away. I drew my fist back and connected it with his eye. "Don't ever let me catch you talking about her again. Bastard."

* * *

I rested my head in my hand as Nikki held a small baggy of ice against my fist. She was trying hard to be patient with, but I was too wasted to cooperate with her. I nursed my glass of jack and coke and glared bitterly at the spot in living room where I had confronted the two guys just before.

"I can't believe you started a fight because of something they said. They're just words, Sean," Nikki chided.

My lower lip stuck out a little. I felt like a little kid who got caught getting in the cookie jar or something. "It's called defending pride."

"It wasn't your pride to defend."

I forced myself not to snap at her. I don't care if they weren't talking about me. That's the whole point. If they had been talking shit about me, I probably could of let it go and just walk away. But they were talking about Ellie, and she wasn't there to defend herself.

"I thought you liked me being a tough guy," I reminded Nikki.

"A tough guy. Not an idiot. There's a difference."

I stared at the table. Why did she have to make me feel about two inches tall?

"Sean?"

I looked up expectantly and saw Ellie in front of me. Some guy, most likely Dan, stood behind her, beer in hand. "Hey!" I shouted a little too loud. Okay, I was acting just a little _too_ friendly.

"Woah, calm down. What happened?" She took my hurt hand and inspected it. Nikki made an impatient noise in the back of her throat and crossed her arms angrily.

"He got into a fight," Nikki explained, a bite in her voice.

"Over what?" Ellie looked up in shock. She hates physical fights. They make her nervous.

"You," I offered, somewhat lamely.

"Me?" she looked surprised. And flattered. "What happened?"

Nikki rushed ahead of me, "Some guy said something about you, I guess, and Sean didn't like what he said. So he punched him. Kind of stupid, really."

Ellie ran a hand over my hair. "Thanks Sean, but I can defend myself. Where is this kid?"

"He left. Him and his friend left the second we pulled Sean off of them."

She nodded and put a hand on my cheek. "Well, you're sweet. You look like you should go lie down, though."

"I'm fine," I slurred, my eyelids getting heavy.

"I think he's going to pass out," I heard Dan say, and I felt a pair of arms under my armpits, dragging me away from the table and over to a couch.

"Now what?" I heard Nikki say before I closed my eyes and everything turned black.

**Nikki**

I slowly got up from the couch, Sean's head sliding off of my lap. It was late. I was tired. And hungry. And thirsty for something other than beer and liquor. I caught a glimpse of Ellie talking to a small group of people and headed over towards her.

"Hey," I put a hand on her back.

She spun around. "What's up?" Her face was slightly flushed, and I knew she was a little tipsy.

"So, how's Paige?"

Her smile dropped and she shrug. "In a coma. It's kind of scary."

"I'm sure it is. I know we don't really like the girl, but, come on, a coma? Nobody deserves that. Especially so close to Christmas."

Ellie looked outside through the windows at the falling snow. "Yeah, I know. Some Christmas present, huh? I just hope she's okay in time."

"I'm sure she will be. But, hey, I think I'm going to go home. Can you make sure Sean gets home safely?"

"Yeah, we'll get him a ride home. Are you okay to drive?"

I smiled at her protectiveness. "I didn't drink. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Be careful. Bye!"

She turned around and started giggling with that guy she brought here. Dan? I think that's what his name was. I kind of steered clear of the whole crowd tonight. I usually steer clear of the whole party scene in general. I'm just not the type of girl who likes to get wasted all the time. I guess that's a poor assumption of these people, especially since Ellie hangs out with them and I _know_ she doesn't go and get drunk every night.

Still, I kind of wish Sean would be the guy who could write tortured lyrics and spill his soul out into poetry or something. He'd still wear a leather jacket and do petty crime, but he'd also be sensitive and vulnerable at the same time. I guess he's not _that_ far from the perfect guy for me, but there's something missing. Something called "the spark". I don't really feel it with him. He just seems more like a friend or something. Every time I make out with him I practically attack him, searching for that energy between us. I just never find it.

I pulled my keys out of my purse and started through the snow to my car. I jumped in surprise when a figure loomed ahead of me. "Hello?" I called out.

"Sorry, man. Jush- Just trying to get back. To the party."

"Towerz. It's Nikki. Are you sure you want to go back to the party?"

"No."

He looked confused and out of place. I noticed the glazed look in his eyes and realized he was drunk. No wonder he was more chatty than usual. Normally he barely said anything... he always appeared to be brooding.

I _like_ brooding.

"I'll give you a ride home, okay? I'm sober." I jingled my car keys in his face and he nodded. I wrapped an arm around his back and helped him to the car, throwing him in the passenger seat and buckling him in. "Where do you live?"

He mumbled some address off and I recognized "Piker's Court" out of it. Hmmm. So he lives there. A nice modest sub-division. I never imagined he'd live in there, considering who he hangs out with. Jay, Alex, and Sean aren't exactly the richest kids in town. More like welfare brats.

When we arrived at Piker's Court, I had him point out his house and I parked in the driveway. "I'll help you to the door." I opened the car door and he stumbled out, falling into the snow. I couldn't help but laugh as he just laid there, surprised by the chill. "Come on. Get on up." I helped pull him up back over to this front door. "Think you can make it to your room?"

He nodded and opened the door. "Yeah," he mumbled, squinting his eyes at my face. He reached out and took my hand, giving it a little squeeze, before disappearing into the dark of his house and shutting the door.

Uh Oh.

I just felt "the spark".

**Ellie**

"Okay! Upsy Daisy!" I grunted as I tried to keep Sean from falling into the snow as we trekked to his apartment. Dan followed close behind me, laughing the whole way. "Shut up," I hissed, my knees buckling under the weight. "You know... You _could_ help me out here."

"Yeah, but it's funner watching you do it."

"Funner? I can't believe I'm friends with someone who says 'funner'. More fun, Dan. Yeah, big bright college kid coming through..." I responded sarcastically. So this is what it felt like for Sean every time he had to carry me someplace because I was too drunk. Dead weight. That's all it is. And although I pride myself on being fairly strong, Mr. Muscles was just a _tad_ too much for me. "Oh God, take him!" I pushed him off over to Dan, who caught him before he plowed over into the snow.

"Remind me never to get drunk and have you take me home. You'd probably leave me on the side of the road," Dan mused. I sent him a look. Ugh. Thank God I had stopped drinking pretty early. Otherwise, I'd be more of a mess than I am now.

"Truthfully, how do I look?"

"You're walking just fine, Miss Nash. Those boots were made for walking.."

"And that's just what I'll do," I finished. We cracked up at our drunken lameness. "Here we go." I pulled Sean's keys out of his pocket and opened up the door to his apartment. "Just throw him on his bed, and I'll make you a spot on the couch."

As Dan struggled to put Sean to bed, I grabbed a few blankets out of the small hallway closet. I threw them on the couch in the nicest form of a bed that I could make at that moment. As soon as I was finished, Dan fell onto it and closed his eyes. "Where are you sleeping?" he murmured, his eyes still closed.

"With Sean," I stated.

His eyes flew open and he smiled. "Don't forget our bet."

I stuck my tongue out and used the wall and the back of the couch to help steady myself as I headed for the bedroom. "Shut up!"

I climbed under the sheets next to Sean after changing out of my clothes and into one of his oversized shirts. He moaned and turned over, his back facing me. My eyes started drooping and I yawned. As I started to fall sleep, thoughts of Paige inflicted my mind.

* * *

The next morning I woke Dan up and had him drop me off at the hospital before he headed back home. I hugged him goodbye and promised a call later on that night to tell him how my visit went. I was visiting Paige again. I don't really know why. I mean, I don't really have anything to say to her. I can't talk to her about that time we braided each other's hair or the time we went on that double date or anything like that. But it just felt wrong for me _not_ to be there. So I went.

I greeted her parents and they left me alone with her. I took awhile to just stare at her from the doorway before closing the door and crossing over to the chair. I slowly took a seat in it and slowly crossed my legs. All the time I stared at her face, waiting for her eyes to fly open and for her to call me a "loser" or "freak".

The still peaceful look I received from her was even more unsettling. "Promise not to tell anyone, but I kind of miss the old Paige," I informed her. "Things would be a lot easier if you'd just wake up and we could go on tormenting each other, don't you think? I hate change, Michael-Chuck. Hate it. It takes me a long time to get settled in a place. I'm so guarded that I don't usually warm up to people so fast. Things have happened to me that I can't even tell anyone about. I'm so embarrassed and disgusted and guilty. That's probably how you felt when that guy raped you.

"The funny thing is, I kind of understood what you were going through. I know what's it like to trust somebody and have that taken away. People can be cruel. They can take everything away from you that matters. You pride, your dignity, innocence... things that shouldn't falter. I don't know why I'm saying this stuff to you. I think it's because you can't say anything back. It's safe to tell you. And sometimes it's so damn hard to keep it all inside.

"Everyone always wonders why I'm so guarded sometimes. I can't really help it. I've had some shitty things happen to me before. And after you're violated, you don't really feel like trusting anyone anymore..." I paused for a moment. Was I seriously going to go on and say it out loud? I've kept this in for so long... And it _hurts_. I just want to be able to say it out loud. Test it out. See how it sounds. I'll probably never tell anyone else or get help for it, but at least I will have admitted it. I've denied it too long.

"When I was really young, I was best friends with this girl. We did everything together. I usually went over to her house everyday after school because my parents were always working. One day her mom just started to... She just started to get too close. I didn't really know what to do. I mean, I was just a kid. I didn't know what it meant for her mom to be touching me like that. And I _trusted_ her. She was like my second mom. And she ruined it. She touched me and she- she... After that I started to push my own mom away. I couldn't differentiate between my mom and Ms. Howard. That was her name.

"And when I got older- when I was in the fifth grade- I took it out on her daughter. I spread rumors about her. I teased her. I'd fight her. Her mom got sick of it and they moved away. I don't really know why I took it out on her, but I did." My voice wasn't over a whisper. My eyes were burning as I remembered all the horrible things I had done. "When they moved away, I thought I'd be fine. But I wasn't. I just kept feeling empty and disgusting. I was so worried about what everyone would think. And then I met this guy... he had a reputation. But I was so excited that he was interested in me that I didn't care. I went out with him, I lost my virginity to him, and he threw me away. He barely ever talked to me again. And to get back at him I acted like a freaking slut to make him jealous."

I wiped a tear from my eye and sniffled. Paige was still out cold. I shook her arm slightly, expecting her to jump up and say she had been joking and she had heard everything I had just said. She didn't. "I know what you're thinking. Who would ever believe that any guy would ever want to be with me. But they did. And then my teacher... we had a new math teacher in sixth grade. He was pretty young. All the girls thought he was cute. Including me. He smiled at me a lot; he said he liked to talk to me because I was more mature than anyone else. I believed him. I was such an idiot. I guess you could say we had something going on after school, behind closed doors, whatever you want to call it... Then I started to hate it. A friend found out, and I hated myself for what I was doing. I didn't even want to do it in the first place. When I said I wanted out he started to threaten me. He said he'd fail me. I was so young, and my grades meant everything to me. I just wanted my parents to be proud of me. So I didn't tell anyone. It went on for awhile until he left all of a sudden. I don't even know where he is. It scares me sometimes. Who knows- he may be substituting at Degrassi when we get back..."

I looked at the clock and saw that I had been in there for an hour. I let out the breath I had been holding and started to stand up. "Thanks for listening." I squeezed her hand and walked out of the room, wiping at my eyes with the sleeves of the shirt I was wearing. I didn't want anyone to see how distressed I looked. I pressed the button on the elevator and the doors swung open suddenly.

"Ellie!" Sean held the door open for me and I walked in. "I thought I'd find you here."

"How'd you know I'd be here?"

"Intuition. I don't know."

"Oh."

"You okay?"

I pasted a big smile on my face. "Of course I am. It's just sort of... depressing here."

"I don't know... people's lives get saved here. That's kind of cool."

I gave him a real smile and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Says the future doctor."

"Yeah, we'll see... So, you want to help me wrap my presents? Please?"

He gave me a puppy dog face, and I laughed. "How can I resist _that_?"

Christmas presents. That's definitely what I need right now. No more depressing thoughts of the past and the shitty things that happened. I really think I'm okay now. I mean, I said it out loud. I've admitted it to Paige and to myself. So, I'm going to be okay. I just know it.

**i have no idea what the next chapter is going to have in it. more sean/ellie... perhaps dan and sean will actually _meet_ and _talk _to each other. review/suggestions as always are welcome!**


	48. Lover, I Don't Have to Love

**Chapter 48: Lover, I Don't Have to Love**

**Ellie**

"And so Annie, the woman, totally misses the man of her dream by like... _seconds_... as he steps onto the train before she can reach him. I know, I know... cliche. But for some reason, it wasn't so bad in this movie. I think it's because these characters were so... loveable I guess. I mean, come on, even _Sean_ was rooting for them. That has to say something right there. I won't tell you the rest because it'd just spoil it for you- not that I haven't already spoiled like seventy-five percent of the movie, but... Anyways..." I finished shaping Paige's left fingernails with the Emory board and placed it back on her bedside table.

"Now we just have to paint them." I don't know why I was giving her a manicure. Seriously. Can you imagine _me_ giving _Paige_ a manicure? That's something only close girl friends do... Whatever. It's Christmas, so why the hell not? Someone has to take care of Paige's appearance. Heck, I even stopped myself from using a sparkly black on her fingernails. Instead, her right hand was already painted with sparkly candy pink. Something she could really wake up to and enjoy.

"My friend Dan, the one I used to date, well, he's made a bet with me that I can't stay single for more than a week. Please, as if I'm the kind of girl who dates around. So I've had my share of boyfriends this year. Can you blame me? I'm just making up for all the time I spent pretending to be Marco's girlfriend. Anyway, Dan thinks I have a thing for Sean still. _Kill me_. I'm over him. We broke up. We're friends now. So what? Everyone acts as if there's something else going on underneath the whole, like, best-friends charade. And there's not. I don't know why I keep bringing this up. I really don't.

"And don't tell anyone, but I think Sean and Nikki are over. I saw them together at the party the other night, and they didn't look happy together at all. Of course, Sean was wasted and had just gotten into a fight, but still... Nikki looked pissed. I think she's over him. And that's going to suck for Sean, but... I really think he'll be much happier without her. I can't believe I set them up. They'd make good friends, but nothing more than that."

I felt a pang of _something_ go through me as I thought of Sean and Nikki. Did they look unhappy the other night only because Sean was drunk? _I hope not_... Ugh! That's a horrible thing to think. Why am I all of a sudden _waiting_ for them to break up? After all, they are my creation. And they've gotten along great so far. Ugh. Who knows. Why do I even care about this?

"It's not big deal. But I'm excited tonight because a bunch of us are getting together and going ice-skating tonight. It should be fun. Christmas is in a few days so you have to wake up, okay? There you go. You're finished." I admired her fingernails and put away my small manicure kit.

I was gathering my things together, ready to leave, when I felt myself sit back down in the chair nervously. I licked my lips and wrapped my arms around my body. _Don't even do it, Nash..._ "I never thanked you for helping me," I blurted out, the words sounding foreign to my ears. My _voice_ sounded foreign. "Do you know how many times I've felt invisible to everyone? I didn't think anyone would notice if I just disappeared. But you actually came through and told someone about it. And I know it's forward of me to say that maybe you actually do see me and actually do care a little about me, but I like to think it's true. It makes it a little easier to know that even my worst enemy cares somewhat. I still do it. I'm not going to lie. And, anyways, I think you know I still do it. I see you looking at me sometimes. And I've barely talked to you since then, but... Thanks. Truly.

"I'm still as messed up as ever, though. Hate to disappoint you but... I am. My mom's better. She doesn't drink as much. Or at least she doesn't show it. But now she kind of throws herself into her work just like she used to. And my dad's the same way. He left for Japan today. And my mom's working on some design project for some stupid celebrity so she's in Los Angeles. I don't even know if they'll be home for Christmas. I like to think that they will be home, but I'm so sick of getting my hopes up and then being disappointed. They're still getting a divorce. And when they're over, my last fucking hope of true love is over.

"I think I'm doing a good job of hiding my devastation, though. Don't you? I guess I'm just throwing myself into Christmas and helping everyone out and stuff like that. It's hard, though. Sometimes I just want to be able to tell someone that I'm scared and worried or something stupid like that. But I guess I just told you, so... I don't know. You don't really count. You can't even hear me."

I stood up and straightened my red tartan skirt out. It was then that I noticed I was wearing the same outfit I had been wearing when I first started cutting. The white shirt was now stain free, thanks to the fact that I went out and bought another one. This time, though, I wore a black mesh shirt underneath to hide any scars and cuts. Instinctively, I traced my fingers along my newest cut.

"Vampira?"

I turned around quickly and almost tripped in my black boots. "Spinner? What are you doing here?"

"She's my _girlfriend_," he gestured towards Paige with the bouquet of roses he had in his hands.

"Oh. Right." I felt like a moron. A slight blush crept over my cheeks. He didn't hear anything I just said, did he? I searched his face for any sign that he did. Nope, the same old clueless Spinner. Thank God.

"Okay, right," I said again. "So... I'll see you later." I went to brush past him.

"You visited Paige?" Spinner asked.

I sighed and turned around again. "Look, I know we don't get along, but Paige is still a... she's an okay person, I guess," I admitted grudgingly. Did I really think this? Do I really think she's an okay person?

Spinner smiled goofily and sent her a loving look. "She's the best."

"Yeah, right." I smirked at him and adjusted my black bag. "So, bye."

"Bye."

Wow. He didn't even say anything remotely cruel to me.

"Vampira."

Aw, there we go. Spinner will never change his ways. I sent him a furious look as I closed the door behind me.

* * *

"Hello?" I called out, closing Sean's front door behind me. I set the extra key he had given me down on the kitchen counter and looked around. It didn't look like Sean was there. "Sean?" I asked again, walking towards the small hallway that led to his bathroom and the two bedrooms.

"I'm in here!" his voice shouted from the bathroom. I heard the shower turn off and blushed. Of course I managed to come just in time to see him fresh from the shower. Is my life becoming a bad cliche movie with every second or what?

As if on cue, Sean came out of the bathroom, towel wrapped loosely around his waist and beads of water glistening on his chest. I'm _sure_ I'm blushing like crazy right now. _What's wrong with you, Nash? You've seen him in less than a towel before_. Still, back then we were dating.

"See anything you like, Red?" Sean smirked, leaning against the doorway and crossing his arms.

"Whatever," I retorted lamely. There, that showed him... Ugh.

He laughed and stopped teasing me, retreating into his bedroom and shutting the door. I stared for a little bit at the door before turning around, shaking my head. "Dan should be here in a little bit!" I said.

"Yeah?" he shouted back.

"I invited him to go ice-skating with us. Who knows- maybe he'll like Emma. Things aren't working out so well with her and Chris!"

Sean opened the door and stepped out in a pair of baggy tan corduroys and a dark brown shirt. "Emma? Seriously?"

"Yeah. You know, your ex-girlfriends _are_ allowed to date other guys. Anyway, Chris is being a total jerk to her. He won't even talk to her so it looks like they won't be getting back together."

"You've had so much success with setting up Marco and me, you figure why not set somebody else up?"

"Exactly!" I smiled brightly and took out a can of Dr. Pepper from the fridge. "And, by the way, it's Marco and _I_. Not me."

"The genius strikes again. Will you ever stop flashing your genius intelligence level around in front of everyone?"

"Never," I quipped. I offered him a can of soda pop and he took it.

"So, what've you done today?"

Should I tell him I went to visit Paige? I don't know. He'd probably just laugh at me for being so concerned about Princess Paige. Eh, but what the hell. "I actually went and saw Paige."

"Is she awake or something?"

"No... But I went and saw her anyway."

He shook his head in amusement. "Ellie Nash: matchmaker, rebel, class slut, and _nurse_? When will you ever stop surprising me?"

"Har har," I laughed sarcastically. "I am _not_ a slut." I glowered as I thought about that _stupid_ superlative list.

"Don't worry, Nash. It wasn't even official anyway. Now, if the official list has you as class slut... then you should worry. But I don't think that would fly past the school."

I wrinkled my nose at him and sauntered over to his small Christmas tree. "The place looks good."

"Of course it looks good to you. You're the one who decorated it."

I sent him a sweet smile and knelt down by the tree to look at all the presents. "Let's see... a present for Jay, for Alex... Where's mine?" I teased.

He rolled his eyes and knelt next to me. "You'll get it. You'll get it."

Too bad I'm not looking forward to Christmas like I usually do. This'll be the first time my parents ever missed Christmas. I wrung my hands and bit my lip. Maybe... just maybe... An idea popped into my head. "Hey!" I cried out brightly.

"What?" Sean jumped and looked at me weird.

"Oh, sorry. I had a great idea. Since this is your first Christmas, you need someone who _knows_ how to celebrate Christmas here to celebrate it with you , right?"

He rolled his eyes and shrugged. "Yeah, I didn't really get that."

"_Me_! I can stay over Christmas Eve and we can wake up really early and open gifts! Wouldn't it be fun?"

"What about your parents?"

"They won't care. They'll love to sleep in." And they won't even be home.

"I thought I was going to go to your house on Christmas."

"Yeah, I know..." I tried to think of a solution. He's right. He was going to come over to my house and open all his gifts with me. I smiled at the thought of all the gifts "Santa" had left him underneath our tree already. "Well, plans change, right?"

"You hate change," he pointed out.

"Sean! It was just a suggestion so if you don't like, we won't do it."

"Okay, I'm sorry you're all mad now."

"I'm not mad!" I stood up quickly and walked across the room. He followed me.

"Is something wrong?"

"No..." He put a hand on my shoulder and I sighed. "Fine. Look... my parents are working out of town and they might not be back for Christmas. But it's not big deal. I'm fine. Really. I don't care. It's a stupid holiday anyway, right?" I tried to laugh it off but he wasn't buying it. Of course he wasn't buying it. Since when is Christmas stupid to me?

He stood in front of me and folded his arms across his chest. He raised his eyebrow in his own stupid, aggravating way. Damn him. "Uh huh. So you're not upset at all. You're one tough girl, Nash." He definitely wasn't buying my whole speech.

I fixed him with a glare and pushed him out of my way. "If you don't mind, I'm going to call Dan and see where he's at."

"Ooh. She's going to call super boyfriend or whatever the hell he is."

"Don't talk about Dan! He's my friend."

"Sure. That's why he's constantly been around these past few days."

"Sean, you don't even know him, so shut up."

He sneered and flopped down in his chair in front of the TV. "Whatever. Invite him over. It's not like it's _my_ place or anything."

I kissed him on the top of the head. "Aw, thanks, Sean. I will." He glared back at me for awhile before breaking into a killer smile. I swallowed hard and turned around. I did _not_ want to look at that smile.

**Sean**

Ellie jumped up to answer the door. Great. Just great. Now her little University boy-toy is here and I'll have to watch them crawl all over each other. Okay, I'll admit it- I'm a little jealous. I mean, Ellie and me are supposed to be best friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah- I know she has Marco and everything... but I'm her _straight_ best friend. That counts for something, right? Plus, I just don't like the fact that she's friends with an ex-boyfriend. Never mind the fact that I'm her ex-boyfriend, too.

"Sean, this is Dan. Dan, this is Sean." Ellie led Dan over to me by hand and I stared at her hand on his.

"Hey, man." Dan held out his hand and I shook it quickly.

"Hey," I grunted before looking back at the TV and turning the volume up higher.

Ellie gave me a look and snatched the remote from me. "How about we find something we can all enjoy? Something besides wrestling."

"I thought you were the wrestling manager, Ellie?" Dan teased.

She pursed her lips and folded her arms. "Yeah, meaning I'm sick of watching it all the time. Let's see if any movies or something are on."

"So, Sean, you're place looks nice."

"Ellie did it," I replied in a monotonous voice.

"Figures," he snorted. He nudged Ellie with his elbow.

It took all the strength I had not to break his arm off after seeing that. Okay, okay- maybe I'm being a little over-protective, but this is Ellie. And she's _my_ friend and I had her before him, so he needs to lay off.

"Sean, you have to tell me if Ellie's got her eye on any guys yet. We have a bet going on."

"I don't know," I replied shortly.

Ellie rolled her eyes and leaned forward from the couch. "Sean, stop pouting and be civil."

My cheeks turned red at her calling me out on "pouting". I _wasn't_ pouting. Dan squelched a smile and put his hand to his mouth. Oh, so now he thinks he's funny. I continued to stare straight ahead at the TV as Dan and Ellie talked about their stupid bet and other stupid crap.

* * *

"Is something wrong?" Nikki tugged on my arm, and I turned my attention back to her.

"Do you like that Dan guy?" I whispered to her.

"Um, yeah? Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know," I shrugged.

"Why, do you not like him?"

"I don't know," I shrugged again.

"Sean, what the hell has he done to you?"

"I don't know," I shrugged for the third time.

"Obviously, you don't know much of anything."

I thought about what she said. Why _don't_ I like him? He's been nice to me so far; he's nice to Ellie; he's been nice to Nikki and to Jay and Alex and Craig and Ashley. He's even nice to Marco and Devon. That's quite a feat seeing as they're being incredibly annoying playing kissy face and everything.

_Okay, Cameron. Calm down. Get to know him. Be more open-minded. He's just Ellie's friend. And so are you._ I took a deep breath and made my way over to Dan, who was sitting on a bench and lacing up his ice-skates. Ellie was already skating around on the lake with Marco and Devon.

"Hey," I greeted nervously.

He looked up and smiled. "Hey."

"So, uh, sorry for, uh, acting pretty, uh, rude before."

"No problem. I didn't really care."

Oh, great. So he didn't care. Now I just look like some childish teenager. Why couldn't he hold a grudge or something equally as childish so I didn't seem like the only immature one of the entire group?

"So, uh, you going skating or not?" Dan gestured towards my skates that I was still holding in my hands.

"Yeah, I am." I sat down on the bench and started to lace up my skates, too. Jay teetered in his skates as he headed over towards us.

"What's up, bitches?" he greeted, in his own loveable way...

Dan gave me a look and rolled his eyes. I kept myself from laughing and looked up at Jay. "What does it look like, loser?"

"Well, hurry up. You're as slow as Lexi."

"Hey!" Alex shouted from the other bench. Jay blew her kiss and shook his head at us. "Girls."

"You said it," I sighed.

Dan laughed, "Am I missing something here?"

"Not much. We just like to complain a lot about the girls in our life."

"Alex is just evil and Ellie... well... Ellie's _weird_," Jay screwed his face up to prove his point.

"Hey! She's not weird. She's _unique_," I defended my ex-girlfriend.

Jay rolled his eyes. "You would think I said something about his _girlfriend_. Not his _friend_. Yeah right."

"Ellie and I are friends. That's it." I stood up shakily on my ice-skates and trudged towards the ice rink. I didn't want to deal with Jay anymore. He knows how to push me until I snap.

"Yeah, right. _Just friends_," he whispered to Dan.

**Dan**

"You know- me and some of the bros are going on a ski weekend soon. You should all come," I told Ellie as we skated in a big circle.

She wrinkled her nose and dropped my hand. "Skiing? I _suck_ at skiing."

"How can you suck at skiing?"

"Dan, believe me- I do. It's possible. It's _very_ possible."

I put my hands up in mock defense. "Okay, okay. It was just an invitation. You don't have to ski. There's tubing, too."

"Now tubing, I love. I'll ask everyone."

"Well, it's the weekend after New Year's."

"Rad. We'll see... So, what do you think of Nikki?"

I looked over at the tall blonde and shrugged. "I haven't talked to her much. She seems nice."

"She is. She's my friend from art class."

"That's cool. Is there a point to this?" Even though I dated Ellie for only a short time, I knew she didn't just make small talk. She always had a point. And she loves to drive that point home more than anything.

"Well, okay. I'll be honest. What do you think of Nikki and... Sean?"

"Wait a second- _that's_ his girlfriend? Couldn't tell. I thought they were just friends."

"Dan, I swear I told you about Nikki. I set them up. I used to think they were cute... but now? I don't know..."

"But now you're jealous," I smiled.

"I am _not_ jealous! I don't get jealous."

"Sure... Remember the bet, Ellie. A week. A _full_ week. How ever will you get through it?"

She put her hands on her hips and fixed me with a glare. "You're pushing it. I'm just trying to look out for both of my friends. That's all."

"Well, here's a suggestion," I put my hands on her shoulders from behind and started to push her. "How about you look after _yourself_ once in awhile?"

She shrugged me off and skated away. So much for that suggestion.

* * *

I tipped back my head and took another shot. The vodka slid down my throat easily. "Whoo!" I shouted out to no one in particular. Man, I was _struggling_.

We were all back at Ellie's house having a party. Even some of my fraternity brothers had driven down for the small get-together. I waved at Ellie who was on the other side of the room talking to a dark haired girl. I'd never seen that girl before. She was cute.

Jeff White and Marcus Freeland, two of my best buddies and bros, each took a grab at my arm, doubling over with laughter. "What?" I asked, feeling like I just missed out on something important.

"She- she just took- she just took... I forget," Marcus sputtered.

Jeff couldn't stop laughing long enough to form a sentence. I shrugged and poured myself another shot. "Here's to, uh, hot girls, boys." I raised my small shot glass and took the shot.

"Speaking of... I forgot how good Ellie looks," Jeff wiggled his eyebrows and licked his lips. I smacked him on the back of the head.

"You idiot. How could you forget _that_!" I lifted my head in a greeting to her when she looked over at us. She nodded back and started to make her way over. I watched as she stumbled a little and some blonde girl grabbed her before she could fall. Hey... I've never seen that blonde girl before. She's cute.

"_Dan!_" Ellie squealed, wrapping her arms around me in a big hug. "Where've you been?"

"Right here."

"Waiting for you," she warbled, drunk. "Sorry, it's this song... Nevermind."

We all laughed, and I took another look at the blonde girl. Nice smile, dark eyes, good teeth... just my type. "I'm Dan," I stuck out my hand and offered it to her.

She shook it and smiled again, tipping her head a little. "I'm Emma."

"Pretty!" I breathed, rather stupidly.

Jeff and Marcus laughed. So did Ellie. "Come on, Jeff, Marcus. Let's go _dance_!" She took their hands and drug them off to the other side of the room, leaving me alone with Miss Emma.

"So Miss Emma, are you in Ellie's grade?"

"A year below. You?"

"I'm at University."

"That's neat-o! Oh my God, I can't believe I just said neat-o..." she clapped a hand over her mouth and flushed with embarrassment.

I chuckled and put a comforting hand on her arm. "It was cute. I liked it."

"You did?" she smiled shyly.

I leaned forward slightly. "Yeah, I did..."

Is this a giddy feeling growing in my stomach? Was I feeling nauseous from the mixture of beer and liquor... or am I actually feeling butterflies because of this girl. I took in her jeans and white oxford shirt. She even has her freaking shirt tucked in. She's perfect. I don't know if it's the alcohol or what but... Damn! "You're beautiful," I blurted out. I immediately realized my mistake. Great, now she thinks I'm an idiot.

But she laughed it off. "And you're drunk!"

"No, no I'm not drunk."

"I think you are Dan."

"What's going on?"

I turned to my side and saw Sean walking towards us, that girl hanging off of his arm. He smiled good-naturedly and offered Emma a beer- which she took. "Dan, do you like to hit on all my ex-girlfriends or something?" he asked with a smirk.

"What?" Wait a second... Was Emma one of his ex-girlfriends. Nah. Couldn't be.

"Meet Emma. My ex-girlfriend," he smirked again.

God. Of _course_ she's his ex-girlfriend. He gets every good girl first.

Emma twirled her turquoise necklace and blushed. "Sean, will you please not do this to him?" she asked, a smile on her face.

"Just looking out for my girls!"

From the look on Emma's face, I could tell Sean didn't normally act like this. She looked at him like he was crazy.

"Is everyone here drunk?" she asked, gesturing to me and Sean.

Sean clapped me on the back, as if we were old friends, and chuckled. "Take care of her, man. But watch out- she'll talk your ear off, get you involved in all of her protests, and constantly be in your business."

Emma glared at him, but rolled her eyes a few moments later. "Whatever, Sean. Just go and pass out somewhere."

And he actually took her advice. Next thing I knew he was falling back onto a couch, and he was out. Nikki sighed loudly and stalked off. Something tells me she's not having that good of a time.

"And where were we?" I looked back at Emma, who had curiously multiplied by four.

I saw her write something down on a piece of paper and stick it into my pocket. I smiled as her hand reached into my pocket and felt around. Man, I didn't think she'd be this forward.

"I'm giving you my number now because I think you'll be next to pass out and tomorrow you probably won't remember this conversation at all. So call me sometime. I'll remind you."

And with that she smiled at me again and walked away.

**Ellie**

I rolled over and off of the bed, landing in a thud on the floor. I stood up slowly and ran a hand through my hair before walking out of the room, leaving Jeff out cold on the bed. Well, that settles it. I just lost the freaking bet. But what was I supposed to do- I'm drunk, lonely, and have endless possibilities. Between all of Dan's frat brothers and the other unknown guys who've showed up, I have a huge supply of men at my disposal. And it sucks being the only single one out of all your friends. Even Emma and Dan hit it off tonight.

God, it really sucks being the lonely one. Damnit!

I made my way back into the den where the party was at mostly. A fire was roaring, a group of guys were over by the pool table, some people were gathered around the card table playing drinking games, and one guy was playing bartender. I didn't even know who the hell he was. Somehow, getting my drink from him was rather questionable. Oh well.

On second thought...

I might as well make myself a less miserable drunk. I ran up to my room, almost tumbling down the stairs when I tripped over a step. I felt the walls as I headed towards my bedroom- the door looming in front of me, seeming miles away. I shut it tightly behind me and, on second thought, locked it. I fell on my hands and knees and found the small box underneath my bed- my generic little hiding spot. Not very creative, I know.

The white powder went up easily, and I smiled. There, now I'd be a fabulous conversation starter. All of a sudden, I was feeling pretty damn sexy. I checked myself in the mirror- sheer black shirt, black lace tank top that laced up the entire front, my favorite little see-through black skirt, and fishnets. I looked hot. Suddenly, my confidence was sky-rocketing. I was exhilarated!

I made it downstairs just in time as someone put on "Pour Some Sugar On Me" from the jukebox. Awesome. "My song!" I screeched, grabbing a hold of both Craig and Jimmy's hands. I twirled them in a circle and started jumping up and down.

J.T. joined us from who knows where and started jumping up and down with me. I grabbed him by the color of his oxford and pulled him towards me, kissing him hard on the lips. I pushed him away afterwards and he stumbled back, stunned. I laughed and reached for the next available guy. Who the hell is this? I shrugged and kissed him anyway. He ran his hands down my ass and squeezed. I pushed him away and gave his a teasing look.

"Who's next?" I asked, spreading my arms out. "Come on! Who's next?"

Marcus gave me a big smooch on the lips and nibbled on my neck. I giggled and ran my hands roughly through his hair. I felt someone tugging on my arm, but I pulled back. Wow. I never realized how _cute_ Marcus was. Wait, Marco. Wait, Marcus. Right? This was Marco? No, Marcus. I pushed the guy back and looked at his face. Okay, Marcus. It's Marcus.

"You're _crazy_!" he shouted in my ear.

I didn't bother telling him that I could hear him just fine. "No, you are!"

"You are!"

"You are!"

"YOU ARE!" I screamed, raising my arms above my head.

"Will you both just shut the hell up?" Jay spat. He was lying on a nearby couch, Alex snuggled on top of him. "Some of us are trying to have a little privacy," he slurred.

"Get a room!" I retorted, laughing at how funny I was. "That was funny," I told Marcus. He laughed to show his appreciation.

"Hey, where's Jeff?"

"Jeff?"

"Yeah. Jeff White. Dan's friend?"

"Oh! I just hooked up with him!"

"What?" he looked at me incredulously. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah. We didn't have _sex_ or anything. We like kissed. Forever."

"That's hot!" He pulled me towards him. "Come here!" And he kissed me again.

A crash sounded, and I saw Spinner back away from a broken figurine scattered on the floor. He gave me a guilty look. I ran over to him and threw an arm around his shoulder. "No problemo, Spinster! You're cool!"

He gave me a weird look and backed away from me. "Okay. Thanks."

I gave him a big, wet kiss on his cheek and winked at him. "Maybe later?"

"What?"

"Us," I pointed to me and him. "Later?"

"Uh... sure?" he looked confused. And a little agitated.

I squeezed his bicep and ran a hand sexily down his arm before going back to Marcus, who was struggling to stay standing up. I took his hand and led him out of the room. "Let's go upstairs."

"Okay," he chuckled. "What are we going to do?"

I gave him a wide-eyed look and shrugged slightly. "Oh, I don't know!"

I'm normally not like this. Really, I'm not. It must be the alcohol or something that's making me so... out there. But, hell, I'm desperate for attention. There, I've admitted to it. Maybe if I didn't always feel so ignored, I wouldn't have to resort to acting like some floozy. Yeah, maybe if my parents didn't leave me alone all the time, I wouldn't always get myself into trouble. Screw them, though. I hope Spinner goes and breaks everything valuable in this house. They deserve it. So screw them. Screw the bet. Screw Christmas. And screw anybody who stands in my way of having _fun_.

**So... who's sick of seeing Ellie chase after nrew guys yet? Don't worry. I know it's pathetic of me to keep doing this, but it IS going to play a big part later on. It will. I promise. And how evil am I to take Ellie's parents away for Christmas? Mwuhaha. It'll all work out, though. So next chapter- Ellie has fun with men; Ellie moves into Sean's for Christmas weekend; Nikki and Sean start to get back to normal and have fun with each other; and... um... I don't know what else. As always, comments/suggestions are always welcome. Thanks so much for the wonderful and thoughtful reviews thus far. And if anyone has any POVs they'd like to see- TELL ME- so far the next chapter I can only think of Ellie and Sean having a point of view. Please, I really do like suggestions. Anyone? Anyone? **


	49. Winter

**Chapter 49: Winter**

_You say I wanted you to be proud of me_.

_I always wanted that myself._

_When you gonna make up your mind?_

_When you gonna love you as much as I do?_

**Paige**

I wanted to scream. I wanted to open my eyes and _say_ something. I wanted everyone to know that I was still alive and kicking, just temporarily paralyzed. It was hard listening to my parents worry about me not being awake in time for Christmas. _Don't worry, Mom and Dad. I'll be home in time for Christmas_. And poor Hazel was worrying herself sick over me. She was keeping me up on all the good gossip, though. She says Spinner is freaking out. She says he hasn't been the same since I went under. Poor Spinner... He's been holding my hand a lot. I wanted to squeeze his back, but I _couldn't_.

And _her_. Was it really her? Was I imagining the whole thing? Did Ellie Nash really come and visit me in the hospital? Was that really her or was that some other girl? Why can't I remember? I could barely remember what Ellie's voice sounded like, so how could I know for sure if it'd been her? What did she even say to me?

I heard a persistent beeping. Was I hooked up to a machine? I tried to open my eyes. I failed. I tried to wiggle my fingers a little, but I didn't succeed.

_Come on, Paige. You can do this._

_You can do it._

_You can._

_Do it._

_Do it, Paige. Just do it._

_DO IT!_

My eyelids fluttered, and I squeezed them tightly as the blinding light of the room accosted them. I slowly opened them back up to tiny slits, halfway, and finally all the way. The blinding white walls of the hospital room met my gaze. My lower lip trembled a little and made its way into a small pout. Have I really been in the hospital? I let out a small cough and scrunched my nose. I bet my breath is _disgusting_ right now. And so is my hair. I glanced down at the few oily strands that lay across my shoulders. Gross. Double gross.

"Mom?" I coughed out weakly. No answer. "Mom?"

I looked around the room and tried to find something I could use to make noise. Wasn't there some stupid button you were supposed to push? There are in all those TV shows and movies. Oh. Here it is. I pressed the small button and heard a little ding in the distance. There. A nurse would be with me in no time.

Why were my nails pink? I don't remember painting them. In fact, I remember them being clear before. I wiggled my fingers and smiled slightly a the sparkly pink color. Well, whoever painted my nails knew me perfectly. Probably Hazel.

_I'm just making up for all the time I spent pretending to be Marco's girlfriend._

NO! It couldn't have been...

_Do you know how many times I've felt invisible to everyone?_

_I think I'm doing a good job of hiding my devastation, though. Don't you?_

"You're up!"

I shook my head slightly and looked towards the door. A nurse came bustling in, all smiles. "What?"

"You're up! You're parents will be so happy. And just in time for Christmas!"

I tried to smile back, but my thoughts kept going back to Ellie. Had she really been here? Had that really been her saying those things or did I just make it all up? "Excuse me, but have you been taking care of me all this time?"

The petite nurse shook her head and grinned. "Sure have!"

"Do you remember seeing a red-haired girl visiting me? Alternative looking?" Why was I _hoping_ it'd been her? Seriously, Paige... Get a life. You should be happy that there's a chance that Ellie didn't visit you. After all, it's not like she's your _friend_ or anything.

"Ah, yes! She came every day. How do you like your nails? She painted them."

I looked back at my nails and my stomach started to hurt. Why did she have to go and overstep the boundaries? Ellie and I are as different as night and day. We don't mesh. So why did she have to go and _mesh_?

"And she brought these flowers in. Daisies! Aren't they sweet?" The nurse shoved a small bouquet of traditional white daises in front of my nose. Talk about overkill... I sniffed them appreciatively and tried to smile to show my gratefulness.

_Damnit, Nash. _You went too far this time. You're supposed to be happy that I got in a car accident. After all, if it had been her, I would be thrilled. Right?

Right?

The thought of something happening to her made me sick. Okay, okay. I'll admit it. I have a soft spot for the pathetic little girl. There's something so pitiful about the way she carries on and acts as if she's got it all figured out. But I'll only admit it to myself. If anyone else knew about my secret interest in the girl, I'd be the laughingstock of Degrassi. You just don't care about her. You just don't. It betrays the laws of science or something like that.

"Paigey?" My mom rushed into the room, my dad not too far behind. I burst into tears as soon as I saw my parents. "Oh, Paigey!"

She brushed away a few tears and hugged me tightly. I held onto her for dear life, scared that I might lose her and Dad again if I let go. My dad wrapped his arms around the both of us and rested his forehead against the top of my head. My body shook with sobs as I clutched onto them.

The doctor came in and examined me. Miraculously, I feel fine. I really do. Sure, I'm a little sore in places, and I have a few bruises, but nothing serious is wrong with me. The nurses called it a Christmas miracle. I like to think that someone was looking out for me. Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, and I'm being released so I can celebrate a _quiet_ holiday with my family. I'm on strict orders, however, that I'm to come back in afterwards to get another check-up.

That night I settled back into the hospital bed and stared at the ceiling as my eyes grew heavier. The nurse had given me some medicine to help me sleep and get well-rested. I could feel the drug starting to work. It didn't distort my thoughts too much, though, because I was thinking about Ellie again as I nodded off too sleep.

I tried to think back to what she had said to me. I remember feeling her presence, but I can barely remember anything she said. Throughout the day, things she said have been shooting to my head at the oddest times. But that's all. I can't remember entire moments. Entire dialogues. Just a sentence here and there. Normally, I wouldn't care. But I do. Because this is my enemy and she came to see me in the hospital every day. And she talked to me and brought me flowers and painted my nails and... She actually cares.

For a long time I thought I was invisible to her. Sure, I know everyone else sees me. I'm like the most popular girl in the school. I'm always the center of attention. But she has always been the one person who could completely ignore me and not even care what I said. Sometimes I'd wonder if she even knew I was alive. I guess so. And it kind of makes me feel good to know that she does notice me sometimes.

**Ellie**

I placed my final gift for Sean underneath his tiny tree. Practically the entire small living room was filled with overflowing gifts. I guess you can say I went a little crazy. I thought to what my Christmas tree back at home probably looks like. Empty. Barren. I wonder if my parents will even bother having someone put my gifts underneath the tree. Oh well. I don't really even need anything. It doesn't really matter.

"What's this?" Sean yawned and came out of his bedroom, shirtless and scratching his bare chest. A lazy smile was spread across his face and he sat down next to me on the floor.

I ducked my head and focused on scratching the nail polish off of my nails. "What does it look like?"

"Ooh, sarcasm this early in the morning? Someone had a bad night."

I didn't bother responding. Yeah, I _did_ have a bad night. I thought I had found a nice, cool guy at the party the other night, but no. He just turned out to be another jerk. What was his name again? Oh yeah, Nick. Yeah. _Nick_. And what a bust he'd been. I figured we'd go see an artsy movie and grab a cup of coffee at the coffee place, but he'd had something else entirely in mind. Instead of actually going out on a date, he drove me up to the makeshift "make-out" point and put the moves on me. Never mind that it was _freezing_ outside and in his car. Because, you know, his heater just _had _to be broken. And then he actually had the nerve to say, "I'll keep you warm" as he threw his arms around me and practically choked me with his tongue.

Needless to say, I was _not_ pleased. Whatever happened to dates where something besides petting each other actually happened? I guess it didn't help too much that I'd been all over him at the party, but can anyone really blame me? I was intoxicated. He knew that. And I'm really not like that.

Let's just hope that the next guy isn't so disappointing. _Please_, don't let the next guy be so disappointing.

"Are you hungry?"

I grimaced at the idea of shoveling food in my mouth and shook my head. "Nope."

"Have another hot date for tonight?"

"Yeah," I tried to muster up some type of excitement in my voice, but I could barely smile. Why can't I just find someone who likes me for me and not for the talented things I can do with my mouth or whatever?

"You don't sound too excited," Sean commented as he poured himself a bowl of chocolate cereal. I watched with scrutiny to see where he put it back. Ah. He's learning. He put it right back in its spot.

I didn't bother responding. I grabbed a book and set myself down on the lumpy couch. It's so much easier to ignore everyone when I have a book. Too bad Sean had to come over and take the book out of my hands.

"I'm sick of you reading. You're _always_ reading."

"That's because I _know how_ to read. Unlike_ some _people," I shot back, annoyed that he was disturbing me.

"If you're living here for the weekend, you're not allowed to read. That's the rules."

"Clever," I mumbled. I folded my arms and sank deeper into the couch. "So, what am I supposed to do?"

"Answer my questions. Why are you going out tonight if you don't even want to?"

"Who said I didn't want to?" I hate when people put words in my mouth. Just because I don't enjoy gushing about every single moment in my love life... ha, _that's_ funny... doesn't mean I'm some old spinster. So I'm private. Is that a crime nowadays?

"It's written all over your face. Yeah, right there. That 'don't fuck with me' look you've had on all morning."

"You just got up."

"And you've had it since I first looked at you."

"It's nothing. Really."

So I'm a total liar. Since when have I become so degenerative? I never used to lie. Ever.

There was a knock at the door, and Sean sighed. Thank God. Now I'm off the hook at least. I watched with little interest as Sean answered the door and let the visitor in. Probably Jay or Towerz or some other wannabe gangsta. I yawned and watched the snow fall outside through the small window.

"Hey Ellie!"

I snapped myself back to attention when I heard Nikki's voice. "Hey Nikki," I responded, trying to muster up some enthusiasm.

"What's wrong?"

_Ugh!_ What's wrong? I should be asking what's wrong with everybody else. Why can't anyone leave me alone for five seconds?

"Nothing's wrong."

"Okay," she seemed pleased with the answer.

I stared as she wrapped her arms around Sean's waist and pulled him into a passionate kiss. A nauseating feeling spread through my stomach, and I quickly looked away. What is with everyone and public displays of affection? It's so disgusting. Maybe I should write a small blurb about it in my next article for the Grapevine. Someone needs to take care of the problem.

I thought back to the day when Sean told me he didn't have to move. He could collect student welfare and stay in his same apartment. I'd been so happy that I'd jumped on him with the whole hallway watching. I hadn't even cared that my peers were watching. I was just insanely happy that my boyfriend didn't have to leave me. I want that feeling back again. That giddy, uncontrollable happy feeling.

"I thought we could go and check out this art show at the Gallery today. So get dressed!"

"Art show?" Sean didn't sound too enthused. He put his hands on Nikki's shoulders and pushed her back a bit. "Yeah... an art show... Well, actually I had plans with... with..."

Nikki gave a small pout and kissed him again. "Now do you want to go? I'll make it worth it."

_Ugh. How desperate are you!_ I put a hand to my mouth and frowned at my thoughts. Why was I thinking like that? I'm not a vicious person. I'm kind. And I like Nikki. But did she have to sound so... so... Oh, who am I kidding? Wasn't I throwing myself at random guys just the other night looking for some type of affection and acceptance? I'm like the worst type of desperate out there.

Sean thought about it and sighed. "Fine, I'll go."

"I know you hate art, but it'll be fun. Plus, it seems like we barely spend time together anymore."

"Yay, art..." Sean muttered as he retreated into his bedroom to get dressed.

Sure, Sean doesn't appreciate art as much as Nikki and I do, but... he's gone to shows before. Happily. With _me_. I smiled at that realization. He wasn't willing to go with Nikki, but he had been willing to go with me last year. An evil laugh sounded in my head. _Mwuhaha_. I remember the night as if it'd been yesterday. The Gallery had been hosting a few different artists from the United States and Canada, and I'd heard about it through my art teacher. I'd mentioned it to Sean, and he had quickly agreed to go with me. He had still been in the whole "impress me" stage. He had even managed to take off his trademark hat and wear a casual button up over his wife-beater instead of his usual grey hoodie.

We had walked through the Gallery, stopping at each painting. I'd shared my thoughts with him about each piece and he'd done his best to appear all-knowing about the art world. I'll never forget the moment he'd flubbed up Van Gogh's name and most popular piece. He'd told me that Van Gogh was most known for his _Mona Lisa_. As one of Van Gogh's greatest fans... I couldn't help but smile as he went on to tell me more about Van Gogh's life... how he had painted the Sistine Chapel and how his art work was responsible for changing the world of advertising today. He was so hopelessly clueless, and I had found the whole night rather endearing.

Two weeks later I'd bought him a book about art history and from that day on he'd been sure to point out that he had been joking that entire night at the Gallery. That's when I knew he was really serious about this. About me. He'd been trying so hard to impress me that he even read a huge book about art history. Not many guys would do that for a girl. Every morning he'd surprise me at my locker and sneak in a new art tidbit he'd learned from his reading.

"Ellie, are you okay?"

I blinked and focused on Nikki in front of me. "What?"

"You looked like a psycho smiling like that. Did you get laid or something last night?"

I pursed my lips and shook my head. "As a matter of fact, I didn't. You should know that I don't go around sleeping with random gu-"

"I was just kidding. Chill out."

"Whatever." I got up from the couch and started towards the bathroom.

"Is something wrong, Ellie?" Nikki followed me.

I looked in the mirror at my reflection before turning back to her. "No. I'm fine. Seriously."

Sean walked out of his room and kissed Nikki hard on the lips as I watched.

_I'm fine. Just insanely jealous._

I sat on the edge of the bathtub as they left the apartment. I heard the door slam, and I felt alone. Next thing I knew, my hand was reaching for my razor from its "hiding" spot. I thought I could hide it from myself. Not true. I always found a way to hurt myself no matter how hard I tried. Just look at my past decisions. I fall in love with my gay best friend; I start cutting myself; I push and push myself to be something impossible; I continue to let my friends hurt me; I fall in love with the bad boy who has a reputation; I went for an older college boy; I let myself lose my identity with Ryan; and now look at me. I'm pushing myself on guys that I _know_ will just hurt me. And it's like I can't stop no matter how hard I try. I'll just always have this vice. I'll always put myself into these situations.

I stretched a leg out and started working on my upper thigh. I might not get the same satisfaction of watching a line of blood spill over if I just nick myself, but at least it'll let me feel something. Even if it's just a short spurt of pain.

**Emma**

I took my gloves and scarf off and threw them on the small kitchen counter in the little apartment. It feels like forever since I've been here. I thought of all the times Sean and I had ordered double cheese pizza and watched a movie or studied... Thinking about those times brought a smile to my face. We had some good times...

"Hello?" I called out.

Ellie casually walked in, a toothbrush in her mouth. "Hmph."

"What?" I laughed.

She took her toothbrush out. "Hey," she mumbled a little more clearly.

"Hey," I responded. I looked around. "Sean's not here?"

She shook her head and walked back into the bathroom. I could hear her spitting and rinsing her mouth out. "He's out with Nikki."

"Oh." I was a little disappointed. Didn't I break up with Sean so he could be with _Ellie_? Somehow the gods hadn't gotten a hold of my plan because they were seriously screwing up here.

Ellie leaned the sink and crossed her arms. "Oh? Wow, Em... if I didn't know any better I'd think you were jealous."

"No, not jealous," I confirmed. "Anyway," I smiled. "I have someone already."

"DAN!" Ellie put a hand to her mouth and grabbed my wrist. "Okay, let's go sit down and you tell me everything."

"When did you become such a gossip girl?"

"This isn't gossip! This is cold hard fact. And I happen to think Dan is a great guy. And you're a great girl. And if you two get together, then my whole idea worked."

"And you're a genius."

"Exactly. So, when did this happen?"

"Last night. My parents were a little leery of letting me go out with him because he's at University. So, instead, he came over for dinner with me and the parentals. Ellie, I'm falling. _Hard_."

I could barely control my excitement. Really. Last night had been great. Dan had been a perfect gentleman and somehow I knew that he wasn't putting on some act for my parents. That's how he really is. He's fun and exciting but a good guy. He's not going to break my heart like Sean and Chris did.

Ellie pulled a pillow from her bed and hugged it to her chest. "So did your parents like him?"

"Yeah," I nodded eagerly. "They _did_. Him and my dad talked about sports. And then he talked with my mom about this book she's reading that he's also reading for a class. And he said he'd come down and have her cut his hair next time he needs it. He says he'll bring down all of his 'brothers'."

"And he will. Believe me. He doesn't go back on promises at all."

"I never thought I'd like a guy who was in a _frat_. Seriously."

"Yeah, me neither. But he's really sweet. And so are his friends."

"Why the hell did you let him go?"

She shrugged. "You know how it is. Some people you just have friendly feelings for. We just felt more like friends. Sometimes you can't help who you have romantic feelings for."

An idea popped into my head. "Oh? And who do _you_ have romantic feelings for?"

"No one!"

"Come on, it's Spinner isn't it? I saw you all over him."

"Oh, _God_! No! Believe me. I have no romantic feelings for Spinner. I don't feel that way for anyone."

"No one at all? You can tell me."

"No one. I'm just having fun right now. Experimenting."

I tugged on a loose strand on the bedspread. "You sure you aren't doing _too much_ experimenting?" My eyes dropped, embarrassed that I even brought up the subject.

She also seemed slightly embarrassed. "Listen, the party... that's not who I am. I don't go around with find a bunch of random guys and just... I don't."

"Then why did you? Are you okay? Is something going on?"

"What's with all the questions? I'm fine. I'm just... looking around... Was I really that bad?"

I just nodded. No point in telling Ellie all the sordid details. I'm sure she's heard enough gossip about her more than flirtatious actions at the party. I still can't believe that was her- throwing herself on all those guys, constantly drinking, acting like some character off of a stupid teen sex comedy...

"I'm really not like that. I don't know. Maybe it's just everything that's going on right now- Paige in the hospital, my parents working over the holidays, things not working out with Ryan... I guess I just went a little out of control."

"Don't worry. It'll all blow over. Everyone knows you're not like that." At least I _hoped_ it all blew over. Everyone sure acted as if they were getting a good laugh out of her performance.

"Let's just not talk about anymore. I don't really care anyways what everyone thinks."

"That's where were different. I always want everyone to think like me. I guess that's why I'm known as being the pushy Nature Girl."

"At least you having an actual boyfriend after years of solitude doesn't automatically make you some class slut," she joked.

"Yeah, I heard about that. Manny was glad that all the attention was off of her for awhile."

"Whatever. It doesn't even matter. It's just a bunch of immature morons putting a stupid label on me. Still, it would have been nice to get a _nice_ label."

"Like... Most Unique? Too bad _Ashley_ got that one."

Ellie rolled her eyes and squeezed her pillow even tighter. "Yeah, I know. And it's not even about the whole label thing anymore. Everyone adores her and acts as if she's some out-there, unique, artistic, troubled soul when basically she gets all of her clothes out of _Seventeen_, can't do anything remotely artistic, and spends all her free-time listening to Evanescence. She tries to be all punk, garage rocker and she doesn't even know those The Clash is."

I burst out laughing, "Whoa! Someone was holding that in."

"Don't get me wrong. I love the girl to death, but _seriously_... why can't she just be herself and stop trying to impress everyone?"

I shrugged and ran a hand through my hair. "I don't know. I wonder what label I'll get. Probably something like Most Judgmental, right?"

"You've loosened up a bit, Em. We can't help it if were more mature than everyone else."

"I don't _feel_ mature."

"Well, you are. Believe me."

"I just wish people would see me for more than just some environmental freak. No one cares that I like music and I like playing sports and all that stuff. I'm an actually pretty normal person, but everyone acts as if I'm some Green Peace freak."

"I know how it feels..."

We were silent for a little bit.

"I like this," Ellie broke the silence first.

"What?"

"_This_. Girl talk. I've never really had any girl friends before. Ashley was probably my second one ever. And sometimes I feel like I can't even really talk to her anymore. She's always hanging out with Paige. Paige is her oldest friend. She calls Paige her best friend."

"I don't think I could survive with out girl friends."

"Yeah, well, I didn't really know what I was missing."

"It's nice, isn't it? To have someone you can talk about girly stuff with. Besides Marco."

"Yeah, Marco... he's still my best friend, but it's also nice to have a friend who's a girl. Like you. And Alex."

I smiled and gave Ellie a hug. "Aw, is tough Ellie Nash getting all soft on me?"

"You wish," she responded, a bite in her tone.

**Ellie**

I applied the finishing touches to my mascara. There. I was finished. I stood back and looked in the mirror. I think I look pretty okay. These pants might look better if I lost a few pounds though. Maybe even just three. I turned to the side and looked at my reflection. Yeah, just a few more pounds. I tugged at my new Morphine Generation shirt and smiled. Such a cute outfit... And _original_.

"Come out, Ellie! I want to see!" Emma knocked impatiently on my door. I know, I know... girls are supposed to be able to change in front of each other, but I'm not at that stage just yet. Especially since the last time Ashley made such a big deal about my weight.

I opened the door and let Emma in. She squealed like a little girl when she saw me and put her hands on my arms. "You look fabulous! I'm so excited for you."

"It's just a date."

"I know, but it's our first date together as real good friends. Sorry, I get this way. You should see how I got when Manny and Craig went on their first date together. Total cheese!"

"Just don't tell me you're going to make me start posing for pictures."

"I might. What's your shirt say?"

"Huh?" I peeled the white t-shirt away from the long black thermal I wore underneath. "Oh, I don't know. I just liked the design."

"Hold still and let me read it." She pulled at the shirt and her eyes scanned over it. "_Sometimes I'm thinking that I love you... But I know it's only Lust..._"

Ha! Isn't that the truth. "Imagine that," I murmured.

"Well, it's a beautiful shirt. A little heartbreaking, but beautiful."

"Oh my God... I can't believe you just said this shirt is heartbreaking. Okay, he's going to be here soon."

"Is he cute?"

"I can't remember. His name is Oliver."

"How classic. Okay, well, I'll go now. Have a good time!"

The front door banged open and closed. I sighed. Great, now Sean was home to see me off on my date. Somehow I know that's not going to go so well. "I'll try."

Emma gave me another hug and I hugged her back lightly. Still a little odd to be hugging a girl.

"Ellie?" Sean walked into my room. "Emma?"

Emma waved and left. Sean stared after her for a second before looking back at me. "Are you guys like friends now or something?"

"We were kind-of friends before. But, yes, now we're friends."

"You're friends with a girl?"

"I'm friends with Ashley and Alex," I pressed, even though I had been making the same marvelous discovery earlier.

"Well, Ashley's... _Ashley_... and Alex is nothing like a girl."

"Oh, that's nice."

"Where're you going?"

"On my date, remember?"

"Oh." He looked a little down. "I thought we could hang out tonight."

"You knew I had a date tonight."

"Yeah, but you didn't seem so excited about it. So I thought maybe you'd cancel it?" He gave me a hopeful look.

Normally, I would give in. Instantly. But not today. I'm not giving in tonight. "Nope. Sorry. I'll see you later."

"You look good."

A small, satisfied smile spread over my lips. "Thanks."

He smiled back at me. We stood there for a little bit just smiling at each other and looking in each other's eyes.

A knock on the door ruined the moment.

I cleared my throat and left the room to go answer the door. I let Oliver in- who was pretty cute- and excused myself to go get my bag. Sean casually strolled into the living room and gave a curt nod to my date. Oliver didn't bother to nod back.

"Ready?" I asked him as I pulled my leather jacket on.

He mumbled something. _Okay_. I guess he's the strong silent type. I waved bye to Sean and he watched as we left. I snuck a glance back up at the window as Oliver and I walked down the sidewalk to his car, and I could swear I saw the curtain move. I smiled. So, Sean's checking up on me...

"So, what are we doing?"

"I dunno," Oliver mumbled.

I rolled my eyes. Great. Already I can't stand this kid. "Well, we can go get something to eat or see a movie or go get coffee or just walk around downtown... We could go check out what bands are playing at the Garage or we could..."

"Could you just... _not talk_ for a moment? It's hurting."

"Me talking hurts?" I gave him an incredulous look.

He groaned a put a hand up to his head. I guess that answers my question. I folded my arms and walked briskly to the car. Let's see, if he opens the door for me, I'll give him one more chance. He didn't.

Okay, well, I'll still give him a chance just so I don't have to go back and have Sean say "I told you so" or something stupid like that. I sat low in my seat and fiddled with the CD player. Let's see what this dude listens to. I sat back quickly as loud, screaming, choked cat sounds accosted my ears. What the _hell_? Usually I'm pretty cool about music. Just don't put some lip-synching fake into my CD player and I can be happy. But this? This is just _noise_. And I'm completely aware that I sound like my mother right now when I say that. But, seriously, this is disturbing.

"I'm gonna kill you! KILL YOU! KILL YOU! I hate you daddy! KILL YOU! KILL YOU! KILL YOU!"

And was Oliver actually singing along? I didn't think he opened his mouth. Oh God, wait a second...

"Is this you?"

"My band," he mumbled.

Cool. A band. Except one thing. They _suck_.

"I'm guessing you don't have a good relationship with your father?"

"I fantasize about killing my family."

Let me out of the car. NOW. I twisted my hands nervously as he went on to talk about his fantasies. Hey, I'm glad he's actually talking. But about murder? Not cool. Definitely not cool. And ten minutes later, the same song was _still_ on. Except, for the last, oh, three minutes, the exact same thing was being suck. _Hate you! Kill you! Hate you! Kill you! Hate you! Kill you!_ Hey, I feel your pain, Oliver. I'm thinking some pretty drastic things right now, too.

He just drove around aimlessly. My eyebrows scrunched together as we hit a few backroads and ended up nowhere near town. "Where are we going?"

He didn't answer.

"Seriously, where the fuck are we going?"

He gave me a look and stopped the car in some grassy field. Before I could say anything else, he threw himself out of his seat and attacked me with his lips and tongue. I shuddered as he stuck his tongue down my throat and scratched at my new top with his overly long nails.

"Stop it!" I ordered, pushing him away. "Take me home."

He kissed me again.

"Hey, jerk. If you don't take me home right now, I'm going to scream."

"Who'll hear you?"

"Oh, fuck you!" I slapped his hand away from my boob and reached for the car handle. He pulled me back by the waist as I started to get out. "Get _off_!"

One of his arms encircled my neck as his other hand slid down to my pants. He rubbed his hand over me and kissed my neck as I tugged at his arm with my hands. "It'll only take a second," he whispered.

"Argh!" I jabbed my elbow into his side and caught him a little off guard. "You pervert!"

This time I hit him good enough to allow myself time to get out of the car. I pulled my jacket on and stalked off in the snow towards the road. There had to be a house somewhere nearby. Some stranger had to be kind enough to give me a place to sit so a friend could pick me up.

"Come back!" Oliver finally allowed himself to screech. I shuddered at the sound of his voice and wrapped my arms tighter around me.

"Come near me, you bastard, and I swear I'll fucking rip your dick off, okay?" I shouted back.

He didn't listen to me. I felt his hands on my shoulders trying to push me down. Okay, think, Ellie. What are all those self-defense moves you see on _Oprah_ and other talk shows? Think. Think. Think. I turned around and poked my two fingers into his eyes. He screamed and brought his hands to his eyes, giving me time to knee him solidly in the crotch. He whimpered and fell into the soft snow in pain.

"If I ever see you again, I'll really mess you up. And your music _sucks_."

* * *

I shivered on the doorstop and knocked again. Please, please, please... someone answer the door. It was freezing outside and there was no way I'd be able to walk any more. This was the first nice-looking house I'd seen for three miles.

The door opened slowly and a middle-aged woman looked out. "Yes?"

"I'm sorry. Could I come in and wait for a friend to pick me up?" I know I sounded suspicious. I wouldn't even let myself in. Well, maybe I would...

She eyed me for awhile and looked around outside. "What's the problem?"

"I was with a guy and he... he..." Just thinking about started to get me choked up. What the hell gives him the right to try and take advantage of me? I guess I didn't realize how choked up I was about the whole incident until now.

She ushered me in. "Come on in, sweetie. You need a phone or do you have one?"

"I have one," I answered. I went through the phone book and called Sean first. No answer. Dammit! I tried Marco. Straight to voice mail. Probably with Devon. Who else has a car? Craig's visiting his grandma with his family... Ashley is at her dad's for the night. Jay is... Oh God, all I need is Jay to go all overprotective commando on me again. No way I'd ever ask Spinner for a ride. I do have my pride, after all. I would never make Dan come all the way down here. I could try Nikki.

I dialed Nikki's number and held my breath, waiting for her to answer.

"Hello?" she answered breathlessly.

"Hey, it's me." I tried to make my voice sound as strong as possible. No reason to worry anyone.

"Ellie? What's up? I'm kind of busy..."

"Oh. Well, I just kind of need a ride-..."

"Can't you call someone else? What about Sean, Marco...?"

"Sean's not answering and Marco's phone isn't on... I kind of had some trouble tonight with-..." I heard a guy's voice.

"Listen, call Sean again. I gotta go." She giggled. "Okay, yeah, um, bye!"

_Bitch!_ What do you think of that? I would drop anything to go pick up one of my friends if they needed me to. Why can't anyone ever look out for me? I took her advice and tried Sean again. No luck. He was probably out with Jay. You could never hear your phone in Jay's car because of the bass.

I scrolled through my phone book again, tears starting to prick the back of my eyes. Damnit, I just need a fucking ride home. Well, maybe Hazel could... No, Hazel doesn't have a car. But... _But_... _Jimmy_ does. Yeah, Jimmy. He's a cool guy. He took care of me at that one party, didn't he? Maybe I can ask him. I mean, he's a gentleman. I pressed the send button and jiggled my knee as I waited.

"Yo."

I smiled. "Jimmy?"

"Who's this?"

"It's... Ellie... Yeah, weird, I know. Okay, well, I have a favor."

"Hey, Ellie. Yeah?"

I sighed and went into my story. "Well, I was with this guy and he-..."

"Where you at? I'll pick you up."

Thank you! Thank you for not making me tell you the entire story. "Thanks, Jimmy," I said sincerely.

"No problem."

I gave him the address the lady had given me for her house and got off the phone.

"You got a ride?" the lady asked, looking up from her newspaper.

"Yeah, I have a ride. Thanks. Really."

"No problem, darling. Us women have to look out for each other, right?"

"Right." Wow, I'd never really realized until today how much a girl needs other girls in her life. Sure, girls may be catty and get all bitchy about idiotic things, but we can also be loyal and quick to help another member of the female species out. You just have to surround yourself with positive women.

And boys? Boys are okay. I still like boys. But not boys like Nick. Or Ryan. Or Oliver. No way. I don't like boys like them. I leaned back against the wall and slid down it, tears spilling out of my eyes. I sobbed out loud and brought my knees up.

The woman crossed the room and knelt next to me, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me into a hug. I almost jumped back. I mean, yeah, girls are okay. But I really just don't like them touching me. And this woman? She's older. Like Ms. Howard older. And that's scary. That's really scary. Sure, it's just a hug now, but what's next? Yeah, so I may have realized today that I have some girl friends, but that doesn't mean I fully trust all girls. Ms. Howard messed me up. And right now I just want to keep this all inside and not let anyone near me.

But the important thing is I didn't pull away. I let the woman hold me as I cried. I let out all the mixed emotions that this encounter tonight with Oliver had brought back up again. Ms. Howard, my math teacher, all the guys that treated me like I was just some object... When am I going to find a guy who thinks of me as more than just some sex robot? That's _not_ who I am.

I can't believe I slept with those guys the other night. I can't _believe_ I did that. How stupid am I?

_When are you going to love yourself as much as I love you?_

I had been at one of the lowest points in my life when Brayden asked me that. He'd been so angry with me because of all the things I was doing to punish myself. Young and destructive. That's what I used to be. And I still am. Maybe not to the extreme as before, but I still am.

God, what's the point? I'm always coming to these realizations that I need to take better care of myself and not get caught up in the moment and let myself go, but do I ever listen to myself? No. I still do the same old shitty things. I'm never going to learn. I forget all about how hurt I get in the end.

So, right now, I can say I'm not the kind of girl who sleeps around. And I'm not the kind of girl he gets caught up in some guy saying he loves me and promising me the world. And I can say that maybe I don't have control over drugs and what I'm doing to myself. I can say this stuff right now and vow to change it. To change back into who I really am.

But I'll just forget about it. Because at least this way I feel _good_ and _needed_ if only for the few short moments when I climax, or when a guy looks in my eyes and says I'm hot, or how indispensable and funny and sexy I feel after that line of coke. It's a lot better to be feel needed for only a second than to never feel loved and wanted at all. This way I'm not that freak in the hallway who everyone ignores. And I'm not known as the depressed girl who slices up her arms because she's too weak.

_And you're not making any sense_. I leaned my head back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling as the lady started talking about calling a hotline or pressing charges or something like that. Yeah, right. I'd never do that. It's not like he even really _did_ anything to me. He just scared me. He just reminded me.

I stood up and looked out the tall windows near the door. I saw headlights and saw a car slowly pull into and creep up the driveway.

"He's here," I announced dully.

"Okay, sweetie. You promise you'll talk to someone about it?"

I didn't answer. "Thanks so much."

I don't need to talk. I don't need to go and spill my guts to Ms. Sauve or something. I just need to find someone else. Someone that's not like him at all. My stomach twisted into knots and all of a sudden I felt like I could lash out at any second. I needed to feel good right this second.

I opened the car door and slipped into the warm car.

"You okay?" Jimmy asked, looking over at me.

"I will be," I answered softly. I stared into his eyes. Oh yeah, he _wants_ me. He does. I can tell.

"So I'm taking you back to your house?"

"No, you're taking me back to yours," I told him bravely.

He laughed nervously. "I can't do that."

"Please?"

"I have a girlfriend, Ellie."

"God, you're forward. I never said _anything_ about hooking up."

"Oh," he blushed furiously.

I smirked. "But... I won't tell anyone if you want me."

"I don't want you."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"Stop trying to convince yourself of that."

He didn't say anything. Just drove. My head was screaming at me to stop doing this. Why the hell was I acting like some slutbag vixen? And after what just happened? Whatever... if that's what every guy thinks I'm about, then it's what I'll be about. That makes sense, right?

I took my hand and placed it on his knee as he drove. "Ellie," he warned.

I leaned over in my seat and put my mouth close to his ear. "Pull over."

He did. And before I could say anything else we were making out. I crushed his lips with mine furiously. Why the _hell_ couldn't I feel anything? I fumbled with the button on his pants and tried to pull them off.

"Stop!" he pulled away. "No. I can't do this. I love Hazel. We can't do this."

"You don't _want_ me?"

"Not when I have a girlfriend that I'm in love with."

"You love _me_!" I screamed.

**Jimmy**

"Whoa! I never said that. Listen, Ellie... You're a great girl. You're wonderful. But you are _not_ the same girl I was crushing on. You're so different now."

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are. You don't carry your guitar around anymore. And you're not making your little movies like you always used to. I like the Ellie Nash who always had that stupid video camera glued to her hand. _That's_ the Ellie Nash I was crushing on. You were different. You were honest and a little kooky and you didn't need a guy to tell you that you're special."

"Fuck guitar! Fuck that stupid video camera! Who the hell cares about that shit anyway."

"You do," I told her softly.

She didn't say anything else. She just got back in her seat and stared blankly out the window. I turned the car back on and started back towards her house.

"I'm staying at Sean's," she muttered.

I made a mental note of that. The rest of the ride I just thought about how much she changed. She used to be really sweet and she actually _cared_ about things. These days it seems like she doesn't care much about anything. All she cares about these days is getting involved with guys who are no good. Something's up.

I pulled in front of Sean's apartment twenty minutes later. She opened the door furiously and looked back at me. "You better hope I don't tell Hazel."

I wasn't worried. "I know you won't."

"Oh yeah? And how can you be so sure of that?" she glared at me.

I decided to take a stab at it. See if this got to her. "Because I know the old Ellie Nash is still in there somewhere."

"What the hell do you know about the old Ellie Nash, Mr. Big Man on Campus?" she hissed.

"That's not fair. I knew about you. Secretly." I leaned over and looked in her eyes as she stared back at me coldly. "I fell in love with you, didn't I?"

Her eyes softened a little before hardening back up. "You're a real piece of work," she murmured bitterly.

"But I've moved on. And I've got someone really special."

"Hazel."

"Yeah. You and me? We never would have worked. You're too high maintenance."

She gasped and shot daggers at me with her eyes. "Don't ever talk to me again. You're cruel."

I angrily got out of the car and stared at her as she started up the small walk. "Just because I'm popular doesn't give you the right to label me as some Big Man on Campus jerk!"

"I don't label, Jimmy!" she snapped.

"You just did!" I shot back. I threw my hands in the air. "How does it feel to conform, Miss Ellie Nash?"

She slammed the front door shut.

**Okay, so finally a new chapter. Been a little busy lately. So hopefully I'll get back on track now. Okay so Ellie is definitely acting weird- and has a lot of mixed emotions, as you can tell by her last POV when she's at the lady's house- but she's going to be going through some revelations very soon. Maybe even by next chapter. And Jimmy's going to be playing a vital role in this. I always enjoyed the scene in Weird Science where Jimmy asked Ellie out (down on his knee!) and then how he got really upset when Spinner got her number, so I'm kind of playing with that. There's not going to be anything romantic between them, but friendship-yes. **

**Next chapter: Christmas Eve- Ellie takes a look at how different she's been acting; she'll probably have a heart to heart talk with Dan; probably regret telling Paige all that she did; and I'll probably have a flashback about her math teacher. Sean think things are going really well with Nikki, but he's not exactly sure what he feels for her. Ellie feels a little jealousy. Ellie will drag Sean to Mass. And who knows what else. Hope you guys enjoyed the POVs from Emma and Jimmy. I just feel like every girl needs her girl friends. **

**Oh yeah- and I'm pissed because I had a great idea for presents between Sean and Ellie and I totally forget. They were going to be really cute, too. Too bad. I'll try and remember. **

**Reveiws/Suggestions greatly appreciated!**


	50. Milk

**Chapter 50: Milk**

_I am lost_

_So I am cruel_

_But I'd be love and sweetness_

_If I had you_

**Ellie**

I prayed that Sean wouldn't be home as I walked up the stairs. That's all I need. Sean to be waiting up for me, wanting to know all about my night. What would I tell him? My night went great except for the jerk that tried to take advantage of me and the fact that I just really screwed all chances of ever being friends with Jimmy. I put the key into the lock and turned it slowly. Maybe I could just sneak past Sean and lock myself in my room until tomorrow.

The place was dark when I opened the door, though. Sean wasn't there. I searched around for a note but didn't see one. He was probably out with Jay. I tossed my key onto the counter and headed towards my room. All I wanted to do was take a steaming hot shower and go to bed. That sounded so good right now. I'd just forget all about this night.

_How does it feel to conform, Miss Ellie Nash?_

I sniffled as I started to take my clothes off in my room. The whole night had a bigger effect on me than I thought it would. It left my tired and aching and hurt. And confused. Confused beyond all belief. Was Jimmy right? Was I not the same girl I used to be? When did I stop carrying around my guitar and video camera? Was it gradual thing or did it just all of a sudden happen one day?

Who even cares… I don't.

Seriously. I don't.

_Yes, you do._

I shook my head and wrapped a towel around myself as I walked towards the bathroom. Those used to be things that identified me. But do I even know who I am anymore? I don't think I do.

I glanced in the mirror over the sink at my tear-streaked face. This isn't who I am. I'm strong. Right? I've always been the strong one. Sure, I may have always been a little sensitive, but no one knew that. I was always the strong-headed, tough girl who didn't take crap from anybody. Now here I am spilling my deepest darkest secrets to a comatose girl and painting her fingernails and actually _hugging_ Emma. Since when did I become so… fluffy?

I grimaced at my reflection and stepped into the hot shower. Jimmy's right. He's right. I'm so different. Who am I to need a guy to validate my worth? I don't need a guy. I don't need anybody. Just myself. I scrubbed my shampoo into my hair furiously, my face drawn tightly into a frown. Screw everybody else, right?

And screw Jimmy Brooks.

Who the hell does he think he is being so right anyway?

FLASHBACK

"Mr. King is _soooo_ adorable!"

"Look at those muscles!"

I frowned in my seat and rolled my eyes. Some girls could be _so_ annoying.

"What a cute butt! How old is he again? Thirty-four?"

I turned around and my seat and fixed the group of girls behind me with a glare. "He's twenty-six, okay? Now stop giggling like a bunch of morons."

"_Excuse us_ for not being so boring like yourself," Mandy Arnold shot back in a whisper, causing her friends to laugh.

I turned around and rolled my eyes again. I wasn't boring. Was I?

The bell rang, and I jumped up to head to my next class. Thank God Mandy and her friends didn't share my next course with me. Otherwise I'd probably self-combust from all the stupid rays they send out.

"Ms. Nash, could you stay behind please?" Mr. King smiled easily at me and went back to erasing his board.

I stopped in my tracks and took a confident step towards his desk. I'm sure he just wanted to congratulate me on my perfect homework or something. I twirled my red ponytail until he finished. He turned around and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"So…"

"So…" I repeated, crossing my arms.

"I noticed you were a little distracted today in class. Any problems?"

_Just those stupid girls._ "No, not really. I didn't realize I appeared distracted. Sorry."

He laughed softly, showing off his blinding white teeth. "It's okay. I'm young. I still remember what it's like to be young and in a math class of all places."

"Yeah, math isn't my favorite subject."

"Not one of your passions, huh?"

"I guess not."

He smiled at me again and put a finger to his chin. "Well, it's only one of mine."

I nodded and checked my watch. If he kept me any longer I was going to be late for class. "Is there anything else? I'm going to be late."

"I guess not. I'll write you a note just in case. But… come talk to me sometime if you ever want to."

I nodded again, watching as he quickly scribbled out a late slip and handed it to me. He pressed it into my palm and closed his fingers over mine. "I mean it Eleanor."

I stared at his hand. "It's Ellie."

He let go of my hand. "My mistake. Eleanor is such a pretty name, though."

"It sounds like a grandmother's name."

He leaned back and sat on the edge of his desk, folding his arms. "That would make you rather mature then, wouldn't it?"

I opened my mouth to say something, but couldn't think of anything. "Okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Hi, Andy," I put on my sexiest face and leaned coyly against the locker next to his.

"Go away, little girl."

My mysterious smile dropped. Why does he always have to treat me like a little kid? "You sure didn't think I was a little girl in your car that other night."

He smiled and looked over at me quickly. "How many times do I have to tell you that what happened that night meant nothing?"

"Meant nothing?" I repeated. "I gave you my virgi-…"

"Yeah," he looked back at me, a silly grin spread across his face. "And thanks. But, uh, that's what I'm known for. I see what I want and I take it. I don't have my nickname for nothing, right?"

I followed his as he started walking down the hallway. "But I thought that maybe we-…"

"Listen, there is no 'we'. You're just another story to tell. Another girl who had a wild night in my car. You didn't think you were the first in there, right? Did you?"

I squeezed my books to my chest and looked at the ground as I walked. "I don't know what I thought."

"It's okay. You're still young. There's plenty of guys around here who would love to get some. Spread the love. You were good. Probably the best. Does that make you feel better, little girl?"

"I'm not a little girl," I retorted hoarsely. I could feel my throat starting to constrict. Is this how a girl is supposed to be treated?

He peered at me and stared me up and down. "You're not? Damn, you fooled me. Listen, tinkerbell, we'll probably never see each other again after this year, so don't worry about it. You didn't think I loved you and you were special and we'd be together forever, did you?"  
I struggled to say something. "But you drew that picture of me in art and-…"

"It was a picture, not a promise ring. Listen, there are still a hundred girls here who haven't felt what raw sex is all about. Why would I pick you when I could have any one of them? So, run along and play with your little dollies or something. You're bugging me, Rachel."

"Ellie," I corrected, tears stinging my eyes.

"What?"

"My name. It's Ellie."

"Right," he smiled.

I watched as he swaggered down the hall, not even glancing back at me once. He didn't feel guilt or remorse or embarrassment about anything he'd done to me. I ran into the girl's bathroom before bursting into sobs inside of a stall. It's the most humiliating thing- being used by somebody you thought cared about you. And after that day- I vowed never to cry over a boy ever again.

I picked up my math test and looked at the top of the page where my grade should have been. Where was my A? Instead of a grade, there was a screaming red SEE ME at the top. I swallowed hard and slouched down in my desk. Don't tell me I screwed up. Don't tell me that some stupid idiot like Andy had really gotten to me and made me mess up everything I'd worked so hard for.

After class I stayed in my seat until the room was empty except for Mr. King and I. He shut the door behind the last student and turned towards me. I played with my hands underneath my desk.

"Ellie, I wanted you to see me so we could talk."

"What did I mess up? I mean, I thought I really grasped the material. Did I mess up somewhere in my calculations?" I scanned the test and looked for some sign of me doing something wrong.

"You didn't do anything wrong. I just wanted to see you. To talk."

I looked back up and met his pale green eyes. "About what?"  
"You seemed distracted again. You didn't answer any questions today. You usually do. Is something going on?"

"No. Everything's fine," I lied. _Yeah, everything except that I lost it in some creep's car._

"I'm new here this year so I really don't know you're story. The records show that you're number one in your class, though. That's impressive."

"I know," I commented. I sighed and shifted my eyes to look at the door. All I wanted to do was get on with my other classes and go home.

I felt his hand squeeze my shoulder, breaking my thoughts. I turned my eyes up at him and stared him dead-on. His own eyes bore into mine, giving me a weird feeling in my stomach. Why was he keeping me around if there wasn't even a problem?

"You're so different from the other girls, Ellie."

"I know."

"No, I really mean it. There's just something more… mature about you."

My eyes lit up at the mention of the word mature. See? Mr. King thinks I'm mature and sophisticated. Why can't Andy?

"Everyone always acts like I'm some little girl," I confided in him, the corners of my mouth turning down in a frown.

"Well, I won't. I know you're not a little girl." His hand slid down my arm until he reached my hand. He grabbed a hold and lightly caressed my fingers. "You have the hands of an artist."

I let out the breath I had been holding. No one had ever said anything like that to me before. It was all so… romantic. Wait. What am I thinking? _Romantic?_ This is Mr. King. My new math teacher. He's like over a decade older than me. Still… he sure had a way with words.

"I can just imagine you sitting on a hilltop playing the guitar or sketching in a sketchbook as you overlook a prairie…"

Does Canada even have prairies? Normally that kind of thing would sound ridiculous and cheesy coming from any other person, but this was Mr. King- a _man_. Whoa, whoa, whoa… I'm getting way ahead of myself here. I'm not the one who thinks he's some big hunk like all of the other girls. He's just my teacher.

"What else do you do with these hands, Ellie?"

I stared blankly at him. The corner of his mouth lifted up in a sly smile. Wait… was he implying…? I licked my lips nervously and stood up quickly.

"I'm sorry, but I have to ask this. It's weird what's going on between us Ellie… I know it is… I understand that you're nervous, but… I just can't keep myself from having these feelings for you. I don't know what's wrong with me, but you've completely bewitched me."

"What?" I asked lamely.

"You're all I think about. You're so different. You're mature and you appreciate things that other kids your age don't. You're not concerned with childish things. You're sophisticated and…"

I listened with amazement as he went on to describe me. No one has ever said such nice things about me before- and to my face! His fingers brushed my cheek, and I shivered. Maybe Andy didn't want me, but Mr. King did… right? Or was I totally misreading this situation also? I can't tell anymore.

"I have a feeling you've been hurt by a guy before…"

_You betcha_.

"I can't believe anyone would ever hurt you. I would never hurt you. Ellie… I know this is fast and forward but… can I kiss you?"

And without even waiting for my response he bent his head and brushed his lips against my own. I jolted back and pushed his hands away from me. "Wha- what are you doing?" I cried. Sure, he'd been flirting before. But I didn't think he'd actually take it this far. I put my fingers up to my lips and felt them.

"I-I'm sorry. I thought that… I mean… Ellie…"

"I have to go," I stuttered, gathering my things. I didn't stop to listen to him as he called out after me. Instead I rushed out of the room and down the hallway towards the bathroom.

END OF FLASHBACK

I woke up with a start and put a hand to my forehead. Why was I having this dream again? I let out a shaky breath and stepped out of bed. The sun was shining in through the tiny window in the small room, and I could see the snow falling. God, isn't it enough that I suffer for what happened between me and Mr. King every day? Now I have to go and have this dream all over again?

And the dream was so real. It'd almost been like I was seriously back in the sixth grade at Rookwood, secretly meeting my math teacher for an after-school affair. I shoved a hand through my hair and stared at the outside through the window. I guess I hadn't been _that_ freaked when Mr. King kissed me because I'd gone back the next day after school. I went back and kissed him.

And I thought I was so mature back then.

What an idiot I'd been. I should have seen through all of his stupid lies and compliments. How did I not see that it had all been some sick fantasy of his to get involved with jailbait? I hadn't meant anything to him.

A knock sounded at my door and I cleared my throat. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay?" Sean asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"You sounded like you were crying."

Had I been? I put a hand to my face and felt the few remains of tears. Huh. I guess I had been crying. "No, I'm fine. I'll be out in a second."

"Okay." He let it go and retreated away from my door. I backed slowly away from the window and wrapped my arms around myself. What I needed right now was to really talk to someone. I could talk to Sean, but he always gets so worked up over things. I could never tell him about last night because he'd go postal. And Marco would probably be the same way. I didn't really feel like bothering Ashley with my problems. There really was no one else.

I threw myself onto my bed and quickly dialed a number on my cell phone. I played with the string on my Weezer hoodie as I waited for Dan to pick up. He _had_ to pick up. I needed the advice on someone who was older and knew what he was talking about. Dan always gives good advice.

"'Lo?"

"Dan, it's me."

"What's up, Ellie?"

I sighed and closed my eyes briefly. "Problems. That sort of thing. You have time to talk?"

"Of course. What's up?"

"Do you think I've changed?"

"Um… Well… I don't know. Changed how?"

"Just, like, my personality and stuff. Do you think I've done a complete 180? Other people think so."

He thought it over for a second. "I don't think I'm really the person to ask. I mean, there are other people who've known you a lot longer than I have, El. Why, do _you_ feel like you've changed?"

I thought about it. Have I changed? _Have I changed_? In the corner of my mind I knew the answer to the question, but I just didn't want to admit it. "I don't know," I answered. "Why can't you just tell me?"

Dan laughed. "What's all of this about? You having some sort of identity crisis, kid?"

_Kid? Kid!_ "I'm not a _kid_, Dan!" I retorted back.

"Whoa, sorry, El. I didn't mean it like that."

I rolled my eyes and brought my knees up to my chest. "I know. I'm just… touchy today."

"Did something happen?"  
I could tell him about last night. But do I really want to tell anybody? It's kind of embarrassing. "No," I lied. "Just having a bad day, I guess." A bad day, a bad week, a bad month… A bad _life_.

"Your parents, right?"

I frowned and stared at the polish on my toenails. "Yeah," I muttered. "_Them_."

"It'll be fine. They'll be back with lots of presents, right?"

"Right," I repeated. It wasn't the same, though. A little part of me had still hoped that my parents would find a way to get home on time this entire time. But now? Now I've pretty much faced the fact that it'll just be me and Sean. _Sean_…

"Okay, well… I think I'm going to go now," I told Dan.

"Okay, well… seriously, call me if you need to talk again. And, I think you're still pretty cool, Nash."

I smiled. "Thanks, Dan. I think you're pretty cool, too."

**Sean**

I looked up from the car magazine I was reading and stared at Ellie as she came out of her bedroom. Her hair was falling out of its bun and her eyes had dark circles underneath and creases from her pillow were taking over one side of her face, but she still looked beautiful to me.

"It's about time, Sleeping Beauty," I remarked, making a point of staring at the clock.

She stuck her tongue out and curled up on one end of the couch. "Oh, shut up. Is it really that late?"

"Almost noon. I thought you might have died in there."

"Well, thanks for checking on me so soon then…" she replied sarcastically, shoving strands of her out of her eyes.

"What's on the agenda for today, Kris Kringle?" I muttered, half joking.

"Well, we have to bake cookies. And then I thought we could put all of our presents under the tree. We could also go around and take everybody their presents. And then go to Mass. And then tonight we can watch a classic Christmas movie and drink eggnog and hot apple cider."

"Whoa- Mass?" I shot her a you've-got-to-be-kidding-me look. "You're joking, right?"

She stared back at me gravely. "Why would I joke?"

"Because it's stupid. And it's not like anyone's making you go."

"But it's Christmas."

"Yeah, so we should be partying. I'm with you on the eggnog and, hell, even on the cider as long as we put some rum in it. I was thinking Jay and Alex could come over and we could celebrate over some beers."

Seriously. Doesn't my idea sound so much better than hers? Anyway, Ellie will totally go for it. After all, she sure knows how to put 'em down.

But instead of agreeing, her eyes flashed and she stood up. "Party? Beers? Didn't we just do that the other night?"

"Yeah. So?" What was her problem? She was the one who was all about having friends over and drinking.

"So I thought you and I could spend some time together."

"We can."

"Yeah, but I don't want to be drunk."

"Why not?" I joked.

She didn't see it as a joke, though. "Why not? Why not! Because maybe that's not who I am! Maybe I don't have to get piss drunk every night to feel good about myself!" she screamed at me.

I threw down my magazine and balled my fists together. "What the hell's wrong with you? It was an idea. If you don't want to, you don't have to."

"Well, I don't want to. Not tonight."

"Nobody's holding a gun to your head. You make your own decisions, Ellie."

I was getting sick of her whole victim act.

"And I don't drink to feel better about myself. I think you do enough of that for the both of us," I snapped.

She clenched her fists and looked wildly around the room. Her eyes settled on a DVD case and she swiftly picked it up and chucked it at my head.

"Ow! What's wrong with you?"

"Everything!" she yelled, grabbing her coat.

"Where are you going?" I demanded.

"Out," she shot back hotly. "And don't try following me!"

"Wasn't going to," I replied smoothly.

She made an indignant noise and slammed the front door behind her. I stared at the door for awhile before making my way to the small window that looked outside from the living room. I threw open the window and stuck my head out, watching her as she stormed down the sidewalk, still in her pajamas.

"And when you come back, I hope you're the _old_ Ellie Nash!" I shouted out after her.

She flipped me off.

**Ellie**

I threw the front door to my house open and slammed it behind me. It bounced back and I threw my shoulder into it until it slammed shut. There. I tore my coat off and let it fall down onto the floor of the foyer. Who cares about making a mess. I glared at the Christmas tree as I passed by the living room and up the stairs. Stupid tree. I hardly even noticed the mountain of gifts spread around the room. So… my parents did remember it's Christmas. They must have had Carl, my dad's work buddy, drop off the gifts. It's not like he hasn't played St. Nick or the Easter Bunny before.

I really should buy Carl a gift. Maybe I can pick him up a nice painting or something today. That is, if everything isn't closed. I made my way into my room and sat down on the bed, just looking around me. I took in the grey walls, the black furniture set, my red bedding… My paintings and photographs I took covered the walls. As did various posters of my favorite bands. My bookshelves were crammed full of different books. I walked over to the bookcase and knelt down in front of it, glancing at the different titles. I ran my fingers along the spines and smiled. I used to be able to read books at a rapid pace. Nowadays, I was lucky to get through one in two weeks. It seemed like I was always too busy doing _other_ stuff. Stuff that wasn't as important to me.

I turned my attention to my guitar next. It was sitting propped up against the wall by my window. This was my dad's guitar. He gave it to me for my birthday a few years ago, right before he had to leave to go overseas on some rebuilding mission. We had stayed up the entire night, playing songs on it and singing. My mom had complained that I was going to be too tired the next day at school, but she always did it with a smile. She would be working on her latest design project, but whenever I looked up she'd be watching us instead of working.

I turned my back on the guitar. Whatever. Those days don't exist anymore. I stood up and crossed my arms along my waist as I paced around the room, remembering the first time I cut… Why did it seem like so long ago? Was it really that long ago? I stared at the floor hard. I had felt so worthless that day- like nobody needed me. And stifled. I remember feeling stifled. Worthless and stifled. Ugh. Possibly the two worst things in the world to me.

_Worthless._

Nobody understands me.

I don't even understand me.

In a split second I made up my mind. My hand instinctively reached underneath my bed and I pulled out my little box. No. There was no cocaine in it this time. Instead I pulled out my exacto knife and brought it to my arm. Just one little cut. I took the blade and ran it across my arm a little. Really. It was only about an inch long. What the hell, I made another one for good measure.

Just in case.

I threw the knife back in the box and shoved it back under my bed. I kept the sleeve of my sweatshirt up as I continued to explore my room. To explore myself. I turned the light on in my closet and walked in. My fingers slid across the different shirts and pants and skirts and coats I had. I stopped at a little wool button up skirt.

_This is cute_.

I focused on the little drawer stand that held a bunch of my jewelry, arm warmers, and leg warmers. I opened the first drawer and gazed in. I picked up a ring and put it on my finger. I sorted through the rest of the jewelry for awhile before picking up a bracelet. I used to love this bracelet. I slid it on my wrist and admired the way it looked. It really was gorgeous. Where did I get it? Some antique store?

FLASHBACK

"That's a pretty bracelet," a voice commented in my ear.

I turned around and quickly and came face to face with Mr. King. "Oh, hi," I responded, my voice shaking a little.

"Could you come to my office for a second? I want to talk."  
I looked back at my computer and sighed. I saved my article and turned it off. "I guess."

I followed him slowly, regretting every step I took. He had asked me to meet him after class and I had ran out of the room before he could stop me. What did he want now? My hand reached up to my lips, and I remembered how he had kissed me just the day before.

He closed the door behind him and leaned against it. "I wanted to apologize for yesterday. I didn't mean to… to scare you. I just thought…"

"It's okay," I said quickly. The quicker I accepted his apology, the faster I could get out of here.

"No, it's not. I guess I misread all the signs. I thought you wanted me to kiss you."

I stared into his eyes. "You did?"

"Yeah," he blushed a little. "I mean, you _were_ flirting with me."

"I was?" I blinked. Had I been flirting with him?

"It's okay, Ellie. Students get crushes on their teachers sometimes. It's nothing to be ashamed about."

Did I have a crush on him? I looked at his pale green eyes and his muscular arms. He _was_ cute. Every girl at school thought so. And maybe I had been a little flattered that he thought I was so mature. Who wouldn't? Maybe I _did_ have a crush on him.

He took a step towards me and placed a hand on my wrist, on top of my bracelet. "Where did you get this from?"

I licked my lips and stared at his hand. "I-uh- I got it from an antique store."

"Nice. It looks very pretty on you."

"Thanks," I took the compliment shyly.

"Pretty _and_ smart. A deadly combination, huh?" he joked.

I laughed with him. This isn't so bad. I mean, we're not doing anything wrong here are we? He continued to hold my wrist, and I didn't bother pulling back.

"Are you sure?" he whispered to me, looking me dead on in the eyes.

I stared back at him. Why not?

_You're just another story to tell._

_You didn't think I was in love with you, did you?_

_Little girl._

_Tinkerbell._

_Spread the love._

My eyes flashed, thinking about how stupid I had been to ever get caught up with Andy. What was I thinking? And why was I even still thinking about him when I had a gorgeous guy standing right in front of me proclaiming his love for me? A guy who thought I was beautiful and smart and mature. And not just any guy… A _man_.

Without even thinking about the consequences, I threw myself towards Mr. King and crushed my lips against his.

END OF FLASHBACK

I dropped the bracelet as if it were on fire and stomped my foot on top of it. Stupid, stupid bracelet. All it did was remind me of how dumb I used to be. My eyes darkened as I looked around in my closet. Why the hell _would_ I want to be like my old self? My old self got used in the backseat of cars and pushed around by guys and led on my men who didn't even give a shit about her. My old self _sucked_. My eyes landed on my camera bag and I reached for it. I unzipped the bag and pulled out the video camera. Sure, it was a little old-fashioned, but I had bought it myself. And I had made some pretty good movies on this thing. I almost found myself smiling thinking about all the joy this stupid little thing had given me.

FLASHBACK

"Now, don't be shy… tell me truthfully… How devastatingly in love with me are you?" I asked teasingly. I pushed the camera into the face of Brayden, distracting him from his homework.

He shook his black hair out of his eyes and screwed up his face as if he were thinking hard. "Hmm, let me think…"

I turned the camera towards me. "_Now_ he starts to think. This is a rare moment. I should capture this," I sarcastically told the camera. I turned it back to him. "Come on, Bray."

He rolled his eyes and gave me a killer smile. "I could just _die_ from how in love with you I am. Happy?"

"Much. Thank you."

I set the camera down and threw myself on top of him, pushing his books onto the floor.

"Hey!" he protested, wrapping his arms around my waist. "I was _trying_ to study."

I silenced him with a kiss. We wrestled around the bed awhile, kissing and tickling each other- acting like those couples I always roll my eyes at.

"The camera's still on," he murmured to me, in between kisses.

"So?" I giggled. I started taking my shirt off.

"So, I'd rather not have this leak onto the internet. It'd be too Rob Lowe of me."

"Oh, right. You wouldn't want to show him up."

We smiled at each other before I reached over and turned the camera off.

END OF FLASHBACk

In one quick moment I lifted the camera and threw it at the ground as hard as I could.

Fuck this camera.

And fuck being myself.

It's way too painful.

**Okay, so it took longer to get this chapter up than I thought. I probably rewrote this one a million times. But I decided to just go with this. I hope you enjoy it. **

**I didn't get to Christmas yet... so that will be next chapter.**

**Next chapter: Ellie will regret breaking her camera; Sean will see the two new cuts on Ellie's arm; Christmas Mass; Ellie might see Paige; and... I don't know what else. **

**Comments/Suggetions please:) Thanks so much to my loyal readers.**


	51. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

**Chapter 51: Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas**

_Have yourself a merry little Christmas._

_Let your heart be light._

_From now on our troubles_

_will be out of sight._

**Sean**

I tossed my used napkin back in the pizza box and leaned back in my chair, letting out a

long burp. Nothing hits the spot like barbecue chicken pizza. I picked a hot pineapple piece lying in the box and popped it in my mouth before glancing at the clock. It'd been two hours and Ellie still wasn't back. I didn't actually say something to hurt her feelings, did I?

As if on cue, the front door jiggled open and Ellie slowly made her way in, shutting the door softly behind her.

"Hey," I called out to her. Her back was to me still and she only waved her hand slightly in greeting.

"What's up?" I tried again.

She backed away from the door and shrugged. "I'm going to my room."

I narrowed my eyes as she started to walk quickly towards the small hallway. Even as she rushed, I could still her puffy eyes. Puffy. As if she'd been crying.

"Hold it. What's wrong?" I jumped over the couch and blocked her entrance.

"Don't!" she tried to push me aside but I grabbed onto her arms and stopped her. She struggled for awhile before giving up and staring me straight in the eye. Even with red eyes from crying, she still looked at me with all the attitude in the world. Defiant. That's Ellie. "What do you want, Sean?"

She sounded tired and worn out. "You look upset about something. What?"

"It's seriously nothing."

"It's never nothing with you. Come on. You can tell me."

"Just drop it, Cameron. I'm fine."

"Uh-huh. I really believe you." I released her arms and stepped back. "But if you don't want to tell me..."

I used my bored voice and tried to sound disinterested. I didn't know whether it worked or not, but it always seemed to in the movies. The girl doesn't want any help until the offer doesn't stand anymore. I slowly sauntered out of her way back into the living room.

"Sean?"

A smile crept across my face but I erased it before I turned around. I raised my eyebrows at her.

She looked at me from the doorway, not meeting my eyes.

"Actually... I do kind of need someone to talk to." She finally looked up at me and I saw the unshed tears glistening in her eyes. I immediately forgot about my stupid tricks and the game I had been watching on TV and the enticing smell of the pizza.

"Okay," I stepped forward and held out a hand. She took it in between hers and squeezed it. A jolt went through me, and I quickly took my hand away, resting it, instead, on her back and ushering her into the bedroom. We sat on the bed, and I made sure to put distance between us. Last time Ellie and I sat on a bed together... well...

_Nikki. Remember Nikki._ Yeah, that's it. Slowly I pictured Nikki's blonde hair and blue eyes. Cute.

"Sean?"

I glanced up and stared into Ellie's deep hazel eyes. _Striking_.

Nikki may be cute and all... but Ellie? Ellie's striking.

"Hmm?" I forced myself to stop staring into her eyes like some dork. "Okay, tell me what happened."

She fidgeted with her rings and brushed a stray strand of hair off of her face. "I did something horrible."

My eyebrows furrowed, and I scooted a little closer. "What?"

She laughed shortly and shrugged. "What have I done lately that isn't horrible? Here I am preaching to everybody about how they should be themselves and not compromise who they are and look at me. I don't even know who I am anymore. I used to be so interested in so many different things and now it's like all I can think about it partying and having a boyfriend. It's embarrassing."

I nodded and opened my mouth to say something but she didn't give me the chance.

"I let guys treat me like shit. And then I mess it all up with the people that matter most. Like... when's the last time I called Ash to go shopping? Or how about the last time Marco and I went to the matinee at that theatre down on Market Square? And you! When's the last time I got on your case about your homework?"

I groaned. "Um, it was two days ago. You said I really need to start studying for my classes even if it's break. I remember."

She waved her hand in the air as if it was nothing. "Still. This may sound really stupid, but I feel like I'm losing myself."

It did sound a little stupid to me. Ellie's the most self-assured person I know. Well, maybe besides Emma. "Don't be stupid, El. You're not losing yourself."

Her face crumpled. "I broke my camera," she wailed.

I stood in shock as I watched her cry in front of me. I didn't know whether to hug her or try and make her laugh or what. "Camera?"

She sniffled and wiped at her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. "My video camera. I broke it. On purpose. Today."

"Wow... um... I guess that's not good?" I didn't really know what to say.

"Way to be, Sean. You don't understand what that camera meant to me. I used to carry it everywhere."

"You did?" I didn't really recall ever seeing her tote around a video camera. But, that's not the sort of thing I'd notice.

"And then Marco started dating Dylan, and I started dating you, and I guess my camera just got left behind." She gave me an accusatory look.

"Oh no. Hey, don't you blame me," I warned her.

Her shoulders relaxed and she bit down on her lip. "I'm not. Sorry. It's my fault. I guess I just sort of forgot what was important to me." She laughed a little and looked back up at me. "I don't even think you know the real me. I don't think you know me at all."

I was shocked by what she was saying. We dated for how long and she thinks I don't know the real her? I _know_ the real her. At least the things that really matter. She's acting as if every thing we ever did, every moment we shared, was just a sham.

"Don't say that. I know you."

"Oh really?" she challenged. "Name one thing you know about me. _Really_ know. And not something like my middle name is Brynn or something dumb like that."

I looked at her square in the eye and answered without hesitation. "You're a good person. I know that. That's all that really matters."

She gave me a watery smile and looked shyly at her hands.

"I could go on."

"No, that was good enough."

"Bullshit. You're the smartest girl I know. And you would help anybody. Even your worst enemy. You're creative. You actually care about stuff. Issues. And I know you were the only one to really understand me when everybody else was too busy blaming me for everything that goes wrong. I know that."

A tear slid down her cheek and she wiped it away quickly. "Wow..." she cleared her throat. "Thanks."

I pulled her in for a hug and held onto her for awhile. She tightened her arms around me and buried her face into my neck. I let out a sigh and closed my eyes, letting myself go to how right this felt. With that thought, I pulled away quickly and cleared my throat. "Erm... well..."

"Sean?"

"Yeah?"

"Breaking my camera wasn't the only bad thing I did..." She fixed me with a serious stare. I gulped. Why did she have to sound so solemn? But at least she wasn't crying anymore. Still... she was scary calm.

"What'd you do?"

"I, uh, came on to Jimmy."

"Jimmy _Brooks_? Are you _serious_?" I couldn't believe it. Ellie Nash and Jimmy Brooks? When did that ever make sense? And then I did something terrible. I laughed. I'm sorry, but the whole idea of it is just too funny.

"_What_?" Ellie snapped. "What's so funny?"

"I'm sorry," I gasped in between chuckles. "It's just that I could never imagine Jimmy and... you!"

She crossed her arms and leaned back against the pillows on her bed, raising an eyebrow. "Sean, this isn't funny. I came on to Jimmy and he has a _girlfriend_. A girlfriend who I don't really mind. This goes against every moral I've ever had."

"Oh, come on, Ellie. It's not like you and Jimmy hooked up or anything."

She was silent.

"Did you?"

She shook her head. "No, I mean... almost, but no. We didn't."

I felt a pain go through my stomach. The idea of Ellie kissing Jimmy... or really anybody else for that matter... made me physically sick. All of a sudden an image of them in his car, her body pressed against his, tore through my mind. No way. There's just no way.

"I don't know why I did it. I mean, I guess I just needed to feel... wanted or something."

"I can't believe you and Jimmy..." I muttered angrily.

Her face scrunched up again. "I'm really ashamed of it so please don't drive it in, Sean."

"Why not? You always do it to me!" I burst out.

"I'm not asking you to judge me. I'm just asking you to listen. Why is it so hard for you just to listen to me?"

"We can't do this. I can't fight with you now."

"I just feel like you don't hear what I'm saying. I don't think anybody does."

I heard the tone of her voice. She sounded lost. And I know what she used to do when she felt that way. I put my hand over hers and brought it into my lap. "Listen," I started softly. "I'm always here to listen to you, okay? You're not invisible to me. So I don't want you to feel like you have to go and do this again." I held tightly to her wrist as I pushed the sleeve of her sweater up. "You don't ever have to cut again. You have me."

She couldn't even meet my eyes. She shook her head shortly and turned her head to look off to the other side of the room. I noticed the look on her face. The one that said she wasn't feeling anything at the moment.

And then I saw it.

I stared at the two red marks on my arm, right in the middle of the inside of her elbow and wrist. Two red cuts. Perfectly parallel to one another. I just stared at them. I didn't know what else to do.

So I just sat there and stared for a long time. Ten minutes passed and I licked my lips before saying anything. "I thought you stopped doing this."

She didn't say anything.

"You _promised_ me you'd stop!" I bellowed into her face.

She flinched a little but still didn't meet my eyes.

"Look at me, god dammit!"

"What do you want me to say?"

My shoulders sagged. "I don't know."

"It helps me."

"No, it doesn't. God, what next, Ellie? Why is always the same thing after the other with you? You always have a problem and somebody else always has to fix it! I tried fixing you. Obviously, it didn't work."

"I'm not broken! There's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine!"

"Then why are you cutting? What does it help?"

"That's not fair, Sean."

"You want everything to think you're perfect, but you're not. There's something going on with you, and you won't even tell anybody!"

"Just please try and understand that this is hard for me."

I looked at her and shrugged. "You used to be so strong and tough and now it's like you're falling apart. And I don't know what to do."

"You don't have to do anything. I don't need your help. I don't need anyone's help."

"I think you do."

She turned around and stared at a picture that she kept on the small bedside table. It was a picture of her and her parents. "Have you ever bottled up something inside of you- emotions, past mistakes, guilt, whatever- for years? You try and suppress it and it actually works until one day it just starts leaking through and you don't know how to put it back in?"

I sat back down on the bed next to put and put a hand on her shoulder. "Come here," I whispered, pulling her against me. She collapsed into me, her shoulders heaving, but she didn't cry. She wouldn't let herself cry again.

I think she really does want to let me in. Something's getting to her and she wants to tell me, but she doesn't know how because she's kept it inside for so long. I can't really force it out of her so I know I'll just have to wait until she's ready. But I know as soon as we leave this bedroom she'll go back to pretending like everything is fine and nothing just happened between us. She act as if she never broke down to me. She'll pretend she never cut. She'll deny she ever broke her camera. She'll believe that cutting herself is actually helping her. She'll believe that crying is just a sign of weakness. And she'll believe that she has everything in control. And that's what scares me the most: the denial.

**Ellie**

I put the finishing touches on my makeup and stepped away from the small bathroom mirror. Sean and I were getting ready to go to Midnight Mass- his first time. I checked my appearance and made sure that I didn't look deranged or devastated after my little breakdown this morning.

"Stupid girl," I scolded myself quietly. That had been possibly the dumbest thing I've ever done before. Now Sean was going to be watching me constantly- waiting for my next mental breakdown so he can send me away. "Whatever," I muttered. What's the point of hiding it anymore? He already knows I'm messed up. He's seen the cuts. He knows about the drugs. He knows almost everything. So why pretend anymore?

A cold feeling washed over me at the thought of not hiding it anymore. Of being sad when I wanted to be sad and angry when I wanted to be angry. Of not always having to pretend like I have it together. Of actually being irresponsible and not doing my homework or something. Could I seriously go that far?

I'm just so tired of always having to fake it. I never used to. So why now?

It must have something to do with the fact that I can't forget about what happened to me in the past. I can't forget about Ms. Howard and Mr. King. I _can't_. And I could never forget about Brayden. I tried to forget about all of them. And I was able to control it for awhile. But I can't anymore.

FLASHBACK

"Where were you?"

I turned around at my locker and fixed Brayden with a glare. "What?"

"Dude, wifleball. You missed the last two games."

"I had to help out Mr. King. Anyway, wifleball is for babies," I snapped, slamming my locker shut and adjusting the bag on my shoulder. I gave him one last look before turning on my heel and walking down the hallway.

"Oh, but math isn't for babies! Math is for grown-up, mature women like Ellie Nash. Right?"

I stopped when I heard the tone in his voice. I turned back around and started back towards him. "What's that supposed to mean?" I asked in a low voice.

"Nothing," he smiled. "Just I'm sure Mr. King would be lonely if you weren't there to help him grade worksheets or whatever it is you do in there."

"He's tutoring me."

"Yeah, Ellie Nash needs tutoring. Do you think I'm stupid?"

"You don't want me to answer that," I replied.

"So what are you doing in there? Besides your 'tutoring'?"

"Nothing. That's it," I insisted.

"Sure. You know it's wrong for a teacher to have a relationship with a student, don't you?"

My mouth fell open and I quickly closed it. "Who said anything about a relationship? Leave me alone."

Brayden followed me as I made my way towards the stairs. "He's taking advantage of you. He's not supposed to be doing what he's doing, you know."

"Shut up!" I shouted in the empty hallway. "You don't even know what you're talking about!"

"He's a bastard."

"He _cares_ about me!" I shot back, my eyes burning. This was so embarrassing. Why did I have to defend what I had with Mr. King?

I felt Brayden grab a hold of shoulder and press me against the wall. "_I_ care about you. He doesn't. He's making you give up everything you've ever cared about. You're different."

I stared up at him, my eyes unblinking. He told me he cared about me. I ignored the pounding of my heart and the weak feeling I was getting in my knees from being so obscenely close to him. Instead I put on my bitchiest look and knocked his hand off of me. "Don't touch me!"

"But it's okay for him."

I tried to laugh the whole thing off, but I wasn't convincing. Brayden was really scaring me. He knew about me and Mr. King. And he's the kind of jerk that would go and tell someone. Brayden always does the right thing. That's kind of rare these days.

"Why are you even doing this? He's just using you. He's a sick pervert who belongs in jail. If you go back to him tomorrow, you'll never see him again."

I glared at him out of the corner of my eye. "Oh, and why's that?"

"Because I'll fucking kill him," Brayden muttered.

"Listen, we don't even like each other, so don't talk to me. And you better not tell anybody or I'll forgive you."

I gave him one last pointed look before leaving him behind, staring after me.

END OF FLASHBACK

Two weeks later Mr. King left Rookwood for "personal reasons". I didn't know what to think. Did someone find out? Did he leave on his own? Was it all just a coincidence? I had confronted Brayden about the whole situation. I asked him whether he told on me or not. He wouldn't answer. I'm still not exactly sure what happened. I mean, if he had really told someone, wouldn't a bigger deal been made out of it?

Even though I'm not sure whether or not Brayden told someone what was going on, I still like to think maybe he did. I mean, after all, I didn't exactly know what I was doing. And I sure as hell didn't know how to get out of the whole Mr. King situation. And to think that Brayden cared about me that much... it brings a smile to my face.

"Ellie? Is this fine?"

I turned around and looked at Sean. He looked miserable standing in front of me in his khakis and a dark red button up. He pulled on the collar of his shirt and shifted from one foot to the other.

"You look great, Sean." I pulled on his collar and adjusted the tie he had put around his neck. I small smile played at my lips as I studied the tie. It had little dogs on it. "Who got you the tie?"

He narrowed his eyebrows and stepped back. "It's the only one I could find."

"I like it," I commented. "So, you ready to go to your first Mass?"

He shot me a death look and messed with his hair. "I'm only doing this just because you had a bad day. And I'm such a _nice_ guy."

"You? Nice? Nah," I joked. I tousled his hair and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "See? I'm already feeling better."

He gave me a look of unbelief and spritzed a little cologne on. "Sure, I really believe you..."

I didn't respond. Why bother? Instead I wrapped my arms around his neck and stood up on my tip toes to rest my chin on his shoulder. "So, who's the cologne for?" I asked his reflection.

He smirked back at me. "You, of course."

I smiled and squeezed him before letting go. "Okay, we should really get going."

"Do we have to?" he whined.

"Stop whining. It's not attractive." I grabbed my coat. Sean rolled his eyes and helped me put my coat on. His hands lingered a little longer on my shoulders and he squeezed them affectionately.

"Are you sure you're okay to go?" he asked me.

I let out a little sigh and pasted a bright smile on my face. "I'm fine. Let's just hurry and get there."

"Ellie..." he warned.

I let my guard down and faced him. "Fine. I'm still a little upset, but going to Mass could help me. I really need this."

And it was true. Going to Mass could give me the quiet time I need to just reflect on what's been going on with myself. And then tomorrow Sean and I can wake up early and unwrap our gifts, and everything can just be _normal_.

* * *

"Let's sit here," I whispered to Sean as we entered the church a little late. The opening song had already begun, but at least we made it, right? Sean awkwardly climbed into the pew and took a seat. I tugged on his arm until he stood up. "This book has all the songs in it," I explained to him.

He grunted something and held the book in his hands as if it were on fire. I rolled my eyes and took the book from him, opening to the right page, and sticking it between us so he could also see the words. I joined the rest of the church in singing O Come All Ye Faithful as Sean investigated the scene.

"I love your voice," he whispered into my ear. I blushed and nudged him away.

"Have you ever made out in here?" was his next question. My mouth fell slack and I looked at him with shock. The older woman in front of us turned around and gave us a disapproving look as Sean started to laugh.

"You are so embarrassing!"I whispered back to him, suppressing a smile. Leave it to Sean to think about making out at a time like this. In a _place_ like this.

"Just wondering," he explained, a smirk spreading on his face.

"No," I answered, giggling a little.

We sat down and started to listen to the Priest. I showed Sean the Miselette so he could follow along with what was being said. He grudgingly took it from me and scanned his eyes over it every once in awhile. As Father Charlie was in the middle of his sermon, I felt Sean slip his arm across the back of the pew and rest on my shoulders. My head jerked and I stared at him. He looked back at me, a small smile playing on his lips. I couldn't stop myself from smiling back. He could always do that to me- make me smile even when I didn't want to. I have to admit, I think that's one of the biggest qualities I look for in a person. I have a pretty serious outlook on life, so I need someone else to loosen me up and let me have fun.

Sean does that.

But so does Marco and Ashley and Alex...

I shook my head slightly and tried to, instead, focus on what the Priest was saying. I listened as he, as predicted, talked about the birth of Christ and what it means. And then he delved into a whole different category...

Have things ever happened to you that are so coincidental that you swear someone must be watching, almost like The Truman Show? That's what it was like tonight for me. This whole time I've been blaming myself for every wrong thing that ever happened in my life. And I've been punishing myself. And I've tried to bury every bad thing that's ever happened to me. And it just gets harder and harder as the years go by because I find myself wanting to forget and get on with my life, but as soon as I feel happy, I immediately feel guilt. How can I be happy with everything I've done?

And I know I shouldn't blame myself entirely. But I'm the only one here right now, so I only have myself to blame. And it's tearing me up inside. It's making me do outrageous things and forgetting who I really am. It's making me feel worthless. But Father Charlie is talking about how we need to forgive not only others but ourselves right now. And it's really hitting me. There's so many horrible things that go on in the world but what about the good things? Nobody ever thinks about the good things. The same with ourselves. We always look at the bad in ourselves. But what about the good?

So I made some mistakes. So I was naive and too trusting and allowed myself to be taken advantage of. And so what if I went about getting attention the wrong way? Why does everyone always focus on the wrong things I do? Like with that _stupid_ superlative list. I know, I know... it's lame and unimportant and just some stupid thing kids do. But it really brought back a lot of stuff. I mean, being called the biggest slut in the class only made me think back to the times when that was _true_. It's embarrassing. I don't want people looking at me and thinking only that.

Oh God... and how I've gone about fixing that the wrong way. Instead of being pure and chaste and innocent, I've gone around drunkenly throwing myself on groups of guys. I've been going through boyfriends like Spinner goes through hairnets. How stupid can I get?

But I have to forgive myself. I just have to. Otherwise, I don't think I'll ever be happy again. So from now on I can't think back to Ms. Howard or Mr. King or Andy or anything else like that. From now on, I only look back at the tutoring program I set up at my old school or the fact that I gave a group of underprivileged kids a Christmas they'll never forget. From now on, I focus on things I love. I focus on the yearbook and the newspaper and getting Mr. Raditch to approve a video yearbook for next year. I focus on rebuilding friendships instead of pseudo-relationships with boys who couldn't care less about me.

"What are you smiling about?" Sean whispered in my ear, tickling me with his breath.

I shivered a little and turned my head to him. "Just... I don't know..." I responded.

His smile widened and he shook his head. "You're so secretive, Ellie Nash."

"I'm mysterious."

"You're annoying."

I punched him playfully and scooted a little closer to him, folding my arms across my chest. Maybe this won't turn out to be such a bad Christmas after all. Even though I won't be sharing it with my parents, I will be sharing it with someone I love. And I'm already getting a head start on my New Year's resolution. Christmas just really might turn out this year.

FLASHBACK

"Sit right there!" I laughed, pushing Brayden down on the couch.

"Well, hurry up!" he urged, holding his hands out for his gift.

"I'll be right back!" I rushed out of the room and up the stairs to my bedroom. I quickly retrieved his gift and ran back down the stairs. "Close your eyes!" I called out.

I peeked my head into the living room and glared at him playfully when I caught him peeking. "No peeking! Now close them!"

"Fine, fine, fine," he went along. He closed his eyes with a big smile on his face and held out his hands again.

I eagerly placed the squirming German Shepherd puppy into his arms and jumped back. "Open them!"

He opened his eyes and laughed when he saw the puppy. He picked the dog up and held it against his chest. He looked up at me and stared me in the eyes. "I love you. Seriously, I'd squeal like a little girl right now if it wouldn't be so embarrassing. How'd you know?"

I crouched down in front of him and scratched the puppy behind the ears. "How did I know? Are you kidding me? We've been going to the pet store every week for the past... how many months?"

"Four," he answered. "Four months. So, where'd you get him?"

"My father's partner Carl's dog had puppies. It's a full-blood German Shepherd. I knew you wanted one."

"He could be a mutt, I'd still love him. Isn't that right, boy?" Brayden ruffled the puppies head and laughed when it put it's paws on his chest and tried to lick his face.

"Isn't he adorable?" I asked. "He's so tiny. I thought we could go out and get him toys and stuff tomorrow. I thought you'd want to help pick stuff out."

"Of course. Just don't make me get him some kind of pink, puffy shirt that says Princess or something..."

"Whatever," I snorted. "This pup is a _man_. So, what are you going to name him?"

"Hmm," Brayden mulled it over, giving it deep thought. "It has to be a strong name. Something that means something to me. Maybe..."

"Yeah?" I took on a seat on the couch next to him and he placed his arm around me, the puppy resting itself in the middle of us.

"I think I'll call him Atticus Jem..."

"...After two of our favorite literature characters," I finished for him. I quickly kissed him on the cheek and rested my head on his shoulder. "It's perfect."

"You're perfect," he kissed my head.

END OF FLASHBACK

I gulped and scooted further away from Sean in the pew. I can forgive myself for some things. Or I can _try_ and forgive myself, at least. But Brayden is just one thing I don't think I could ever relieve myself of. I hurt him. And now I'm hurting him again by being this close to Sean and... It's just not right. I would never do anything to dishonor his memory.

There are just some things you just can't forgive and forget.

**Sean**

"That was... weird," I offered as we walked home.

"You loved it. Don't deny it, Sean..." Ellie teased me.

I gave her a "yeah right" look and squeezed her closer to me. She pulled away slightly and walked a little faster. I rolled my eyes at her odd behavior but hurried to catch up with her. "What's with you?"

She shrugged and smiled at me. "Nothing."

"You're acting like Jekyll and Hyde."

"Oh, really? And how's that?" she challenged.

I shook my head in amusement and stuffed my hands in my pockets. "Just the way you were acting earlier today is a lot different than now."

"Well, I've gotten over things in the past few hours."

_That's a relief_. I didn't say it out loud. I knew it would just start some kind of little fight between us. And right now I just want to savor her acting like a normal human being. "So, what do we do now?"

"Well, we can go home and watch a Christmas movie before going to bed."

"So, you actually go to bed even though there's a whole tree of gifts waiting for you?"

"I know. It's hard, isn't it? Look at you. You're all excited now about Christmas."

"Only because I'm spending it with you," I replied with mock sweetness.

"Oh, shut up."

We goofed off the rest of the way home- pushing each other and throwing snowballs. I can't help but look at Ellie and think that maybe she really is going to go back to how she used to be. She's certainly acting better. But is it all an act? I know Ellie and she likes to hide what she's really feeling. But I also know that she often betrays her real feelings through her eyes, and, well, she actually looks _happy_ right now.

The night went fast as we sat on the couch and watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story- two movies that Ellie said her classics during the holidays and I'd never seen. I have to admit- watching the movies got me a little more excited for what was to come. I'll never admit it to her, but Ellie's right. This stupid holiday isn't so bad. It's actually been kind of fun to go out and find little gifts for her and my other friends. Too bad I had to have such a tight budget, but Ellie said it'd be even more special since I didn't have too much money to spend on her. I didn't tell her that I'd been doing little odd jobs for Mr. Simpson and Mr. Ehl and other teachers to earn a little extra money to spend on her. I know she'd just make a big deal about how I didn't have to do that. But I did have to. Because it's her.

* * *

"_Sean, it's perfect!" Ellie breathed as she opened my gift to her._

_She batted her eyelashes slowly as she glanced up at me and gave me a slow smile. "How'd you know what to get me?"_

_I reached over and took her hands in mine. "I _know_ you, Ellie. You don't think I do. But I do."_

"_I love it. Thank you so much."_

_I sat back, proud of myself for my creative thinking. Suddenly Ellie looked at me again and started to lean forward. I found myself moving towards her. We stared into each other's eyes for a moment before beginning to close the space in between us. _

"_Sean," she whispered, her eyelids getting heavy..._

"Sean! Sean!"

I groaned and rolled over to bury my face into my pillow. She continued to shake me until finally I gave up and opened my eyes. "What?" I grumbled.

"Santa came!" she joked, her eyes shining.

I let out a little laugh as she sat on the bed and started to tickle me, trying to get me up. "Stop it. I'm up, I'm up."

"Good. Come on, let's go open gifts."

"What time is it?" I asked sleepily.

"Seven!"

"You're crazy, woman..." I whispered, stretching my arms up over my head. I remembered my dream and brightened up. What if that dream came true this morning? Woah. Did I even _want_ it to come true?

Uh oh.

I looked down discreetly.

Hmm. Signs are pointing to: yes. I did want it to come true. I cleared my throat and adjusted the blankets over me.

"I'll be in there in a second."

Ellie stood up and crossed her arms. "Come now."

I laughed nervously and shook my head. "In a second. Promise."

She rolled her eyes and gave up. "Fine. I'll be waiting. Don't take long. I'm getting anxious."

As soon as she left the room, I jumped up and closed the door behind her. Now, I just had to deal with this little problem. And fast. Before she comes back.

I yawned and walked out into the living room, the smell of coffee hitting me. Ellie had put on some Christmas music and was playing it softly. I could see snow falling outside through the small window and smiled. It's funny how simple things like celebrating Christmas can make you look at the world in a totally different way. At least that's how it's been for me.

I took a seat next to Ellie on the floor and looked over the modest pile of presents. A lot of them were to me from Ellie, which didn't surprise me.

"I couldn't help myself," she explained when I gave her a pointed look.

"I told you not to do this."

"I'm sorry."

"You're making me look bad," I complained, half kidding, half not.

"Sean, whatever you give me- I'll love. It's the thought, not the gift. Anyway, most of these gifts are from Santa, not me."

"Uh-huh," I scoffed.

She batted her eyes and handed me a present. "Open it anyway?"

"Sure, why not." I took the rectangular-shaped present from her hand and felt it in my hands. "Pretty heavy. Hard. Hmm."

I tore off the wrapping paper and investigated the book she had given me. Dude. A book. I'm really not one for reading. But this book's different. It's a book all about cars and motorcycles and all that mechanic stuff. I flipped through it and took a look at the pictures that were included. "Oh, man. Ellie... look at this Corvette!" I showed her the picture to admire.

"Now _that_ is a car."

"Man, what I would do to have one. I will have one some day."

"Yes, you will."

"There isn't a set of keys in any of these boxes, is there?" I joked.

She slapped me on the arm and laughed. "I thought about it. But I decided that'd be a little overboard. After all, you dumped me," she teased.

I rolled my eyes and took another look through the book. "Thanks. This is one book I'll read."

"What a relief. Okay, open another one!" She shoved another present in my arms, and I ripped it open. Tickets to a rap concert that Jay and I had been wanting to see. One by one I opened each of the gifts Ellie gave me. Each one seemed to be better than the first. I laughed when she gave me a coupon book that had a bunch of different coupons for things I've never done before like: going to an amusement park, or flying a kite, or, something I'm definitely not looking forward to, seeing a ballet.

"Now each time the opportunity comes you can use one of these coupons to do that activity! So when it's nicer we can go to an amusement park together or fly a kite or-..."

I raised an eyebrow, "Fly a kite? What made you think I'd ever want to do that?"

"Every kid should fly a kite!" she argued. "And I watched Mary Poppins the day I made these," she admitted.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Well, maybe I'll use it. Only so I can see what the big deal is."

She laughed and pulled her legs underneath her. "One time my mom and I made this kite when I was little. It was in the shape of a dragon- I was on a big Puff the Magic Dragon kick- and you wouldn't believe how elaborate this thing was. We have pictures of it. My mom spent hours working on this damn thing. We finally finished it and went outside to fly it and, after about twenty minutes, we lost it. I was devastated. So was my mom."

I chuckled. "It's hard to imagine your mom doing anything like that."

Ellie waved her hand in the air. "She used to do stuff like that all the time. Things change, though, when we get older."

I smiled and rubbed my hands together. "Okay, well, it's time for _your_ present now."

"Wait!" Ellie held up a finger. "I have one more."

"El!"

She blushed slightly. "I know, but... okay, don't get mad, but... I got this just on a whim really and you don't have to accept it if you don't want to. I won't get upset if you don't want it."

I narrowed my eyes. "I don't like the sound of this."

"It really was just on a whim. I didn't really think about it or anything. Just got a crazy idea."

She handed me a small, thin wrapped gift. I held it in my hands for awhile. It was really light and felt like an envelope.

"Be careful when you open it."

"More concert tickets?" I asked hopefully.

"Not even close," she answered dryly.

I carefully peeled away the wrapping paper to reveal, as I guessed, an envelope. Slowly I tore open the envelope and pulled two tickets out. "I thought you said they weren't-..."

"They're not. Look at them."

I looked at her for a minute before glancing down at the tickets. They were train tickets.

To Wasaga Beach.

I didn't even know what to say. Except...

"Why?" I spit out angrily.

"I told you I just got them on a-..."

"A whim. Yeah, I know. And that's a lie. This was thought out Ellie. You went to the train station and bought them. _Why_?"

"I know you have a bad relationship with your parents, but I just thought that-..."

"No!" I burst out. "You _didn't_ think. If you thought about it you'd have realized that this is a horrible present. I don't wanna see my parents."

"God, Sean! I told you you didn't have to take them. Just give them back."

"I just don't understand how you'd get the idea in your head that I'd even want to visit them."

"We're not that different, Sean. We both have a shitty family life."

"No, _I _have a shitty family life. You? You have it made. You act like your parents don't give a shit about you but they give you whatever you want. My parents can even pay for me to go to school! They don't even know if I'm alive!"

"Your parents care about you."

"Stop acting like you know everything! You don't. Just butt out. And take your stupid tickets." I flung the tickets back at her.

She picked them up and put them back in the envelope. Her eyes flashed. "I'm sorry I made assumptions about your parents, but don't make them about mine either."

"Your parents are going to come home and shower you with gifts from California and China or wherever they are. I haven't heard from my parents in months."

"I'm not saying my parents are the worst parents out there. Because they're not. I'm just saying it's not so easy being a Nash, okay? I bought these tickets for you because I thought you'd maybe just want to try and work things out. _I'm_ trying to work out things with my parents, and I thought you could, too. I thought we could do this together. But now I'll just take these back and get a refund."

"Good, because I don't give a damn about my parents."

She snorted. "Well, obviously you do or else you wouldn't have made such a big deal about it."

I didn't bother responding. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair after a moment of silence. "Okay, fine. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I should have just told you thanks but no thanks. So there. Thanks, but no thanks. Now can I just give you my gift?"

Her features relaxed and she shrugged. "Of course!"

I smiled and pushed the big wrapped box towards Ellie. She grinned and ran her fingers over it. "What is it?"

"Open it!"

"Nice wrapping job," she commented sarcastically at my pathetic excuse for a wrapping job.

"Watch it," I warned.

She gave me one last grin before clawing at the wrapping paper with her nails. A few seconds later the big brown box was unwrapped and waiting to be open. She ripped the flaps open and folded them down on the sides. "Sean!" she laughed as she pulled out a pile of individually wrapped gifts.

"Jay gave me the idea. He thought it'd be clever."

"Well, you can tell him it worked. Hmm, I wonder what _this_ is," she mused as she held up the wrapped mixed CD I gave her.

"Hey, stop making fun of my obvious gifts."

"Sorry. I couldn't help it, though."

"I put a lot of thought into these gifts."

She looked up at me with surprise. "Did you really?"

I lifted a corner of my mouth in a half-smile. "Of course, I did."

She smiled sweetly and lowered her eyelids a little.

"Ellie Nash are you blushing a little?"

"No!"

"Why are you blushing?"

"I'm _not_ blushing."

I scooted a little closer to her, suddenly remembering my dream. I noticed that she also moved a little more my way. She opened the CD gift first and laughed when she saw the mix of songs I'd put on it.

"Remember when we were in Jay's car and we got lost and this song was on?" I asked, pointing to Champagne Supernova.

"Yes!" she hummed a little of it and looked over the rest of the track list. "Our first dance..."

"If you could call it that. I think we were both a little drunk."

"We were definitely liquored up."

"Remember the first time we-..."

"Oh God. Yes. I do. I can't believe you put that on here."

"Why not? It's a classic."

"Well... now it is."

We laughed and she put the CD down. "Thanks, Sean. That was really sweet."

"There's more. This one now." I handed her another gift.

"_The Chronicles of Narnia_!" she gasped. "You really have been listening to me!"

"Of course I have. You go around spewing quotes from the damn books."

"Geez. Testy. I didn't know it bothered you that much."

I smirked and handed her another gift. "It drives me crazy. But if you didn't do it I'd miss it. Here, open this one now."

"Oh. My. God. How did you know?"

"You were talking that one day about your old teacher who read this to you at the end of class each day."

"Third grade. I've always said that if I ever became a teacher I'd also read it. I don't care if my students are eight or eighteen. _Wayside School_ is hilarious. I'll have to read it to you sometime."

"Uh, _sure_. Okay, next."

She took the next gift and shook it up to her ear. "Hmm... could this be another book? Do I sense a _theme_ here?"

"Okay, okay... I went a little crazy with the books. But you like to read."

"Yes, I do. And I love them. And I'm sure I'll love... _The Velveteen Rabbit._ _The Velveteen Rabbit!_ Sean, I adore you!"

I laughed as she lunged at me and kissed me on the cheek. "It's just a book. Chill."

"You give the most perfect gifts, I swear. This was like my favorite- I just- I love this book so much. And my older version just kind of fell apart. I'm pretty sure I don't have it anymore. It's really funny- I was just thinking about this the other day."

"Really?"

"Yeah. How'd you know to get it for me?"

"It was actually your dad. He said that you used to make him read it to you every night before bed when you were little."

"When was this?"

"That one time we all went out for dinner. We were all waiting for you and he was talking about how much you've grown up or something. And he mentioned it. I was just looking around the bookstore looking for something for you, and I remembered it. I thought it'd be.. Cute..."

"Sean Cameron just used the word cute. How... cute."

"Don't push it. You have two more gifts."

"And I wonder what they are!"

I threw one of the last gifts at her. "You're really ruining this for me. Here, open your damn book."

"Hmm... It better not be some lame book like - Oh."

She stared at the book in front of her as I waited for her reaction. She didn't look pissed or happy or much of anything. She just looked at it. Finally she looked up and met my eyes. "Thank you. You really have no idea how much this means to me."

"It's not big deal, Ellie. It's just a book."

"No, seriously. It brings back a lot of memories. Good memories."

I had no idea that _To Kill a Mockingbird_ would have such an effect on her. But it did. She thumbed through the pages, reading little passages, saying a few lines out loud.

"I've never read it. I've never read any of those books," I admitted.

"You never read _To Kill a Mockingbird_?" She looked beyond shocked.

"Nope."

"I thought all schools made you read it. You should definitely read it, Sean. It's said to be one of the best books ever."

"Nah. It's more your thing."

"No, really, I think you should. I can read to you," she joked.

"Wouldn't I feel mature- having you read to me and shit."

She appeared to be thinking about something for awhile. "You know," she spoke up. "I gave Brayden a puppy for Christmas once. God, my mom about killed me because I kept it in the house until I could give it to him. She was really strict about keeping the house clean so he had to stay in my room. Anyway... I gave it to him and he named it Atticus Jem. You know why?"

I was surprised. Ellie has never offered any information about her and Brayden's relationship before. I've always had to get it out of her somehow. It's weird to have her tell me stories about him. It just makes him more that real, I guess. And it's kind of scary. To know that someone got to her first and made that much of an impression on her. Sometimes I feel like I'm competing with him. Or I _used_ to feel that way. You know, back when we were together...

And I hate to think of her actually going through something like his death.

"No. Why?"

"Because two of the characters in this book are Atticus and Jem Finch. Father and son. They were two of our favorite literary characters. That probably sounds really stupid to you but we always used to talk about stuff like that. Favorite characters, least favorite characters, and why... I guess we were like our own little book discussion group or something... Stupid, really..."

"No, it's not stupid. Don't say it is because I know you don't really think that. It's okay to think about things you used to do with him. It's good."

"Yeah... It's funny. I was just thinking about it last night, and today you give me this."

"Yeah," I cleared my throat. The whole conversation was quickly veering towards a really deep spot. "So, you should open your last gift. And I promise it's not a book."

"Good, because I'm going to be reading for awhile with all these. And so will you."

I rolled my eyes and handed her the small box. "There you go."

"_Merci_."

She took her time opening the last gift, saying how she wanted to savor it. I held my breath as she opened it. This present was something I'd really been saving up for. I had seen it one day and knew that I had to get it for her.

"Jewelry?" she asked quizzically.

"I don't know," I responded mysteriously.

She rolled her eyes and popped the jewelry case lid up. Inside was a thin silver chain laying on the black velvet. Attached to the chain was a small silver rose. What was so special about the necklace, though- and what really made me think of Ellie- was that the rose was made of amber.

Ellie's eyebrows shot up and her mouth fell open. "Oh, Sean..." she breathed. She couldn't take her eyes off of the necklace. I reached over and took it out for her.

"Here, let's try it on."

We stood up and I clasped the delicate necklace behind her neck. The necklace lay perfectly against the top of her breastbone. She fingered the small rose and tilted her head to look up at me. "It is so beautiful. I love it. No one would ever expect me to wear it."

"I thought of you right when I saw it. I think it's the amber mostly. Did you know that amber is said to be the most beautiful and perfect color and stone in the world?"

"Yes. That's why I love it so much. Did the jeweler tell you that?"

I shrugged, "Yeah, he did. But so are you."

"So am I, what?"

"Beautiful and perfect."

"Sean..."

I shrugged again. "Don't say anything. Just take it for what it is."

She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around my neck, staring up at me. "Thank you so much. I can definitely tell you put a lot of thought into this."

"Same goes for you." I decided to just forget about the whole Wasaga Beach thing. It never happened.

I slid my hands around her waist and pulled her closer. Ellie's eyes slowly closed and she started to lean forward. I held my breath. This is it. My dream is actually coming true. I held her tighter against me and also leaned forward, feeling my eyelids droop. Just as I thought I'd be meeting her lips with mine, all I could feel was air. I opened my eyes. Ellie didn't want to kiss me. She just wanted to give me a hug.

_Man, you have a girlfriend. And Ellie is your ex. _

Yeah, I was just missing Nikki. That's it. I didn't _really_ want Ellie to kiss me. She's just the next closest thing to Nikki.

That has to be it. It just has to.

**So this was an extra long chapter since I'm such a lazy person. But things have been hectic with going back to school and work and everything. Comments/suggestions please! I love getting reviews from all of you! They're very encouraging.**

**Next chapter: Sean/Ellie; Ellie/Sean/Mr.Nash/Mrs.Nash; and I'll probably throw in some Ellie/Marco/Ashley stuff. I don't know what else. OH! Probably some Paige/Ellie. Sean and Nikki have been on the rocks for awhile now and they're going to patch things up. Sean will probably think about the whole Wasaga Beach ticket thing again. Maybe he'll talk it over with Jay and Jay will give his wise opinion on it. And I'm trying to think of some big project Ellie can work on that would be Ellie-esque. But my mind is drawing a blank as of now. **

**Maybe she'll run her own nightclub even though she's still in high school and call it Tric or whatever... kidding. definitely kidding. **


	52. I'll Be Home For Christmas

**Chapter 52: I'll Be Home For Christmas**

_I'll be home for Christmas_

_You can count on me_

**Sean**

"So... how many presents you think you have?" I tried to start a conversation with the quiet girl next to me. The entire way to her house she had barely said two words. I guess the whole her parents not being here thing is really affecting her more than she tries to let on.

She blinked a looked my way. "What?"

"How many presents you think you have?" I repeated.

"Oh," she shrugged. "Probably a hundred." As if it were nothing. I watched in amazement as the bored expression never left her face, even when she a hundred presents to look forward to. Me? I'm hungry. Ellie has turned me into a present-hungry addict. Just opening up the presents she gave me has turned me into a Christmas junkie. I can't wait for next year. Now, I'm not saying I go for the whole peace on earth, goodwill to men, happy birthday Jesus stuff, but... the presents are okay.

"You feeling okay?" I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and hugged her sideways.

"I'm fine," she didn't even look up. I shrugged, but didn't take my arm away. The rest of the way to her house we just walked in silence, my arm around her.

When we finally reached the driveway that led up to her house, she froze. "I don't want to go," she blurted out.

"What?"

"I don't want to go home. There's not point. Let's just turn around."

I grabbed her by the shoulders and bent over so I was looking in her eyes. "I just walked my ass off in the freezing now. I'm cold. I'm wet. I'm thirsty. We're going."

"But-..."

"No buts. We're going to go in there, open your presents, and leave. Got it?"

She rolled her eyes in true Ellie-fashion and started walking again. "Since when did you become so pushy?"

"Since I started hanging out with you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh nothing. You're just the Queen of Pushiness. Always offering unwanted advice and..."

"Okay, okay. Enough with the brutality." She gave me a sideways look before crossing her arms and looking back at her house. We slowly inched forward through the light snow and up the stairs to her front porch. I watched as she fumbled too long for her keys and slowly turned the lock.

I breathed in the smell of pine as soon as I entered the foyer. Christmas decorations covered the house. Antique nativity scenes were spread out on the hallway tables and in the living room. Yep, this place had been Elliefied.

"So stupid, huh?" Ellie snorted, picking up a stuffed bear in a Santa suit and tossing it carelessly on the ground. I picked it up and put it back.

"Do you have issues today or something?"

"Yeah," she answered, turning to look at me as she walked backwards into the living room. "It's called: my parents suck."

"All parents suck," I replied. It's true. They do. They have you, and then just abandon you when times get rough. They don't ask you what _you_ want.

"I would have argued with that statement before, but right now I totally agree."

I smiled and collapsed onto the sofa. "Someone's growing some balls."

"Someone's growing _up_. This is so stupid. This?" She helped up a small wooden figuring of Santa. "Stupid. And this?" A stuffed reindeer. "Dumb."

I watched as she picked up random objects and dropped them on the ground at her feet. I laughed at the first few objects- the Santa and the reindeer were definitely cheesy- but then she started picking up picture frames with pictures of her with her dad and mom. I know how much family used to mean to Ellie, so I was a little surprised to see her pick up pictures of her family and throw them on the ground.

"And this?" A picture of her and both her parents taken at the Christmas party at the day care center. "_Incredibly _stupid."

"Woah, what happened to Mother Christmas?" I took the picture from her before she broke it.

She rolled her eyes and looked around the room. "Nothing, she grew up. Santa isn't real, peace on earth isn't going to happen, and everything about Christmas is just bullshit."

I shrugged. "You seemed pretty into it before."

"Yeah, well, things change."

"Meanings your parents decided not to come home."

"Whatever. If they were here, they would just be fighting anyway..."

I sat on the ottoman and leaned forward, elbows on knees. "I haven't asked about them lately. About the divorce."

"What's there to ask? They're still going through it, but it's not final. I wish they'd just get it over with so I could stop believing that there's hope."

"Maybe there is still hope?"

She laughed drily. "You sound _so_ convincing..."

I laughed and ran a hand through my hair. "I don't know a lot about parents. They don't interest me."

"Yeah... I don't give a shit about mine either. Not anymore..."

She sat down on the ottoman next to me, facing the opposite direction. Our elbows touched, and I felt the familiar burn go through my skin. I kept my eyes forward instead of looking at her. Still, I could feel every move she made. I felt her cross and uncross her legs. I felt her tug on her skirt and run a hand through her hair before placing it down on mine. I quickly turned my face and looked at her.

She looked back at me. "Merry Christmas, Sean."

"Merry Christmas-"

"Merry Christmas, ElleBelle!"

"Daddy!" Ellie shrieked and jumped up, leaving me alone. I turned around and stared as she ran to her dad and threw her arms around his neck, kissing him on the cheek. He laughed and rubbed circles on her back as her mom came in through the door carrying a small suitcase.

"Merry Christmas, Eleanor."

"Merry Christmas, Mom."

The scene was all too "It's A Wonderful Life" for me. I hovered in the living room as they finished their greetings. Ellie's parents explained how they decided it was much more important to be here for Christmas than working. All the talk of "parents suck" and "Christmas blows" was vanished from the air and the mind of everyone but me. It made me sick to my stomach how easy it was for Ellie to forgive her mom and dad. All they had to do was greet her, and she was instantly the happiest little girl on earth.

It must be nice to be that naive.

**Ellie**

I walked into the living room and looked at Sean and my dad. Sean had fallen asleep

spread out on the couch as my dad watched "It's A Wonderful Life" on the television. I crept across the room to the couch and pinched Sean's toes. He didn't even budge.

"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty," I sang.

Still no budge. I shook his shoulder. "Sean. Sean, wake up."

He moaned and swatted my hand away before turning over. I sighed and jumped up on the couch, sitting on his side.

"Ugh," he groaned. "Was that necessary?"

I laughed and ticked him in the stomach. "Yes, dinner's ready."

"Really?" He sat up quickly, knocking me off the sofa in the process. "Sorry."

"I'm sure," I smirked. I stood up and held out my hands. He grabbed them, and I helped pull him up.

"I'm freaking starving," he mumbled as we headed into the kitchen.

"I bet."

"Hey, I'm a growing boy!"

"Growing is right, tubby," I teased, pushing a finger into his tight stomach.

"Am I really getting fat?" he whined in a high falsetto.

Dinner proved to be rather interesting. My parents ignored each other as they asked me how school was going and what my friends have been up to. I didn't realize my parents even knew I had friends. They've never asked about them before. I picked at my food while watching Sean cram his into his mouth. I must say, I have never seen anybody eat as much food as that boy can.

"Hungry?" I arched an eyebrow.

"Fucki- I mean, yeah..."

My mom tapped her fork against her plate and rolled her eyes at his "vulgar" mouth. My dad barely blinked an eye. I sighed and rested my chin on my hand, pushing my plate of food to the side.

"Aren't _you_ hungry?" Sean pointed out.

"No," I bluntly replied giving him a look.

My parents didn't say a word. Jesus. For once can't I just have a normal family dinner without any tension? I can't tell which is better- cold silence or screaming. I guess there really isn't a lesser of the two evils.

"Mom, Dad- will you be going to the Kellerman's Christmas party tomorrow?"

Ever since I was little my mom and dad had always gone to David Kellerman's Christmas party. It was a routine social event that nobody in their social circle missed.

My dad stared at my mom as she stared back. "It depends," he replied.

"On what?"

"Yeah, on what?" Mom repeated.

"I think you know Elisabeth."

"Oh, so I'm not allowed to go to David's anymore now?"

"I never said you couldn't go."

"But if I go you won't. And David was your friend first. I see how it is."

"How it is Elisabeth is that I can't relax in the same room with you right now. Maybe if you would have been a better example for my daughter-..."

"She's my daughter, too, dammit."

"Then why don't you start acting like her mother?"

"Maybe if _you_ were around once in awhile instead of going on your fake little peace missions then-..."

"Fake? You call me fighting in the Middle East _fake_! You know what your problem is? You've always had everything handed to you."

"Oh, _please_... This argument again? Face it, you're jealous that I had it _so_ easy. It's not my fault."

"It's not about _that_."

"Then what is it about, Christian?" My mom tugged on her pearls anxiously. "Are you tired of your family? Are you having a mid-life crisis? Have you found somebody else? Did you fall out of love with me, or did you even love me to begin with?"

My dad wiped his mouth with his napkin and threw it on the table, pushing his chair back and standing up in the process. "It was a lovely dinner, Ellie, but I can't stand being around this much longer. Thank you, Elisabeth, for showing me, once again, your ugly side."

I looked at Sean but he couldn't even look back at me. How embarrassing. Seriously, how _embarrassing_. Did they really have to resort to fighting in front of Sean? Did they have to resort to fighting at all? And here I was thinking that as soon as I saw them this morning that it would be a good day. I should have known better.

I stood up abruptly. "And thank you Mom and Dad for ruining my Christmas."

I left the room, my fists clenching and unclenching. I heard my parents start to fight again and a chair scrape back. Soon, I heard Sean's footsteps as he followed me.

"Hey," he put a hand on my shoulder. "You wanna get out of here?"

I turned around and hugged him tightly.

* * *

"Thanks," I took the mug of hot chocolate from Sean's hands and let it warm my hands up. "God, I can't believe they had to go and pull that."

"It's pretty routine for them these days."

"Yeah, but... you were there. It's Christmas. Why did they have to go and ruin everything? God, it's _your_ first Christmas."

"It was still fun up to that part."

"Yeah, well... I never want to see them again."

"That's how I feel about my parents."

I blushed and took a sip to hide my flushed cheeks.

"And that wasn't supposed to be a dig at you for your earlier present."

"Sorry..." I apologized sheepishly. "I didn't mean to-..."

"Ellie, stop. I know. It's okay."

"I wish I could just go back and fix everything, you know? I wish I could have made my mom stop drinking somehow. I wish I could have convinced my dad to come back."

"He was in a war, Ellie. He didn't really have much of a choice. And it's not your job to make your mom quit drinking. She had to do it on her own."

"But I should have been enough, you know?"

"I'm not following..."

I rested my head sideways against the back of the couch and looked up at Sean. "It's just... A child should be enough for a parent to change their life. If my mom really loved me she would have stopped drinking when she saw how much it hurt me. And my dad should have found a way to come back because he knew how sad I get when he's not around. And I should be enough reason for my parents to stay together."

"Do you really want them back together after today?"

"Yes."

"Isn't that a little selfish for you to want them to be unhappy just to make you happy?"

"They're happy together, Sean."

"They didn't seem happy to me."

"You don't know my parents."

"I think I've figured them out by now."

"Listen, my parents aren't bad people. They're just-..."

"I love how you say how much you can't stand your parents, but you're the first person to defend them when I say something bad about them. You really need to make up your mind."

I lowered my eyes and played with a loose thread on the pillow in my lap. I looked up. "Fine," I snapped, my eyes flashing. "I'm finished with them."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive."

The phone rang, and Sean reached over to answer it. "'Lo?... Oh, hey. What's up?... Yeah... Sure... See you then... Love you, too..."

I turned my head away and stared out the window.

Sean hung up the phone and look back at me. "So... That was Nikki..."

"I thought so."

"I guess we're going to Marco's Christmas party tomorrow."

"It should be fun."

"Yeah..."

"Yeah..."

"So, you'll be there, right?"

I smiled. "Of course. Marco's my best friend."

"Oh, yeah, right. Well, good."

Sean swallowed hard and looked away for a second. "So, do you just wanna watch a movie or something?"

I thought about the offer. It's not like there was anything else I had to do. Or anything else I wanted to do more.

**So... I haven't updated in a LONG time. I've been so busy and hit a rough patch in the story. And this chapter was pretty uneventful. But reviews, critiques, suggestions are always welcome. Next chapter: Marco's Christmas party. Ellie and Paige will talk. Sean and Nikki will have a good time. And Ellie will watch as her father finally moves out all of his things from the house.**

**Thanks for sticking with me!**


	53. Fix You

**I changed Marco's party to a New Year's party because it makes mores sense.**

**Chapter 53: Fix You**

_When you try your best, but you don't succeed  
When you get what you want, but not what you need  
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep  
Stuck in reverse  
And the tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you can't replace…_

… _And I will try to fix you_

**Ashley**

I set the plastic cups down on the table and turned around to survey the scene. Keg in the corner, multiple bottles of liquor on the table, and Ellie's laptop hooked up to the sound system. Marco quickly placed some finishing touches on the decorations- including hanging up his own silver disco ball. I laughed as Craig did a few disco moves under the ball before heading over towards me.

"Hey," he greeted, pulling me into a kiss.

"Break it up, lovebirds!"

I squealed when I heard Paige's voice. "Paige!" I cried out, wrapping my arms around her in a hug. "I'm so glad you're here!"

She laughed and held me out at arm's length. "Did you think something as little as a car accident could stop _me_?"  
Tears formed in my eyes, and I hugged her again. "Well, I was scared anyway."

"I'm _fine_. So, where is everybody hiding?"

"Everybody?" I snorted. "Everybody's here. Look around!"

Paige flipped her hair behind her shoulder and looked around the room. "Well, I see Marco, Jimmy, Spinner, Hazel, Emma and them, Jay and- ew! What are Jay and Alex _doing_ here?"

"They're with Sean."

"Where's Sean?"

"Him and Ellie went to go get some firewood. Marco's insisting on having a fire."

"Oh, so Ellie's here?"

"Um, _yeah_. She _is_ Marco's best friend." I narrowed my eyes as Paige looked away outside a window. "Why?"

"No reason," she answered quickly. A little _too_ quickly. And when Paige answers too quickly it can only mean she's hiding something.

"Are you sure?" I pressed.

"I'm sure, Ashley," she giggled. "God, don't look so serious. I just wanted to know where the little freak was."

"_Paige_…"

"The little freak is right here."

Paige's eyebrows shot up and she turned around slowly to meet Ellie's scathing glare. "Oh, uh, hello." She waggled her fingers nervously.

"Hi," Ellie replied, a saccharine smile on her face.

"Well," Paige looked around at me, Craig, and Ellie. "Ta!" And she was off.

Ellie watched as she ran off to join Hazel, Jimmy, and Spinner on the other side of the room. "Looks like somebody's feeling better."

"Yeah, she sure recovered fast," Craig mused.

I watched as a series of emotions flashed across Ellie's face. She cleared her throat and crossed her arms. "Whatever. So, you guys having fun?"  
I leaned back against Craig's chest and shrugged. "Yeah, it's nice to see everybody. It seems like a long time since we've all been together. Getting along."

"Yeah, well, we'll see how long the getting along part lasts," Ellie remarked.

"Why, you planning on starting something?" Craig joked.

Ellie glanced over her shoulder at Paige. "Let's just say that if someone starts something with me, I'm going to finish it."

"Can't you two just get along for once?" I begged. Seriously, I can't remember a time that we've all been able to hang out without those two getting into some argument. And their arguments are always over the _dumbest_ things. I think they both like the sound of their voice way too much. It's hard to always be in the middle of them.

Ellie rolled her eyes and grabbed her drink. "I'm going to go find Marco."

Craig squeezed his arms around my waist and kissed the top of my head. "They're just way too different. You gotta deal with it. They'll never be friends."

**Paige**

"So my parents said we'll probably take a little trip to the mountains to go skiing or maybe even to Hawaii if I want. I think I'd rather go to Hawaii. I mean, I can go to the mountains and ski anytime, right?" I giggled and looked at my friends for their opinions.

Hazel nodded, "Definitely Hawaii. Sand, ocean, hot boys in swim trunks…"

"Hey!" Spinner put a protective arm around me and squeezed me towards him. "This girl's taken, remember?"  
"Aw, honeybee!" I kissed him on the lips and pinched his cheek.

"You guys are making me sick…" Jimmy teased, nuzzling his face in Hazel's hair. Hazel beamed up at him.

I laughed and took a sip of my beer, glancing over the top of the cup at the crowd of people that had formed. Ashley and Craig were looking through the music play list; Jay and Alex were making out and dancing in a corner; Towerz and some of Jay's other loser friends were all playing a drinking game; Ellie and Marco were watching the game and having a conversation… I let my eyes rest on Ellie for a second.

Did she worry about me? Was she happy when she found out I came out of the coma? Did she ever cry for me? Why did she paint my nails? There are so many answers I want from her, but I don't even know how to ask the questions.

"Earth to Paige?" Hazel waved a hand in front of my face, and I snapped back to attention.

"What?"

"You were staring off into space."

"Oh, yeah… Yeah, I think I'm going to go, um, pee. I'll be right back."

I slowly made my way past the card table, catching a brief snippett of Ellie and Marco's conversation.

"- seemed pretty happy. I mean, maybe they'll make it?"

"They could, Els. It's a possibility."

Hmm. _Who_ might make it? I strained my ears to hear more as I walked out of the living room, but they were talking too quietly. I sighed and wrapped my arms around me as I made my way up the stairs. I know I told Hazel and them that I was going to the bathroom, but I really just wanted to get out of that room. For some reason, the air in the room had given suffocating me, and I no longer felt comfortable in there. I quietly opened the door to Marco's bedroom and snuck in, escaping to my quiet place while the party continued downstairs. I walked around the room, taking in the essence of Marco, and observing all the things that made him so unique.

I ran my hand over his soccer and drama trophies before reaching his framed photos. I smiled at photo of him, me, and Spinner taken at the lake one day. We had all packed a picnic lunch and had spent the entire day playing volleyball and cooking out. It had been the perfect day. My eyes moved from the photo to one of Marco and Ellie. For so long I had wondered what the hell he saw in her. She was always so weird and closed off. And Marco's so open and friendly.

But now I guess I can see that they both light up the room in their own different ways.

"Ahem?"

I spun around quickly and stared at the person who had just interrupted my alone time. Ellie Nash. "What are _you_ doing here?" I accused.

"Um, putting Nikki's coat in here," she snapped. I watched as she threw Nikki's long coat onto Marco's bed where all the other coats had been placed. I took in her trousers and form fitting turtleneck. Both black. Her red hair was pulled back loosely.

"What's your problem?"

I shook my head. "What?"

"You're staring. And you're in my way."

"Well, _excuse me_…" I snorted, stepping out of the way of the door. I crossed my arms and stared down at my shoes as she stood there. Suddenly I- _I_, Paige Michaelchuck, queen of Degrassi fashion- felt out of place in my bright turquoise sweater and short miniskirt. Since when do I feel out of place and uncomfortable? Being in a coma must have really messed with my mind.

Ellie stopped in the doorway and turned slightly towards me. "Are you feeling better?"

I looked up surprised. "Yeah, I am."

"That's good."  
She was about to leave for good this time, but I couldn't let her go without getting my answers. "Why did you visit me?" I blurted out. My voice sounded foreign in the room that had suddenly become all too quiet and all too cold.

She couldn't look at me. Instead she just stared straight ahead. "I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

Finally her eyes met mine. She looked uncertain. "I don't know. I just _did_."

"You talked to me."

"I did?" Her eyes seemed to beg me not to say anything else. That if I remembered something she had told me to just never bring it up again. To just forget about it.

Tough, Nash. I don't just forget things. "Yeah, you wanna explain the things you said?"

There. That gives her notion that I know more than I really do. After all, I only remember a few snippets of conversation.

She sighed and turned her body towards me. "Listen, Paige, stop with the pretenses, okay? You've never given a shit about me before so why all of a sudden have you become so goddamn interested?"

"That's not true. I helped you when you were cutting!"

"You turned me in."

"You _thanked_ me. That means you appreciated what I did. You can't take that back."

"Whatever. I don't have time for this. Whatever happened in the hospital, it doesn't matter now."

"Why's that?"

"Because you're better now. Don't pretend like you want to be my friend, okay?"

"Ew. I never said _anything_ about being your friend."

"Exactly."

We looked at each other for a second. In that second, however, a lot was communicated. She's right. We'll never be friends. I don't want to be her friend. She doesn't want to be my friend. I don't really know what this interest I have in her is, but it's not a need for her friendship or companionship. It's more like a need to… to fix her or something.

Ellie looked at her watch. "Well, I should get back down there. Marco might need some help with something."

My shoulders sagged with disappointment. I had been hoping that somehow I could get her to talk to me again. "I'm a good listener when I'm conscious, too, you know."

"What's that mean?"

"You talked to me when I was in a coma. You told me things. That's not fair. I can't remember everything you said but I know it must have been important. So why can't we talk now?"

"I told you things _because_ you couldn't hear and couldn't respond and wouldn't remember."

"You wouldn't have visited me if you didn't care about me. Even if it's only in the tiniest way possible."

She didn't say anything.

"So…" I continued. "Thanks."

She nodded slightly and left the room. I took a moment to compose myself before heading back down to the party. So we'll never be friends. That's pretty much a given. But I like to think that we have this sort of unspoken agreement that if we're ever in trouble, we'll be there for each other. I gazed at her as I retreated down the stairs. I just wish I could remember the things she had told me, the secrets she had shared with _me_.

She must have felt my eyes on her because she instinctively turned her head towards me. We stared at each other for a second before I raised my glass slightly.

She raised her glass of wine right back at me.

And that was our toast.

**Sean**

"You know who's back up in this motherfucker!" Jay screamed at the top of his lungs raising the joint above his head.

I laughed and turned to Nikki, who was right by my side. She smiled back at me and shook her head in amusement. "Give me that," she grabbed the joint from Jay's hand and took a quick hit off it. "Who's next?"

"My parents' furniture better not smell in the morning," Marco complained as he passed by, a tray of appetizers in his hand.

"Whoa! Bring those back here!" I grabbed a handful of the baked potato things Marco had probably slaved over all afternoon.

"Relax, del Rossi…" Nikki smirked and shoved the joint under his nose. "Take a hit."

"I think I'll pass," he blanched and started to walk away.

"NO WAY!" Nikki squealed and grabbed the collar of his shirt. "Do it!"

All of a sudden everyone in the corner was chanting "do it" as Marco contemplated his options. I leaned against the wall warily, taking a drink of my beer. The party was definitely getting started by this point. Jay had made a few phone calls and even more people had showed up- including the Montreal crew.

Marco took a short hit and handed back to Jay. "There, happy?"

Everybody laughed and went back to passing around in their circle. I went back to observing the crowd. Ashley and Craig were _still_ hooking up in the corner. Hazel, Paige, Manny, and Emma were all dancing to the music. Spinner was bonging a beer with Jimmy and Ellie was… Ellie was…

I narrowed my eyes and looked for her. Oh. There she is. She was standing on the complete opposite side of the room from everybody else. I burped and looked at my cup. Well, it looks like I could use a refill. And since Ellie _is_ sitting by the keg…

"What's up?" I asked as I refilled my cup.

She looked up slowly, a few strands of hair falling into her eyes. "Not much."

"Having a good time."

"Yep."

"Looks like it." I gestured towards the four empty champagne bottles in front of her.

"Oh, I only drank three."

"Oh, okay," I laughed. "That makes it better." I pulled a chair over to the little table she was occupying.

"You think I should talk to him?"

"To who?" I questioned.

She put a palm to her forehead and sighed. "Jimmy," she mumbled.

I glanced over at Jimmy, who didn't seem to really be affected by the fact that he and Ellie were in the same room as each other.

"Maybe you should wait until you're sober?" I offered. I burped again and leaned back in my seat.

"Gross, Sean. I don't know. I might talk to him."

"Well, I know you'll just do what you want to do anyway."

"So should I talk to him?"

"Ellie…"

"Because I feel like I should… But what do I say?"

"The truth."

"I don't even know what the truth is," she frowned.

I placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "Then you should wait."

"I think I'm going to do it." She struggled to get out of her chair a little bit. I stood up quickly and held her as she stumbled a little.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fiiiine," she drawled.

I laughed and wrapped a hand around her upper arm. "How about I help you?"

"Will you?" she looked at me with big hazel eyes.

"Sure." I glanced back over at Nikki, but she was talking to Towerz. She wouldn't miss me if I helped out Ellie for a second.

"Are you drunk?" Ellie asked me.

"Nope. Getting there, though."

"You hide it well," she commented.

I laughed and ruffled her hair. "Unlike you. Come on, just a few more steps."

"Jimmy," Ellie cried out in a strangled voice. _Loud_.

Oh God. If she hadn't intended to make a big scene, she sure had now. Jimmy looked at her warily, as well as did the rest of the group around him.

"I wanted to say- I wanted to say I'm-…" she yelled, scrambling out of my arms towards him.

I held her back and put a hand over her mouth. "Dude, could you just come over here?" I asked Jimmy.

He glanced at his friends and shrugged. "What's up?" He asked me.

"Ellie wants to talk to you."

"Oh."

"Jimmy, I just want to say that- that I'm _sorry_ for the other night. I didn't mean to be like that. I'm not usually like that. I was- I was- I was I don't know."

"Whatever."

She looked back at him. "That's it? Just… whatever?"

"Yeah. It's in the past."

"But- but aren't you going to apologize?"  
"For what exactly?"

"For saying _horrible_ things to me?" Ellie wiped at her face and fidgeted with the bracelets on her wrist. "You said I was-…"

"I remember what I said. And I don't think there's anything I need to apologize for."

I rolled my eyes. "Will you just apologize to her?"

"Why don't you stay out of this. You don't even know what's going on."

"Actually I do. She told me. And you hurt her. So maybe you need to be a man and say you're sorry."

Jimmy looked back and forth between me and Ellie. He sighed and leaned forward towards Ellie, taking one of her hands in his. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. It wasn't right."

"Do you think _horribly_ of me?" My red-head slurred.

Jimmy laughed at the sour look on her face. "No, I could never think 'horribly' of you. Okay?"

"Okay," she breathed, falling into me a little bit.

"So… anything else?"

"No. Bye."

He shook his head, amused, as Ellie's head crashed into my chest, and I caught her before she fell. "Someone needs to go pass out for a little bit." I carried her over to an empty couch and laid her out on it. "I'll wake you when the ball drops."

* * *

"So did I ever thank you for the wonderful sketchbook and pencils?" Nikki wrapped her arms around my waist, and I turned around.

I pretended to think about it. "No, I don't think you did," I teased. She kissed me, and I pulled her closer.

"Did you know we'd last this long?" she asked me, her eyes drooping a little in her drunken stupor.

"Nah," I responded truthfully. "You?"

"Nope," she laughed. We kissed again, longer this time. I pushed her up against a wall and let my hands slide down to her waist. She responded by grinding her hips against me.

"Break it up! Break it up!" Jay stepped in between us and tore us apart. "The hookup police has arrived."

"Man, what the hell are you spouting off?"

"Poetry, sucka."

Nikki let out a peal of laughter, and Jay looked around in bewilderment. I chuckled myself at the lost look on his face. He was far from gone.

"Shouldn't you go and pass out somewhere?"

Jay scratched his head and shook it. "Naw, I have to keep Lexi company when the New Year begins."

"Well, it's good to hear that you still know what day it is."

"Hey, you guys, five minutes!" Marco shouted from the doorway to the kitchen.

"Who knew I'd ever hang out with that fag!" Jay shared in amazement.

Nikki let out a snort. "Yay, Marco's so… _typical_. You know?"

I didn't actually know what she meant by that. I don't think Jay did either, but he laughed anyway before heading off to go find "his woman" as he put it.

"So…" I looked back at Nikki. She snapped her attention back to me from whatever it was she had been staring at.

"Yeah?" she shouted as someone decided to turn the music all the way up.

"I should make sure Ellie's up. I promised her."  
"Aw, she can get up herself. Hang with me!"

"It'll only take a second-…"

"_Sean_…" Nikki pouted. I shrugged and wrapped my arms around her, pressing my lips forcefully against hers.

I'm usually not one for holidays, but New Years is pretty cool. I mean, you just hang out with your friends and get drunk and get kissed at Midnight by a hot girl. And the fact that Nikki and I have been able to get over the funk we were in a for the last few weeks just makes this new year that much better. So maybe this can be the start of a good year for me.

**Ellie**

My eyelids fluttered open as someone kept shaking me. "Get up!"

I opened my eyes slowly and focused on Marco's face in front of me.

"Sleeping Beauty, the ball is going to drop in two minutes! Find yourself a hottie and get your midnight kiss!"

"Now I _know_ you're drunk…" I mumbled as I sat up slowly. The room spun around in front of me, and I smiled. I was feeling pretty _good_.

Marco laughed and stood up. "Whatever. Just don't expect me to be your kiss this year. I got my own hottie waiting…" He gave me a thumbs up and jogged back over to Devon, who was saving a place right in front of the TV.

I looked around the room. Suddenly I was made very aware that I was probably the only single person in the entire room. I sighed and stood up, wobbling a little on the stiletto heels of my boots. Well… I wouldn't be single for the rest of the night… I had just spotted a prime date.

I grabbed the full bottle of champagne from the bucket of ice it had been chilling in. Perfect. I licked my lips and stared intensely at the bottle as I tried to open it.

"FIVE… FOUR… THREE… TWO… ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

I looked up to see the ball drop but there were too many people crowding the television. Instantly the room dissolved into twosomes macking on each other, making the already full room even more claustrophobic.

The champagne bubbled over the top and I tried to suck it all up from the bottle. All I ended up doing was make an even bigger mess of myself. I plucked a spare glass off of the table next to me and filled it with the champagne, staring at the small bubbles that filled my glass.

"_FIVE… FOUR… THREE… TWO… ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!"_

_I squealed as Brayden tipped me back and landed a big kiss on my mouth. I responded passionately, wrapping my arms around his neck. _

I took a small sip of my champagne and shook my head. The small sip left a sour taste in my mouth, and I quickly took a big gulp to wash it away. Might as well let the couples have their alone time. I grabbed my bottle and made my way to the sliding door that led to the small patio outside.

_What are you doing out here?_

_Just thinking._

_About?_

_You._

_Me?_

_Yeah. You._

_Care to share?_

_I really care about you._

_He smiled._

I finished my glass and threw it on the ground. I might as well just drink out of the stupid bottle. I tipped the bottle and took a big swig, hoping that I'd get drunk enough that I wouldn't be rethinking these stupid, unimportant moments between me and Brayden.

_What'd you get for number three?_

_37._

_Really?_

_No, I'm making it up._

_Oh, shut up…_

The silly banter we always had with each other.

_What are we watching?_

_You'll see._

_It's _Toy Story_, isn't it?_

_Maybe._

_It is._

_So? _

_We watch this every time._

_It's a good movie._

_I agree, but every time?_

_Hey, be happy I'm even watching a movie with you, Miss-let's-analyze-every-single-moment_.

_Oh, shut up and kiss me._

I went to take another drink, but the bottle was empty. I threw it to the ground and waited for the comforting sound of it shattering. It didn't. I stared up at the sky and shivered in the cold air. Maybe this will be the year I forget about him.

I've said that the past three years.

"Have you seen Nikki?"

I glanced up from my spot on the couch and looked at Sean… or the multiple Sean's I was seeing…

"No," I answered.

"You okay?'

"I'm fine."

"How many of me are you seeing?"

"Five."

He laughed and ran a finger down the side of my face. "You need to stop drinking."

"That's okay." To prove my point I took a drink of my beer.

He took the cup away from me and set it on the coffee table. "No, seriously. Someone should get you home."

"I'm staying here with Marco."

"Good. Have you seen Nikki?"

"You already asked me that."

"Oh. Well…"

I leaned my head against the back of the sofa and looked up at him. He licked his lips and leaned back also. "I guess I'll just wait for her here."

I didn't say anything. I became preoccupied with my belt buckle.

"Ellie?" His voice was throaty.

I looked up.

"Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year," I repeated.

I don't think either one of us leaned in first. It was more of a mutual decision between both of us. We made our way towards each other, intent on touching, to feel _something_.

And I don't know which one of us pulled back first. We both kind of realized that what we were about to do was wrong. That it would just wake up old feelings. We made space between us on the couch and cleared out throats. Sean folded his arms across his chest, and I stared at my hands between my knees. And we just sat like that on the couch for the rest of the night. But every now and then are knees would bump.

**Nikki**

I felt Towerz hands rake through my long hair, tugging at it and making it hurt enough to feel good. I responded hungrily as I smashed my lips against his, pressing myself even closer to him, if that was even possible.

I feel bad that I'm doing this to Sean. I really do. But how am I supposed to resist these feelings I have for his _friend_? What Towerz and I feel is true. Sean and I are just pretending. And soon the whole façade is going to blow up in our face.

I pulled away breathless. "I should get back to Sean…" I admitted sadly.

Towerz gave a nod. He understood.

"We'll do this later?"

He nodded again.

**Ellie**

"Thanks for giving me a ride home."

"No problem," Devon replied, turning the radio down a bit. "It's the least I can do for my little matchmaker."

I smiled and rested my head against the window. "You're happy with Marco, aren't you?"

"Definitely."

"He's happy, too."

Devon glanced at me with a big smile on his face. "You think?"

"Yep. I haven't seen him this happy in a long time."

"Good. I'm glad I make him happy."

"Okay, and turn left here."  
I stared out the window as we made our way up the long driveway. The heat in the car blasted my face, but my forehead was cool from touching the window. Everything looked peaceful outside. The trees were barren, the ground was glistening from the melting snow, and the sky was clear.

"You moving?"

"Huh?" I looked at Devon's profile.

He nodded his head at the front of the car. I followed his action and saw the big moving truck parked in front of my house. _What?_ I noticed the brown leather chair sitting in the driveway, ready to be loaded in. My _dad's_ chair. His favorite chair. The one that's in his study. Or was in his study for that matter.

"Are you moving?" Devon asked again.

I didn't bother responding. "Thanks for the ride. Bye."

I hopped out of the car and slammed the door shut before he could say anything. He waited a second before driving off. I stood in the same spot, glancing at the chair. Why was that chair outside? Deep down I knew the answer, but I wanted to lie to myself. I wanted to believe that it wasn't really happening.

A strange man came outside carrying a tall floor lamp. He set it next to the chair and turned around to go back inside. As soon as he disappeared inside I started to take my few hesitant steps forward, all the time keeping my eyes focused on that stupid chair.

"Elle-bear?"

I didn't bother to look up. I felt my dad walk towards me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Elle-belle?"  
"Stop," I ordered.

"Honey, you knew it had to happen."

I shook my head silently. No, I didn't know that it had to happen. I thought I'd have time to bring my parents back together. I thought my parents would be able to reconcile. For me.

"It won't be that bad! You can come over and have dinner with me. And you can stay with me on weekends. And you can have parties at my new place. And-…"

"And I'll never see you again," I murmured, as the impact of what was really happening hit me.

"Sure you will."

"No. I won't. I barely saw you when you lived with me. Why would I see you more when you don't?"

My dad didn't have an answer.

"Where's Mom?"  
"Inside."

"Is she okay?" my voice almost cracked, but I closed my eyes and willed myself to be strong.

"Ellie, it won't be that bad."

"Is Mom okay?" I asked again, looking up at him this time.

"Sure."

"I need to be with her."

"Don't you want to say goodbye to me?"  
I stopped walking and turned around. "Stay."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can."

"It's not that easy."  
"Yes, it is. You forgive."

"She hurt you."  
"So have you. And you're hurting me now. More than she ever has."

"I'm sorry."  
I nodded and looked at the ground before looking back up. "Yeah, me too. So, if you leave, I don't think I want to see you again."

"That's not fair, Ellie!" My dad took a step forward and tried to reach out to me. I stepped away.

"Mom loves you. I love you."  
"And I love you."

"And you love Mom!" I cried tearfully.

He didn't say anything.

"Look at you! You can't even deny it. You love her. So why the hell are you doing this?"  
I wiped furiously at my eyes, intent on not letting my dad see me cry. The movers quietly closed the back of the truck, trying not to interrupt our moment.

"This is too hard. I love you."

My dad waited for me to say it back.

I shook my head, more confused than ever by what he was hoping to gain from leaving us. I didn't understand at all. "You used to be the only thing holding this family together, and now you're the only thing tearing it apart," I choked out.

He reached forward to grab me in a hug, but I ducked out of his reach and ran into the house, slamming and locking the door behind me. Never had I felt more childish in my entire life. I wiped away my tears with fists and held back my sobs. I had to be the strong one now. No way was my mom going to make it through this if I wasn't strong enough for the both of us.

I slowly made my way up the stairs, tired and rejected. I could already hear my mom crying from behind her bedroom door. I opened it quietly and walked over to her shaking form under the covers. I sat on the side of the bed and stroked her dark brown hair.

"Shh… It's okay, Mom. It's going to be okay." I grimaced at the big lie I was letting escape my lips. Nothing was going to be okay. Nothing was ever going to be okay as long as my family wasn't whole. My mom's shoulders shuddered with each gasp she let escape. This was really hurting her. She'd probably be taking off a week or two from work to get through this. I'll have to make sure there isn't any alcohol in the house. And I'll have to make sure she has something to eat for lunch each day while I'm at school. And I'll have to make her dinner. I rested my head against the headboard of the bed and sighed deeply. This whole situation was really going to wear me out.

Thanks, Dad, for once again making me the adult of the family.

**Extra long chapter because I'm a horrible author. Hopefully this makes up for it. Tell me what you think! Comments and suggestions encouraged and welcomed! I love my fantastic reviewers!**


	54. Say It Ain't So

**Chapter 54: Say It Ain't So**

_Say it ain't so_

_Your drug is a heartbreaker_

_Say it ain't so_

_My love is a life taker_

_I can't confront you_

_I never could do_

_That which might hurt you_

_So try and be cool_

_When I say_

_This way is a waterslide away from me_

_That takes you further every day_

**Ellie**

I quickly pulled my hair back into a messy ponytail before grabbing my backpack and

closing my bedroom door behind me. I could already hear my mom puttering around the kitchen downstairs, pots and pans clanking and the refrigerator door opening and closing one second later. I sighed as I thought about the past week I had just spent in the house taking care of my mother as she grieved over our loss.

I didn't bother grieving.

Sure, my world pretty much ended when my father moved out, but I had to be strong. I allowed myself to cry for two minutes before picking up where I left off. I made my mom breakfast in the morning, helped her to the couch, sat with her and watched television for a good portion of the day, made her lunch, ignored the constant ringing of the phone, cooked her dinner, and tucked her into bed. Repeat the next day.

Now it's Monday- the first day of school after break and my mom's first day without me to keep her company.I'm not exactly sure how she's going to handle being alone...

"Eleanor?" My mom called out weakly from the living room couch.

"I'm here." I reached over the back of the couch and squeezed her hand. She squeezed it back slightly and turned on her side, ashamed that fresh tears were already falling. "It's okay, Mom."

I glanced at the clock- approximately thirty minutes to make it to school. Either I could leave now and have maybe five minutes to spare before home room, or I could quickly make my mom some breakfast.My mom sniffled, and my mind was immediately made up. I set my backpack down and walked into the kitchen.

"How does some toast sound, Mom?"

She didn't respond. I looked back at her as I untied the bread bag and sighed. She was already going into one of her episodes. She stared blankly at the TV, not moving except for the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. I threw the bread into the toaster and scanned the refrigerator for jam.

"Strawberry, grape, or apple butter?"

I picked the apple butter when she didn't answer. On second thought...

I threw it away in the trash can.

Apple butter is my dad's favorite.

I quickly spread the strawberry jam on the toast and filled a glass with apple juice before placing it on the coffee table in front of the couch. "Here you go."

She didn't make a move to eat it. I crouched down and stared her in the face. "Mom, you have to eat _something_, okay? I'm going to fix you some lunch, and I'll put it in the fridge, okay? Then when you get hungry you can just get it out. Maybe during your soaps, okay?"

She nodded silently, chewing on her bottom lip as she took a piece of toast and picked at it. "Thanks," she sulked.

"No problem. How about peanut butter and jam for lunch? I don't know what else we have..."

"Fine."

I quickly spread the peanut butter and jam on two rice cakes and pushed them together. I placed it on a plate and set a small branch of grapes next to it. "Okay, it's right here in the fridge. And if you want a snack, there are bananas and some granola bars next to the toaster."

I looked at my watch and swore quietly. I was already going to be fifteen minutes late, at least.

I was almost out the door when my mom called for me again. "Ellie?"

"Yeah, Mom?" I'll admit, I was a little exasperated. I was already going to get in shit from Degrassi's evil secretary for being this late. Imagine if I missed my entire first class? God, she'd love to smear that in my face.

"Nevermind..."

"No, what is it?"

"I'm not trying to make you angry with me..."

A flash of guilt shot through me. I rushed back over to the couch and brushed a hand over her hair. "It's fine, Mom. I didn't mean to snap at you..."

"Could you get me that blanket? I'm cold."

I grabbed the blanket from the basket in the corner of the room and spread it out over her. "Is that good?"

"Yes. Thanks."

"No problem. Okay, I'm leaving now. Are you going to be okay?"

She stuck her lower lip out a little, but nodded.

"Okay, I'll come right home after school. Bye!"

* * *

I peeked around the corner and let out a sigh of relief when I realized that Evil Secretary wasn't there. Instead, Besty- a kind, if flighty, mother of two- was quickly tapping at the computer keys.

"Hi, Betsy..."

"Oh, hi sweetheart! How are you?"

"Fine."

"Aren't you absent today? I didn't see you marked on the roster."

I placed my palms on the counter top and leaned forward a little. "I had to help my mom out this morning. She has the flu. So, I'm late..."

"Oh dear! I hope your mom starts to feel better!"

"I'm sure she will." _Liar. You're such a damn liar._

Betsy smiled kindly at me and wheeled her chair to the table behind her. "Let me just get you an excuse slip..."

"Well, hello Besty..."

I let out an inward groan when I heard that voice. Of course, this would be my luck. I didn't bother looking as Evil Secretary woman walked behind the counter and sat in her chair.

"Hi, Mary. How are you?" So that's her name...

"Good. Except I'm feeling a little shaky today."

"That's horrible!"

I kept my head down as they went on with their morning banter.

"Yeah, of course I forgot to get my tea when I came in... I just know my blood sugar is going to drop..."

"You poor thing! How about I go get you a tea, and you finish filling out this excuse slip for Ms. Nash over here."

"That's so thoughtful. Thank you, Betsy."

"No problem, sweetheart!"

I cursed Betsy for being so goddamn nice.

"That Betsy is so nurturing..." I heard Mary murmur under her breath as she looked over the excuse slip. "So, Ms. Nash, why are you late again?"

"My mom's sick, and I had to help her this morning..."

"Mm-hmm..." She was skeptical. "I thought maybe you were learning your lesson about being late, but I see you haven't."

"I _have_. It's just-..."

"Your mom's sick. Right. Well, I'm afraid I might have to take this up with Mr. Radditch. This has happened too many times this year. In the meantime, I think a _late_ slip is more appropriate for the situation."

It took every ounce of restraint I had in me to stop me from clawing my way over that counter and gouging her eyes out. This animosity _Mary _(who will _always_ be Evil Secretary to me...) has towards me is completely ridiculous. It's like she had to pick one student to bully for the entire four years, and she decided that she was going to make the new transfer student her victim.

The bell rang, and I rolled my eyes. "Can I please just have my late slip?"

She gave me a hard look and held it out for me- just enough out of my grasp that I had to practically crawl onto the counter top to reach it. She does this _every_ time.

I gripped the piece of paper in my hand as I stalked towards my second period class. If that bitch even dared to go to Mr. Radditch, well... She better watch out. I threw my bag onto my desk before collapsing into my chair, a scowl on my face.

"Someone as pretty as your shouldn't frown."

I shot Marco a death look and went back to tapping my fingernails against the desk.

"Where were you this morning?"

"Helping out my mom. She has the flu."

"Still? Man, she must really be sick. I missed hanging out with you the rest of break."

"Yeah, well, I couldn't leave her alone." I prayed that Marco would just stop trying to get me to talk.

"Man, someone's in a _mood_."

"Marco!" I just wanted him to quit harping on me.

"Okay, I'll stop," he surrendered. I gave him a grateful look.

Mr. Harris started class, and I took out my notebook to take down notes.

"El?"

"_What_?" I whispered harshly.

"I wuv you."

I rolled my eyes and smiled at Marco. "I wuv you, too."

Thank God nobody heard us.

**Sean**

"The best part was definitely the car chase. I mean, the part where Jasper's car flipped

_twice_... awesome!" Jay slammed his fist into a locker to emphasize his point (and scaring a group of freshman boys in the process).

"Definitely. What'd you think?" I looked over at Nikki by my side.

She shrugged. "It was okay."

"You didn't like it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I just didn't."

"Okay." An awkward pause fell between us. If that had been Ellie she wouldn't have been able to shut up as to why she didn't enjoy the movie. But then she would have been able to find one good thing about it.

"Sean?"

"Huh?" I shook my head and looked at my girlfriend.

"I'm going to, uh, go. I'll talk to you later?"

"Uh, sure..." I watched as she rushed off, her long hair streaming behind her. Whatever connection and comfort I had begun to think I was finding with her was slowly dwindling away. It doesn't help that she acts as if she isn't all there every time we're together.

Oh, well. At least she's still giving me a _little _attention.

"What's up her ass?" Jay asked.

"What?"

"That girl you're dating. She has something stuck up her ass."

"Just last week you were getting high with that girl I'm dating. Remember?"

"That was last week..."

I chuckled and shut my locker. "Whatever. Oh, hey, there's Ellie. I have to talk to her. See you later."

I practically had to sprint to catch up with Ellie. I threw my arm around her shoulders and gave her a quick hug. "Where've you been?"

"Hmm?" She seemed more than a little out of it.

"I barely talked to you last week. You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. My mom's been sick so I've been helping her around the house."

"That sucks. If I was sick would you take care of me?"

She gave me a weird look and tossed her bangs out of her eyes. "Anyway... I have to go. Bye."

I watched as she hustled down the hallway towards... wherever she was heading. I can't help but get confused with this hot and cold act she puts on. Either she's avoiding me or stuffing Christmas down my throat. I sighed and headed towards Ms. Kwan's room. Well, if that's the way she wants this to be, fine.

* * *

I lay back on my bed, phone in hand, listening to the ringing on the other end. One. Two Three. Four rings.

"Hello?" Her voice was breathless. She must have been busy doing something.

"Hey..."

"Sean, this really isn't a good time. Okay?"

"I just wanted to talk to you."

She hesitated. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm just really busy right now."

I heard a noise on the other side.

"What's that?"

"It's nothing. I have to go. Bye."

I threw the phone across the room after she hung up. So much for this relationship.

**Nikki**

"Where were we?" I hung the phone up and planted a sloppy kiss on Towerz's lips.

He just moaned in response and ran his rough hands over my bare back. I met his actions eagerly and started grinding my hips against his, hoping he'd get the message as to how far I wanted this to go.

He understood.

I feel bad. I do. But I can't help it either.

**Ellie**

I slammed down the phone and turned around to help my mom in the kitchen. She stared dumbly at the pile of dishes she had just knocked off the counter. The dishes I had just cleaned. A few of the plates were broken, and all were dirty again.

"I'm sorry, Ellie."

"Mom, it's okay. Really." I tried to calm her down. I could already see the hysterical look appearing on her face. "Don't worry."

"I just ruin everything."

"They're dishes. It'll be okay." I bent over and picked up the dishes that were still intact, setting them in the sink. I'd have to wash them again later. "Could you get me a broom, though?"

"I guess." I watched in amazement as she wondered around the kitchen- actually _looking_ for the broom, which she should know by now is kept in the laundry room. She gave up and, instead, collapsed on the couch in the living room. "I can't find it."

I stepped carefully over the pieces of broken dish and grabbed the broom and dustpan from the laundry room. I crouched down and concentrated on sweeping up all the pieces.

"Ellie, I'm- _Damnit!_"

"Mom! You know there's broken glass on the floor." I stood up and helped her back over to her- seemingly permanent- spot on the couch and propped her foot up on the coffee table. "I'll get a pair of tweezers."

I ran up the stairs to my parents's bedroom and retrieved the tweezers from my mom's medicine cabinet. I couldn't help but notice the bottle of antidepressants cushioned in between the sleeping and caffeine pills.

The sad thing is I just shut the door and went back downstairs. The sight didn't even faze me one bit.

"This is going to hurt a little, okay?"

She nodded, bracing herself.

I carefully plucked the shard of glass out of the bottom of her foot and set it on the coffee table. "There. Better?"

"Sore," she grumbled.

"Well, next time don't walk barefoot in the kitchen when you _know_ there's broken glass on the floor."

"_Sorry_," she hissed, turning her face away from me and frowning.

I was fully aware that she was acting like a child. She acts like this every time she's reprimanded or doesn't get her way. My shoulders sagged when I realized she was going to ignore me. I crouched down again on the floor and made sure I had gotten every broken shard.

I cautiously grabbed a bigger piece that had made its way under the table. I heard the sound of my mom bursting into tears, and I flinched. Suddenly I was well aware of what was in my hand. I grasped the shard and felt it's weight. It barely felt like I was holding anything. But, if I actually went through with it, imagine the weight of the consequences. How can something so little and meaningless have so much power over me?

I listened to the sound of my mom sobbing into her pillow, and I felt a wave of pressure crash into me. It'll only be once. Just one more time. And then I'll stop.

_God, please, I'm not strong enough._

I braced myself as I pressed the corner of the glass into the inside of my arm, just above the elbow. I was practically salivating, I was craving the rush I would get from doing this. It's funny how something can be so wrong but so right at the same time. My hand shook.

_I was doing so well..._

I threw the glass back down on the floor and stood up quickly, the blood rushing to my head. No way. There's no way I'm going back to that dark place again. Just... no way.

The phone rang, breaking my thoughts. I robotically walked over to the phone and picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hi, sweetie..."

I slammed the phone down. How dare he even call me? Didn't I tell him that I never wanted to see or hear from him again? How hard is that to understand?

"Who was that?" My mom raised her head off of the pillow and looked at me hopefully.

"Nobody."

I didn't fool her. "You're dad? Did he want to talk to me?"

"Mom..."

I was surprised that she was even able to cry. I would have thought that she had already wasted all her tears. I sat on the floor next to the couch and rubbed her back as she didn't even bother controlling herself.

The sun set, and the sky grew dark. I could hear the wind outside starting to pick up and the sound of the freezing rain hitting the windows. Not once that night did I leave my mom's side. I rested my head against the arm of the couch and read my chapter for AP History and completed my genetics worksheet. Sometime around Midnight I recited my speech for French for my mom. She kept telling me that she was fine- that I could go to bed- that I didn't have to babysit her... But I knew that wasn't an option. My mom has no self-control when it comes to being in pain. She just lets it consume her until she's in too deep to get back out.

* * *

The next morning I woke up an hour earlier than usual. I peeled myself off the floor and stumbled up the stairs into the shower. As the hot water ran down my back, I felt the muscles in my neck and shoulders start to ease. The tension of the past week slipped away. I remembered holding the piece of glass to my arm last night and being able to stop myself. I smiled.

"Eleanor!" My mom's strangled voice cut through me like a knife.

I turned off the water and pulled my bathrobe on, not even bothering to dry off a little first.

"What is it?"

My mom leaned against the doorframe to my bedroom. "I was just wondering where you were."

"I'm getting ready for school."

"Oh."

"You okay?"

She didn't respond. She just turned around and walked back down the hallway. I followed her, a little worried by the look on her face.

"Mom, are you okay?"

"_What do you think!_" She screamed back at me, suddenly angry.

I didn't answer. I didn't know _how_ to answer.

"Do you think I like being left by my husband? Do you think I want to get a divorce? Goddamn it, Eleanor. I'm _not_ fine. I'll never be fine."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is! I'm- I'm so sick of being here! And God, if I have to hear your voice one more time... The constant harping. All of your questions. 'Are you hungry?' 'Are you okay?' 'Do you want some water?' No, I don't want _water_! I want a _drink_!"

"No." I had to stop myself from pinching my arm to make sure this wasn't just some nightmare.

"Yes. I do. I want a drink. Right now."

I shook my head hard. "_No_. You _promised_. Mom, you can't drink."

"I'm not strong enough, Ellie."

"Yes, you are! _Please_!"

I hated the sound of my voice. I hated how scared and childish I sounded. But, damnit, I _was_ scared. I can't go back to the life I used to have when my mom was an alcoholic. I just can't. My mom's eyes softened as I pleaded with her.

She nodded slowly and wrapped her arms around herself. "You're right. I, uh, I think I'm going to get out today. It might be good for me."

I gave a sigh of relief and took a step towards my mom, putting a comforting hand on her arm. "It would be good for you. You could visit your sister. Or go to work for awhile."

"Work. I could go to work. Yes, I'll go to work."

I smiled, tears in my eyes- happy that I was able to convince my mom that she _is_ strong and she _can_ get through this. For once, I felt extremely needed. It was almost as if someone's fate rested entirely in my hands.

I finished getting ready as my mom took her shower and gathered her things for the office. I made her a quick breakfast of a bagel and orange juice and watched as she ate it and thanked me. No problem, I said. I would do anything to make sure she was okay. I went upstairs as she put her coat on. I grabbed my bag and threw it over my shoulders before practically tumbling down the stairs as my body rushed with adrenaline. Adrenaline? Over what? I don't know.

That's when I noticed that my mom had left the house without her briefcase. She _never_ leaves her briefcase behind. It's like her security blanket, her safety net. I knew she'd be pissed if she arrived at the office without it. I grabbed it'd handle and held it up over my head as I closed the door behind me.

"Mom!" I shouted, hoping she'd hear me through the car window.

She glanced at me briefly before driving away.

I'll never forget the look in her eyes. Defeat. Guilt. Shame. All those emotions rolled into one as she looked at me. It was almost as if she was telling me she was sorry for being such a worthless mother. For being so weak.

I knew, right then, from that look that my mom wasn't going to the office.

In a fit of desperation I ran after her car down the driveway. I wanted to see for myself if she turned left or right.

She turned left. Her office is to the right. Her liquor store is to the left.

I almost threw up. I bent over and dry heaved for what seemed like a half hour. I stood back up, tears streaming down my face, and thought about how stupid I probably looked crying and clutching onto my mom's stupid briefcase like some freak. I threw her briefcase at the ground and started walking. Every once in awhile I had to wipe at my face, to make sure there were no stray tears holding on.

I should known. I should have known better than to trust her even after she admitted she wanted a drink just an hour earlier. How fucking naive of me. I just keep believing every shitty lie that comes out of her mouth until it slaps me in the face.

I laughed mirthlessly. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I guess deep down I had known she wasn't really going to go to the office, that she wouldn't be able to make it through the day without taking a drink. But for some reason I just keep on wanting to believe in her.

It's such a lost cause, though. Nothing I do or say is going to stop her from drinking. If I wasn't enough to keep my dad around, how the hell did I expect myself to be enough to keep my mom from turning to the bottle?

By the time I get to school she'll probably be sitting back at home, nursing a bottle of vodka. Straight. Her favorite.

She might mix in a few shots of tequila to spice things up.

But that's only if she's feeling crazy.

I arrived at school with a content expression on my face. I made small talk with Ashley and Craig. I grinned as Marco told me about the funny movie he and Devon had seen the night before. I even waved at Darcy. To the outsider, I would appear to be having a pretty damn good day.

I stopped in the bathroom after first period. I leaned against the wall as I let out a tired sigh. And then I thought about the scene I would come home to after school. My mom on the couch, empty bottles around her, puke on the floor... She would be wearing her pink bathrobe- one she saves only for these special occasions.

And I would be in my room slicing at my arm.

It's inevitable. I know that much.

I felt a lump rise in my throat. The thought of doing that again made me sick. Especially since I had just been able to stop. The tear started to burn the back of my eyes, and I had to do something to stop them. So I punched the wall. Over and over again until I couldn't even focus anymore on pain that was sitting heavy in my heart or the sickening feeling in my stomach. All I could focus on were my throbbing knuckles.

The bell rang for second period, and I checked the mirror to make sure I looked fairly presentable. A permanent wrinkle was settling in on my forehead, and my shoulders were hunched.

_Oh, well._

As I walked towards the classroom a mixture of emotions went through me. Defeat. Guilt. Shame. Worthlessness. Weakness. The same exact emotions I know my mom is feeling right now. And I _know_ I shouldn't be feeling these because it isn't my fault, but I just can't help it. It's like I have a gene inside of me that immediately blames myself for every tragedy in the world.

It's all about control. I like control. I want control. I _have_ control over everything.

Except my mom's drinking.

**Yet another chapter!**

**I hope you enjoy it! I focused mainly on Ellie's POV because the events affected her. Also, I didn't know who I wanted Sean to be calling so I made it so it could have been either Nikki or Ellie. **

**Next chapter: Ellie will come home to her mom, Sean will make a horrible decision, AND... i don't know.**

**Tell me your thoughts about the chapter. Did I keep Ellie in character? How am I writing her mom? I'm really concerned about this.**

**And I would also like to know if there is anything you'd like me to include- more of some character's POV or something mentioned that might have happened earlier in the story and was kind of dropped... I don't know. Anything! **

**So... as always... SUGGESTIONS... COMMENTS! please! **

**BlackRoseOnFire- the song if Fix You by Coldplay. Thanks for always reviewing!**

**Maibe Josie- Thanks for the encouragement! I appreciate you always reviewing!**


	55. Amen

**Chapter 55: Amen**

_You're mother's child but night lays you down_

_Hair aflame, wild look in your eyes_

_Naked belly to the ground_

_A forest fire nibbles at your veins_

_Crawls up your arm_

_Runs away with your mind_

_And burns dry thoughts like leaves_...

_Where are my angels?_

_Where's my golden one?_

_Where's my hope_

_Now that my heros have gone?_

**Ellie**

I tapped my foot against the leg of my chair impatiently as I stared at the clock. _Come on... Come on... Come on..._ I willed it to move faster. I don't know why I was "looking forward" to going home so much. It's not like I was excited to see my mom plastered and possibly unconscious. Nah. I was more excited to take something shiny and sharp against my arm. Just the thought of it alone made me dig my nails into my arm, wondering how long it would take to make it bleed that way. Too long.

Finally the bell rang, and I jumped out of my seat- a little _too_ excited. A few of the students snickered at me, but I didn't even waste my time or energy to blush and act embarrassed. Who gives a shit anyway? Just as I was about to make my escape through the door...

"Ms. Nash?"

_God dammit_... I turned back around and walked up to Ms. Kwan's desk. My fingers were practically squeezing my arm off as I tried to control the urge to just run away.

"You seemed a little preoccupied in class. Is something going on?"

_I was thinking that you should really just mind your own damn business..._

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Okay. Go on as you were."

"Thank you..." My voice dripped with sarcasm, and she blinked a little at my tone.

I rolled my eyes as I walked out of her classroom, annoyed that she had really just asked me that question. Does it _look_ like something is going on? Just life, as usual.

"Ellie, you wanna come to The Dot?" Marco wrapped an arm through mine and quickly kissed me on the cheek.

I looked over at the group of friends around him- Paige, Hazel, Spinner... Nobody I really cared to see at the moment. Or ever.

"I have to go home."

"Your mom?"

"Yeah, I called her during lunch, and she sounded like crap."

"Maybe I could bring over some chicken soup later on? We can do homework and maybe clean the house a little for-..."

"Marco, you're sweet. But my parents really don't want visitors right now."

I gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand before heading off down the hallway.

"At least we don't have to listen to her depressing talk," Paige whispered loudly.

Hazel and Spinner cackled at the comment, and I rolled my eyes. If she thought her words could seriously hurt me...

"Shut up, Paige," Marco replied.

_Ha!_ The sound of Marco actually telling Paige to shut her trap for once was refreshing. Very refreshing.

* * *

I practically ran the entire way home. My hands shook as I searched for my keys through my black bag, anticipating the scene I was about to find. Would she be passed out? Would she be awake? Would she be _fine_? The last option gave my heart false hope. But maybe, just _maybe_, she had convinced herself not to go to the liquor store. Maybe she had convinced herself to just turn around in the car and drive the opposite way.

I didn't have to think about that possibility anymore. I set my backpack down quietly and started to clean the empty bottles off of the coffee. Vodka and Rum had been my mother's choice today. I threw away the Rum bottle and walked over to the sink with the Vodka bottle to pour the rest out.

On second thought...

_Might as well_. I tipped my head back and swallowed the rest of the Vodka in a single gulp. I threw the bottle into the sink and blanched at the strong taste left in my mouth. How my mom manages to drink a bottle of this in one sitting will never cease to amaze me.

"Mom?" I called out from the entryway to the living room.

She moaned, but didn't open her eyes.

"Mom? You okay?"

She moaned and waved me away with her hand.

_Whatever_.

I trudged up the stairs, suddenly feeling extremely tired. I closed and locked the door behind me. As I collapsed onto my bed, I realized just how truly alone I was in my life. I know, I know. Poor me. What do I have to complain about? I mean, seriously, even I'm sick of hearing myself complain all the time. At least I have a roof over my head and the opportunity to an education and...

Ah, screw it. I'm so sick of this "let's pretend I'm really okay" shit. I don't want to think positively. I just want to sit here and wallow in my trivial misery. And while I'm doing that I can partake in my favorite after-school activity. I crawled to the edge of the bed and let my head fall to the floor. Where is it? Where is it? _Where is it?_ I started to freak out. Where the hell was my box at? Why couldn't I find it? I snapped up to a sitting position and growled angrily. What. The. Hell. I jumped off of my bed and tore through my room. I searched through my dresser, clothes being strewn everywhere.

That's where that shirt is...

I shoved the last drawer closed, causing the dresser to rattle. I threw open my closet door and searched through it thoroughly. Nothing. Not a damn thing.

Maybe my mom had found it. Maybe she had gone through my room while I was gone because she was worried about me. She found it. And then she got rid of it. I almost stopped searching.

Almost. There was only one more place to look. I grabbed my desk chair and drug it over to the bookcase and stood on it. Balancing on my tiptoes, I stretched my arm and felt around for the box. Ah. There it is. I smiled as I pulled the box from my "hiding spot"- not that it had done any good. I don't know why I didn't just get rid of all my supplies. I guess there's always something sharp and pointy at my disposal no matter what. I guess I was saving them for a day like this.

I took a seat on the floor and pressed my back against my bed. I pulled the sleeve of my shirt up and stared at the canvas in front of me. There were still faint lines from past scars. I should just stop right now. I should see how well I'm healing and leave it at that. But I can't. Stopping isn't going to give me the same outlet that cutting will. I sighed, partly from exhaustion and partly from the hopelessness of the situation. No matter what I do, I'm in pain.

Physical pain is so much better than emotional pain, though. It's fleeting. It eases up. It leaves. Emotional pain, though, stays with you. It drags you down, chokes you, buries you alive... And I have more goddamn emotional baggage than I know what to do with.

I held the point of my compass above my arm and studied my skin. Where should I cut? What spot should I taint next...

My cell phone rang, and I grabbed it without even thinking.

"Hello?"

"Ellie, are you sure you can't hang out tonight?" It was Marco.

I closed my eyes briefly and fought the urge to just hang up on him. I love him. I do. The kid is my best friend, and I'd do anything for him. But sometimes he just takes so much and never gives back. Believe me, there's only so much I can give. I already gave him everything- my heart included- what else does he want?

"Are you there? Ellie? Hello?"

"I'm here." I flinched at how small my voice sounded. I pressed the compass point against my arm and started to drag it slowly.

"So, we're all at The Dot, and we'd love for you to come. Tell your mom to take a nap or something. You have to get out."

"You act as if I'm a recluse..." I rolled my eyes even though he couldn't see me.

"Stop rolling your eyes," he ordered. I gave a small smile. "I know I haven't seen you in a long time."

"You saw me in school." I let out a breath of relief as I finished the short deep line.

"For, like, two seconds. And then I didn't see you since New Year's before that. You've been taking care of your mom for a week now."

"And your point is?"

"Leave her. She's an adult. She can manage."

I felt the bile start to rise. Yeah, she's an adult. She can manage. Until her husband leaves her, and she hits the bottle. Then she becomes some child that I have to take care of. Marco has no idea what it's like. And here he is trying to get me to leave her.

"Stop trying to get me to be selfish. My mom is sick. She needs me. I have to go."

"Ellie! It's not selfish to hang out with friends for dinner... You have to eat something..."

I could tell by his tone of voice that he was going to start in one of his "healthy eating" lectures. As if I need to hear that. "_Marco_, just leave me alone. I'm not coming to The Dot. I'm _fine_."

I furiously sliced at my arm again; this time I created a long and shallow line.

"Can I at least bring you something to eat later on? I'll order you a grilled cheese. And fries. I'll even bring you some..."

I ended the call and tossed the phone to my side. Sometimes his voice just gives me a headache. Especially when he's pulling the "worried" act on me. Still, if I know Marco, he's going to show up here later on, food in hand. I groaned as I stood up slowly and gathered my supplies back into the box before kicking it under the bed. I paused and got down on my hands and knees. I had to make sure that it was really under my bed. For next time. Because, you know, there will be a next time.

**Sean**

I tipped back the bottle and felt the beer slide down my throat. Already my head was swimming, and it was only eight in the evening. Jay laughed as I let out a long, deep burp and followed my lead. He raised his eyebrows as a skanky-looking redhead passed by on her way to "the van".

"She's cute. You could do her. She's probably waiting for you in there."

"Dude, I have a girlfriend."

"Yeah, well, she isn't here, is she?"

I glared at him and took another drink. "Whatever," I muttered.

"Or are you only interested in one red-head these days?"

"Shut up," I muttered again. It's the same thing with him. Either he's bashing Nikki or accusing me of having feelings for Ellie still.

"Don't get your panties in a twist. I was kidding. I know you're _so totally_ over her."

I could tell Jay was giving me a look. _The_ look. I didn't bother to acknowledge it.

"Man, was there a reason you made me come down here?"

Jay smirked and shrugged his shoulders. "Of course. I was just getting to that."

"Well, get to it already."

He laughed and tossed his empty bottle on the ground. "So, I got a tip."

"A tip?"

"There's a new electronics store that just opened up on Church. It's run by some foreigns. Obviously, they don't know how to use an alarm. So, we're heading there this weekend. You in?"

I licked my lips and stared at my bottle. Was I in? I mean, am I really up for this? It's been awhile.

"Come on. You're my right hand man! Nobody else knows what they're doing..."

I looked up and shook my head. "I don't know, man. Do you know what would happen if I got caught?"

"Don't even think about it. We're not getting caught. It's an easy job. Dude, they're from like India or some shithole like that."

"Nice, Jay. Real nice," I sneered.

"Hey, it's not my fault they lived there. So, you in? Come on. It's gonna be huge. I'm talking thousands of dollars here."

"Yeah, and a lot of trouble..."

"Man, the guys already said they'd take it off of our hands immediately. They just need us to get in there and get it out. They'll pay up-front!"

He was making it sound so easy. It's never that easy. Somebody always ends up getting hurt. First, it was Mr. Simpson. And then Ellie. Who now? And what if I got caught? There's no way I'll be calling Ellie again. I couldn't ask her to bail me out again. Not like before.

I released my breath and shook my head. "Man, I just don't know. I have to think about it."

"Whatever, dude. Just don't pussy out on me. I'm going to go find Alex. Bye."

Jay walked away, shaking his head in disappointment. He already thinks I'm going to say no. Maybe he's right. Maybe my mind's already made up. Still... it's something to think about. I could do a lot with that kind of money.

I stood up and stuffed my hands in my pockets. Maybe I need to talk about this with someone. My head spun a little as I started walking away from the ravine. I climbed the hill until I reached the road and continued on. I weighed the options I head in my head. I could go with Jay, break into the store, keep my reputation, earn respect from my friends, and make a quick dollar. I could probably afford to find a cheap car and fix it up. My eyes lit up at the idea. Hell, maybe I could even get a motorcycle.

But what happens if it doesn't go the way Jay says it will? I could lose my student welfare. I could go to jail. That's not something I can afford. But if I don't do it then I'm a pussy. And I don't think I could look myself in the face knowing that I had bailed out on my friends in the greatest scheme ever.

I reached for my cell phone and started to punch in her number. On second thought...

I veered to my left and decided to just visit her. Its not like I've seen her lately. And she didn't sound too good on the phone last night. It took me thirty-five minutes to walk to her house. Thirty-five fucking minutes. I stumbled up her driveway as I started to feel the beers I had before. I could practically smell the alcohol reeking off of me. Wow, she'd be impressed.

"Sean?"

I shook my head and tried to focus on the shadow in front of me. "What?" I answered annoyed.

"What are you doing here? Have you been drinking? You smell."

I brushed Marco's hand off of me and stepped past him. "I'm here to see Ellie," I muttered.

He pressed a palm against my chest and pushed me back. "Yeah, well... me too. Listen, she's not in the mood for visitors. I'm just bringing her dinner. Did you call her?"

"No."

"Well..." Marco looked back in forth between the house and me.

I gave up. "Fine. It's fine. You go. I'll see her tomorrow. Don't tell her I was here."

I don't know why I gave up. I guess I didn't feel like fighting with Marco over who would go in and who would leave. Anyway, he's her best friend. And she's clearly not up to being my friend these days.

I took one last look at the house before I left. More particularly, I looked up to Ellie's window. The curtain moved swiftly and her shadow moved behind it. So she saw me. Oh well. I pulled my cell phone back out and dialed Jay's number.

"Yeah?"

"I'm in."

"What?"

"The plan? I'm in."

**Marco**

I didn't bother knocking or ringing the doorbell. I just barged right in, making sure not to make too much noise. I know better than to annoy Ellie's mom.

I laughed inwardly. Or Ellie, for that matter.

"So you think you can just walk right in here?" She took her time coming down the stairs, a frown on her face.

"Yep," I answered heading towards the kitchen. "I brought you dinner."

She followed me. "I'm not hungry."

"Whatever." I tossed the container on the kitchen table and folded my arms across my chest. "Where's your mom?"

"Sleeping."

I nodded and looked around. The place _looked_ fine. The living room was clean. The kitchen was spotless. It looked like the house of someone who had it all together. Someone who had all the answers. That's Ellie for you.

"I'm really tired, Marco. I think I'm getting sick, too, so..."

"I get it. I'll leave. Just- just if there's anything- _anything- _you need to talk about, you know you can count on me, right?" I gripped her arms and tried to read her mind. Her eyes looked back at me blankly. She blinked slowly and a smile spread across her face.

"I know, Marco. That's why you're my best friend."

"Yeah, well, I'm feeling pretty worthless as your best friend."

She gave me a confused look.

"I tell you all my problems, and you always have to fix them. I'm _always_ the one with problems. Why can't _you_ be the one with the problems, just once? Why won't you let me help you?"

She laughed and gave me a big hug. "Because I don't _have_ any problems, Marco."

I pressed my cheek against hers and held her tighter. I didn't believe that for a second. I sighed and let her go. "Tomorrow?"

She nodded, "Tomorrow."

I watched from the doorway as she went on with her business, thinking I had left. She leaned over the kitchen table for a moment, regaining her thoughts. I looked away sadly as she threw away the container of food I had brought her and walked out of the kitchen without even so much as noticing me.

Maybe it's just a fluke. Maybe she'll be fine in a few days. Maybe it really is just her mom being sick.

And maybe I'm just fooling myself almost as much as she's fooling herself.

**Ellie**

I leaned against the doorframe to my mom's bedroom and watched her for a second as she slept. As soon as I was convinced that she was okay, I shut the door quietly and retreated back to my room. There's nothing like a good depressing visit from your best friend to remind you that not only are you hurting yourself but everybody that matters to you. I rolled my sleeve up and ran my fingers over the two cuts I had made. I guess I never really did matter to myself.

My stomach made a noise, and I let out a groan of frustration. "Shut up," I ordered it through clenched teeth.

I wonder what Sean wanted. And why did he leave? I thought about calling him, but...

Instead, I turned on my music softly and settled down with my genetics homework. I could barely concentrate hard enough to read the chapter, though. I kept thinking about the look on Marco's face and the reason Sean came over and how my dad hadn't even tried to call this evening. I knew he'd forget about us.

I shut my textbook and leaned my head against the edge of my desk. It's no use. I can't even make sense of the words. I pressed the palms of my hands into my eyes and willed myself to stop thinking about how shitty things are going. _Don't even think about it. Don't even start crying, Nash. Suck it up._

I let out a shaky breath and stood up slowly, making my way towards my bathroom. I turned the light on and shut the door behind me carefully without making a sound- not that my mom would be up and checking on me or anything...

"Ugh," I choked out as I leaned over the toilet, dry heaving. _Come on... Come on... Come on. Come on. _Tears stung the corner of my eyes, and I grabbed my toothbrush from my sink. If I couldn't do it by myself, I'd just have to force it. I rammed the toothbrush down my throat, instantly gagging and releasing the little food and water I had that day. Afterwards, I collapsed against the edge of the bathtub and just lay there, completely exhausted and void of any real emotion. I guess you could say I was empty.

**Woohoo, finally finished with chapter.**

**Next chapter is probably going to take over the course of a week or two... Ellie will be spiraling even more out of control (is this sounding too much like Emma? i swear i'm not getting this from OLAS...) and Marco will finally confront her. Sean and Jay will perform their task, and Sean's going to see who his true friends are. Also, I think Ellie will finally talk to her dad.**

**Hopefully I'll get another chapter up by this weekend. I think I'm pretty good on homework thsi week so I should have time to work on it. But don't quote me on that:) **

**Thanks for being such lovely reviewers! **


	56. The Freshman

**Chapter 56: The Freshman**

_When I was young I knew everything_

_And she a punk who rarely ever took advice_

_Now I'm gilt stricken,_

_Sobbing with my head on the floor_

_Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice_

_I can't be held responsible_

_Cause she was touching her face_

_I won't be held responsible_

_She fell in love in the first place_

**Sean**

I grabbed my books from my locker and stuffed them under my arm only to have them knocked to the ground by Jay. He laughed and shook his head as I sent him a glare before bending down to pick them up.

"Better watch out, Cameron. Marco likes it when you bend over."

I stood up quickly and turned around to see Marco standing in the hallway talking to his boyfriend. Marco's lip curled up at Jay's comment, and I blushed furiously. Suddenly, Jay was pinned up against the locker, a shocked expression on his face.

"Jay, if you say one more thing to offend Marco, I'm going to-..."

"What, Nash? Whaddya gonna do?" Jay challenged.

Ellie released her grip on his shirt and clenched her fists. Her eyes flashed as she just shook her head at him. "Keep doing it, and you'll see..." she threatened.

"Whatever. See ya, Cameron."

I didn't say anything as Ellie stood by my side, almost expectantly. She crossed her arms and leaned against the locker next to me. "You were at my house."

"Yep."

"Why?"

"I got lost," I snapped.

"What's with you?"

"Nothing, okay? Just- I have to get to class."

She laughed and flicked her hair over her shoulder. "Never heard that one before... Well, was there a reason you were stalking me at night?"

"Nope. Nothing important," I lied.

"_Right_..."

I narrowed my eyes and looked at her. "What's with you and Jay?"

She shrugged. "I don't like the way he talks about Marco."

"I thought you guys were actually going to be friends..."

"It's more of a love/hate relationship."

I laughed bitterly. "You have a lot of those don't you?"

She stopped walking and stared at me. "What are you talking about?"

I turned around and faced her, a smart-ass expression on my face. "You just seem to pick and choose when you want to be friends with people. But, uh, it doesn't really work that way."

"What? Because I didn't have time to hang out with you for one week? Now I'm like a horrible friend? Whatever..." She pushed past me, but I grabbed her wrist.

"Wait!" I stopped her. She looked up at me, and I stared her in the eyes. I was ready to spill to her why I'd been at her house, about the whole stealing plan, about how I was feeling left out of her life, but something stopped me. Something shut me up. Maybe it was the guarded look in her eyes; maybe it was the way she was fidgeting, like she had somewhere better to be. Maybe I was just too embarrassed to tell her. Whatever the reason, I didn't say anything.

"Never mind. I have to go."

And I left her standing there in the hallway alone.

**Ellie**

I let out a frustrated groan as I slammed the palm of my hand into the machine button. All I wanted was a bottle of diet coke- something to wake me up- and so far I'd wasted two dollars. I _could_ just get one from the cafeteria, but that would require me going _into_ the cafeteria. That wasn't an option. Especially since Marco was in there waiting to harass me.

"There you are!"

I turned around quickly and looked both ways. I could make a quick dash for it, pretend I didn't hear him. But that would be just a little too obvious. Marco reached me in three strides and put a hand on my shoulder.

"I've been looking all over for you."

"Really?" My voice came out strained.

His arm snaked around my neck and pulled me against his side. "Come eat lunch with me. I brought you something."

"I'm not that hungry," I insisted.

"_Ellie_..." Marco warned.

I rolled my eyes and walked with him. "Fine, I'll sit with you."

He gave me a quick kiss on the temple and led me into the cafeteria. Immediately, I felt out of place- if that even makes sense. All of a sudden it seemed like everybody was staring at me. I can only imagine what everyone was thinking: _What's _Ellie Nash_ doing here? Why is _she_ eating? Why is-_

"Ellie?" Marco shook my hand and broke my train of thought.

"Huh?"

"You were staring. Come on." He brought me over to his table which just happened to consist of some of my _favorite_ people. Paige, Spinner, Hazel, Jimmy, Ashley, and Craig all stared back at me.

I took a seat, hesitantly, and slouched down in my seat. What, did I have to _pretend_ that I wanted to be here? I can think of a million other places I'd rather be right now rather than sitting at this little table where everyone is acting awkward.

"So," Marco began, a little too cheerfully. "How's everybody's day going?"

A collective "Okay" sounded. Spinner shoved the rest of his chicken nuggets in his mouth while Paige looked at him with loving disgust. Hazel and Jimmy made goo-goo eyes at each other, and Ashley stared at me with her own look. I started to blush a little under the scrutiny of her eye.

"What?" I asked uncomfortably.

She was quick to respond. "Nothing! Nothing at all!"

I rolled my eyes and tapped my right foot in hopes of amusing myself in some way. I observed the rest of the students in the cafeteria. There was Emma and Manny sitting with Darcy, JT, and Toby. They were all laughing as JT told a joke. Toby's milk sprayed out of his nose as he doubled over in his seat, and Darcy let out a huge guffaw. I small smile came to my lips at how young and innocent and carefree they all looked. And their only a fucking year younger than me. How the hell did I get so _old_? And when did life fly past telling corny jokes and running around barefoot with scraped knees?

A few tables over sat Jay, Alex, Amy, Sean, Nikki, and Towerz. Jay and Alex could barely keep their hands off of each other and Amy was in the middle of telling a story- highly entertaining, I'm so sure. Towerz nodded every now and then but he was more focused on Nikki, and Nikki kept giving him a look out of the corners of her eyes. But her fingers were entwined with Sean's, and I barely blinked. I guess sometimes you lose sight of what used to be most important to you. After awhile, things just stop mattering.

"_Ellie_."

I turned my head slowly towards Marco. "What?" I asked testily.

"I was talking to you, and you weren't paying attention... Are you okay?"

"Fine. I'm fine. What were you saying?" Guilt came over me as I saw Marco's hurt expression.

"It was nothing. Do you want part of my sandwich?"

As if he said the magic word, everyone's head snapped up and their eyes bore into me. What is this? Some sort of intervention? Am I the lunchtime entertainment or something? I scrutinized the half of a sandwich Marco held out towards me. Turkey, two kinds of cheese, sprouts, mustard, lettuce. He waved the sandwich a little and a white glob of mayonnaise fell onto the table with a deafening _SPLAT!_ I stared in horror at that glob of mayonnaise, and it stared right back at me. I felt the bile rise in my throat and swallowed hard.

"Marco, you know I hate mayonnaise." And that was the truth.

"Oh. Well. You could get something from the line. Peanut butter and jelly? Grilled cheese? Some chicken nuggets?"

"They're _really_ good," Spinner added.

I wrinkled my nose. "I can tell," I responded dryly as he crammed another one in his mouth. Whoever taught Spinner how to eat should be shot. And fast.

Paige sighed loudly and rolled her eyes. "I'm getting so _bored_ with the direction this conversation is going," she commented.

For once, I agreed with her.

Ashley shot her a nasty look and crossed her arms. "Oh, because it isn't about you for once? Ellie's a part of our lives, too. Not just you."

The table reached a new level of complete and utter silence. Everyone stared in amazement that it had been _Ashley_ to go off on Paige. And I was included. Ashley chewed on her lip and looked at the table before glancing back up and locking eyes with me. I lifted the corner of my mouth a little and thanked her with my eyes. For once, Ashley is choosing me. She's sticking up for _me_.

Paige scooted out of her seat and grabbed her purse. "Whatever," she snapped. "I'll leave you guys alone so you can fawn over the little freak show."

How can one girl be so nasty? Seriously. One minute she's practically _crying_ because I make a few cuts on my arms and the next she's bitching about me. I fixed her with an icy glare and waited for the rest of the table to get up and follow suit.

She threw her unfinished sandwich at me and flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Eat a sandwich. You make me sick."

Her heels made a clicking noise as she stomped away. I looked around the table expectantly. Hazel made a sad attempt to scoot away from the table and follow Paige but gave up in the end. "Screw it," she muttered and went back to reading her fashion magazine.

So Hazel _does_ have a backbone. Something tells me she's going to get a fucking earful from the Queen Bee later on. I pushed Paige's forgotten sandwich away and wrinkled my nose. "Tuna. Disgusting."

Nobody said anything. They just stared at me openly. Even Spinner looked pensive for once. The rest just looked sad.

"What?" I snapped, suddenly aware of just how many eyes were on me.

Nobody said anything.

"_What?_" I pressed.

Jimmy was the first to break the silence. "So... how about that hockey game?"

Lame. Way lame.

"I'm going to go get a yogurt," I announced.

Every head whipped towards me. It was like I had announced I was dying or pregnant or something. Everyone stared at me with the same horrific expression on their face. As if they couldn't believe they I was actually going to get something to eat.

Suddenly Marco's face broke into a relieved grin and he nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, a yogurt! Yeah! What flavor? Blueberry? Strawberry? Maybe peach?"

I gave him a weird look before walking towards the lunch line. Nikki and Towerz were standing next to the fridges, and I walked up behind them.

"Do _you_ want a milkshake?"

"Mmm. What flavor?"

"I dunno. Chocolate?"

Nikki laughed, and he bent over to whisper something in her ear. I raised an eyebrow and cleared my throat when Nikki started to hook her finger through his belt loop. They jumped apart and turned around to face me.

"What's going on?" I asked curiously.

Nikki's face reddened; Towerz looked at his shoes. "Nothing," she stammered slightly.

I sighed and reached forward to pull open the fridge and grab a yogurt. Nikki leaned casually against the table, and Towerz left us alone.

"So..." she began.

I looked up at her as I settled for a low-fat peach yogurt. "Yeah?"

She opened her mouth as if she were going to say something but decided against it. "Nothing. Well, Sean's probably missing me so..."

I watched as she rushed back to the table and planted a huge kiss on Sean's cheek. I looked down at my yogurt and felt the familiar tug in my chest.

"That all, sweetheart?" Sheila gave me a harried look.

I glanced down at the yogurt and nodded. "Yeah."

* * *

"Mom? You okay?" I glanced warily at my mom as she poured herself another glass. She waved her hand around in an attempt to brush me off.

I put the plate of spaghetti in front of her and handed her a fork. "You should eat something, Mom."

"Just stop it," she groaned, putting her hand to her forehead, her shoulders hunched forward. I knelt down next to the coffee table and just looked at her. She looked old. Hopeless. She'd given up. Her left leg shook nervously and she blinked her eyes furiously as she stared at the cordless phone sitting on the table. She was waiting for him to call. She was going to be waiting forever.

I ran a finger along a tiny hole in my fishnets. It was right in the middle of my thigh. I had another one on my chin on the other leg. I was wearing the same camouflage skirt I had been wearing when Paige found me cutting in the bathroom. As if that even matters. As if any of this really matters. The only thing that matters is your pride. And I don't even have that. I gave it up to be Marco and Ashley's best friend, Sean's girlfriend, Paige's charity case, and my mom's crutch. I gave it up to be everything to everybody and ended up nothing to myself.

But maybe I'm just feeling a little too sorry for myself.

My mom started crying as the phone remained silent and suddenly the room was stifling. I've never been good with crying. It's scary. It makes you vulnerable, and I've always been taught that you never show anybody just how vulnerable you really are. And here my mom is going against her own motto.

"I- I have to get out of here,"I announced, even though I knew she wouldn't even give a shit.

I grabbed my zip-up and pulled it on as I walked up the driveway. As perverse as it sounds, sometimes I wish someone would just drive up and abduct me. That way I wouldn't have to deal with any of this ever again, and it wouldn't be on my conscious that I had abandoned everyone. I could just be a completely different person that isn't so disappointing. I doubt anyone would even miss me.

It took me awhile to get into town, and when I got there I had no idea what I had come for. I sighed and turned around in the middle of the sidewalk, taking in the different shops and restaurants around me, trying to find somewhere to go.

"Ellie?"

I froze in mid-pivot and slowly turned my head towards the direction of the voice. My dad stared back at me, briefcase in hand and lines across his forehead. "Hi," I greeted flatly.

His face broke into a small grin and he reached forward to give me a hug. I took a step back and crossed my arms, the entire time the voice in my head telling me I was being a complete bitch, but who listens to that voice anyway?

My dad coughed and stood awkwardly in front of me. "So... What are you doing here?"

"Free country," I snapped back.

He shook his head and gave me a worried look. "You okay?"

"Fine."

"Mom?"

"What do you care?" I could feel my insides boiling. I was going to lose it any second. My mouth screwed up and started to shake, and I forced myself to calm down before I broke apart.

"My- my apartment's on the next street. You- you should come up."

I shrugged and followed him. It didn't take long to reach the small yet stylish apartment complex. I trudged up the steps, dreading what I was going to see. Behind that door would be my dad's new life. One where there isn't any room for me or Mom. He shoved his key into the door and unlocked it, stealing a glance at me. "Have you been sleeping? Are you eating enough?"

I shook my head in anger and started to back away from him, set on just leaving his sorry ass. He reached out and grabbed my arm, dragging me back towards him.

"Sorry! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. Please, just come inside."

I hesitated at the top of the stairs, pondering whether or not to trust him.

"I won't say anything. I promise."

I turned around slowly and walked back to him. He smiled and put a hand on the back of my neck, ushering me into the apartment. He excused himself to the bedroom, and I stood still in the small foyer. I took a minute to just look around and take it in. It all looked so... empty. There was a chair and a TV in the living room. I headed towards the kitchen, curious as to whether or not there was more than just the small table and solitary chair. I checked the faucet and made sure it had running water. It did. I went through the cabinets one by one, checking their contents. Nothing. Nothing at all. Puzzled, I threw open the refrigerator door. I was relieved to see a takeout container and a six-pack of beer.

"Not too impressive, huh?"

I spun around and crossed my arms behind my back, feeling guilty all of a sudden, like I had just been caught doing something bad. My dad must have sensed my uneasiness because he cocked his head and sighed.

"I'm not really here a lot."

"Oh?" I swallowed hard. What was he going to say next? That he was out having a good time with all his friends? That he'd already found a girlfriend? The thought of my dad doing anything without my mom tore me apart inside.

"Yeah." He pulled out the kitchen table and sat down in it, looking incredibly defeated. "I don't really like hanging around here, you know? I've been staying longer at the office, hanging out at the sports bar down the street, working out... You know. I- I'm actually going to see if there's any need for more help down in Sudan. There's been some fighting between civilians down there and peace keeping's become a priority and..."

"Are you kidding me?" I blurted out. My hands were no longer clasped behind my back but tightly clenched at my sides. My whole body shook with the force his words threw at me. He was- he was thinking about leaving again. _Again_.

"It would only be for a few weeks. Maybe a month or two. And it's completely safe and-..."

"Tell that to the families of the soldiers that _die_ everyday in Sudan. Just last week, a guy named David Harris died while handing out food and water to civilians. He was a father and a _husband_ and now his family has- And you _want_ to go over there? What about us?"

"Ellie, listen, I-..."

"Just let me talk for once without interrupting me!" I screamed. "How do you live with yourself? You've already abandoned us and now you're trying to make mom a widow. You're pushing her to drink again, and I have to take care of it, and I just can't do-..."

My dad shot out of his chair and came towards me. "Is she drinking again?"

I wrenched my shoulders out of his grasp and stared hard at him. I could say the truth. I could tell him just how bad it is and just how much we miss him. "No. She's fine. She's back at work, she's smiling, she's _great_," I spat at him. There. See how it feels to be unwanted.

His shoulders dropped and he smiled sadly. "Well, that's good..."

It was a lie. He wanted her to be miserable. He wanted her to be drinking again. He wanted to save her. He wanted, _needed_, her to be needed. That's how my dad's always been. He loves to just come in and make everything okay again. It's his nature to be that knight in shining armor. And my mom played the damsel in distress act so well.

"We could order some food or something, Ellie..."

That was the last straw. "I'm out of here," I announced before stalking off to the door. I ignored his pleas to just hang out with him for another hour. If he can just leave as easily as he did, so can I.

**Ashley**

I watched as she trudged into the school, poker-faced. Her hair was pulled back neatly into a ponytail and all her signature jewelry was in place, but anyone who looked closely enough could tell she was falling apart. No amount of makeup could hide the circles under her eyes that had reached a dangerous shade of grey or the way her zip-up hung off of her body. Even her tights were baggy, and she walked without the usual swing in her arms. She just didn't look herself, no matter how hard she tried.

She practically walked right past me. I don't even think she realized I was standing there, and she was a mission to get somewhere. Her pace had quickened to a determined stomp. But I wasn't about to let her go right by me. I jogged up and greeted her, trying to keep up with the menacing pace she was setting.

"Huh?"

"I said hey," I repeated.

She blinked slowly before breaking into a smile. "_Oh_. Hey!"

"You okay?"

The smile dropped from her face. "Fine," she answered shortly.

I could tell she wanted me to drop the whole concerned act, but it's not that easy. I crossed my arms and sighed. "You want to hang out tonight? Go see a movie or you can come over and- My mom misses seeing you."

She smiled and looked up at me. "I'd like to, but I can't. I have other stuff."

"Oh." I wanted her to tell me what other stuff she had, but she didn't offer any more information. "Well... maybe tomorrow? Or this weekend?"

She nodded but looked preoccupied. "Yeah. Sure. Listen, I have to go."

"Okay." She ran off before I even had a chance to say I'd see her in class.

You know how everyone always says you shouldn't take tiny moments for granted? That you shouldn't just expect to see somebody again because they can be taken away from you in a split second? Well, that's how I feel it is with Ellie. One minute I think she's fine, and the next minute something is taking her away from me. From all of us. I don't know what's going on with her right now, but I intend to find out. I'm trying to handle this the right way by not getting into her business and not ratting her out, but is that right? Is it right to just stand by and watch her harm herself by doing God knows what? When is the time for me to be quiet and when is the time for me to speak up?

* * *

I took my seat in English class in between Paige and Ellie. Great. This is going to be an interesting hour... I could just _feel_ the animosity between the two as they sat in their seats, waiting for class to begin. Ellie was writing something in her notebook, and Paige was angrily flipping through a fashion magazine, making sure to create noise. The whole thing was rather childish, and I hate always having to be in the middle of them. But to be honest, Ellie is going through a lot more stuff than Paige is at the moment, so I've been more focused on catering to her lately.

Suddenly the door flew open, and Ms. Kwan flew in, eyes wild and hands clenched in fists. She huffed a little at her desk, slamming books down, shuffling through papers, and I threw Paige a wide-eyed look. Paige shrugged and put down her magazine, suddenly interested in what had the English teacher in such a fury.

"Ms. Kwan?" Paige asked out loud.

Ms. Kwan looked up from her desk and seemed to remember where she was exactly. "Oh!" She gasped, tucking a strand of hair back into her bun. "Well... yes... we have class. Um, get out your copies of _Hamlet_ and... uh..."

Paige raised her hand again and flipped her hair behind her shoulder. "Ms. Kwan, are you okay? Is there something going on?"

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I guess it'll be public knowledge soon enough... Due to recent financial problems, school budgets are going to have to be cut. The school district has decided that the only fund that can take such a setback is the arts fund."

"What does that mean exactly?" I asked nervously. Somehow, I knew this was going to be bad.

And the expression on Ms. Kwan's face only added to my fear. "It means that the art program at Degrassi is going to have to be cut and-..."

"_That's ridiculous!_"

I whipped my head around to my left and stared in shock at the outburst that had just come from Ellie. Her breathing was ragged as she brought herself to a standing position and looked around the room.

"Ellie, I understand that you're upset but-..."

"I'm not _upset_. I'm outraged. I mean, they can't do that." Her forehead was wrinkled and her fists clenched and unclenched as if she were trying to calm herself down to some extent. It wasn't working.

I shot my hand up and voiced my opinion. "I agree. You can't just take away the art program from a school because-..."

"Oh, _boo hoo_. It's _art_." Spinner's annoying voice commented from the back row.

Ellie and I both show daggers at him, and she crossed her arms. "So because it's _art_ it's not important?"

"Exactly. Nobody cares about art. So we don't have to go to the art show this year. Big, huge bummer. I say good riddance."

"Spinner, the only reason you hate the art program is because you got a huge boner during drama class. Don't worry, we all understand why you'd be a little embarrassed..."

The entire class cracked up at Ellie's latest insult towards Spinner; even Ms. Kwan had to squelch a smile at the memory of the incident in drama class. Spinner's face turned bright red, and Jimmy slammed his fist down on the table as his entire body shook.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... Laugh at the little man..." Spinner glared.

That just erupted a whole new case of laughter in the classroom, and Spinner realized his awkward choice of words. Ellie rolled her eyes but didn't bother laughing again. From the look on her face, it was clear she was over cracking jokes at Spinner's expense.

"Whatever," she began again. "Doesn't anyone care about the issue at hand?"

I stood up along with her. "Yeah, just imagine if it was the _athletic_ budget being cut. How many of you would be upset then?"

The entire room flared into chaos. Suddenly, students were shouting out complaints and challenging the decision. Paige and Hazel started to worry about their spirit squad; Jimmy scoffed that anyone would get rid of basketball.

"Notice the effect that statement had?" I mused.

Ellie laughed bitterly at my side.

"So, you're saying that the art program is more important than the athletic program?" Jimmy challenged harshly. The entire class, including Ellie, was shocked by his angry tone. Normally Jimmy was laid-back and mellow. Only something really important could fire him up.

Ellie shook her head. "That's _not_ what we're saying. It's just funny how everyone gets riled up at the thought of not being able to watch a basketball game or wrestling match, but what about not getting to see Marco in the latest drama production or Craig in the talent show? Art is important to people, too, but nobody seems to care."

Craig shot forward in his seat. "Wait... So if they get rid of the art program then it also affects the music program?"

Ms. Kwan shook her head sadly. "I'm afraid it would. They're not exactly sure what's going to happen yet, but it looks like a lot of classes are going to be cut. And we can say goodbye to anymore plays or musicals..."

"What about the teachers? I mean, with classes being cut, doesn't that put their jobs in danger?" Ellie was obviously concerned about a few of the teachers she had.

Ms. Kwan shrugged and put her palms up, wanting to end the conversation. We all knew what that meant. It meant that what Ellie had just said was true, and Ms. Kwan was too scared to admit it. Ellie and I sat back down as Ms. Kwan urged us to let her continue with the lesson, but we were too upset to pay attention in class. I was thinking of what exactly this whole budget cut meant when I felt a sharp elbow jab itself into my side. I resisted the urge to call out in pain and, instead, sent a sharp look to Ellie as I rubbed my side. She gestured with her eyebrows towards a small piece of folded paper on my notebook. I nodded and unfolded it, curious as to what she had to say to me. I mean, just before in the hallway she didn't have much to talk about.

_Ash- We have to do something. Pow-wow during lunch. - El_

I grabbed my pen and responded.

_Sure. Meet me in the cafeteria? I'll buy lunch._

It was a long shot. Even with this whole budget drama, I wasn't allowed to let Ellie's own problems out of my sight. I slid the note back over to her; she responded immediately.

_No, the library is better. I'll see you!_

I was tempted to try and convince her to just let me buy her lunch, but I knew I would onlybe going into unsettling territory. Ellie and I are getting along and actually _doing_ something together. I can't remember the last time I actually got to hang out with her and have her give me her full attention. I guess it hasn't been since New Year's... Whenever the last time was, I'm not willing to upset her and give up this time together just because she's lost some weight.

I snuck a glance at her out of the corner of my eye. Her beg was bouncing like crazy, and she was grasping her pen so hard it looked like she could break it any second. I noticed the clenching in her jaw and just how sharp her facial features had become. Her bony wrists, her sharp elbows, her hollow cheeks...

I tore my eyes away from her and forced them to remain on the notebook in front of me. I found myself drawing jagged lines on the paper as I tried to force the sight of her out of my mind. How did any of us let this go on for so long? Why hadn't we seen what was right before us? And if we had any suspicion before, why didn't we follow through? Why did we give up so easy?

* * *

I walked into the library to find Ellie already seated, scribbling furiously in a notebook. I set my lunch bag on the table and took a seat next to her. She didn't even notice me. I leaned over and looked at what she was writing.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"It's an opinion piece for _The Grapevine_. It's going to go in the next edition. Front page."

"Liberty went for it?"

"Liberty's only half an editor, and she's a fan of the theatre. How could she say no?"

I laughed and pulled out my tub of cottage cheese and peaches. "Want some?" I waved the container under her nose.

She flew back from the table and stood up angrily. "Gross, Ash. I _hate_ cottage cheese. How can you even _think_ about eating at a time like this?"

I shrugged and popped a peach in my mouth. "Sorry, but I'm not much help on an empty stomach. You should really eat. You don't want to get your energy level down."

"I'm _fine_," Ellie snapped before sitting back down. She brought her knees up to rest on the edge of the table and began writing in her notebook again. She snickered a little at something she wrote, and I looked at her thoughtfully. She arched an eyebrow but didn't stop writing. "I can feel you staring at me."

I laughed and stuffed a chip in my mouth. "Now you know how it feels. I _always_ feel you staring at me."

"It must be women's intuition or something." She paused for a second. "Thanks for... you know. Helping me."

I was surprised by the sudden sincerity Ellie was showing me. I thought that all sincerity between us had been lost awhile ago. I don't know why... I just did. "Your welcome," I accepted the gratuity.

She gave me a quick smile before furrowing her eyebrows and going back to her article. We sat in silence for awhile. She was busy writing, and I was busy pondering her situation. Or supposed situation. Or... what was going on with her exactly? Was there a situation?

You know what? No more lies. No more brushing it under the rug. There _is_ a situation with her, and it's pretty damn serious. I'm not going to be the one to deny it any longer.

Suddenly a messenger bag was thrown onto the table, and Marco collapsed into a chair. "Here you are. I've been looking all over for you two. What are we going to do? If I don't get to be in the play next year, I'll just _die_. Are they seriously going to cut the program? I mean, can they really do that? Because I was thinking that maybe it's just a scare, and it's not really going to happen..."

"Marco? Stop," Ellie ordered. She set down her notebook and clasped her hands in front of her, suddenly looking very poised and businesslike. Or as poised and businesslike as she _could_ look with the exhausted look in her eyes. "They can do it. And they're going to do it..."

"But it _sucks_. It's not fair!"

"_Unless_, we do something about it. I'm talking protest. Seriously."

"Protest?" I wrinkled my nose. "Are you sure?"

"Definitely. But leave all those details up to me. You guys? You guys just have to support me, okay?"

"Of course!" Marco and I responded together.

**Marco**

She wasn't even concentrating on what I was saying. I knew that. But I kept talking anyway because I was afraid that if I stopped talking about meaningless stuff that I would blurt out just how scared I am for her. It's not just about the eating anymore, either. It's about other stuff. Like just how much she's thrown herself into this whole "protest" thing. She couldn't talk about anything else today, and I haven't seen her that caught up in something in a long time. And I hate to see her get her hopes up when chances are she's going to be let down. And when Ellie's let down- she's let down _hard_.

I didn't even think about what I was doing until I felt my fingers close around her hand. She jumped in surprise and looked at me. I stared back down at her and lifted the corner of my mouth in what I hoped was a comforting grin. We couldn't take our eyes off each other as we walked down the street to my house- to "plan", as she put it.

I tried to send her a signal or something along those lines that would convince her to just trust me enough to tell me what was going on inside that head of hers. Her expression turned vulnerable, and I realized that she had received my message.

"Marco?" She began softly.

"Yeah?" I whispered hoarsely. We stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, and I took a step closer to her.

Suddenly the softness in her eyes was replaced with a hardened look, and she gave a quick laugh that was painful to hear, almost like a choking gargle. "Nothing," she concluded.

"Oh," I was disappointed, but I knew better than to push her. Ellie hates being pushed. But she sure knows how to push people.

We entered my house, and my mom greeted us with an after-school snack. I watched as my mom made a fuss over how skinny Ellie had gotten. I realized that it had been awhile since my mom had seen her.

"You must stay for dinner. Poor thing. Are you getting enough to eat?"

I almost laughed at how funny it was to hear my mom ask that question. I clamped my mouth shut but couldn't contain a small snort. Thankfully, neither my mom or Ellie heard it. I listened in amazement as Ellie made up some story about how she'd been sick lately, probably with the flue. The lies rolled so easily off the tongue of my honest best friend. And anyone who hadn't seen the transformation she had gone through would have trusted her. Nobody could distrust that open and sweet face.

I hate myself for being a coward and letting it get this far. I shouldn't have denied it for so long. I'm sure it pains Ellie to hear herself lie this way. She's always hated lies. And here she is- the biggest liar of them all. I bet she hates herself. How can she not hate this monster she's become? This lying, sneaky, selfish, controlling monster who sucks the life out of everything she touches. This vampire. How dare she let herself change this way. How dare she let it get this far. And how dare she make me feel this way. She _must_ hate herself.

And you know what? I think I hate her, too.

**An extra long chapter! yay! I hope you guys like it because I loved writing it. I was even going to make it longer but decided for story purposes that ending here would be better. I already have a lot of the next chapter planned out and can't wait to start working on it, but it'll probably take me awhile to get on here because it'll also be pretty long and will take a lot of energy to write!**

**I'm not sure how funding is at Canadian schools but I needed something that would interest Ellie and upset her for story purposes. I really couldn't think of anything else and Ellie seems like the character who would be really angry with this funding decision. Plus, it's a way to really get some interaction between her and Ashley and Marco. **

**Next chapter: Probably take place a week later... Ellie is really going to throw herself into this art program thing. Ashley and Marco are going to see her outrageous, controlling behavior first-hand and become REALLY worried. Marco will confront Ellie. Ellie's going to still be dealing with things at home. Ellie's going to confess something to Marco. And Ellie and her dad will talk again. **

**I HOPE you guys liked this chapter. Please give me feedback because I'd like to know if it worked out well. Thanks for your amazing reviews thus far!**


	57. In the Deep

**Chapter 57: In the Deep**

_Thought you had  
all the answers  
to rest your heart upon.  
But something happens,  
don't see it coming, now  
you can't stop yourself.  
Now you're out there swimming...  
In the deep.  
In the deep. _

**Ellie**

I shuffled my feet impatiently as I waited for Marco, Ashley, and Craig to meet me by the library. We had a lot of stuff to talk about. It had already been a week since Ms. Kwan had announced to us that the school was having financial problems and the art program was set to be cut. A week and, so far, not much progress had been made. We handed around a petition to get signed, and my article was set to be published in _The Grapevine_ this week but nothing else. I racked my brain for ideas as I leaned against the wall.

"Thinking?"

I snapped my eyes opened and stared back at Sean. He hadn't tried to talk to me since the scene in the hallway last week. I raised my eyebrows in shock and pushed myself away from the wall, straightening up. "Something like that."

"About?"

I was ready to dismiss the question and not burden Sean with all the gory details, but decided against it at the last moment. Maybe Sean could give me some new insight on the matter. "Actually, I was thinking about the school district's plan to cut the art program here."

"Really? Why?"

"Finance trouble. Boring stuff with drastic results."

He shrugged. "Sounds like it."

"But don't worry about it because it's not going to happen. I'll make sure of that."

Sean laughed, "Okay, _Emma_."

"Hey!" I punched him lightly in the shoulder but couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Just something about the moment was making me so... happy. He made a big show of rubbing his shoulder, and I thought of how long it'd been since we'd hung out. My shoulders slouched at the thought. I guess it is _my_ fault... I haven't exactly been the most fun person to be around lately. It's just hard to deal with everything going on in my life right now.

Sean leaned against the wall next to me and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "So... would you want to eat lunch together today?"

"I can't. I'm putting together a plan of action with Marco and Ash."

"What about tonight? We can get a pizza and maybe I'll even let-..."

I spotted Marco and Ashley rushing towards me. "Oh! I have to go Sean. Good talking to you."

He grabbed my wrist and held me back. "Tonight?"

I pulled my arm free and shook my head. "I can't. I'm way too busy. Maybe-..."

Sean's eyes flashed. "You know, this is exactly what went down with Emma. She was way too busy taking care of everybody that she never had time for me."

"Stop comparing me to her. This is really important, Sean. Why don't you understand that?"

"And I'm not? Have fun saving art or whatever. I'm through."

"That's not fair!"

"No. What's not fair is that you can't even give up a half hour of lunch for me. I don't fit in your schedule? Fine, I won't make room for you in mine."

I didn't bother retaliating. He wasn't going to listen to me no matter what I said. Instead, I turned towards Marco and Ashley. "Okay, did you guys come up with anyone else we could do?"

Ashley shrugged uncomfortably and didn't respond. Marco put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently. "If you don't feel up to having this meeting right now, we can just-..."

I stepped backwards out of his reach and wrapped my arms around my waist. "I'm fine. What happened with Sean was nothing."

"Nothing? You sure?"

"Marco, I'm _fine_. Now can we please get back to business?" I snapped, unnerved by his concern.

Marco and Ashley shared a look. I know they probably think that I'm lying to myself if I believe that what just happened with Sean was nothing. After all, he looked seriously hurt. A flash of guilt went through me as I thought about how I'd been ignoring him. But it's not like I'm _meaning_ to ignore him. I just have a lot of other things on my plate right now between school and my parents and now _this_. Whatever. I really just can't think about it right now.

Marco put his hands up in mock surrender. "As long as you say you're fine."

"Okay. Good. Now, I was thinking last night and what about-..." I rambled off, trying to forget about the guilt spreading through my stomach, leaving behind a gnawing pain.

* * *

I crossed my legs under my desk and leaned forward on my elbows, fighting to stay awake. My leg bounced up and down, my attempt to keep myself from falling face first into my desk by staying active. Too bad it really wasn't working. Just as I felt my eyelids drooping completely shut, I felt a sharp stab in arm.

"Ow!" I squeaked and rubbed at the spot on my arm where Spinner had just stabbed his pencil.

"Wake up. Mr. Link is giving you _the eye_." He gestured towards the AP History teacher with his head and went back to paying attention to the lecture.

I frowned and picked my pen back up, prepared to start taking notes. Instead, all I could think about was Sean and the school budget and what my mom was doing right now. Is Sean ever going to speak to me again? Is this whole school budget ordeal even fixable? And is my mom hanging with Jose or Jack right now? My hand clenched my pen until I thought I was going to snap it, and I released it back onto my desk.

"Miss Nash?"

I looked up, caught off guard. "Huh?"

"Do you care to enlighten the rest of the class?"

"About?"

"About the Nuremberg Trials? You know, what I've been talking about for the last forty minutes?"

I looked around the rest of the class. All eyes were on me as Mr. Link basically chewed me out for not paying attention. I should have expected it. Mr. Link can be a huge asshole when he wants to be. I felt my pulse quicken and my cheeks start to heat up. Right now, I couldn't even begin to describe the Nuremberg Trials. Right now, all I can think about is Sean, the school, my mom...

"Uh," I tried to form some sort of reply but nothing came to mind. "Uh..." I looked around again as everyone show me pity looks. Even Spinner seemed embarrassed for me. All of a sudden, I felt like I was going to pass out.

Mr. Link sighed with frustration and walked away from my desk. "Can anyone summarize what I've said about the Nuremberg Trials? Spinner?"

I listened as Spinner summarized the entire lesson, complete with names and dates. My cheeks flushed even more at the thought of Spinner beating me at something. _Spinner_. Suddenly, I felt useless. And pathetic. Since when did Spinner become so smart? He tossed me a smirk when Mr. Link turned back to the board, and I tried my best to roll my eyes. I failed miserably. Instead I stared at my blank notebook and focused on not screaming in frustration.

The bell rang, and I jumped up, ready to get the hell out of the classroom before anyone else. I was almost out of the doorway when I heard Mr. Link call my name.

"I need to speak with you, Miss Nash."

I heard a few people let out the collective "oohs" as they walked out of the door, giggling. I set my chin in defiance and walked over to his desk, racking my brain for any excuse to use, but I came up empty.

"I've noticed your lack of participation these past few weeks."

"Oh?" It's all I could come up with. Oh. How original. How helpful. I wanted to smack myself.

"Is there something going on?"

I didn't answer. I just stared back at him. If this is the part where I was supposed to break down and share all my problems, I wasn't going to play the game. He has no business to my home life or my love life (or lack thereof).

He sighed with frustration again and opened his grade book. "Fine. Here's your participation grade for this week so far. And for last week. And the week before that. Miss Nash, I think you can see the drop. Do I have to remind you that this is an AP class and participation counts as 25 of your grade? You're walking a fine line, Miss Nash."

I nodded, not even really paying attention to what he was saying. He gave me one last look before closing the book and standing up.

"Well, that's all. Just keep in mind that participation counts and, so far this semester, your attempts haven't been impressive."

I walked quickly out of the room. The blood was rushing to my head. I'll be fine. Everything's going to be just fine.

I veered to my right and slammed through the door to the bathroom and stalked into a stall, closing the door behind me. I leaned up against the cool metal and put a shaking hand to my forehead. _I don't care. I don't care at all. I don't care. I do- I _do_ care. _I dropped the hand and slammed it into the door behind. I felt _this_ close to just throwing a private temper tantrum. I wanted to stamp my feet and hit the wall and cry. Instead, I practiced some breathing exercises and tried to find my inner peace. I tried to think of good things. _Let's see. Let's see. Good things. Good things. _Nothing came to mind, though. I was coming up short on good things in my life at the moment.

Well.

I have Marco. And I have Ashley. That's good. And I'm sure I still have Alex. I mean, she's not going to avoid me now just because I'm on the outs with Sean, is she? _No. She wouldn't_. Feeling a little better, I unlocked the stall door and strolled up to the mirror to check my appearance. I pulled my hair out of its ponytail and put it up again. I pinched my pale cheeks to add some color to them, but I still looked horrible. I squinted at my reflection. _Of course you look horrible. Look at yourself. _I scrutinized every inch of my face before stepping back and doing the same to my body. My hands fell on my stomach, and I grimaced at the bulge over the waistband of my skirt. _No wonder everyone has it in for you. _I turned to my side and bit my lip. I looked _fat_.

I shook my head and turned away from the mirror. No. I had to get to class. I checked my watch and realized I'd already been late to class by twenty minutes. Had I really just spent twenty minutes in here? There's no way I could walk into class this late. Instead, I walked towards the stall again and locked it behind me. I crouched down and held my hair away from my face as I jammed two fingers down my throat.

**Alex**

"Watch it!" I snapped at whoever had just run into me. I looked down at my feet and saw Ellie Nash sitting on the ground and completely disoriented. I rolled my eyes and reached a hand out to help her up. "Here."

She took it gratefully, and I pulled her up effortlessly. She brushed her skirt off before looking up at me, a funny look on her face.

"What?"

She shook her head slightly and sidestepped around me. "Nothing. Um, I'm going to be late for class or something."

I checked my watch and laughed. "I think you're late by forty minutes. Class ends in fifteen. You might as well just not go. Hang with me."

She shifted her weight from one foot to the other and adjusted the bag strap around her shoulder, mulling it over in her mind. I let out a sigh and shrugged. "Whatever. I don't have time for this."

"Wait!" She stumbled up next to me and smiled. "Yeah, I'll hang."

"Cool." I wrapped an arm around her in a spontaneous effort to be friendly, but it felt too awkward so I took it away. "Let's hang on the back steps. I need a smoke."

I led her down one of the less-used hallways and past a few classrooms where the teachers always had their doors closed. We burst through the doors laughing at the impression I had been making of Mr. Radditch and collapsed onto the stairs. I pulled out my Marlboro Lights from my pocket and lit one, offering it to Ellie. She hesitated for a second before snatching it and taking a hit. She closed her eyes and leaned back, a look of calmness coming over her.

"You've been quiet," I observed after three minutes.

She opened her eyes and gave me a small smile. "I was just thinking that this is exactly what I needed to calm me down."

"Calm you down from what?"

"... Life."

I snorted and took a hit, marveling in the wave of calmness that washed over me. I actually felt stability in that one second. "How's life hectic for you these days?"

She shrugged and ashed her cigarette. "School, my parents, other stuff..."

"Other stuff. Right. What about _Sean_?"

She grimaced and continued to stare at the cement steps. "What about Sean?"

"You just haven't been around lately."

"I've had a lot of other shit to deal with lately, okay?" She shot back at me, defensively.

I sent her a look. "No need to get all bitchy. I was just saying..."

"Yeah, well... I don't think Sean's going to want me around anytime soon."

"Yeah, I heard from Jay. That's how he is, though, you know? He needs attention."

"Well, so do other things."

"What other things?" I pressed. Something told me that something big was going on, and while I don't usually care about other people's problems, this is Ellie; I like to think that we've bonded a little since she started going out with Sean even if our friendship only consisted of going to movies and trying on sunglasses and drinking a few beers at a party.

"Spit it out, Nash."

She looked up from her lower step and squinted at me in the sun. "My dad moved out."

She stated it so matter-of-factly, like she was mentioning the weather or the time. It sounded like she didn't care at all. But if I know Ellie Nash, and I like to think I know her a little, it was most likely killing her inside. I know how much she adores her dad, and I know how much living with just her mom hurts her. Her mom...

"How's your mom taking it?"

She laughed out loud. "Not well... She's drinking again," she admitted.

She didn't look at me this time. She looked straight ahead and sighed. "We better get to class." She threw down her unfinished cigarette and stood up, smoothing out her skirt. She looked down at me, still sitting on the steps. "What?"

My eyebrows were furrowed as I stared up at her. Why was she so calm this time? And why the _hell_ did she tell me all this? Never has she volunteered information like this before. Never. "Why'd you tell me?"

She gave me a real smile. "I knew you wouldn't care."

I didn't know what to say to that.

"Come on."

"You go ahead. I'm going to smoke another one."

She shrugged and went back inside the school, leaving me to think about what she had just said. Why didn't she think I'd care about her parents? I mean, I'm not that horrible of a person, am I? I'm loyal to my friends. Just because I'm not all touchy-feely and Dear Abby like Marco doesn't mean that I don't give a shit. I lit another cigarette in frustration. It kind of hurts that Ellie doesn't think I care I about her. I'm not going to lie. It hurts.

**Craig**

I set my tray down and ripped immediately into my bag of chips. "What's up, guys?"

Three sets of eyes turned towards me. Ashley shrugged and lazily stabbed her fork into her spaghetti, Marco rested his head against his hand and blinked his eyes slowly, and Ellie kept on talking as she acknowledged me.

"... so I think it could be a good thing. We can ask people to donate money and charge for tickets. Maybe some local venues will sponsor the event also. And then-..."

"What event?" I cut in. Marco and Ashley shot me daggers. I blushed. "What? Was I not supposed to ask?"

Ellie looked at me thoughtfully before giving me a big smile. "Craig. Buddy. You can _definitely_ help with this."

I lifted an eyebrow and leaned forward. "You're being awfully friendly. What's going on?"

She took a deep breath before going into her story. "Well, you know how the art program is being cut, but I'm not going to let that happen. _We_ aren't going to let that happen. I've already come up with a _ton_ of ideas to raise awareness and money, including a concert. We're going to get together some musical acts from the school and maybe even a few local bands. In between songs we're going to have dramatic scenes. Almost like a talent show. We'll charge for tickets and ask for donations. You up for it?"

I finished swallowing my goulash and nodded. "Of course. When is it?"

"I'm not sure. I still have to get it approved. Thank God I have the school president on my side. Marco, you need to schedule an appointment with Mr. Radditch to discuss this. Ashley, I need you to ask Ms. Kwan if she'll sponsor our efforts. And Craig, I need you to help me recruit musical acts."

Marco raised his hand. "Now that we have this sorted out, can we go back to talking about _normal_ things?"

I smirked and gave Ashley's shoulder a comforting squeeze as she pouted. "Is Ellie being a dictator?" I asked, sending a teasing look towards Ellie.

She frowned and shut her notebook. "I wouldn't say-..."

"Yes," Ashley and Marco replied in unison.

The three of us looked at each other and laughed, breaking some of the tension at the table. Ellie folded her arms and arched an eyebrow. She opened her mouth to say something but closed it after having a second thought. I tried to smile at her but she wouldn't look at me. She just hunched over her notebook and scribbled drawings on the cover.

"Did you guys hear about Ms. Hatzilakos and Mr. Radditch?" Marco leaned forward in excitement, forgetting about his lunch.

A chair screeched violently. We all turned our heads and watched as Ellie grabbed her bag and bottle of water. "On second thought, I'll just talk to Mr. Radditch and Ms. Kwan. I'll just do everything."

"Ellie-..." Ashley protested, and Marco tried to grab her arm as she walked by.

Their efforts were useless. She stalked out of the cafeteria, a girl on a mission. The atmosphere of the lunch table changed as Ashley and Marco gave each other worried looks and began to discuss Ellie's recent behavior.

"She's just way too into this."

"I didn't think she would care about it this much."

I shrugged. "Maybe she's just really passionate about it."

Marco shook his head solemnly. "She's been passionate about things before. Have you ever seen her show this much enthusiasm?"

If it were under any other circumstances I would have laughed because the words Ellie and enthusiasm usually don't mix. It takes a lot just to get her to crack a smile sometimes. And I _would_ have laughed if Marco and Ashley didn't look so damn concerned.

* * *

_Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles _

_till you... Let go. _

_Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,_

_and you throw yourself off. _

_Now you're out there spinning..._

_In the deep. _

_In the deep. _

**Ellie**

I quietly crept over to the couch and pulled the blanket off of the end, careful not to wake my mother up. I covered her up and planted a soft kiss on her forehead before clearing the coffee table of its beer cans and empty bottle of Tequila. I _knew_ she'd be hanging with Jose tonight. I just knew it. I threw away the trash and paused in the doorway of the kitchen and living room. _It's not always going to be like this, Mom. It'll get better. I promise._ I looked at her one more time before grabbing my coat and heading out the door. I had to clear my head.

As I walked along the side of the road, I thought about all the things going on in my life. I thought about my fight with Sean, my argument with Marco and Ashley, my cigarette break with Alex, my AP History grade... And, of course, I thought about my dad. I wondered if he had eaten dinner tonight or if he had skipped it like I had. Maybe I would pass by his apartment complex and just see if the light was on. Maybe he was home. Maybe I could talk to him. Maybe I'd tell him the truth.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe not.

The air was chillier tonight than the past few nights. It stung my cheeks, and I could see little puffs of air in front of me as I breathed in and out. And although my knees were shaking as I took each step, the cold air felt good to me. It just made everything seem clearer to me or something. I found myself in the park when I finally stopped walking. I looked around in the dark and smiled, remembering the many times Sean and I had come here after dark. We'd run here from his house, laughing and caught up in just being together. I'd sit on the swing, and he'd push me lightly. We'd talk about our day and our future.

"_Why'd you stop?" I twisted my neck around to look at Sean._

_He grinned at me and softly kissed my shoulder and trailing his lips up to my earlobes. My eyes fluttered and closed as I let myself go to the feelings he was bringing out in me. I felt safe, cherished, wanted, carefree, happy, loved... Everything a person wants to feel. _

"_You know, there's only one thing I want in the future..." He whispered into my ear. _

_I leaned back into him from my perch on the swing and waited for him to go on._

"_You. I want you. I want a family with you."_

That was all we both wanted: a family. Sean and I had both gone so long without a real

family. All we wanted was the chance to have one and prove that we wouldn't screw it up. And the thought that Sean wanted that family to be with me had brought a smile to my face that night. It had brought a whole new dimension to our relationship. It wasn't just a high school romance like everyone told us. It was real.

I sat down on the swing, the same exact swing, and pumped my legs. I swung that way, testing how high I could reach, before stopping and just sitting, my legs dangling. What's in my future now? I'm not even sure I know anymore.

My thoughts were interrupted by a loud peal of laughter. I looked up with annoyance at whoever had ruined the mood. Two shadows came closer, locking their arms around each other and kissing. I frowned at the reminder of how I used to be with Se- Never mind. I can't think about that right now. I have other things to worry about.

I gripped the chains on the side of the swing and sighed, keeping still until the couple passed by. As much as they had bothered me, I didn't want to interrupt their personal moment either. Another shriek of laughter split through the air, and I sighed at my growing headache.

As soon as the couple passed the swings, I stood up and jammed my hands into the pockets of my leather coat. I'd walk around town a little more before heading home.

"STOP!"

I whipped my head around at the noise. I thought the girl had been talking to me, but she was focused on the boy swinging her around by the waist. She giggled and swatted playfully at his hands. "I mean it, stop!"

He set her down and pulled her in for a kiss. I shook my head and started to walk again. I'll admit, I was feeling sorry for myself. Doesn't everybody at some point? I should be happy. I really should. There are people out there who have problems far worse than mine. At least I have Marco and Ashley and Alex and, hell, I can even count on Craig and Jimmy. And Sean's happy. That's all that really matters. He has-

My body halted to a stop. Slowly, I pivoted in the direction of the mystery couple again. I squinted my eyes and took a few steps forward, careful not to make any noise. The couple was still obscure to my view, and I took more liberty in getting closer. Who cares if I looked like a total Peeping Tom?

I froze when I was able to make the girl and boy out, half from fear of being seen and half from shock. My eyes blinked slowly as I made sure it was really them. I didn't want it to be them because that meant that- God, it _was_ them. There was no mistake. I spun back around furiously and started to run. I thought I heard the girl call my name but maybe it was the wind.

**Sean**

I closed the door behind me, feeling exhilarated and tense all at once. We had pulled it off. We actually pulled it off. Okay, so really we just hung around and kept an eye out as the other guys broke into the store, but I'd grabbed the disc players and loaded them in the car as Jay and the others grabbed whatever valuable items we could find. I patted my pants pocket and smiled knowing that I had a full wad of cash just waiting to be spent.

"Those Pakis won't know what hit them," Jay chuckled, tossing his keys up in the air and catching them.

I rolled my eyes but laughed along anyway. I stopped when I saw Ellie standing on the porch. She stood up, shivering in the chilly air. Jay sent me a sideways look.

"What are you guys talking about?" Ellie asked, her teeth chattering a little. Her cheeks were flushed and strands of hair fell out of her ponytail and framed her face.

She looked beautiful.

"We just fucking ro-..."

"Nothing," I interrupted quickly. I gave Jay a "you're-an-idiot" look.

She nodded her head, searching my face for any clues to tell her I was lying. My face was blank. She looked back at the door that led into the apartment complex and fidgeted in her spot. "Can we go inside? I'm freezing."

Jay arched an eyebrow at me, but I ignored him. "Whatever," I muttered, squeezing past her to unlock the door.

"See you later, bro," Jay hit my fist before looking at Ellie. "You, too, Ho..."

He was just joking. She sneered at him, and he laughed as he strolled back to his car. We watched as Jay got in and drove off, making use of his multiple speakers. An awkward silence hung between us.

Ellie coughed, and I turned back around to open the door. We walked into the dark entry way and up the stairs to the second floor apartment. The stairs creaked under our footsteps. That noise- that _certain_ sound of creaking- left a hole in the pit of my stomach. It'd been awhile since the stairs creaked the way they do with Ellie.

I was nervous as I unlocked the door to my apartment. I don't know why but my hands shook a little, and I felt like a wimp. My right side was warm from her presence, and the poetic nature of this whole scene was enough to make me sick. Leave it to Ellie to make someone feel all warm and gooey and disgustingly emo. I shoved the door open and flipped on the lights. I waited as Ellie carefully stepped in and took a look around. It was only a matter of time before-

"What happened?" She looked around the apartment in amazement.

I kicked my shoes off and shrugged as I made my way through the piles of dirty clothes and pizza boxes that littered the floor. She trudged through the empty beer cases towards the couch and took a hesitant seat on the arm. I leaned against the kitchen counter and crossed my arms.

"So?"

"So what?"

"You came here for a reason, right?" _To apologize for being such a bitch, maybe? _

She glanced at her hands in her lap and nodded slightly. "Yeah, I wanted to talk to you."

I couldn't help the smug look on my face. It was going to sound nice to hear her apologize for once. I waited, my eyebrows lifted expectantly, as she shifted uncomfortably on the edge of the couch. "I have to tell you something."

I didn't say anything but waited for her to start talking. Her eyes finally met mine, and she gave me a sympathetic look. Suddenly, I wasn't looking forward to what she had to say.

"Nikki's cheating on you."

She said it so bluntly. There was no warning, no hesitance...

"Did you hear me?" She took a step forward.

"Yes, I heard you!" I snapped at her, my face reddening. She took a step back. I can't believe it. I can't even freaking believe it. I turned around and placed my hands on the counter, my shoulders heaving as I took in deep breaths. I was fuming. My nostrils were flaring, my hands were clenched, and I was shaking to try and keep me from lashing out.

I felt a hand come down on my back and start to rub circles gently.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

I spun around and knocked her hand off me. "Just- just leave me alone."

"You shouldn't be alone right now. We can go get some coffee or take a walk or we can just sit here and talk if you want. Do you want to do that? Just sit here and talk?"

I was seeing red in front of me. I shot her a disgusted look and stormed past her into the kitchen. I threw open the fridge and grabbed a beer. "You're just loving this, aren't you?"

"Why would I-..."

"Because you're you! You don't want to see me happy. _You're_ not happy so why should anyone else be? You think I deserve it, don't you?"

She crossed her arms furiously. "Why would I _want_ Nikki to be cheating on you? Do you really think I'm thathorrible? I'm your friend!"

"Some friend," I spat. I took a long drink from the can. "You couldn't wait to come over here and tell me. Why did you tell me?"

"Because I care about you! _I'd_ want to know."

"Well, I'm not you. Just get out. Seriously."

She threw her hands in the air. "Why are you mad at _me_? I didn't do anything wrong!" Her face scrunched up, and she gasped for a breath.

I turned away and grabbed another beer so I wouldn't have to see the look of desperation on her face. I almost felt bad for the way I was treating her. Almost. But hearing that my girlfriend is cheating on me feels shitty, and I don't really care about anyone else's feelings right now.

"Whatever. Bye," she muttered, pushing past me. My hand reached out to stop her, but I pulled away at the last second. She slammed the door behind her, and I pressed my forehead against it, feeling guilty and confused and crushed.

* * *

She already knew that Ellie told me. She walked up to me at my locker and gave me a sad look. "I'm sorry," Nikki murmured, her eyes big with worry.

"Whatever," I forced out. A headache was declaring war in my head, and all I wanted to do was sit at home and drink more.

"I can't believe she told you. She could have at least let me tell you."

"And would you have?" I barked. I shut my locker door forcefully.

She didn't answer, but she walked along side me. "Don't hate me."

"I don't," I answered truthfully. She gave me a grateful look. I didn't return the sentiment. "Just don't talk to me."

It wasn't until third period that I learned that Nikki had been cheating on me with Towerz. My very own friend. One of the crew. Jay gave me the news, and I shook my head- almost laughing at the whole thing. It was all too bizarre.

"I can't believe you're taking this... You actually seem okay with it," Jay commented.

I shrugged and set my tray down on the cafeteria table. "What do you want me to do? Cry? Run to Wasaga to my mommy? Dude, she's just a chick."

"Kind of a lame too..." Jay sneered. I gave him a surprised look. "Man, she was _weird_. Don't deny it."

"Shut up," I muttered, spooning some mashed potatoes into my mouth to distract me.

Alex set her tray down on the table and took a seat next to Jay. She glanced me over and leaned forward. "Is little Seany okay?"

"I'm fine," I answered bitterly. She chuckled.

"Nikki and Towerz. Weirdest Degrassi couple _ever_."

I rolled my eyes and curled my lip. "Just shut up about it, okay?"

She held her hands up in mock surrender. "Okay, okay... Jeez..."

I stabbed my fork into my corn again and again.

"So, how did you find out?" Alex asked curiously.

I gripped my fork harder. "Ellie told me."

"Is that why she came over last night?"

I nodded at Jay before shoving a pile of corn in my mouth, hoping that he and Alex wouldn't ask me anymore pointless questions.

"Is everything cool between you guys now?"

I glared at Alex. "No, everything is not _cool_ between us. There's nothing between us."

She folded her arms and leaned back in her seat. "I don't see why you're always pissed off at her. What the hell did she do to you?"

"He's pissed because she doesn't spend time with him anymore. He's feeling _left out_." Jay put a pout on his face and mocked me.

"That's such a friggin' lie," I hissed.

Alex laughed. "Look at him- all hunched over his tray and pouting. What a baby. Now he's _blushing_!"

I threw down my fork and crossed my arms. "I'm _not_ blushing. Why don't you guys just lay off?"

They shared a look before turning back to me. "Okay," Alex replied in mock seriousness.

I sighed with frustration as they continued to hassle me about Nikki, Towerz, and the current falling out with Ellie. I did my best to ignore them, looking around the cafeteria with over-exaggerated interest. I spotted Ellie at a corner table, leaning forward and talking with Marco, Ashley, and Craig. Her mouth was moving a mile a minute, and her eyes were wide with excitement. I swallowed hard and turned my attention back to Alex and Jay. I'd rather not think about her right now.

**Ellie**

"Caitlin already said it's a great idea. We just have to let her know when the different events will be taking place so she can put it in her schedule. So... I think that's it for today..." I squinted at the notes on my ledger pad before stuffing it back into my bag and looking up at my audience.

"Rumor has it that you told Sean that Nikki was cheating."

I rolled my eyes at Marco and stood up from the table. "I really don't feel like talking about this."

"You never feel like talking about anything."

I grabbed my coffee from the table and sighed. "I have to get to class. I'll talk to you guys later."

I gripped my coffee cup tightly as I made my way through the throngs of students in the hallway. Art class was next, and I'd have to see Nikki. I was not looking forward to this. I took a deep breath before walking into the art room, trying my best to look calm and collected, as if the fact that I ruined her relationship with Sean was no big deal.

She walked in a few minutes later as I was busy mixing my paints together, incredibly interested in the spectacular shade of blue I was creating. She pursed her lips and sidled up to me, arms folded across her chest and head tilted to the side.

"I don't appreciate you running your mouth to Sean."

I kept on mixing. "I don't appreciate you cheating on my friend."

She laughed mirthlessly. "Right. _Friend_."

I dropped my brush and turned to her, hands on hips- my usual mode of defense. "What's _that_ mean."

"Whatever you want it to mean."

I opened my mouth to say something but decided to just keep it shut for once. I didn't have to waste my breath on her. Nothing I could say would stop her from being angry with me anyway.

"You just couldn't wait to tell him. You probably ran the entire way."

I ignored her.

"You were just waiting for me to mess up so you could tear us apart. Congratulations."

"I set you up in the first place!" I couldn't believe she was being this unfair. What did she expect me to do? Let him believe their relationship was good and perfect?

"And then you got jealous. Face it. You're just jealous."

"You tear us apart and end up comforting him all night. That was what you thought would happen, right?"

"Well, it didn't. So, was it worth it?"

"Whatever. I have better things to do than talk with you."

I glared at her back as she retreated to the other side of the room. Did she honestly think that I could be jealous of her? Do I look like the jealous type? I shook my head in amusement as I took a seat on one of the stools, tucking my skirt under me. As if I could be jealous of her relationship with Sean when mine was so much better, so much more honest, so much more passionate, so... so perfect.

I let my head fall in my hands and resisted the urge to just scream out loud. Why the hell was I thinking about him right now? He doesn't want anything to do with me. And I don't _want_ him to want to have anything to do with me.

I have too many other things to deal with right now.

That thought drove my head to the table and right into my palette of blue paint.

* * *

I pressed the toilet paper down on my arm and watched as it soaked up some of the blood. The door to the bathroom slammed open with a loud bang and two pairs of footsteps walked in, heels clicking.

"I just don't see what the big deal is. She's not even that cute."

Paige. Definitely Paige. I grimaced at my luck. I threw the toilet paper into the toilet and used the toe of my boot to flush it.

"She's... nice, right?" Hazel replied uncertainly.

"Yeah, she's _nice_. Whatever. Ooh, I love that lip gloss, let me try some... Ugh, never mind. I look hideous in this shade."

I pulled down my sleeve and unlocked the stall door, taking my time to leave. Maybe if I did it this slow they would leave before I could open the door the entire way. No suck luck. I coughed quietly and made my way to the row of sinks.

"Hey, Ellie," Hazel greeted.

"Hi." I concentrated on lathering my hands with soap and washing them off. I stepped over to the towel dispenser.

"It's out of towels. Imagine that." Paige rolled her eyes and leaned towards the mirror to apply some blush.

I shook my hands off awkwardly before wiping them down on my skirt.

"Cute boots," Hazel complimented.

I looked down at my dark brown boots and shrugged. "Thanks."

She checked her watch and squealed. "Crap, I was supposed to meet my group before class. Gotta jet!" She wiggled her fingers at Paige's and my reflection.

I adjusted my bag on my shoulder and took a step towards the door before Paige stopped me.

"I usually don't do this, hun, but..." She trailed off.

I gazed back at her, my head swimming with thoughts.

"You're not actually going to make me say it are you?"

"Say what?" I had no idea what she was talking about. Since when did she even have anything to say to me, especially after lunch the other day?

She flipped her hair and pursed her lips at her reflection in the mirror. "You really are going to make me say it. I always knew you could be spiteful, but I didn't think- Well, I'm so-..."

"It's okay." I grasped the handle of the door and started to pull it open. "You don't have to say it."

She gave me a look of relief. "Good. You know I didn't mean that whole 'freak show' thing..."

"Of course, Paige," I responded, even though I really thought she had. After all, even I'm wondering just how big of a freak show I am.

**Alex**

I slid into the chair and leaned my cheek against my fist. "What's up?" I asked, bored.

Ellie didn't even look up from the computer as she continued typing. "Writing some copy for yearbook."

I made a show of yawning. "When did you get so boring? Let's go get into trouble or something."

She smirked. "_Right_."

I checked her watch to see how many minutes I had until my student council meeting and made a face. Only five minutes left of free time. I studied her profile as she worked intently. "So, have you talked to your dad lately?"

She paused for a moment before going back to clicking that damn mouse. "Not really," she answered dully.

I studied my nails for a few moments before trying to get her talking again. "Oh. How's your mom?"

She didn't say anything.

"I _said_ how's your mom?"

She finally looked at me. "I heard you. Drop the whole concerned act. I'm _fine_."

"Well, if this isn't the Ellie we all know and love..." I mused dryly.

She let out an exasperated sigh and gathered her things together. "You know what, I have a _ton_ of errands I have to run for my mom. I"ll see you later."

I watched with disgust as she saved her work and pulled her bag onto her shoulder. "I can't believe you run errands for her. She's drunk all the time, and you still take care of her."

"Last time I checked, your mom drank, too."

"And do you see me taking care of her? No. She has Chad to do that for her." I grimaced at the thought of Chad, my mom's loser, live-in boyfriend.

She shoved her hair behind her shoulder. "Just-just stay out this, Alex!" she warned, her voice strained.

My eyes followed her as she left the M.I. lab, her bag bouncing against her hip. I leaned back in my chair and stared sullenly at the blank computer screen in front of me. I've never been one to be overly concerned for my friends. Jay and Amy have been the only people I've really ever cared about and wanted to take care of. I guess I learned from an early age that you only take care of yourself. Who else will?

I guess I learned wrong.

* * *

I barely even noticed that Marco was walking along side me as I left the school building, praying that Jay remembered to come pick me up.

"You were quiet today..."

"Huh?" I looked over at Marco and shook my head slightly. "Oh, right. Nothing much to say."

"You always have something to say. Is something wrong?"

"Are you seriously asking me this? No, I'm fine."

"Then why so quiet?"

"Why so nosy?"

He grabbed my arm and stopped me. "Out with it, Nunez. Something's up, I can so tell."

"You are so gay, you know that?"

"So...?"

"So, it's really none of your business. It isn't even _my_ business. I don't even know why I care so much," I admitted.

Marco grinned one of his famous impish grins and folded his arms across his chest. "So, something _is_ going on. Spill."

I rolled my eyes and slid my sunglasses on. "Listen, I'd love to stay and gossip like a bunch of girls, but Jay hates it when I make him wait,"I replied in a bored voice.

"Well, I don't see Jay around."

I surveyed the front of the school and grimaced. Jay _wasn't_ there. That meant I'd have to wait around and talk to Marco. And if I stayed and talked to him, he'd somehow convince me to spill my guts about Ellie.

I took a seat on the curb and pulled my knees to my chin. Hopefully Marco would just drop the whole thing. He took a seat next to me and pulled out his cell phone, sending a quick text message as we waited. I glanced at him with mild interest as he laughed. He caught me and showed his phone screen to me.

**Marco: Knock Knock**

**Ellie: Fuck off**

I couldn't help but wonder if she was joking as much as Marco thought she was.

"That's our El."

"Yeah," I mused, running my finger along a crack in the cement.

"I don't like the sound of that."

"It's nothing. Really." I tried to convince myself.

"She's been acting weird, you know? She's just getting way to into this whole art fund thing. I don't really know how to talk to her anymore."

I could tell that Marco was more disturbed by this than he was letting on. I pushed my sunglasses up onto my head and hugged my knees. "Oh?"

He shrugged and played with his ring. "She's just distant. We don't hang out with each other anymore. Well, unless it's about this stupid art thing. I'm just worried about her, you know?"

I leaned back on my elbows and nodded. "Yeah, I think I do."

"I wish she'd talk to me."

"Listen Marco..." I was ready to tell him everything Ellie had confessed to me the other day. Suddenly, Jay's car rolled up and he jerked his head at me. I gathered my bag and jacket and stood up slowly. Marco followed suit and started to get his Ipod out.

"What, Alex?"

I glanced over at Jay and back at Marco. "It's just- Ellie told me her dad moved out and-..."

"_What!_" Marco's jaw dropped. "Oh, wow... No wonder she's been so messed up."

"Her mom's drinking again, Marco."

I couldn't believe I was actually telling him this. This definitely goes against the girl's code of friendship or whatever,but I've never been one for following the rules.

"What do I do?"

Jay honked his horn and gave me a look. I waved at him angrily before turning my attention back to Marco. "You can't tell her I told you. Just don't even mention it, okay?"

"I can't just ignore it, Alex."

"You don't know what it's like to have an alcoholic for a parent. Whatever. I don't know. Make her tell you or something."

"Yeah, that's really easy since Ellie just loves hanging out with me and telling her dirty laundry lately. There's got to be another way."

"Whatever you do, don't even mention me, okay? I don't think I was supposed to tell anyone. Got it?"

"Fine, fine. Thanks, though. Seriously."

I nodded curtly and started to walk backwards. "Good luck."

"What was that about?" Jay drawled as I slid into his car.

I looked back at Marco as he started walking in the opposite direction. "Nothing."

**Marco**

I rang the doorbell for the third time. Cars were in the driveway, someone had to be home. Suddenly, the door flew open, and Ellie's mom stared back at me.

"What?" she snapped.

"Is Ellie here?"

"I don't know." She stepped back to give me room, and I walked in. The air was heavy with the smell of alcohol and so was Elisabeth Nash. She swayed a little as she closed the door and walked towards the kitchen. She poured some alcohol into a small glass and lifted it to her lips, relishing the taste. I swallowed hard.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like some?" She pushed the glass of gin towards me.

"Um, no..." I declined, uncomfortably.

She shrugged dramatically. "More for me."

She took another long drink and let out a small burp. I checked my watch. It was 4:30. She was already plastered.

"I'm going to go upstairs and look for Ellie."

She didn't respond, only took some shaky steps into the living room and collapsed onto the couch, glass in one hand, bottle of gin in the other. I watched from the stairs as she filled the glass again and took another drink. I shook my head, sadly. I've never seen an adult get drunk like this. Not even at my family reunions. Thank God, I've never had to experience this.

I rapped my knuckles on Ellie's door softly before pushing it open. The room was a mess of discarded clothing, books, cd cases, and notebooks. But no Ellie in sight. I carefully went through her room and started to straighten it, throwing the clothes into the hamper and forming neat piles of other items on her bed. I picked up a framed photo of Ellie and her dad and frowned. It must be tearing her up inside to not have him around.

I wish she would have come to me. I wish she would have told me about her parents and how serious the situation had gotten. I would have done everything I could to comfort her but instead she's been dealing with this alone. And I know how she dealt with her dad being away the last time. I looked around the room for any sharp objects and sighed with relief when I didn't see any. At least she wasn't cutting again.

A loud noise from downstairs made me jump, and I set the photo back in place on her night stand before running downstairs.

"Mrs. Nash, are you okay?"

I gasped as I saw her form crumpled on the ground.

"Mrs. Nash?" I ran and knelt beside her, shaking her as I tried to wake her up. "Wake up. Are you okay? Mrs. Nash?"

_Damnit!_ I grabbed the telephone nearby and dialed 911. "I-uh- my friend's mom is passed out or-or something. I don't know. She's not waking up. She's been drinking. A lot."

I gave the dispatcher the information for the house and kept the phone nearby. Minutes later, I heard the sirens. I swung open the door and waved down the ambulance.

"She's in here. You have to help her."

I watched in shock as EMTs lifted her onto a stretcher and put an oxygen mask over her face. This was something you saw in movies with teenagers. This doesn't happen in the real world. This doesn't happen to a _mother_. Alex is right. I have no idea what this is like.

"_Marco!_"

I spun around and faced Ellie. She looked shaken as she rushed over to the gurney and took her mom's hand. "What's going on! I'm her daughter."

"It looks like alcohol poisoning. We're taking her to the hospital, dear."

She stepped back and sniffled. I closed my eyes, pained to think about the tears I knew were coming.

"She's going to be okay, right?" She choked out tearfully.

They didn't answer. I put a comforting hand on Ellie's shoulder as we watched them transport her mother down the stairs to the ambulance.

She jerked away from me. "How could you? You just walk in here like you have a right and..."

A fresh wave of tears silenced her, and she ran over to the ambulance, talking urgently to the female EMT who had called her "dear" before- probably the most affection Ellie's been shown in a long time. I hung back feeling out of place. I hadn't expected Ellie to be angry with me.

She started to climb into the back of the ambulance but glanced at me and jumped back out. She ran over to me and threw her arms around my neck. "Thank you," she whispered into my ear before releasing me and flying back into the ambulance and disappearing behind the closing doors.

I did the only thing I could do. I walked back into her house and dialed her father's phone number before getting into my car and speeding towards the hospital. Best friends don't abandon each other in times of need, even if one doesn't want the other around. Sometimes we all need reminded of just how much we need other people.

_In the silence_

_all your secrets will_

_raise their weary heads _

_Well, you can't pin yourself _

_back together with _

_who you thought you were._

_Now you're out there livin'..._

_In the deep._

_In the deep._

**Tada! Finally a new chapter. I've been working on this one for about a month now. I'm still not so sure about how it turned out but I really wanted to get a new chapter out for you guys. Hopefully everything makes sense and all that jazz b/c i've been sick and drugged up on meds and hopefully writing coherently:) **

**Next chapter: Hospital scene- touching moment between father and daughter. Sean will probably come around after hearing about Ellie's mom. And... I'm not sure. **

** POV suggestions always welcome!**

**Also, reviews and rants! Tell me what you liked, tell me what you didn't like! As always, thank you to my awesome reviewers who always give me encouragement! I hope I didn't let you guys down.**

** And that new webisode with all that sellie just boosted my motivation for these stories, by the way. Too cute!  
**_  
_


	58. She's Only Happy in the Sun

**Chapter 58: She's Only Happy in the Sun**

_I know you may not want to see me_

_On your way down from the clouds_

_Would you hear me if I told you_

_That my heart is with you now_

**Marco**

I stumbled through the hospital's corridors as fast as my tight jeans would let me, two cups of sloshing coffee in my hand and my messenger bag slamming against my hip. I was one rushed queen, and damn anyone who got in my way. I felt beads of perspiration sliding down my forehead as I trudged up the stairs, annoyed that the elevators were too slow for my taste. I breathed a sigh of relief as I pushed through the doors to the sixth floor and looked for room 621.

I saw Ellie first. She was seated in a small chair in the center of the hallway, her back straight and rigid, hands clasped in her lap. Her face was perfectly composed as she waited, and I for a second I wondered if this was the same girl almost lost it in the driveway of her house as the EMTs loaded her unconscious mother into the back of the ambulance.

I slowly made my way down the hallway towards her, scanning the scene for a nurse or doctor or some sort of authority figure. The hallway seemed eerily quiet, and I was reminded of just how much I hate hospitals.

"Hey," I greeted softly, holding out a styrofoam cup of coffee. "It's from a machine, but it's still mildly tasty." I took a sip and forced a satisfied smile on my face.

She took a sip and blanched. "Strong," she choked out, coughing a little.

"Yeah, it's kind of... sweet."

She nodded tensely and took another sip. I noticed the cup shook a little as she lifted it to her lips, and I reached out to place a comforting hand on her leg. She stared at my hand for awhile before lifting her eyes back up to mine; she was positively grief-stricken.

"Did you see how pale she was?"

"Really? I didn't think she looked _that_ pale," I lied. _Forgive me_, I silently prayed to Ellie. She looked back at me with disbelief.

"She was _blue_, Marco."

I nodded and took her hand. "I know," I whispered. "I know."

Her hand was cold, and her grip was weak. Suddenly I remembered the reason I had been so worried about her this week. "You should eat. I can go get you something from the cafeteria."

I started to stand up, but she stopped me. "I'm fine."

"No, really, it's no problem. What do you want? There's probably sandwiches and pudding and..."

I pulled my bag over my head, ready to run down to the cafeteria and get her to eat _something_ for the day, but I stopped turning away when she burst into tears. "Please, Marco. Just stay with me!"

I immediately sat back down, discarding my bag and intentions to the floor. "Shh, it's going to be okay. I promise."

She leaned her head on my shoulder, and I cradled it in my arms. Her shoulders shook, and I closed my eyes, trying to take in all the drama from the evening. First, I learn from Alex that Ellie's dad has moved out and her mom's drinking again. Then, I get to see her mom's out-of-control drinking firsthand. And finally, I get to call the ambulance to save Mrs. Nash from her drunken stupor. My big plans for the night had been to finish my homework and catch the latest episode of The Sopranos; no way did I imagine I'd be sitting in a hospital comforting my best friend as she waited for information about her mom's condition.

"I'm not going anywhere," I murmured, caressing the top of her head.

She straightened up immediately, her eyes dry and a small smile spreading across her face. "Good. Marco, you're the best."

"I know..." I responded with uncertainty. I watched as she grabbed a magazine from the small waiting table by her chair and flipped through it aimlessly. To any passerby she would appear to be content and relaxed, not the same girl who had just burst into tears. "Did..." I started. "Did-did you just _fake_ crying before?"

I was in a state of disbelief. Her eyes held something hard and menacing behind them, and she jutted her chin out as she looked at me over the top of the magazine. "What are you talking about?" she snapped.

"This is crazy," I muttered under my breath. "I'm going to the cafeteria. I'll get you a sandwich," I announced, preparing to stand up again.

She threw down the magazine and grabbed hold of my arm. "Please, don't. Stay with me," she whimpered. I watched in amazement as the tears started to well up again. Amazement soon turned into disgust.

I yanked my arm away and collapsed back into the chair, my arms crossed. "Fine."

"What's wrong with you?" Her tone was accusatory, but she placed a soft hand on my arm anyway.

"You. You're using your mom's condition to stop me from- from..."

"From _what_?" she challenged, her eyes glinting.

I couldn't even say it out loud. What exactly was I trying to get at? What exactly was she stopping me from? Was I ready to accuse her of having an eating disorder? Even the term sounded foreign to me. I had no evidence. I just had assumptions, and I've discovered that assumptions aren't always trustworthy. Suddenly I was aware that maybe this wasn't something I could do by myself. Maybe this was bigger than me.

"You're pretending to be _sad_. What kind of person does that?" I shot back at her, angry at her for making me worry so damn much.

She stood up and walked over to the door to her mom's room. "You're right. I am pretending," she replied monotonously. She leaned her forehead against the wall and sighed. "But it's not what you think."

I didn't respond.

She shook her head slowly. "I'm _always_ pretending lately. Pretending to be happy, pretending to be okay, pretending that I don't- God, do you know how hard it is?"

I was shocked by her honesty. "Of course I know. I pretended for a year to be straight. I know all about it, El."

She looked at me, her face worn and tired. "I _am_ sad. And I'm angry. And I'm worried. I've been pretending to be okay for so long that I can't even remember how to feel anything _real_ anymore. But don't think I'm some monster that doesn't care that her mom's lying in a hospital bed because that's the furthest thing from the truth."

I stood up and put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"What if she's not okay? What if she's never normal again, or what if this drives my dad even further from her?"

"Listen, your mom is going to be fine. Believe me."

She gritted her teeth and wrapped her arms around herself. "I should have taken better care of her. I should have been home."

I wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulders and drew her closer to me. "That's ridiculous. There's nothing you could have done."

She pushed me away and wrapped her arms around herself again, keeping me from getting to close. "Maybe... But I should have been there. She depends on me. If I had only been there maybe she wouldn't have drank."

"Do you even hear yourself? Your mom depends on _you_? That's not right, Ellie."

She shot me a nasty look. "Maybe it seems weird to you, but we're not like normal families. You have your mom and dad to look out for you. My parents- my parents just... they just... Never mind. It's just not the same. It's different."

"That still doesn't make it right."

She sat down in the chair and leaned forward, chin in hands. I ran a hand through my hair as I studied her. The down curve of her lips, the sorrow in her eyes, the worry line creeping across her forehead. No, she wasn't pretending. She really was worried. But I also knew there was more to that sorrow in her eyes than just her mother being in the hospital. It was the effect of her father moving out, her complicated relationship with Sean, the responsibilities she felt every day, and the revelation that her preoccupation with her self-image was turning her into a manipulative and destructive person. She was becoming someone who would stop at nothing to starve herself. She would bury herself in different activities at school. She would lie to her best friend. She would even use her mother's hospitalization as an excuse.

I was aware of her downfall. I was also aware that underneath this tragedy was my best friend, my soul mate, and she was suffocating as she struggled to break free from the wreckage. I could see the desperation in her eyes, and I was not going to let her drown in this pain.

"Marco?" She whispered, looking up at me.

I knelt down in front of her and stared her in the eye. "Yes?"

"My dad moved out."

I barely heard her, and although I already knew this piece of information, I still flinched in the shock of hearing the words come out of her own mouth. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell her it'd be alright because I had no idea if it would be or not. I sure as hell couldn't tell her I understood what she was going through. For once, I had no advice for her. I had no words or wisdom no encouragement, just no response at all.

"When?"

"New Years. Happy fucking New Year, huh?"

"Oh."

She gave me a sad smile. "It shouldn't hurt this bad. I'm used to him being gone."

"It hurts, doesn't it?"

"Like hell," she responded, her voice scratchy. She cleared her throat and fiddled with the ring on her finger. "Before he left because he had to. He left this time because he _wanted_ to."

A pained look flashed across my face. "He doesn't want to leave you. He just-..."

"Then why the hell did he leave?"

"It's not really an easy situation. Your mom and him were having trouble and-..."

"No, it's simple really. He had a choice- stay or go. He left. That's it."

I only nodded silently, not knowing what to say to her next.

"Ellie?"

I almost wanted to laugh at the timing of the whole situation. Ellie's dad took a hesitant step out of the elevator, business suit, briefcase, and all. I couldn't help but admire the color scheme of his tie before returning to reality and understanding the complexity of the scene at hand. I stood up, giving Ellie's hand one last squeeze.

"I'm going to use the phone and call my parents."

"Use your cell phone," Ellie ordered.

I pointed to the NO CELL PHONES sign and shrugged. "Can't. BRB."

I took my time telling my parents the condition of Ellie's mom and my evening plans: No, still no word on Mrs. Nash, and no, I won't be home tonight. I'll be staying at Ellie's. I hung up my phone and collapsed onto a bench outside of the hospital. The sky was overcast and the wind was strong and chilly. I buttoned my coat and rubbed my hands together, hoping to gather some warmth.

Without even really thinking, I pulled my cell phone back out of my pocket and searched through my phone book. I knew there was one other person that Ellie would trust with this situation. It didn't take long for him to answer, and he answered gruffly, annoyed that his ex-girlfriend's gayer than gay friend was _still_ calling him.

"It's Ellie," I greeted him.

"What happened?" Immediately his voice tensed up.

"Her mom's in the hospital. Alcohol poisoning."

"I'll be right there."

I smiled with satisfaction as I hung up the call and returned the phone to my pocket. Ellie would probably be angry at first that I told him, but she would thank me in the end. The smile fell from my face. Sure, she would no doubt forgive me for calling Sean, but would she forgive me for calling her father? I sighed and rubbed my hands over my face, overcome with sudden exhaustion and wary of what I would find when I returned to the sixth floor.

_She's only happy in the sun._

_She's only happy in the sun._

**Ellie**

"How is she?"

I stared straight ahead as my dad sat in the chair next to mine and turned towards me. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much it hurt me that he was gone. Maybe I'm being immature and unfair, but so is he.

He nudged me on the shoulder. "Are you going to ignore me forever?"

"Yes," I shot back, annoyed at his persistence.

He looked at his hands before looking back up. "So, Marco found her?"

I nodded.

"I didn't know she was drinking again..."

"You wouldn't," I responded bitterly.

He sighed and turned away from me. "Okay, I guess I deserved that."

I leaned over in my seat, allowing my hair to fall in front of my face as my chest met my knees, and I focused on the design in the hospital floors. I heard the clicking of shoes and the door to my mom's room opening and closing. Without looking up, I listened as my father got out of his seat and stood next to the doctor. Every now and then I could hear bits and pieces from their conversation. I heard the doctor mention blood alcohol level, fluids, and treatment.

"Our substance abuse counselor is going to meet with her tomorrow after she's rested. If this is a recurring problem, we suggest taking advantage of our treatment options here at the hospital. Of course, we also have a list of other resources and..."

"Thank you. We'll think about it."

I heard the doctor walk away, promising to come back later for another checkup. I peered through my curtain of hair and watched my father press his forehead against the room door, much like I had done before. He wiped at his eyes and let out a big sigh before resorting to pacing up and down the hallway. He was scared to go in and face her. She was sleeping, wouldn't even realize he was in the same room, and he was too scared to enter.

I stood up slowly, wincing at the ache in my lower back, a usual occurrence when I'm overly stressed, and started towards the door. He looked at me in amazement as I reached for the handle and turned it, pushing the door open and stepping in, careful to be quiet. The room was dark and still, the moonlight reflecting through the window on my mother's face. I took a seat in the chair next to the bed and cleared my throat, reaching out for one of her hands. They were cold and dry, and I pinched the tips of her fingers to make sure the color was coming back to them. Suddenly the tears I had been trying to hold in all night dampened my face as they spilled down my cheeks. The sight of my mother looking so helpless and still was too much for me to comprehend. I had seen her this way the past few years every time my father was called overseas. Anyone else would have given up a long time ago. But me? I couldn't. I couldn't get the image of how my mother _used_ to be out of my mind- laughing, vibrant, successful, and charming. To me, the mother who used to french braid my hair was still in there. So was the mother who enjoyed trying new recipes and dancing in the kitchen to her favorite classic rock hits. I couldn't let go of that naive hope that someday she'd go back to being that person.

I held her hand in both of mine and leaned forward. "You always were dancing in your kitchen, Mom. I would come down at night, and you'd be in there making dinner and singing... What was that song you _always _sang? Neil Diamond... You have to get better. You have to do this for yourself. I don't want to hate you. Please, don't make me hate you..." I whispered tearfully. My tears dropped onto her hand, and I wiped them away with my thumb but never letting go of her hand. I sat in silence for a few minutes, not quite sure of what to say next. I thought about stupid things- scenes from random movies, the look Sean had given me in the hall today, Paige's apology...

"Cracklin' Rosie, make me smile... God if it lasts for an hour, that's alright. We got all night... to set the world right... Find us a dream that don't asks no questions..." I murmured the lyrics as they came to me. That had been the song she had always been singing. Cracklin' Rosie.

I heard a knock and looked up, wiping all the traces of sadness off my face. My father leaned against the doorframe. "The nurse said we need to let her rest now..."

"She _is_ resting..." I was angry that the hospital was making me leave her. I squeezed her hand and brought it to my lips, kissing it and letting it fall next to her in bed. I promised her that I'd check in on her the next day and followed my dad out of the room.

"Some hero I am, huh?" He spat out bitterly. I watched as he rubbed his face again and his shoulders heaved. "I can protect the entire country... the entire world... but I can't even protect my own family. What the hell kind of father am I that my daughter's more of an adult than I am?"

He muttered to himself quietly as he stared hard at the floor. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't as brave as he thought. I wanted to show him the scars I had on my arms, the fresh cuts that had been made the night before. I wanted him to hold me as I cried. I wanted him to tell me everything was going to be okay. Most of all I just wanted to tell him that I missed him and needed him to come home. I needed to come home from school and know that although I couldn't see him, I could feel that he had been there that morning, shaving and wrapping a tie around his neck before grabbing his briefcase, kissing my mom goodbye, and heading to work. I needed to feel that warmth he brought to the house that always felt so empty without him.

I opened my mouth to finally share my real feelings with my father but was interrupted by the ding of the elevator door opening. I turned around, expecting to see Marco. Instead, I saw Sean slowly coming towards me. If this was some lame romantic comedy, I could just picture the sappy music playing at this very moment. And if this was my romantic comedy, no other song but Coldplay's The Scientist could be playing right now. I almost wanted to cry at how cheesy I was being but found myself running towards Sean instead. Lame.

_Come up to meet you,_

_Tell you I'm sorry,_

_You don't know how lovely you are,_

_I had to find you,_

_Tell you I need you,_

_Tell you I set you apart,_

_Tell me your secrets,_

_And ask me your questions,_

_Ah let's go back to the start_

I threw myself into his arms, burying my face into his chest and wrapping my arms tightly around his neck. He returned the hug and lifted me off the ground a little. We were in our own little world again and even though I was dampening his shirt with all my tears, I wasn't embarrassed at all. This was Sean. He's seen me at my worst and best of times. And for some reason I can't explain, he hasn't given up on me yet.

He caressed my hair and whispered into my ear, telling me he was there for me. My heart nearly broke as I realized just how much I needed him. Just like my father, Sean brought a warmth to my life that I hadn't realized was missing until now.

"Thank you," I murmured into his chest, smelling the mixture of laundry detergent and campfire and _Sean_.

We stepped back from each other and smiled sheepishly at our sudden rekindling after days, make that weeks, of avoidance. Sean hooked an arm behind his head and scratched the back of his neck., his face turning a little red.

"Same thing happened to my mom... Sucks."

Always a man of few words, but this time it was just enough. We stood in the lobby of the floor for awhile in a comfortable silence. Finally Sean spoke up, "Your dad's here."

"Yeah... he is."

"I figured he'd be in Japan or South Africa or wherever it is he goes."

"He goes everywhere. No, he's been sticking around in town lately..."

"That's good."

"Yeah... just not at my house..." My voice trailed off, and I bowed my head.

Sean lifted my chin and looked me in the eye. "What's that mean?"

I kicked the floor with my shoe and shrugged. "It means he moved out. Apparently, I'm not as good of a matchmaker as I thought..."

Sean chuckled and raised his eyebrows. "You could say that."

I remembered his breakup with Nikki and blushed. "My record is 0-2 right now, huh?"

"Nah. 1-2. You hooked up Marco and Devon, remember?"

We walked down towards the vending machines, our arms touching every now and then. "How do I do this? How do I forgive him?"

Sean stuffed his hands in his pockets and furrowed his brow. "Well, you have to see it from his side. Alcoholism isn't pretty. It hurts everybody."

"Tell me about it."

"It was a fucked up thing to leave you but maybe it was his way of protecting you. Maybe he thought you'd live with him, and your mom would be scared into rehab or something."

"Sean, he didn't even know she was drinking again. He just left her because they were fighting and because of what happened before when he was in Kabal. I mean, don't marriage vows mean anything? Am I being completely irrational in thinking that a husband and wife should work things out and at least _try_? He didn't even try. Why not?" I hated the way my voice was shaking and how it was obvious I was about to burst into tears if I had to think about it anymore.

Sean punched the button for a Mountain Dew before turning towards me. "You're really upset about this, aren't you?"

"I know this happens to life half the population, but they're my _parents_. They're supposed to be perfect and happy and together."

"And you're not supposed to be taking care of your mom either."

"That's besides the point..."

"No, no it's not. That's what started all the arguing in the first place. Your dad found out about your mom's drinking while he was gone and left her because of it."

"Without taking _any_ responsibility at all!" I burst out, my voice echoing in the empty corridor. My unclenched my fists and wrapped them around myself. "She drank because she couldn't deal without him. He knew this would happen, and he left anyway!"

The sound of Sean opening his soda can filled up the hallway. "Did you tell him how bad it was?"

I shook my head, my lips forming a frown. "No... I couldn't do that to my mom."

"I don't understand why you protect her. She treated you like shit and..."

"She didn't always."

"You know, we never get anywhere when we talk about your parents. It's always the same thing... Maybe she was better when you were younger, but this is now. You can't live in the past."

I didn't bother saying anything. I fiddled with the necklace around my neck and chewed on it thoughtfully. "Should I just forgive him?" I asked after awhile.

"If you want."

"Would you?"

"Probably not."

I gave him a surprised look.

"But that's me. I'm not you."

I nodded, his point driven home. As always, I was a pushover. We both knew I would go to my father and forgive him for leaving and giving up on the his marriage. There was no escaping that future. We walked back to my mom's hospital room, and I tried to think of what I could possibly say to my dad.

"Some people can't do what you do. We can't watch someone we care about destroy their life... waste away... suffer... whatever you want to call it. So we leave. It's kind of like if you don't see it, it isn't really happening. Which is such a bullshit theory but... You- You just know better. You're really brave, you know? It's kind of admirable."

I smiled but inside I was wandering if Sean would think the rest of me was so admirable if he knew what I'd become. Would he still be so proud of me if he knew about the things I did in my past? I doubted it. Sean's a noble guy, but not even he could find good in me if he ever found out about my history- the desperate searching for "love", the drugs, and my role in Brayden's death. I bowed my head in shame and hoped Sean couldn't see the weary look on my face. Sometimes it's near impossible to pretend I'm so damn happy.

I felt his hand on my shoulder and he squeezed it affectionately. "Just tell him the truth. Tell him that he hurt you, but you still want to work things out. He'd do anything for you."

That's what I had thought, too.

I rolled my shoulders back and set my face in a determined look. I hoped I looked confident in my mission because inside I was a total wreck. My father and I had that kind of relationship where words weren't always necessary. Usually we were able to tell how the other was feeling just by sight. Our emotional bond had weakened the past few weeks, though, and now words were necessary.

I left Sean behind as I started towards my father, sitting in the same chair, his face in his hands. I wondered if he was crying or just tired... I secretly hoped he was crying. Crying meant he missed his family. Crying meant he wished we were still together. Crying was my sign of hope. I was ashamed by my desire to see my dad's physical pain, but I also knew that I needed that sign of hope.

"Dad?" I crept towards him and waited for his response.

He wiped quickly at his face before looking up, his eyes red and his face pallid. I flinched at how old he looked at the moment. This wasn't my father; this was a shell of him. "What is it, sweetie?" His voice was thick with emotion but he was smiling at me. He was trying to hide it.

I perched on the edge of the seat next to him uncomfortably. My hands were grasping at each other as I tried to pick the right words to say. "I just- we have- I just can't do this anymore. I can't."

"You can't what?"

"I can't hate you anymore," my voice trembled, and I sounded like I had when I was five years old. I had reached a new level of pathetic but for once I didn't care. I just wanted my dad back. "It's just- It's too hard, and I don't have the energy for it. I can't do it anymore. I am so _sick_ of feeling this way."

If my father couldn't hear or feel the desperation in my voice, he was not human. I bent over in exhaustion and wrapped my arms around my torso, doubled over as if in pain. Fresh, hot tears slid down my face and hit the floor.

"I thought I gave you everything you ever wanted... I didn't realize I was so horrible that you'd hate me," he responded in a low, hurt voice.

"Don't play the victim. You are _not_ the victim here. You gave me everything I wanted? All I wanted was you to come home and notice me!" I strained myself from leaving right then and there. I didn't need him trying to make me feel guilty. I feel guilty enough for every damn thing I've ever done in my life.

He reached out and placed a hand on my wrist. "Don't do that. Don't go. I'm sorry. I just can't believe my little girl would hate me..."

I suddenly wished I had a rubber band I could snap, but I had nothing. I dug my nails into the flesh on the back of my hand and inhaled as I focused on creating physical pain. Anything. Just anything to take away from this emotional hell I was going through now.

His cell phone rang, and I watched dully as he answered it, ending our little "talk" and going back to his little world. I leaned away from him but watched his face as he talked. He nodded, muttered an "okay", and ended the call with a promise of talking later.

He shoved the phone back into his pocket and coughed. "That was Howell. You remember him, right?"

I nodded. Howell was his buddy from the army. I swallowed the bad taste rising in my throat and waited for it. I already knew it was coming. I could feel it like a soft breeze on the back of the neck, making the tiny hairs rise with the chill.

"We met for lunch the other day and were talking about Sudan and..."

"Don't..." I squeezed my eyes shut.

My dad gave me a look that told me that he understood just how much he was really fucking up with me right now. "Goddammit, Ellie..." he whispered hoarsely. "It's my duty. I have to go."

"You're duty? You're _duty_? Your duty is to your family!"

"It's not that simple. There's a lot more to it than-..."

I shot out of my chair and paced back and forth nervously. "No... no... there's really nothing else to it. Not at all. It's a choice. It's Sudan or your family. That's all there really is. You can't desert us!"

He grabbed my shoulders and stared at me eye-level. "You think this is easy for me? I should be scared shit-for-brains at the idea of going to Sudan, but I'm not because it's scarier here at home. I'm scared to stay. I'm scared to deal with this. I have no clue as to what I'm doing! Over there it's easy, and I know what's going to happen. People are going to be killed, and people are going to be saved. Here? I have no damn clue!" he shouted before releasing me and backing away.

For the first time I could see just how similar my dad and I were. We were both scared out of our minds. He had no idea what was going to happen just like me. I listened as he rambled on about it being easier to run than to stay and watch the family be destroyed. Sean's words echoed through my mind.

I stood motionless as my eyes followed my dad stalking down the hall towards the elevator. He really was running. I could hear my heart pounding against my chest as I watched his retreating back. I felt my throat closing up, and I shook my head with force to stop myself. I was going to watch him walk away and move on with my life. From now on, that sorry son-of-a-bitch was out of my life forever.

"Don't you _ever_ talk to me again!" I screamed after him, certain my shouts could be heard from the streets.

His walk slowed down, and he paused. I held my breath. He started to walk again.

"_Daddy!_" I sobbed out. "You're _devastating_ me..."

Without any hesitation, I watched as my father turned around and came back towards me, pulling me in for a hug, squeezing me tighter than I had ever been held before. I felt his tears drop onto my head, and I clutched onto his shirt, afraid to let go in case he tried to run again.

"I _need_ you. Protect _me_."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he whispered into my hair, begging me for forgiveness.

I've always been one to forgive easy.

**Sean**

I smirked as Marco glanced at his watch for the twentieth time since we had sat down in the cafeteria. "Relax, Del Rossi. They're probably up there _bonding_ or something."

He grimaced and stared into his third cup of coffee. "I'm too busy thinking about some other scenario. A less happy scenario."

"She's fine."

"And what if she's not?" he murmured sadly.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I was more than annoyed by his mopey routine.

He opened his mouth to say something but decided against it and snapped it shut. "Nothing. I didn't mean anything."

I didn't believe him but I really didn't care enough to hassle him about it. He looked at his watch again, and I slammed down my fork. "Fine, let's go up there."

We stood up and threw away our late dinner. "You're welcome by the way," Marco sneered.

"_Thank you_," I responded sarcastically. We were silent on our way up to the sixth floor besides the curiosities about Mrs. Nash's condition. Normally, I wouldn't give a shit how she came out, but she was Ellie's mom, and I knew Ellie would be crushed if anything ever happened to her. For that reason, I prayed that she'd be okay.

I _prayed_. I don't know who I prayed to or what I was intending, but I did it. Maybe it was Marco's presence that made me do it. He had been sputtering off some sort of crap in Italian earlier. Catholic. Or something.

The ding of the elevator announced our arrival to the sixth floor. I stepped forward as the doors slid open and was met with Ellie and her father, sitting in the same chairs they had been in last time I saw them, talking quietly amongst themselves. Marco and I shared a look, and he coughed to let them know we were there. They looked over, eyes red and puffy, and I felt the bile rise in my throat.

_Oh shit..._

Ellie broke into a small smile, and I immediately felt relieved.

"We just got some dinner in the caf. Some roast beef and mashed potatoes. They also had some chocolate cake. It was good. I had a water, and Sean drank a Coke. Real silverware. Trays like the school caf. Food's better, though."

I jabbed Marco in the ribs, hoping he'd shut up. His face reddened as he realized he'd been rambling, and he shrugged.

"Well, you know..."

Mr. Nash placed a gentle hand on the top of Ellie's head and sent her a glance. "Ellie really needs to go get some sleep..."

"I can take her home," Marco interrupted.

"Dad, I'm _fine_."

"You look exhausted. We can't be much more help around here."

She begrudgingly obliged and gave him a long hug, and he kissed the top of her head. They gave each other a look before separating. "You'll give me a call tomorrow?"

Mr. Nash nodded. "I'll call you in the morning. Go get some rest."

I placed my hand on the small of her back and guided her towards the elevator.

"Elle?"

She turned around.

"I love you, Elle-belle."

"I love you, too," she repeated, a small but silly grin overcoming her face.

The elevator doors closed, and we descended to the main floor. "Ellie...?" Marco questioned.

She hugged herself and shook her head in disbelief. "He's staying. We're going to try this... Can you believe it?"

"That's amazing, Elle." Marco pulled her into a hug.

She looked at me. "You helped a lot, you know? You said some things that really made me think."

I tried to appear modest but inside I was pleased that I had helped her relationship with her dad. Me, Sean Cameron. We walked out in the cold night and headed towards Marco's car. I opened the door for Ellie and let her in, shutting it firmly behind her. I thought I saw a glimpse of contentment flash across Marco's face.

"My dad's talking to the doctor about rehab tomorrow. She might have to go away for awhile, but he said he's going to get her in the best rehab program he can find. Maybe it'll work, you know?"

I had my doubts, but I didn't express them.

"Of course it will," Marco agreed. Good old, Marco. He'll say anything to please his best friend.

"I mean because she was doing really well before... well, before my dad found out. And maybe since my dad's going to be helping her, she'll be able to stop completely?"

I didn't say anything. I didn't want my pessimistic outlook to ruin the fuzzy moment. Once again, Marco reassured Ellie that everything was going to be absolutely perfect from now on.

"My dad decided that he's not going to move back in yet, but he's going to take some time off work once Mom gets out of the hospital so he can be around during the days. Carl will just have to run things for awhile. He completely trusts Carl. We're going to try and do some family things once in awhile, too. Maybe even, like, every week or something. I think it'll be good. We need to establish some normalcy around the house."

I let out a laugh. Loud. There was no such thing as normal in the Nash household.

She peered over her shoulder at me. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, sorry. I was thinking of a, uh, a joke Jay told me before."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm sure it's something tasteless."

I listened in the back as Ellie filled us in on her conversation with her dad. She told us about his plan to go to Sudan, and her finally being able to reach out to him and show him how much she needed him. The description of the scene was all too happily-ever-after for my taste and had it involved anyone else I would have given my cynical point of view, but the fact that it was Ellie was enough to shut me up. Hell, I was the one who pushed her to forgive him. I guess I didn't realize that it might actually work.

"Marco, you're staying, right?" Ellie asked as she opened her front door and let us in.

"Of course," he confirmed.

"Sean?"

I looked into her eyes for some hint as to what she wanted my answer to be. Of course, I wanted to stay but did she want me to or was this too much for our renewed friendship?

I coughed nervously and shrugged. "Okay..."

"Yeah, well, I'm _not_ sleeping in the bathtub..." Marco called over his shoulder as he started up the stairs. Ellie and I threw each other a confused look and giggled as Marco disappeared into the guest bedroom.

"So..." she started, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

"So..." I repeated.

We stood awkwardly in the foyer, each contemplating what the next step was.

"I guess I can make up the couch for you..."

"That's fi-..."

"Unless you wanted to sleep in my room..."

"That's also fi-..."

"With me."

"Ellie! Whatever. It's fine."

We headed up towards her room. I couldn't help but remember the other times I had snuck up here without her mom knowing. She would giggle from the doorway as I crept up the stairs and pull me into her room before pouncing on me. I reached down and adjusted myself, swallowing hard at just how vividly I was remembering.

"Here we are..." she whispered as we stepped into her room. She turned on the light and sighed.

"You cleaned."

"No... Marco did. He knows I hate when he organizes my room. I can never find anything..."

"Why are we whispering?"

"Oh... I don't know. Why not?" She giggled and an impish look came across her face.

"Someone's... giddy."

"Did you just say... giddy?"

I smirked and slipped out of my tennis shoes. "Maybe."

She crossed to her dresser and pulled out a hoodie and threw it on. "I don't know. Maybe I am giddy. It's just everything is really going great now!"

I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye as I unzipped my hoodie and threw it one the floor. I folded my arms across my chest and looked at my feet. "Ellie..." I warned.

"Sean," she started. "Don't. Don't say anything to ruin this. I know I'm being completely unrealistic to think that everything is going to be _fine_ but... Just let me live in this stupid fantasy world for a little bit, okay?"

"Fine," I shrugged as I started to take off my jeans and discarded them on her chair. I pulled the bed sheets down and climbed in.

"My dad's actually going to be around the house again. He's not running away. That's enough for me right now. Turn off the light, kay?"

I didn't say anything as I reached up and flipped the light switch off. I heard her rustling around in the dark, unzipping her pants and kicking them off before pulling on a pair of pajama pants. My eyes strained to see her better in the dark, but she was too fast. I felt her climb into bed next to me and punch her pillow a few times before lying down.

The house was quiet. I stared at her ceiling, feeling her gaze on me. "So you've been dealing with this for weeks, huh?"

She shifted to make herself more comfortable. "Yeah."

"You could have told me."

"I know. It's embarrassing, though."

"Why? You know I went through it..."

"I know. But my family is supposed to be perfect."

"And is actually far from it. Very, very far from it," I joked.

"Hey!" she squealed and slapped me on the arm.

"So, are you going to ignore me still or what?"

"I wasn't trying to..."

"Okay, let me try this again. Are you going to go with me to Jay's cousin's party this weekend?"

"Jay's cousin? The slutty one or the drug dealer?"

"The slutty one. April."

"I don't know..."

"_Ellie_."

"Okay. Fine. I'll go."

I closed my eyes, ready to fall asleep.

"I wasn't trying to ignore you. I'm sorry."

I turned on my side to look at her. "And I'm sorry for going off on you about Nikki. You did the right thing."

We smiled at each other. I closed my eyes again and started to doze off to sleep.

"Sean, do you-..."

"Ellie. One thing I did not miss is the late night, three hour talks. Go to bed."

"You know, Sean, you're really testing our friendship right now and-..."

"Jesus Christ, we're _doomed_! One more word, Nash, and I'm joining Marco in that bathtub."

"If you want..."

"Please don't make me prove my point..."

We burst into a fit of laughter. Lying there I was aware of how much I had missed being with her. The silly banter back-and-forth, the stupid fights, the way I could be completely honest with her... Things were good between us right now. To any outsider, Ellie would appear to be the most carefree and happy teenager right now despite the fact that her mom was in the hospital and she had just pieced together her rocky relationship with her dad and ex-boyfriend. No matter how good things appeared right now, I knew that with each rise came a fall. Call it the pessimist in me...

Maybe I could beat this pattern, though.

If it took everything I had, I would make sure Ellie never fell again.

_Did you find what you were after?_

_The pain and the laughter brought you to your knees_

_But if the sun sets you free, sets you free_

_You'll be free indeed, Indeed_

_She's only happy in the sun_

_She's only happy in the sun_

**I forgot to add an author's note for this chapter... The song is from Ben Harper. **

**Also, thank you to the reviews! They were awesome, and I love, love, LOVE getting them.**

**Someone asked about the other story I'll be starting after April Child... **

**It's going to be about Ellie (of course...!) And is going to look back after BIB and Sean left and how she dealt with it. It's going to follow more with the show and will seem more in character for her. I'm really excited about it and can't wait to start writing it! We'll see what happened on the car ride home, her first night in the apartment alone, and if anything happened with that guy from Euchre night... **


	59. Back Where I Was Final

**Chapter 59: Back Where I Was Final**

_And when it hit me, I could not think_

_I decided I should hide away_

_So I did _

_I did what I could_

_I did what I did_

_because it was easy_

**Ellie**

I took another sip of my coffee and placed it on top of my locker while I grabbed my books for school. The caffeine had yet to do its magic, and my eyelids struggled to stay open. I had been up late on the phone with Marco, Ashley, and Craig about our fundraiser for the art program. We had set the date for the last week of March, which gave us about a month to prepare, minus the upcoming week for spring break. Marco and Ashley were going to go around and ask local venues to sponsor the event while Craig and I auditioned a few local bands after school.

"Don't you look chipper."

I sighed and turned my head. "As always."

Jay smirked and leaned against the row of lockers. "Where you shopping at lately? Big and Tall?"

I froze in the middle of zipping my backpack. "What's that supposed to mean?" I asked in a strained voice.

He adjusted the hat on his head and shrugged. "You're just wearing your clothes baggier than me these days."

He meant it as a joke. I tried to tell myself that. Still, his words irritated me.

I yanked the zipper closed and pulled the backpack onto my shoulders. "Listen, as much as I _love_ socializing with you, I really don't have time for this." I grabbed my coffee from above and started down the hallway, my body shaking from Jay's comment.

A hand came down on my shoulder and pulled me to a stop. "Woah, I was just joking around. You used to laugh at my jokes. What happened to your sense of humor?"

I pursed my lips and placed my hands on my hips. "It left for spring break early."

"Yeah, anyway. I was going to ask you how the whole mom thing went."

I just wanted to yell at him to leave me alone. I was already tired and cranky; did he have to go and make my day completely unbearable? "My mom's fine. She's been in rehab for two weeks and comes home on Monday. Is that good enough?"

Things with my mom _seemed_ perfectly fine. We had talked a few times on the phone but our conversations were usually limited to "hello", "how was your day", and "goodbye." My father had moved back into the house and was making an effort to be home more often, if not always succeeding. Still, it was nice to wake up and have breakfast with him every morning- him alternating between cereal and turkey bacon and eggs while I always stuck to half of a grapefruit and a black coffee.

Jay squinted his eyes at me. "The bitchy thing? It's cute on Alex, not you. What's been going on? You okay?"

"The worried big brother thing? It was cute before, not now," I mocked his previous words and turned to leave, hoping he'd just drop the whole conversation. I didn't have time for his silly jokes or the whole concerned act. Who did he think he was making comments about the way I dress? I glanced down at my jeans and the grey long-sleeved t-shirt I had thrown on hurriedly this morning. If _Jay_ was noticing my outfit and how I looked, who else was? I shifted my eyes back and forth in the hallway, looking for one person who dared to judge me. Heather Sinclair flipped her platinum blonde hair and bent over to whisper something in the ear of her friend Kathy. Hazel Aden and Jimmy laughed about something in her notebook. I noticed Marco lift a hand in greeting to my left but I dropped my head and pretended I hadn't seen him when I saw the worried look in his eyes.

"See, Nash- _This_ is why you have no friends!" Jay yelled at me from behind.

I stopped myself from turning around and really letting him have it, realizing I was really just too tired to give a shit about why he thought I had no friends. As if he had any room to talk. I stared at my shoes as I made my way to home room and tried to slip in unnoticed by Ashley or anybody else who might want to talk to me.

It wasn't too hard. I sat in my usual seat, took out a book and tried to read, but I couldn't stop thinking about how I was going to avoid the cafeteria today or whether or not I aced my last A.P. History test or...

"Were you trying to ignore me in the hallway or what?" Marco dropped into the seat next to me and took the book from my hand. "This is the same book you've been pretending to read for a year now. I call it your book of avoidance."

I took the book back from him and placed it on my desk. "Wow, you're pretty witty, Del Rossi."

I could have added that he was honest and observant, too, but I didn't feel like stroking his ego anymore than I already had.

"Anyway, I waved at you. You ran away. What gives?"

I shrugged and played with the edges of my book. "I didn't see you. What'd you want?"

His fingers drummed slowly across the desk. "Hmm... What did I want? What _did_ I want? Oh, yeah! I wanted to see my best friend."

"You see me everyday."

"Yeah, I _see_ you."

"And we talk."

He put a finger to his chin. "Yeah, _right_... So, how are things with Sean? And are you excited about your mom coming home? And what about-..."

"We really need to go over what you and Ashley are going to say to our potential sponsors. We need to get as many businesses as we can or else it's just going to be too expensive. I thought we could go over a script during-... What?" I stopped when I saw the way Marco was looking at me.

He clenched his jaw and the grip he had around his thermos tightened. It's rare to see Marco get angry; this just happens to be one of those rare occasions. "We're not talking about the fund raiser anymore, okay?" It was more a demand than a question.

I rolled my eyes as I slouched in my seat.

"It doesn't even really matter anyway. We're going to be here for, what, another year? We'll be too busy planning for university to even notice."

"This coming from the guy who said he's 'absolutely _die_' if he didn't get to do the play next year!"

"I overreacted. And I think you are, too. You're putting so much energy into this that I think you're trying to replace something in your life with it!"

"Thank you, Ms. Sauve. How much do I owe you for the counseling session?" I shot back with sarcasm.

"When's the last time you talked to her?"

"What are you? My babysitter?"

The morning announcements started, and Liberty van Zandt's head appeared on the TV screen. Usually, Marco and I would take turns making sarcastic remarks throughout the broadcast, me more than him. Mostly, he would tell me how horrible I was for making fun while his face reddened from holding in his laughter. Afterwards, we'd spend class time sending notes back and forth with our new inside jokes written on them.

Today wasn't like most days. We sat in awkward silence as Liberty announced the debate club's meeting after school, the chess team match tomorrow afternoon, and...

"Are you interested in showing off your artistic talent? Here's your chance. Join Ellie Nash in her quest to save the Degrassi arts program by auditioning your musical act for a benefit concert. Sign up sheets are outside the Grapevine office, and tryouts will be held on Friday at 4pm."

A few of the other students in the classroom turned around in their seats to stare at me. I blushed and looked down at my desk. What the hell had just happened? Did this seriously just happen? My hand shot straight up, and I asked to use the restroom.

As soon as I exited home room, I hurried to the Grapevine office, anxious to catch Liberty before she headed to class. I hung back a little until most of the video announcement staff left, leaving Liberty behind to gather her things. I closed the door behind me and folded my arms.

"Liberty," I greeted coolly.

She glanced up quickly. "Oh, hey. What's up?"

I pursed my lips and looked at the floor, thinking of how to put what I wanted to say into words. "Nice announcements..."

"Thanks."

"Except... Why did you single me out?"

She pushed her glasses up on the bridge of her nose. "Excuse me?"

"In the announcement about the band auditions you said it was... how did you put it again? _My_ quest to save the arts?"

"Um, I used your name because you're the one who told me about it."

"Yeah, but... there are other people involved."

"Well, sorry, I didn't know. It's not that big of a deal."

"Not that big of a deal? It's a huge deal. It's like I'm taking all the credit or something. You've made it all about me."

She laughed dryly. "Wow. Don't flatter yourself, Ellie. I doubt many people will associate the fund raiser with only you."

My cheeks flushed, and I clenched my teeth. "The point is, you've put me in the spotlight, a place I didn't want to be!"

Liberty brushed past me and started towards the door. "Then you should have been prepared and written your own announcement. Now, if you don't mind, I have to get to chemistry. We're discussion mole fractions today, and I wouldn't want to miss out."

* * *

I threw my books into my locker and shut its door, revealing Ashley standing right beside me, unnoticed until now. "Jesus!" I gasped after the initial shock wore off. "Are you sneaking up on me now?"

She shook her head. "Listen, I know I didn't wake up in enough time to grab a shower this morning but do I smell _that_ bad?"

"You don't smell," I assured, my voice monotonous.

"So why are you avoiding me then?"

I restrained myself from rolling my eyes or screaming or running away. All I needed were more questions I couldn't answer. Not honestly, at least. "I'm not avoiding you."

I forced myself to shrug and to appear nonchalant.

Ashley sighed and folded her arms across her chest as she walked beside me. I wasn't even sure where we were headed although I was vaguely aware that it was our lunch period. "We've had two classes together so far, and you haven't said a word to me..."

"Well, excuse me if I don't have the time to constantly entertain you," I snapped. I scanned the hallway for any kind of escape route. I knew I shouldn't be so harsh towards her, but I couldn't stop myself. It was like I was programmed to just get through the day and any interaction halted my regiment and through me off kilter.

"I wouldn't say your presence lately has been _entertaining_."

I was about to shoot back an insult when Marco became the two of us, his arms falling around our shoulders. "Here you are! I've been looking all over for you, El. You, too, Ash."

Marco's change in mood from earlier this morning didn't escape me. I was pretty sure it was all a ruse, though. It was him just trying to get into my good graces before assaulting me with a million questions about my home life and my current mentality. It'd been the same thing every day for the past two weeks.

"It's pizza day! Aren't you guys even a little excited?" The grip around my shoulders tightened, and I noticed his other arm casually fall away from Ashley.

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes briefly as I imagined a greasy slice of pizza placed in front of me. _290 calories_. At least. I clenched my jaw and tried to focus on what Marco was saying instead of the little voice in my head screaming at me to make up an excuse- _any_ excuse. I stopped walking and slapped a hand to my forehead.

"Shit! I totally forgot I was supposed to meet Ms. Kwan about- that... thing..." My voice trailed off, and I shook myself free of the weight of his arm.

"Ellie..." Marco's voice was warning and his fingers wrapped around my upper arm. I grimaced before turning back around to face him.

"What?"

"Do you _really_ have to meet Ms. Kwan?"

I stared him straight in the eye. "Yeah. Why would I make it up?"

He opened his mouth to say something but decided against it. He set me with a worried look and sighed deeply. "I wish you'd talk to me..."

I folded my arms across my chest and shifted my weight to my other leg. "Talk to you...? About what?"

"_Things_."

For a moment I was a little afraid of the look he was giving me. Did he know I was lying? Did he know that I was secretly planning on just skipping lunch as always and burning a few calories by walking around outside? I glanced at Ashley out of the corner of my eye. She stared back at us with an interested look on her face, like she was watching a movie or looking at an exhibit in a museum. I felt my face flushing and my hands start to shake. No, I wasn't nervous. I was just angry.

"Did you forget the conversation we just had this morning? I don't know where you're getting at with this, Marco, but stop looking at me as if I'm some charity case."

I spun around and stalked down the hallway.

"Ellie..." he called out, and I felt his hand on my shoulder.

I knocked it off and turned my head to face him. "Just leave me alone!"

I thought I heard Ashley whisper, "It's not worth it." I swallowed hard and tears burned the corners of my eyes. She was right. Marco should just give up right now because this confused mess isn't worth the worrying.

I pushed through the back doors of Degrassi and hurried across the courtyard to my special picnic table away from all the other students lounging around in the grass or on other picnic tables with their disgusting, greasy pizza slices.

I miss the days when Ashley used to be jealous of me. She would constantly envy my figure, her face almost turning green with jealousy, and I would always stare at myself in the mirror, wondering what the hell she was talking about. All I could see was someone who could stand to lose few pounds around her upper arms and whose calves weren't as toned as they should be. But it still felt great to hear Ashley knock her own self down, whining about how much weight she had put on through her whole depression phase when food had been her only comfort. It was like I had a support group in her, always encouraging me to lose that one last pound. I had an accomplice in my struggle, although she didn't know it at the time. Now even Ashley was against me.

_She's just jealous because she has no self-control and now she's trying to ruin it for me._

And Marco? Well, Marco...

_He can't stand the fact that, for once, it's not all about him. I'm not giving him the same attention I used to; I'm not hanging on his every word. _

Marco's just greedy. He wants me to resort back to the girl with the pathetic crush on her gay best friend, and Ashley wants me to be her best friend. She doesn't want me to have an identity of my own. They're both just attacking me at any level they can.

"Is this seat taken?"

I didn't have to look up to know whose voice that was. I shook my head and pressed the inside of my knees together, my hands clasped in between my thighs, shoulders hunched, my body curled and tightened, as if I was willing myself to just disappear.

"Banana?" His hand held a banana underneath my nose, a big bite already taken out of it.

"I'm not hungry," I murmured. The hollow feeling in my stomach wasn't from lack of food. It was from lack of... something else. Something I can't even define, and something I'm sure I could never have even if I knew what it was.

"I found this on the ground." He held out the black onyx ring that usually adorned my right index finger. I went to reach for it, but he took my hand instead and slid it slowly onto my finger for me. He knew exactly what finger it belonged to.

"It's a little loose," he observed.

"Sometimes rings do that."

"They get looser?" He lifted an eyebrow.

I gritted my teeth. "I think I know more about jewelry than you do, Sean!"

"Hey," he nudged me gently with his elbow. "Don't talk to me like that."

"Sorry," I muttered. "Thanks." I kept myself preoccupied by twisting the ring around my finger as he finished his banana. I saw the banana peel fly in the air and land near a tree a few feet away.

"So..."

I braced myself for the inevitable questions. How you holding up? Have you talked to your mom? Is your dad sticking around this time?

"That was some party the other week, huh?"

I looked up surprised. "Well," I started. "Yeah, it was. I had a lot fun."

He leaned back against the picnic table and stretched his jean-clad legs in front of him. "Yeah, me too. Jay's cousin is so..."

"Slutty?" I offered.

He chuckled, his entire face lighting up and the dimple in his right cheek graced me with its presence. "Yeah, you could say that."

"I can't believe her boyfriend just lets her act like that."

"I think it kind of turns him on," he responded dryly.

We were silent for a moment before slowly looking at each other. "Ew!" we cried in unison.

I laughed and relaxed my body a little bit. "The best part of the night was definitely when I beat you at pool-..."

"I _let_ you beat me."

"Twice."

"I let you beat me twice..."

"Oh _please_," I snorted. The sun started to come out from behind the trees, and I shielded my eyes with my hand as I looked over at him. "Sean Cameron would never let me beat him at pool. He knows I can kick his ass any day."

"You go on believing whatever you wanna believe," he sighed, earning a playful slap from me.

I shook my head in amusement, recalling the games of pool we had challenged each other to. Sean had been careful to explain the rules clearly, as if I hadn't watched my dad and uncles play pool my entire life. Although I was an old pro at billiards, I hadn't objected when he stood behind me and gave pointers on how to hold my stick to improve my shot. It had been the only time I really messed up my shot, digging the cue stick into the green of the table rather than the ball. Sean had rubbed my shoulders affectionately and told me I'd get it sooner or later. I didn't tell him it'd been his cologne that caused me to lose all focus on the game.

"Any big plans for spring break?"

I raised my eyebrows and watched as a butterfly danced its way a little above the grass. "Not really. Marco and them are planning on going to the lake, but I don't know..."

"Oh, Marco and _them_."

"Splashing around in murky lake water isn't my idea of a good vacation."

Sean noticeably stiffened, and I looked over. He grinned sheepishly at me and hooked his left hand behind his neck. "So, uh, is it just murky lake water that turns you off or any kind of water?"

"I don't know. It depends," I teased.

He laughed nervously and shrugged. "You know, Wasaga has a great beach..."

"Hence the name."

"A lot of people go there for vacations."

I let his words sink in and shifted my position on the bench until I faced him, my forehead wrinkled. "Wait, are you- are you going?"

"I don't know. Maybe. I think so."

My lips slowly parted in a smile, and I leaned forward to throw my arms around him. "I'm so proud of you," I murmured into the base of his neck. The pressure of his hands on my back pulled me closer to him, and I felt his nose nuzzle my hair. I pulled back suddenly. "But I already got rid of the tickets!"

"Screw the tickets. Trains make me sick anyway. Me, Jay, and Alex were going to drive there. You know, kind of like a road trip?"

My breath caught in my throat, and I realized where this conversation was going. He was going to ask me to go, too! The thought of driving hours in a car with Sean sent a warmth throughout my body.

"I want you to go with us."

"And you're going to see your parents?"

"Yeah-..."

"Good for you."

"... On one condition..."

"Condition?"

He looked at me for a moment, as if he was having difficulty trying to speak. His hand found mine and pulled it into his lap. I glanced down as his fingers began to play with mine; suddenly I was feeling lightheaded.

"The only way I'll go is if you come with me-..."

"I'll come! I'll definitely come."

"-... And if we make a detour on our way back..."

"Okay. Whatever you want."

"Ask me where else we're going."

I rolled my eyes but grinned anyway. "Fine. Where else are we going?"

"Montreal."

The word hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I had been run over. The entire sky had just collapsed on me... Everything just fell. "Montreal?" I whispered to myself more than him.

His thumb was rough against the top of my hand as it slid across it, looking to provide comfort. "If I'm confronting my past, you're confronting yours."

Confronting my past required me to visit a ghost town. I had deserted that place shortly after disaster befell it, and I had never planned on going back. I _still_ never plan on going back. Going back meant reliving the whole damn thing and being reminded of how good I had it. There would be nowhere to disappear and forget. Montreal would just be a flood of the memories and emotions I had tried to suppress for years bursting beyond the weakening dam. I was already falling apart at the seams and confronting my past, as Sean put it, would utterly destroy me.

No, there was just no way I could do it.

**Sean**

She pulled her hand away from me and stood up to leave. "I'm going to be late for class," she stammered.

"We still have fifteen minutes left!" I tugged on her wrist and turned her towards me again. My eyes bore into hers, pleading with her to just let me in and try to help her. She wasn't going to make it that easy.

"Sean, I don't _have_ a past to confront. Brayden's dead. There's no one to go back for."

"Then go back for _yourself_," I argued, my voice starting to rise. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down. I had been practicing this dialogue for days now ever since I had locked eyes with Ellie in the hallway last Thursday. I couldn't turn away, and I could swear her eyes had been begging me, screaming at me to save her, as she stood talking in her little group of Marco, Ashley, and Craig.

She crouched down in front of me and placed her hands on my knees. "I know you're trying to help," she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. "But I'm not ready yet."

"I'm not ready either, but I'll still go," I reasoned.

"And you _should_ go!" she urged.

"Not without you."

"Don't do that. Don't put it all on me."

I immediately regretted my ultimatum when I saw how beaten down she looked. She stood up again and grabbed her bag. "I was starting to feel really good, and then you had to go and mention- Ugh!"

Her movements were jerky as she brought her hands to her face and crouched down again before shooting back up and pushing her hair out of her face before walking away. I watched from my seat on the picnic bench as she started to jog before breaking into a sprint. After sitting for a minute and registering what had just happened, I stood up and brushed my hands off on the legs of my jeans. I had tried, I could give myself that.

I'm not the most successful person when it comes to reconciling with the past, but at least I was trying to put forth the effort to do so. Going to see my parents would be the hardest thing I'd done in years. I hadn't exactly left with the best impression of them. To me, they were total welfare cases, too drunk to ever take care of me. But I had learned a few things about labels and overcoming them, and I thought it only fair to give my parents the same chance, especially after seeing how much family means to some people. Like Ellie.

"Dude, you look like your dog just died."

The look on my face told Jay I wasn't in the mood to talk. It's stupid but the one good thing about going back to Wasaga was to see my dog Charlie. Even if my parents were still drunks, I could at least see my dog; see if he even still remembers me.

I looked over at Jay and pulled my hat lower on my face. My voice was gruff as I told him the news, "Wasaga is off."

He cursed under his breath and threw his hands in the air. "Great. So we're going to hang out in Toronto all break?" He sounded more than pissed off.

"Man, you just don't get it." He was treating me like I was a baby. As if I needed to have Ellie there to hold my hand. Like it wouldn't be hard to see my parents for the first time in years. So what if I needed her? It had been her suggestion in the first place, her stupid Christmas gift.

I walked past her locker and glanced at her as she took her books out, headphones in so she could ignore the noise around her. I faced forward again, my body starting to shake with anger. Anger that she couldn't allow herself to go with me over spring break. She was letting me down when I really needed her. Worse, she was just letting herself down in the end.

"Man, _watch_ it!" I growled as someone ran into me.

Marco stepped out of my way and licked his lips nervously. "Sean. Um, can I ta- Never mind." He shook his head slightly and walked off, his face tight with worry.

"Whatever," I muttered. I had other things to worry about, like Ellie.

**Marco**

I grasped the pen tighter, my hand shaking as I tried to convey my thoughts onto paper.

_Ellie: _

_I know what's going on, and you need to talk to someone._

Oh, great. Pretend like I know everything when I really have no idea what's going on.

_Ellie,_

_You need to stop hurting yourself_

Ugh.

_Ellie,_

_Hey. How's it going? I'm doing pretty good_

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!

_Ellie,_

_How could you do this to me?_

I thought writing out what I wanted to say to her would be easy. I figured the words would just kind of write themself out. Instead, I was forced to stare at my lame attempts at writing something meaningful and poignant- something that would convey to her just how worried I was.

It'd been two days since our fight in homeroom and something had changed between us. We didn't joke about the usual things or discuss Ashley's newest crisis. She didn't even tease me about my outfit like she normally does. Now it's Wednesday night, and Friday marks the beginning of spring break. I couldn't stand the thought of her not speaking to me the entire break, especially if she went with us to the lake.

Part of me just wanted to forget about her problems. If ignorance is bliss, than so be it because being so far away from her emotionally was too painful. It was like someone had cut me into two, and I couldn't find my other half. I stared down at my paper, and I started to see the words form before me. _It was like someone had cut me into two, and I couldn't find my other half..._ Suddenly, I was hit with a sudden burst of inspiration. I hunched over my desk and licked my lips. It isn't always easy to put what you're feeling into your own words; that's why sometimes you have to borrow someone else's...

I glanced down at the page after I was finished. It was simple really. No big explanations of how I was feeling and why I was feeling that way. Just a short, simple story. Somehow I knew it would speak more to Ellie than anything else I could have written would.

I folded the sheet of paper and stuck it in an envelope. My hands trembled a little as I licked the envelope shut and printed her name on the front. Too bad it couldn't be as simple as handing her the envelope. No, it was going to be a lot more difficult than that. I had to find a way to make her listen to me first.

This was merely just a back-up if things went wrong.

* * *

I crouched down on the steps leading up to the school and took a hesitant seat before checking my watch. Homeroom didn't start for a whole thirty minutes, but I figured I should get here early if I wanted to catch Ellie. Not that it mattered. She'd probably run away with some sort of lame excuse. _And you'll just let her..._ I tried to block out the little voice in my head that told me I was letting her off too easily...

Maybe it was right. Maybe I was being too indifferent towards her situation. _If there even _is_ a situation... _See? Like that. Right there. I _know_ there's a situation. I just do. Yet here I am still pretending like there's a possibility that I'm overreacting.

But how could I be harsh with her? How could I confront her? Who was the one there for me when I suspected I was gay? Who stuck by and lied to protect me? She was. She never told _anyone_ that I was gay. She never betrayed me. Confronting her, telling on her, would seem like betraying her in a way. But if I didn't...

A flash of red caught my attention, and I jumped from my spot. "Ellie!" I called out, waving a hand above my head.

Her gaze shifted from the ground to my face, and the corner of her mouth tugged itself into a half-smile. She was trying; I'd give her that much. I kept a critical eye on her as she made her way towards me. She looked skinnier than usual; her jeans were baggy and her black see-through shirt no longer clung to her arms. She looked exhausted, and her skin was paler than usual, almost transparent. The black circles under her eyes only strengthened my theory that she probably hadn't slept in days.

"Hi Marco," she greeted softly. I opened my mouth to begin the speech I had tried to prepare overnight, but Ellie beat me to it. "Listen, Marco, I want to apologize for the way I was acting yesterday. I understand you're worried about me because, _yes, _I _am_ putting a lot into the fund raiser, and maybe I am trying to replace something. It's been a hard year for me with all the drama going on and concentrating on the fund raiser keeps me from thinking about the drama."

She stopped and stared at me expectantly. I met her eyes before looking away and folding my arms across my chest. To anyone else she would have sounded incredibly sincere, but to me her apology sounded forced and manipulative. _Manipulative_.

"Marco..." her voice was soft and so was her hand as she brought it to my elbow and squeezed it lightly. "Don't be mad at me," she whispered. I looked her in the eye and saw the old Ellie, even if it was only for a moment.

I sighed and my shoulders relaxed. "It's okay," I took a hold of her hand and rubbed little circles with my thumb. "I'm not mad at you. I'm just worried and-..."

"Well, if it isn't my favorite friend in the entire world!" An arm threw itself around my shoulder and pulled me close. _Paige_. I love the girl but I could have honestly kicked her just now. It's just like her to interrupt an important moment between me and Ellie.

"I have to go Marco. I'll see you in class." Ellie rushed off before I had a chance to object.

That was an opportunity I'd probably never get back again.

Paige must have noticed my less-than-please attitude. "Did I interrupt something?" she asked innocently.

I shrugged. "It's nothing."

"Are you sure?"

I looked her in the eye and pasted a smile on my face. "I'm sure."

Great, now Ellie has even _me_ lying. Usually, I would ask Paige for advice but definitely not this time. These circumstances were just too personal. Instead, I forced myself to talk about our plans for spring break, all the while thinking about Ellie and how I was going to find the courage to confront her again.

* * *

I don't know how I did it, but somehow I forced Ellie to sit with me in the cafeteria. I had to promise that it would be just us, but still, she was here with me. I pulled out my lunch from my bag and placed the sandwich, tuna salad, and orange slices in front of me. I noticed Ellie nervously picking at the peeling nail polish on her thumb.

"Are you sure you don't want to get lunch?" I pressed.

"I forgot money."

_Bullshit._

I reached for the wallet in my pocket. "I could lend you money..."

I don't know why I bothered asking. I already knew she'd decline the offer.

"Marco, I'm really not that hungry."

_Bullshit again_.

I stabbed my fork into my tuna salad and took a angry bite. "I don't understand how you couldn't be hungry. I never see you-..."

"_Marco_. Drop it!" she barked. "I'm _fine_. Anyway, I ate a big breakfast."

I watched as she picked an imaginary piece of lint off of her shirt before staring off into space. _Could you feel me any _more_ bullshit lies, Ellie Nash?_

"You've thought about spring break, right? You're going with us tomorrow, aren't you?"

It took her awhile to notice that I had spoken to her. "What? Oh, yeah, spring break. Um, I don't think so. I have to help my dad get things ready for my mom to come home so..."

"But it's spring break! It's our time to have fun, relax, and party. Away from parents. Away from school. Away from all forms of stress."

"Away from stress? Right," she laughed drily. "You're going to the _lake_, Marco, not too exciting."

I frowned at the table and narrowed my eyes. "Still, it's going to be fun. A whole lot better than sitting around in _your_ dark and cold house twiddling our thumbs... No plans... No life..."

Ellie's eyes flashed and her jaw clenched itself. "As a matter of fact, I have a ton of plans. I have to make sure everything is prepared for the fu-..."

"_Don't_ even say it. Don't even mention that stupid fund raiser," I spat.

She slouched in her seat and went back to picking at her nails. We sat in silence as I finished eating and she thought about whatever it is she thinks about these days. Calories, I'm sure. The bell rang signaling the end of lunch, and I gathered my trash together as she slid her chair back with a screech.

"Ellie?"

She looked at me, her features hard and tight. She wasn't willing to budge an inch.

"Don't think I haven't noticed what's going on."

I left her in shock at the threatening tone to my words.

**Ellie**

I stared at the clock and counted the seconds until I could run home and crawl into my bed. I just wanted to gather the blankets over my head and pretend that nothing else existed but me in my dark cave. I wanted time to just move along and leave me lying still.

The afternoon announcements came over the speaker, and I thought that a genuine smile had maybe made its way across my face, but I was wrong. I threw my notebook and pen into my bag and lifted it onto my shoulder. Now, if I walked at a pace of 4.5 miles per hour, I could probably burn around three-hundred calories. Maybe not that much, but I could strive, right?

I stopped in my tracks when I heard my name being called over the speaker. _Ellie Nash to the Grapevine office, please. _I gritted my teeth and turned around, annoyed that my plans for the walk home were already being interrupted. What the _hell_ did Liberty want anyway?

Maybe she would apologize for the way she embarrassed me this morning. The thought should have satisfied me, but I couldn't feel anything at the moment.

"You wanted to see me?" The office was empty except for Liberty.

She looked up and glanced quickly at the clock. "Oh, yeah... Um, hold on one second."

I leaned against one of the desks as she rushed out of the room, leaving the door open just a crack behind her. I began thinking about the different plans I had for the break. I could probably go the flower shop and pick up a few of the hanging plants my mom always enjoyed; that would be nice for her to see when she came back. I could also try and make that new chicken recipe I saw on TV. And I should probably get started on the paper I have due a week in two weeks...

Marco's right. I am a loser.

"Hey..."

I spun around and wrinkled my brow at Marco. "What are you doing here?"

"I asked Liberty to call you down here. I need to talk to you."

I folded my arms, frustrated. "_Now_?"

"Yes. _Now_."

The tremble in his voice told me that he wasn't messing around. I settled back down on the desk and looked at him expectantly. He looked away from me, his eyes trained on a spot on the opposite wall and unblinking. It was an uncomfortable silence, and for a moment, I thought he really had nothing to say but then, suddenly, he turned towards me, his eyes rimmed with red.

"I really don't know how to say this." His voice cracked and he threw his hands in the air in a gesture of helplessness. "I have no idea what to do."

"About what?" My mouth felt like it had sand in it. A sinking feeling was settling into my stomach, and I was starting to think that I may have an idea where this conversation is headed.

He rubbed a hand across his face and sighed with exhaustion. "Ellie, no more lies, okay? No more lies. No more secrets. None of that. I think you have a problem. You're not eating-..."

"I am too eating!" I shouted that even I was surprised by how loud I was.

Marco shook his head sadly. "You're hurting yourself. And you're lying to everyone about it. You're lying to _yourself_. If you don't have a problem, explain it to me!"

"There's nothing wrong with me," I cried, my voice sounding as pathetic as I felt. I had grabbed a hold of my wrist, and my fingernails were making tiny cuts into it. Suddenly, I just wanted to lash out. I wanted to take Marco by the shoulders and shake him until he promised to shut up.

"I'm sorry, but I don't believe you. Ellie, I just want to say that I'm going to tell someone about what's going on, and I thought you should know before I do."

I sent a pencil holder flying across the room in my anger. Pens, pencils, highlighters, and a rule went scattering across the floor, and Marco flinched. "How could you do this to me? Never did I assume you were gay until you told me. And afterwards, I never threatened to tell anyone. And you- you just want to- you want to tell- to tell on me!"

"Don't make me tell on you. Go to Miss Sauve right now and tell her what's going on. Tell her you're not eating. And tell her why- why? _Why_ are you doing this? Tell _me_ why you're doing- God, Nash! How can you do this to _me_?"

I grabbed my bag and pushed past Marco. "I don't have time for this. I have to go."

"Ellie!" He grabbed my hand and forced to turn around in the doorway. "I'm here for you. I'll support you. I'll listen to you. You can confide in me." His eyes burned into mine, and I felt like I really could have talked to him, told him everything, at that moment if I had enough courage to.

My shoulders heaved, and I realized at that moment that I had been silently crying the entire confrontation. I felt Marco press something into my hand before I wrenched it away from his, and my fist tightened around the paper.

I felt wronged, betrayed, like I had just lost my best friend. I stumbled down the hallway, away from Marco's calls to me, begging me to stay and talk to him. I heard the quiver in his voice, and I knew I had to get away. I had to get away from him before I gave in.

It didn't take long. I ran the entire way, feeling as if Marco and his accusations were constantly at my heels. _You're hurting yourself. I don't believe you. Why are you doing this? How can you do this to _meIf I didn't get away, he would never leave me alone.

I pounded on the door, unable to stop the tears. The door swung open and strong arms embraced me after one look at my face.

"What happened?"

"Let's go."

"What happened?"

"Nothing. Let's just go. I have to get out of here. Let's just pack up right now, and _go_."

Sean caressed the side of my face, wiping away the tears gently despite the roughness of his fingertips. "Road trip?"

I nodded, confident in my decision. "Road trip."

Anything to get away from the truth.

**AH! I am SO sorry about taking so long to get this damned chapter out! It drove me crazy! I had severe writer's block and about a million other things to do with work and school and trying to fit in a social life somewhere. But anyways... I hope you enjoy this chapter. I think I feel pretty good about it, but I also could have just wanted to get it on here!**

** Next chapter: Sean, Ellie, Jay, and Alex head on their road trip to Wasaga Beach. Sexual tension in the car. Sean confronts his parents. Blahblahcakes and all that jazz. Suggestions always welcome. Compliments always welcome. Rants always welcome. Insults also welcome, though not with as open of arms.**

** Once again, sorry it took so long, and hopefully it won't take this long from now on. :)**

**If you're still reading this story, than you are probably a loyal reader, so thank you so much!  
**


	60. Best I Am

**Chapter 60: Best I am**

_So hard to think about when I was a child, so angry at life_

_I blamed the world for such a long, long time_

_Things happened so quickly. Some people just go..._

_Things always won't go right in this life._

_There's always changes._

_We'll make it._

**Sean**

The scenery whipped past me as Jay sped down the highway; just two more hours until I was back in Wasaga Beach. A sinking feeling formed in the pit of my stomach, announcing the impending doom that was seeing my parents.

"Man, the weather is _awesome_. The beach will be swarming with scantily clad hunnies!" Jay interrupted my thoughts, and I rolled my eyes as Alex smacked him on the arm. "Ow!"

_I'm meeting my estranged parents for the first time in years, but at least the weather's nice!_ I sighed loudly and slouched in the backseat, resting my head against the window and staring at the painted lines on the road. Maybe my parents wouldn't even be home. Maybe they _moved_. _Right, and maybe I'm Superman_.

A sound from the handheld video game in Ellie's hands rang out clearly, and I averted my attention to her. She sat rigidly in the seat, punching the buttons on the console as if her life depended on whether she made it to level fourteen or not. She still hadn't revealed what caused her sudden change in heart, and she probably never would, but all that really mattered was that she was beside me. Well, at least physically.

She drew her knees up to her chest and tossed the game aside, boredom crossing her face. "We should probably stop at a grocery store..." she announced flatly.

Jay reached forward and turned the volume down. "What's that, Nash?"

"We should probably go to a grocery store," she repeated, sneaking a look at me.

"Ooh, yeah," Alex turned her head around to stare at Ellie. "I'm really craving Cheetos right now!"

Ellie's lip curled in disgust. "I need a drink and something else to do besides play this stupid game."

"There's a Fortinos ahead. We'll go there."

* * *

I hung back as Jay and Alex raced the grocery cart to the car. "They're meant for each other, aren't they?" I mused as Ellie fell into step beside me.

She lifted a hand to her forehead and shielded her eyes from the blinding sun, her own grocery bag dangling from her wrist. "Yeah, they are."

"Are you okay? I mean, I know something happened before, but you were just kind of quiet in the car. I mean, I know we've only been driving for a little bit, but... I don't know. Never mind."

She looked up at me, a hint of coyness in her dark eyes and the slow smile spreading across her face. "Have you always been this flustered around me?"

Her voice was low and husky, and I knew I'd be repeating that sound over in my head for the rest of the night without even knowing exactly why. "I don't know. Have I?" I tried my best to look confident and normal, which wasn't so hard since this was Ellie. Sometimes she was the only one who _could _make me feel normal.

She turned her head away from me with a smirk. Suddenly, we were back up on the roof of that school building, and I was teasing her while she pulled on the rubber bands around her wrist. Her hair was pulled back the same way she had it that day, disheveled, rather, from the car ride than from the stress of taking care of her mom. Yeah, she was disheveled sometimes. I think I kind of like that.

"So, did you find something else to do besides play some stupid video game?"

She peered inside her bag. "Yeah, a few magazines... some detective story... a book of puzzles."

"How long do you think it'll take for Jay and Alex to eat their five bags of chips?" I asked loudly. Jay and Alex both turned to us from the trunk and stuck their tongues out.

"Oh, I don't know..." Ellie played along. "I _think_ we'll make it to Wasaga before running out but..."

"You never know."

"Yeah, you just never know."

Jay pushed the driver seat forward and motioned towards the backseat. "Will you two clowns just climb in? We're trying to make a deadline here."

"Yeah, right,"I muttered softly. A deadline I wasn't even sure I wanted to meet. Why did I agree to do this again?

Ellie shoved her bag in and collapsed into the seat as Jay pushed his seat back too soon. "Watch it, ass."

"Did you say something, Vampy?"

"Yeah, I vant to suck your blood," she retorted with an accent.

I chuckled and pulled a glass bottle from my bag. "Hey, El. I got you this. I know you like them."

I held out the peach tea, and she took it gratefully. "Thanks."

* * *

Staring at the small, run down mobile home in the small, run down trailer park was like being ten years old again. Suddenly, it was just yesterday that my lunch money was stolen by some older punk in the back lot of the nearby convenience store. Just yesterday, Tracker, me, and Benny Fink let off a cherry bomb in the mailbox of an old deserted house down the road. And just yesterday, I had buried my head in the neck of Charlie as I listened to my dad knock over the coffee table in one of his drunken rages; he had been let off at work that day.

But it wasn't just yesterday because it also feels like a million years ago. When it comes to this, my life is some perverted time line where nothing ever seems to go in sequence. I feel ten and eighty at the same time. The paint on the house is still that shade of light green that I've always hated. The numbers by the door are peeling off. It should read 216, but it reads 26 instead. New curtains are in the window.

A hand closes over my shoulder, and I know immediately that it's her. She squeezes gently before letting her fingers fall away, and my skin tingles underneath the cotton of my t-shirt. I would ask her to go with me but I'm too embarrassed. I've told her about my life back home, but it would be too different for her to actually see it. Maybe she'd see my dad and think that I could end up the same way.

"Cameron, you a pansy or what?" That's just Jay's way of being supportive. He really doesn't know any other way.

"I'm going, man," I call back, my voice a little lower than usual, because Sean Cameron can't be seen as a pansy.

Tell that to my sweaty palms as I step across the pathetic excuse for a yard. The steps creak under my weight, the same way they always had. My tongue runs over my lips nervously, and I knock against the door forcefully. And wait.

I look out of the corner of my eyes at the window to my right. My mom always looked through the curtains before answering the door. They don't rustle. I try again. And wait again.

"Looks like no one's home, Sean," Alex observes. I take a deep breath and stare at the welcome mat at my feet. It figures. I figures that it'd take me this long to come back, and when I do, they're not home. I'm not sure if I can do this again. I'm not sure if I can come back and stare at this house and walk up those stairs and knock on that door again.

"We'll try later," I reply nonchalantly as I get in the car. "Let's go to the motel."

**Alex**

The door crept open slowly, and we stared in at our fate, like a bunch of regular horror movie morons. My hand searches for the light switch, and I flip it. The light crackles and flickers but finally turns on.

"It's... not so bad." I swallowed hard and moved forward, small suitcase in hand.

"Not so bad?" Sean repeats under his breath. He's been quiet ever since the trailer park.

"I can practically feel the chlamydia already," Ellie droned. "Yay."

The motel we were staying at for the night was suspect to say the least. Dark, seedy, and surely the site of a prostitution ring, the Rest Inn Motel was the cheapest place we could find. Cheap for a reason, apparently.

Jay pushed through and tossed his bag on one of the beds. "Dibs on this one. Best view of the television."

Ellie set her suitcase down gently and walked to the window. "Maybe we have a good view?" She pulled apart the curtains. "Or... not..."

The back of the motel next door was our grand view. One big mass of grey.

"What the hell's wrong with this?" Jay slammed the back of his hand against the remote and tried to turn the TV on again. "Stupid piece of crap. Ellie, you're up. Turn the TV on for me."

She arched an eyebrow and reached for the back of the television. "Something tells me you won't be watching TV..." She lifted the cable for the TV up; the end of it was completely shredded to pieces.

Jay groaned and fell back onto the bed. "No TV. What the hell am I supposed to do all day?"

"Well," Sean piped up. "There is this little thing called the _beach_. You heard of it?"

"_Yeah_, the _beach_. Time to scope out some seriously hot ladies."

I sent him a look.

"And by seriously hot ladies I mean you, Lexxi."

"Of course you do," I smiled sweetly and opened up my bag. "I'm changing for the beach. Could you boys maybe go get some ice or something?"

"Why do people get _ice_ anyway?" Jay mumbled as he grabbed the small container from the dresser and slapped Sean on the back. "Come on, Cameron. The chicks need their privacy or whatever."

Ellie and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes. I'll be the first to admit that Jay can be a serious idiot when he wants to be. I tugged at the strings of my bikini and lifted it up for Ellie to see. "Zebra print. You think it'll get Jay in the mood later tonight?"

"Oh _God_. I hope not while Sean and I are in the room. You think it's really warm enough to wear just that?"

I craned my neck and look at her over my shoulder as I tied the strings in the back. "Did you not notice the sweat dripping off of my face the entire past hour? It's all hot and humid out there. Perfect weather for the beach."

She sank onto the edge of the bed and squeezed her bikini into a ball. "Yeah," she muttered. "I guess you're right."

"You okay?"

"Me? I'm fine. Completely fine. I'm just kind of tired. I might stay here and take a nap."

I pursed my lips and slowly walked towards her, my arms crossed. "Stay here and take a nap? Okay, Nash, I'm getting really sick of you being miserable all the time. Stop whining and come to the beach and have fun. You know what fun is right?"

An agitated look flashed across her face. "Why does it matter if I stay here or go to the-..."

"Um, because the whole point of this trip is to have fun and go wild. No parents. No school. No crappy movie theatre job. Get dressed. You're coming, even if I have to drag you there myself. Which wouldn't be hard considering you're a tiny little wimp."

She stormed towards the bathroom, throwing me a dirty look before slamming the door shut behind her. _Whatever._ I pulled my short cutoffs on over my bikini bottoms before admiring myself in the mirror. This bikini would definitely make Jay drool all day. Thank god for Meery giving me a few extra shifts at the movie theatre...

"Are you decent?" Sean called from the hallway.

I ran to the door and opened it up, posing provocatively in the doorway. "Hi boys."

Sean shook his head in amusement. "Cute, Alex. Jay's still at the vending machine. Where's Ellie?"

"In the bathroom changing. I had to twist her arm to even get to come. She wanted to stay behind and take a _nap_." I raised my voice purposely.

"Give her a break, Alex," Sean's voice was soft, and he glanced at the bathroom door out of the corner of his eye.

"Woah! Sexy Lexxi!" Jay's face broke into a wide grin and he sauntered towards me. "You trying to seduce me?"

"Maybe," I teased, running a hand up and down his stomach. His lips crashed into mine, and we shared a wet, passionate kiss before breaking apart breathlessly. Jay's always known how to please a girl.

"Alex?" A small voice came from behind the bathroom door. I reluctantly left Jay's arms and tried the doorknob; the door opened immediately. The damn motel didn't even have a lock on its bathroom.

"What?"

"Don't come in! God. Can you just grab my hoodie for me?"

"What do you need _that_ for?" I tried pushing against the door again, but she was obviously leaning against it to keep me out. "Let me in."

"Can you just go get it?" she snapped.

I took a step back before pushing all my weight against the door, causing Ellie to stumble back. I sighed and shut the door behind me. "Why do you need it?"

She refused to look at me. Instead, she shifted her weight between her feet and wrapped her arms around herself. I looked her over, beginning to understand why she was so hesitant to go to the beach. The brown bikini was too big for her, sagging in places it shouldn't have. She hugged herself to shield her body, but she couldn't hide.

_Jesus, Ellie..._ I thought to myself. She finally looked up at me, and I met her eyes. I nodded. "You're right. It was starting to get a little windy. I'll get your sweater. " I forced myself to act cheerfully so maybe I wouldn't let on that I was starting to get worried about her.

I brought her a sweater from her suitcase, careful not to let Sean or Jay catch a glimpse into the bathroom. How they had managed to change so quickly, I'll never know. Ellie took the sweater gratefully and pulled it on, zipping it up so only a little bit of skin would show through. It wouldn't have really mattered if she wore the sweater or not. The boys wouldn't have noticed anything wrong with her. The just don't fully understand a girl's body like women do. They just see boobs and an ass, not the shoulder blades sharp enough to poke an eye out.

"God, I'm starving. Do you think they'll have something to eat on the beach?"

My head snapped up, and I looked at her reflection in the mirror. She stared back at me as if everything were normal. "I- I don't know. I'm sure they will." My voice was filled with uncertainty.

"Good. Ready to go?"

"Yeah..." I followed her out of the tiny bathroom

* * *

"Hey chicken legs, aren't you hot?"

My fingernails dug themselves into the hot sand underneath me. All day Jay had been making comments to Ellie about her chicken legs or wearing a sweater to the beach. I was just waiting for her to snap.

She turned her head slightly, her dark sunglasses hiding her eyes. "Jay, worry about yourself."

I smiled and sat up. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to eat one of these annoying kids. Is there anything to eat around?"

Sean pulled his knees up and looked around. "I think there's a food stand right up there. They have hotdogs and stuff."

"Great. I'll go," Jay offered. "Dogs all around?"

"Two with relish and mustard."

"Three for me. Oh, and ketchup. Here." Sean handed Jay a few dollar bills.

We looked at Ellie expectantly. She shrugged and crossed her legs. "Do they have sno-cones?"

"A _sno-cone_?" Jay laughed.

"Yeah, a sno-cone. Slushie. Whatever."

"Whatever you say, Chicken Little..."

We all looked at each other and rolled our eyes as Jay sauntered away. "I wonder how long that nickname will stick," I wondered out loud.

"Make it lime!" Ellie called after him suddenly. He raised his hand in response.

I settled myself back down on the towel and thought for a moment. "Didn't you say your were starving?"

She didn't even look at me. "Sno-cone just sounds good right now."

"Ellie loves sno-cones, right?" Sean smiled at her.

"Right," she giggled.

"Ugh, I did _not_ mean to bring up any inside jokes between you two."

Five minutes later, I was resting peacefully in the sun, the waves crashing creating a nice background noise, when I felt something drop onto my stomach. I whipped my sunglasses off and stared at the yellow blob on my stomach. "Ew, gross!"

Jay grinned. "Sorry. I'll get it." He knelt next to me and handed me my hot dog before bending over and licking the mustard off of me. Kinky.

"Uh, this is a public beach, you know? Public displays of a sexual nature are not allowed," Sean quipped.

"Someone's acting a little too cheerful considering they're about to see mommy and daddy for the first time in years," I retorted. He sent me a glare before taking a big bite of his hot dog.

"I almost forgot. Here's a lime slushie for the diva." Jay leaned over me to hand Ellie her cup and spoon. She hesitated for a moment before dipping the spoon in the ice. "Oh, don't worry. I asked how many calories are in it. Only two hundred."

She looked over at him, the spoon hanging from her mouth, and swallowed slowly. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Jay shared a look with me, and I shook my head, trying not to be obvious. "Just conversation," he replied simply.

He snuck another look at me before pushing his sunglasses back down and lying on his back. _So,_ I thought. _I'm not the only one who's noticed_. I took a bite from my hot dog, careful not to let any of the relish spill off.

"_Damn_!"

Ellie accidentally knocked over her cup.

**Sean**

The door to the mobile home was held open by a cinder block. I could hear the television inside... I closed my eyes and strained to hear the program. It was one of my mom's court room shows. It figures; Tracker and I would come home everyday after school to our mom parked in front of the television set, not even bothering to say hello, a glass of coke and rum in her hand... I gritted my teeth and stepped forward. I guess there are just some things that never change.

I don't know how I struck up the nerve to rush up those steps, but I did. It didn't take me long to reach the doorway of the trailer home and knock.

"What?" My mom snapped, eyes glued to the tv screen, a cigarette and glass of dark liquid in her hand. Coke and rum...

"Hey," I called out hoarsely. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Hey," I said louder.

I stared at her as a hint of recognition flashed through her eyes. She set her cigarette down in the nearby ashtray and gripped the glass with both hands. "I never thought I'd hear your voice again..."

I swallowed and looked at the ground, stubborn tears already threatening to spill out. Her voice was _rough_. If I hadn't known any better I would have thought she was seventy years old... Her dull blonde hair was streaked with grey and teased with hair spray. Last I knew she had been working as a housekeeper at the Beach Breeze Inn across the way, but now she was wearing the waitress uniform for a small diner down the road.

She sighed and stood up slowly and stretched her arms at her sides. She was still tall and thin but nothing like the model I once mistook her as when I was younger. Her hair was dull and didn't have the same bounce. Dark bags under her eyes and wrinkles across her face didn't give character to her like they do some people. Instead, they made her look ancient and worn down. Ruined.

"What brings you back?" Flashes of yellow and deteriorating teeth.

I turned around and squeezed my eyes shut. _"Does your mommy look pretty?" She wore a navy blue skirt and a cream short sleeved button up. Thrift store clothes, but on her they looked high fashion. Her golden blonde hair was curled softly around her face. "Like a million bucks, mommy," I repeated the phrase my dad always said. I was only five but I knew I'd never see a woman as beautiful as her._

She was wearing the same red lipstick she wore back then. I could be grateful for that. "Spring break. Some of my friends and me are going on a road trip."

She nodded distractedly. "And Tracker? How's he?"

"He has a job in Alberta."

She took out another cigarette from the pocket of her dress and lit it, bringing it to her lips with shaking fingers. "I'm working at Kristy's now... Nothing glamourous but it brings in a little bit and free food."

"That's good."

An heavy silence fell between us. Is this how it's supposed to be? Awkward and small talk? Wasn't my mom supposed to rush with me with arms open and cry into my shoulder about how sorry she was? I had expected an apology for giving up on me. I expected tears of happiness. I expected _something_ more than this.

"Your dad's in the bedroom. He hasn't been feeling good. He's sick, Sean."

Her voice wavered, and she turned her face away for a moment.

"What's he have? A cold?" I didn't really care. I just had to hear some kind of noise.

She didn't answer me and poured herself another drink. I brushed past her towards the bedroom. The door was closed but the light was still on. I reached for the doorknob but didn't find one. Just a big, gaping hole. I pushed at the door slowly with my fingertips. The room was the same. The same queen bed with the stained blanket. The same lumpy pillows. The same television always on. The only thing different was my father lying in the bed and the pile of pill bottles on the table next to him.

"Sean?" He looked confused and tired. His skin was a sickly yellow color, and I knew then that it was much more than just a cold.

"It's me."

He coughed roughly, his whole body shaking and sweat pouring down his face. He was losing his hair, and it was more grey than dark blonde. Suddenly, he threw the covers aside and struggled to stand up. His frame was thin except for the distinct beer belly that hung over the waistband of his jeans.

"What's wrong with you?" My body tensed up as I waited for his response. He looked over my shoulder, and I could feel my mom behind me. I heard the ice clink in her glass. Still drinking...

"Fix me a drink, will you?"

Her footsteps retreated. He looked back at me and scratched at his head. "Cirrhosis. Liver cancer."

My gut lurched, and I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. "Oh," was all I could manage to say.

"Yep, guess some people just aren't lucky. Shit happens, you know?" He was acting like he had just told me it was a Friday, like it was nothing at all. "Some people get all the luck," he muttered.

"Some people don't drink their life away," I hissed more to myself but he heard it.

My mom chose at that time to come back in with his drink. Clear liquid in a tumbler. I knew it wasn't water. Cirrhosis. Liver cancer. Still drinking. _Still_. He took a sip, and the look that came over his face told me he was close to having a religious experience with the stuff.

"Are you dying?"

He gave a heavy sigh. "Yeah, I am."

What do you say to that? _Oh, I'm sorry?_ _How long do you have?_ I couldn't say those things. I wasn't even sure if I was sorry or if I even cared how much longer he had to live. All I could concentrate on was the way his Adam's apple moved up and down as he swallowed his drink. He's dying because of his alcoholism, and he's drinking right now. There was something all too ironic about it.

"Don't be upset. You don't see me crying about it." He gave me a wry grin and winked at me.

I heard a choke behind me and turned around. My mom's hand covered her face and tears started to gather in her eyes. The sound of her sobs were stifling, and I pushed past her. I had to get out.

"Son-..."

"I'm not your _son_. I'm nothing to you," my voice rose with every word until I was yelling. "You think I'm upset about you being sick? I don't give a damn. Why should I? I don't even _know_ you."

"Sean, I'm fine. I'm _fine_." My mom's smile wobbled as she tried to convince me. How does someone live like this? How did I even survive in this house for as long as I did?

I shook my head silently and headed for the door, the sound of my father's wheezing in the background. Just as I stepped outside in the warm sun, a hand closed around my shoulder, forcing me to turn around. I met my mom's sad blue eyes with my own.

"Does your mommy look pretty?" she whispered.

I thanked God for all the times I had to hide my true emotions behind a mask. They were just practice for this day. I jammed my fists into my pockets and shrugged, not quite meeting her eyes anymore. "Like a hundred bucks," I sniffed.

Her face fell but I forced myself to keep my composure. What did she expect me to say with her standing there, a cigarette dangling from her lips and the effects of her drinking all over her face? Old, haggard, greying... I'd never be able to get the memory of my beautiful mother back. I'd remember this version instead. Her face pleaded with me not to turn around and leave her but I stumbled down the steps anyway. One look doesn't erase years of neglect.

**Ellie**

Nobody said anything to Sean when he came back to the car; the look on his face said enough. We just silently piled back into the car and followed his instructions to a nearby restaurant where we could grab dinner. Even Jay didn't crack any jokes like usual. I kind of missed it, to tell the truth. I silently begged Jay to call me Chicken Little or Vampy or one of his other annoying nicknames for me so we could all laugh and break the tension.

It wasn't until we were walking back to the car that Sean told us bluntly that his dad was dying. "My dad's sick. He's dying."

I stopped walking and looked between Alex and Jay. What were we supposed to say? Alex punched Sean's arm affectionately, and Jay slapped his back. "That sucks, man."

"Maybe he won't die," I piped up. "People get sick and get better everyday from all kinds of things. People survive." The internal optimist in me, something that I rarely let show, got the better of me.

They all stopped walking and turned their heads to stare back at me. I'll never forget the looks on their faces, like I was the scum of the earth or something. Like I didn't belong.

"You don't get it, Nash. People get better and _survive_ in your world, and everything's just roses. Not in ours," Jay spat.

I dropped my eyes and walked past them towards the car, away from their small group. Jay's right. We are in different worlds.

"Nice going, Jay," Sean murmured under his breath. Not even him defending me made it better, though.

Nobody spoke again until we reached the motel. By this time it was late and the stars were already out. I looked out the window as Jay and Alex lay on the bed talking in hushed voices, and Sean had a moment to himself in the bathroom.

The bathroom door opened, and Sean came out, his hands shoved in his pockets. "I'm going to the beach for a little bit."

Jay nodded. I didn't look away from the window. I wish there was something to look at.

"What kind of place doesn't have a working TV?" Jay complained twenty minutes later, his baseball cap pulled over his face.

"Someone should have gone with him..."

"What'd you say, El?" Alex lifted herself up on her elbows.

"He shouldn't be alone. Someone should have gone with him," I repeated louder.

"He wants to be alone. Leave him alone," the voice behind the baseball cap ordered. I frowned and rested my head against the glass. Maybe he was right...

Ten minutes later, I knew I couldn't just leave him alone. "I'm going," I decided. I grabbed the blanket off of the bed and wrapped it around my shoulders. Who knows how long we'd be gone.

"Nash, just leave him alone. He wants to be alone."

"Nobody _wants_ to be alone."

Jay threw his hat across he room and his eyes flashed. "Maybe he does. Stop trying to get all up in his business. You're staying here."

I turned around before I closed the door behind me. "Maybe in '_your world'_ people can tell you what to do, but not in mine."

It didn't take long to get to the beach. One thing the motel had going for it was prime location. There weren't many people on the sand, and I easily spotted Sean sitting by himself. I shivered a little from the chilly night air and headed towards him, practicing what I'd say over and over in my head. I paused to slip off my sandals and wiggled my toes a little in the cool sand. Sean lifted a brown bag from his side and brought it to his lips. Pulling the blanket around me tighter, I sat down next to him and stared out at the ocean.

"I knew you'd come."

**Sean**

The whiskey burned as it slid down my throat but, man, was it smooth. The ocean was rough tonight, the waves crashing hard against each other, and I would say it matched my current mood if it weren't such a cliche thing to say. I took another quick swig before offering the bottle to Ellie. She shook her head, and I set it down beside me.

I shivered a little, involuntarily, and the warm blanket found its way around my shoulders a few seconds later. I smiled to myself despite all the shitty events of the day. I knew she'd come. It hadn't taken her long; she always had the best timing. She gave me enough time to get settled and think things over to myself, and now she expected me to share with her. I sighed and hugged my knees to my chest. "He's dying."

I looked over at her and she nodded, her head bent and eyes staring at the ground. She was drawing pictures in the sand with a lazy finger. I continued, "He's sick. Cirrhosis. And he's managed to get liver cancer. And somehow, _somehow_ he still finds the nerve to drink."

I hadn't even noticed that I was pounding a fist into the sand next to me until Ellie placed a comforting hand on the back of my neck. Her palm and fingers were cold to the touch and felt good against the heat of my neck. Still, she didn't say anything.

"It doesn't matter. I don't care."

She nodded again.

"Would you say something, goddamit? I'm sick of talking," I shouted.

"What can I say? Nothing I say will make you feel better."

I stared into her clear eyes. "I just told you I don't give a shit..."

"Yes, but..." she began slowly.

"But nothing. You don't even understand what it's like..." I glared at her, daring her to say otherwise.

She didn't. She just turned her head and looked in the opposite way.

"What has that man even done for me, you know? Has he been there for me the past few years? I don't think so! All he did was fucking teach me stupid, worthless shit. Shit like riding a bike and once, god dammit, _once_ he built a model rocket with me..." My voice cracked, and I brought the sleeve of my shirt up to my eyes, embarrassed by the sudden emotion.

Fingers lightly ran through the hair on the back of my head. I shook my head violently. "But I don't care. I _don't_. I don't care. I _don't care_."

"I know," she murmured. I fell into her arms and buried my face into her neck, vulnerable to _her _for once. "It's hard not caring, isn't it?" she asked softly.

I didn't answer. I didn't have to. Slowly I raised myself out of her arms and shifted away from her, uncomfortable with the way I had just acted. Weak. Instinctively, I reached for my bottle of whiskey. Ellie watched as I took another few drinks, enjoying the feeling that was beginning to come over me. Hell, I might as well enjoy it now; I knew I'd be paying for it tomorrow. "One of my brother's old friends works at the liquor store down the street," I explained.

She didn't reply. Instead, she went back to drawing pictures in the sand. I made out a sun and a star and a bottle before I began talking again. "Look at me. I'm not better than them. I'm going to turn out just like them." I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, and the sound that came from the depths of my stomach was animal-like.

"Don't say that." She sounded like she was in pain. "If you say that, you will. You have a choice, Sean. You either choose to waste your life away or take control of it."

I took another drink.

"And I _do _understand what it's like, okay?" She rose to her knees, her voice angry and fingers clenched in fists atop her thighs. "You're not the only one who's gone through this. You, Jay, and Alex act like you're in some exclusive club and like you're all alone. Guess what? You're not. Other people have the same problems. Just because I don't spend some nights in a women's shelter or live on student welfare or... or... or whatever the hell Jay does, doesn't mean I don't feel the same way! So don't act like I don't _know_ anything, okay? Just don't."

She shoved me away from her and ran to the edge of the ocean. I watched as she carefully walked into the water, the water lapping against her legs and soaking the edges of her long shorts. She stood still for a minute before turning back around and making her way back to our spot. I took another drink as she sat down. "I thought you were scared of the ocean?"

"I am. I just had to get away from... stuff." She wrapped the blanket back around her shoulders and sat stiffly. As I raised the bottle to my lips again, her hand suddenly snatched it away and threw it as far as it would go.

"Don't," I started as I searched for the bottle with my eyes. "Don't let your mom drink when she comes back. Don't let your dad let her drink when she comes back. Just don't."

"I won't," she promised.

Tears burned my eyes again, and I buried my face into my hands. "I don't care. I don't care. I don't care," I whispered to myself. Maybe if I said it enough times it'd be true.

**Ellie**

I snuggled deeper into the blanket, dreaming of the ocean and the feel of the sand between my toes and... I opened one eye and groaned. I wasn't dreaming of being on the beach, I _was_ on the beach. Sean looked over at me and tugged a corner of his mouth into a smile. "You're up."

I yawned and forced myself to sit up. "Barely. What time is it?"

He shrugged. "I'd say... five or six. The sun's just coming up and the water's still cold."

I noticed his bare chest then, droplets of water gleaming off of its muscular build. "Oh," I swallowed, my cheeks starting to burn. I ripped the ponytail holder out of my hair and let it fall in front of my face in an effort to hide the color.

His fingers grazed my cheek as he brushed the hair out of my eyes and tucked it behind my ear. "Thanks," his voice husky, "for talking to me last night. I didn't want to be alone."

I nodded and tried to focus on something other than his fingertips and the way they rested at my jaw line. He pulled away and sighed. "We should get going. Alex and Jay are probably wondering where we are."

"Yeah," I agreed. He pulled me up, and I grabbed the blanket from the sand, shaking the it out and folding it haphazardly. "Hey, listen, I'm sorry about my outburst last night. I was making it all about me, and it shouldn't have been and..."

"And you were right. I shouldn't have said you don't understand. You understand perfectly. You almost lost your mom."

I blinked hard, trying to block out the images and feelings that came with any reminder of that day. "But I didn't. Are you sure your dad will... Maybe we can do something. I mean, maybe we can find him better treatment somewhere. I know if I asked my dad-..."

His hand encircled my elbow and he held me still. "Don't, okay? You can't fix this. It isn't your problem to fix. Anyway, how can you help someone that doesn't want help?" His eyes grazed over my body before looking away. He seemed to be thinking of something else entirely at that moment.

We both walked slower than usual, not willing to end the time between us by returning to the motel where Alex and Jay would be waiting with questions. I noticed Sean's shadow stop moving, and I looked back at him, stopped in the middle of the empty sidewalk, staring down the street.

"Will you come with me?"

He didn't have to explain any more. I nodded silently.

The trailer park looked the same as it did the day before. Abandoned, run down, sad... There was a feeling of loneliness that hung in the air, something I had grown accustomed to in my own home, as different as it was in appearances from the homes here. Sean touched my shoulder and held me back. "I don't want you to go _with_ me, though. I don't want you seeing-... You know."

"Hey," I responded softly. I reached forward and stood on my toes to give him a hug. He wrapped his arms around me and returned it, squeezing me as tight as he could without breaking me. "Remember that guy who taught you to ride a bike and build model rockets, okay?"

He laughed bitterly for a second before kissing my hairline quickly. "You're too much sometimes, you know?"

I didn't know.

**Sean**

I could see the tears gather in my mom's eyes when she opened the door. She was dressed in the same waitress uniform as the day before, and I wondered if she slept in it or if she managed to change. Today, her hair was swept back in a bun.

"I didn't think I'd see you again."

"How long does he have?"

"He was diagnosed a year go. It's a miracle he's hung on this long."

"Especially considering that he's still drinking."

"Sean-..."

I shook my head angrily. "No... He was a shitty dad, but... he's my _dad_. I'm not going to see him. I couldn't see him. Not when he's still drinking. But you can tell him I'll be thinking of him. Hell, tell him I'll be _praying_ for him."

She put a hand to her mouth and nodded quickly. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Sean. What am I going to do when- when he..."

My stomach sank when she burst into tears, trying to be quiet so her husband couldn't hear her from inside.

"I don't know."

"Tell me something good. Please," she begged quietly.

"I'm going to graduate high school. I _will_. I'm getting good grades now. I wanna be a doctor." A crazy grin stretched its way across her face and fresh tears fell down her cheeks. I sniffed and tried to pull myself together. "And my teacher thinks I can do it. Sometimes- sometimes I'll drink when I get angry or sad. I"ll drink alone. But I know when to stop. I have people in my life that let me know when I've gone too far, and I listen to them. I had a girlfriend. Emma. I think you would have liked her. She has blonde hair. And my friends Jay and Alex, they're rough but they're loyal. And Ellie. Ellie's with me right now. She used to be my girlfriend but now she's... she's... I don't know what she is. She's my best-... Mom, maybe when he's gone you can come to Toronto. I have room."

She looked at the ground and her smile turned sad. "No... I don't think I could do that. I don't think I could leave."

"Yeah," I muttered. Silence. "Listen, I have to get going. My friends are waiting. Just- just stop Mom, okay? I know you can do it."

She shrugged. "I'll try. Come here. Let me hug you goodbye."

She smelled of stale cigarettes and lavender shampoo. I could feel her body shake with silent cries as she hugged me. Her lips came to my ear, and she held my head close. "I'm so proud of you," she whispered to me.

I pulled away quickly and backed up on the small porch. "I gotta go," I burst out before darting down the stairs. I was never good with goodbyes. It's better to just cut and run, make it as painless as possible. The faster you do it, the easier it is.

Ellie was sitting on a random cinder block on the side of the dirt road near the entrance of the trailer park. Her hand was slowly caressing the small dog at her feet, and she lifted her hand in a wave to me. I barely noticed. I was too busy staring at the dog.

"Charley!" I shouted, breaking into a run. I crashed to my knees in front of the black and white companion I had never forgotten about, the one good thing about the past. "You dumb mutt," I growled affectionately as I buried my face into the fur of his neck like I had done so many times before. His tongue lapped at my face and he barked playfully. He hadn't forgotten about me either. Maybe I was his one good thing.

**Wow. Finally finished. I've been working on this chapter for a long time, and I hope I gave Sean's return home the justice it deserves. Next chapter, heading towards Montreal. The crazy kids will be camping out, and Sean will ask Ellie about the envelope from Marco. Umm... other than that... Don't know. I'll try and fit Jay's POV in the next chapter since Alex got this one. Suggestions, comment, rants always accepted... :) and appreciated! Thanks for sticking with it!**


	61. Unlike Me

**Chapter 61: Unlike Me**

_You move and change,  
Yet you go nowhere;  
Everything stays the same.  
You stare at me  
And ask me questions,  
Makes me nervous  
This room it keeps a constant tone  
While I'm on a roller coaster_

_Unlike me  
Unlike me  
Do you think I'm strange  
Unlike you  
Unlike you  
I am not pretending _

**Jay**

Sean crept the car down the narrow gravel road that ran through the campground we were staying the night at. Camping had sounded like a good idea back in Toronto, and we all had even been a little excited about the traditional camping activities: grilling out over a roaring fire, s'mores, being one with nature... All that outdoorsy shit was starting to look good once we'd been cooped up in Degrassi Community School for months. Sean and I were convinced that camping out would be the manliest thing we'd be able to do over this trip with Alex and Ellie tagging along. After hearing Sean whine the entire way to Kingston about the dog he had to leave behindagain, _I_ was convinced that he needed some time in the outdoors or else we'd have one more girl in the car. So was I still thrilled with the idea of camping now that we had reached Bon Echo Park? Hell, I was just ready to drink beer and burn shit.

"Look at those fancy campers... then here comes us with sleeping bags and two twenty-dollar tents," Alex quipped as we passed a cluster of high-tech Rvs.

"It'll be fun, Alex," Sean replied. He was trying way too hard to be convincing. The drive from Wasaga to Kingston had been draining for him with Ellie and I not speaking to each other, or rather, Ellie not speaking to me. She was still pissed at my "attitude" back at the motel when I told her not to chase after Seanyboy. I stretched my arms above my head as Sean pulled into our camping spot and turned off the car. All I wanted was to get out of this damn car and stretch my legs.

Ellie shielded her eyes and look around at the surroundings. "I guess we should set up the tents and look for wood for a fire. It'll start getting dark soon. If we hadn't stopped for lunch _twice_ we would have made it earlier but-..."

"Cut the crap, Princess." I pushed past her and started unloading the truck. "First things first. Beer." I grabbed my coveted cooler and took a chilled beer out of it, snapping the bottlecap off to punctuate my statement.

Ellie rolled her eyes and reached for the two tents. "Anyone want to help me?"

"No, I'll just sit back and watch," Alex mused as she unfolded one of the lawn chairs we brought and sat in it.

"Nice, Nunez... Real nice," Sean muttered as he started for Ellie. "I'll help, El."

I sat down next to Alex and watched as Sean and Ellie worked together to build the tents. Every now and then their arms would touch as they worked side by side, and they'd jump apart. I shared a look with Alex and shook my head in amusement.

"Hey, look! Cameron's pitching a tent!" I joked. Sean threw me a nasty look over his shoulder but continued working anyway. Ellie didn't even seem to get the joke.

Alex did, though. She toppled out of her lawn chair with laughter, gasping for breath. "Pitching a tent... Good one, Jay. You see, _that's_ why I love you."

"Aw, if you love me so much you wouldn't mind giving be a foot rub." I slid off my shoes and wiggled my toes in Alex's lap.

"Ugh, I don't love you that much. Talk about toxic waste..."

"Jay, you're going to attract the raccoons with those things," Sean complained.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I muttered as I jammed my feet back in my shoes. "Cameron, you're letting a girl beat you in making a tent. Ellie almost has her's finished."

"Where'd you learn to do that so fast?"

Ellie rested back on her heels and shrugged. "My dad taught me. Sometimes I think he wishes he had a boy. Why don't I finish the other tent and you and Jay look for firewood?"

"Uh, I didn't volunteer for that duty."

"Jay, shut up and help." Sean reached his hand out and I grasped it as he helped me out of the chair. "You can bring your beer with you."

"No need. It's finished." I cranked my arm back and threw the bottle towards a tree trunk. Glass shattered everywhere with a satisfying crash.

"Great, now we'll have to be careful that we don't step on glass. You're so _smart_, Jay."

"And _that's_ the real reason you love me, Lexxi." I grabbed her by the shoulders and planted a big kiss on her lips. "Mmm, more of that later."

"_Right_. We'll see..."

Sean and I carefully walked into the woods behind our campsite. Dusk had overcome the sky, and it was getting harder to see in front of me. We had been able to find a few pieces of wood good for a fire, but not enough to last all night.

"You know, if I ever owned a campground, I'd have a huge wall of firewood ready at each campsite so my _patrons_ wouldn't have to go through this shit. Great, I think I just stepped in poison ivy."

Sean looked over at me with a serious look on his face. "You know, you should be nicer to Ellie."

"Where the hell did that come from?"

He bent down to retrieve a piece of wood and straightened back up. "She'd had a rough year, okay? She needs friends. She doesn't need you tormenting her."

I rolled my eyes but thought about what Sean was saying anyway. Maybe he was right... "Yeah, you're right. Her parents separated, her mom got alcohol poisoning, she did coke, she had a pregnancy scare, and, _oh_! Oh yeah, don't forget... you broke up with her and then jumped right into another relationship with Darcy _and_ Emma. You're right. Her year's been tough. Frankly, I think you're to blame for all her problems."

Sean didn't respond. He couldn't even look at me. Finally, he dropped the small pile of wood he had collected in his arms and crouched down to the ground. "You think?"

"I was _joking_, man. No one can take a joke any more..."

"It's just..." He paused and stared at his clasped hands. "Sometimes I really do think that if I had just stayed with her then everything would be fine."

"Yeah, because you totally had a part in her parents splitting up... Dude, you need to stop being so serious. What happened to fun, crazy, impulsive Sean? I miss him."

"He grew up. He realized that one day he's gonna have to make something of himself if he doesn't want to end up in that trailer park back in Wasaga."

"Oh, boo hoo. At least you'd have your dog."

"Don't remind me of him."

"Aw, is little Seany going to cry now? Does he miss his little puppy-wuppy?" I taunted.

Sean sneered and lunged towards me, the palms of his hands pushing against my chest until I fell backwards on my ass. He stood up and laughed. "Was that impulsive enough for you?"

"Oh yeah? Oh yeah?" I wrestled his legs, pulling him down to the ground with me. We rolled around for a few minutes, playfully fighting each other. Insulting each other. Calling each other (and our mom's) every name in the book. We didn't notice Ellie and Alex coming our way until we heard one of them cough.

"Wow. This is productive," Ellie droned.

"Are you two finished pawing at each other or do you want a little more privacy?" Alex reached her hand out but I refused the offer and got up myself, brushing the dirt off my pants.

"We were just... you know... survival of the fittest. That sort of thing."

"Yeah," Sean agreed. "Real manly stuff."

"_Right_..."

We gathered our pile of wood again and started towards the campsite. I hung back a little and nudged Ellie softly from behind. She stiffened but craned her neck to look at me anyway. She didn't say anything; she just raised her eyebrows.

"Listen... Maybe Sean did need someone that night."

"Oh, he did."

"Well, I'm glad it was you."

"Me too. He was drinking a lot. It was kind of scary."

"But you handled it. Ellie Nash. She can handle anything."

She looked down at her feet and coughed. "Yeah, well, we better get back. But thanks for the apology."

"Apology? Jay Hogart does not apologize..." I glanced at her playfully.

She opened her mouth to protest but quickly pressed it into a knowing smile. "_Oh_... Yeah, you're right. It'll be our little secret..."

**Alex**

I leaned back against Jay's chest and pulled the blanket closer around me. Jay responded by sliding his hands up and down my sides before locking around my stomach. The night was chilly but the heat of the fire warmed us up as we ate s'mores and told ghost stories. Suddenly, I was transported back to the fifth grade when Amy and I would get together with some of the other neighborhood kids- Jay included- and hang out behind Timmy Wyland's shed in the yard. We'd have a fire and tell the scariest stories we could think of. None of those stories compared to the one Ellie was telling us now, though. Not even close.

"... She wore a long dress and a frilly white apron covered in soot. The girl was curled up on the floor, stroking sleeping Anna's hair and softly singing a gentle lullaby from days long past. 'Get away from her!' Lorenda shouted. But the girl didn't seem to hear her, continuing her song. 'Who are you?' Lorenda screamed at her. 'What are you still doing here?'..."

Sean stuffed another s'more into his mouth, his eyes glued to Ellie's face, lit up by the flashlight she was holding. It was all very _Are You Afraid of the Dark_... A twig snapped in the pitch black forest, and I jumped a little in my spot. Jay squeezed me tightly and kissed the side of my face before resting his chin on top off my head.

Ellie leaned forward slightly and lowered her voice. "Lorenda never again saw Jessica Harolds, and Anna never mentioned her. Oddly, Anna didn't remember anything about her playmate. When asked about Jess, Anna would just stare back in blank, silent confusion.'But sometimes,' Lorenda says, 'when the clock strikes twelve, I swear I can hear somebody singing softly nearby...'"

We all sat in silence for a moment, thinking about the story we just heard.

"AHHH!" Jay's hands squeezed around my shoulders near my neck, and I jumped up screaming.

"You stupid idiot!" I shrieked, hitting him upside the head. "I about pissed my pants."

"Jessica's back!" he whispered hoarsely, a blank stare on his face as he stared at the fire. "Ring around the rosy..." he sang softly in a feminine voice.

"Jay, you're such a tool," Sean laughed through a mouthful of chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow.

"It's okay, Lexxi. I'll keep you safe tonight..." Jay wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Rule number one of horror films: don't have sex. You'll always end up dead," Ellie informed us as she took a sip of her beer.

"We'll take our chances. Come on, Lex. The raccoons are waiting for us to go to bed."

"Great."

"Don't worry. They won't come near our tent. What's that saying? Don't come a-knocking if the tent is a-rocking?"

Ellie raised her hand above her head. "Um, hello? So... you two are sleeping in a tent together?"

Jay and I looked at each other. "Um, well," I started. "_Yeah_. Where else would we sleep?"

"Oh, I just thought... never mind."

Jay sighed and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "Listen, Nash. I know we made up and everything but we can't share a tent yet. That's just moving way too fast."

"Ew," Ellie groaned. "Nice mental image, Jay. I _thought_ Alex and I could share a tent, and you and Sean could share the other."

"Ha, nice try, Ellie. It looks like you and Cameron will be sharing the other tent. So don't do anything I wouldn't do..."

Ellie and Sean both blushed and looked opposite ways of each other. I shook my head with a smile and followed Jay into the blue tent. He unrolled the two sleeping bags we brought and made a nice little bed for ourselves. I crawled into the middle of the blankets and stretched out lazily. "Mmm," I purred. "This feels great."

Jay reached down and covered my lips with his, his tongue sliding softly into mouth. Our lips searched each others for a moment before we calmed down and came up for air. "Lexxi, you are going to get me in trouble..." he whispered into my ear while tugging at my sweatshirt.

"Jay?" I sat up suddenly and pulled the hem of my shirt down. He didn't answer but moaned in frustration. "Have you noticed something a little... off? With Ellie?" I whispered, careful not to let my voice carry outside.

He rolled over onto his side and looked up at me, tracing lazy circles on the thighs of my jeans. "What do you mean by off? Bat-shit crazy or just... different?"

"Like... keeping to herself and mood swings and, well, and-..."

"Not eating?"

"Shhh!"

"Sorry. Well, she hasn't. I mean, have you seen her eat one decent thing this entire trip so far?"

"She's really skinny, Jay. Do you think she's just stressed out about stuff at home or-..."

"I think she's just... doing it."

I looked down at his eyes. He wasn't kidding. I could see the small cloud of concern brewing behind his eyes. He _had_ been thinking about her.

"Remember Louie?"

"How could I forget?" Louie had been the neighborhood dog when we were younger. He was a mutt but he was a loveable mutt, skittish and always running beside us while we played softball or rode our bicycles down the street. All of us kids had loved Louie, but Jay had loved him the most.

I still remember the look on Jay's face when Hank Court, the neighborhood drunk before he died and Jay's parents assumed that role, had come looking for his dog Louie and ended up kicking the shit out of him. We were in the third grade, and I think that's the moment I fell in love with Jay Hogart.

"She's like Louie. She's that kicked dog you just want to protect. You know?"

That same look came over his face again as he stared at the ceiling of the tent. I settled down next to him and nestled my head into the crook of his neck. "Yeah, I know."

**Sean**

I sighed as I settled into one of the lawn chairs surrounding the fire, my hands stuffed into pocket of my hoodie. It was nearing three in the morning, and I had woken up to an empty tent- no Ellie in sight. The air was chilly outside and the leaves on the trees were rustling slightly in the wind. Ellie, however, was still in a seat, the envelope she had been staring at for the past two days was clutched in between her fingers, her knuckles white with the force of her grasp. The flames of the fire cast golden flashes across her face and her eyes were a glittery dark as she sat unblinking. She looked stricken by something.

"Here you are..."

She didn't acknowledge my presence, only chewed on her lip as she glanced down at the paper in her hands. She'd been doing that a lot lately. Chewing her lip. She shivered a little and flipped the hood of her black zip up sweater over her head; red locks of hair still managing to spill out.

I leaned forward and rested my arms on my knees, my usual position. "You've been carrying that with you all day."

"So?" she muttered.

"What is it?"

Her mouth twitched, and she mumbled something I couldn't understand under her breath.

"What?"

"It's from Marco," she repeatedly loudly.

"Oh."

"I'm tempted to just... burn it. Throw it in the fire. Forget about it."

"It's just a letter."

She bottom lip quivered. "No, it's not. It's a lot of things but just a letter is not one of them."

"Want to talk about it?"

She turned her head away. "Not really," she answered softly.

"That's fine. Just... if you do need to talk? I'm here."

I could have stood up and gone back to the tent. I was beyond tired, and it took all my energy to sit up and keep my eyes open, but I decided to stick around outside with Ellie anyway. For some reason, I knew she didn't want to be alone despite her silence.

What was in that letter that made her so scared to open it? I couldn't imagine Marco writing anything _mean_ to her; she was his best friend. He loves her just as much as-

"Do you think I'm strange?" Her voice cut through the air like a knife... except, it _wasn't_ her voice. It was different. It was loud and hollow. As if she was trying to gulp for air underwater as she said it.

I looked over at her, and she stared back at me, her eyes searching mine for a reaction to the question. For all her talk about how in control she was, how sure, how confident... she looked anything but. She looked scared and anxious and _young_. I felt like she was looking to me for all the answers to the problems in her life. Problems I had just begun to understand the magnitude of and wasn't sure I knew how to fix.

I turned to her and looked her dead-on in the eyes. "You're no stranger than the rest of us."

Her eyes closed momentarily and the corner of her mouth tugged upwards. "Why do I only believe that when you say it?" she asked quietly.

"Don't. Believe it all the time," I urged, taking hold of one of her hands.

Her brow wrinkled, and she shook her head. "I can't. There are way too many things going around in my head. God, that sounds crazy..."

"You're not crazy. Listen, I know what it's like to not believe in yourself. And I also know what it feels like when someone else does. Someone you respect... and look up to."

She blushed and turned her head away. "Are we talking about Mr. Simpson?"

My mouth curled into a smirk. "Well, we could be, but I had someone else in mind." I squeezed her hand gently. "But it's hard to finally believe it yourself. Especially when you're me, and you're constantly screwing up. Eventually, though, you start to. But you're not me. You're incredibly smart and talented and ambitious. You have _everything_ going for you. Why can't you just see that?"

She tore her hand away. "You're right. You're not me. And you'll never understand," she responded tearfully. "_Nobody_ understands."

"They would if you let them in. It's like... everyone wants to be near you and you won't let them. You just push everyone away!"

She stuffed the envelope from Marco into the pouch of her sweater and stood up. "It's really just easier that way."

"What are you so afraid of?"

"Being hurt, Sean! Okay? I can't handle it anymore."

I followed her towards the tent. "And who's hurt you?"

She spun around and jabbed a finger into my chest. "YOU! _You_ hurt me. I gave you everything, and you threw it back at me. And Marco? I let him in. I fell for him, and then he tells me he's gay. And Ashley? She'd rather hang with the girl who ditched her freshman year or the boyfriend that's cheated on her. And my parents? Don't even get me started on my parents..."

"This speech is getting really old. I'm sure I've heard it a dozen times before. There's a point, Ellie, where you tell yourself you're going to stop being so damn miserable."

Her face registered surprise. She hadn't expected me to _not_ be sympathetic towards her. She wanted me to grovel at her feet, wrap her in my arms, and tell her I was sorry for hurting her. The truth is, I _was_ sorry. I _am_ sorry. I just can't bring myself to encourage her to wallow in this self-pity anymore. It's draining her.

"Stop trying to be a therapist, Sean, because you really _suck_ at it." She pushed past me, her face set in grim determination.

"Where are you going?"

She turned around and started walking backwards, her hair whipping around her face. "Getting away from all the things that me miserable!"

**Ellie**

I groaned as the sunlight shone right into my eyes and a sharp pain spread through my neck as I attempted to lift my head; apparently, a car is not the best place to sleep. It was hot and stuffy and the leather of Jay's seats made suctioning noises as I peeled myself up from them and stepped outside of the car. Groggily, I might add. A cup of coffee was definitely needed before _any_ human contact.

Especially human contact with a certain ex-boyfriend who thinks he knows what's best for me and isn't afraid to say it.

He doesn't know _anything_, though.

"Wow, look what the raccoons drug in..." Jay laughed as I approached the campsite. Alex yawned and Sean barely even glanced towards me. I guess I wasn't the only one not up for Jay's usual antics.

"I need coffee, a hairbrush, and toothpaste. In that order. Pronto."

"No coffee."

I spun towards Alex. "What?"

"No coffee."

"Who forgot to bring coffee? What am I supposed to drink? Do you even _see_ me right now? There has to be coffee around here somewhere." I started digging through the various bags piled by the tents.

"No coffee," Alex repeated for a third time, punctuating her statement with another yawn.

"Shit," I muttered. "Okay, so a hairbrush? Anyone?"

"In my bag. I don't come looking this fabulous."

I rummaged through the clothes in Alex's bag before spotting a small brush and dragging it through my hair. I gritted my teeth as the comb snagged a knot and let out a quiet cry of pain as I pulled it through.

Sean brushed past me to grab a few bags and started towards the car. "We should get going soon. Montreal can't wait forever, right, Ellie?"

I didn't respond. Instead, I acquired a newfound fascination with the split-ends in my hair. I was being childish; I was well aware of this fact, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. Not after everything that was said last night. Especially not after he acted like I _wanted_ to be this goddamn miserable all the time.

"Are you two fighting or something?" Jay gave us a curious look.

I kept my eyes on the ends of my hair.

"Because if you are, I just wanna know so I can be ready for the _long_ car ride."

Sean stood straight and shrugged, his hands dug into the pockets of his jeans. "I don't think we are. El?"

I stared at him out of the corner of my eye. "I need coffee," I muttered as I stumbled towards the car.

"Well, apparently we are," Sean grumbled under his breath.

* * *

"I'll just have the pancake platter with a side of bacon, extra crispy, and a glass of orange juice." Alex handed her menu to the waitress before resting her head back onto the table.

The frizzy-haired waitress glanced at me next before averting her eyes back to the notepad in front of her. "I'll just have coffee. Black. Strong. Thanks," I ordered quietly. I could feel everyone's eyes burning into me, wondering why I didn't order breakfast like the rest of them. If any of them asked, I'd have an excuse ready; I've had years of prior experience.

"So, are you just starving yourself for fun or what?"

Never did I expect that. Especially from Jay.

"Excuse me?" I stammered, heat rising to my cheeks.

He shrugged and leaned back in his seat, raising an eyebrow at me. "I've just noticed that you don't eat. Is there a reason why not?"

"I _eat_."

"When?

"When I'm hungry!"

"When's that?"

"_Jay_... stop it," Sean snapped from beside me.

"Cameron, don't even _try_ to pretend you haven't noticed what's going on," Jay barked, his teeth clenched before his attention returned to me. "So?"

"I can't believe this," I cried. "Are you- are you seriously doing this? Is he seriously doing this?" I looked to Alex for help but she just stared back at me, like she _agreed_ with him or something...

"Maybe this is something we should talk about later," Sean murmured, his eyes on the salt shaker he was busy spinning.

"Or never," I bust out. "Because it's not true!"

"If you want to-..."

The waitress chose to return with our orders at that moment. "Okay, biscuits and gravy... sausage omelette... pancakes... and coffee. Anything else?"

My nose scrunched at the sight of plates overloaded with food that was all cooked in a suspicious amount of time, but if I wanted to prove to Jay and Alex that I was _fine_, that nothing was wrong with me, than I'd have to take desperate measures. "Actually," I raised a finger to capture the waitress's attention. "I'd like to actually order some pancakes."

"Just pancakes?"

Jay raised an eyebrow at Sean before shoveling his fork into his omelette. I grimaced and clenched my hands into a fist. "And toast. And how about a bowl of yogurt and granola?"

"I'll bring it right out to ya." I watched her back as she headed towards the kitchen, shouting things to one of the cooks inside.

If I could have one superpower, I think I would pick the ability to be invisible. If I could be invisible, I could go back into that kitchen and watch the cooks make my food. I could see how much butter and oil they are frying my pancakes in and if they use fat-free, low-fat, or regular yogurt. I could see if they use the same spatula to flip my pancakes as they use to flip sausage or bacon. I suppose, if I were invisible, I could also get the hell away from this table and away from this stupid diner in the middle of nowhere. I could just float away and no one would even notice, and I could just _leave_. I don't know where I'd go, but it'd sure beat being here, knowing that in a few minutes I'll be forced to eat greasy food loaded with calories and fat.

God, how many calories would it even be? Let's say one pancake is 160 calories, and I'll be receiving at least two. That's at least 320 calories right there, and that's not even including butter and syrup. I swallowed hard, my throat dry and tongue thick and heavy.

I'd definitely be invisible. If you're invisible, no one knows your even there. Therefore, no one contacts you, touches you, talks to you... No one could hurt you. No one would expect things from you. You could just _be_.

"Ellie?"

"Huh?" I jumped a little out of my seat at Alex's voice.

"Your food's here..."

I glanced down. "Oh," I stuttered. Three pancakes. Two pieces of toast. Bowl of yogurt and granola. A gob of butter was nestled on each pancake and piece of toast. Perfect. I slowly picked up my knife and fork and worked on cutting my pancakes into the smallest pieces possible. Cutting would take up time but then what? What would be next? Me actually spearing a bite with my fork and bringing it to my mouth, the sugary syrup dripping off of it, leaving sticky traces on the table? And then I'd have to chew. Oh, God, I'd have to _chew_. I could already feel the thickness of the syrup as it swam in my mouth, and I was just _staring_ at it.

My fork hovered over my pancakes, my hand shaking as I tried to work up the nerve, the energy, the courage, the desire to eat, at least just one bite. Just one. That's all I have to do. Just one bite. Just one. Just one. Just-

"I- I can't do this," I whispered, tears springing to my eyes. I threw my napkin onto my plate and pushed away from the table. Nobody said anything as I ran out of the diner, the scent of syrup lingering as I crossed the parking lot.

**Sean**

"Wow, Jay. You really know how to help..." Alex sent him a sideways glare.

"It's not _ my _fault she's a touchy-feely, emo, robobitch these days. Anyway, this just proves my point. Girls and no food? Not a good combination."

I tore my eyes away from the window and Ellie's retreating figure. "You could have handled it with a little more tact."

"Tact? Tact? What the hell does that even _mean_?"

Alex snorted and pushed her plate away. "Don't worry about it Jay. All you need to know is that you don't have any. So, who's gonna talk to her? Jay obviously can't, and I'm not one for emotional female bonding time, so... that only leaves you, Cameron."

"Oh, great," Jay laughed. "Send the guy that doesn't even think she has a problem."

"I never said that I didn't think she had a problem. I just-..." I just- I don't know. I just _wanted_ to think that she didn't have a problem. I think all of us did but after watching her reaction as her food was placed in front of her and her inability to eat, I think her problems are pretty obvious.

But what am I supposed to do?

She sat still on a lone picnic table a hundred feet or so from the diner, her eyes squeezed shut and her arms wrapped around herself. I didn't say anything as I stepped up next to her and sat down. I don't think there is anything I could say to make the situation any less awkward than it already is. Me, Sean Cameron, trying to think of something to say to reach Ellie. Something deep and meaningful to make her understand why what she is doing is hurting her.

"You need to eat."

Wow. I wanted deep and meaningful so I went with the obvious?

"How profound," she muttered, eyes still shut tightly.

I licked my lips. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to become invisible."

"No. I mean, what are you trying to do by starving yourself?"

Her eyes fluttered open and she stared at me, the calmest I had seen her in a long time. "Trying to become invisible. Trying to be noticed," she smirked. "I don't know."

"So, are you admitting to it?"

"I'm not admitting to anything."

"Ellie, we _know_."

"I don't have a problem."

"You always say that. You said that about your cutting. You say that about Brayden's dea-.."

"Stop it, okay? Just _stop_. I'm fine. Why do you even care?"

"You always say that, too! I care because I just do, okay? I'm always going to care about you no matter what."

She shrugged. "Whatever."

"You need to get help. I mean, maybe you could talk to Ms. Sauve about it. She helped you stop cutting."

"Oh, did she?" She smiled that smile that let me know she knew something I didn't.

"You're- you're not cutting again, are you?" All the fears I used to have came rushing back, like I was back in my apartment, Ellie staying the night. Would I wake up to find her in the bathroom, a razor making lines across her arm? Would she one day cut too deep? Would it have been an accident or... God, I didn't even want to think of it anymore. And, now, it was all I could think about. Razors. Lines. Blood. Tears. Hers. And mine.

She brought her knees up to her chin and looked at her shoes. "I slipped up a few times but, um, not recently. I haven't since my mom... the hospital."

I nodded, comforted a little. "Okay, well, you're allowed to slip up sometimes. And maybe if you went and saw Ms. Sauve again than maybe you'd feel a little more in control of it. I really think you should-..."

"Sean, Ms. Sauve didn't help me," Ellie interrupted slowly. She tilted her head to look up at me. "You did."

My face turned red, and I cleared my throat before speaking again. "Wow. Um, Ellie, you shouldn't give me so much credit."

"No, I should. You talked to me about it, and you understood why I did it, and that helped. A lot. I felt like I had someone who cared about me. All of me. Even the dark, scary parts."

"I still care about the dark, scary parts, you know. Which is why I think you-..."

"Which is why _I_ think you should let me deal with it by myself. Let's not talk about it. Let's not think about it. Let's just pretend that you never thought... what you think. Okay? If you really cared about me, you wouldn't hurt me like this."

I searched her eyes, wondering if this was really her talking. "You're manipulating me. You're using my feelings for you against me just like Marco did to you."

"Don't compare me to-..."

"But I'm not going to get angry at you because I know this is not you. Ellie, you could have an eating disorder."

She jumped off the picnic table and clenched her fists. "Wow, look at you. Not even in med school yet, and you're already diagnosing patients! There's nothing wrong with me, and if you mention this again, I'll never talk to you."

"There are a lot of people who love you."

"There's _nothing_ wrong with me!"

"And I just wish that you would realize that."

"There's nothing _wrong_!"

I watched sadly as she hung on to the last shred of her lie. She knew there was something wrong. She knew it because she felt it. Everything she was trying to deny, she felt. "I really hope that you learn to love yourself."

"There's _nothing wrong with me_!" she screamed, her face wet with tears.

I felt like an asshole for making her cry. I did. But I also knew that it was for the best. "Then why are you crying? Why are you _so sad_ all the time?"

Her arms dropped to her sides, and she shook her head slowly. "I don't know."

I held out my hand for her. "Come here." My fingers grasped hers and brought her close to me. "We'll just sit here for awhile, okay? No talking. Unless you want to. I promise."

She wrapped her thin arms around my neck and buried her face into my neck. I rubbed her back in soothing circles and held her close to me. She didn't say anything, and neither did I, as promised. We didn't have to. Ellie and I had always been able to say so much more without words anyway.

* * *

Jay stepped out of the car when he saw us approaching. Ellie kept her head down as she climbed into the back, ashamed of the dark circles and tear stains under her eyes. I had held onto her for a good ten minutes before hestitantly suggesting that we head back to the car and continue the trip. She agreed quietly and hugged her sweatshirt tighter around her body.

"So?"

I sighed. "I don't know, Jay. Let's just go to Montreal and finish this."

"Is she pissed at me?"

"Probably," I chuckled quietly. "But deep down she knows that you just want to help her."

"I do, man. I mean, I know that I sometimes act like I don't like her or whatever, but, you know, she grows on you, and, well, she just- I'm just trying to say that- well,-..."

I slapped him on the back. "I know, Jay."

I sat closer towards the middle of the backseat this time. Ellie shifted her weight so she could lean on me somewhat, and I felt the familiar weight of her arm against mine. I took in her profile as she stared straight ahead. Finally, she shifted her gaze to me and lifted the corner of her lip into a small smile before resting her head against my shoulder. Fighting the temptation to lower my nose to her hair, I, instead, focused on the scenery as we raced down the highway.

"Not to slow us down or anything, but do you think we could go through a drive-thru soon? I never got my coffee..."

I held my breath as I waited for Jay or Alex to say something they shouldn't. They shared a look, and Jay peered into the rearview mirror. "No problem, Nash."

**Bah, this took forever to get out. Next chapter: Montreal- Ellie visits Brayden's grave and receives some support from Sean and perhaps a little closure.**

**If you're still reading this story, thanks for being so incredibly patient with me.**


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